You pushed, NW Natural pulled out Bigfoot! Real! Pissed! OMG CRC WTF ?!?!
“I pity the fossil fools...”
NEWS
AROUND THE REGION
BIGFOOT STEPS FORWARD Mysterious Sasquatch has a way with words on LNG A group of students hiking in Mt. Hood National Forest were exploring the area where NW Natural’s proposed Palomar pipeline would cross the Clackamas River. They came upon a survey stake the company had used to mark the route. The stake had been broken in half and the hikers speculated that an angry beaver had broken it. One joked that perhaps it was Bigfoot. The students left behind literature about the pipeline hoping that others who care about the area would find it and later get in touch with them. Months later someone did. What follows is a conversation with Bigfoot. Weekly: Hello Bigfoot, thank you for coming to talk with us. It’s my understanding that this is the first time that any Bigfoot has purposefully come out of seclusion to interact with humans. Why have you chosen to speak with me today? BF: Well, this is personal. The Bigfoot community is really angry about the proposed Liquefied Natural Gas (LNG) pipeline, which is planned to clear cut right through the Mt. Hood National Forest, the heart of our habitat. There are few places large enough, wild enough and secluded enough to support a healthy Bigfoot popu-
lation, not to mention the myriad of other species who can only thrive in the area. To add insult to injury, the proposed route overlaps and cuts through our primary Bigfoot trail, otherwise known as Mt. Hood Bigfoot Highway. The impacts to this historic transportation route, used for generations by Bigfoots regionally, forces us to speak out against this project. We have no choice, as our last few safe spaces and protected areas are being infringed upon; we must organize and fight back. Weekly: Sounds like pipeline employees wouldn’t want to run into you in a dark grove. Moving on, as you may know, two thirds of all Oregonians get their drinking water from Mt. Hood National Forest. What do you see to be the impacts on the waterways and drinking water coming out of Mt. Hood? BF: First off, I’ll start caring more about Oregonians drinking water as soon as they start caring about the drinking water of other creatures, but I digress. The impacts will be far reaching, some of which won’t be quantifiable until it’s too late. The pipeline cuts through many of the key streams and rivers, which provide drinking water to people, Bigfoots and animals alike. There are 300 creek crossings proposed in Mt. Hood alone and thousands throughout Oregon, which
WHY I’M RIGHT & YOU’RE WRONG By T-Rex Burkholder Listen up, you hippie idiots. It’s T-Fucking-Rex Burkholder, Metro Council President candidate. And maybe you didn’t get the memo, but we have a little TRAFFIC PROBLEM on the I-5 between here and beautiful Vancouver. No, not BC. You know, right over the river? Tax shelter to the stars? Fucking cul-de-sacs and gated communities???? Apartments with BUILT IN PLASMA
SCREENS? Anyway, the developers (whatsup bros?) and I figure we can get a little LA lifestyle going with a massive fucking highway project! The Columbia River Crossing!!! Let me spell this out, because I can see you stoners looking confused and getting all weepy on me: over the river we’re used to things generally going our way, ya dig? And this traffic is downright INCONVENIENT for us. Almost as much of a hassle as having to jump across state lines twice a day to dodge those pesky
would threaten salmon habitat and seriously degrade key habitats and water sources. The pipeline construction, use and maintenance would lead to extensive erosion and dump a ton of sediment into our already struggling waterways. Our water would simply be given over to NW Natural to destroy. It’s sad. Really sad. Sometimes I just don’t understand your species. Weekly: I want to respect your request that we only speak about the pipeline impacts, but I have to ask, how do you stay so buff ? BF: Heh, no problem. We eat mostly leafy greens and berries and enjoy the occasional cedar-planked salmon. Staying hidden from all of you crazies keeps us in shape. Weekly: Bigfoot, are you and your family concerned about climate change? BF: Of course, what do you think, we’re ignorant? We live in seclusion from hu-
mans but our communities, as well as those of our animal allies, have our own complex ways of understanding the world around us. We live it everyday. I don’t know what is wrong with humans. The answers are right in front of their faces yet they don’t see them and instead create complex and ineffective solutions like carbon trading. A recent study by the wilderness society concluded that Mt. Hood is the 6th best carbon storage sink in the US! Protect Mt. Hood and we have a real solution to climate change. But will the humans see? Will they act? Weekly: Thank you so much Bigfoot, I think our readers will greatly appreciate your introspection and willingness to come forward on this issue. In closing, is there any part of the human culture that intrigues you? BF: I’ve been hearing a lot about a “foot massage”. I’d love to check that out sometime.
