Brain Stew, 2023-24, Issue 4

Not a Real Person bc We Are Running Out of Understew PPL

Hmm that’s a good question. Probably once or twice a day, but I will say when I was getting [REDACTED] it was definitely at least once an hour. Sometimes when I am [REDACTED] I pretend

I’m Julius Caesar and [REDACTED] Nicomedes.

How often do you think of the Roman Empire?

I would be lying to say that it hasn’t crossed my mind a few times. As a great leader myself, I have to appreciate the work of a good civilizations. With that being said no one could ever out do the power and greatness of what I plan on coming into existence in the next 5 years. No one will see it coming, NO ONE!! You’ll all have no choice but to follow me, and believe me I will lead us, THE WORLD, into the most powerful civilizations there ever will be!!!!!!

But I will tell you what I do think about. Did you know that the animals we eat all are intelligent beings with complex feelings. Yes, and so I think instead of worrying about some old civilizations that doesn’t even exist anymore we need to think about what we can do to make the world a better place today. That starts with saving the animals. I hope to see a world one day where the moo moos will be getting their revenge. They will fight back and win. That day will be the day the world is perfect.

Kim Baldus

Audri Adams Never.

As most students are aware, 2023 marks UMSL's 60th anniversary. Compared to WASHU's founding year, 1853, you realize how much UMSL embodies a 36-year-old chain smoker whose stained teeth and crow's feet make them look 89. Regardless of UMSL's dire need for a facelift, let's examine the university's humble beginnings.

In 1957, members of the Normandy Missouri School district bought property as a possible location for an affordable two-year junior college to rival the more expensive, privately owned Saint Louis and Washington Universities. Showing that even from the start, people settled for UMSL because the better options were too expensive.

Originally founded in 1846, and relocated to UMSL in 1998, the Saint Louis Mercantile Library is the oldest existing library west of the Mississippi River. Which, honestly, isn’t saying much as manifest destiny and west ward expansion didn’t happen until 1860s. Although, that hasn’t stopped the university from using it as “evidence” for why UMSL is more culturally significant than WASHU.

Pictured: Bellerive Country Club. Later bought and turned into UMSL. Some say the ghost of rich white men still haunt these greens.

Pictured: No one. Not a single soul using the library. Truly demonstrating UMSL high academic standing.

Did you know UMSL had its own 9/11?

In 1973, a plane crashed just short of the Mark Twain building on UMSL’s campus, killing 36 of 41 passengers : ( The cause of the crash was reported as “inclement weather” but is still surrounded in mystery. Unfortunately, there was no damage to UMSL’s campus. Never forget what a missed opportunity this was.

UMSL alumni and CEO of Express Scripts broke ground in 2007 when Express Scripts became the first fortune 500 company to build their world HQ on a college campus (UMSL). Proving that on the off chance you become successful, UMSL will not hesitate to bleed you, and your company dry.

Pictured Express Script HQ circa 2007. Notice how the black and white filter really age the photograph.

Pictured: This guy standing around not doing his god damn job. Must’ve graduated from UMSL.

Today, we covered only a tiny portion of UMSL's rich and hopefully short-lived history. However, there is still much to learn. We encourage the UMSL student body to do their own research and possibly make their mark on UMSL's history!

Author’s note: If trying to make history at UMSL please be a decent human being. Sexually assaulting people is not history in the making, regardless of how many times Sig Tau tries to make it.

Specifically the students that can read

Pictured: First faculty gathering at UMSL in 1963

Clay Butler

TheOfficialNewsletteroftheMissouriHouseofRepresentatives

MRS DOUBTFIRE TO BE REMOVED FROM LIBRARIES!

Score: Patriots 1, Woke Pedos 0

October 3 – after intense lobbying from people who love America and want to protect its children, the St. Louis City and County library systems have announced that the pedo propaganda film, Mrs. Doubtfire, has been removed from Kanopy and Hoopla streaming; additionally, DVDs have been removed from the library branches.

“This is a key win in our fight against pedophilia grooming,” says Mrs. Ayres, concerned mother, who we invited to the House for a chat. “It’s practically a ‘how to’ for pedos. Dress in drag. Get close to children. I don’t understand how librarians can defend such smut.” story continued on page 69.

Baby Murdering Judge Jon Beteem Rules Against Hero Jay Ascroft!

