Senator Joshua Horseface Missouruh Committees: Sedition and Insurrection Agriculture and Animal Husbandry Bullying, Lying, and Shit-baggery
Antifa Scumbags c/o Kenny Miller The bridge Kenny lives under St. Louis, MO 63121
Washington D.C. 20510 January 29, 2021
Dear Antifa Scumbags: My family and I will not be intimated by the woke mob. Your impersonation of Real American Patriots and Very Fine People on January 6, 2021, is loathsome, cowardly, and Sad! I swore an oath to represent the hillfolk of Missouruh, and when those inbred yokels worry about the validity of an election after I tell them it was invalid, I have a constitutional duty to represent them and object to vote certification. This is not a “radical” interference in the affairs of other states. I assure you that if my voters did not have so many DWIs and warrants for domestic abuse and unpaid child support, they would be driving to Pennsylvania to investigate themselves. I did not pull myself up from bootstraps to attend Rockhurst Jesuit High School, Stanford University, and Yale Law School, without the privilege of the systemic reverse racism you call “affirmative action,” just to back down at this crucial moment in our nation’s history. Also, stop saying that Simon and Schuster made a free-market decision about the financial health of their private sector corporation, rather than an Orwellian infringement on my Constitutional right to free speech by the government. Socialism means what I say it means. And you know what, just f*** you Hallmark, especially your television subsidiary. I should have known that all those movies with women protagonists were a Soviet plot for forced equality. I was temporarily blinded by their need for a strong man to achieve happiness, a dad for their bastard children, or a way to save Christmas. But I know better now. To those of you who believe that the events of January 6th have crippled my 2024 presidential ambitions, I say Neigh! To those of you who believe that Simon and Schuster and Senator John Danforth have publicly embarrassed me, I say Neigh! To those of you who believe that Hallmark, Commerce Bank, Ameren, Edward Jones, Bryan Cave Leighton Paisner, and all of my other cowardly, runaway donors will curb my political ambitions, I say Neigh! To those of you believe me guilty of fostering insurrection, I say Neigh! And to those of you who say that my father was a horse and that this makes me ineligible to serve in the Senate, I say Neigh! Neigh! Neigh! (whinny whinny whinny). These horserism conspiracies have no place in civil society. I reject calls to show my birth certificate – or branding. Sincerely,
Senator Josh Horseface Missouruh
Culver’s Custard with Claire is my fantastic, extremely biased, and sometimes shitty take on every Flavor of the Day the Culver’s chain of restaurants has to offer America (in alphabetical order). This time we’re on flavors 18 and 19.
This is it, guys. This is the flavor of all flavors. The motherfucker of all fatherfuckers. The mythical, legendary, Chocolate Oreo Volcano. If you see this badass at a Culver’s, you are required to go in and get some. It’s got it all: Oreos, M&M’s, chocolate pieces, fudge, the works. I cannot sing enough high praises about this absofuckinglute joy right here. Nowhere else do you get so many flavors, so many crunches, so much volcanic explosion of utter ecstasy. Tie for my absolute FAVORITE flavor, this is a staple of Culver’s restaurants. I cannot properly articulate how fantastical this is, and I could honestly write a whole ass essay on why you should drive 69-420 miles just to experience this pure delight. Only one thing comes close to comparing to Chocolate Oreo Volcano, and it sure as hell isn’t THIS. Honestly, I’ve never seen this fucking thing. Who wants coconut and almond in their ice cream? Not me. This isn’t even worth my damn time to talk about. Since this is so incredibly inferior, I’ve instead dedicated the majority of this issue to the Love of My Life, COV.
PHT Online! TRENDING NOW
WEATHER
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HOROSCOPE
BS
You have been reading Brain Stew!
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