In the club 023 august15 by The Perfect Pop Co-op

Issue 023 AUGUST 2015

Welcome

t o ‘ I N T H E C L U b ’ , t he O F F I C I A L T U E S D A Y C L U B I N T E R A C T I V E M A G a z ine - B R O U G H T TO Y O U I N C O N J U N C T I O N w i t h T H E P E R F E C T P O P C O - O P and o ur friends

Thanks for your message... J-Rod is away this month and will respond to you on his return. In the meantime, why not read the magazine you’re currently reading? It’s jampacked full of goodness and Vitamin C* and may or may not send your kids hyper. Just scroll, click, copy, paste, tweet your disgust, all that sort of thing... and we’ll be right there waiting for you in September with a tan, having ignored it all. Thanks for reading (in advance) J-Hols

M A G (NIFICENT)

...

7 (ish)6 +1 - AUGUST EDITION) Wha t The Tuesday C lu b are s t ic k ing in t heir eardrums !

Andreas Vanderbraindrain: Afghan Whigs - Something Hot youtu.be/ffHhrfDyisY The Minx: Ian Dury and the Blockheads - Reasons to be Cheerful Part 3 #morecowbell youtube.com/watch?v=CIMNXogXnvE Wasabi Penis: Drenge - Nothing youtu.be/bX0M53198Ao J-Rod: Billy Fury - Once Upon A Dream youtube.com/watch?v=VxYoOie2t2k The Beautiful Wolf: Ödland - Après avoir décroché les étoiles https://youtu.be/RCJ7-3XSAGo Rogerio Marauder: Gary Numan - Tracks (live) youtube.com/watch?v=qy2Ig5fMImY

Thanks to: Design @8ecreative, Tiggy Pop. Editor: Reggie Mental. Photography: Neil Stephenson, Jord, AVBD, The Eye, Sarah Martin, Dylan Schwarz, Peter Males, Jonas De Keukelaere, Anna Wakeling Words: Denise Parsons, The Minx, Faye Don’tlikeitupum, Stuart Pidboy, Don Tellumpike, Don T. Panic, Sister Dolly, AVBD, Beautiful Wolf, J-Rodz, Grae J Wall, Roger The Ranter.

Contents Cover star:

The Tuesday Club

Magnificent 6+1

(Club) Foot tappers

2-3

What’s going on in our musical world

AVBD, J-Rod and The Beautiful Wolf trawl their record collections.

Who’s In the Club

5-6

Scant Regard - Lone Ranger..

7-8

Da Minx’s - Upping the Agony...

Lou - Red Guitars

Review of the new album

The Chanteuse goes on her hols!

50 Shades of Grae

10-11

Paul Eccentric

12-13

Chapter and verse from St.Albans’ cunningest linguists and friends Our newest columnist

The Parson’s Knows

Denise, gives us all the news from Trestle Arts base, St.Albans and it’s environs.

The Tuesday Club Pop up shop! Stuff to spend your filthy lucre on!

14-16

facebook.com/thisisthetuesdayclub @thetuesdayclub1 AVBD - @Vnderbraindrain The Minx - @TCTheMinx R. Marauder - @YTDS Dave Worm - @Roddamiser J-Rod - @JRod_TC www.youtube.com/thisisthetuesdayclub thisisthetuesdayclub.co.uk info@thisisthetuesdayclub.co.uk pinterest.com/thetuesdayclub thetuesdayclub.tmstor.es

) 3 ( P E d n a New Tour e h t n i g n i news com . .. e u s s i r e b Septem . .. e m i t n a e in the m r e m m u s y p p a h Have a ! y d o b y r e v e y a d holi

B U L C Foot tappers

‘COS the Platters still matter.. .