taxes! If it wasn’t for all “my screens”, I might have missed the new season of celebrity apprentice. The Donald. I fucking love that guy! PRIORITIES people. This city doesn’t need to be a shining beacon of light! Who gives a rat’s ass about being a model of smart, progressive policies? Fuck coming up with “creative” solutions to this problem! Where you living, some kind of fantasy world? Want a monorail or something? Head down to Disney Land you beatnik bastards! Tell Mickey I said what’s good. And expanding the MAX? That’s like, what, a big car, only instead of talk radio on my stereo and American Idol on my screens I get yelled at by poors and robbed at knifepoint??? No thank ya ma’am!!! NOW, spending like 5 billy or whatever to build this badass bridge (like 20 lanes or some shit!!!), now that’s what I’m talkin’ bout y’all. We’re thinking it’s probably gonna move the congestion, like, all the way down to the goddamn Rose Quarter! And what’s the big deal with that? It’s just a bunch of Taco Bells, Sunglass Huts and shit! And if the folks there get uppity, we’ll just widen the whole shit like, through the whole damn city man.
SERIOUSLY y’all, we’re projecting literally SEVERAL years of congestion-free, fast-as-shit rush hours between here and the ‘Couv. Home in time for Glenn Beck. As you can see, we commissioned that dude for one of his charts laying out why you’ve all got to tighten your belts and pay the fuck up for this shit. It’s a real work of art and we only dropped like 2 mil on it! Ballin! I see some of you flower power morons still aren’t convinced, saying like, “we’re attracting some of the world’s greatest talent due to our growing reputation as America’s most walkable, bikeable, livable, progressive environmental city yatta, yatta” and, you know what? You’re RIGHT! You’re totally right. And what better way to build on that rep than by ramming through the most bigass highway system in the freaking world through this biotch??? People could tear ass from one of those “walkable communities” to another faster than I can change the channel when a fully-clothed woman is on the screen running her yap. Tourists’ll love that shit! So open up those wallets and get with the fucking program on this bridge thing! And remember, this May vote “T.” Rex Burkholder for Metro President!
NEWS
FOSSIL FOOLS
BARRY OLIVER DEFYING SAFETY, ENVIRONMENTAL & LABOR STANDARDS SINCE 2004
Is Chinook Ventures, a petroleum coke importing/exporting operation owned by Canadian businessman Barry Oliver, operating illegally on the Columbia? It sure sounds like it, according to concerned Longview, Washington residents and the Washington Department of Ecology who were there to witness a mile-long spill on the Columbia River next to the Chinook facility in early February. Oliver faces a $40,000 fine from the state for the spill, which was estimated to contain 25-50 cubic yards of petroleum coke. It is not only a threat to the health of the river, but occurred within a week of Longview’s decision to pump drinking water from an aquifer that runs directly under Chinook Ventures. The facility, which opened in 2004, has been fined $150,000 by the Washington Department of Ecology for operating without proper permits, and $92,000 by the South West Clean Air Agency for failure to properly remove asbestos and control chemical emissions. The Oregonian reported that the state began approaching Mr. Oliver four years ago for proper permits and finally chided his company last March for lack of regulation as well as environmental concerns. A three page list of air and water violations include storing and shipping raw materials outside without pollution control and crushing toxic aluminum anodes without emissions controls. Columbia Riverkeeper is also suing the company on the grounds that they have been violating the Federal Clean Air Act and are asking that production cease until proper regulation is in place to maintain clean water and protect endangered salmon. Despite the fines and lawsuits, business as usual continues at Chinook. The International Longshore and Warehouse Workers Union has also targeted Chinook. They picketed last April, demanding that the company hire union and pay their workers area standard wages. Oliver reported to the Daily News of Cowlitz County that he is paying his workers less than union standards, albeit fairly. Cowlitz County Deserves Better, a local watchdog group asks on their website “Has anyone you know expressed concerns about dangerous working conditions, or had to sign a ‘confidentiality’ agreement to keep their job [at Chinook Ventures]?” Shoddy business practices that enrage state officials, unions, and environmentalists? Sounds like a Rogue.
PGE AIMS FOR TRANSPARENCY In response to growing criticism over its plan to keep burning coal in Oregon for ten years, Portland General Electric held a news conference today clarifying its plans for Oregon’s Boardman Coal Plant. “Environmental groups are wrong to criticize us for keeping Boardman open”, said a company spokesperson. “Greenies have to realize that PGE’s purpose is to make money for rich shareholders, not protect the environment or human health.” PGE explained the biggest obstacle to fulfilling its pledge to enrich shareholders at any cost is environmental and health advocates complaining about the impacts of coal-generated electricity. “24% of our energy comes from coal plants like the one in Boardman—and a bunch of health freaks are trying to change that,” said the spokesperson, “For thirty years we’ve been operating out of compliance with the Clean Air Act, and now these people want us to clean our act up. How unreasonable is that?” Asked whether Oregonians have been hurt by pollution from Boardman, the spokesperson shrugged. “Maybe a few kids with asthma, and I guess we’re contributing to the global warming
that’s melting Mt. Hood. But I frankly don’t see that as our problem.” Today’s press conference was prompted by the company’s feeling that it needed to clarify why a proposed plan to keep Boardman open until 2020 makes sense. According to the spokesperson, “Originally we thought we’d get to keep burning coal without pollution controls until 2040. Then these environmental wise guys came and sued us, and the state said we’d have to put on controls by 2014 or else shut down the plant and transition to clean energy.” What the company did next was a neat piece of political maneuvering. “We offered to close down Boardman in ten years,” said the spokesperson, “but only if we get to keep violating the Clean Air Act. If the State of Oregon won’t let us break the law, we’ll keep burning coal until mid-century, and cook the planet in the process.” “It’s a new day for PGE,” said the company spokesperson. “We’ve decided to stop pretending we care about the planet, and focus instead on full transparency. Our customers need to understand that we’re actually proud to make rich people richer.” A dreamy look came over the spokesperson’s face as the news conference concluded. “The great thing about coal,” he explained, “is you can burn it cheap and let somebody else worry about the health costs. Things like the Clean Air Act just get in the way. If burning coal makes a few kids unhealthy—well, someone else can just worry about that.”
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Just before we went to print, NW Natural announced its plans to cancel the Palomar Pipeline project. The company released the following statement: “As a company working to build an ethical code as strong as our public relations team, we’ve decided to stop our involvement in Liquefied Natural Gas and completely cancel the Palomar Pipeline project. LNG would only fuel more wars over resources and promote human-rights abuses related to resource extraction around the globe. In addition, we would like to apologize to the thousands of threatened landowners and Mt. Hood-lovers who have tirelessly worked to defend what they love - Oregon.”
Tim Boyle, Columbia Sportswear President and CEO, sits on the NW Natural Board of Directors. The NW Natural board is aggressively pushing the construction of the LNG Palomar Pipeline through Mt. Hood National Forest and parts of the Pacific Crest Trail.
BACK COVER
Happy Fossil Fools Day! www.Cascadiarisingtide.org TREES TAKE TO THE STREETS Three Lovely Ladies I saw you trees stacked in front of the US Forest Service Blow locked together in front of the door to doors to NW Natural’s downtown office, Out Sale!
