PITTSBURGH
Catholic
Wedding Guide
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2 Pittsburgh Catholic
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Wedding Guide 2012
pg
10 pg
14
pg
20 Inside this issue: 6 | Pre-marriage programs:
14 | Getting married:
10 | Meaning and purpose:
16 | Frequently asked questions:
The schedule of workshops and retreats. Understanding the marriage bond.
Wedding Guide 2012
What you need to know in the Diocese of Pittsburgh. What’s the difference between a valid and an invalid Catholic marriage?
Pittsburgh Catholic 3
PITTSBURGH
Catholic MAGAZINE 135 First Ave. • Suite 200 Pittsburgh, PA 15222 1-800-392-4670 www.pittsburghcatholic.org Vol. 3 Publisher | Bishop David A. Zubik General Manager | Robert P. Lockwood Editor | William Cone
30
pg
Operations Manager | Carmella Weismantle Wedding Guide Project Editor Editor William Cone
20 | Weddings and anniversaries:
Local examples of love and perseverance.
29 | The wedding budget:
Sensible advice about spending.
30 | First-family brides:
When presidents’ daughters tie the knot.
Associate Editors Phil Taylor (Special Projects) Chuck Moody (News) Senior Staff Writer | Patricia Bartos Staff Writer | John W. Franko Graphic Designers David Pagesh | Debbie Skatell-Wehner Director of Advertising | John Connolly Account Executives Michael A. Check | Paul Crowe Michael Wire
On the cover... GH PITTSBUR
Catholic
Wedding Guide
Recipe for a Happy Marriage 1 cup of consideration 2 cups of praise 1 small pinch of in-laws 1 tablespoon of contentment 1 gallon of patience 2 tablespoons of flattery 1 cup of encouragement A dash of faith and trust
Directions: Take Love and Loyalty and mix thoroughly with Faith. Blend in Kindness and Understanding. Add Friendship and Surprise, stirring well. Fold in Passion alternating with an abundance of Laughter. Bake with Sunshine and Rainbows. Garnish with Forgiveness and Thoughtfulness. Serve daily with Generous Helpings. Yield: Serves 2 for a lifetime. Cover design by Debbie Skatell-Wehner
Circulation Mgr./Parish News Coord. Peggy Zezza Administrative Assistant | Amanda Wahlen
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Office Assistant | Caitlin Arendash-Labyoda
Pittsburgh Catholic Wedding Guide is a complimentary publication available at 206 parishes in the Diocese of Pittsburgh from the Pittsburgh Catholic Publishing Associates, Inc. Paid, first-class delivered subscriptions are available. Advertising: ads@pittsburghcatholic.org Editorial: editor@pittsburghcatholic.org
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Diocesan Pre-Marriage Program Location Lawless Hall of St. Mary of Mercy Parish, 107 Boulevard of the Allies, Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222 (Downtown Pittsburgh). Time 7-9:30 p.m. (doors open at 6:30 p.m.) Registration information Couples must pre-register by mail, at least one week prior to the beginning of class. Class size is limited to 60 couples and are registered on a first-come, first-served basis. No walk-ins admitted. Hall is wheelchair-accessible. Couples should obtain registration form from the priest who will officiate at the wedding, or print the form from the diocesan website (www.diopitt.org) and submit to officiating priest for his signature. Complete form and mail it, along with a $60 check made payable to: “Diocese of Pittsburgh,� to Department for Religious Education 111 Boulevard of the Allies, Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222. Also, be sure to include e-mail information since confirmation will be sent via e-mail.
Schedule Sessions run once a week for four weeks on two separate days of the week. If participants cannot attend one session during a particular week, they may attend the other session offered that week. March 2012 • Tuesdays, March 6, 13, 20 and 27 • Thursdays, March 8, 15, 22 and 29 May 2012 • Tuesdays, May 1, 8, 15 and 22 • Thursdays, May 3, 10 and 24 • Wednesday, May 16 July 2012 • Tuesday, July 10, 17, 24 and 31 • Thursdays, July 12, 19, 26 and Aug. 2 September 2012 • Tuesday, Sept. 4, 11, 18 • Monday, Sept. 24 • Thursday, Sept. 6, 13, 20 and 27
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November 2012 • Mondays, Nov. 5, 12, 19 and 26
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Weekend retreats Resources for before and after your wedding Engaged Encounter The Engaged Encounter Weekend is an in-depth, private, personal, marriage preparation experience within the context of Catholic faith and values. Though Catholic in origin, this experience is open to any engaged couple. Through a series of writings and shared exercises, couples are invited to explore many aspects of their relationship, spiritual lives and expectations of marriage. Weekends are led by two married couples who give a series of brief presentations about issues, such as communication, commitment, conflict resolution, values, the roles of faith and the sacrament of marriage. Couples have time and space to share their thoughts and feelings privately with one another. Dates and locations: • Kearns Sprituality Center, 9000 Babcock Blvd., McCandless Township: Feb. 10-12, April 13-15, May 18-20. • St. Paul Monastery, 148 Monastery Ave., Pittsburgh’s South Side: June 8-10. • Gilmary Retreat Center, 601 Flaugherty Run Road, Findlay Township: Aug. 17-19, Oct. 5-7. For information and to register, call Brian and Nancy Stevens at 412-861-0262. To register online, visit www.pittsburghengagedencounter.org.
7 Marriage Encounter Marriage Encounter is designed to give married couples the opportunity to examine their lives together — a time to share their feelings, their hopes, disappointments, joys and frustrations and to be openly honest in a face-to-face, heart-toheart encounter with each other. Weekends are presented by a trained team consisting of three couples and a priest. Through a series of presentations given to the group as a whole, couples have the opportunity to look at themselves as individuals and at how they interact
with each other. After each of the presentations, the couples are given personal reflection time and then time to share their reflections with their spouse in the privacy of their own room. There are no group discussions on the weekend. This is a private experience between husband and wife. Dates and locations: • Gilmary Retreat Center, 601 Flaugherty Run Road, Findlay Township: Feb. 3-5. • Toftrees Resort, 1 Country Club Lane, State College: April 13-15. • Four Points Sheraton Pittsburgh Airport, 1 Industry Lane, Moon Township: Sept. 21-23. • Bishop Connare Center, 2900 Seminary Lane, Greensburg: Nov. 16-18. For information and reservations, call Jay and Judy Shock, 412-635-7775, or visit www.
wwme-pittsburgh.org.
7 Retrouvaille Retrouvaille (French for “rediscovery”) weekends offer help for troubled marriages. Hope is offered to couples considering separation, as well as to those already separated or divorced who want to take another look at their marriage commitment. All retreats are held at Gilmary Retreat Center, 601 Flaugherty Run Road, Findlay Township, on the following weekends: April 13-15, July 13-15 and Sept. 21-23. For information and to register, call Bill and Pat McGrane at 412-277-3434 or 1-800-470-2230, or visit www.helpourmarriage.com.
