HUMOUR

5. Assert dominance

Nothing is embarrassing if you are not embarrassed. Proudly stand up, interrupt the professor and loudly announce that you will be leaving. Make eye contact with everyone around you and dare them to say anything or even smile a little bit. Don’t turn around; slowly back out of the classroom with your arms spread out, making yourself look as big as possible. T-pose on your classmates. Move to higher ground if you need to. You are the predator and they are the prey: make sure they know.

ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19

This week, I think you should branch out a little. Go for a walk in nature, collect some sticks off of the ground, and join your brethren amongst the forest. I’m not quite sure what this will accomplish, but it feels like a nice September activity regardless. The Stars have instructed me to inform you that no amount of fancy stationery shall give you the aura of productivity. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a cheat sheet for that kind of thing. The best thing that you can do is actually study for that upcoming quiz you probably forgot about.

TAURUS — Apr 20–May 20

The Stars have given me a warning for you this week, Taurus. They have informed me that constant remarks of “Can you believe it’s September already?” and, “2022 is almost over! It feels like it just started!” will not halt the constant crawl of time passing. They do little but upset the gods of time. Let the passing of days and weeks become a steady stream, lest you invoke the wrath of Kronos.

CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22

Listen, I’m just going to say this once. Now that Halloween is approaching, the Stars recommended you avoid making Spooky Season your entire personality for an entire month. The Stars think that you’re a lot better than reusable coffee cups from Walmart and Michael’s with silly spooky slogans.

LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22

Unless you’re up on residence, you probably have a pretty long transit, Leo. The Stars recognize this as a universal experience for all SFU students, but they have specifically told you to put that precious time to use. Take up listening to audiobooks while you drive or ride the skytrain. Did you know most libraries offer them for free? The Stars suggest that you start off with The Necronomicon! The Stars advise you to take a few days off of social media. It’s seriously becoming a cesspool of terrible takes, and the Stars are concerned that you’re turning into someone who is chronically online. Touch some grass, Aquarius.

VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22

The Stars have a very special task for you this week, Virgo. Listen to me very carefully. In the dead of night, bring a singular black coffee (preferably from Renaissance) to the avocado in the AQ. Circle the avocado clockwise thrice, then leave the coffee in front of the mirror. Chant, “You are SFU!” thrice before circling the avocado once more, counterclockwise. The Stars won’t tell me exactly what the reward for this will be, only that it shall be grand.

LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22

SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21

This week, the Stars are withholding your horoscope unless you are willing to undergo a quest for knowledge. The Stars have long been waiting for a brave student to seek out the forbidden knowledge that has long since evaded them: What actually goes on in the Halpern Centre? Has anyone actually ever stopped to ask that? Wake up sheeple!

CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19

It may be a bit soon, but the Stars have informed me to tell you straight up to stop avoiding taking classes that fulfill your breadth credits. No, seriously. The longer you put those off the worse it’ll be.

AQUARIUS — Jan 20–Feb 18

PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20

The Stars wish to remind you that you can actually get paid for writing for The Peak. Seriously! It’s a good opportunity, it’s easy to just sign up for pitch emails, and take up prompts when it strikes your fancy. Who knows! Maybe you can even take up writing the Horoscopes with me! It pays well to become a mouthpiece for dark and unknowable entities dubbed as “the Stars.”

SUDOKU

PEAK MEMBERSHIP PEAK MEMBERSHIP

As an SFU student, you subscribe to the Peak Publications Soci-As an SFU student, you subscribe to the Peak Publications Socih ety. With your subscription, paid through a small levy included r dedulcniyvelllamsahgutdiap,noitpircsbusruoyhtiW.yt in your tuition, you get access to a weekly copy of The Peak filled with news and views of interest to you. Additional privileges of being an SFU student include the ability register your membership with the Society, to place free classified ads, to be paid for work submitted and published in The Peak, and to apply for a job on The Peak’s staff. Your contribution also helps provide jobs and experience for other SFU students, maintain an archive of SFU history through the eyes of students, maintain The Peak’s website, and support student journalism across Canada. Students who have paid their tuition fees and do not wish to support their student newspaper may request a subscription fee refund from the Business Manger, but MUST provide a copy of their REGISTRATION SUMMARY, RECEIPT, and STUDENT ID between Tuesday, September 6 and Monday, September 19 at 4:00 p.m. . No refunds will be issued outside of this time frame. Students claiming refunds will lose their subscription for the semester, but subscription will resume upon payment of student fees next semester. Questions? Email business@the-peak.ca

e o in your tuition, you get access to a weekly copy of The Peak filled with news and views of interest to you. Additional privileges of being an SFU student include the ability register your membership with the Society, to be paid for work published in The Peak, to apply for a job on and The Peak’s staff.

Your contribution also helps provide jobs and experience for oth er SFU students, maintain an archive of SFU history through the eyes of students, maintain The dent journalism across Canada. Peak’s website, and support stu -

Students who have paid their tuition fees and do not wish to support their student newspaper may request a subscription fee refund from the Business Manager, but MUST provide a copy of their REGISTRATION SUMMARY, RECEIPT, and STUDENT ID between Tuesday, September 6 and Monday, September 19 at 4:00 p.m. No refunds will be issued outside of this time frame. Students claiming refunds will lose their subscription for the semester, but subscription will resume upon payment of student fees next semester.