Planning, patience, and perseverance

BY KARLI HANSEN, COLORADO GAMMA

In starting our journey to parenthood, my fiancée Erika and I had to first accept some hard truths; our genetics together cannot produce a child. We can’t create a life that is a combination of the two of us, and that’s the reality we’re in. Rather than look at this as a negative, we’ve instead asked ourselves, “What can we control? What can we take ownership of in making our own family?” Our journey to starting a family is unique to us, but the same is true for everyone. This is more complicated than what many others face, but we also know we aren’t alone. So, how did we get here? How did we get to our child, Krosby Pep?

Our story began with an Instagram giveaway. A couple we follow online had used a cryobank and was running a promotion for access to this facility’s resources as well as two vials of donor sperm which the winner would choose (as with any other donor process). Amazingly, we won the giveaway and were able to begin the process of selecting a donor sample. The next decision we had to make was who would carry a possible pregnancy. For us, we said whoever had the better probability of conceiving would be the one to do it. Through testing, we determined I had a higher likelihood, and it was most important that we used our best chance to conceive.

We got pregnant for the first time in August 2020, and I experienced a missed miscarriage in October. We hadn’t shared widely that we were trying to conceive, but we shared fairly early on that we were expecting because we wanted to celebrate the growth of our family. Because we’d shared the news of the pregnancy, it allowed us to have a network of support and I’m so grateful we did. As we’d been trying to conceive, we’d only let a few close friends and family members know. After our loss, I started having more conversations about how I was feeling and what we were going through, which was a blessing but also had its downsides.

So often when we talk about fertility, infertility and pregnancy, people can be well-intentioned while not fully understanding the things they’re saying if they haven’t experienced it firsthand. Erika and I got so many lovely responses and messages of support when we shared the news of the miscarriage, but in the mix were also some hurtful misconceptions that only serve as a setback when you’re already facing the emotional upheaval of loss.

... people can be well-intentioned while not fully understanding the things they’re saying...

My own trauma, rage, anger, shame and guilt was another challenge I hadn’t even considered; both about the loss and the feelings I had after the fact. All these emotions were piling up and compounding the underlying pain, and I needed a way to process and find a pathway forward. I was able to find a miscarriage support group through a birth and bereavement doula. Joining a group of people who had a similar experience and knew that pain of loss was a gamechanger; it was my way to healing.

I’ve learned that being honest and vulnerable with those you love and the people in your life can pay off and benefit everyone involved; it did for us. It also gave me the opportunity to return that support to others. I was connected by a mutual friend to a woman who also experienced a loss, and she had her rainbow baby shortly before we did. We have become each other's biggest supporters, and I never would have found this connection if I hadn’t been vulnerable enough to share my experience.

I’ve learned that the journey to parenthood is one of planning, patience and perseverance. Exactly a year after getting pregnant the first time, we conceived again. Our babies would both have the same due date one year apart. Today, Erika and I are now on the other side after Krosby Pep arrived on Mother's Day. As we look ahead, we know we want to grow our family further in any way we can, whether it be fostering, adopting or conceiving again. We’re comfortable with letting the universe find us and play its role in building our family. For now, we’re new parents, full of love for our rainbow baby. We’re also hoping that our story can help others feel less alone, more informed and open to possibilities as they take their own steps toward their family journeys.

Karli (front) and her partner, Erika.