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Pittsburgh Catholic 7
Parish Pre-Marriage Classes 2012 Date
Time
Length
Parish Name
Open
Location
Contact
Phone
Fee
MARCH 2012 3/9 & 3/10
7pm - 10pm 9am - 5pm
2 days
Our Lady of Grace
Yes
South Hills
Susie Mox
412-278-4030
Good will
3/2 & 3/3
7pm - 10pm 9am - 4pm
2 days
St. Anne
Yes
Castle Shannon
Gerrie Mullooly
412-531-5964
$50.00
3/10
8:30am - 4pm
1 day
St. Mary Assumption
Yes
Glenshaw
Jim Finn
412-486-4100 x203
$50.00
3/22 - 4/19
7pm - 8:45pm
4 days
St. Cyril
Yes
Brighton Heights
Joan DiDonato
412-734-0505
$40.00
3/24
10am - 4pm
1 day
St. Hugh
Yes
Carmichaels
Denise Voithofer
724-966-7270
$20.00
3/35
1pm - 5pm
1 Day
Good Shepherd
Yes
Braddock
Anna Marie Daugherty
3/30 & 3/31
6:30pm - 10pm 9am - 5pm
2 days
St. Sebastian
Yes
Martina
412-351-3710
$25.00
412-264-8999 x8625
$150.00
APRIL 2012 4/13-4/15
8pm Fri thru 5pm Sun
3 days
Engaged Encounter
Yes
Kearns
www.pittsburghengagedencounter.org
$250.00
4/21
9:45am - 6pm
1 day
St. John Baptist
Yes
Plum Boro
Jane Tarr
$45.00
412-795-6376
4/21
9am - 5pm
1 day
St. Augustine
Yes
Lawrenceville
Online
4/21 & 4/28
11am - 6:30pm
2 day
St. Peter
Yes
Slippery Rock
Cheryl
724-991-2639
$60.00 $40.00
4/27 & 4/28
7pm - 9:15pm 9am - 11:45am
2 days
Immaculate Conception
Yes
Washington
Sr. Margaretta
724-225-1425
$40.00
4/28
8:30am - 5pm
1 day
St. Joeseph
Yes
Coraopolis
Parish Office
412-264-6162
$100.00
MAY 2012 5/4 & 5/12
6pm - 9pm 9am - 3pm
2 days
Good Samaritan
Yes
Ambridge
Susan DiPietro
724-266-6565 x17
$40.00
5/18 & 5/19
7pm - 9:15pm 9am - 11:45am
2 days
St. Kilian
Yes
Mars
Deacon Ralph Bachner
724-625-1665 x2130
$25.00
5/18 thru 5/20
8pm Fri thru 5pm Sun
3 days
Engaged Encounter
Yes
Kearns
www.pittsburghengagedencounter.org
$250.00
www.pittsburghengagedencounter.org
$250.00
JUNE 2012 6/8 thru 6/10
8pm Fri thru 5pm Sun
3 days
Engaged Encounter
Yes
St. Paul South Side
AUGUST 2012 8/17 thru 8/19
8pm Fri thru 5pm Sun
3 days
Engaged Encounter
8/25
8:30am - 5pm
1 day
St. Joseph
Yes
Gilmary
www.pittsburghengagedencounter.org
$250.00
Yes
Coraopolis
Parish Office
412-264-6162
$100.00
SEPTEMBER 2012 9/21 & 9/22
7pm - 9:15pm 9am - 11:45am
2 days
St. Kilian
Yes
Mars
Deacon Ralph Bachner
724-625-1665 x2130
$25.00
9/23, 30 10/7, 14, 21 & 28
6:30pm - 8pm
6 days
St. Richard
Yes
Richland Twp.
Mary E. Jordan
724-444-1971 x112
$20.00
10/5 thru 10/7
8pm Fri thru 5pm Sun
3 days
Engaged Encounter
Yes
Gilmary
www.pittsburghengagedencounter.org
$250.00
10/19 & 10/20
7pm - 9pm 8:30am - 3pm
2 days
Immaculate Conception
Yes
Washington
Sr. Margaretta
724-225-1425
$40.00
OCTOBER 2012
NOVEMBER 2012 11/3
9:45am - 6pm
1 day
St. John Baptist
Yes
Plum Boro
Jane Tarr
412-795-6376
$45.00
11/19 & 11/10
6:30pm - 10pm 9am - 5pm
2 days
St. Sebastian
Yes
Marina
Grettyn Nypaver
412-364-8999 x8529
$150.00
St. Therese of Lisieux (Munhall) holds class every month after First Sunday 9:30am Mass. Call 412-462-9976.
8 Pittsburgh Catholic
Wedding Guide 2012
 � � � � Wedding Guide 2012
Pittsburgh Catholic 9
The
Meaning and Purpose
Marriage of
M
arriage is the intimate union and equal partnership of a man and a woman. It comes to us from the hand of God, who created male and female in his image, so that they might become one body and might be fertile and multiply (see Genesis, Chapters 1 and 2). Though man and woman are equal as God’s children, they are created with important differences that allow them to give themselves and to receive the other as a gift. Marriage is both a natural institution and a sacred union because it is rooted in the divine plan of creation. In addition, the Catholic Church teaches that the valid marriage between two baptized Christians is also a sacrament — a saving reality and a symbol of Christ’s love for his church (see Ephesians 5:25-33). In every marriage the spouses make a contract with each other. In a sacramental marriage the couple also enters into a covenant in which their love is sealed and strengthened by God’s love. The free consent of the spouses makes a marriage. From this consent and from the sexual consummation of marriage a special bond arises between husband and wife. This bond is lifelong and exclusive. The marriage bond has been established by God and so it cannot be dissolved. In the Latin rite of the Catholic Church, the priest or deacon, the two official witnesses and the congregation all witness the exchange of consent by the couple who themselves are considered to be the ministers of the sacrament. In the Eastern churches the sacrament is conferred by the priest’s blessing after receiving the couple’s consent. Permanency, exclusivity and faithfulness are essential to marriage because they foster and protect the two equal purposes of marriage. These two purposes are growth in mutual love between the spouses (unitive) and the generation and education of children (procreative). The mutual love of a married couple should always be open to new life. This openness is expressed powerfully in the sexual union of husband and wife. The power to create a child with God is at the heart of what spouses share with each other in sexual intercourse.
10 Pittsburgh Catholic
Wedding Guide 2012
Mutual love includes the mutual gift of fertility. Couples who are not able to conceive or who are beyond their child-bearing years can still express openness to life. They can share their generative love with grandchildren, other children and families, and the wider community. As a result of their baptism, all Christians are called to a life of holiness. This divine calling, or vocation, can be lived in marriage, or in the single life, or in the priesthood or consecrated (religious) life. No one vocation is superior to or inferior to another. Each one involves a specific kind of commitment that flows from one’s gifts and is further strengthened by God’s grace. All vocations make a unique contribution to the life and mission of the church. The family arises from marriage. Parents, children and family members form what is called a domestic church or church of the home. This is the primary unit of the church — the place where the church lives in the daily love, care, hospitality, sacrifice, forgiveness, prayer and faith of ordinary families. From the website www.foryourmarriage.org.
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Wedding Guide 2012
Pittsburgh Catholic 11
WhatPre-Cana makes for Area parish schedule a happy and lasting AUGUST 2011
Cost: $50 per couple Registration/information: 412-494-0354
marriage?
