2: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LEARNING ABOUT YOURSELF

JOEY VELEZ HEALTHY LIFESTYLES CONTRIBUTOR @joeyavelez88

AST MONTH, WE BEGAN DISCUSSING WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE BY INCREASING AWARENESS OF YOUR EMOTIONS AND IMPROVING YOUR ABILITY TO REGULATE THOSE EMOTIONS.

This month, we expand that awareness to understanding the emotions of other people. This awareness is just as important since, and I am going to go out on a limb here, you are a part of some semblance of a team currently, or at the very least, have been in the past. Your own emotions, whether good or bad, can spread like wildfire in the workplace, which adds to the importance of self-awareness and self-regulation. However, being able to read the emotions of other people and understand what they are experiencing has the potential to put out that fire.

Building Social Competence

LSocial competence is your ability to understand other people’s moods, behaviors, and motives in order to improve the quality of the relationship. Tuning into the experiences of other people as you interact with them will help you gather a more accurate view of your surroundings, which, in turn, can ultimately help increase your understanding of the experiences of another individual, can improve empathy, and can improve overall communication. The two components to build social competence are social-awareness and relationship-management skills.

Social awareness is the ability to look outward to learn about and appreciate other people. It is important to note that with social awareness, a key component is to make sure that you are present and able to give your full attention. Our internal monologue can create a narrative that may not be fully accurate, so being present while not anticipating what the other person may say or your own response can help you gather more accurate information. One strategy you can utilize that will help increase social awareness is by figuratively stepping into their shoes, which you can do by asking yourself the question of “if I were this person...”. This question can increase empathy and help you gain a deeper understanding of other people, which can help you identify problems before they escalate. Gathering a new perspective and keeping your biases at bay can make communication efforts more effective, therefore enhancing the relationship.

Relationship management is the ability to use your awareness of your emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully. When it comes to interactions with other people, it is important to note that the connection you have with that person makes a big difference. The weaker the connection you have with someone, the more difficult that conversation becomes because you both don’t have an accurate understanding of each other’s emotions, behaviors, or tendencies.

A way to build your relationship management skills is by being open and curious. Being open refers to sharing information about yourself with the other person. This leaves room for interpretation and helps the other person get an idea of who you are. When talking about being curious, it is taking the same approach, but with the other person. Being interested in the other person’s story not only minimizes the

Mold Your Mind Thoughts Matter: Understanding the Relationship between Thoughts and Behaviors

Velez Mental Performance

I want you to take a moment and think of times where you were caught off guard or were blindsided by a situation. With these situations, choose one where your thoughts and emotions made the situation worse, and also choose one where your thoughts and emotions made the situation better. After reflecting on these two stories, you may have found that the common denominator was how you were thinking in those moments. Oftentimes, we tend to blame how we reacted in the moment is what led to the good or bad result. However, we fail to understand the role that our thinking played that led to our reactions. How you respond cognitively to a situation is doing to directly impact how you react to a situation. Therefore, in order to change the outcome of a situation, or at the very least have more productive outcomes, you first must learn to change your thinking.

Albert Ellis was a psychologist during the 1970s, where many of his clients described him as being somewhat dismissive, but in a helpful way. What Dr. Ellis would do when speaking with a client is often say “to be honest, I don’t care what happened to you. What I care about is how you responded”. He theorized that things happen to us that are typically out of our control. Whether they were good, bad, or neutral things that happen, all triggered the creation of an initial thought about what just happened. Those thoughts would then drive what you felt emotionally and what you did behaviorally. So, for him to say he did not care about what happened, just how you responded, makes a lot of sense. We cannot control what happens to us, but we control how we respond to what happens to us.

I remember being in high school and would always get upset if I did not get invited to things. I would tell myself “They must not like me”, which would lead to experiencing feelings of sadness and would oftentimes lead me to withdraw from my friends. Present day, I will have a friend not text me back, but will text back in a group text. I often think “Why can’t they respond to me?”, which would lead to experiencing feelings of annoyance and frustration and would oftentimes lead me to making a petty comment towards that person.

Reflecting on these times show that my emotions and reactions were hurting the situation. I failed to recognize that maybe they did not know I was not invited, that maybe this person had something else going on that impacted their ability to respond. Either way, how I responded would take away from the friendship instead of adding to.

To change your thinking, start with active reflection. First, describe a situation that happened to you, sticking to just the facts and being objective as possible. Then, identify what were some of your raw and uncensored initial thoughts about that situation. The more specific you can be, the more accurate you are, which will help increase self-awareness about your thinking patterns. Then, identify what those thoughts caused you to feel emotionally and do behaviorally in those moments. Lastly, ask yourself “did my emotions and reactions hurt or help the situation?” and then think about why they helped or hurt the situation. Another way to change you thinking is to identify an important event that you have in the near future where you want to be your best. For example, you have an important work presentation where you are pitching your idea to upper-level management. Identify what emotions and behaviors are going to help you be your best in this moment. Lastly, identify a thought that will lead to these emotions and behaviors. This process may not guarantee success, but allows you to prepare for that moment and can put you in the right frame of mind so that you can perform your best.

Changing the way you think is not easy. Even having these tools in your toolbox, does not guarantee success. However, your thoughts matter because they provide fuel to your actions. Therefore, if you want to see improved performances, if you want to build your resilience, and if you want to increase your overall well-being, that it starts with How you think.