Living in abusive marriage: Who is the real enemy?

By Matthew Ma

Societal and cultural ideologies prefer to discourage any woman who decides to leave apart from an abusive mate. This kind of mentality should be discouraged as we have lost many lives because of the victim adhering to the advice of family members and society to stay in an abusive marriage or relationship for fear of being tagged promiscuous or irresponsible.

“Abusive marriages are by far the saddest aspect of any relationship. Staying in an abusive relationship or marriage is counterintuitive. It is unreasonable, damaging, illogical, implausible, nonsensical, absurd, preposterous, irrational, foolish, sophisticated, and unsustainable.”

There is an adage that says the family is the basic unit of society because it is the family that teaches us social norms, manners, and the way of life for the first time. Family fulfills our basic needs, such as food, clothes, and shelter. It ensures love and security for all the members of the family. From within the family, we begin to develop and maintain social relationships. Although the family is the basic unit of society, this beautiful arrangement made possible by the Supreme Being, God, to raise responsible and noble persons has gradually reached its low point. Reports of unsettled homes and the growing trend of domestic violence are skyrocketing daily. Hence, making families no longer what they ought to be.

For some time, I have avoided writing about domestic violence in marriages. However, the prevalence increase in domestic violence in Nigeria has necessitated this article. Statistics have shown that most Nigerian men have subjected women to several forms of violence in the home ranging from deprivation, stabbing, suffocating, burning, acid baths, poisoning, neglect, verbal insults, degrading comments, torture and intimidation, child marriage, and abandonment. Domestic violence in Nigeria is often shrouded in silence. Recent reports suggest that most victims of domestic abuse shy away from reporting cases of domestic violence due to cultural and religious reasons or fear of stigmatization. People outside the family hesitate to interfere, even when they suspect abuse is occurring. Many times, extended family denies that abuse exists out of loyalty to the abuser and to protect the image of the family. Some people still argue—mistakenly—that intervention by outside sources endangers the sanctity of the home. Thus, shielding perpetrators and abusers from punishment.

In Nigeria today, there is barely a week without evidence of domestic violence in the news. For example, not many Nigerians will forget in a hurry the tragic story of the Nigerian gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu who died after suffering from alleged domestic violence from her husband, Peter Nwachukwu. Peter allegedly kicked Osinachi in the chest, leading to a blood clot that eventually killed her. When the story about the circumstances around her death broke out, the public was shocked and queried how such a gifted singer suffered domestic violence for such a long time without notice. Sadly, Osinachi joins several cases of women across Nigeria whose untimely death and injuries were because of domestic violence by a spouse or an intimate partner. Recall that the Lagos State police had recently arrested one David Idibie, who resides in Ajah, Lagos State, for the death of his 42-year-old wife, Juliana Idibie. The police arrested Mr. Idibie for allegedly beating Juliana to death. They found the body of Juliana in their apartment after a neighbor contacted them. In April 2022, Anulika Uguru, a mother of seven, died in Ebonyi State following alleged domestic violence and wife battery by her husband. The incident took place in EkeruInyimaegu in Izi local government. The state chairman of Human Right Defenders (HURIDE), Sampson Nweke, who spoke to reporters, said the victim, originally from Ndiechi

Onuebonyi Igbagu, had on April 19, reported a case of battery and domestic violence to his office against Sunday Uguru (the husband). Mr. Nweke explained there was a little delay in inviting Mr. Uguru to their office because of network issues in reaching his phone. He added that after a failed attempt to contact Mr. Uguru, he dialed the wife’s phone number only to be answered by another woman who said the phone owner was dead. Mrs. Abimbola, the wife of a car dealer, Ikechukwu Ogbonna, better known as IVD, reportedly passed on in a fire incident. However, the family alleged that their late daughter suffered severe domestic violence and abuse at the hands of her husband before her untimely death. A 31-year-old Tochukwu Christian Edeh gruesomely murdered a 48-yearold Abuja businesswoman, Ijeoma Phillis Chiboli, her lover whom she met on social media. According to the Nigerian Police Force public relations officer, CSP Olumuyiwa Adejobi, trouble started on October 24, 2022, when a heated argument began between both lovers over financial mismanagement. Tochukwu, who allegedly sold Ijeoma’s Toyota Highlander in May 2022, reportedly hit her with a pistol at the upper region of her body. Late Osinachi and these women are just a few Nigerian women who became victims of domestic abuse and suffered extreme physical violence at the hands of their husbands until their deaths.

In a different twist, a young lady, Ozioma Michael, desperate to avert the same fate as Osinachi, canceled her wedding with her fiancé, Mr. David Okike, based on domestic violence. Ms. Michael, on her Facebook page known as Ada Uburu, alleged that her fiancé usually hit and abused her at any slightest provocation. She lamented that her supposed husband has anger issues, beating her with his belt, stick, and broom as his daily routine. Many times, he has beaten her with a hammer. According to Ms. Michael, she met Okike during her secondary school days, but soon after he paid her bride price, he began to show his color. She added that beating her was not a part of their marriage agreement. Hence, she would not live her entire life enduring domestic violence. Therefore, she canceled the traditional marriage and white wedding ceremony between herself and David Okike.