September 28 – registered sex offender (we assume) Judge Jon Beteem issued a corrupt ruling in the case of Filthy Murderous Pedos v. Heroic Patriot Jay Ashcroft. The result is that Jay’s extremely nonbiased, scientifically accurate, and divinely inspired ballot summary language for the filthy abortion referendums that could be placed on the ballot next year (if the rapists gathering signatures are able to cheat and forge enough names to get it on the ballot) will be replaced with pro-abortion propaganda written by atheists.

Language to be stripped from the ballot summary includes

The following heathen baby murder bill hereto allows for

• Legal abortions performed up until the baby reaches the age of 17 years

• Carwashes being turned into drive thru abortion clinics, with procedures performed by gas station attendants, with dirty hands

• The loss of over $43 billion per year in revenue to the state of Missouri via the murder of future taxpayers, resulting in the budget cuts to schools, including children being forced to drink “malk,” a milk substitute made from leftover chalk and drinking fountain water, rather than milk with lunch

• A minimum of $400 billion per year annually in damages to farmland, after God punishes us with wildfires, cyclones, typhoons, tsunamis, and hail, requiring us to import filthy hippy water from California so as to not die of thirst

• An annual party where all of the pedos of the state wear pasties and assless chaps and perform black masses in your grandmother’s church

Thankfully, Hero Jay will appeal. Story continued on page 420.

This is one drag queen story time that parents no longer need to be concerned with at their local library!

Jefferson City to Become Sanctuary City for January 6 Insurrectionists!

If those hippies in San Francisco can do it for illegal aliens, we can do it for Patriots!

October 2 – The Mo Ho (Missouri House) approved a bill yesterday establishing Jefferson City as an official sanctuary city for all Patriots wishing to escape prosecution or sentencing for their role in the January 6 love fest. “We cannot allow the fascist Biden administration to attack our brothers and sisters who greeted Capitol Police with hugs and kisses,” says Rep. Mike Ooter.

The bill, fully supported by Attorney General Bailey, nullifies all federal prosecution for activity related to January 6. “We will not arrest you, nor will we cooperate with the federal storm troopers if they come for you,” says Bailey.

Truly today is a blessing for all Patriots. Story continued on page 666.

GET MY BALLS BACK

A gift from a noted black music enthusiast

Abby’s mood chart (because CLUCK horoscopes. Those are not making a comeback this year.)

“Um, this is not exactly how I remember this book being when I read it originally. Maybe I’m just forgetful, but it seems sorta off, somehow.” –Gloria Steinhem

Newly expanded by Dr. Josiah Ayres, MD and feminist

Our Bodies, Ourselves

by Dr. JosiahAyres, MD, DDS, Esquire, Jr., IV, feminist, OB-GYN

JosiahAyres

ISBN: 978-420-80085-666 (softcover)

ISBN: 978-69-80085-69-69-69 (hardcover)

University of Brain Stew Press

Van Down by the River

St. Louis, MO 63111

No animals were harmed in the making of this book. Well, a one-eyed snake took some abuse, but that hardly counts.

Chapter 1 – Your Butt Can’t Get Pregnant

Your butt can’t get pregnant.

“This book is also a lot shorter than I remember it.”

--Gloria Steinhem

Is Papa Roach's Jacoby Shaddix really Freddie Mercury?

Many would think that there is absolutely no way that Jacoby is even related to Freddie, but after going to a recent concert for Shinedown and Papa Roach was an opening act. During this act the lead singer, Jacoby, instructed fans to stop their feet and clap their hands...kind of like something queen did back in the day... He also referred to his "motha' A LOT....which is also something queen did in their famous Bohemian Rhapsody. Anyways, this raised a few of my eyebrows, so I decided to look into this anomaly.

1.) They both have Virgo energy. Now, I know that neither of them are Virgos, but when I listen to their music there is this somewhat organized earthy vibe

that I pick up so there must be some Virgo in their main three.

2. They both have exactly 38 eyelashes on their right eye. A coincidence? I think not... this is absolutely crazy considering the fact that most people have around 60 to 80 eyelashes on their right eye alone.

3. The most important fact is that both of them use liquid hand rather than bar soap. This blew my mind when I found this out. I've only known two other people in my life who do this( but neither of those two had any virgo in their charts)

So, with all this information, what do you think the truth is?

What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!

We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!

How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu

How to stalk: