freedom was limiting my life

THE DEEPER MEANING OF FREEDOM.

by Sandy C. Newbigging

For decades, my desire for freedom was subtly creating a number of self-imposed prisons that were severely limiting my life. Let me explain. Freedom has always been an important value for me. So much so, my need to always maintain freedom influenced the majority of my decisions, and I managed to ‘successfully’ set up my life so I would never end up stuck.

Working for myself helped massively towards this goal. I was able to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted, wherever I wanted. I never considered owning a home, as renting ‘gave me more flexibility’ and ensured I wouldn’t end up trapped somewhere I didn’t like.

Marriage was also a big ‘no-no’ for me. If ever asked if I’d get married, I would say that ‘I didn’t believe in the institution’, when the truth was, I didn’t want to get stuck with the wrong woman. Planning ahead was also stressful and hard for me. In my business, I would announce events with so little advance warning that I’d often receive responses like: ‘I would have loved to attend your event, but I already have plans’.

When travelling, I would always book flights and hotels last minute, often finding limited availability and incurring higher prices. And if I ever wanted to host a social gathering, again, my requests of ‘Are you free tonight or this weekend?’ would usually be met with ‘Sorry, it’s too late notice for me, next time…’

Then one day, when working with my therapist, I discovered that my ‘extreme-freedom’ way of engaging in life was actually a trauma response. What? How could wanting freedom ever be a bad thing? As with most things, it depends upon our intent and real reasons for wanting what we want.

Our intentions are the more subtle, often unconscious, reasons why we want what we want. For example, we may say we want to meet someone and be in a relationship. Our intent can be positive – to connect, love or share our life with someone. Or our intentions can be to escape loneliness or avoid the terrifying prospect of dying alone! Perhaps this is a rather extreme example, but I really want you to get the point. We can want positive things – freedom, love or even a Ferrari –but not always for purely positive reasons. When our intent is fear-or-traumabased, then it can end up having a detrimental impact on our results and life. For me, my short-term thinking and last-minute way of living was limiting my business success, wasting my money, messing with my home life, and limiting my access to deeper love and connection –both with my partner and my friends and family.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve gained from my work as a trauma-aware therapist is this: Our adult problems are usually our childhood solutions. Meaning, the root causes of our negative patterns or problems today often stem from an earlierlife trauma response.

For instance, when I was a child, I got bullied at school but had to keep going. I was also dragged to church for a few hours every Sunday - against my will and sometimes kicking and screaming. As a response to these early-life traumatic experiences, I grew up with a need to rebel against any apparent control or influence over me or my life.

As an adult, I would proudly declare that I lived a free life, but in all honesty, my last-minute way of working was just a symptom of an underlying fear of ever feeling constrained or controlled, like I’d felt as a child. Perhaps ironically, my fear-based freedom also made me more controlling, which took a lot of selfhonesty to finally admit!

Since healing this trauma, I’ve been amazed to find true freedom within commitment, plus empowerment in making longer-term plans – due to increased options and choices. How’s it changed my life? I’ve not only found more inner peace and ease, but I’m currently in the process of building a ranch in Northern Mexico - with my wife!

I still love freedom; it continues to be a high value for me. But freedom no longer controls or limits me. How might my story help yours? Are your intentions positive and coming from the purest place? Are any of your adult problems a childhood solution to something?

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