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Heartily Cosigning Defying Labels Serena Williams is the definition of a Souljah. In February’s Own we salute her and heartily cosign the message she shares in her campaign for car manufacturer MINI.
CONTENT
04 Editor’s Note 06 Heartily Cosigning Defying Labels 10
February’s Own That Hayet Rida
34 Seek Ye First An Ode To Self 40 Inspired Confidence | 10 Ways To Fake It Till You Make It
42 Reading Lit 44 Press Play 46 Eye Candy Kaysha 48 Feature An Exciting First Date Doesn’t Have To Break The Bank
50 Feature My Funny Valentine 60 Movie Review Netflix, Nollywood & Chill | Fifty
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Heartily Cosigning Love Your Imperfections So many of us go through life struggling to accept who we are. We look in the mirror and see a mirage of discontent. We hold on to our flaws instead of celebrating life as we should and embracing who we are.
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ON THE BLOG Souljah Monologues You Can’t Hurry Love
“Bag myself a man?” From what supermarket? What aisle? Can he be custom-made? Can I self checkout?
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ON THE BLOG Subliminal Truths I Hate Fake People You see, sometimes unsolicited information will land at your feet that will make you think long and hard about how much of yourself you give, the people you trust and the people you surround yourself with. You may be left thinking what the flying fudge cake while you sip on the tea?
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ON THE BLOG Reflections What Is True Beauty? Can you be more beautiful than you already are? No. Sure, every car needs a fresh coat of paint and a few new pin stripes but the real, true beauty comes from within your chassis.
oing straight to the heart of what ASH is all about and why I G launched it in the first place, this year I will be sharing inspiring
stories of deep soul-searching and self loving under the Souljah of the month features. If you have a story that fits our definition of what it means to be a Souljah (see page 6) and would love to cover one of our quarterly issues, I would love to hear from you. Each issue will be led by a cover story and the themes discussed within it will all be related, sourced or written by this one woman army and incorporating some of the best bits from the blog. It is the month of love so I decided to launch the monthly series with an amazing story of self-love. Blogger extraordinaire That Hayet Rida is our first cover girl (see page 10). I reached out to Hayet when I started sourcing potential features for #SOTM and she asked no questions except for when? We arranged a Skype call and the rest as they say is herstory. She also encouraged me to push the boundaries a little further by suggesting an exclusive photo shoot while she was out in Accra, Ghana in October.
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Editor’s
Note So what was meant to be a simple monthly column on the blog slowly began to blossom into a brand new creative vision in my mind and I have her to thank for the inspiration. Towards the end of our conversation she said; “Hurry up and go work for some magazine so I can be on the cover.” Little did she know that a cover of sorts is exactly what she was going to get! There can be no better way to honour women who remain steadfast in their pursuit of purpose, while standing firmly on their feet no matter what life throws at them. Thanks to my broski Kwame Appah of OneFotos for making such beautiful images happen, under very short notice. Thanks also to glam angels Afua Rida and Claudia Mensah for jumping on board. My only creative direction was bright and bold colours against a green or floral backdrop. I got back images too gorgeous for just another blogpost! Never expected it but voila! Here we are. Enjoy and I welcome suggestions and comments souljahsheart@gmail.com
Inspired by
@thathayetrida Powered by
@royaume_xoxo
Cover Credits
Image Credits
flaticon.com photofunia.com
pexels.com facebook | instagram
Photography:
@onefotos Styled by:
@afuarida Hair & Make-up:
@__haute__ Dress by:
@christiebrowngh
Hearrtily Cosigning
“...Those Who Defy Labels Define Themselves...”
Portrait of aSouljah Souljahs
do not dwell on negativity. They brush it off like dust on their shoulders and keep it moving.
A Souljah is anyone who has gone through hard times and fought against adversity. A Souljah’s strength comes from within, strength of mind, body, soul and character. A true Souljah learns from her mistakes, takes responsibility for her actions and gains the strength to never back
Souljah is someone who knows no limits to her own power and God-given abilities. A Souljah serves and is never afraid to stand up for what she believes in and for that she is
down. A
prepared to fight!
6 A Souljah’s Hearrt
| Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own
No one encompasses the meaning of what it takes to be a Souljah better than Serena Williams. In her own amazing way, she shows us how to triumph in the midst of all the heartache that comes with hatred and prejudice. She says; “Being labeled only made me stronger.” She is a great example of how to block out negativity, maintain your focus and keep soaring. ASH heartily cosigns these words of advice incorporated into Defying Labels; an advertising campaign for car manufacturer MINI:
WARRIOR SURVIVOR
A Souljah’s Heart
STRONG&FIERCE
BEAUTIFULMIND
Hearrtily Cosigning
“I have had to deal with a lot of labels. Too strong, too sexy, too focussed on tenis, mean. Too strong what does that mean? I don’t know. It just means that I am stronger than you. Getting past those labels for me is pretty much really easy. Because I define myself. It always motivates me to be the best that I can be and to go out there and do nothing less than to win... Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks, about what anyone else says or how anyone else would want to label you. No one can define you. Only you can define you.”