Dear Club fans - welcome to AVBD and The Beautiful Wolf’s monthly round up of the new, the old, the signed, the unsigned and the inspirational from our very own musical old curiosity shop, This is where we pick and podcast 10(ish) tracks that turn us on... with a little help from J-Rod! Here’s a selection of this month’s featured tracks, but you’ll have to listen to find out more :-)

This month’s featured track from The Tuesday Club is Cities Alive (from our current EP) which you can pre-order right here: thetcshop.com I could be Happy - Altered Images - this

is the 12” mix from the bands second album Pinky Blue. Altered Images were an underrated (in our humble opinion) early 80s Scottish new wave/post-punk band. Led by lead singer Clare Grogan. A big favourite of John Peel and whose first album was produced by the legendary Steve Severin of Siouxsie and the Banshees. Altered Images also produced (again in our opinion) the best Happy Birthday song ever… called, er Happy Birthday!

youtu.be/AnwcGjxiPXY

JobSeeker - Sleaford Mods

The stand out track from Nottingham’s fabulousy caustic Sleafords 2nd album Chubbed Up, which amounted to a

‘greatest hits’ from the bands early output. An anthem for the disaffected and brilliantly observed insight into the soul sapping world of the artist formerly know as the DSS, originally released in 2007. The ‘Mods’ are just about to embark on their first ‘proper’ UK tour having trawled the toilet circuit endlessly since their conception in 2007, they’ve also recently been seen ‘out Keefing’ Keith of the Prodigy in IBEFA. A heart pumping kick up the arse to the complacent.

youtu.be/Udp6fZ9vWCI Requiem - Killing Joke

Coming from the amazing self titled 1980 album. This was one of AVBD’s first and most cherished Punk 7”ers - bought from School era pocket money. Recently reformed and now rightly commanding legendary status among people of a certain (our) age. Here is a fantastic recording of the band at Rockpalast Open Air

Festival,Loreley,Germany in 1985.

youtu.be/gd3c21DdSvI Soul Train - Swans way

Featuring the star of our July ‘In the Club’ Maggie K Demonde. Swans way formed in Birmingham in 1982 and were basically pre Scarlet Fanstastic, Scarlet Fanstastic, being that they also featured Maggie’s Partner Rick P Jones on double bass, with the addition of vocalist Rick Shaw, they, releasing one Album The Fugitive Kind. This track first caught the attention of us back in 1983 on a video on The Tube and has stuck with us ever since, still standing up today to our ‘back in the day attuned lug ‘oles as a fab piece of glamourous early 80s jazz pop.

youtu.be/P1bUyLs6OJc

We hope you enjoy this months podcast; don’t forget you can subscribe to them and listen again on our mixcloud.com/ thisisTheTuesdayClub

In the club

with Louise Duffy-Howard

Co c i tr ec El er l i ha ud Lo , rs ta ui G d Re

of 80s indie legends Red Guitars. Joining us in “In The Club” this month is Louise Duffy-Howard r Electric Co helped us launch Louise is still very active musically, and her band The Loudhaile the “Forbidden Kiss” EP at a fantastic gig a few weeks ago. Ladies and Gentlemen, Louise Duffy-Howard...

1) OK firstly, we’re sitting in The Cyber (the pub on the internet) doing this... and it’s our round. What’ll it be?

Please can I have a cup of tea?

2) What was the last thing you heard/watched that was so good you just had to tell someone about it?

The amazing maestro of the viola da gamba, Catalonian musician and musical archaeologist, Jordi Savall. He has made over 230 albums, some wonderful collaborations and music for world peace projects. We all love his music in our family, and have been lucky enough to see him play a number of times.

hands it’s in.

5) Is the Internet help or a hindrance to... - New Bands - Established acts

The Internet is brilliant and has had a huge impact on our access to information, networking, and all things creative. You can hear and see so much fantastic music at the touch of a button, you can find out about just about anything, and there are lots of platforms you can use to create a showcase for your work. 6) If you could be any character in any film, what film... and who would it be?

I re imagine myself as various characters when I write songs. Rich & I 3) There used to be badges and compilation are writing a cow punk set right now albums proclaiming ‘Punk’s Not Dead’...but what do you think its current mortal state is? and this week I have been absorbed in the wild west, so maybe William Punk is alive and kicking here in Blake (Johnny Depp) in Jim Jarmusch’s Hull. I’ve just been running song and brilliant psychedelic western, Dead lyric writing workshops alongside Hip Hop emcee and songwriter Redeye Feenix Man. We’ve got a set of literary and film inspired songs too, so I have at The Warren Young People’s Centre been Lucia Atherton (Charlotte Rampling) where punk is happening for sure. There in The Nightporter and Jane Henderson are some fantastic young punk bands (Nastassja Kinski) in Paris Texas. playing, recording and gigging round here. I’ve been historical characters too, a 4) How good is technology? version of Valentine de Saint-Bris in As good…or bad… as the person whose Meyerbeer’s opera Les Huguenot and the

woman in Millais’ pre-Raphaelite painting of the same name for our album The Auricula Suite. Last month I was Joan of Arc. We have a science fiction set too, and I love being Borg dudess Seven of Nine Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01, and of course, the first Federation captain to successfully traverse the Delta Quadrant, the unstoppable Captain Kathryn Janeway.

