The Suitable Suitors

The Suitable SuitorsAn d a d ancing bear

FiCtion By ton y rothW ell

Ever since Sir R ichard ’s untimely death f rom a sudden stroke there had been an increasing number of enquir ies of L ady Fiona as to how she was bear ing up, did she need company, that sor t of thing. T hey were k indly of course but, tak ing stock of those mak ing the solicitations, it became clear that, while they had initially come f rom her relatives and lady f r iends, they were now beg inning to emanate f rom gentlemen — single gentlemen. Indeed, when her per iod of mour ning was over, it wasn’t long before the enquir ies became invitations. A nd Fiona, who had at first consoled herself solely in the company of her faithf ul dog, Jack, found herself ser iously consider ing the oppor t unities with which she was being presented.

Fiona was someone who loved life, but also someone who had not had what might be called a joy f ul mar r iage. It was tr ue R ichard had g iven her a title, a son (cur rently a soldier wag ing war against Napoleon in Europe), t wo well-found houses, one in the countr y, the other in the cit y, expensive jewelr y and the latest clothes, but little by way of af fection or even attention. He was always of f with his f r iends or seek ing influence among the ar istocracy, leaving her to her ow n devices. To him she had been little more than an or nament, brought out when the occasion required.

But Fiona was not one to sit at home and wait to be ‘required.’ More and more she found amusement in the soirées of the likes of Georg iana, Duchess of Devonshire, and other members of the smar t set in L ondon — a g roup of ar istocratic ladies who dressed in the height of fashion, wore the most exotic, bejeweled and befeathered wigs, and gambled and drank away their husband ’s for t unes in a life close to dissipation. In addition, she had taken a cicisbeo*, who accompanied her to par ties and other societ y events. Her choice had been a most willing, and amusing, rake — but she gave him up when R ichard died. W hat was she to do now?

She consulted an old f r iend and confidante who told her in no uncer tain ter ms, “You, my dear, are what a ll men seek — goodlook ing, humorous, well-preser ved and well- of f. Now that you have no ties, it’s high time you made a tour d’ hor izon, see what, or rather who, might be available. A nd you never k now, you may find a tr ue soulmate even yet.”

A nd so, over the next few months, Fiona had a remark ably f ull diar y, accepting many of the invitations that came her way. But event ually, and inevitably, her more persistent suitors, of whom there were five, star ted to press their case for a more per manent ar rangement, along with remark s desig ned to r un dow n their competition whenever the oppor t unit y arose. T his took all the enjoyment out of the sit uation for Fiona and she realized something had to be done.

One rare evening when she found herself at home with nothing in her diar y, she sat dow n with Jack on her lap to decide on a plan of action. A s was her custom, she talked to her dog as though he were a person — he was, af ter all, ver y intelligent — and star ted by descr ibing each of the suitors. Jack was all ears.

“First there’s Gilber t Blunt. A divorcee; rot und, gout y, but a man with something ver y definitely in his favour — he far ms half of Buck inghamshire! T he trouble is I always view divorcees as potentially fault y goods, but I have to say his g if ts are ver y generous.

“T hen there’s A ndrew Duncannon. He’s a bachelor and a bar r ister. Not sure why he has become one of my favour ites as he tends to be rather quiet, but he helped me g reatly with R ichard ’s af fairs when I needed it. A nd just when you least expect it, he utters a witticism or droll remark which never fails to make me g iggle. A nd his pronouncements of af fection seem ver y sincere.

“Next there’s Sir E dward Ponsonby. A retired Major. He is by far the most handsome of the five and I dare say we make a good-look ing couple when I am on his ar m, no doubt like many a lady before me. He is a bit of a braggard though, constantly regaling me with tales of his der r ing- do in battle. W hen he retired, he bought himself a seat in Parliament and is an up -and- comer in Pitt’s Tor y Par t y. He does well on his political connections and ser vice pension, or so he keeps telling me.

“Number four is Spencer Blanchard, a lonely widower if ever there was one. A man who has devoted himself to public ser vice and is cur rently an A lder man of the Cit y and widely thought to be a f ut ure L ord Mayor of L ondon. So, what do you think, Jack, how would you like your mistress to be L ady Mayoress of L ondon — rather g rand, don’t you think ?

“A nd lastly there’s Neville Carlisle, a bachelor and a fat one at that! He’s an Oxford don, highly intellect ual and obviously lives ver y well. He da zzles me with his understanding of just about ever y thing, but does he talk! He’s really not my t ype, but I find it ver y dif ficult to say no to him. It’s as though it would somehow reflect badly on my judg ment if I did so. Perhaps I fear what he would say of me, but he can be quite sweet when he’s not being br illiant. So, there they are, Jack — my five suitors.”

Jack looked at her, his head cocked to one side in a questioning sor t of way. “I suppose you want to k now my favour ite? Well, if I had to choose now, I would put Sir E dward in the first position and possibly A ndrew Duncannon the second, but it’s ver y dif ficult — they are all suitable in their ow n way.”