WATCH campaign: www.bit.ly/ashmini
A Souljah’s Hearrt | Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own
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Live Believe Love Do not define her by something as shallow as her looks. Define her by her heart, her compassion, her strength, her fire and above all else the thorns she treads upon so very gracefully. For Serena, for every woman who knows what it is like to walk in her shoes, for our daughters so that they may never have to walk in them.
@asouljahsheart
www.women4africa.com
THAT HAYET RIDA is
February’s Own Interview by Pamilerin Beckley
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| Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own
A Souljah’s Hearrt | Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own 11
Cover Story
February’s Own #SOTM | Souljah Of The Month F ebruary’s
own The most essential aspect of Enjoy as we talk #SOTM is a Brand self-love is snatching back The Body Talk and Strategist whose roots how she werks it your power and taking full lay firmly in Ghana, and stays devoted control and ownership of West Africa while she to loving herself slays the streets of your emotional, physical and unapologetically while Chicago, in the United sharing her journey spiritual well being. States of America, with the world. ensuring that she werks the walk as much as ASH: Congratulations Hayet. I’ve seen all she talks the talk! the amazing things that you are doing. Through the computer screen, Hayet’s confidence is admirable as well as enviable. HR: Thank you! You were with me from the Yet as she declares during our heart to beginning. heart, pictures can be deceiving. The confidence is sometimes lacking and it takes ASH : I am just happy that people are paying a commitment to working on it, to maintain attention. Beauty comes in various shapes it. That coming from the forever camera- and colours. We are finally getting some ready face behind the Hayet Is On A Diet “real” love. There is a problem when we put women in boxes as far as beauty is hash tag came as a surprise to me. concerned. We almost got to a place where This recent Fashion Bomb Daily bombshell “natural” beauty became a cliche with is a Souljah who proves that beauty is what seemingly negative connotations and I beauty does and that the most essential part am loving this new normal of appreciating of self-love is snatching back your power a variety of beauty beyond stick thin, and taking full control of your emotional, mermaid hair and excessive make up. physical and spiritual wellbeing. Souljahs do not dwell on negativity. They brush it off like HR: I think it is easier in America. Just dust on their shoulders and keep it moving. getting Ghana there is the interesting part. I always leverage the fact that I am Ghanaian There were many great takeaway moments to help drive that conversation. Regardless from this conversation as you will find out of everything I have accomplished, when I for yourselves but the most remarkable one went home, I still got it so there is still a lot is Hayet’s reiteration that we all share the of work to be done. same story. That goes straight to the heart of what ASH is all about; a solid reminder ASH : The conversation has started so that’s that you are not alone but probably most a good thing. Can you recall that moment importantly, an extension of a willing heart when you decided to open up and share and a listening ear as we all strive to survive your personal journey to weight loss which in between the layers of love, rather than seamlessly evolved into a journey of self perish on the litter of pain and heartbreak. rediscovery and self love? ASH is a one woman army on a mission. We are all in this battle called life together.
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HR: Interestingly enough I have always been very public from when I was younger.
| Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own
I am the kind of girl who shares what is going on with her. I am totally fine with that but what people don’t understand is that I am selectively public so I might be public about my career in one phase of my life and then I may be public about my family so I alternate what I am public about. It is my way of protecting myself and then with the weight loss, I was already sharing so much about me and sharing my everyday was incomplete without it because that was a part of my everyday. Naturally I just started sharing it. However you might notice now that there is a switch. I don’t talk about it anymore. Because what happened was I got everybody’s attention on my weight loss and it actually had a damaging effect. I’d have people say to me in person; “But in the picture you posted on Facebook you looked smaller and you look much bigger now,” and it all became too much for me. The new Hayet started after I put on about 30 pounds. I was distraught and embarrassed thinking no one knows me this way, everyone had built up a trust, people looked up to me post #HayetIsOnADiet, and there I was much bigger with a tub of ice cream in my hand. So I asked myself what’s next and I had to have a hard conversation with myself and I said you have to be able to be confident, you have to love yourself. Even though I was slightly bigger, I am not as big as I was before and even when I was 100 lbs bigger, or about 100 lbs, I had so much more confidence. I had to teach myself how to be confident and take people along on this journey but before I could take people along I had to share the back story. Stories I have never shared. With Growing Up Fat In Ghana, I always tell people I wrote that my whole life. I just decided to publish it one day. Everything that has ever happened to me has been writing that article. And then the Dating While Plus Size one, I got a bit of backlash for it because everybody thought I was pointing at a specific person but I have also been writing that for years.