Parish sponsor: St. Joseph, Coraopolis Location: 1301 Fourth Ave., Coraopolis, Pa. 15108 Date and time: Saturday, Aug. 27, 8:30 a.m.-5top.m. All couples want their marriages $75 succeed. But whatCost: makes for a happy and Registration/information: 412-264-6162 lasting marriage? Is it just luck — a matter of
finding the right spouse? Is each marriage SEPTEMBER 2011 unique, or do happy marriages have certain Parish sponsor: St. Margaret Scotland, elements in common? Perhaps of most Green Tree do to improve important, what can spouses Location: their chances of marital success? 310 Mansfield Ave., Social science research some Pittsburgh, Pa.offers 15220 helpful answers.Date It reminds us, for example, and time: that couples build “multiple marriages” Saturday, Sept. 17
Parish sponsor: St. Catherine of Sweden, Wildwood Location: 2554of Wildwood Road, over the course a marriage. Common Wildwood, Pa. 15091 transitions such as the birth of a child, Dates and time: relocation and the empty nest require Two Sunday sessions, couplesSept. to adjust theirOct. behaviors and 25 and 2, 1-5 p.m. expectations. Transitions can threaten Cost: $50 marital stability, but they can also provide an Registration/information: 412-486-6001 opportunity for growth. Here are several key findings OCTOBER 2011from the social sciences that can help couples to Parish sponsor: St. Bernard, navigate theseMount transitions and Lebanon build a lasting marriage. Location:
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311 Washington Road, Pittsburgh, Pa. 15216 Dates and time: Four sessions, Wednesdays and Fridays, Oct. 5, 7, 12 and 14, 7-9:30 p.m. Cost: $40 Registration/information: 412-561-3300 Parish sponsor: Immaculate Conception, Washington Location: 119 W. Chestnut St., Washington, Pa. 15301 Dates and times: Two days, Friday, Oct. 14, 6:30-9 p.m. and Saturday, Oct. 15, 8:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Cost: $40 Registration/information: Sister Margaretta at 724-225-1425 Parish sponsor: Butler County parishes Location: Couples who know what to expect during St. Peter Parish Center, common transitional periods in a Pa. marriage 342 Normal Ave., Slippery Rock, 16057 are less likely Dates to be blindsided and time: when changes Two sessions, 15 and 22, occur. Couples Saturdays, can acquireOct. proactive 10:45 a.m.-5 p.m., followed shifts. resources to prepare for relationship by Mass 5:30 p.m. The three most at common reasons given Cost: $40 per couple, with lunch provided, for divorce are “lack of commitment,” “too or bring your own. Class limited to 20 much conflict and arguing” and “infidelity.” couples. Early registration suggested. In contrast, the most common reasons Registration/information: 724-991-2639 couples give for long-term marital success are commitment andSt. companionship. Parish sponsor: Basil, Carrick They speak of hard work and dedication, both to Location: 1735 Road, each other andBrownsville to the idea of marriage itself. Pittsburgh, Pa. 15210 Qualities that a couple can acquire Dates in and times: and/or strengthen order to save or Two days, Friday, 7-10 p.m. and resume improve their marriage include: positive on Saturday, 9 a.m.-3 p.m. communication styles, realistic expectations, (dates to be announced) common attitudes concerning important Cost: $60 issues and beliefs, and a high degree of Registration/information: 412-882-9763 personal commitment. Married couples make a dual NOVEMBER 2011 is to commitment. The first, of course, ParishThe sponsor: each other. secondSt. is Sebastian, to the institution Ross Township of marriage. This includes support for Location: marital childbearing, openness to children Martina Spiritual Renewal Center, 5244 andClarwin a belief Ave., that marriage is for Such Pittsburgh, Pa.life. 15229 commitment results in high levels of Dates and time: intimacyTwo anddays, marital happiness. Friday-Saturday, Nov. Couples stay and 11-12who (time tomarried be announced) Cost:the $125-$150 perand couple happy have same levels types of Registration/information: 412-364-8999 disagreements as those who divorce. The difference stems from how they handle Parish sponsor: Our Peace, Conway disagreements. TheLady goodof news is that Location: communication and conflict resolution skills 1000 Third Ave., Conway, Pa. 15027 can be learned. Dates and times:
From website Twothe days, Friday,www.foryourmarriage. Nov. 18, 6-9 p.m. org.and Saturday, Nov. 19, 9 a.m.-2 p.m.
Wedding WeddingGuide Guide2011 2012
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Pittsburgh Catholic 13
Getting married in the Catholic Church By the Staff of the Department for Canon and Civil Law Services Couples considering marriage within the Diocese of Pittsburgh can avoid many problems and misunderstandings if they become familiar with the diocesan regulations for this foundational sacrament before they begin planning their wedding. Questions that one couple has are generally common questions that many couples have. The purpose of this article is to clarify and provide answers to some of these common questions.
determines if there is freedom and readiness to marry or if other reasons prevent the marriage from taking place in the Catholic Church.
Are marriage classes still required? Yes, marriage preparation classes are considered an important component of the coupleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s readiness to assume marriage. Couples can choose from various formats contingent upon their personal schedules and preferences. Four evening sessions are held at St. Mary of Mercy Parish, Downtown Pittsburgh, on Tuesday and Thursday evenings at certain times during the year. When should the engaged couple contact a Engaged Encounter weekends (www.pittsburghengagedencounters.org) are held at various locations priest? The engaged couple should contact their parish within the diocese. This consists of a Friday evening priest to discuss their plans at least six months before through Sunday afternoon format. Also, various parishes throughout the diocese their intended wedding date, since the church considers all plans tentative until the marriage applications conduct their own classes. Couples should contact the Office for Adult and Family Faith Formation at and documents are completed. Additionally, there may be necessary steps that 412-456-3160. the couple needs to take if one or both of them have lived outside of the Diocese of Pittsburgh as an adult, May I get married any day of the week? Weddings may not be performed on Sundays nor and these steps can take time to complete. The priest
14 Pittsburgh Catholic
on holy days of obligation in the Diocese of Pittsburgh. Church law also prohibits weddings during the Easter triduum â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Holy Thursday to Holy Saturday. Though permitted, in serious circumstances, marriages are discouraged during the penitential season of Lent. What happens when one of the couple is not Catholic? For a wedding to take place in the Catholic Church, at least one of the parties must be Catholic. Permission for this type of marriage (between a Catholic and a non-Catholic Christian) is required from the diocesan bishop. To obtain permission from the diocesan bishop for a mixed marriage (a marriage in which each party is of a different faith), the Catholic party must sign documents stating he or she will do everything possible to remain in the faith and to raise children as Catholics. The non-Catholic party is to be aware of these promises but is not requested to sign any documents. Can there be a nuptial Mass when one of the
Wedding Guide 2012
parties is not Catholic? Although is it not the norm, the law of the church permits the celebration of a nuptial Mass for the marriage of a Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic, if the couple wishes. Marriage between a Catholic and a non-baptized person always take place outside of Mass.
The minister may give additional prayers, blessings or words of greeting or may read a lesson if the ceremony is not part of a Mass. In ceremonies of dispensation from canonical form, the Catholic Rite of Marriage is dispensed in
Why does the Catholic Church have all of these marriage requirements? Marriage between the baptized is a sacrament. So, of course, the Catholic Church is concerned with the proper and dignified celebration of this sacrament as well as all of the sacraments of the church. Just as there are regulations, for example, for the reception of the Eucharist, for baptism and for confirmation, there are regulations that the church imposes for the reception of the sacrament of marriage. Is it possible to have a Catholic priest and a non-Catholic minister perform the ceremony? No, because canon law does not permit two distinct ceremonies. Similarly, services in which both the Catholic marriage ritual and the non-Catholic ritual are performed jointly or successively are not permitted. Also, for example, a priest may not elicit marital consent from the Catholic party while a minister elicits consent from the non-Catholic party. It is permitted, however, for a non-Catholic minister to participate in the Catholic marriage service.
Wedding Guide 2012
favor of the non-Catholic partyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wedding service, which takes place in a non-Catholic church. The Catholic priest may or may not be present. If he is present, the priest may participate by giving additional prayers or blessings at the end of the service, but since he is not the official celebrant, the Catholic priest does not sign the license or receive the consent from either party.