A s she looked dow n at Jack an idea began to take shape. Yes, that was it. She would ar range a tea par t y at home and invite them all, but in such a way that they would think that they were the only one being

invited. For good measure she decided on Apr il 1st as the date. She’d of ten had f un on Apr il Fool ’s Day, so why not? She didn’t k now what would happen, but she felt something would come of it, and if nothing else, it would be ver y amusing.

She had the invitations delivered the ver y next day.

Lady Fiona Holland invites you to take tea with her on April 1st. at four o’clock in the afternoon to discus matters of mutual interest. R.S.V.P.

T he invitations might as well have been firework s for the explosive ef fect they had on each of the recipients. Each knew that this was it. W hat else could there be to discuss but their betrothal? Five af fir mative replies flew back.

Gilber t Blunt star ted think ing about an expensive r ing, “diamonds and r ubies I think,” he mused. Major Ponsonby rehearsed a speech as though he were about to address Parliament, or was it his troops? A lder man Spencer Blanchard envisioned a g rand reception in Guildhall with the L ord Mayor in attendance, and Neville Carlisle star ted to get excited about the coming joys of the wedding night.

Only A ndrew Duncannon had doubts. It cer tainly sounded like there was a real chance for him, but af ter a few minutes of quiet reflection he had convinced himself that Fiona needed more advice on her late husband ’s af fairs. Yes, that was it, how silly of him to get ahead of himself like that.

O ver the next t wo week s, L ady Fiona t ur ned dow n all invitations and lef t the suitors to their ow n devices. Of course, they were out and about and when occasionally they saw each other they seemed to be over flowing with bonhomie as they put on their best “I k now something you don’t k now” smiles, or passed each other with a cheer y wave as much as to say, “You don’t k now it yet, dear boy, but you have lost the pr ize.” A ndrew Duncannon was ver y per plexed and was once on the point of ask ing Blunt why ever yone seemed so f r iendly all of a sudden, but he decided to keep his thoughts to himself. Perhaps Fiona could shed light on it on Apr il 1st.

T he day finally came around and the five suitors converged on L ady Fiona’s L ondon residence — three on foot, Carlisle and Blunt in car r iages, and all dressed in their ver y best tow n clothes and wigs impeccably powdered, except for Duncannon who was damned if he was going to pay the g uinea ta x imposed lately on powder**.

But what was this? One by one they saw their competitors making for Fiona’s residence. T hey tr ied to remember the wording of the invitation. Perhaps they had misunderstood. No, they couldn’t have — it was ver y plain. Had they been tr icked? No, Fiona wouldn’t do such a thing. Nothing for it but to go through with it. Meanwhile Duncannon was wonder ing about the complete and ver y sudden disappearance of the bonhomie so recently displayed. No one spoke a word. T hey just glowered at each other, feeling conf used, uncomfor table and ver y put out.

Carlisle was nearest the door and rang the bell. T he door was opened by the butler and there in the foyer stood L ady Fiona, dressed in the latest Par is fashion, a long flowing dress of saf f ron- colored silk with matching hat, complete with feather. She smiled broadly at each one as she invited them in. Carlisle, who was deter mined to be the first to k iss the hand of the hostess, advanced, but so did Blunt at exactly the same time. T he result was that the t wo of them got st uck in the door which only ser ved to emphasize their considerable g ir ths. A f ter a swallowed curse Blunt gave way. T he af ter noon was not getting of f to a good star t for Buck inghamshire or Oxford.

T he rest followed into the foyer and Fiona led the way into her most elegantly appointed dining room. A s a husband, R ichard had been rather dull, but he had money and he allowed Fiona to spend it. In f ront of them was a table covered in beautif ul china and platters of var ious tea-time foods, sur rounded by si x chairs. A painting over the fireplace of Cupid, complete with bow and ar rows caught Ponsonby’s eye and set his hear t racing.

Now, where were they to sit? T here were no place cards.

A ll of them of course wanted to sit next to Fiona but while they were mak ing their moves, it was Duncannon who stepped for ward to hold a seat out for her which made the others seethe — an opport unit y missed! Carlisle and Ponsonby immediately g rabbed the seats on either side of her. Duncannon moved her chair in, and as the others sat dow n, he found the only seat lef t was behind a g iant ur n.

L ady Fiona bade them welcome, thanked them for coming and invited them to help themselves to tea; but it was not only muf fins but also the atmosphere that could be cut with a k nife. No one was mak ing conversation. T hey looked a bit like children at their first bir thday par t y. Suddenly it seemed, all these gentlemen didn’t k now how to behave. Fiona, ever the hostess and not insensitive to the sit uation, broke the ice saying how mild the weather had been and where were those Apr il showers? Upon which Carlisle began a long treatise on trends in temperat ures he had been st udying for the last 20 years and “don’t you k now each year we are exper iencing lower average temperat ures,” at which Blunt inter r upted saying that’s what must be af fecting the yield f rom his thousands of acres of wheat, while Ponsonby inter jected that far mers were ask ing far too much of the gover nment in this time of war,

as he was remark ing to the Pr ime Minister only the other day, when Blanchard cut in with a statement that essential food costs were out of control in L ondon and what he wanted to k now was, what was Pitt proposing to do about that?

