The Special Calling On Fathers With Daughters

THE THREE ESSENTIALS IN BUILDING A STRONG FATHER-DAUGHTER CONNECTION

I never imagined that my work as a pediatrician would lead me to consult with NFL players in the NFL Fatherhood Initiative about how to be better fathers. What did I have to tell pro football players? The last thing they needed, I assumed, was a grandmother pediatrician. I was wrong. Most of the players I consulted with in the Fatherhood Initiative relate extremely well to older women, partly because many of them grew up without fathers, so they relate well to mother and grandmother types.

Most of the players I interviewed who grew up without a dad expressed inner turmoil and insecurity about their own calling as fathers. They weren’t sure how to be a good father, especially to a daughter, whose emotions and personality felt foreign to them. My job was to assure these dads that they were already hardwired with everything they needed to be a good dad to their little girl. I was simply there to show them what was already inside of them.

One character quality we talked about that is essential to parenting daughters is compassion. Compassion allows a dad to connect with his daughter, no matter her age or stage. But compassion must be practiced and cultivated if it’s going to be something that strengthens your relationship with your daughter.

SO, WHAT ARE SOME WAYS DADS CAN CULTIVATE COMPASSION?

EMPATHIZE. Think back over your own childhood and teenage years. Remember what it felt like to have braces;move to a new place; lose a pet; get dumped by yourgirlfriend. Tap into those memories; it will give you anewfound compassion for the things your daughter isfacing.

EXAMINE. Whether you are religious or not, examining the life of Christ in the Bible as an example of compassioncan be very beneficial. Read the Gospel of Mark. As youdo, you’ll discover no one had compassion like Christ.His compassion was not limited to sympathy. His tendermercy included a willingness to step boldly into the livesof those who were hurting.

ENGAGE. Dads, every day you have an opportunity to cultivate and demonstrate compassion by engaging withyour daughter, rather than brushing her off. Here are somespecific situations in which you can practice this:

• Be patient with her (not frustrated) when she isterrified of the dark.

• Be sad with her when she is sad.

• Get down on the ground with her when she hasfallen and hurt herself.

• Hold her when she says things like “I’m ugly,” “None ofthe boys like me,” “All my friends make fun of me.”

As a father, you are your daughter’s first and most important experience of male love, compassion, and kindness. Whatever your early interactions with her, they will be imprinted deeply on her brain and heart. If you think it’s too late to make a positive impact on her, it’s not. I have seen many fathers turn a girl’s life around with a renewed commitment and demonstration of love. It is never too late. And, you don’t have to be in the NFL to be considered a hero by your daughter. You already are her hero. All you have to do is live into your calling.

/ LISBETH SPLAWN is an experienced actress and writer working closely with internationally-known author and pediatrician Meg Meeker, M.D. Splawn has worked as a broadcast producer and freelance copywriter and editor.