There is a problem when we begin to put women in boxes as far as beauty is concerned. We almost got to a place where “natural” beauty became cliche with seemingly negative connotations and I am loving this new normal of appreciating a variety of beauty beyond stick thin, and sharing the spotlight.
“
When a woman has the power to look at another woman and tell her she is beautiful, it means that she is secure in her own beauty.
“
Cover Story Your experiences write these things I haven’t only dated one person my whole life and the best part is when I write about something, that means I am over it. Because for me to get it out in such depth is the final finish line.
but that is okay. Everyone wants to point out what is wrong with the next person. Especially if you are bigger, people always want to talk out your health and I am sorry but you are not with me in the doctor’s office, you have no idea what is going on inside my body. You are not a doctor. When you get your license, show it to me. The nitpicking needs to stop and we’ll be halfway there.
ASH: I am happy you mentioned those two articles because they are the two articles I want to discuss with you. Growing Up Fat In Ghana for starters. That piece touched and torched various nerves in my heart and Also I think women are so much stronger soul. I can assure you that it is not just Ghana. now. We have more power to be able to do I think this is an African thing. My concern is things but innately we are very sensitive to the fact that many do not realise how they other people’s emotions and how they feel affect the psyche of about us. We will put on People need to be okay children as they grow with themselves and stop a specific outfit because up and how some of looking to other people for we think that it is the the statements that reassurance of themselves. kind of thing that would they make often leave get us more Instagram others emotionally likes for example. scarred, with a lack of confidence and a low Generally so many of us do certain things self esteem. based on how other people will react to us. If every body just cut that out a bit, it would How do you think that we as a community help too. can grow past this? What can we do to get past this stage? That was one of my biggest changes. Before I went out or did anything I would HR: I am tempted to leave my response always ask someone’s opinion of what I was at everyone just needs to mind their own wearing and I know it is a girl thing. I would damn business because that is actually the send pictures asking should I wear this and simplest answer. A lot of self esteem issues the moment you feel the need to ask that, or insecurities actually come as a transfer you are already not secure. Now I text Afua of someone else’s insecurities. So when a lot, daily and I’ll say look at the outfit. By somebody calls you fat, they themselves the time I send her the picture I am already are actually insecure about something. And out of the door so instead of should I wear they project it and it comes out that way. this it is hey look at what I am wearing or this You look for the worst in others to make is what I did with the shoes you bought me. It’s yourself feel better about yourself. that kind of conversation. That for me was a big switch. Because I realised that when When a woman has the power to look at I ask you for your opinion, you are going to another woman and tell her she is beautiful respond based on whether you would wear it means that she is secure in her own beauty. it or pass judgements based on what you So she is able to look at someone else and generally think a plus size person should acknowledge that they are beautiful too. It wear. Not if it works for me. is about everyone individually figuring out how to be comfortable with themselves. ASH: And everybody has their own individual Because if we all did that no matter what style. size you are or what your background is, if everybody just did that, there would be less HR: Yes. People need to be okay with criticism. And then as a result we would be themselves and stop looking to other able to look at people, not through the lens people for reassurance of themselves. of our personal preferences, but to look at people and say they are different from me
A Souljah’s Hearrt | Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own 15
Cover Story ASH: You said that even when you went to Ghana recently you still got it. So how do you deal with the criticism? How do you shift the focus from negativity to being the best version of yourself? HR: I just don’t listen anymore. Before if someone commented on my weight, I would internalise it, I would think about it for so long. Now I actually don’t carry it. A few people still called me ogbolo when I went and I thought is that all you’ve got? I kept it moving. Sometimes I clapback but I tend to save them for people closest to me and with them I can actually have a conversation about how their words make me feel. From other people I just don’t hear it anymore. And it is probably the hardest thing to teach someone to do because I don’t even know how I did it. I think I just got to the point where I was tired of carrying somebody else’s emotional baggage.
I just got to the point where I was tired of carrying somebody else’s emotional baggage. ASH: Interesting that you said it’s the hardest thing to teach someone because I think one thing that has come with this territory is that there will be many young women looking up to you and thinking I wish I had her confidence.
You have to keep doing things to build and boost your confidence. It doesn’t just happen. But I always tell myself you have to work on it. You have to keep doing things to build and boost your confidence. It doesn’t just happen. So some days I wake up tired and groggy and that usually means I am going to tear myself apart. Every dress looks awful, that kind of stuff. It is those days when I don’t feel my best that I make the most effort to look good. In doing so I boost my confidence a whole lot and I feel better. So that’s what I mean by fake it till you make it. For the shoot that I just did with Rue 107, there was one look in particular that I struggled with; a green and black two piece with trousers. That was so hard for me because I don’t like wearing trousers because of my thighs and my stomach and it was fitted! I just said to myself everybody is looking at you and waiting on you, so you have to make it work and the images turned out great. Someone will look at those images and say OMG Hayet you are so confident and all I can say is if you were in my mental process at that point, to see how much I had to talk myself through it, you would understand that no one hands you confidence on a platter. You have to work for it.
