10 minute read
HOPE AMONG FEARS
By: Leonidas Woo
“War Room ” is one of my favourite Christian movies of all time. It encourages Christians to find a personal and quiet space where we can build an intimate connection and devotion with God. They call this space the ‘War Room ’ because it’ s a place where we fight the fiercest warfare in human history, our spiritual warfare, and our weapons are none other than prayer, worship, and the Words of God
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On 22nd May 2020, after a long while of not doing so, I was singing praise to God in my war room and prayed that He would make an enormous change in my life like how he did to one of my friends. God changed him from a superstitious Buddhist to a devoted Christian. I longed for a similar change that God had brought to my friend.
How The Journey Began
The feeling of the weight of the burden on my chest had been waking me up from my sleep every morning. I would wake up, have breakfast, and have a time of devotion with God in the morning. After each morning devotion, I would be filled with hope that God would make that day different from the others, a day where I would start journeying with unexplainable joy and peace in my heart, conquering the fear and anxiety I have had for a long time. Then I would repeat some motivational quotes that I could think of in my mind that were usually from the Bible, words of my counsellor, my close friends, or sometimes from a scene of a movie. “I’ m fearfully and wonderfully made by God” , I always thought in my mind. If there were to be some situations that I foresaw would provoke my anxiety, I would picture how I conquered anxiety by doing a certain action or saying something inspirational with great confidence. This was a way I have been practising to prepare myself before the anxiety-provoking situation. In the end, however, the situation always turned out to be just an imagination that did not happen in reality. I would be attacked with anxiety and panic all over again and hope that I could escape and hide in my house so that others would not see my panicky side. Then again, I would wake up with the feeling of heaviness and start my day with a refreshed hope for a different day. Sometimes I would feel so exhausted as if I was stuck in an infinite black hole and everything just repeats over and over again.
This is how I have been living ever since March 2019, upon returning from my internship in Penang. It all began when I started hearing negative voices in my head, telling me things such as how worthless or useless I am. At first, I just ignored them as I thought it's common for people to have these doubtful thoughts occasionally. However, the voices became very convincing when everything in my life seemed to fall apart, from the ministries for God that I participated in or led, to my job and relationships. I tried very hard to fight them off initially, but they became unavoidable. From then I started waking up in the morning with the weight of anxiety and fear compressing my chest and, as anticipated, it grew heavier. Just when I thought the situation couldn ’t get any worse, there was this feeling that the anxiety and fear were consuming my confidence, my faith in God and my sense of purpose in life. Eventually, I felt that I was stuck and lost in fear and anxiety.
Suddenly, The World Becomes Too Big to Live
What had happened to me? They were just small voices in the beginning, and now they seem to be too real to deny against and are infecting every part of my life. I’ ve lost my passion in many aspects of my life, my servings in church, social activities with friends, hobbies and everything I have lost my passion for life Anxiety has incapacitated me to work think or function normally. I would often choose to avoid any anxiety-provoking situation although most of them were the duty and responsibility that I needed to carry out. I ran away from my responsibilities, my calling, the people who care about me, and most of all, God. I hid at home, reckoning that the world was too big for me to live.
Even until now, I still do not know what was the cause of the anxiety or the voices in my mind. People say that finding the root cause of a problem would help solve the problem, so I began the journey to search for the truth and cure. I sought and consulted a professional counsellor for the answer. She guided me back to my memory which may be the root cause for my anxiety, and accordingly gave me some counsels to help me get back on my feet, such as identifying my anxiety and fears, challenging the negative voices with my experience, and practise on deep breathings to reduce my anxiety. Other than the counselling, I attended some courses relating to mental health such as the ‘Emotional Deliverance Course’ where the pastor shared that our negative emotions, anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are the results of unresolved wounds in, not flesh, but our soul.
No promise of a life free of pain, but He will always stay by our side
At this point, you must be wondering whether I have been freed from my anxiety after completing the counselling and the courses. The answer, which may disappoint some of you is no In fact I think I’ m still far from being cured. There are still days when I feel that the world is about to collapse. I’ m still finding difficulty in accepting the cruel ‘truth that often there is never a one solution to a mental illness like mine, at least to most of us. Disappointment has hit me many times, and I would get angry at God, complaining so many times when in fact I have so much to be grateful and appreciate about.
“What message can I actually deliver to the people here?” , I often asked myself. What testimony do I bring to others when I often feel defeated, or at the edge of giving up? To be honest, because of this struggle I have delayed completing this article for months. Sometimes, I also hesitate as I know that by submitting this article would mean bringing my “ greatest weakness ” to light. But, there is always a voice inside me, another voice, telling me that this is the right thing to do.
So now you know, this is not a story of how I got healed completely. I’ m far from being fully recovered, to be honest. This is, however, the story of how I tried to avoid God countlessly, acting like an ungrateful and rebellious child, complained and complained to God repeatedly and frustratedly, and God, despite having listened to every single one of them, still chose to embrace me. When I feel the world is too big for me to face it, God tells me He has overcome the world; when I’ m about to believe the lie of how unworthy I am, God tells me I'm so much more than how I see myself; when I try to escape by having my mind occupied with entertainment or sins, God disciplines me; when I start to feel despair after many unanswered prayers and cries, God whispered in my ear, “Don ’t be afraid, just believe".
We Suffer So That We Can Help Those Who Suffer the Same
God never places somebody in a situation without any reason, and He often allowed us to go through hardship in order to help those who undergo the same. What I have realised during this period is that, behind the smiley face, there may be a person who is suffering severe depression and even has had several suicidal attempts. It was really shocking when some friends of mine shared that they have either experienced mental illness or are still undergoing the same. All of them have something in common, they need help and care, but they didn’t know who they can approach. Sometimes, I blame myself for not being able to notice that and stay by their side soon enough.
Mental illness has long become a real issue in society and it’s very good at hiding in plain sight. I urge you all, brothers and sisters, to realise the severity of this issue and start taking action by practising neighbourly love towards one another. Learn to be more caring and a listener, do more than saying “hi” or “how are you” when you meet a friend, for you never know how much pain and suffering is hidden behind a smiley face.
To anyone who is suffering anxiety as I do, or other mental health problems, you are not alone, and God loves you and me very much, even till the end of the earth. You are never alone in this problem, and you don't need to be. We may come out, start the conversation about our problems with a cup of coffee, or find someone you trust enough to share your problem. Seeking for help is the very first step to recovery. And trust me when I say this, you will be healed completely one day, for the scripture says:
Stay Attached to God, The Only Deliverer
God is faithful, and His promise to us will be fulfilled. I have always reminded myself to seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, for He will provide all the things I need. Do the same too, brothers and sisters. Find a personal “war room” for yourself, and start praying, praising and reading the words of God. Don’t forget to confess and repent from your sins, no matter how light or severe it is, for the demon will find every chance to enter your heart every time you leave a foothold on the door. Also, continue to have fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ. Come and talk to me if you want to know more of the channels on getting help on this problem. Grab hold of the hope in Christ Jesus, for though the time is yet to arrive, you will be delivered.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).
About the Author
Name: Leonidas Woo Jun Yang
- Currently pursuing a Counselling Course: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Practitioner Certificate
- One of the Creators for @Overcomingfears _ IG Profile, a Mental Health Support Community
- Permai Snapshot Issue 41 (May'2021 Issue) -