the Balkans, to experience the original music that I love to listen to. 11) Who are your top 2 rock Stars of all time 1) man 1) woman

Iggy Pop and Debbie Harry 12) Where’s the best place to find your current musical endeavours on the Internet and what are you up to right now?

Rich & I are Rich & Lou’s Loudhailer, we write and play acoustically and 7) What was the last thing that made you also have a full psychedelic band, laugh? The Loudhailer Electric Co. We host I always have a good laugh with monthly Loudhailer Acoustic Musicians’ my daughter and three sons when we Nights and have various music projects are all together. My daughter has an on the go most notably The Auricula especially good sense of humour and Suite, My Ancestors were French and our laughs a lot too. newest venture, in the lead up to Hull, 8) You are now In The Club (The Tuesday Club, City of Culture 2017 – HullSongs. Start that is)... but what club do you actually wish it on our website here http://loudhailer. was? net/ and click around to find out more. Thank you that’s an honour. The Loudhailer Electric Co. are friends of Loudhailer: loudhailer.net/ the fabulous Tuesday Club, and what a top night we all had at Hull Adelphi HullSongs: http://hullsongs.net/ last month. That night was certainly a club of showmen and women - vivid 13) What question haven’t we asked you that you wish we had? colourful characters, musicians and performers who have a great time on Are you sure you don’t want a glass of stage…as well as spirited and unusual red? dancing in the audience. 9) Who’d be in your fantasy rock’n’ roll band. Guitar, Bass, Drums, Vocals, keys...

Prince lead guitar, Joan Jett rhythm guitar, Fernando Saunders bass, Mo Tucker drums, Grace Slick vocals, Nick Cave keys and vocals, lyrics Lou Reed, composer Neil Young. 10) If you had a time machine and could go back to any year in music, when would it be and why?

I’d go back to the music of 15th century Spain, North Africa, Armenia and

Thanks Louise, fab to have you In The Club and we really hope to be on another bill with you again soon!

The Lone Ranger is the third Scant Regard Album. The Mastermind of one Will Crewdson, who it feels in a musical sense invented the phrase: ‘In more bands than I’ve had hot dinners’... if you get my drift? I first encountered the ‘Scants’ when they were a duo, Will Crewdson on futuristic guitar and Adam and The Ants (Dirk era) legend Dave Barbe on drums. Will is a man in demand for sure, not only has he recently released an album with She Made Me Do it featuring girlfriend and ex Rachel Stamp compadre Shaheena Dax, (see our feature in the March edition of the mag for more info), he has also been performing with a stripped back version of Sigue, Sigue Sputnik the aforementioned Adam and The Ants and while Adam Ant hopefully prepares to re-envision Kings of the Wild Frontier, Mr C is currently in the thrall of 2-Tone gods The Selector, with who’s introduction I am finally brought round to the review. Luncheon Vouchers - If you are in possession of the first two Scant albums you’ll be instantly in your comfort zone as classic Lone Ranger/Link Wray doffed riffage meets Subwoofer busting bass beat, but unlike many of their previous output this track also features vocals and heavy duty ones too as the afore hinted Gaps Hendrickson’s amazing golden syrup drawl envelopes Pauline Black’s fabulously Juxtaposed and timeless mantra.

