HUMOUR

Confessionals

If you leave the group chat, I am leaving you for the sharks

Written by Kelly Chia

Is this a confessional or a reckoning? At this point, I’m not sure. I am a destroyed woman. And it’s because of you. I will RUIN you.

Look, I know how I sound.

I’m a nice person. At least, I think I am. I always say thank you when I leave the bus, sometimes even when I leave the SkyTrain. But I am not patient. I’m about two inches away from releasing fresh hell, and I will not apologize. And it’s because of you.

A bit of background on my dilemma. I admit, this group project wasn’t everything to me, three months ago. I mean, it wasn’t graded strictly, and I thought we were all about sharing the tasks. Then, we had the naive pretense of exchanging contacts via Discord, or WhatsApp. We laughed about taking on group responsibilities and joked about the long syllabus.

We had the joy of laughter then.

But it is the eve before our presentation. The crux that breaks the ship on which our friendship sailed. I’m not dramatic. I tried to be patient. I believed that you’d do your part when I had seen you in class last weekend. You told me, with a smile on your face, that you’d respond!

I sent you a text through your cell number. I waited. I messaged you on Discord. I waited. Five days passed.

I accepted the truth. I have been ghosted.

You left me asunder in an ocean of Google Slide transitions and the most unhelpful illustrations. Please tell me how I’m supposed to use a vector of a sad boy eating ice cream for our Shakespeare analysis. You make me feel like a sad boy. With no ice cream.

Left in my thoughts, I monologued on and on, much like Edgar Allen Poe and the worst group partner. You were supposed to be my partner, and you’ve parted my heart. I am running on three Red Bulls, and I’ve just had a revelation. In fact, I’d call it inspiration.

Tomorrow’s presentation will not only have no trace of your work in it, it will condemn you, in the most academic sense. You see, I have decided to do a fun mad-lib. We know the plot of Othello so well now, I’m sure the class will be excited at my creative decision to use your name in place of Iago. You are the betrayer!

Tomorrow, you will receive my fair deliverance. Everyone will hear it, the professor, the TA, and the class that could really care less. What use is the high road in a 100-level Shakespeare elective?!

. . . Or, I could go back to my chicken noodle soup, and never look at a Messenger group chat, ever again.

Dining with sophistication

Townies, Tricks, and Trash

Townhouse Compost

APPETIZER Spinach and mushroom soup

ENTRÉE Prawns sautéd with cherry tomatoes

DESSERT Yogurt cheesecake

WINE Water

Reginald Trashpánda III, Acclaimed Food Critic

Simply disappointing. Those were the first words that came to mind as I exited the Townhouse Compost this sad evening.

This week I had the ”pleasure” of Chef Lotor’s exciting cuisine. He claimed to be a freelance chef hired by SFU . . . Suspicious, but I was optimistic. He’d sent out an invite made specially for me, Reginald the III, of course. He stated this was yet to be another tasty treat only meant for the likes of my noble self. I beg to differ. Unfortunately, this restaurant and its . . . delights have left my tongue, dare I say, displeased. I will not be seeing Chef Lotor anytime soon, that’s for certain.

Off the bat, the appetizer, spinach and mushroom soup, was disappointing leaf water. All I could taste was the blandness of it all. No salt, creaminess, nor any garnish. I think at some point, the soap had layers of unpalatable awfulness of what was justified as “soup.” If you are familiar with homemade broth, the layers of fat and the liquid is what creates the taste of umami. What was in my bowl was simply not that. Far from it, in fact. The mushroom was raw and the spinach had withered into non-existence. More like a garnish than a feature! Stirred together, I saw the clear reflection of my regret in those murky waters. I nearly sobbed into my little paws. The downside of the whole appetizer is that this is supposed to be a simple tummy-warming dish, but at some point I felt it claw back up to my throat.

I insisted on skipping the entrée, worried that my night would suddenly become unpleasant from the indulgences of this regrettable meal. Chef Lotor, oblivious to my apparent disgust, brought this horror forth. How can one think to cook this meal and ration the least amount of prawns one can ever think of is beyond me. The whole point of prawns sautéed with cherry tomatoes is the prawns! The tomatoes overpowered the whole meal and it lacked zest and aroma. The spinach in this meal was, well, present. Come to think of it, the amount of spinach in this meal could have been used sufficiently in the spinach and mushroom soup.