HR: Oh my goodness! I probably get like 5 to 10 emails a week. When an article comes out I get hundreds of emails a week but in between there are still random people who send me thoughts and comments. I get so many of those emails. Sometimes it is hard for me to reply to them because there are people who say to me teach me and I am sitting there thinking I can’t. ASH: In that kind of scenario what pieces of yourself do you give hoping that they find it helpful and inspiring? What do you say? HR: My number one line is fake it till you make it. Sometimes when I am out at a photoshoot I am not that confident. Confidence is a fluid emotion. Some days it’s so high. Other days not so much. Like the weather it changes.
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| Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own
Hayet Rida for Rue 107
Cover Story ASH: I guess it is a mental thing. It starts from the inside and then works its way out. You have to start with being kind to yourself and giving yourself those positive affirmations.
Plus Side of Dating. That is probably the deepest piece I have read from you.
HR: And it got me on so much trouble. I usually don’t write based on what people Not sure whether I can credit a cocktail of request. I write what I want to write. But the prevailing cultures of patriarchy and so many people emailed me asking about misogyny for this one, but we have a lot of my dating life or how it is to date at my size young girls who have been conditioned into because... and then they will share their thinking that looking good for a man, and his personal story. So what I did was I reached own definition of good by the way, not ours, out to a lot of those women and I said I am is how you get him and keep him. Having going to write about this but can I use your that man on your arm is what completes us story? The reason why I never wrote about as good women. What’s your take on that? it is because relationships are very sacred to me. I didnt know how to write about it HR: As for dressing to impress I have without it coming across as an attack on been there. Do I people I have been I had guys telling me how they still do it a little bit? with. So what I did never thought about how Absolutely. It is a part was I brought in the things they said to their of us as women. But I everybody’s story. girlfriends would effect them. If you read it again remember one day, a really close friend who is like a sister to me, probably just about 10 percent of it is my she told me that when you walk into a club, story. I was able to use my experiences a man doesn’t see your outfit. The right to talk about the situation in general but kind of man will see the attitude with which because I didn’t put the women’s names it you are wearing that outfit. The wrong all sort of just meshed well together which kind of man will see your outfit or focus on is fine as that was what I wanted it to do. your boobs or how the dress frames your butt and it’s a tough culture that we live in No matter who these women were, we all because men especially often identify and had the same story. It was just a different define us by our body parts. You’ll see a lot guy, different age, different country maybe of guys throw out a name Amy for example. but everybody had the same story. So I Ask Amy who and you get oh the one with the know it touched a lot of people. When I put big ass. I’ll be the first to call them out and out something and it does well I track it. I ask Is that all you know her for? think Growing Up Fat In Ghana had almost 100,000 views. But this one I stopped It is also instinctive I guess as evolution tracking after 110000 views. Growing wants us to keep making babies and Up Fat In Ghana was good for a niche attracting the opposite sex is an integral Ghanaian/African demographic but The part of that but with age you realise that Plus Side of Dating appealed to a wider your boobs can only take you so far how you group of people. look can only take you so far. I also think it is time for women to take a stand and turn I was happy because it started a their backs on men. Half of the time when conversation. I had guys telling me how they guys are going on about wanting skinny never thought about how the things they girls, take a good look at then and if we were said to their girlfriends would effect them. I supposed to be doing apples to apples here, did an analysis of my readers and followers they are not supermodels themselves but I and 40 percent are guys who actually read don’t think enough women do that to men my stuff. This is good as I get to put things in for them to understand what it feels like. perspective for them. What usually happens is when you are in a situation, sometimes ASH: Absolutely. Any man can get a girl. But you don’t have the strength to tell someone when it comes to us, the playing field is not how you feel. the same and that brings me nicely to The
A Souljah’s Hearrt | Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own 17
Cover Story With a lot of my relationships, it was when I was out that I looked back and said Oh hell no! With a lot of my relationships, it was when I was out that I looked back and said Oh hell no! That’s why I always say that I am the unapologetic voice for what everyone else is thinking. What I am saying is not new. I just have the guts to say it. I will say it and shut down my computer and just sit in my house and I don’t care. ASH: One statement in particular stood out for me from that article. You said I am single not by choice but by requirement. I really wanted to hear from you what you meant by that. HR: There is another line in there that really stuck with me even when I wrote I thought well damn and it was; You can’t seek shelter in someone else’s insecurity. If you are not secure, don’t go into a relationship because you will be looking to someone else to help you feel secure. So when I say I am single by requirement it is a lesson to me that until you have this figured out, until you absolutely do not need a man to make you feel good about yourself or need a man to be able to feel that you are beautiful, you should not date. It was something I told myself and I have held myself accountable to it. ASH: I think that is so important for a lot of young girls to hear as well. Not even just young girls, young women because I have been through phases in my adult life where I was dating when I shouldn’t have been because I was no where near ready to even care about someone the way I should. I didn’t particularly care about myself and in that position you end up attracting the wrong kind of people. HR: Yes and even worse than that you settle! ASH: You settle! Then you end up being even more broken than you were when you entered the relationship. So what was meant to be a distraction from issues you should have been dealing with ends up
