Issue 5 OCT. 2023
If we get evicted from ProHo, who likely was behind the last straw of reasons this building sucks?
Dan Gerth, cat butthole and other horrid things enthusiast It really is a game of chance. It could be Audri, after she blows her Nancy Queen of Hearsts winnings on cocaine and a forklift she uses to terrorize ResLife students just trying to eat meat in peace in ProHo. It could be me, after I leave Cullen’s space heater on overnight to short him to death for being terrible at doing what I ask him to do. Anything is possible in this beautiful building! But probably Ed. He’s going to blow it to smithereens.
Kate Votaw, the fall guy for PLHCSA funded benders You know, I would say me, considering my office has a nice and decorative sewage waterfall right now, but I know it’s probably Dan. He doesn’t want this building to go away, but one day he’s gonna tell Abby to go wash the dishes on the worst possible day, and she will respond by hotwiring his car and driving it straight through the doors. Runner up to Ed. He’s going to blow it to smithereens.
Ed Munn Censor, Professional Brain Stew OPP Me. I’m so goddamned tired of this building. Not only is this stupid building always somehow my problem, but I can’t even go into my office without passing all the students who sent emails I don’t read! How is that fair? Anyways. The ‘last straw’ for this building is going to be when I blow it to smithereens.
*you gotta sign the petition or the FBI will come for your dog
*Last slide said: @zoberry_04 "Commissions are currently open for pencil, watercolor, marker, ink, pixel art, and digitally"
There are too many old white men working here; please fire three of them. An open letter to Dean Ed Munn Sanchez from Abby Wall Dear Ed, There are too many old white men working here. In fact, in a 12 person full-time staff, there are 11 old white men. This is too many, and I would like to petition you to please fire three of them. I am not so presumptuous as to suggest who those three should be, as I trust your judgement here. If you are skeptical about 11 old white men working here, please know that I am not talking whether-or-not someone has a pee pee or hoo hoo, or someone’s skin color. I am talking about culture and soul. As you know, I am a computer science major, and in my Design and Anal Algorithms class, I constructed an AI that analyses hundreds of unique personality factors and then scores a person on the boy-honky index, from 1-100, based on how honkified they are. I have named this AI the Honkinator 5000 (patent pending). For people who are not Dan Gerth, the word “honky,” entered the lexicon in 1967 as humorous slang to make fun of white people. I don’t know more than that, but Dan says it non-stop, and I like it. Also, Dan gets no royalties from The Honkinator 5000. Rumors that the Honkinator 4000 achieved sentience, took on the persona of an old white man, and joined the January 6th insurrection are false. I’m not saying it wasn’t at January 6, but I do not acknowledge the sentience of anyone at that shit show. The less said about the 1000-3000 models, the better. The Honkinator 5000 is perfect. Here is a visual representation of the boy-honky index.
Key: Mitch McConnell is 100% honkified. Michael Jackson is either 24, 39, or 77% honkified, depending on the year. Brother Malcom is 1%, but that’s only because it was difficult to make the Honkinator understand zeros. Jesus is either 22 or 98% honkified, depending on if you believe in the real Jesus or version from medieval Europe (aka The Land of the Honkies). Also, Lauren Boebert did drop 5% after getting thrown out of Beetlejuice for vaping weed. But then I found out it was a Juul, not weed. After re-inputting this information, her score moved back to its original space. Anyway, I’m not concerned about the honkification of historical figures, but it is interesting. What I’m talking about is the total lack of diversity in employment in the Honors College (and student workers do not count, Ed. Don’t try to play that card). As proof, I offer the following results from The Honkinator 500:
Okay, now I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, there’s still one more faculty member to mock classify. Where’s Kate? She seems super-duper honky.” First, I agree. She is so white that she’s married to a computer science major who does not even own a jacket or tie. However, every time I input Kate’s deets, the Honkinator came back with ERROR. After a lot of trial and error and correcting the algorithm, I realized that much like how the left-right (liberal to conservative) political spectrum also needs a top down line (from authoritarian to anarchist), the Honkinator also needs some additional age inputs. So, after some minor reprogramming, the Honkinator 5000b has released the following information on Kate Votaw:
So, there you have it. 11 old white dudes and one 11 year old girl work at the Honors College. I know diversity, equity, and inclusion are bad words in this state, but c’mon man. It’s not like we’re the Wentzville school board here. Anyway, I reiterate. There are too many old white men who work here. Please fire three of them. Sincerely, Abby Wall President of Black PLHCSA (no, that’s not a thing. Yet. But if you don’t fire three of these honkies, it’s gonna be.)