The surge in domestic violence is not new to Benue State. Only last year, the Benue Police Command arrested a 42-yearold man, Mr. Patrick Ejiro, for allegedly beating his wife to death over N5,000. The Police Public Relations Officer, DSP Catherine Anene, who confirmed the arrest, said the husband battered his wife when she allegedly failed to remit the money from the proceeds from the sale of some family items. Preliminary findings revealed that neighbors rushed the victim to Benue State University Teaching Hospital, where she was confirmed dead by a medical Doctor. That same year, the governor of Benue State, Samuel Ortom, reconciled a Channel’s Television reporter, Pius Angbo, with his wife, Ifeyinwa Angbo. Earlier, some media outlets reported how Mrs. Angbo took to Twitter to narrate how her husband abused her. She said Mr. Angbo assaulted her because she advised him to cease spending lavishly on ladies and cater for his four children. Reacting to the trending video, Mr. Ortom said the family is barely six years with four kids. Hence, he felt a young couple of six years must be encouraged instead of trying to separate them. Recently, the court in Benue State remanded a farmer identified as Ternenge Igbaade in Makurdi Correctional Center for allegedly beating his pregnant wife to death. Magistrate Mrs. Erdoo Ter did not accept Igbaade’s plea for bail. She ordered Igbaade to be remanded in the Makurdi Correctional Center and adjourned the case to April 19. Earlier, the prosecutor, Inspector James Ewache, told the magistrate court in Makurdi that Tyoapine Sule of Tse-Agberagba in Konshisha LGA reported the case on February 22, 2023. Ewache, who noted that the victim, Kpadoo, was two months pregnant, met her untimely death when the suspect abandoned her to bleed and die.

While the number of women who have died from domestic violence remains largely unknown, it is vital to note that there are also cases of men who have lost their lives after domestic disputes with their spouses. An example is Biliyaminu Bello, who was stabbed to death by his wife, Mariam Sanda. Later, the Federal Capital Territory High Court found Mrs. Sanda guilty of killing her husband, Bilyaminu Bello. In the early hours of January 24, 2022, a 27-year-old wife, Motunrayo Oluwatoyin, allegedly killed her husband, Alaba Bakare, a 36-year-old businessman and owner of Bama Hotel in the Ojokoro area of Lagos with a hot-pressing iron. According to reports, the violent incident occurred at their home on Finance Road, Maplewood Estate, in the Oko-Oba area of Lagos State. The reports said that Motunrayo accused her deceased husband of infidelity, which resulted in a fight. She afterward stamped a hot-pressing iron on his chest, which later led to his death. She was arrested and charged to court.

In July 2022, the Adamawa Police Command arrested Caroline Barka, a 20-year-old housewife, for stabbing her late husband, Barka Dauda, to death. The police apprehended Barka, a resident of Angwan Tamiya in the Madagali Local Government Area of the state, following a report from a relative of the deceased. Reports said that the accused engaged her late husband, Barka Dauda, in a fight following an argument, which ensued between the couple after the late husband returned home drunk and fell on their one-year-old baby, who was in bed. Angered by his drunkenness, habitual late nights, and failure to provide necessities as a husband, the suspect engaged the deceased in a fight resulting in her stabbing him. He was rushed to the hospital but was later confirmed dead. Furthermore, in July of the same year, the Edo State Police Command arrested Favor Oyhou in Auchi for allegedly stabbing to death her lover, Paul Handsome. The state Deputy Police Public Relations, ASP Jennifer Iwegbu, said that around 7.30 pm in Auchi, Edo State, 25-year-old Paul Handsome was stabbed to death by his girlfriend, Favor Oyhou, who went into hiding but later arrested in Benin on July 25, 2022.

In October, the Borno Police Command arrested one Fatima Abubakar, 25, for allegedly poisoning and killing her husband, Goni Abbah. The state police command later arrested the suspect at Angwan Doki on October 19. The victim, a Chief Imam of the area, returned from the mosque when the suspect (the second wife) allegedly mixed poison in his food and served him to eat. The police said that Mr. Goni started feeling unwell as soon as he started eating. Before long, his condition deteriorated. Neighbors rushed the victim to the State Specialist Hospital, where he received emergency medical attention, but unfortunately, he later died when the couple returned home. In her statement, the suspect, Fatima, said she killed her husband because she was tired of the marriage. She added that she never wanted to marry. She revealed that she got separated from her first husband because she detests marriage but her parents forced her into a second marriage. Because she hates marriage, she killed her husband to be free. In October, the Lagos State Police Command arrested a lady, Esther Paul, for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend, Sadiq Dahiru, to death at Amusa Street, Agungi, in the Lekki area, Lagos. According to reports, Dahiru’s stepfather, Kazeem Obafunso, reported the incident at the Ilasan Police Station after he knew that his stepson died courtesy of his girlfriend. The Police officer who investigated the case rushed Dahiru to Evercare Hospital, where the doctors confirmed his death. Later, Police authorities arrested Paul and deposited the remains of the deceased at the mortuary.

Rev. Ma, S.J, is a Jesuit Catholic priest and PhD candidate in public and social policy at St. Louis University in the state of Missouri, USA.