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compounding the problem. HR: I have been single this whole year. And I have left it open. I am very fluid with dating anytime I feel myself settling, I have to move on. I was watching The Real and Tia Mowry said one thing and I don’t know why I have held on to it so much. She said, in your 20s you are supposed to date around. You are suppose to figure out what works for you. What kind of person you want. Our culture has also conditioned us into thinking that marriage is our number one goal as women. ASH: Yes and I think because of that a lot of girls find themselves in positions where when that confidence isn’t there for them to hold their own and stick to their guns, they rush into intimacy thinking if I give him what he wants, I can keep him. Then the moment you start having sex in a relationship it has to work because you don’t want to leave this guy and increase your body count. So you now find yourself stuck in a relationship that you have no business being in, praying that he saves the day and marries you. What you are actually doing is giving him all the power he needs to break your heart. I am single too and I am not even dating because my daughter is my number priority right now but I think dating while celibate is something more young women should try. Just date. Too late for my younger self but that is what I hope to pass on to my daughter. Date a lot. Date often. Don’t tie yourself down too early lest you find yourself heartbroken and settling in a situationship instead of a real love relationship. Have deep and meaningful conversations. Keep your legs closed. Let him stimulate your mind first. And then over and over again. It is self and soul preserving to value yourself enough to know that you don’t have to go there if you don’t want to. Having said that, I know that a lot of guys are turned off by celibacy though. HR: That is where a lot of women need to have the power to say if you are not ready for that kind of relationship then good bye.
| Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own
“
I always say that I am the unapologetic voice for what everyone else is thinking. What I am saying is not new. I just have the guts to say it. I will say it and shut down my computer and just sit in my house and I don’t care.
“
Cover Story Because here is the thing and it is a very cliched statement; there are many fish in the sea. I have a big sister here called Phyllis and sometimes I am on the phone with her and she is schooling me on life and she would tell me Hayet you act like there are only 10 men in the whole world so you have to make it work with them and sometimes it’s true we try and settle because we think we are 30, we are single and therefore we have failed in life and like someone told me; my ovaries would become scrambled eggs if by 30 I am not settled and having kids. That sort of time bomb we put on ourselves is what leads us to settle. At 29 you are thinking you don’t want to keep looking, meanwhile Beyoncé’s mother at 60, still found love.
At 29 you are thinking you don’t want to keep looking meanwhile Beyoncé’s mother at 60, still found love. ASH: That is what I am saying! When it’s real you know. When it’s not, you don’t have to force it. You dont have to hurry. What does love mean to you Hayet. What makes your heart tick? HR: I think it means everything. It means you are down for whatever life throws at you. Because to me love is not a text message or a kiss or that kind of stuff. It is actually an agreement it’s an intellectual and emotional agreement that says we are in this together. So when people equate love with receiving or sending roses, to me they are talking about something else. Look at it this way; your love with your siblings for example. With my sisters, regardless of anything I can fight with them, I can say the worst things but family love is our agreement that regardless of what happens, we have no choice but to figure it out. We are family and that is what family does. So when you love someone it’s the same thing. ASH: What do you look for in a partner? HR: That’s like the best question in life. Every woman should have an answer to this question. For me it is a very simple formula. Can I talk to you on the phone and never run out of things to talk about?
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That is all I want. Everything else I can find somewhere else. There are some people who list career success, good looks, good hair, family background, financial stability etc on their tick list. Then you go on a date or you are on the phone and there is no chemistry or nothing to say. If I can talk to someone on the phone for like four or five hours that’s like the most priceless thing. And I am proudly sapiosexual. ASH: Me too! HR: You know if I read a book and we can talk about the book? Here take my life. Take me. ASH: But do you think that having such a public life affects your relationships? HR: Of course it does. ASH: So how do you deal with that? How do you strike that balance? HR: The good part is that when I started blogging I was single so there was nobody there to monitor me or have anything to say about my approach. But there are good and bad sides. When you come into my life, you will know that this is a part of who I am so if you can’t handle it, the door never shuts. You can see your way out. It is sort of like if you are dating Kim Kardashian you have to accept the life she comes with. Not that I am Kim Kardashian or that I will ever be her but you have to understand that this is a part of me and also I don’t have to tell you about my emotional baggage because there is a website that does that. ASH: That’s the biggest perk I guess. The fact that you don’t have to go through it all, just direct them to Google and tell them to read all about it and come back if they decide they really want in. HR: Yes. Go and read and if you still want in, I am here. I am an open book. What has also happened is that guys are very scared to date me and I have had a few actually say that to me. I remember I went on a date last year and the person had read so much about me and they were very paranoid and
| Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own
Live Believe Love If you are single, embrace it. Don’t fight it. Use these moments to focus on yourself so that when you get into a relationship, you will be stronger and have a little bit more selfawareness, self-love, and all the other ingredients which constitute a healthy relationship.