Iron eyes Cody - Is a sublime cocktail of Spaghetti laced with Acid, simple as that! California - Sees Will back on the dance tip again but this time it’s the Go! Team heading for the beach with Hank Marvin and the Double Deckers! This for me is Scant’s most catchy chorus to date, Perfect Pop. Bad Apple - Is New Order and the New Avengers. Honest guv, I’m not trying to think up as many obscure couplings as I can I promise, it’s a mix of fledgling reviewers syndrome and gut reaction, it’s a game of opinions Brian after all and Scant Regard do evocative, very well. 20,000 leagues - Has none of the charm of California, but instead, stuffs three billiard balls in a sock and hits you straight between the eyes like a right hook from Grace Jones! Take a breath for the James Bond middle 8 and then duck for cover, ‘cos Scaramangers coming! In the Lurch - Now I’ve been in the lurch myself before but not with Nile Rodgers or is it Earl Slick or am I getting confused with Freeze?... No, no and I sound like it’s a contradiction here, but Hank Marvin’s just shown up at the door and wants a piece!

Something for the weekend - I’m guessing Whitby, I’m guessing the graveyard at midnight Next up it’s Bitchstorm and we’re transported to under the shadow of downtown Manhattan, with New York’s Studio 54 the church spire, but vying for centre stage via a 30s speakeasy chorus line, I didn’t expect that but wait there he is again, the masked stranger lurking Starship captained in the shadows booming a baritone. by Lee Van Cleef and Peter Cushing. You’re welcome starts in contrast with an über minimal mix of C3P0 and Trioesque 80s Casio drum All on in it’s as off machine, before being crushed under a Wylie Coyote the wall as I have style anvil of a riff. To me it’s some kind of Westworld come to hope for, no meets the American Express reception girl from the expect, so take an 80s TV Advert. 8/10 and get yourself back into the studio for round 4 please Mr.C! Benediction Friction - has early Prodigy tinges, enhancing its cool Staccato groove. It’s my fave drop Now you’ve read about it folks, buy it here! down on the album, into ominous wall of gutter squall.

http://scantregard.bandcamp.com

DAMinx Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not always easy to know who you are talking to at Tuesday Club gig. Looking for the cowbell

The Minx Agony Column Is time for holiday of Minx, but in mean time here are special postcards from previous holidays of Minx with friends Danil, Boris and Vladimov, Ludmilla and Vasilly, Grandparents of Russian Minions and some other people unknown that Minx had removed from beach when Minx want to sunbathe.

Moroccan Salad with Tiger Prawns

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Moroccan Salad with Salmon

S02E SALADS

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Moroccan Salad Plain

Y N

S03 SALADS

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The Deliverance Cobb

S04A SALADS

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Courgetti & Goat's Cheese Salad Chicken

S04B SALADS

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Courgetti & Goat's Cheese Salmon

S04C SALADS

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Courgetti & Goat's Cheese Salad Plain

S05A SALADS

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Orzo Pasta Salad Prosciutto

S05B SALADS

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Orzo Pasta Salad Chicken

S05C SALADS

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Orzo Pasta Salad Chicken & Prosciutto

S05D SALADS

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Orzo Pasta Salad Plain

S06 SALADS

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Lebanese Chicken with Kale & Quinoa

Y* = Not present in the product but handled on site

S07 SALADS

SIDE

Rocket & Parmesan Salad

S08 SALADS

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Side Salad

Y* = Not present in the product but handled on site

S09 SALADS

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Crunchy Coleslaw

S10 SALADS

SIDE

Garlic Bread

W01 WORLD CLASSICS

STARTER

Mini Fishcakes

W02 WORLD CLASSICS

STARTER

Butternut Fritters

W03 WORLD CLASSICS

STARTER

Arancini Di Riso

*The allergen is not present in the dish, but one or more of the ingredients were handled in an environment with the allergen . The allergen breakdown is based on our dish recipes. However, we cook over 1500 dishes in our kitchens, so can't guarantee th at any of our dishes are free from cross contamination. The healthy dish detail was created using Nutricalc software based on the dishes recipe to give a typical calo rie breakdown.

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MAIN

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sulphur dioxide

S02C SALADS

S02D SALADS

sesame

mustard

milk

celery

Moroccan Salad with Chicken

nuts

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soya

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fish

Moroccan Salad with Butternut Fritters

Dish Type

peanuts

mollusc s

Vietnamese Prawn Salad

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eggs

crustace ans

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Cuisine

Cereals containi ng gluten

S01 SALADS

S02A SALADS

Menu Code

N N

Y* = Not present in the product but handled on site

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shades...