May a non-Catholic bride or groom receive holy Communion at the wedding? No, it is not permitted. This is called intercommunion and it is not permitted at weddings, and permission will not be granted for inter-communion for a mixed marriage. Neither is holy Communion given to non-Catholic congregants who attend the wedding. What happens when one of the parties has been married before? If one party has been previously married, couples should be advised to discuss the details of the prior marriage(s) with the priest before setting a wedding date. It is best not to assume that a prior marriage â&#x20AC;&#x153;did not countâ&#x20AC;? or that it is a simple matter of submitting certain documents. A priest is not to set a wedding date for a couple until documents have been issued resolving the question of a prior marriage. This might be an involved matter resulting in a final decree of nullity following a formal nullity (annulment) process, or it might be a more simple matter of a decree or the submission of a death certificate. The best advice is to have the necessary decrees or documents in hand before considering a wedding date as confirmed. This advice is given to avoid cancellation of wedding venues, bands, invitations, etc., if the wedding cannot take place at the exact location and date as was anticipated.
See
Q&A on page 16
Pittsburgh Catholic 15
Q&A
from page 15
Where is the usual place of marriage? The parish church of the bride or the groom is the ordinary place of marriage. If the couple wishes to marry in a Catholic church other than their own, they must receive permission from each of their pastors and from the pastor of the church in which they wish to marry. A couple should be aware that there may be financial charges for the use of a church other than their own. Wedding ceremonies held in chapels are discouraged, since the parish and the parish church are considered proper for celebration of this sacrament. Couples who wish to marry in an approved chapel, however, may receive special permission for the ceremony from the Office for Matrimonial Concerns. Weddings are never permitted outdoors. What happens if one of the parties is a Catholic, but of one of the Eastern rites of the church? The marriage may be performed in the rite of either Catholic party; however, premarital forms must be submitted to the Office for Matrimonial Concerns in time to seek permissions that might apply from the Eastern-rite chancery. Why does the church ask if we have a prenuptial agreement? Why is that the church’s business? The marriage forms ask about a prenuptial agreement because there is an underlying premise in the church’s law that the parties to a marriage enter the marriage without condition. Marriage is to be a “partnership of the whole of life,” which by its nature is for the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of children who bless the marriage. When the prenuptial agreement deals with the consequences of property ownership at the time of death, there is no canonical problem. However, when an agreement is so structured to deal entirely with the maintenance of separate property and which party gets what after a divorce, this appears contrary to a partnership for the whole of life. It places into question the understanding of the permanency of marriage that the couple holds. Further, there is an inherent contradiction in planning for the divorce and the wedding in the same time frame. An acceptable reason to have a prenuptial agreement, however, might be to provide for children of previous marriages or if it is the requirement in a business partnership to protect the interests of the other business partners. Each agreement must be examined individually to assure the church that the couple to the agreement understands and accepts the nature of marriage as binding, lasting and permanent, for the couple’s natural life. For more information about diocesan marriage regulations, call the Office for Matrimonial Concerns at 412-456-3033.
16 Pittsburgh Catholic
Wedding
FAQs
Why does the church teach that marriage is a sacrament?
Because it is sacred. Marriage is to be a union of love, and the sacraments make Christ, the author of all love, present in our midst. For this reason, marriage between two baptized people is a sacrament. Like the other sacraments, marriage is not just for the good of individuals or the couple, but also for the community as a whole. The Old Testament prophets saw the marriage of a man and woman as a symbol of the covenant relationship between God and his people. The permanent and exclusive union between husband and wife mirrors the mutual commitment between God and his people. St. Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians says that this union is a symbol of the relationship between Christ and the church.
Do Catholics ever validly enter into nonsacramental marriages? Yes. Marriages between Catholics and nonChristians, while they may still be valid in the eyes of the church, are non-sacramental. They are still blessed by God, and with permission a priest or deacon may witness such marriages.
What is the difference between a valid and an invalid Catholic marriage?
Just as individual governments have certain requirements for civil marriage (e.g., a marriage license, blood tests), the Catholic Church also has requirements before Catholics can be considered validly married in the eyes of the church. A valid Catholic marriage results from four elements: (1) the spouses are free to marry; (2) they freely exchange their consent; (3) in consenting to marry, they have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another and to be open to children; and (4) their consent is given in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized church minister. Exceptions to the last requirement must be approved by church authority.
If a Catholic wants to marry a nonCatholic, how can he or she ensure that the marriage is recognized by the church?
In addition to meeting the criteria for a valid Catholic marriage (see Question 3), the Catholic must seek permission from the local bishop to marry a non-Catholic. If the person is a non-Catholic Christian, this permission is called “permission to enter into a mixed marriage.” If the person is a non-Christian, the permission is called “dispensation from disparity of cult.” The priest or deacon helping to prepare the couple for marriage can assist with this permission process.
Why does a Catholic wedding have to take place in a church?
Marriage is not just a private or family event but also a church event. For this reason, the church teaches that marriage should be celebrated in the midst of the community, like in the parish church of one of the spouses. Only the local bishop can permit a marriage to be celebrated in another suitable place.
If a Catholic wishes to marry in a place outside a Catholic church, how can he or she be sure that the marriage is recognized by the Catholic Church as valid?
The local bishop can permit a wedding to take place in another church or in another suitable place for a sufficient reason. For example, a Catholic seeks to marry a Baptist whose father is the pastor of the local Baptist church, and the father wants to officiate at the wedding. In these circumstances the bishop could permit the couple to marry in the Baptist church. The permission in these instances is called “dispensation from canonical form.” As long as the couple follows proper protocol, including having a priest or deacon present to witness the wedding, the marriage would be recognized as valid by the Catholic Church. A priest or deacon would help the couple with the requirements.
If two Catholics, or a Catholic and non-Catholic, are married invalidly in the eyes of the church, what should they do?
They should approach a priest or deacon to resolve the situation.
Wedding Guide 2012
When a Catholic marries a non-Catholic, must the couple promise to raise the children in the Catholic faith? The non-Catholic spouse does not have to promise to have the children raised Catholic. However, the Catholic spouse must promise to do all that he or she can do to have the children baptized and raised in the Catholic faith.
Is it required that a wedding celebration have expensive flowers, clothes and other accompaniments? The Rite of Marriage makes no reference to any of these cultural elements. The focus of the couple should be on the celebration of the sacrament. Many priests and deacons repeatedly emphasize that a couple does not have to postpone celebrating the sacrament of marriage because they cannot afford such things.
for preparing couples for marriage. This must be done at least six months prior to the proposed date of the wedding. It is important that it be done before any of the arrangements for the wedding are made, e.g. renting a hall, hiring a disc jockey, etc. The priest, deacon or staff person will explain the process of marriage preparation and the various preparation programs that are available.
Why does the church require engaged couples to participate in a marriage preparation program?
You can only love something that you know, and as your knowledge increases so can your love deepen. As part of its pastoral responsibility the church requires every couple to participate in a marriage prep program in order that they will be properly ready to be
See How much does it cost to get married in the Catholic Church? Individual parishes regulate the stipend, or offering to the church, that is customary on the occasion of a wedding. This might also include a fee for the organist and vocalist if this is included in the ceremony. In a situation of true financial difficulty, however, couples can come to an agreement with the pastor so that true financial hardship would never prevent a marriage from taking place.
FAQ on page 18
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What is a nuptial Mass and when can a couple have one?
A nuptial Mass is a Mass that includes the celebration of the sacrament of marriage. It has special readings and prayers suitable to the celebration of the sacrament. The sacrament of marriage between two baptized Catholics should normally be celebrated with a nuptial Mass. If the situation warrants, and the local bishop gives permission, a nuptial Mass may be celebrated for a marriage between a Catholic and a baptized person who is not a Catholic, except that Communion is not given to the non-Catholic spouse and non-Catholic guests. In such instances, it is better to use the appropriate ritual for marriage outside of Mass. The celebration of a marriage without a nuptial Mass is always the case in a marriage between a baptized Catholic and a nonbaptized person.