At this point, manners completely went out of the window with ever yone bark ing over and at each other as though Fiona wasn’t even present. She filled her lungs and bellowed “WOULD A N YONE CA R E FOR SOME RUM A ND WA LNUT CA K E?”

T he room instantly fell silent except for Carlisle, who was still droning on about his temperat ure theor ies. But the others piped up with “Oh, yes, absolutely,” “indeed good lady,” “if you please,” “just a small piece perhaps,” “delicious tea,” they chor used, suddenly embarrassed by their show of ill-manners.

At that Fiona got up out of her chair and made towards the bellpull to summon the cake.

T his was a sig nal for each of them to raise themselves out of their chairs and hur r y to render her a ser vice — no lady should be pulling bellpulls when there were five gentlemen present. A s each did so, he realized that he was not the only one with the same thought and the matter then took on the for m of a race to the bell — with disastrous results. Blunt fell, having tr ipped over Ponsonby’s foot, Spencer shot up and somehow impaled Blunt’s wig on his k nife causing Carlisle to poke a muf fin into his eye while Ponsonby, who had trodden on Jack ’s paw, let out an ear-splitting howl as the dog sunk his teeth into the major’s k nee. Meanwhile china and cutler y, muf fins and eggs, were scatter ing in all directions, the teapot went flying and the ur n was over t ur ned. T he gallant suitors then realized that they were, in any case, too late to assist Fiona, as one last china cup fell to the floor with an expensive crash.

Q u iet desc ende d on t he ro om, broken in t ur n by a wh imp er f rom Ponsonby, a c urse f rom Carl isle, a n ap olog y f rom Bla nchard a nd a n unfor t unate noise f rom Blunt. D unc a nnon me a nwh i le picke d up t he ur n a nd put it s l id back on. The cook and a maid, hearing the cacophony, came running in, the cook carr ying the rather delicious-looking rum and walnut cake which she set on the table, while the maid started to clear up the debris. At this point, the gentlemen realized the best thing for them to do was retreat and enjoin the battle for Fiona’s hand on another occasion. They moved towards the door muttering “so sorr y, have to go, Fiona,” “appointment in the cit y,” “vote in the House,” “need attention for my eye,” “my knee” and so on. Fiona, suppressing a smile, thanked them for coming, tried to apologize to Ponsonby for Jack ’s behavior, and said goodbye as she watched their backs disappear into the foyer. Only Andrew Duncannon stayed to help clear up the devastation.

W hen they had brought the room to some sort of order, Fiona offered him a piece of the rum and walnut cake. “At least that didn’t perish in the fray,” she said. “Did you ever see such a thing, Andrew — will they ever forgive me? Will you ever forgive me? But it was f unny, don’t you think? W hat will they say? I know I got you all here under false pretences, but I had no idea Armageddon would ensue, even though it is April Fool ’s Day! Thank you so much for staying and clearing up, you are a dear and you seem to be the only one who came away unscathed.”

“It’s the least I could do Fiona, and if I may say so, it was the most enter taining thing I’ve seen since I witnessed a dancing bear, wear ing a sk ir t, walk ing dow n Regent Street juggling coconuts.”

Fiona looked at him quizzically for a second, then realized what he had said, and broke out into peals of laughter, finally releasing the emotions bottled up over the last few months, not to mention the teatime debacle. “A ndrew, you say the f unniest things. You’re the only one who can make me laugh and I do love to laugh. I’m beg inning to think you could steal my hear t.”

“Really, Fiona, do you mean it? I’ d walk dow n Regent Street wearing a sk ir t and juggling coconuts if you really did.”

“T hat won’t be necessar y A ndrew — just come here and g ive me a k iss.” PS

Histor ical Notes:

T he print by James Gillray that inspired the stor y “Company shocked at a lady getting up to R ing the Bell” was published on November 20th, 1804. * In the 18th centur y in England, convention accepted that ladies who had g iven their husbands a son and heir could take a cicisbeo (Italian for platonic lover) who provided sexual services and escor ted them to events their husbands would not be attending, as long as the relationship did not interfere with their marriage. ** T he Prime Minister of the day, William Pitt, imposed many taxes during this period to help pay for the expensive war against Napoleon. T he names of the gentr y who paid the guinea tax on powder for wigs were listed on a notice in their local church and became known as ‘guinea pigs’— the orig in of the phrase we use to this day.

Bears were first introduced to Europe in the Middle A ges and proved to be a popular sideshow enter tainment in countries where bears were not indigenous. T here is no evidence of one being seen in Regent Street jug gling coconuts, but we can dream.

Tony Rothw ell m o ve d t o P in ehurst in 2017. He spent 50 y e ars in th e h ot el b u sin e ss b ut in ret irem ent coll ect s c ar i c ature s, w r it e s sh or t st or i e s an d sings in th e Mo ore Count y Ch oral So ci et y.