NOTE: We put the rest of Lesley’s Understew answer here. Or some of it. The rest was pages 28-36. But Ed is trying to keep the amount of printed paper down, so we just deleted it. If you are free on Tuesday from 8:30am through 7:14pm, just stop by her office and she’ll fill you in.
Some
thoughts on behalf of the people in the back in aftereffects of the 2024 Election
A lot of people are celebrating today - and a lot of people are not. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I know I am not celebrating. I am grieving. I am anxious. I am afraid. I made the mistake of staying up on election night and watching the numbers come in, and even though I called it early and resigned myself to my bed, it was still hard to wake up and see the news coverage that had come out in the early morning. It took me two hours to even attempt to get up and start my day. It took some challenging minutes to stare at my clothes and decide how to face the outside world. And it was even more challenging to figure out how to deal with the weight on my chest, the boulder in my belly, and the burning of tears that refused to come. I felt so alone. Half of my family does not vote - not understanding the impacts of it on the lives that seem so far away. The other half voted for what they believed in - which was different from mine. I suppose they had been respectful, as much as they could be, but their offhand comments of, “Well, you’ll see who was better when it happens,” or, “You will hope you voted for the other guy,” stung.
I do not want to debate with anyone about the rights or wrongs, whether there was cheating involved, etc. But I do want to bring your attention to the many people, those you may know or not, who are hurting and at a loss. One news reporter said many people went to bed with hope—dreaming of a possible future—and will now wake up to an impossible, disappointing reality. Let's take a moment for them. The reality has happened- the people have decided - the president has been chosen. But that is the only thing many of us know for sure. The uncertainty was what we were afraid of. The uncertainty is what is gnawing away at us. The uncertainty is what is burdening us.
Please take a moment to think of us, sympathize with us, and understand us. The same goes for us and others—we should promote respectful discussion. We need to go back to the kindergarten basics, with the golden rule of treating each other the way we want to be treated.
Let us instill and nurture an open forum that exercises our right to free speech, our freedom of ideas, and our core identity as human beings.
BOOM: Recipe to the Triple Chunk Chocolate Cookie
Do you want to rizz up your family for Christmas? Do you want to have a five big boom holiday treat? Do you want to BE the rizzler? These are the cookies for you! Make these triple chunk chocolate chip cookies and have the best holiday of your life!
Ingredients:
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
• 1 cup brown sugar, packed
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chunks
• 1 cup milk chocolate chunks
• 1 cup dark chocolate chunks
Instructions:
• Preheat your oven to 350°F (175°C) and line baking sheets with parchment paper. This will set the stage for baking perfect Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip Cookies!
• In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar, and granulated sugar until light and fluffy. Mixing well here is key for Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip Cookies that are soft and chewy.
• Add the eggs one at a time to the butter-sugar mixture, beating well after each addition. Then, add the vanilla extract and mix until combined.
• In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. This dry mixture is crucial for giving Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip Cookies their structure.
• Gradually add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients, mixing until just combined. Be careful not to overmix; we want Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip Cookies that are tender and not too dense.
• Fold in the chocolate chunks – semi-sweet, milk, and dark. Make sure every cookie will be packed with chocolate goodness, just like Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip Cookies should be!
• Scoop out dough using a cookie scoop or a tablespoon and place it on the prepared baking sheets, leaving a little room for spreading.
• Bake for 10-12 minutes, until the edges are golden brown and the centers still look slightly soft. This step gives Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip Cookies the perfect chewy texture.
• Cool on the baking sheets for a few minutes before transferring to a wire rack. This cooling time lets the Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip Cookies set up to perfection.
• Serve warm or store in an airtight container. Nothing says indulgence like a batch of freshly baked Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip Cookies! Enjoy every bite!
Journal of Clinical Anus Oncology
Official Journal of the American Society of Butt Cancer Doctors (and perverts)
It’s Not Something in the Water: Does Lack of Fluoridation Explain Excessive Butt Cancer Rates in Alabama?
Manatees: What Swimming Propulsion from Farting Can Teach Us About Treating Butt Cancer
Microscopic Mites and Where Does the Poop Go? A New Look at These Anus-less Insects that Live in Our Eyelashes and on Our Faces and Do Not Get Butt Cancer
The Gluteus Maximus Maximizer and Life with a Robot Butt after Cancer
Everybody Poops… Not? An Examination of Pediatric Butt Cancer and Cecostomy Tubes
Be the Match: How to Fight the Decline in Butt Donors
Plus our butt cancer of the month patient: Hannah Smid!!!
ANOTHER BRAIN STEW EDITOR FALLS VICTIM TO BUTT CANCER
We will miss you, Hannah!
Only a few short years after the death of Brain Stew editor Monica “My name is Holtmeyer, not Fartmeyer” Fartmeyer from butt cancer, Hannah Smid – already suffering from not only hearing loss but also many years in the Alabama public school system – has been diagnosed with butt cancer. Not colon cancer, butt cancer. There is a difference! Colon cancer is cancer of the colon. Butt cancer is cancer of the butt: cheeks, butthole, hair, and any bonus features that aren’t part of the standard butt package.
Dr. A.B. Wall, Hannah’s buttcologist, doesn’t predict much time for her: “Maybe a month or so. You can tell by what kinds of gross stuff comes off on your finger after you stick it in the infected butt.”
Is there a chance she can survive? “I doubt it,” says Dr. Wall. “As an Alabamian, most of her relatives, who would have matching butt tissue, have already lost too much of their butts to things like fireworks explosions and all of the times they ‘fell funny’ on top of things that don’t belong inside their butts – like confederate soldier statues.”
Stage 0 – Hannah and her doctor show of the clean thumbs that reveal the presence of no butt cancer
Stage 1 – Hannah’s butt becomes uncontrollably itchy as the cancer starts at the hole, flirts with the taint, increases hair growth, and begins the upward movement
Stage 3 – While Hannah’s butt has descended back to where it belongs, the excessive hair growth continues unabated and butt skin can barely contain the butt cancer trying to get out.
Stage 2 – Hannah’s butt begins migrating, a tell-tale sign of advanced butt cancer. Here we see it approximately 10-12 inches north of where the butt should be, if cancer free
Stage 4 – Hannah’s butt cancer has reached terminal stage. There is no going back from here.
What Type of Dining Set You Have Says About You
In My Opinion (but I'm right)
Antique Set Dining ware tells me that you are quicky and you call yourself quirky unironically. You just are more unique than everyone else.
The cheap plastic set from Walmart or Target tells me that you are the average college student. You just need a set to get you by and I respect it. Also, if you have the deep green or pink set you are the moment.
If you have a paper dining set, you're in a frat or you're just a guy honestly. It's the bare minimum and you don't have to wash it so I understand. Honestly, you don't even have to pay for it because you can just get to any fast-food place and ask for an extra plate or silverware.
What Type of Dining Set You Have Says About You
In My Opinion (but I'm right)
If you have a plain ceramic set you either just stole them from your parents just so you don't have to buy any, or you bought a set that you know will last you long and is just a staple.
If you just have Tupperware, then you probably don't cook anything. You probably just eat at the Nosh and get the Tupperware from when you go home, and your parents make you take leftovers for later.
You Have Been Reading Brain Stew!
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensorED* free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!
We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!
How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