What should a couple do when they decide that they want to marry in the Catholic Church?
They should contact their parish as soon as possible and make an appointment to talk with the priest, deacon or staff person responsible
Wedding Guide 2012
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married. Marriage preparation offers couples the opportunity to develop a better understanding of Christian marriage; to evaluate and deepen their readiness to live married life; and to gain insights into themselves as individuals and as a couple. It is especially effective in helping couples to deal with the challenges of the early years of marriage.
What kinds of marriage preparation programs does our local church offer?
In the Diocese of Pittsburgh there are several options, and every couple is required to attend one. The diocesan pre-marriage program, consisting of four evenings, is offered at St. Mary of Mercyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Lawless Hall every other month starting in January. Engaged Encounter Weekends are offered several times a year. Also, many parishes and clusters of parishes offer marriage preparation programs. Some parishes offer programs for groups of couples as well as a marriage-mentoring program with an experienced married couple. For further information about any of these programs, contact the Office for Adult and
18 Pittsburgh Catholic
Family Faith Formation, 412-456-3160, or e-mail familylife@diopitt.org. As part of their preparation many couples also complete a premarital inventory, such as FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study), to identify issues for discussion.
What key issues are covered in marriage preparation?
Marriage preparation programs help couples to understand both the practical and spiritual realities of married life. Typical topics include the meaning of marriage as a sacrament; faith, prayer and the church; roles in marriage; communication and conflict resolution; children, parenthood and natural family planning; finances; and family of origin.
Is there a cost for marriage preparation programs? Most programs charge a modest fee to cover the cost of materials. Programs that
require an overnight stay include an additional cost for rooms and meals. Assistance is frequently available for couples who would otherwise be unable to participate.
Does the church offer any programs to help couples to improve their marriage? Yes. Peer ministry for married couples is widespread. Many couples participate in Marriage Encounter (www.wwme.org), which offers a weekend experience and ongoing community support. Many couples meet in parish-based small groups; ministries such as Teams of Our Lady and Christian Family Movement also use the small-group approach. Some parishes sponsor a retreat day or evening of reflection for married couples. Others offer a mentoring system that matches older couples with younger ones. Retrouvaille offers a lifeline for troubled marriages that has proven itself effective.
For information about any of these programs, call the Office for Adult and Family Faith Formation at 412-456-3160. For other helpful resources, consult the Diocese of Pittsburgh website at www.diopitt.org/ education/oflc.
Wedding Guide 2012
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Wedding & Anniversary Bill and Marion Brooks of Reserve Township were married 50 years ago on June 10, 1961, at the former St. Ambrose Church in the Spring Hill neighborhood of Pittsburgh. They now attend St. Aloysius Parish. The couple has four children (Marion, Bill, Mark and Debbie) and nine grandchildren: Allison, Corey and Kevin Shipton; Bill, Bianca and Brittany Brooks; Nick and Christopher Brooks; and Alexa Perry. Bill and Marion celebrated with family and friends at the VFW in West View. They, along with many other couples, recently attended the Mass at St. Paul Cathedral celebrating 50 years of marriage. It was a memorable event and so nice to see that so many couples have enjoyed 50 years of wedded bliss.
William and Nancy (Phillips) Borodycia celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary Aug. 28, 2011, with family and friends at Patio 10 on Pittsburgh’s South Side. Along with the gift of a prayer book, the couple received a special blessing from Father Ivan as guests looked on. Bill and Nancy were married Aug. 26, 1961, at St. John the Baptist Ukrainian Catholic Church. The couple raised two daughters, Evelyn (Jim) Shahan and Marianne (the late Robert) Driscoll, and are the proud grandparents of six: Michelle, Marissa and Brendan Shahan, and Robert, Shannon and Lauren Driscoll. Bill, Nancy and their extended families all reside in Pittsburgh’s Carrick neighborhood.
Lauren Ann Schlieper of St. Alexis in Wexford will marry Gabriel Andrew Jakubisin of St. Joan of Arc in Toledo, Ohio, at St. Vincent Basilica in Latrobe on June 16, the feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. They met while studying theology at St. Vincent College. Gabriel teaches sophomore theology at St. John’s Jesuit High School. When Lauren joins him in Toledo, she hopes to serve either as a youth minister or high school teacher. They are grateful to their parents for examples of life-long love and commitment and look forward to serving the church by their own fruitful marriage.
Bill and Barbara Volzer of Plum celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary Aug. 26, 2011, with their family. Bill and Barb were married at St. Basil Church in Pittsburgh’s Carrick neighborhood and now are members of St. John the Baptist in Plum. Barb is a retired school bus driver for the Plum School District and enjoys sewing. Bill is retired from AT&T and is judge advocate of American Legion Post 980 in Plum. The couple is active in the American Association of Retired Persons and Golden Agers. They are proud parents of Julie and Scott Volzer of Plum, Steven Volzer, Tracy and George Decker of Chesapeake, Va., and Eric Volzer (1965-2001). Bill and Barb are grandparents of Alicia and Jason Beattie, David, Alexander, Laura, Joshua and Aaron. They are great-grandparents of Mason.
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Wedding Guide 2012
Announcements-
Amy Thimons and Chad Spontak were united in marriage on Oct. 22, 2011, at the Church of the Assumption in Bellevue, with Father Ken Oldenski officiating. Amy is the daughter of Rick and Mary Thimons of Bellevue, and Chad is the son of Charles and Gloria Spontak of Wexford. Amy and Chad now reside in Wexford and are members of St. Richard Parish.
Robert and Joan Cowoski were married June 2, 1962, at Assumption Church in Ernest, Pa. The couple are parents of Chris, Robyn, Jeffrey, Todd and Allyson. They are blessed with 10 grandchildren. Bob is retired from Mike Kelly Chevrolet, and Joan is a retired nurse for Butler Health System. They are members of St. Fidelis Parish in Lyndora/Meridian.
William (Randy) and Marjorie Moore of Plum celebrated their 68th wedding anniversary in November 2010. They were married Nov. 22, 1943, at Holy Rosary Church in Pittsburgh’s Homewood neighborhood. Randy was a staff sergeant in World War II, serving four years, including two years in Ireland. After the war, he joined his father in the family business, Moore’s Drapery Store. He was the owner for 40 years. The Moores have three children: Sharon Groziano and Susan Draege of Murrysville and William of Westerville, Ohio. The couple also has six grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. They are members of Our Lady of Joy Church in Holiday Park.
William and Margaret (Dvorsky) Burke of Whitehall were married May 5, 1962, at St. Stephen Church in Pittsburgh’s Hazelwood neighborhood, with Bishop Vincent Leonard as celebrant. They are now members of St. Norbert Parish in the city’s Overbrook section. The couple is blessed with three children: Lisa (Paul) Denk, Linda (Eric) Schueler and Father Thomas Burke, pastor of Good Shepherd Parish in Braddock. They have seven grandsons: Michael, Matthew and Thomas Denk, and Wyatt, Donovan, Killian and Keegan Schueler. Bill is a retired Pittsburgh police sergeant after 29 years. Marge worked for the Diocese of Pittsburgh, Alcoa and Children’s Hospital. Bill and Marge will renew their vows May 6, 2012, at Sacred Heart Church in Braddock Hills with their son presiding.
