HUMOUR

The future is not yet clear . . . Perhaps I need to clean my glasses

ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19

The stars have informed me that it is a good idea for you to stay inside as much as possible this week. The cosmic forecast is calling for a killer sunburn on your horizon, and God knows you haven’t been keeping up with your SPF routine. Maybe try beating your Guitar Hero high score instead of suntanning. Nature has been calling you! You have been evading nature’s call! They’ve left, like, 10 voicemails now. You’re running out of storage! You should really call them back. Go touch some grass and hug a tree or something. Maybe go smell a flower or two. Change your phone background to some trees, maybe? I don’t know, dude, I’m just the messenger.

TAURUS — Apr 20–May 20

When was the last time you cleaned your bedside table, Taurus? The number of mugs, bowls, and spoons makes me very concerned. Is that mould growing in your half-empty teacup? Yuck! I promise you will feel much better after you take care of the mess. It might not declutter your overactive mind, but it also couldn’t hurt.

GEMINI — May 21–Jun 20

Do you feel as though you’ve been missing something from your life, my dearest Gemini? Do you feel an aching emptiness inside of you? When was the last time you saw your wallet? Or better yet, when was the last time you saw your appendix? I’m telling you, the government is totally harvesting that organ for some reason. I’m onto them. You should be, too.

CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22

The stars are telling me that you have been looking for love in all the wrong places. Have you tried looking under the couch? In the dryer? Perhaps in the back of your closet? Oh wait, I think I got your soulmate mixed up with that pair of socks you lost three months ago. Good luck anyway!

LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22

Have you been looking for a new way to be the life of the party this summer? Leo, this season is all about you. Next time you get invited to hang out in a group, the stars advise you to learn how to do the worm. Trust me, it will bring your adoring crowd to their knees. Have you been feeling stuck in your music taste lately? Have you tried discovery weekly? If that doesn’t help, maybe try listening to some classical music. I’m pretty sure that blasting “O Fortuna” at full volume while you strut your stuff this summer is the vibe that the stars have in mind.

LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22

SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21

Next time you’re invited out to a bonfire, whatever you do, DO NOT play “Wonderwall.” The forest spirits have become restless, and the stars have informed me that they are NOT Oasis fans. Instead, try mixing your setlist up with some Taylor Swift. The spirits are totally Swifties.

SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21

When was the last time you did some self-reflection? Take a good, hard look in the mirror. Remember how far you’ve come. Remember to be proud of the person you’ve grown into. You’re doing amazing. Mwah! (Also, I think you might have something in your teeth).

CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19

The stars have informed me that they are incredibly disappointed that you haven’t been keeping up with your silent reading time! What, do you think because you’ve exited the public school system you can just quit silent reading? Go to a used bookstore, get the oldest looking tome you can and get back to it. The book probably isn’t cursed.

AQUARIUS — Jan 20–Feb 18

VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22

The stars have informed me that this upcoming week is the best time for you to change up your style! Why wait until the new year to be a whole new you? Go buy a cowboy hat! Get a pair of crocs! Go nuts! PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20

Take a deep breath, Pisces. Straighten up that spine, roll your shoulders back, and correct your posture. Your back literally looks like a lowercase “r” right now. Maybe it’s time to visit a chiropractor again. Crack my bones, Posture Daddy.

RACCOON REPORT

What’s on the Menu: Weekly reports with your best pal and racoon, Stinks

Bigger bins don’t always mean bigger treats

Welcome back to What’s on the Menu. I am your best pal, Stinks the Raccoon, with the weekly report on what the students are tossing in the trash. Thanks to your readership, this has become the top raccoon newsletter. We have a treat for you. In the past month, a number of students have moved off the SFU residence area, and what was left behind was a feast! Tune into my report to hear more.

The amount of garbage left on the sides of the flooded bins was impeccable. Just prime stuff. I’m talking Cheeto dust, Maruchan ramen packs, and beautiful SPAM. Even some whole packages of spinach! I guess humans buy produce to watch them wilt. so we’ve been lucky lately, but I’m no scientist.

If you missed it, do visit our website where you can buy your favorite snacks and check the countdown clock on when the next treasures will be flooding in the Garbage Disposals of Glory. Of course, you will need to turn your alerts on and pass this information along to your families.

And now, it is with great sadness to announce that Mr. Slow Paws’ son, Sticky Paws, got himself stuck in the garbage disposal. What pushed him to go this far, we do not know. Our top sources indicate he wanted to find the most priced junk in order to sway the ladies.

We are deeply saddened by this news. We were not able to recover him because it was garbage pick up day. Goodbye, sweet prince. May you eat lots of garbage, whatever garbage disposal you visit next. Next on What’s on the Menu is the top five foods the community has voted on.

At number five is cracked eggs. Whilst these are gems hard to find, the sweet yolk and the crunch of the eggshell makes it worthwhile. At number four is the frogs. Chewy and puffy, the elastic skin is good for a long munch, especially if food is scarce. With the rain coming in and out, these snacks have become rare, so look out, folks.

At number three and two we have the rotten mangoes and watermelons. If you are lucky you might find tomatoes, too. The humans are definitely getting back on the summer fruit wave.

At number one is our all time favorite and is still holding its position: the canned and jarred food. We have the old moldy beans, tangy jams, and beef cans. Mushroom soups too, yuck, but it is on the list. While sticking our little paws into the cans is most definitely unsafe, it’s always worth the risk.

In other news, the president of racoon watch, Mr. Scraps, has announced that the local humans in our area have decided to change the bins. While the bins signify more supply, we ought to watch out for the composite bins with the new locks that trap everything inside. Our composite stealth missions are currently halted until further investigation.

Across

1. Pretended 6. Bad actors 10. Male offspring 14. Monte ____ 15. "____ dead people!" (2 wds.) 16. Grub 17. Author ____ Asimov 18. Singer ____ Turner 19. Fee 20. Fender nick 21. Walked leisurely 23. Ooze 26. Brie, e.g.

Down

1. Amino ____ 2. Instance 3. Happen 4. Thrill 5. Trumpeter ____ Severinsen 6. Strikes 7. Japan's continent 8. Diner list 9. Otherworldly meeting 10. Showed (a movie) 11. Midwest airport 12. Short messages 13. Stockholm native 22. Not this 27. Recipe abbr. 29. German, e.g. 33. "The Greatest" 34. Andes animal 35. Singing voice 39. Insult 41. Those who fib 43. Idiot 44. Pointed weapon 46. Clip 48. Hollywood's ____ West 49. Practice a performance 51. Kind 52. Off the path 55. Reach across 57. Ferocity 61. Tie firmly 64. Censor 65. Roman fiddler 66. Slogan 67. Lease 68. So be it! 69. Laker Shaquille ____ 70. Elm or pine 71. Female pigs 72. Pie slice

24. Slippery fish 25. Haul 27. File labels 28. Smack 30. Elevate 31. D-Day beach 32. Kitchen gadget 36. Proposed as a candidate 37. Colorful gem 38. Smell bad 40. Hair clasp 42. Fresh talk 45. 500 sheets 47. Congressman (abbr.) 50. Doglike scavengers 52. Ward off 53. Passover feast 54. Old pronoun 56. Solo 58. Disney clownfish 59. Personnel 60. Long periods 62. Deer 63. Cavity 66. Cut grass

SUDOKU

For more content by students for students, check out The Peak’s YouTube.