By Grae J. Wall of The Trailer Trash Orchestra, Los Chicos Muertos and webmeister at The Poetry Underground facebook.com/ groups/231169533733340 build a wall, electrify the wire, baton down the Unman The Barricades! hatches and bolt the doors, slam fast the shutters. Send in the army, call in the police, hound, contain, starve A few days ago I was at the Bayeux Tapestry museum and demonise until they blow away in the breeze. with my son and daughter enjoying what is essentially one of the first graphic novels. It has everything – Do we really care more about ensuring the swift flow violence, betrayal, gods, monsters, nudity and jokes! of consumer goods laden lorries than the sad plight As I was looking at the scenes of the Norman long of these fellow human beings. There can’t be good boats (they were essentially Vikings/Norsemen who karma in maintaining this “I’m alright jack” approach, had invaded that region) I couldn’t help but be struck blindfolds of ignorance and exhortations that it’s by the sad irony that Calais and Kent had been brought simply not our problem. to almost a standstill by a new army hoping to cross the channel – an army of desperate, dispossessed Of course people rarely listen to the poets and aliens, migrants and refugees. This though was not an troubadours. They’re too busy clicking their fingers attacking or invading force but a multinational alliance or nodding sagely. fleeing from their own homes and from fear, violence, war and persecution. How can it be that the world didn’t shape up when Marvin sang: Imagine how bad the situation would have to be – what level of fear – for you to abandon your home and “The world is just a great big onion your homeland and flee these shores with nothing And pain and fear are the spices that make you cry but the clothes on you back. Imagine how desperate Oh, baby you would have to be to attempt escape clinging to and the only way to get rid of this great big onion the undercarriage of an aeroplane or the roof of a Is to plant love seeds until it dies uh-huh” speeding train. What terror would drive you to part with anything to get a place on a packed boat, ill We need not to be manning the barricades but to be equipped for sea travel, with no food or water then to finding ways of dismantling them. One world, one flag, be set adrift in the ocean? What hardships would you one love. We are all after all of this planet and part of need to have faced to place your child in the back of a this living gift of land, sea, plants and creatures – all lorry bound for foreign shores and simply hope that sprung from a single seed (whatever you believe that someone over there will care. to be). Some days I’m not sure which it is that’s getting broke beyond repair, the planet, or humanity itself. These desperate humans are again and again described in similar terms to an invading army – ruthless, cunning, greedy – watch out, they’re coming for your jobs, your children, your very way of life! The world has become a planet of gated communities and broken suburbs –

So two poems this month recently posted to The Poetry Underground. The first is by Richard Earls and offers a slice of optimism in a crazy mixed up world. The second is from Ian Smith – a nice contemplation entitled I Am Tree – enjoy! Until next time, Je Suis Charlie Baudelaire!

Our Worlds Collide (Living in this World Today) Mosques and medinas Hotdogs and burgers Tacos and tofu Mainstreets and malls Crescents and crosses Tablets of stone Bulldozers, Bullets Suicide bombs (our worlds collide) Boys and girls come out to play Boys and girls of every age The boys and girls will save the day As our worlds collide Boys and girls can see Boys and girls aren’t blind I’m like you and you’re like me Tho’ our worlds collide Oases and Deserts Hummers and Soldiers Fish and falafel Whisky and soda Crescents and crosses Tablets of stone Bulldozers, Bullets Suicide bombs (Our worlds collide) Boys and girls come out to play Living in this world today So much to do, so much to say While our words collide Boys and girls can’t wait We’ve wasted too much time In with Love and out with Hate As our worlds collide You and I can see You and I aren’t blind I’ll love you and you’ll love me As our worlds collide

Richard Earls

The Poetry Underground

I am A Tree I am tre e the com

m holds m unity of earth e and em upright b and wh races me ole I sta my bark nd ,t of the w he fingerprint in and my d that enfolds me ey turning es to are gree the light n seeing e verythi ng as my b ranches the sun revea ls reach o to embr ut ace the world a I am tre round m e e and all of life is here