Wedding Guide 2012
Pittsburgh Catholic Magazine 21
Wedding & Anniversary Announcements-
Mary Catherine (Kay) Barry and John Robert Leathers were married Dec. 16, 2011, at St. Vincent de Paul Church in New Castle, with Father Frank Almade presiding. During the ceremony, Father Almade presided at John’s reception into full communion as well as his confirmation. Judge Nora Barry Fischer and Dr. Donald Fischer proclaimed readings at the ceremony. The cantor and soloist was Erin Fischer Acton. Joyce Barry served as maid of honor, while Ben Bobbitt served as best man and John’s sponsor. Other attendants were Linda Cumpston, Maj. Meghan Cumpston and Capt. John McCallister. A dinner party at Tara followed the wedding, with a Christmas honeymoon in Rome. The couple resides in Bridgeville.
Donald and Margaret Turkovich of Hopewell Township announce the engagement of their daughter, Julie Lynn Turkovich, to Matthew George Kramer, son of Mary Beth Kramer of Oakdale and the late George Kramer. Julie received both her bachelor of science degree in elementary education and master of science degree from Duquesne University. Julie is a teacher in the South Side Area School District. Matthew received his bachelor of science degree in wildlife and fisheries science from Pennsylvania State University and graduated from the Ross Leffler School of Conservation. Matthew is a wildlife conservation officer for the Pennsylvania Game Commission. Their wedding will be June 23, 2012, at St. Columbkille Church in Imperial.
Bernie and Nancy Downs were married at St. Catherine of Siena Church in Crescent on June 18, 1962. The couple celebrated renewal of their vows at St. Paul’s Monastery on Pittsburgh’s South Side on June 18, 1982, officiated by Father Victor Rocha, a longtime family friend. The couple’s 1962 wedding was a small affair for immediate family, so for their renewal of vows the couple shared a memorable reception with all family and friends at their home in Rosslyn Farms. The Downs have been celebrating their love and faith as “roamin’” Catholics in churches throughout Pennsylvania, Georgia, Florida, Canada, Australia and Europe. Bernie and Nancy have been blessed with their son, Joe, his wife, Rhonda, and grandchildren, Jessica, Matthew and Libby.
22 Pittsburgh Catholic Magazine
Dolores Jean Politowski of Pittsburgh’s Lawrenceville neighborhood married James Stanley Beck of Dayton, Ohio, on June 2, 1962, at Holy Family Church in Lawrenceville. Father Edward Trzeciakowski presided over the nuptials. The couple first made their homes in Bellevue and Lawrenceville before moving to Cranberry Township in 1972. They have two children, Sharon and James, and two grandchildren, Victoria and James. All are members of St. Ferdinand Parish in Cranberry. Dolores and James Beck are retired and enjoying spending time with their family, being involved in their church and community, and traveling.
Donald Edward and Patricia Ann Keefer (formerly Patricia Ann Fowkes) w e re mar r ied June 2, 1962, at St. John the Baptist Church in Plum. They have two sons, Jay Edward Keefer and Jeffrey Allen Keefer (Margie Chiado), who have two daughters, Kathleen Marie and Valerie Renee Keefer. Don was a civil engineer for the U.S. Steel Railroad, and Pat worked before marriage and again after the sons were grown for the Penn Hills School District. They have enjoyed traveling, camping and growing old together.
Wedding Guide 2012
James Leonard and Jeanne Bernadette Rubino were married at St. John the Baptist Church in Monaca on April 28, 1962. James and Jeanne are proud parents of seven children: John, Col. James Jr. (Missy), Jeff (Lesa), Kate (Larry), Kristyn, Nancy (Jeff) and Joseph. They are the grandparents of 12: Jimbo, Genna, Sammy Jo, Mattie, J.P., Lea, Jake, Diana, Reece, Meghan, Hannah and Alaina. James is the son of the late Charles and Lena Rubino of Monaca. Jeanne is the daughter of the late John and Genevieve Draganac, also of Monaca. James and Jeanne are members of SS. Peter and Paul Parish in Beaver and reside in Brighton Township. James is employed at BASF, and Jeanne is a homemaker.
Wedding Guide 2012
Jane and Jack Davis were married July 14, 1962. Fifty wonderful years of marriage have left the couple with five children, eight grandchildren, and countless good friends and relatives. Jane and Jack have had their ups and downs over the years but got through everything by the grace of God. Hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hoping that God sees fit to bless the couple with many more years to come
Thomas and Donna Zolkiewicz are celebrating their 50th wedding annviersary. The couple was married on April 11, 1962 at Holy Innocents Church in Sheraden. Thomas and Donna have three children: Thomas (Carrie), Tricia Anne (Stanley), and Robert (Jaime). The couple also has four granchildren: Lindsay, Rachel, Sydney, and Taylor Anne. Thomas and Donna reside in Ingram.
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Celebrated the Sacrament of Marriage or a 50th Anniversary in the past six months
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Richard and Victoria Karabasz announce the Nov. 12, 2011, engagement of their daughter, Lauren Karabasz, to Christopher Cieply, son of Mr. and Mrs. J. Lev Cieply. The future bride graduated from California University of Pennsylvania with a bachelor’s degree in elementary education and special education. She is employed by the Penn Hills School District as a special educator. The future groom graduated from California University of Pennsylvania with a master’s degree in education. He is employed by the Ringgold School District as a special educator. Lauren and Christopher are planning a summer 2013 wedding.
Share your joyful announcement with the rest of the Diocese of Pittsburgh in the Pittsburgh Catholic’s full-color Wedding Guide to be released in February 2013! Send your color photograph and 110 words postmarked on or before Friday, January 11, 2013 to: Wedding Guide, Pittsburgh Catholic 135 First Ave. Suite 200 Pittsburgh, PA 15222-1513 or e-mail carendash@pittsburghcatholic.org. For questions, call Caitlin at 412-471-1252, Ext. 3570 Hard-copy photos will be returned to those providing a self-addressed stamped envelope.
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Mr. and Mrs. Patsy (Betty) Ronghi of Hopewell Township and Our Lady of Fatima Parish will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this summer. The couple was married June 23, 1962, at Our Lady of Fatima Parish in Farrell, Pa. They have one daughter and son-in-law, Anne Marie and Steve Hulick, and one grandson, the light of their lives, Anthony Nicholas Hulick.
Wedding Guide 2012
C huck and Nanc y Kaczmarek w e r e married March 3, 1962. The couple is originally from Pittsburgh. They met when they were 15 and married five years later when Chuck was honorably discharged from the Navy. The couple is blessed with two sons, a daughter-in-law, three grandchildren and one great-grandson. Chuck retired 15 years ago from People’s Natural Gas Co. as a specialist. He is president of the Penn Township Vets Association, Butler County chairman for the Holy Sepulcher Church Bazaar and director of natural gas at Butler Community College. Nancy is a homemaker, active in her church and dedicated to fund-raising for breast cancer research.
David Edward Resek and Charlotte Ann Holden were married Feb. 14, 1962, i n Wa s h i n g t o n , Pa . Members of Immaculate C o n c e p t i o n Pa r i s h , David is an extraordinary minister of holy Communion and Charlotte is a lector. They are parents of David (Joan) and Dennis (Dawn) Resek and Donna (Kevin) Abbott. Grandparents of Sara, Erin and Brady Abbot, and Andrew and Emily Resek. David is a retired secretary/ treasurer of Washington Ford, and Charlotte is retired from National City Bank, J.C. Penney, and is currently a teller at Washington Financial Bank. David is the son of the late John and Anita Resek. Charlotte is the daughter of the late Claude and Viola Holden.