@asouljahsheart
Live Believe Love Wait for the one who calls you beautiful, the one who calls you back when you hang up, the one who lays under the stars and listens to your heartbeat, or stays awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the one who kisses your forehead, the one who shows you off to the world, the one who holds your hand in front of his friends...
@asouljahsheart
Cover Story they didn’t want to do or say the wrong thing. Because they didn’t want to end up as a topic on the blog. So sometimes guys are really cautious. To me it helps me because the person who has the confidence to date me deserves to be there. ASH: A lot of the issues in that regard stem from their own insecurities. If you know you are not a time waster then you have nothing to worry about. Just come correct. I was going to ask what you would do if you were really into a guy and he’s into you too but his only request is that you “tone down” with this blogging and your face all over the place. You know how some men can be very possessive almost like they own you? But I think I already know the answer.
someone to cuddle up to. HR: Yes. I am okay. I have a lot of things going on and at some point in time maybe I will slow down but I feel like for me right now, I am only getting started. You can’t slow me down when I haven’t even crossed the starting line. ASH: On the blog, your tagline is The last pound started a whole new journey. Is that in reference to the emotional journey versus the physical of losing that last pound?
HR: That’s a play on words. Is it the pound I lost or the pound I gained or is it loosing the emotional weight? It’s actually everything. It comes down to everything that has happened to me brought me to this HR: I don’t even think I will let him finish the point. I didn’t have a business plan. When I sentence. The moment he says tone down... over plan that’s when I don’t do anything. I still have the text I’m off. I remember I went on a date last message that I sent ASH: Tone down for year and the person had read so to a friend on April much about me and they were 28th 2015. I said I what right? very paranoid and they didn’t had a dream that I want to do or say the wrong HR: 2014 Hayet can be a plus size thing. Because they didn’t want blogger and I think I would have probably changed their whole to end up as a topic on the blog. want to start a blog life for that person and her response but here and now, you have the wrong one. was do it. I launched a week and a half later. ASH: When you are so secure in your truth, you need someone who is going to come and be a part of that and enhance it. Not someone who wants to change it. HR: And I think one thing that guys find definitely find intimidating is that I am actually okay being single. ASH: You know what, some people don’t believe that there are people who live for singledom not even by requirement as you put it earlier but by choice. And there are those for whom it isn’t necessarily a choice, but they are okay with it. HR: Don’t get me wrong it can get lonely. ASH: I get that. In your case not that you want to be or you actively seek it but you are not going to force yourself to stay in the wrong situation just so you can have
A lot of people ask for my schedule of content. I don’t have one. When things happen I blog about it. A lot of people lose passion when they try to turn it into something that is not natural. I always knew I would find a business side but I chose not to make that the main focus going in. So I put out content when I want. There are people who feel uncomfortable with the emotionality of my blog. They ask when is she going to start blogging about happy things but when will Adele make a club hit? So just take me as I am. My topics will never not be heavy. At times I may talk about fashion but it would be about how it makes me feel in a particular way. Like today I shot in a wrap dress. Wrap dresses are the most comfortable for me because of certain things so I would talk about that versus I paired it with these shoes and accessories. There are already very many
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Cover Story plus size bloggers, some of whom I look up to doing that. That is their space. ASH: Did your personal journey affect your professional journey in anyway? You were blogging about everything you were going through, your emotional growth, your body was changing etc. How do you switch that off when it’s time to focus on work? HR: I just have one rule. People at work are not allowed to talk about my blog. I have been in situations where someone at work will say You know Hayet is a blogger right and I quickly switch the subject or just move on. I like to keep the two worlds separate. People do ask if I have a real job as I always look like I am somewhere having fun. I have a very real and hectic job. But there are 24 hours in a day and your job is 8 or 9 of them so there is time to explore other passions. ASH: So What does Hayet do? HR: I am a strategist in an adverting agency. So I have a very hard job that takes up lots of mental space but I get to go to work everyday and do some thing I love and come home and do something I love as well. It’s very interesting in terms of even balancing it. You’d be surprised how much work I get done during my toilet breaks. It’s very odd. That’s when I reply to emails, reply to social media comments and engage with people. It doesn’t affect me too much I think people understand me more. They understand my confidence or sometimes my confidence comes off as cockiness but if you understand me, you would know why I am so bold and sassy and why I always have a clapback. It’s just a part of my journey and who I have become. I know colleagues read the blog but they are very good at keeping it professional while at work. If you want to talk about my blog we can go out for drinks but not in the work space. And the other thing is I actually get really shy. If a stranger recognises me I get so so shy. When you write you don’t think anybody reads your stuff and then people say they do and I blush. Even getting shy now. ASH: Okay so moving on swiftly before you turn red, what took you to Haiti?