Ian Sm

ith

Introducing

Paul Eccentric

‘HIS TWO BEST MEN’ It was going to be a close run thing, but Neil thought he could probably just about make it if he took the stairs three at a time. There were a ridiculous amount of them for a bungalow, he thought; far more than there had been yesterday when; if memory served, this had been a house. So to save time when he got there he unzipped his fly and delved into his Y fronts, finally reaching the bathroom door with his bulging tap in hand; all ready to let rip just as soon as he could get the lids up. But for some reason there seemed to be four of them; no wait, five and the final one was stuck fast...no, there it was! With inordinate relief he released the flood gates and let loose the torrent within. Ahhh...such sweet, sweet~ ‘Urr, y’dirty little bastard!’ came the voice of an elderly lady, drifting across from somewhere nearby. He awoke with a start, realised his mistake and attempted to halt his raging flow, but without success. ‘You oughta’ be ashamed a’ y’self!’ the old lady said, thrashing him over the head with her walking stick. He was wearing nothing but a pink leopard print g-string and was hand cuffed securely to the balustrade by his left wrist. He was drenched in his own stinking ‘first waz of the morning’. There was no ‘ought’ about it. Neil was thoroughly ashamed of himself. He accepted a few more insults and tried to laugh along with the few passersby who had found his mortally embarrassing predicament hysterically funny until finally the police had arrived. ‘Had he been drinking?’ they’d asked, in that condescending manner that they like to employ when intimidating people who are older than themselves. ‘Yes,’ he’d replied, ‘obviously,’ but reassured them that he had no intention of operating heavy machinery nor driving a motor vehicle in the immediate future. ‘Was this a prank gone wrong?’ They’d enquired. ‘No. It’d been his stag night and no, he didn’t know what his so called ‘friends’ had done with his clothes. Nor his shoes; his wallet, his keys or his phone.’ ‘Yes, officer,’ he’d conceded, ‘perhaps in hindsight it would

have been prudent to have chosen a more reliable best man. He’d know for next time, wouldn’t he; thank you.’ He was going to kill Trevor when he got hold of him. It was the best man’s job to ensure that whatever state he got himself in on the night before the wedding, HE would see him safely to the church the next day. There’d been something he’d had to do as well; something important. He’d been trying to sort it out when they’d arrived; stuck that bag over his head and thrown him into the boot of Trevor’s car. What was it, now; it was on the edge of his mind... It had taken a further forty five minutes for the fire brigade to arrive to cut him free, by which time it’d been pushing ten o’clock. The wedding was at three. In London. He was in Brighton, apparently; though he had no recall of the past twenty four hours. Whatever he had ingested during the previous evening had wiped parts of his memory. Neil had spent a further hour and a quarter in police custody before being released with a caution and some filthy old clothes from the lost property box. They had grudgingly allowed him to call himself a taxi. It wasn’t until he’d arrived home, paid said taxi and had broken into his own flat; ripping a long gash in his forearm on the broken glass in the process, that he realised that he’d been sporting an inverse Mohican: a bald strip roughly two inches wide from fringe to nape and that he no longer had any eyebrows. At least they’d stopped short of a facial tattoo! He only had a further two hours before he needed to be in place at the head of the aisle, facing the vicar and waiting for Wendy to appear from behind. There wasn’t time for a visit to casualty, nor to a barber; although it was quite clear to Neil, even in his alcohol and panic addled state, that some stitching was indeed required, quite urgently to his arm. He had a roll of gaffer tape in the shed so he improvised, using most of it to stem the bleeding, then got to work with a black marker pen filling in the gap in his hair and redrawing his eyebrows. Wendy was going to kill him! She’d been planning this bloody wedding for two whole years! It had been all she’d spoken about for longer than he could remember. He wondered what she’d find to fill her time once it was all over? Punishing him, most likely, if he didn’t get himself cleaned up and in position in time. He hadn’t had much of a say in proceedings; which hadn’t really bothered him at the time, truth be known, but then he hadn’t been all that fussed about getting married in the first place.

