The In-Between Vol. 2

T h e P e n n E p i s t l e T h e I nB e t w e e n vol.

Dear reader,

At some point in our time at Penn, I think we all ask ourselves, “What am I even doing here?” For many of us, Penn was a type of end-goal. If we could just get here, our dreams would inevitably come true. Penn’s tried-and-true formula always produces spectacular results. Supposedly. Yet, it’s easy to get lost on the way— there’s just too much to do and to be. We feel like a failure if we can’t get the university to work in our favor. We feel like it’s our own fault when the promises of Penn fall short, as if we didn’t steward its privileges well enough.

There’s an element to Penn’s “LOVE” that is so superficial. And it’s tiresome, coming to that same realization over and over again. We say we see through it, but we still put this university on a pedestal, dedicating forty, fifty, sixty hours of our week to being its poster children. Shouldn’t we have learned by now that this isn’t everything? But no, we all participate in Penn’s superficial love

In this zine, we try to capture the nuanced experience of Christian students at Penn, not because we feel isolated from the pressures of Penn’s culture, but because we resent the hold it still has on us. We try to live in the freedom of Jesus Christ while still fighting to breathe on a claustrophobic campus No matter your belief system, I believe we all still struggle with this hypocrisy of resisting and perpetuating the negative aspects of Penn’s culture.

Incidentally, this issue came to be not only about the Christian walk, but about the journeys of Penn students figuring out what it is they really want. Penn tells us to chase a certain path, but are any of them worth this? If Penn’s promises return void, even when we give everything we have, how can we know for sure what is worth it? Can this campus be a place of authentic yearning instead of chasing shadows?

As you thumb through these pages, we invite you to open your heart to what you may be searching for. We are convinced that this time at Penn, in between childhood and adulthood, in between heaven and earth, is for a purpose. The Epistle believes it is for the glory of Jesus Christ, who is ultimately worth everything we have. But the question is open to you: what do you want? What are you searching for? Are you ready for who you will find?

With love, Ellie

Shuert

“God is always talking to you, it’s your job to quiet down and listen to Him,”

are the words I was given from a beloved mentor of mine. Her words shifted my perspective, but her task was intangible.

I have the desire to fill a gap within me. A gap that’s foreign, one I don’t know how to close, one that I feel alone in. How do I complete the puzzle when I don't know what the missing piece looks like?

God is always talking, but I can’t hear Him. I’m trying, but I’m fruitless.

Does God make Himself hard to find?

My favorite game as a child was hide-and-go-seek. I loved the

Throughout my time in high school, I realized how much I love to write down my prayers. I like how it organizes my thoughts and the feeling of scribbling whatever is on my mind down, but most importantly, to track my prayers. The biggest realization I’ve had flipping through them is how faithfully God delivers and, unfortunately, how I often fail to. I wrote the prayer I selected a few months ago, in my senior spring of high school. At this point in my life, it was finally sinking in that I had been accepted into my dream school, the University of Pennsylvania.

Driving to and from school my senior fall, I prayed that the Lord would provide a way for me to be accepted if it was where He wanted me to be, but if not, that He would close that door. Now that was a tough prayer. Surrendering my own wishes and what I thought was best for me was extremely hard to do, but through it, I developed a trust in the Lord that I hadn’t had before. And without a doubt, He heard me! For this reason, I knew it was by God’s faithfulness that I had been given the opportunity to come to Penn.

So sitting in my room late that night, I was pouring out my feelings to God, who I knew I could trust wholly. I first mentioned my failure to be consistent in my relationship with God. It’s easy to be reminded of how much you need God when you are going through the difficult seasons in life, and still you forget Him during your highs. I was loving life —a girl on top of the food chain of high school, accepted into college, savoring her last moments with her friends, and looking forward to the next chapter of college.

But in the midst of all of that, I lost the persistent connection of trust and dependence on God I had in the fall of that year. One of the biggest downsides of that were the ways I was unable to see God at work in my life as it was so plain to me in the fall. Even though there was so much uncertainty when applying to college during that time, my faith in the Lord flourished because I learned that leaning on His good, pleasing, and perfect will was a much more stable foundation than anything my application had to offer.

I came to realize this, which is what led me to confess to God in this prayer, that I wanted to walk through that last month of high school with Him as closely as I did in the fall. I would love to say I no longer struggle with this, but that would not be true. Some days I am overwhelmed by the ways God has blessed me and feel urrounded by His love and peace, and other days, I carry n barely acknowledging Him, usually with the excuse of being “too busy” but, in reality, prioritizing other things before Him. But the Lord, being gracious, forgives my neglect, and rather than roll His eyes at me and say, “Here she goes again,” He calls me forgiven each time and rejoices that I want to build my relationship with Him.

On the other side of my repeated failures, my prayers reveal God’s consistent faithfulness. I marvel at the prayers I have come back to and the way the Lord has answered them. A repeated prayer I had leading up to my time at Penn was for Christian fellowship. However, attending a university with a diverse range of beliefs and religions, I wasn’t sure what I’d find. But God has delivered in so many ways, through fellowship, churches, random friends and classmates, and even a Christian student paper!

