500 sacks of wheat Or dinner with the king?
Daniel Serf
Archduchess Adams
Kim Baldur's Gate 3
Dinner with the king- are you crazy?? Not because I'll learn anything valuable from him, no way. I'd rather watch my seventh child die of polio before I listen to that hack. I want dinner with the king so he won't leave that room alive. Neither will I, but self sacrifice for the sake of assassination will always be badass.
Obviously 500 sacks of wheat!! Otherwise my peasants will go and kill another of my precious cows for food. Dirty peasants always getting into my stuff. "oh I'm hungry," "wahhh I didn't eat today" it's all I hear about. Well if you're so hungry, then why didn't God make you born of noble blood. Did you ever stop to think about that?
Who do you think I am to take handouts for free. I am my own self made empire wrought from blood and iron. Oh you think this is funny? Funny how? Funny like this is a joke? I amuse you? I'll take the king's head by the end of summer, and then we can have a nice dinner next to his burning corpse, where he graciously lent us the 500 sacks of wheat in his grainery.
This man, Brenden Snee, drank $762.47 in beer at Mizzou athletics events in fiscal year 2023
The University of Missouri-Columbia thanks Brenden Snee. Mr. Snee, we dedicate our Cotton Bowl victory to you. Sincerely, Mun Choi
Remember this guy, Brendan Snee?
The University of Missouri-Columbia says f**k you, Brenden Snee. Sneak your own damn beer into games. I don’t care. I don’t need your money. I don’t need anybody’s money. Now. Suck it, Snee. Bwa ha ha bwa ha ha bwa ha ha ha ha! I’m Mun Choi! Sincerely, Mun Choi
UMSL Edition
Duolingo now presents UMSL as a new language to learn. As you go through this new journey, you'll learn to speak like a real UMSL student!
Learn phrases such as.... Phrase We have a soccer team? Meaning UMSL sports are barely noteworthy, the only time you know we have a team is when one of the athletes act entitled and think they are hot when really no one even cares that they play on the UMSL soccer team.
Phrase Yeah, you're still gonna have to sign the waiver like all other students at the Rec. It's just the policy. Meaning
Just because you're on the soccer team doesn't mean that you get to use the rec without having to sign the waiver. It is literally not that deep and it is sooooo embarrassing that you tried to flex being on the soccer team as an excuse to not sign it. On top of that, it's just crazy how an 18year-old can be one of the worst Karens to ever use the Rec.
A Fish with a Wish
There once was a fish with luscious big red lips. He was a red-lipped batfish from the Galapagos, and went by the name Johnny. Johnny was just a regular fish. All he wanted to do with life is take over the family restaurant, and that’s it. One day, Johnny was working a shift at the restaurant, per usual, but this time something interesting happened after closing hours. As he was sweeping the floor a small crustacean ran across the floor taunting Johnny. Chasing the critter with intent to eat it, Johnny was at a halt when he saw the crustacean run into what seemed to be a bright green portal. Confused, he walked a little further towards the light when a pair of two rabbit hands reached out from the portal and pulled Johnny in. Going through what seemed to be a tunnel, Johnny’s life was flashing before his eyes, all he regretted was that he never got to run the restaurant. The tunnel felt like it went on forever, but he was truthfully only in it for 3 seconds. When he got to the end Johnny saw a bunny, a human, and a butterfly ready to greet him. Johnny asked, “Where am I?” the human, named Terry responded, “You are in New York City, 5 years into the future.” Still confused, Johnny asked another question, “but why?” The butterfly answers, “You’ll see soon.” As the group walks the streets of NYC Johnny notices all these advertisements for this “Lip Kit” that has pictures of big red lips that resemble his own. He continues walking till the group makes it to this makeshift blanket fort in the middle of a dark alley. The human begins to talk, “Okay Johnny, I’m sure you have a lot of questions, but to begin I’ll introduce you to the group. I’m Terry, the butterfly is Hank, and the bunny just goes by bunny. Now that you know our names I might as well tell you the issue at hand.” Johnny was listening, but still couldn’t stop
thinking about how much those ads looked like his lips. Terry continues, “Maybe you noticed all the advertisements with these ‘Kylie Jenner Lip Kits’ and seen how familiar they are” this seriously caught Johnny’s attention, “Well that’s because this Kylie Jenner becomes a regular at your future famous restaurant. Yes, you end up taking over the restaurant, but your first customer becomes your best friend and then begins to steal your look becoming a multimillionaire.” Johnny didn’t really see the issue in any of that, so he asked, “What’s the problem with that?” Terry, taken back, replies, “What’s the problem? What’s the problem! Well I’ll tell you my little fish friend by the way our calculations look, if she continues her empire the entire universe will be ruled by her within the next 3 years.” Johnny was torn. He did feel bad for these strangers that he had just met, but really what effect would this have on him. While everyone was asleep in the fort, he decided to take a walk along the streets of NYC. During his walk, he thought about how there should be another future Johnny that might be able to help him decide what to do, and who to help. He jumped in the Hudson, and started back to the Galapagos. Every sea creature he saw on his way resembled him, in which they all matched his perky big lips. It almost flattered him in a way, before this even happened he was being made fun of for the way he looked. This also hurt Johnny, because of the same reason. He finally makes it to the restaurant. It looks completely different. As he walks in he doesn’t see any customers, and at the front desk he sees what seems to be a person sitting in an office chair. The chair spins and it is none other than Kylie Jenner herself. In her hand she has the future Johnny tied up. Horrified, Johnny asks, “What’s going on here?” Jenner laughs maliciously then says, “Oh you stupid fish. You really thought we were besties for life...well you’re wrong I used you. You had what I wanted, so I made sure that those lips would become
mine. This is the end Johnny!” Two of what Johnny guessed to be Jenner’s bodyguards came up behind him, and started to tie him up. All he could think about now is that weird group he was with. Johnny begins to seriously believe his life is over. Then a bright green portal appears, and his friends pop out Terry, Hank, and Bunny. Terry yells, “Stop right there, Jenner!” Jenner replies, “Or what?” Johnny is scared that there is nothing Terry can do to stop this. Terry stepped up and said, “There’s nothing I can do, but Kylie, darling you don’t need to do this. What do you want out of this?” Smirking Jenner answers, “World domination!” she laughs maliciously yet again. Terry, bunny, and hank look over at Johnny and wink. They look at each other, and begin to laugh. The laughing scared Jenner so she asked, “What’s so funny?” This time Hank replied, “ Terry may not have anything that can stop you, but I do. See I have this little device” Hank pulls out what seems to be a remote, “With the touch of a button all the salt in the ocean will be injected into your lips. Drying them, you will go back to Kylie before plastic surgery.” This must have startled Jenner so much she stopped laughing, and began to contemplate whether world domination, or lips of a red-lipped batfish would be better. She decided to give in. As soon as she threw her hands up a group of intergalactic security members showed up. Putting Jenner in cuffs, she yells her last words before being put in jail forever, “I’ll be back, and I will rule the universe!” Johnny walks over to the group, and asks, “So, what’s gonna happen now?” Terry neals down to him and responds, “You’re gonna go home, become the best restaurant owner in the Galapagos, and stay clear of any world dominating crazed celebrities.” Johnny cries happy tears. He’ll never forget this journey. Johnny walks toward the portal, and smiles at the group. They wink back at him, and Johnny goes home.
The End
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MEMEs
You Have Been Reading Brain Stew!
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College! We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards — stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020. Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster! How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu How to stalk:
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