It’d been Wendy’s idea. Wendy’s and her mother’s, obviously. He’d just gone along with it in order to keep her happy; it was a well worn strategy. He loved her and all; well, as far as he knew he did, anyway. How could you know these things for certain? She was slim; had a nice face and a pert little arse. She could cook; they got on quite well; she was good in the sack; yeah, he supposed he did, then; what was not to love? He didn’t like the thought of her not being around, so yes: it MUST be love, he decided, but the marriage bit? Tad extreme, no? He wasn’t that bothered. What difference would it make that they shared a name? Wendy had made all the decisions. Well, it was her day after all was said’n done, wasn’t it? She’d given him three things to do, that’d been it: buy the suit; yep, done that and he was almost in it too. Pick up the rings, check. They were... Yep, in his waistcoat pocket! Phew, that was close. And... there’d been a third thing he’d had to do too. Now what had it been? He’d been busy sorting it when the boys had arrived for the do, but nope, it still wouldn’t show itself. It couldn’t have been that important, then, he’d decided. Checking the rings one last time as he combed his hair over his newly bald strip, he tried again to recall his other job, but his mental search pattern was interrupted again by a knock at the door. Trevor; his best man. Best mate: best man. They’d been mates since juniors. Neil opened the door and punched him once in the face, knocking the squat little bank teller to the floor and spattering specks of blood all over the white and silver flecked waistcoat that Wendy had chosen for him. ‘You’re fired.’ Neil said, slamming the door and leaving Trevor to sob and bleed on the step. 2.25. He opened the front door again. Trevor was still sitting there rocking and crying. ‘You’ve broken by doze.’ he whimpered. In his hand he was cradling Neil’s missing mobile; his house keys and his wallet. Neil snatched them up in silence, plucked the carnation from his ex-mate’s button hole and slammed the door on him for a second time. He switched on his phone and speed-dialled ‘Taxi’. ‘Ow d’it go, man?’ asked Ranjit, cheerfully from the other end of the line. Ranjit and he were acquaintances rather than friends. Ever since he’d lost his licence, Ranjit had been his unofficial chauffeur. Neil liked him. He was down to earth. He listened and was reliable; unlike his mates. ‘Badly.’ Neil confessed, ‘Listen, Rangit; I need a favour. I need to borrow you for the afternoon. Trevor’s broken his nose and I need a replacement best man. With a car. And a suit?’ ‘No worries, man, innit; ‘ow d’e do dat, den?’ ‘He’s a cunt.’ Ranjit chuckled. ‘Ha! I could’a told YOU dat! When d’you want me?’ ‘Now.’ Neil stepped over Trevor to get to Ranjit’s minicab, relayed the church’s address and passed him the wilting button hole. By 2.45 they were in their places in front of the alter. ‘You got d’rings, man?’ Ranjit asked. Neil had been steadily calming his breathing. He’d made it, against the odds and in the nick of time too. He was letting himself relax and trying to clear his mind. He’d felt himself beginning to break a sweat, which would have been bad news for his felt tipped hairline. ‘Hmm? Oh, SHIT!’ and his calm was gone, ‘SHIT!’ Yes, he had the rings; of course he had the bloody rings, but shiiiiit! He’d just remembered what the other thing was that he’d needed to do. ‘What, man?’ the concerned substituted best man asked.