When you think about it, it’s not really fair that I should profit in these ways in spite of my shortcomings, but that is what the Lord chose. Doesn’t that say so much about His character? That He is willing to overlook our shortcomings in order to bless us and provide us a way to grow closer to Him? And much greater than any earthly blessing, the salvation we obtain through Jesus' death and resurrection on the cross. All of this should prompt some response from us. Specifically so, the Lord’s kindness should lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4). True repentance, that is not a sense of shame or guilt, but conviction by the Spirit, confession to the Father, and grace through the crucifixion of the Son.

Why is it that I call to everyone else but You? Every morning I walk out the door scared.

Worried about whether I’ll accomplish all the expectations I had set for myself that day.

But all I want to know is, what are Your expectations?

look presentable.

presentable.

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What is presentable to You?

With each passing day, I wonder, what do You want me to do?

Are the thoughts in my head truly mine? How am I supposed to know when it is You?

Is it enough to say I believe?

I wonder this as I push through my doubts in search of the truth.

sometimes i get scared that i'll drift away that i'll be so focused on growing Your Kingdom yet never let You onto the throne of my heart

sometimes i get scared that i'll get caught that my closest friends would see me with shame if they knew how wretched my heart actually was

sometimes i don't know if You love me You have put eternity into my heart but my lungs become intoxicated with fumes of temporary

sometimes i hear stories of famous men of God getting caught red-handed in their sin and i wonder if i could ever fall that far

sometimes i worry that i’m doing the right thing while i lie in bed with my own ego overcome with a reckless passion for arrogance

oh how easy it is to build a Christian Kingdom without ever putting You on its throne instead, a peasant sleeping in a King-sized bed

How my misery seems to become a mountain I shall never surmount, how jealousy masquerades as love, how weak I am in the face of suffering that I would rather be numb and distracted than face any pain, despite knowing that you bore so much more and never shrunk from a trial…

Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.

(Hebrews 10:22)

To that broken bench by the Schuylkill, We fled for our midday tryst.

Giddy and grinning, we gabbed for hours As summer turned harvest.

To that broken bench by the Schuylkill, We fled for our midday tryst. Giddy and grinning, we gabbed for hours As summer turned harvest.

Of albums and ambitions and coffee and convictions, Dreams and doubts, we spoke.

We swore to each other, never will I leave you, And yet, that promise, I broke.

Of albums and ambitions and coffee and convictions, Dreams and doubts, we spoke. We swore to each other, never will I leave you, And yet, that promise, I broke.

I haven’t found you on that riverbank again Near that sunken seat–

I haven’t found you on that riverbank again Near that sunken seat–

Once my Sinai but now my Wilderness. How long until we meet?

Once my Sinai but now my Wilderness. How long until we meet?

But under that knotty willow, for you, I wait More than watchmen for the dawn.

But under that knotty willow, for you, I wait More than watchmen for the dawn.

Where once we shared Paradise, my soul waits

More than watchmen for the dawn

Where once we shared Paradise, my soul waits More than watchmen for the dawn.

It’s swallowing me whole seeping into every crevice slow ripples like spindly fingers reaching to lure me under. Thick, ugly, rotten sin. I am entirely made up of it.

My body surrenders, placid in the depths of what I have made. Palms open, trembling ready to be taken by the fate I anticipate. I repent.

I chose myself over the Word. Dark earthly pleasures over Your eternal life. The apple that shone with beads of temptation dripping from its core. I repent.

I see them all now my shortcomings stark naked reflections. As my heavy heart sinks ever deeper into the unforgiving swamp. I repent.

With my lips pressed closed resisting the viscous mass I try to scream out Save me, Father. I have sinned against You. I have erred and strayed. Blame no other for my offenses than the resistance of myself to honor You wholly in mind and body.

As it trickles into my mouth I think of the cross. I see Him, pure, willing, drowning in this flood of my filthy sins. His face is only serenity amidst the weight of my despair. As it consumes Him I can breathe again. The sin releases its grip I am almost free.

I do not want to feel the fire as You refine me. But Your love does not diminish or discriminate; give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace. Hold me tightly in Your arms and wash me in Your blood; forgive me again, save me from myself. My heart must be one without fear of the Lord, for me to spurn You so. Teach me what it means to love You, and lead me out of this sinful pit of darkness.

But God's firm foundation stands, bearing this seal: “The Lord knows those who are his,” and, “Let everyone who names the name of the Lord depart from iniquity.” (2 Timothy 2:19)

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

I walk in the cool, crisp air, taking in the scene around me. I take in the green of the grass, blue of the sky, orange of the trees, And in this space, in His World, I am content and free.

And God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good.

Hearing the gentle chirping of the birds, Feeling the warm glow of the sun, And it feels like I imagine it would when the world had first begun.

Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned.

But life exists outside of my picture of perfect. I live in a world that seldom stops, Spinning me in a web of sin and stress from piled up work. I become one of many students enslaved to their laptops, And whatever that He has deemed divine I try to reject.

I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.

He pulls me back into the light. He shows me love and mercy that will never end, Welcoming me home to an eternity by His throne. And although my sins and passions try to defend, His grace always wins and my heart awes at the sight.

How to want what You want:

1. Start drinking coffee. My parents started drinking coffee together. Never a day-to-day routine except on Saturday mornings when they slept in, brewing a pot before sitting down to watch soap operas or the news. When I got older, I partook in their routine, pouring myself just the smallest amount into a white ceramic mug, inoculated with vanilla creamer. Just the smallest amount so I wouldn’t totally disrupt their three cups. I wanted to be like them without entering the frame. The pair of them and this coffee so went together.

2. Make it a routine. They started to drink it every morning. My fault, because my job allowed me to bring home free coffee grounds perhaps the supply provided the demand. I was reminded of their newfound addiction every night I saw the faint blue light piercing through the darkness of the kitchen. Though I shook my head in pity because they had made it fifty years without needing the caffeine to cure a headache I admired their consistency. An appreciation for discipline and routine was not something I inherited from them. I wish I did. Their Everydayness was a simple beauty and a passion. They enjoyed every day of what they’ve built, and that Every Day began with a cup of dark roast and hazelnut creamer.

3. Hazelnut creamer. I began to notice that their coffees tasted the same. Hazelnut creamer in the same proportions, carried to work in the same thermos of different colors. What did they even take in their coffees before they met each other? It was as if their habits disguised themselves as one another and they didn’t care to tell the difference. My dad can make coffee for my mom, making it how he likes, knowing with confidence that it is her preference also. And it sounds so simple, but I can’t help but wonder how such different people can grow towards each other.

I think love in its mature stages looks like this: when you love each other, your tastes converge. Coffee becomes sweeter when you are around. And if you love coffee one way, and I love you, I want to taste the coffee you taste. I want to see and hold and touch the world that you see and hold and touch.

So if I love You, I’ll eat more of Your bread and drink more often from Your well. Your supper intrigues me I’ve known what it is to be hungry, and this meal seems nourishing. The tastiness will make me love You all the more. I’ll take my bread and wine as You do. I’ll love more of what You love, and I’ll want more of what You want. Your will shall be my will, and every blessing will taste like hazelnut creamer as I see You weaving my Every Days together into a sturdy cloth of eternity.

The first notes of the song tickled my ears as I walked down Locust Walk. After spending the weekend at the Poconos for Penn Newman Center’s Awakening retreat, I welcomed all the familiar sights on campus—the towering trees with their autumn leaves, the Compass, the tables outside of Arch, the LOVE sign, College Hall. However, this once familiar campus all of a sudden felt different as I began to listen to the lyrics of the song. “Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within. Lord have Your way. Lord have Your way in me. ” As the gentle, chilly wind brushed against my face and whistled through the trees, I felt so aware of God. I felt so acutely aware of His gaze. A nun once told me that if God stopped thinking about me, I would cease to exist. I could feel that as an unexpected warmth bloomed in my chest. I could feel it as I watched a group of small birds soar through the sunset sky. I could feel it as a random student smiled at me as they walked past. I could feel it as my lungs expanded with each breath and my bones moved with each step. He has been here all along. Like Elijah, one can expect for such a magnificent God to appear in grand ways—in an earthquake, in a fire, in a strong wind— but as God showed, He often comes in a small whisper. I allowed that realization to wrap around my heart. Listening to the words “I surrender,” I could feel the barriers of my heart crumbling down, surrendering to the truth that while I may often feel alone while walking around, God has always been and will always be with me. If I surrendered myself to the truth of His omnipresence and desire to embrace me, I could experience heaven on Earth every day on campus and beyond.

Quotations from "I Surrender" by Hillsong

Crunch

Gravel beneath tired feet

I follow tire tracks made in red dirt clay

Crunch

My strides continue

As if my boots know the way home

Crunch

The final step

A worn sole

Creaking floorboards of a bulb-lit porch ease my footing

As fireflies reenact the stars above

The door opens

I don’t know who I am

But I know exactly who He is

His fiery eyes pierce deeper than the nails in His hands

Unworthy of entering His house I turn to leave

He stops me with His embrace

He shows me to His fireplace

He gives me rest

The house is warm and comfortable

The bed is made and the floors are swept

Supper sits warm on the stove

He’s been waiting for me

CONTRIBUTORS

Luke Baber

Matt Burst

Destiny Dennis

Caitlin Evans

Jade Hermosillo

Sarah Hinkel

Sheila Hodges

Rebecca Kim

Jehuda Kusuma

Madeeha Mirza

Lily Nyce

Made possible through the donations of the Faith Fund. Find us on our website, pennepistle.org, or on Instagram @pennepistle