An Ode to My Flatmates

Written by Eliza Power

Contrary to everything I’ve believed since I was four years old, you absolutely do not feel like a grown up once you reach your twenties - nor do you want to be one. I know everyone says that, but it doesn’t really sink in until you’re sitting on the cold floor of your living room, cradling a hot water bottle because you can’t afford to put the heating on, chatting with your flatmates about how on earth any of you hold down ‘big girl’ jobs or study at some of the leading universities in the world whilst subsisting solely on peanut butter and bagels. My flat, as you can imagine, is very much filled with bagels. That is, alongside heavily misogynistic rap (that goes entirely against any of our beliefs), and crippling existential anxiety soothed only by podcasters who assure you you’re meant to feel lost in your twenties. It is also, however, filled with love, care, and immense nurture - aspects you don’t realise you need until you’re crying over Hinge dates gone wrong, the inevitable early-twenties fall out with your mother, or the 1-to-1 meeting with your boss that proved what an absolute misogynist he was. It’s these things people don’t tell you about what adulthood will look like. More so than any romantic relationship I’ve had, friendship - or “flatship” in this case - is what gets you through some of the most turbulent years of your life. (They also don’t tell you that the PhD student you move in with - upon your mum’s recommendation that you move in with someone studious because they’ll party less - will throw up on you three consecutive times in Ubers after nights out. Or that you won’t love them any less for it.)

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In our first month living together, said flatmate sobbed to us because his friend had had sex in his bedroom at our housewarming party the night before. Safe to say, that incident set the tone for our next 18 months together, and despite his protests whenever I bring it up, I’m immensely glad it did. Now every time one of us is on the verge of a breakdown, or in the midst of one, tea is made, hugs are offered, and unsolicited advice from our fellow relatively clueless twenty-somethings is appreciatively received. These people, who used to be strangers, will become some of your biggest supporters. And I don’t mean just celebrating the big wins, graduations, and birthdays together, they will be there to celebrate you even in the tiniest of moments - the moments you show personal growth, assert healthy boundaries, ditch the boy who’s been stringing you along for three months, or take up a new hobby to ‘heal your inner child.’ In all honesty, I never thought I’d be so happy to have people by my side when I, sleep-deprived and heartbroken, decide to start freezing batches of ginger shots or take up making sourdough.

“These people, who used to be strangers, will become some of your biggest supporters”

Perhaps the most rewarding thing that happens when you move in with strangers is that you learn how to argue. Or rather, how not to argue. Instead of brushing things under the carpet only for it to be dredged up eight months later at Christmas dinner, or breaking out in huge fights followed by the mutual slamming of doors, you’ll learn to sort things out with your flatmates. Maybe it’s the fear of conflict or maybe it’s bringing together people from different backgrounds that necessitates open communication, but living with other people involves a constant re-evaluation of boundaries. You can’t afford to fall out with the people you’ve chosen to live with (certainly not in this economy), so you’re forced to talk things out, or live in unbearable tension. Coming from a family where an argument would be swiftly swept under the rug, I’ve learnt more about conflict resolution from living with friends than I could from any self-help book on the shelves.

All this growth, however, goes hand-in-hand with the immeasurable uncertainty of your twenties. You often don’t know what you’re doing, if you’re doing it well, or indeed who you even are. And whilst at first it can seem unprecedentedly scary, the reality is that the uncertainty which characterises much of your twenties can lead to you developing some of the best friendships of your life. And as long as you have those there’s so much less to be scared of.