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And the other thing is I actually get really shy. If a stranger recognises me I get so so shy. HR: It has a back story to it. When I started my year of I am going to change my life and live my life I wrote a list of things I wanted to do and places I wanted to go to. I have a good friend Dan who you will see on my profile a lot. He is actually a work colleague and we sat down one day and wrote a list. One of the things was I wanted to volunteer. I didn’t know where or what but I wanted to volunteer. I was always looking for places in Chicago and different kinds of things to volunteer for. I was actually scrolling through Instagram during lunch one day and I saw a post about travelling to Haiti to volunteer. It was a volunteer/ tourism excursion. And I remember thinking can I do it and I thought of course I can so I took time off work and went. Haiti is probably one of the most beautiful places I have been to. ASH: I read about your experience there. I think sometimes it takes seeing how the other half lives to realise that we really don’t have it as bad as we think we do. How has that experience changed your your perception of and approach to life? HR: I don’t think it was about seeing how the other half live because I grew up in Ghana. So I got to see it. When I am in Ghana I volunteer in villages so I have seen it all. I think seeing it from the earthquake recovery point of view was different. Because in Ghana you complain about no electricity or running water but when in a split second your whole life is torn apart regardless of your age or race or financial status, that earthquake did not discriminate it tore that country apart. It has been five years so to still see some damage in between the regrowth, it was a metaphor; the whole process. It was all about rebuilding. And that it doesn’t happen overnight regardless of how much help you get. So while Haiti can have so much in foreign aid and donations, rebuilding is an emotional thing because you have to get out of the woe is me mental state first and that was the biggest thing because when I was interacting with the people and we were talking and laughing I
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There are people who feel uncomfortable with the emotionality of my blog. They ask when is she going to start blogging about happy things but when will Adele make a club hit? So just take me as I am. My topics will never not be heavy.
“
Cover Story clothing, it is my attitude that’s flattering. I took on every fashion faux pas for plus size etc. They tell you don’t wear horizontal stripes because you would look wider. Okay so let me rock some horizontal stripes with some red lipstick for you. Don’t wear short skirts because of your thighs. Well let me wear that for you. I just decided that there were no rules.
So while Haiti can have so much in foreign aid and donations, rebuilding is an emotional experience because you have to get out of the woe is me mental state first.
ASH: And there are many people watching and loving it! How would you define your personal style?
was wondering why are we laughing? You have no house! It teaches you about how you let things weigh on you as a person. Somebody will say I just suffered a mishap so for the next 10 years I am going to be miserable and focus on what happened to me but this trip taught me the physical and emotional meaning of rebuilding. ASH: Let us lighten up a little. We have to talk a bit about your style and why you stopped dressing your size. HR: Because when you ask someone their opinion of how you should dress, they will respond based on what society says a plus sized person should wear. So if someone tells me I can’t wear something because it’s not flattering I will tell them no it’s not the
Hayet Rida in Haiti
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HR: Classic with a pop. There’s always a pop or a dash of colour. Could be my shoes or my lips. I am very minimalist so you’ll see me wearing a skirt or a dress. I hate pants but something has to be bold. You hardly see me dress down unless I am going to bed or if I am sick. I will wear a sweatshirt but it would be a nice sweatshirt. I am one of those people who you might feel the need to ask what’s the occasion? Life is the occasion. ASH: I like that... Life is the occasion. HR: People want you to have a reason to dress up. They have stores that sell clothes. The clothes don’t tell you when to wear them. You wear them how and when you want to! ASH: Talking about that where do you shop? I am sure a lot of people are dying to know. HR: On this side of the world I am always in J Crew. Everybody in the store knows me by my first name. I have made a good friend in there who sends me pictures of new arrivals. It is that serious! ASOS Curve is pretty big as well and Banana Republic. I am also falling in love with a lot of the upcoming plus size brands like Rue 107 modelling their stuff was a great experience, Eloquii, Lane Bryant is the first plus size brand I
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This trip taught me the physical and emotional meaning of rebuilding.
