To Whom it May Concern (fiction) . . . . . . . . . . . . Noel Straight

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN T

he key to my workplace doesn ’t jingle. It’ s a plastic card that deactivates an alarm and unlocks the elevator that lifts me up to the 17th floor. My employers are

I write to inquire about my future, whether it be your company, overseas marriage, convent, or international adoption. I’ m proud to inform you that in the past few years I have learned a great deal about the human condition, my condition in particular. For example, I no longer believe half of what I am told during interviews, and I restrain from performing tribal dances at faculty diversity trainings. I’ m aware that bosses need to like you (but that there is a line). In short, my interpersonal skills have brought me where I am today.

progressive, globally minded, but our faucet sink has been leaking for five months. Drip drip drop day and night without stop. I feel it like Chinese

I am eager to and capable of fulfilling the requirements of your position. I work well with people of different cultural backgrounds and enjoy culturally diverse settings. As I write this letter, I am listening to Italian Opera and snacking on Japanese wasabi peas. In addition to my cultural awareness, I am also a gifted listener. At my first job, I was affectionately nicknamed “Eagle Ears ” by my direct supervisor.

torture. I hear it in my sleep on the tin of my forehead; ting, ting, ting. I think an indentation is forming or maybe even a

In addition to my acute listening skills, I also have gained the art of decision-making and decisiveness. When I set my mind to something, there are few obstacles strong enough to stand in my way. At my second job, when I caught my boss in a lie, I started a file on him, collecting the email trail of lies until I was able to take my case to the board of trustees. Sadly, due to the fact that he had both friends and enemies on the board, this cost us both our jobs. Nonetheless, in my book it is a mark of success. I stuck to my guns through thick and thin and dethroned a liar. I mean why lie to everyone saying that your “ employees are [your] most valuable asset?” I mean if we were so valuable why did he hardly ever greet us by name? Or care to know our Zodiac sign or at least our Myers-Briggs personality type? (I’ m a Sagittarius and an INFJ, FYI.) Maybe he had trouble understanding the meaning of valuable. Or maybe the problem was word choice. Either way, he was clearly incompetent.

Cat by Patrick Sibilia © 2014