I Fat Lynn & Lynn Blouwildebeest

Fat Lynn & Lynn Blouwildebeest

Disco had the whole world dancing in the seventies, from New York to LA, Munich to Montevideo, Yokohama to Johannesburg and Paris to Pretoria. Club Athos in Schoeman Street, Pretoria provided the disco pulse in the capital city with tracks like I Need A Man by Grace Jones, Miss You by the Stones and Brown Girl in the Ring by Boney M. Andy Gibb and the Bee Gees had the patrons dancing in formation while Donna Summer’s version of Je T'aime (Moi Non Plus) and porn star Andrea True’s What’s Your Name, What’s Your Number? competed with local hits like Oom Jan by die Disco, the story of a country naïf who one night strayed from his hotel room into the surreal world of a gay disco.

Club Athos was frequented by legendary lessbears like Elvis, Jakes, Jungle, Prowler, Shane and my friend Bro who was an early sufferer from road rage. Driving with Bro through the streets of Pretoria exposed one to aggressive gestures and curses like “poes!” Most of them used Brylcream, and lots of them smoked Lexington and marijuana. Many had motorbikes, some wore safari suits and others preferred the uniform of blue denim trousers and white tops.

Besides the butchery of dykes, many beverleys of lipstick lesbians and a bitchery of queens transformed the club into a fairytale high on a Friday and Saturday night. Tall blonde Penny was the most imposing drag queen while the name of Ms Athos 1978 was Mary. She shared a flat across the street from ‘bunny park’ in Arcadia with her lesbian friend Poppie who worked for the far right political party, the HNP (Herstigte Nasionale Party). Athos was also quite popular among the art and drama students of Pretoria University, and plenty of national servicemen got their muscles admired there.

The whole municipal area of Pretoria was represented at Club Athos, from the blue collar suburbs of Hercules and Hekpoort through the middle class ‘Moot’ to upper class areas like Lynnwood, Queenswood and Faerie Glenn. Joburgers loved Athos too; loyal patrons included Sheree, Tracy and Vesta who were students at the University of Johannesburg. Their greatest thrill was hitch-hiking to Athos on a Saturday night.

Their red Beach Buggy made Fat Lynn and Lynn Blouwildebeest stand out among the machos. They were also somewhat confusingly called Fat (Blouwildebeest) and Fatterer because Fat Lynn was taller and fatter than the stocky, swarthy Blouwildebeest. Fat Lynn with her fair skin resembled the Oros Man. They had a similar ‘shaggy dog’ hairstyle and both wore sorely challenged hipster trousers that failed to contain the belly or the bum.

Socializing at the club brought the three students a stream of new acquaintances, like the Lynns. Extreme macho types tend to like their opposite, so the students appealed to the Lynns who went out of their way to woo them. One night the Lynns came over from Pretoria to pick them up at Johannesburg’s Melville Hotel – a safe distance from the UJ campus – for a ride in the Buggy to a fun-filled night at Club Athos.

Enthralled by the students, the Lynns phoned them often in the hope of further dates. Students often lack money but Sheree was lucky enough to have a source of income: selling the cattle her godparents had given her. Whenever there was a need, one of the beasts that lived on her grandparents’ farm near Klerksdorp was sold to balance the budget.

Sheree’s most reliable customer was the minister of her grandparents. So for R70 she sold him a cow which was simply transferred from her grandparents’ farm to the nearby land of the minister. It was only a matter of fetching the money. When Fat & Fatterer heard this, they eagerly offered transport to Klerksdorp. Since being seen in such company would have been unwise for the students, they met the Lynns on a remote part of campus, and they were off.

It was a windy ride and the Beach Buggie deposited them under the grapevine at the Reverend’s. They were treated to tea and scones by the hospitable Reverend and his wife who seemed unmoved by the sight of the Lynns. The delegation returned to Joburg with a view to go to Club Athos that night. At least the Lynns thought so. The three students did not.

Back at the dorm, Fat Lynn parked the Beach Buggie without attracting too much attention. Sheree gave them money for petrol and told them that she and her friends might not get permission to out after eight o’clock, and that in such a case, the Lynns had to go and make the most of Athos. A little while later, Tracy, Vesta and Sheree looked down with relief at the red Beach Buggie in the parking sixteen floors below.

Ominously, just then reception announced the arrival of vistors for them. Fat and Fatterer had had the nerve to wade into the dormitory, ask questions and name names, unwittingly tempting the rule that men were not allowed entry after 8pm. They spooked the first-year student at reception who abandoned her post to call a senior. The Lynns grabbed the gap, jumped in the elevator and pushed ‘16’ because when they entered reception, they noticed that the previous ride had stopped there.

On the 16th floor, Sheree wisely locked the door to her room. The dormitory floor had eight rooms with a lounge around the elevator in the middle. There was a small curtainless window above every door. Standing on a chair would allow someone of average height to look into the room. When they heard the elevator opening, Sheree crawled under the one bed and Vesta and Tracy under the other.

Then Fat Lynn and Blouwildebeest started probing every room on the floor... Blouwildebeest got onto Fat Lynn’s shoulders who lifted her up to the tiny window to peer into the room. The dorm was nearly empty on a Saturday night but a gasp and a shriek from the room next door confirmed Sheree’s fear, especially when she heard shuffling sounds outside.

The shriek was heard by a senior on the floor, who flung open her door to the sight of Blouwildebeest hoisted on Fat Lynn’s shoulders. She raised the alarm and after a while the head of the dormitory arrived, followed by security, while Sheree’s terrified neighbor was still letting out little staccato shrieks.

It’s not clear what happened next. The shouting and the rush of footsteps ceased in about ten minutes. Most likely Fat Lynn and Blouwildebeest fled down the fire escape with security in pursuit. They must have escaped in the famous Beach Buggy, for no more was heard of the incident.

Thus the Lynns passed into legend.