The dessert was the only part of the meal that was able to calmly stay in my belly. I had no intention of finishing the whole fiasco, but the proportions of the ingredients and its warmth made the experience somewhat less vile. It was sufficiently filled with dairy, and I admit a small weakness for cheese. I sadly chewed on the soggy graham crust while thinking over my sordid meal.

For the many reasons I can list on for eternity, this meal did not deserve any assortment of wine, so I drank water to quench the filth stuck in the back of my throat threatening a torture that would proceed the night.

Was this restaurant worth my time? No. I have never been more disappointed in Chef Lotor’s recommendation, he has started to lose his dazzle. Worse, I suspect he unintentionally tried to poison me. I, Reginald Trashpánda III, your honorable and favorable food critic. I am deeply immersed in the love for cuisines but this was not anywhere close to that. I now must get on that Yelping app to warn my fellow readers of this monstrous chef!

Your Weekly Horoscopes

After the stress of midterms, the stars offer you some self-care tips June 27–July 3 Max Lorette

Peak Associate and Local Mystic

ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19

Has the stress of exams got you down, Aries? Do you feel stuck and exhausted? The stars have told me that you are overdue for a natural shower in the rain. Like Poet Laureate Natasha Bedingfield said, “Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you.” Just make sure you wear a coat. Whatever you do, don’t blame me if you catch a cold. Have you felt out of balance lately? Have you been feeling generally off? The stars have informed me that you’ve been carrying your book bag on your right side for far too long. Switch that bag to the other shoulder and injure it too so it doesn’t feel left out.

TAURUS — Apr 20–May 20

Taurus, when your friends are asking how you’re doing, I promise that they genuinely wish to know. There’s no need to lie and tell them that you’re fine. Next time, instead of your cookie-cutter response, simply scream at the top of your lungs into the phone. That will certainly get the message across.

GEMINI — May 21–Jun 20

Gemini, how has your sleep schedule been lately? The stars have been worrying that you’ve been wearing yourself down too thin. While the best solution would be to get to bed early, we all know how highly unrealistic that notion is. Instead, try micro-dosing on sleep by just taking slower blinks. I’m no expert, but isn’t that just basically a mini nap?

CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22

Something (the stars) tells me you haven’t taken the time for a mental break in a while. Hit two birds with two stones and begin hydrating yourself to no end. I’m talking about getting one of those comically large bottles of water. You know the ones. Not only will you assist the proper function of your organs, but you can give your mind a quick rest while you stare off into space during your 5th pee-break of the day.

LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22

Now, we both know that you hold a certain flair for the dramatics, so next time you feel a little bit too stressed out my best suggestion would be to fake your own death. Show up to your funeral in a clever disguise and watch on like the Petty Patty you are. Once you reveal yourself to be alive, I’m pretty sure that everyone will be so overjoyed that you won’t have to hand in that assignment you were dreading. I think one time I read in a self-care article that keeping a journal is a useful tactic. Vent out all your feelings into the pages of your new Moleskin! Reveal all your life’s secrets! Next, leave it out in the open so that I can steal BORROW it. Don’t forget to add in your credit card number and your CVN.

VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22

If things have felt too overwhelming lately, the stars have suggested putting on some rain sounds. They have advised you to imagine yourself as a tiny little frog on a lily pad. Things are always less stressful if you're just a little slimy guy on a lily pad. Maybe try eating a fly or two while you're at it!

LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22

SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21

Next time you’re feeling low on energy, the stars advise that you appreciate the little things in life. Give a hug to your shortest friend. Buy some of those erasers shaped like little versions of food. Give a kiss to a bug. Research bacteria. Either way, it’ll take your mind off of the constant gears winding in your head.

SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21

Have you ever heard some WASP woman talking about how good yoga is physically and mentally? Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve made it a habit to never listen to a Karen. Even if they possess a shred of truth, I advise you to do the complete opposite. Instead of yoga, try lying in bed for a few days. Soon, you and the mattress will become one.

CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19

As much as I respect the hustle, the idea of working yourself to the bone simply isn’t sustainable, my dearest Capricorn. The stars and I are literally begging you to take a singular day off. Do not run any errands. Do not hang out with friends. Simply allow yourself to exist. Don’t try to weasel yourself out of this one, Capricorn! It’s called tough love for a reason.

