Dan Gerth, cat butthole and other horrid things enthusiast
Billy Joel needs to be hunted down, put down, deported to the rings of Saturn, taken out with a Mafia hit (preferably Russian Mafia), and many other violent, unpleasant things for making me listen to this absolute horse hockey. I’d rather listen to an Ed lecture on the philosophy of the ethics of eating bull testicles. And I’m a vegan.
Abby Wall, PLHC record holder for most times being canceled for something or other TRUMP GETS IMPEACHED TWICE, POLAR BEARS GOT NO ICE, FYRE FEST, BLACK PARADE, MICHAEL PHELPS, Y2K, BORIS JOHNSON, BREXIT, KANYE WEST AND TAYLOR SWIFT, STRANGER THINGS, TIGER KIND, EVER GIVEN SUEZ, WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE, IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING SINCE THE WORLD’S BEEN TURNING, WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE, NO WE DIDN’T LIGHT IT BUT WE’RE TRYING TO FIGHT IT!!!! GOD I LOVE FALL OUT BOY. THEY CAN TURN ANYTHING INTO A WUSSY WHOPPER!!! I’D LISTEN TO THEM COVER A PIE RECI- Wait, you mean the Billy Joel version? I don’t know or care. I’m not an irrelevant, middle aged, honky ass white man.
A very important part of the 20th century. It’s also very helpful, since as THE resident and ONLY historian in the Honors College, I can use it as a teaching aide in my backup lesson plans for when my students cannot read. Unfortunately, that appears to be every year, so I’ve started making every two lines cover an entire class period. Makes CT last an entire semester, thank God. Only three mentions of the motherland, Germany. Scam.
If we didn’t start the fire, how is it always burnin’? since the world’s been turnin’?
Christoph Schiessl, moral center of the PLHC
CONTEST CONTEST CONTEST CONTEST THIS IS A REAL CONTEST! SUBMIT YOUR ANSWERS TO brainstew@umsl.edu
What news is Audri the vegan warrior so happy to receive?? Submit your answer to be featured in the next issue!?!!
Last week's bangers:
YOUR TEXT 1 YOUR TEXT 2
How to Win Blackjack
Learn how to win Blackjack like me, Zeni. I've been at the top of the world, because of this game and I'm gonna show you how to do the same thing.
1.First rule is to play with losers. You will never lose if you're surrounded by people who can't win. That's why I choose to play with dogs, like Rusty.
2. Lie. If there's one way to get your way it's to lie. That's why every morning I pretend like I haven't been fed yet each time someone wakes up, and that’s how I get double breakfast.
3. Throw up if you don't win. Nobody will expect it, and while everyone is trying to clean up the mess just take the money and run.
Celebrating UMSL’s 60th anniversary, the board has reallocated* funds for new campus banners!
The sleek designs of the banners feature very current UMSL students and motivating statements that truly show what being a triton is all about! SET
By :Clay Butler
THE STANDARD. BITE A CHILD. RAISE THE BAR. BITE
TWO.
RAISE YOUR VOICE AT CHILDREN.
These designs showcase the raw power of UMSL tritons! Finally, students can display their school spirit with pride. We are no longer tritons divided by majors or clubs but a united group with the help of these essential banners!
*Reallocated funds come from the closing of the Tiny Tritons program.
Dear BrainStew‘editors’,
First, I’d like to thank you for absolutely making orientation worth going to. “Nice bathrobe”? CLASSIC. I am writing on behalf of the people to ask one serious question: Is it true? That the Monday emails AREN’T thecriticallyacclaimedBrainStew?
Now, I realize this is some serious shit. Like, reputation altering shit. And don’t get me wrong: I’m a big fan of the Monday emails! The way each sentence tells me something new going on, the Pets of the Week, the last-minute announcements from Alex Entwistle, THE President of PLHCSA?? Oh man, it gets me all hot and bothered…
Absolute titillation aside, I am tickled at the idea that there is ANOTHER newsletter in the Honors College. I mean, don’t get me wrong, hearing about advising for upcoming semesters really gets people going. But there’s a place where I can read a PLHCSA ad AND a Bellerive ad BACK-TO-BACK? I can’t take it!
Where has this been all my life? And more importantly, can I still read those Monday emails? Are there any ways I can get BACKissuesof the Monday emails? You know, for uh, research… A good college student should stay INFORMED, after all! I mean, dear God, the contests in the fine print are the reasons I wake up ready to go in the morning!
I hope you can understand why it is so important that this claim is debunked. There’s no way that the Monday emails AREN’T BrainStew . I refuse to believe it! It’s too good to be true! BrainStewis a NEWSLETTER. Not whatever some bored college students slap together with a one page ad! The Monday emails are beautiful, award winning pieces of prose! Tell us the truth, BrainStew,or risk breaking my heart.
I’ll Love Mondays Forever, Your Secret Monday Admirer
Obsessive-compulsive Recessive, repulsive Intricate drawings
Of Stephen Hawking’s Rectal region
His anal sphincter
Made him a drinker
That big black hole
Ain’t theoretical
Stevie got fecal
And Hawking’s law just became legal Gravity is strong
But his constipation was lifelong
Ants Ants Ants Ants Ants Ants (a very formal complaint letter)
Atop skin and across linoleum
Crawl creatures ravenous For the red that runs through veins
Caressing closed eyelids
Weaving through heads of hair
They mean to nest within the flesh I call home
I cannot help but wonder, How long until It is my blood that will satiate?
For I know that in the fog of the morning And at the end of this march Lies only murder
Advisor breaks nine of student’s eleven fingers
Many would say that snapping the bones of an advisee is not terrorism. However, if you have any amount of pink pulp in your skull, you’ll realize this act is a threat to our entire nation. You may even fear for your own skeleton, and rightly so. The perpetrator remains untouched by the consequences of the law.
It is Dan Gerth who stands at the forefront of American history’s most tragic event since 2001. The victim is left crippled, hardly able to rise from tangled hospital sheets. Recovery is not foreseen. In his recent Honors 1100 classes, the attacker has not acknowledged the crime, leaving some furious and others questioning if he is guilty at all. But for the kindhearted, donations can be sent down one of the laundry chutes in Provincial House (please, no more than $0.01 per donor, and we also cannot accept pennies)
This edition of retro ProHo Times Finds is brought to you by:
The floor of Dan’s car!
You Have Been Reading Brain Stew!
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!
We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!
How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
How to stalk:
@umslbrainstew @UMSLBrainStew