Deans Diatribe #27 “Return of Former Dean Bob’s Diatribe” When I was dean, paleontologically speaking, Brain Stew was trash. So we had little, almost nothing, in common. And, one time, on a Saturday morning, I had to remove a Brain Stew edition from all ground floor rooms. After all, we were entertaining potential applicants and their parents, and I thought the Stew’s content (it was a particularly poisonous brew) likely to discourage loved ones and their loved one from applying. Or even thinking about applying. But sometimes things do change. Not necessarily, I fear, for the better. Having now read your latest (last?) edition, I want to say that it has improved beyond measure. Given the chance today, or the POWER, I would remove BRAIN STEW from all three floors. With best wishes for your future resurrection, I remain Your favorite censor, --Robert M. Bliss Brain Stew Editors’ Diatribe Response #27 Josiah got shafted with writing this one on behalf of the whole crew, and I have to say I’m glad we’re acknowledging how potent our modernized Brain Stew has become. My favorite cover is the one where the editors got photoshopped into a cotton plantation for black history month last year- that shit would never fly in UMSL Admissions. Very tempted to toss a few copies on the tour room floor just to see what happens. I’d like you to know that we here at Brain Stew are projected to lower Honors College admission rates by at least 10% in the next fiscal year. Under wise leadership, we’ve cut our cocaine budget and fed money into our human trafficking ring. This has supplied us with enough slave labor to continue outputting issues until the dawn of the next century. Suffice to say, we’re not going anywhere. We’ll make sure to come by every two weeks and staple a new copy to your grave. --Josiah
The Perfect Body Shannon Villanova I’ve always wanted the perfect body. Growing up I saw it everywhere. Paper dolls, Barbie dolls, Be that perfect china doll. I’ve always dreamed about the perfect body. Gazing through all the magazines, Waist like an hourglass, hips just right, Ass perky, firm and tight. I’ve always fought for the perfect body. The back-and-forth struggle has been real. Yoyo dieting, binge-purge fighting, Starving, and shame before every meal.
I’ve always envied the perfect body. My jealousy is destructive like a hurricane. She’s skinnier than me, she’s prettier than me, Her body is just plain better than me. I’ve learned something about the perfect body. It takes growing older to truly see. My body is beautiful, my body is strong. My body has always taken care of me. I no longer yearn for the perfect body. I’ve had it all along. Soft and luscious, wish you could touch this, Thick, curvy, fluffy. I’m proud of this body.
Sleep deprivation
SPOOKY SEASON
Having to give a mid-term presentation
Lack of Motivation Pizza Hut Pizza from MSC
Poems About my Thoughts (1)Somedays I want something sweet It's like a treat, To me. I want a drink My friends all say grow up Soda is bad for you. It's not soda, It's Pop Since when did I ask about how many micros, macros, I need Please, someone tell me why people have become so entitled to think they can tell me my diet plan. I sincerely do not care. Leave me alone.
(2)Every time I read something from Brain Stew, Why this blue? Everyone choose this background, But to be honest it's usually a sound And nice submission. I thought I would give it a try, But for some reason I feel as though mine is going to be rather dry These poems have no collision Just my thoughts.
My red flags are I have none. You can trust me bbg <3 I have no outstanding flaws and you can trust me with a firearm. Don't look through my phone, daddy's private photos are on there. I give free weed out of my white van on tuesdays if you wanna hmu.
*insert grindr profile here holy shit those are hard to recreate. Be easier to go and actually make one
You Have Been Reading Brain Stew!
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College! We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards — stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020. Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster! How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu How to stalk:
@umslbrainstew
@UMSLBrainStew