Golden Stars in the Snow - Audrey Zhang

Golden Stars in the Snow

By Audrey Zhang

“It was that very fire and blindness, that way of flashing with her whole self into one impulse, without foresight or sight at all, that had made her seem wonderful to him. When she caught fire, she went like an arrow, toward whatever end.”

~ Willa Cather, Lucy Gayheart, Book 3, Chapter III, pg. 186.

“I’m nearly an hour late as it is, and I’ve got to make up time on the road. Wish I weren’t

in such a hurry.” He touched his fur cap with his glove and drove on (Lucy Gayheart, pg. 166).

All the countless months spent orchestrating meetings to speak to the real Harry—all her

glances that he discarded as if they meant nothing to him—ignited a firestorm of pain and fury in

Lucy. Boiling blood rushed to her face. She could no longer feel the cold, and her vision burned

white-hot at the edges.

“Harry!” Her shriek chilled him to the bone. When his broad back did not budge, she tore

through the jagged snow, flung her bag to the side of the road, and latched onto his sled.

“What are you doing, Lucy?!” Harry’s head swiveled back. His shaken voice spurred

Lucy to dig her heels into the frozen mud and pull with all her might. The horses whinnied, and

the sleigh bells cried out, but Lucy did not hear them. As Harry jerked the reins, Lucy hoisted

herself up and hooked her right leg into the seat. Just as Harry pulled in his horses, Lucy brought

in her other leg. The cutter lurched to a halt, and she slammed into him.

“Stop. Running. Away from me!” Lucy yanked Harry’s lapel and forced him to look into

her eyes. When her Tiger’s Eye gold met his icy blue, time stopped. They were an inch apart, and

their heavy breathes, which heated their faces, became the only sounds for miles.

Harry trembled beneath Lucy’s hand.

“Y-you’re choking me.”

Lucy blinked and relaxed her grip, but she held him firmly in place. She inhaled, skating

upon his sapphire gaze and parting the mist in his eyes with her resolute strides. On her exhale,

she opened her mouth and coaxed his hibernating soul from the den of his frozen heart.

“I lied in Chicago. I was trying to explain my feelings to you, but you didn’t understand.

Don’t you see that feelings aren’t things I can hold in my hand, that I can prove to you in your

physical way? That’s why I, why I–” Lucy’s voice cracked, and her eyes burned bright with

tears. She shook, but she held her gaze as level as she could.

Lucy saw Harry fumbling for his mask of faux cheerfulness but to no avail. Heartache,

anger, surprise, and longing rippled uncontrollably across his face. He was naked before her all

over again. A breath escaped his parted lips and rose into the silver sky, which had begun to

grow unbearably bright.

“I don’t want this,” Harry forced out to convince himself. Lucy felt his spirit struggling

beneath her stare, squirming for a way out of feeling pain, of living fully.

“Who said I want it? I only want our friendship back. I’m not forcing you into anything.

I’m doing this … for me,” Lucy let go and moved away. “We’re such selfish creatures, aren’t we,

Harry? But somewhere deep down, I want you to be happy too. I do. Harry, I’m sorry for

breaking your heart. My heart’s broken too. Every day is torture when I’m not living anymore.

Can’t you see? I know you’re hiding. Haven’t we hurt enough? Can’t we build something better

for ourselves, for each other?” Lucy stretched her hands out to Harry.

Lucy glimpsed a tear in Harry’s eye, but before she could speak, he pulled her into his

arms. She stiffened, but when she felt silent sobs rack his body, she raised her hands, slowly, as if

to conduct a symphony, and wrapped him in her embrace. Everything fell into place; they fit

together just right. Her cheek was hot on the side of his warm face. From that moment on, there

was no going back.

“I’m so sorry for hurting you, Lucy. Feeling everything frightens me,” Harry murmured,

so low that Lucy almost didn’t hear him. As their hearts beat together, hard and fast like rabbits

dashing through the snow, the sun broke out from behind the clouds and shone on them with

warmth and kindness.

you.” “You don’t have to be afraid anymore, Harry. You can let yourself feel now. I’m with

They held each other for an eternity before Lucy finally stirred.

“I’m leaving this place. I can’t stand it here,” Lucy glanced at their hands, which had

found each other, and then at Harry’s face. His eyes were watery, and so was his nose, but he had

never looked more peaceful in his life. She lowered her eyes, “I guess this is when we say—”

“I’m coming with you.”

Lucy’s mouth fell open. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me, loud and clear,” Harry sniffed and straightened his shoulders. “I am

coming with you. I’m through with running away. We haven’t got a moment to waste. Lead the

way, Lucy.”

“You’re married, Harry,” Lucy sputtered without thinking.

“Yes, still,” He grimaced. Reluctantly, he let go of Lucy’s hand. Then, he tugged off his

left glove and removed his ring, which he held up to the light. He twisted his lips awry as if the

small circlet was giving him commands he did not like. He reeled back his arm to fling it into the

barren woods, but Lucy intercepted, protesting that he shouldn’t waste a good ring so

impulsively.

“Must have caught it from you,” Harry arched his brows, pocketing the ring. He wanted

to say more but waited for Lucy instead. She was very close, and the rapid thudding of his heart

hurt his ribs.

“Unbelievable,” Lucy flopped back and crossed her arms over her chest. Then, she snuck

a peek at him very cautiously, as if he were a flighty creature that would dash out of her sight

forever if she moved too suddenly. “Are you willing to learn? Will you open yourself up to the

world, to me?

“I want to live with you, always.”

“Don’t dodge my questions.”

For the first time in a very long time—too long—Harry burst out into laughter. The sound

warmed Lucy from within, and she started laughing with him. The aching feeling in her chest

began to subside. Their musical voices brightened the day, and when they both recovered, Lucy

saw that Harry’s eyes had become the glimmering blue of Chicago’s river in the bountiful, lively

spring. She saw blooming flowers, opera nights, and languid strolls beneath the stars in his gaze.

Lucy saw Harry throwing off the chains of caution he had used to protect his pride, to punish

them both. She saw a depth of emotion that mirrored her own and an ocean of pure adoration that

made her heart skip a beat.

“I will.”

Something stirred inside Lucy: her longing for an untamed companion who caught fire as

she did. As Harry looked at her, saw her for everything she was, and accepted her wholly, the

feeling blossomed into something more. Lucy smiled softly, and Harry understood. He released a

breath and beamed.

stars. That brilliant afternoon, they flew toward their future together like a pair of shooting