Your Weekly Horoscopes

The Stars feel like giving out mixed signals this week.

ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19

You decided to take the day off today, ‘cause you’re young, wild, and free! You need to go to Whistler to ski; you’re trying to beat that weekend rush. Your boss called you in the middle of shredding the gnar, because he doesn’t know what worklife balance means. Do you care, though? That sounds like a HIM problem.

TAURUS — Apr 20–May 20

You’re really doing it all this week, Taurus. You’ve been hustling to make bank and your hard work is paying off. The Stars think you should treat yourself to celebrate your accomplishments. A Little Treat™️ is exactly what you need!

Gemini

— May 21–Jun 20

It’s Slay Queen Season and your Slay Queen attitude is lacking. Go for a hot girl walk and listen to Doja Cat to remind yourself that you’re iconic and deserve to slay every day.

CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22

It was Sangria Saturday last weekend, so obviously you drank enough Sangria to make your liver burst into flames. You woke up the next morning feeling like one of SFU’s chonkiest raccoons slept on your face, but you rallied and went to brunch with the girlies anyways. We love that for you, but hope it doesn’t happen again. The Stars see water and electrolytes in your future.

LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22

You tried to manifest a sick social life but accidentally manifested chaos. You’re behind on everything yet still choose to play Sims 4 instead of actually listening to your prof’s lecture. You’re, like, totally buggin’ this week, Leo. The Stars need you to get it together.

VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22

You decided to try being motivated this week and it’s worked out swimmingly. Your to-do lists have never been shorter and you’re sleeping better than ever. Why haven’t you been doing this the whole time?!?

March 6–10

Hannah Kazemi Staff Writer and Knower of Everything

LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22

The Stars don’t know where to start with you, Libra, so you don’t get a horoscope this week. There’s too many issues to address.

SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21

Dear Scorpio: no notes this week. We know you’re putting your best foot forward, and you don’t need us to tell you that! You’re doing great. Mwah. Sincerely, the Stars <33

SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21

The Stars need you to chill the fuck out, Sagitarius. You procrastinated that essay for too long and now it’s due in two days, which means that you’re in turbo stress mode. Eat a nanaimo bar or something to experience actual happiness because WOWWW we’re tense this week!!

CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19

I know you’re feeling tired, burnt out, writer’s block, blah blah blah. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and maybe do something about it instead of wallowing in self-pity. Everyone’s tired of hearing you complain! The Stars can’t take this shit anymore!!!

AQUARIUS — Jan 20–Feb 18

“Aquarius” sounds like “aquarium,” and that’s the best we’ve got for you this week. Look into the SFU koi’s eyes and you may derive some ancient wisdom. Do with that information what you will.

PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20

Pisces is the fish sign, right? Idk, maybe get some sushi or something this week to make yourself feel better about the fact that you’re last on our list of horoscopes. By the time we get to your sign, a whole week has passed and still nothing notable has happened. Don’t be forgettable, Pisces. Embody chaotic Michael Scott energy and be like Beyoncé, always.