I SAW YOU
FOR SALE
NW Natural‘s office. Hootin, hollering and raisin’ hell about all those nasty clearcuts NW Natural wants to create with their LNG pipe through Mt. Hood. I like your style: make it a foursome? Date: 8/04/08
holding down the entrance all day. You set my heart free when you brought the fight to their door! You: Ragin’ pile of voluptuous trees Me: Wild Clackamas River Date: 1/23/08
NO MORE KILLING
STEALING PUBLIC FUNDS
I saw you taking to the streets to demand answers and accountability for two murders by Portland police in the past two months. No one is above the law, not even the police. Let’s stand together & protect our communities! Date: 2/19, 4/22, 4/23
Hey cutie with your neck u-locked to the doors of NW Nasty’s-er-Natural’s office building. Thanks for putting your neck on the line. U-lock to me sometime? Where: NW Natural 220 NW 2nd in Portland When: 4/22/08
Take Out Dams, Not Sea Lions I saw you shamelessly executing 6 sea lions so far this spring for the crime of eating. Even your own biologists’ reports are showing that killing sea lions does nothing to protect salmon. If you really care about endangered salmon you would quit wasting your time and money on killing protected marine animals. You: Oregon Department of Fish & Wildlife Me: sealiondefensebrigade.org Where: Bonneville Dam
Where did all those millions of dollars of public funds go? I want them back! Lets put it towards something tangible and create jobs now, instead of squabbling over a Columbia River Crossing no one wants and spending $134 million dollars on an elaborate PR campaign! You: Columbia River Crossing Consultant Team Me: Portland & Vancouver residents
NO “RIGHT OF WAY” FOR CORPORATE PROFITS! What were you doing yesterday sneaking around my house with those nasty plans to lay a pipeline right through my property. You make me sick! Your pipeline ‘right of way’ would cut through my farm, and leave a huge strip down the middle where nothing can grow! No one gave you permission to enter my property and you better believe we are gonna keep those lawsuits coming! You: shiesty Palomar Pipeline employee Me: small farmer threatened by eminent domain Location: my farm, Washington County When: repeated incidents
Don’t Shit Where You Drink! Don’t think no one saw you that other
I saw you 100,000 strong on night up on Mt Tabor taking a dump in the streets of Copenhagen this December. You came from all across the globe to disrupt the UN Climate Convention and demand system change, not climate change. You let them know the world won’t settle for the profit-driven sham of the so-called ’negotiations.’ You: activists world wide When: December 12, 2009 Where: Copenhagen
the reservoir. That’s our drinking water! It’s bad enough you and your corporate cronies are trying to stick a natural gas pipeline through our water source on Mt. Hood; but seriously, a dump right in the water reservoir! You- Gregg Kantor, CEO NW Natural Me: Concerned citizen Date: 3/26 Where: Mt. Tabor Reservoir
Oregon’s Old-Growth & Native Forests for sale. Only 5% left! ALL FORESTS MUST GO! Think of all the board-feet on those 500 year old trees! A deal like this only comes around once in a millennium! Buy now & kill more endangered species at no additional cost. (Cost of dangerous pesticides, runoff and landslides not included.)
We screw up here.
Upcoming Spring & Summer Events Sunday April 11th Bark About Hike Free hike to a site of the Proposed Palomar Pipeline on Mt. Hood. One of the best ways to help stop LNG development in Oregon is to get on the ground and see what is threatened for yourself. The Palomar Pipeline threatens to clear cut some of our remaining ancient forests in Mt. Hood National Forest. By witnessing our forests as they stand today, you will be a stronger advocate for their future! Meet at Hollywood Trader Joes parking lot @ 9AM sharp! More info: www.bark-out.org Thursday April 22nd BARK NEPA 101 Training Ever wonder how Bark actually stops a logging project? Well, just pointing out public opinion sometimes isn’t quite enough. When the Forest Service and the BLM propose projects that are threatening our wild lands, we use the biggest, most powerful tool in our policy toolbox: the National Environmental Policy Act of 1969. Come join us to learn how to put this useful law into effect to protect your favorite places. www.bark-out.org Friday, May 21st Greenwasher of the Year Award Ceremony Don’t miss Portland‘s most glamorous night of the year! We will be presenting awards to the people and projects that have spent the most time, energy and money ‘greening’ their public image while remaining as environmentally-hostile as ever on the inside. Bring your friends, family, lovers, pets, cause this one’s gonna be off the hook! With special guests: The Sprockettes, The Dapper Cadavers, and MORE!! 7PM; location TBA; pdxgreenwasher.wordpress.com Thursday, May 27th (pre-protest art-make, Saturday, May 15th) RALLY @ NW Natural Annual Shareholder’s Meeting! Pissed off about NW Natural’s plans for their Palomar Pipeline to clear cut Mt. Hood, pillage local farms and landowners, and damage our watersheds all in the name of profit? Well do something about it! The annual shareholder’s meeting is the perfect time to come tell NW Natural and their investors that Liquefied Natural Gas is a BAD investment for Oregon. Come join the rally! For more info: www.heynwnatural.org/events July 7th-12th Trans & Womyn’s Action Camp: TWAC= The lovely Sound of Smashing Patriarchy! Come & join us this summer for a fun-filled gathering of camping, skill shares, and activism on Mt. Hood. TWAC is for folks who identify as any variety of gender variant and underrepresented genders to build skills in a supportive, empowering and encouraging environment. Last year’s camp hosted diverse workshops ranging from home fermentation and DIY reproductive health to non-violent direct action and basic tree climbing. For more info: twac.wordpress.com