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Rose and Louis Hribik were married at St. Mary Church in Ford City, Pa., on June 9, 1962, by Father Paul Wiesmann. Rose is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Stafano DiGregorio, and Louis is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Hribik. Rose and Louis have one son, Gregory, married to Lisa Tarr, and one granddaughter, Elisabet Ann. Rose and Louis reside in Holiday Park.
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Cliff and Joan Watson were married Oct. 14, 1961. Fifty years later, they thank God for a wonderful family: daughter Cindy, her husband, Jim, and grandsons Andrew and Alex; son Tim, fiancée Kirsten, and daughter Jennifer and granddaughter Sarah. They have a close, loving family, always there for each other, and Cliff and Joan are grateful for their many years together. The joys and the strength to accept the sorrows, thanks to God. They pray that their family will always lead good, productive lives full of love of God and each other.
Pittsburgh Catholic 25
Budgeting for your wedding Costs vary by region, but the average wedding ranges between $20,000 and $25,000. Some couples justify their spending because it’s a “once in a lifetime” event. Others feel pressured by families and friends to stage an elaborate celebration. Expectations may be greater for couples who have been on their own for a while. Presumably, they have more financial resources, plus they’ve accumulated lots of great ideas from their friends’ weddings. The Catholic Church understands a couple’s desire for an appropriate celebration of their marriage with family and friends. In the church, marriage is a sacrament. All sacraments are to be celebrated because they are encounters with Jesus Christ. A wedding celebrates Christ’s gift of marital love to this particular man and woman. It is a time for rejoicing. But what is “appropriate?” The U.S. Catholic bishops have not spoken directly about wedding spending, but couples might ask the following questions before setting up a wedding budget. What do you want the wedding to say about you and your values? Couples frequently say they want their wedding to express who they are. Of course, a Christian wedding is much more than a personal identity statement. Still, this is a legitimate concern; after all, the wed-
conversations that need to take place before the wedding. It can also turn you into an overstressed bride- or groom-zilla.
ding is the couple’s first public act as husband and wife. It should say something about what’s important to them. Do you want to express hospitality, gratitude for the support of family and friends, and a commitment to share your love with others? Then plan a wedding that highlights those values.
Do you feel comfortable with the amount you plan to spend? Have you considered this in relation to the needs of people in your community? The U.S. bishops have called people to “carefully consider our choices and lifestyles.” They point out that “we live in a culture that prizes the consumption of material goods. While the poor often have too little, many of us can be easily caught up in a frenzy of wanting more and more” (“Global Climate Change,” 15). Moderation is the key. If you have a feeling that wedding expenses are getting out of hand, they probably are. To restore your focus, consider how your wedding might express your concern for the needy. Some couples prepare a large food basket that they bring forward along with the bread and wine for Mass. Other couples include a request on their wedding invitations that guests bring one or two items of non-perishable food to the church. These are then given to the parish food pantry or a local food bank. Couples can also make a donation, from the money they may receive as gifts, to the parish’s social outreach committee. From the website www.foryourmarriage.org.
Are you willing to go into debt, or put family members in debt, because of this wedding? According to a national study, debt brought into marriage is among the top three problematic issues for newly married couples. Many couples are already struggling with credit card debt and student loans. Do you really want to add wedding debt to the mix? Financial worries can strain even seasoned couples. Newly married couples are especially at risk. Are you willing to focus time and energy on the details of a lavish wedding? Will this reduce the attention you can pay to preparing for the marriage itself? You may have heard the Engaged Encounter slogan “A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime.” In other words, what are your priorities? The engagement period is not only a time to plan the wedding, but to prepare for your married lives. Too much concentration on the former can take time from the must-have
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Wedding Guide 2012
How much does it cost to marry in the church? Actually, nothing. Sacraments are not for sale. The “Catechism of the Catholic Church” (2121) makes clear that the First Commandment forbids “simony,” which is the buying or selling of sacred things. It’s appropriate, however, for the bride and groom to share their joy and, in generosity, to contribute to the support of the church and its ministers. The donations and stipends associated with a wedding fall into three categories: 1. Donation to the church. Traditionally, the couple makes a donation to the church in which they are married. Sometimes an amount — or a range — is suggested, but often it’s left to the discretion of the couple. If the bride or groom or both are registered parishioners, the suggested amount may be minimal, or none.
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The assumption is that they are already supporting the parish with their regular financial contributions. Some couples marry in a historic chapel or church. Keep in mind that wedding donations can be an important source of support for older buildings. Couples should ask about the suggested donation if it is not specified in the written marriage policy. A helpful rule of thumb is to consider the donation in relation to the total amount spent on the wedding. In no case, however, should financial circumstances prevent a couple from approaching the church for marriage. 2. Music ministers and others. In addition to an organist, weddings may feature instrumentalists, a cantor and other singers. Musicians’ fees are often explained in the parish’s marriage policy, or they can be discussed when the couple meets with the music director. If the celebration includes a Mass, altar servers should be given a small offering. 3. Celebrant’s stipend. The services of the priest or deacon are free, but it is customary to offer a stipend. Usually, no specific amount is suggested. Couples may want to consider not only the time devoted to the rehearsal and wedding, but also the effort put into the marriage preparation process. A final note: Donations and stipends should be placed in clearly marked envelopes and given to the intended recipient. Celebrants are not usually expected to distribute the stipends. Some parishes require that certain fees be paid in advance. For example, a deposit to confirm the date, or the musician’s fee. Any remaining donations and stipends should be taken care of prior to the wedding day. From the website www.foryourmarriage.org.
Pittsburgh Catholic 27
atience: PKey to a lasting marriage
By Sheila Garcia “God, give me patience — right now!” Most of us have probably said some version of that prayer. Perhaps we’re waiting for a wife to finish dressing when we’re already 20 minutes late. Or we find — again — a husband’s dirty socks and underwear on the floor instead of in the laundry basket. When long-married couples are asked the recipe for marital success, many identify patience as a key ingredient. It’s the indispensable virtue for living together day
after day in relative peace, without constant struggles to change the other to our liking. Patience in marriage begins with the individual. Our daily routine gives us ample opportunity to practice patience: waiting at the drive-through window, teaching our child a soccer skill or learning a new computer application. As we grow in patience outside the home, we bring the virtue into the home. Patience with co-workers and store clerks translates into patience with my spouse and children.
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Sometimes, the answer to the question “What have I done for my marriage today?” is “When I got caught in the traffic jam I used it as a chance to pray and think rather than fume.” St. Francis de Sales reminded us that we must be patient with everyone, but especially with ourselves. Our faults and failings may tempt us to reproach ourselves harshly and give in to frustration, even despair. Instead, he said, we need to pick up and move on, trusting that God will help us to do better next time. If we learn to treat ourselves gently, we will be more likely to extend that same charity and understanding to our spouse. Within marriage, patience means discerning what needs to be changed and what needs to be tolerated. On our wedding day we probably considered our spouse practically perfect — then we immediately set out to improve him or her. Of course, we quickly found out that he or she didn’t necessarily
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Wedding Guide 2012
want to be improved. In fact, he or she probably had ideas for our own improvement. Some behaviors and personal characteristics resist change. My husband always takes a long time to get ready, whether for work or a social engagement. I am directionally challenged, so I need repeated instructions about how to get from Point A to Point B. These traits are annoying, but neither of us is likely to change. We need to be patient with each other and learn to work around them. Other behaviors need to be challenged for the good of the marriage. Patience can help to make the challenge effective. One evening, as Mary was paying the bills she found out that Tom had again charged too much to their credit cards. His reckless spending threatened their financial stability. Maryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s first impulse was to storm into the family room and confront Tom. Instead, she gave herself a couple of days to calm down. She developed a strategy to hold both of them financially accountable. When she finally approached Tom, she chose a Saturday morning when they were well rested and could hear what each other was saying. Some behaviors, such as domestic violence, should never be tolerated. Abuse
victims sometimes believe that if they are patient, the abuse will eventually end. Rather, abuse tends to escalate over time and only stops with outside intervention. In addition to being patient with each other, couples need to be patient with the marriage itself. Healthy marriages grow and change. Social scientists point out that a couple can go through seven or more stages of marriage throughout a lifetime. Some stages hold excitement and promise: a child arrives or the couple moves into their dream home. Inevitably, however, couples go through periods of disillusionment and boredom. They may find their spouse unappealing and wonder how they can ever spend the rest of their life with this person. Sometimes a couple may even consider divorce. These stages, although difficult, are normal. With patience, a couple can work
through them and emerge into the next stage with a deepened appreciation of each other and the marriage. Like marriage itself, patience is the work of a lifetime. Each day brings a small opportunity to cultivate the virtue and to grow oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s marriage. From the website www.foryourmarriage. org. Garcia is associate director of the U.S. bishopsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Secretariat for Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth.
