SHAUN WHITE

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s golf ball and his SUV?

He can drive his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree. On the subject of professional golfers having extramarital affairs, it appears as though 18 holes just aren’t enough. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after his third ho. Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you’re in prison. How does a redneck tenderize meat?

He puts his vehicle in reverse. The owner of a small farm was being investigated for allegedly not paying his workers proper wages.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the interviewing agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farmhand, who has been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week and pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the halfwit,” said the agent.

The farmer replied, “That would be me.” What is the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

Hooters’ new review process for prospective waitresses: Each applicant is handed a bra and told, “Here, fill this out.” If size really doesn’t matter, then why don’t they sell three-inch dildos? I was home last night by a quarter of 12,” the husband said to his irate wife.

“You’re a liar!” she cried. “I heard you come in when the clock struck three.”

The husband shrugged and said, “Isn’t three a quarter of 12?” A guy asked his new college roommate, “Can I have 20 bucks for a blow job?”

“I don’t know,” the roommate answered. “Are you any good?” Why do bagpipers walk as they play?

To get away from the sound. An attractive young woman and her grandmother walked into a general practitioner’s office. “We’ve come for an examination,” the young woman said to the doctor.

“All right,” the doctor said. “Go behind the curtain and disrobe.”

“No, my grandmother is the one who is sick,” said the girl.

“Very well,” the doctor said. “Madam, stick out your tongue.” What did the sadist do to the masochist?

Nothing. One day a man came home from work, saw his wife bending down to clean under the sofa and started making love to her from behind. After he finished, he gave her a hard smack on the ass.

“What was that for?” his wife demanded.

The husband replied, “That’s for not checking to see who it was.” Why does Illinois have the best-run, cleanest prisons in the U.S.?

Because Illinois politicians are afraid they may end up in one of them. Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or by e-mail through our website at jokes.playboy.com. PLAYBOY will pay $100 to the contributors whose submissions are selected.

“Well, you didn’t seem to mind when Marge Simpson did it!”