PHILIPPINES
getting through the hurt Edited by Br. Francis Wagner, O.S.B. Text Š 2015 Saint Meinrad Archabbey Published by Abbey Press Publications St. Meinrad, Indiana, 47577, USA All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Publisher and Exclusive Distributor in the Philippines: Paulines Publishing House Daughters of St. Paul 2650 F.B. Harrison Street 1302 Pasay City, Philippines E-mail: edpph@paulines.ph Website: www.paulines.ph Cover design: Ann Marie Nemenzo, FSP Photo credits: Shanna Marie Perez 1st Printing 2017 ISBN 978-971-590-837-5 Areas of Distribution: Philippines, Malaysia, Singapore Papua New Guinea, Thailand
at the service of the Gospel and culture
Introduction
W
e all know and strive to accept the fact that life presents each one of us with our share of difficulties from day to day. Unfortunately, however, sometimes there are also particularly painful or unsettling circumstances which seem to get the best of us. Addiction, divorce, grief, and the anger that arises from feeling unloved and unwanted: these wounds, and so many others, cut very deep. They leave scars which may never entirely heal, and must be struggled with over the course of a lifetime. The good news — from the Christian perspective — is that we are never alone during such trials. In the cross, God comes to meet us in the person of Jesus. He takes on our suffering, provides it with meaning, and leads us through it to the promise of resurrection. When Jesus rose from the tomb, his wounds were still present — but they had been transformed in a manner that
strengthens our faith. “Take courage; I have conquered the world!” he tells us (John 16:33). With Jesus, we also will prevail – and often through those very difficulties which seem to overwhelm us at times. Getting through the hurt in our lives asks us to claim our wounds, unite them with Jesus, and allow God’s grace to pour in and transform them into the means of discovering new life. Ultimately, God asks us to trust that his goodness will secure victory over all distress, division, and death. This is the theme presented by the five chapters of this book originally published by Abbey Press Publications as individual titles in the Catholic Perspectives CareNotes series. In them, we are reminded that having faith does not mean that we will not have troubles, even particularly painful ones at times. However, faith does provide us with the assurance we sometimes need, the endurance to continue our journey, and the wisdom to see and experience God’s saving grace in even the darkest valley (cf. Psalm 23:4). May this little book help guide you along the way. –Br. Francis Wagner, O.S.B.
Contents When You Are Feeling Overwhelmed by Life’s Trials
1
Addiction, Grace, and Healing
10
Seeking Inner Peace After Break-up of Marriage
19
Looking to Mary in Times of Grief and Loss
29
Letting Go of the Pain When You’ve Been Hurt
38
Chapter V
Letting Go of the Pain When You’ve Been Hurt By Fr. J. Ronald Knott
G
rowing up, I was consumed with seething anger and unremitting resentment toward my father. On many days, I hated my father. I could not forgive him for the way he treated my mother, my siblings, and me. I thought this rage would be with me until one of us died. I was wrong. However, until I learned to let this anger go, it ate at me from the inside. It lasted until I was 37 years old. Mark Twain had something interesting to say about anger like mine. “Anger,” he said, “is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” 38
I have told this story so many times to so many people, that I am almost embarrassed to tell it again. However, each time I tell it, somebody is helped by it. The power and the point of this story, I hope, is not about how bad I had it — but about how I was able to move through it, and eventually let go of the pain giving rise to my anger. I pray it helps you to do the same.
Working your way through Every day, my father told me in one way or another that I was worthless, and that I would never amount to a hill of beans. He regularly humiliated my mother in front of us kids — even as she was dying of breast cancer. Even though I was the first one in my
Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him,“Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.” –Matthew 18:21-22 39
family to graduate from college, my father never congratulated me when he attended my commencement. Even at my ordination as a priest, he did not congratulate me. However, he was not the only guilty one in this drama. I was both victim and perpetrator. To get even, I would do things like write home from the seminary to my mother and not even put his name on the envelope. I called home when I knew he would not be there. One day, by the grace of God, I realized that I had to find a way to change my mind about my father — for my own sake. The words of the Our Father would stick in my throat: “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” As a priest, I would tell people during the Sacrament of Confession that they needed to forgive — but I couldn’t follow my own advice! I felt like a hypocrite. Finally, I admitted that the acid of taking offense was eating me alive, and that my anger was doing more damage to me than to my father. I was obsessing about him almost constantly. I knew I had to make peace with all of this before he died and his memory was 40
left to rule my heart and mind for the rest of my days. • A change of heart. For months, I prayed for a changed heart. Twice, I set up appointments to meet with my father — only to back out both times. By the time of the third attempt, I had decided against “letting him have it with both barrels,” as I had imagined all my life. Instead, I knew I had to forgive him, and to ask for his forgiveness for my punishing reactions to his meanness. This did not happen quickly. I prayed a long time for both the strength and an opportunity. That opportunity finally arrived at 6:30 p.m. on June 6, 1987. My opening words to my father were: “You know, we have never liked each other…” That evening turned out to be the most freeing experience I have ever had. After our discussion, on my way home, I felt as light as air. We never spoke of it again, and my father and I never became friends, but it was OK. It was good simply to be free of all that hatred and anger! Today, I can visit his grave without one bit of resentment. I shudder to think what my 41
spiritual life would be like today if God had not helped me to look at my father with different eyes, if I had not wanted those different eyes, or if he had died before I received those new eyes! If that were the case, I might still be under the spell of resentment. However, I am now free, and so is my father. Nothing changed but my mind — the way I chose to view the relationship and remember our shared past. • A change of perspective. Many say you cannot change the past — but you can! You can change the past by changing how you choose to remember it. You can change the past by looking at it from another point of view. From this different perspective, you can appreciate not only your own point of view, but other points of view as well — even those of the people who have hurt you. Bitterness, hard feelings, and even hatred are wounds that many people carry around within them on a daily basis. They have convinced themselves that they have been wronged and that the only way out is for the one who wronged them to change. That seldom 42
happens, however, and so they self-righteously nurse their toxic feelings until they become an integral part of their being. Perhaps you know someone in this unfortunate state; perhaps that someone is you. If so, take courage — there is a way out. It may take some time to get there, but if you sincerely pray for the ability to forgive and let go, wonderful things are bound to eventually happen. To arrive at the inner peace that God’s healing mercy provides, it may help to read and meditate on Jesus’ words from the cross: “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Bearing this in mind, we must take to heart the words of Saint Paul to the Colossians: “Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:13). • A changed life. Besides finding it difficult to forgive others, we sometimes cannot forgive ourselves. Have you ever done something awful or hurtful to someone you love — maybe your parents or children, a spouse, or a close friend? 43