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Wedding Guide 2012
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Pittsburgh Catholic 29
When the commander-in-chief is the “father of the bride” By Phil Taylor
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It is the big day everyone has been waiting for — the wedding day. Of course, for the bride and groom, it is the official start of their lives entwined forever. Many of us are familiar with the stories about the hurdles the “father of the bride” must endure to finally have the honor and privilege of escorting “his little girl” down the church aisle. We can all imagine how tough it may be for the average Joe, but what if the father of the bride is the current or former president of the United States — you know, the commander-in-chief. Some interesting first-daughter wedding facts:
• Chelsea Clinton’s July 31, 2010, nuptials had the distinction of having the tightest security ever and was estimated to cost $3 million, by far to date the most expensive first-daughter wedding. It must be good to be the only child of a former president. And by the way, no one can say Bill and Hilary don’t know how to party.
30 Pittsburgh Catholic Magazine
• Jenna Bush’s May 10, 2008, wedding was held on the family farm in Texas. She was listed in Time magazine for her memorable event and excited the entire town of Crawford. Despite the town’s fervor, her wedding was mainly attended by relatives. No wedding crashers, please!
• Caroline Kennedy’s July 19, 1986, wedding consisted of 300 pounds of wedding cake and a colorful ceremony. Mom Jackie planned the event, and her late uncle, Sen. Ted Kennedy, walked her down the aisle. Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger was her matron of honor. Does “Catholic royalty” really exist? Hmmmm.
Wedding Guide 2012
• Amy Carter preferred a low-key wedding on Sept. 1, 1996, skipping luxury in favor of choosing her parent’s home for the ceremony. Married by the bank of a pond, the bride baked her own cake and only told her family of her wedding plans a couple of months in advance. Talk about a “home-spun” event. Hey Amy, can you ramp it up a little? • Julie Nixon’s 1968 wedding to David Eisenhower, grandson of former President Dwight D. Eisenhower, was held before her father took office. The Rev. Norman Vincent Peale officiated at their non-denominational rite in New York City. Settling in Devon, Pa., in 2010, she and husband, David, co-authored “Going Home to Glory: A Memoir of Life with Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1961-1969,” a biography of the former president’s final years after he left the White House. Julie and Dave are a true couple with presidential roots. • Tricia Nixon’s wedding, June 12, 1971, was held at the White House in a grand ceremony with 400 guests. Her elegant gown also became one of the most classic and popular gowns in the 1970s. What a trendsetter!
• Luci Johnson’s Aug. 6, 1966, wedding was held at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, D.C. Luci converted to Catholicism shortly before her wedding. She was 19, and hubby, Pat, 23. The marriage was annulled in 1979. Hopefully, both found their true soulmates and lived happily ever after. • Lynda Bird Johnson’s wedding Dec. 9, 1967, was held in the East Room of the White House. Her new hubby, thenMarine Capt. Chuck Robb, went on to serve two Senate terms and became governor of Virginia. Not too shabby for the son-in-law of the president. Hello young lovers, whoever you are ... and older ones, too. Taylor is an associate editor of the Pittsburgh Catholic.
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Wedding Guide 2012
Catholic trends in marriage mirror society’s, but vision is different By Nancy Frazier O’Brien WASHINGTON (CNS) — Like the number of marriages among Americans in general, the number of marriages performed in the Catholic Church has been in decline over the past few decades. “Since 1972, the number of marriages celebrated in a Catholic church has fallen nearly 60 percent” in the U.S., said Sheila Garcia, associate director of the U.S. bishops’ Secretariat for Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth, citing a study conducted for the secretariat by the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate at Georgetown University and released in 2008. In 1972, there were 8.6 marriages in the church per 1,000 Catholics, but last year the figure was 2.6 church marriages for every 1,000 Catholics, she said. That trend is among the reasons that led the bishops to launch their National Pastoral Initiative for Marriage in 2004 and the related “For Your Marriage” website to help people better understand the Catholic viewpoint on marriage and to strengthen the bonds of couples, whether they are Catholic, married in the church or not. “What we have said is that you need three things to support marriage — a vision, skills and a supportive community,” Garcia told Catholic News Service. “The church clearly offers a vision for marriage. We believe you can have a marriage that is faithful, permanent and open to children. We believe with God’s grace that can be achieved.” Through practical articles on such topics as finance and communications, the website at http://foryourmarriage.org offers tools to help couples strengthen their marriages. A campaign involving television and radio spots, print ads and billboards works to communicate the message that “the church cares about marriage as an institution and cares about your marriage,” Garcia
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said. “You can turn to the church for support.” The 2008 CARA report found that 53 percent of adult Catholics in the U.S. were married, 25 percent had never married, 12 percent were divorced, 5 percent widowed, 4 percent living with a partner and 1 percent separated from their spouse. A new report from the Pew Research Center analyzing Census Bureau data offered similar statistics. It found that only 51 percent of Americans 18 and over were married in 2010, 28 percent had never been married, 14 percent were divorced or separated and 6 percent widowed. The Pew report did not include a figure for those living with a partner. But the Pew study also found that 39 percent of the respondents said marriage was becoming obsolete — an opinion that Brian Barcaro said the vast majority of the 300,000 users of
CatholicMatch.com would dispute. Barcaro co-founded CatholicMatch.com with two others in June of 1999 and said there have been “thousands and thousands” NEVER BEEN MARRIED 25% of marriages resulting from the service since then. CURRENTLY “Overall our members MARRIED would not be very similar” 53% DIVORCED 12% to the average single person surveyed by Pew, Barcaro 5% said. “Their attitudes would 4% WIDOWED be much more positive toward marriage than in the Pew study.” UNMARRIED/ SEPARATED He said “98, 99 percent” LIVING WITH PARTNER of CatholicMatch.com 1% members “come with the idea that they want to Source: Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate, 2008 ©2011 CNS meet someone that could be a future spouse.” The remaining 1 or 2 percent just want a community experience that can provide “perspectives on living life as a single Catholic,” he added. But Barcaro said “one of the myths” about single people today is that they are all “college-age kids, 20somethings.” “We do have a number of members in that age group,” he said, “but the majority are in their very late 20s or 30s or 40s.” Many of them have found themselves 10 or 15 years out of college and discovered that “things did not happen the way I thought they would” in terms of finding a spouse, Barcaro said. “If you don’t meet the love of your life in college, then you get into a job and career and that impacts your social circles,” he added. “In college there are lots of natural social circles, but afterward it becomes much more difficult.”
MARITAL STATUS of U.S. adult Catholics:
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