AQUARIUS — Jan 20–Feb 18

PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20

When was the last time you went to the aquarium? Middle school? Elementary school? The stars have informed me that looking at some swimming little fishies is exactly what you need to calm down. Rejoin your brethren and take a big dunk into the tank with the fellow aquatic sea life. Or, maybe just get an overpriced hat from the gift shop. That works too.

McFogg the Dog is actually a queer icon

You haven’t noticed the pinnacle of queer SFU rep?

WRITTEN BY CHLOË ARNESON

In honour of pride month, The Peak wanted to shine a spotlight on one of our favourite underrated LGBTQIA2S+ icons, McFogg the Dog. Any student within the community with at least a semi-functioning gay-dar could tell you that the burly, mustachioed, kilt-wearing beast is definitely a little fruity.

The LGBTQIA2S+ community has a history of choosing strange mascots to represent our pride. The question of who, or what, is chosen by the community to become a “gay icon” is simultaneously very simple, and yet impossible to describe. Lady Gaga and Elton John, those make sense. But what about frogs? Or the Babadook? Queer icons are adopted by different parts of the community from vastly different parts of culture. The one defining factor — an aura that speaks to some part of the queer experience. McFogg the Dog absolutely oozes the aura of a gay icon.

McFogg’s attitude is the only explanation for how he so effortlessly slays his iconic look: a kilt, boots, a tiny hat, and his muscled chest covered with barely a wisp of a vest. Aside from the obvious lack of toxic masculinity it takes to pull off a look so glamorous, McFogg is that bitch and he knows it. He is serving leather daddy in Pride-thehouse-down boots. He literally looks like the furries you inevitably bump into at Pride. As someone who grew up on the gay side of the internet, I don’t even want to know what kind of art of our Scottish fursona there is out there. McFogg has all the makings of a bear, despite being a tiny Scottish terrier.

His big, hairy body certainly does not go unappreciated, as he was voted SFU’s sexiest in 2022. His pretty face and iconic look isn’t the only thing that we appreciate about McFogg, however. After reading a 3000-word article on the history of our beloved icon, I believe his story of overcoming adversity echoes the difficulties of the queer experience. You can definitely expect to see him on the front of rainbow coloured Walmart shirts next June.

After he was introduced in 1996, many students felt that McFogg was not manly enough, with one Peak writer having allegedly seen our dashing hero taken down and mugged by three pre-teens. Just mortifying. Despite facing these horrors, he rose above with a fresh glow-up, those iconic muscles, and overflowing confidence. If that isn’t iconic, I don’t know what is. Last time somebody told me that I was an abomination, I got ten times hotter and made sweet love to their mom, so I can confirm that this is the quintessential gay experience.

Across

1. Brainstorm 5. Fragrance 10. Occupied with 14. High 15. More sensible 16. Detergent 17. Vocalist ____ Fitzgerald 18. Sacred song 19. Moniker 20. Blunder 22. Made of clay 24. Relatives 25. Make over 26. Lettuce dish 29. Opposing 34. Native mineral 35. Give forth 37. Guiding person 38. Froth 40. Flawless 42. Presented 43. Appoint 45. Coin opening 47. Giggle sound 48. Strike back 50. Decorate 52. Corn spikes 53. Actor's hint 54. Moderately slow, in music 58. Product list 62. Indian attire 63. Speak 65. Bedspring 66. One who mimics 67. ____ Island 68. Leer 69. Worshipers' seats 70. Consumer 71. Facial feature

Down

1. Ledger entry 2. Painter Salvador ____ 3. Building extensions 4. Juneau's state 5. Ski resort 6. Scrape roughly 7. Stop ____ dime (2 wds.) 8. Free-for-alls 9. Armored mammal 10. Negative contraction 11. Ark's captain 12. Docile 13. Unwrap 21. Ocean current 23. Stood up 25. Quizzes again 26. As yet (2 wds.) 27. Got up 28. Minimum 29. Disencumber 30. Children's game 31. Boise's state 32. No way! 33. Putting ____ 36. Small model 39. Actress ____ Farrow 41. Pub drink 44. Narrow valley 46. Tense 49. R&B singer ____ Franklin 51. Church officer 53. Concerned one 54. Right away (abbr.) 55. Neck part 56. Depicted 57. Broadcasts 58. Give in 59. Advertising symbol 60. Greases 61. Delight 64. Tyke

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