ACCEPTANCE: THE KEY TO LETTING GO

COACH JOEY VELEZ MENTAL WELLNESS CONTRIBUTOR @velezmentalperformance

GO FIND YOURSELF A RUBBER BAND

AND STRETCH IT OUT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. AS YOU ADD RESISTANCE, THE RUBBER BAND GETS THINNER AND THINNER, BUT IT STILL PERFORMING ITS FUNCTIONS.

But what happens when you add too much resistance to that rubber band? SNAP! It breaks it half and you probably have a nice stinging sensation through your hand or finger.

This idea of a rubber band is very similar to the concept of acceptance. As humans, when we are faced with situations that negatively impact our emotions or challenge our beliefs, the build-in response is to resist. If you do not believe it happened or accept that it happened, then everything will be okay...wrong. Because just like the rubber band, eventually you too will “snap”. Practicing the art of acceptance can not only help reduce the impact of negative experiences, but can help you return to your personal baseline, just like the rubber band.

WHAT IS ACCEPTANCE?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has been around since the early 1980s and can be summarized as a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition without attempting to change or protest it. Even with this concept grounded in research, it is often misconstrued and there are misconceptions about what it really means. A phrase I hear a lot when people are trying to offer support is “you just got to accept it”, as I am sure you have heard too. While the intent behind this phrase is all well and good, the execution typically falls flat. People often view acceptance as they are “giving up” on the situation, when in reality you are accepting the situation for what it is and working within the circumstances of the situation in a more effective manner. People often view acceptance as letting go of your emotions completely, when in reality acceptance is more about letting go of the attention you place on those emotions.

Acceptance has always been a challenge for me; however, I recently went through a situation where acceptance was an extremely valuable tool. I have a friend and to say we were inseparable would be an understatement. This person has helped me tremendously both as a person and as a professional, and is someone I value deeply. If I had to put a number on it, 75% of my day was talking to or being around this person. Life was good. But about six months ago, things started to change. That 75% started to drop and drop, and I found myself talking to and being around this person less and less. I could not put my finger on why that was. Even when I brought it to this person’s attention, they reassured me that nothing was wrong. But that 75% continued to drop and I began to notice this person talking to and being around other people, even when I would try to get things back to normal in terms of our relationship, those bids for connection were never met with the same enthusiasm.

I spent the new few months contemplating my actions, why all of a sudden, I was not a piece of this person’s life. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something? Do they not value me anymore? Have they moved on? I journaled and journaled but could not shake this feeling of abandonment by something I thought was my best friend. As I started to read and hear more about Mindfulness practice, it started to dawn on me. Maybe there was not anything I was doing wrong. Maybe there was not anything I did to upset this person. Maybe this person still values our friendship, but is deciding to experience new and different aspects of their life. This has been a challenge for me to truly accept this reality, but the challenge now lies in finding ways to have this deep connection with this person without spending 75% of my day with them and placing my attention away from the counterproductive emotions I experience and on more productive emotions to enhance or maintain the relationship. I cannot control what other people do, but I can my response and what I do. While practicing acceptance has been a challenge, it has helped improve my overall well-being and life satisfaction, as well as the relationship with this person.

Practicing Acceptance

A fundamental key of acceptance is building self-awareness through noticing and questioning. The first thing to do is to notice the resistance you experience from the situation. This can come in the form of disbelief, denial, or defensiveness, but it is noticing what your thoughts and emotions are during this time while doing so in a non-judgmental manner. If you notice you are experiencing the emotion of denial, that is okay, but then it is time to question those patterns of thinking. There are two ways to question your thinking patterns: thinking of your past experiences and how you typically respond. You can ask yourself “have I experience some-