‘SHIT!’ said Neil again, fumbling in his waist coat pocket for his watch. ‘I forgot to book the hall! For the reception! We haven’t got a reception! Wendy booked the caterers, but I was booking the room! I remembered yesterday! I was DOING it until Trevor...’ He pulled out his phone which he had set to silent as they’d pulled up outside the church. Sure enough there were five missed calls from the caterers. ‘Vicar, vicar!’ he shout-whispered. As the vicar looked over the bride made her entrance, if the organist’s cue was anything to go by. Neil was sweating now. The marker pen was running down his forehead. The wound in his arm was bleeding again. Profusely. ‘Second thoughts?’ the vicar enquired. ‘No! Is the church hall still free this afternoon? You said it was, Yesterday. I phoned you. I was supposed to have paid the deposit six months ago, but I forgot. I was bringing it yester-’ ‘It was,’ the vicar replied, ‘but you didn’t show, so I’m afraid I had to let it go. We have a children’s party in there from four.’ ‘Bollocks! Bollocks!’ He’d been so close. ‘Ranjit-’ ‘I’m on it, bud’; stay cool. I know people.’ Ranjit snapped open his phone and turned slightly away from the groom. ‘Sir, can I ask you to~’ the vicar interrupted, but Ranjit shushed him and continued with his whispered conversation. Sweating, bleeding and now also hyperventilating, Neil risked a peek back over his shoulder. ‘Jesus Christ.’ he cursed involuntarily, at the sight of Wendy dolled up like some kind of novelty lampshade being guided down the aisle by her father. The vicar ‘ahemmed’ and Neil felt a wave of nausea sweep through him as suddenly the organist stopped playing. Neil’s vision in white and her stumpy little father were beside him, beaming. The last thing he remembers before he blacked out was Ranjit snapping his phone shut and saying: ‘Sorted, bro’.’ When he eventually came to, Neil found himself In a hospital bed in a private room with his own police bodyguard. Presumably, he reasoned, to stop Wendy from murdering him for screwing up her day. He quickly learned that this wasn’t the case, though. He was actually in police custody. Again. They’d arrested him whilst he’d been unconscious; on a drip in the back of an ambulance. They wanted to speak to him in connection with a complaint that they’d received of an unprovoked attack on a Mister Trevor Wilks. And then there was the little matter of the arson. ‘Arson?’ he’d asked, completely thrown. Had Trevor burnt his house down? Had he, in his haste left the iron on? No. Apparently, somebody had started a fire in the church hall. They’d been caught on camera arriving and departing in a minicab. The fire had got out of hand and engulfed the church. ‘According to the vicar,’ the sergeant told him, flipping over another page in his note book, ‘you had been having second thoughts about the wedding. Your best man was an employee of the same minicab firm; a firm that you use frequently. Could he not,’ they suggested, in that patronising tone that they reserved for patronising suspects who were older than themselves, ‘just not have turned up? Or, let’s see...phoned the bride and called it off?’ ‘He’d know for next time,’ Neil said, ‘if there ever was a next time.’

The

s n o s r a P Knows

By Denise Parsons – Music Promoter – ‘The Live Music Project’ Trestle Arts Base, St.Albans

THIS MONTH’S TOP BANDS, ARTISTS and EVENTS! Hello August! I am currently holed up in Father Ted’s caravan in wet and windy Norfolk! No internet, very little phone signal & lots of good books – ‘bliss’! So I am going to keep this short & sweet until normal service is resumed next month. Festival favourites The Antipoet after trawling their wares around the festival circuit to huge applause are now off to do Edinburgh Fringe so we wish them the best of luck with that!

facebook.com/ groups/63257036856/?fref=ts if you’re lucky enough to be heading to Bonnie Scotland then please check them out! Polkabilly Circus have now officially released their debut EP featuring Paul Eccentric & various members of other band like Caution Horses & I am eagerly awaiting my copy as I missed the launch. This will be my CD of the month once I

Local musicians yet again give up their time & talent to busk all day for this local charity. The impressive line up includes: facebook.com/Polkabillycircus?fref=ts Dodo Bones, Faeries, Lauren Merrifield, Starseedz, Li-Li, Steve Dagleish, Julian Happy to say these guys will be performing Mount, Billy Brown, Nick Stephenson, for The Live Music Project Acoustic Café Tom Craven, Minnie Birch, Jim Kirby very soon! and more TBC!! Please come along & and support this fantastic The Live Music Project returns this month enjoy the music details of the event: after our summer break on Saturday 22nd charity! Here’s August with another brilliant line up for facebook.com/events/694246004054583/ our monthly showcase night. For full details have a look here: thecrescent.org.uk/

return to the airwaves on 13th August. Check it out here!

trestle.org.uk/whats-on/the-live-music-projectsat-22-aug/

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened up for us” – Alexander Graham Bell.

My holiday listening has been dominated by this album – Monogamy by The 150 Friends Club. This album is very highly recommended by The Parsons Knows!

So that’s all folks. Enjoy you’re summer wherever it takes you! Thank you & goodnight. xx

facebook.com/the150friendsclub?fref=ts I can’t wait to see them live.. Other news – Busking Day in aid of The Crescent Saturday 15th August – The Clock Tower – St Albans.

soundcloud.com/denise-parsons-1 facebook.com/theparsonsknows?ref=hl twitter.com/RVparsonsknows

Trestle Arts Base, Russet Drive, St.Albans, AL4 OJQ, t: 01727 850950 e: production@trestle.org.uk, www.trestle.org.uk @trestletheatre

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