Cover Story wore but unfortunately, now their smaller she has been my life coach ever since I was stuff is too big for me so it is hard to wear a little girl. I can go to her with anything. their stuff. But I have an emotional tie to She is my thought processor. She helps me that brand which If you go to the store they will figure things out. I can never lose Afua is my everyday say we can make it in your because they were size but that is not a plus size go to. But I think like the first brand brand. You are just trying to be the blessing about that actually dressed having those two as inclusive. me. In Ghana it was my best friends is I always hard to find clothes, You can have have a nice dynamic. Afua is the one who you Sunday dresses made but there wasn’t helps me decide whether to where these enough ready to wear African brands. shoes or not; style advise and boy advice Christie Brown is my ride or die always but and my older sister she will advise me on it is still hard to find plus size brands there. life in general as she is almost 10 years If you go to the store they will say we can older and she has lived life and is a great make it in your size but that is not a plus size example and I will always say my mother brand. You are just trying to be inclusive. because all three of us represent a different side of her so if you were to put the three of ASH: Would you ever consider creating us together, you will get my mother. a fashion line for Africa’s curvy queens because I think maybe without even ASH: I have seen lots of pics of you and Afua realising it you are slowly walking your way that made me wish I had an older sister. The in that direction. bond is clearly evident. HR: I thought about it but I don’t know. What I will definitely do is collaborate with existing brands. I will happily do a collection or something. But I don’t want to get into starting things and numbers and finances. That is not for me. I was an art major. When you start talking numbers, you’ve lost me. I would consult with a brand and I do that from time to time. There are some brands that I would tell I love that piece but if you are going to make it plus size you may want to switch the fabric or tweak this part a bit bearing in mind that my area which I am always thinking about is my stomach. I feel like I can understand a body so much more and sometimes I can look at clothes and say if only they did, this it would be perfect. If only this fabric was more structured versus stretchy and clingy. I would be a better adviser than a designer. I can’t come up with new things I’ll just copy everything.
HR: Yes sometimes I pretend I am older because she is a bit more subdued and a bit more shy. I don’t play well the role of little sister. ASH: If I had to pay you one compliment it would be that you come across as very well balanced. It is always refreshing to speak to young African women who know exactly what they want, are grounded in their truth, they know what they are about and where they want to go. So thinking to the future and settling down with kids, what pieces of advice are you longing to pass on to your daughters about life and love?
Afua, Nana and Hayet
ASH: That is brutally honest. I like. Who are some of the women that you look up to for inspiration in life and style? HR: My sisters without a doubt. My closest sister is Afua of Styled by Rida who everyone knows and then I have an older sister as well from my mum’s side Nana and
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Cover Story HR: I think if I could sum everything up I would tell them never to forget that no matter what you are going through you are just going through it. You can never give anyone specific advise. People need to learn from their own experiences themselves. I would love my daughters to go through life. I would not try to protect them from heartbreak. I wouldn’t try to shield them away from too much. I would just give them the reassurance that mummy went through it all and she is still standing. My sisters always did that. Whatever I was going through they’ll reassure me that it will pass. ASH: That is the best response you could have given me as a mother who has the tendency to be overprotective. There goes that balance I mentioned earlier. The difference between you and someone else who might have gone through similar experiences is that instead of wallowing in self pity, you chose to grow through rather than just go through the motions. Again, that’s that balance because you took the experiences for what they were and learnt whatever lessons needed to be learnt. It is in the growing through that you develop and learn.
Afua, Nana and baby Hayet
that everything I am going through is an acceptance speech for something. I would never measure my life against someone else and say my life has been worse than someone else’s but every single thing I have been through, I would not trade it for a minute because I have no idea who I would be without these experiences. Imagine if I wasn’t plus size and lived a normal everyday life? I would be so bored! So I am super grateful for everything and I look forward to more experiences to become a better person. I think I am ready for whatever is next. ASH: So where does Hayet go from here?
HR: I’ll tell you and your readers a little HR: You will see me. Without giving away secret. When I was younger, probably too much you are just going to see me every about 10 or 11, I told myself that one day I where. I have miniature goals for the blog am going to be famous for something. I had but you will see me everywhere. In fact no idea what but I You can never give anyone you will get tired of used to watch those specific advise. People need seeing me! MTV programmes to learn from their own about the making experiences themselves. I would ASH: I don’t think we of celebrities. I am love my daughters to go through will ever get tired of really addicted to the you! life. behind the scenes of people’s lives. I HR: I hope that I’ll be able to do more remember one day I was watching one about speaking events. That is where I see Hayet J.Lo and she had gone through a struggle going in the future I don’t know if 2016 is and you know how they always play up that year but that is definitely on list of long someone’s struggle and how they overcame term goals. it. I sat there as an 11 year old thinking why haven’t I gone through anything? I felt like ASH: You had a speaking engagement I had to go through something to be a real recently didn’t you? person so what that taught me was that, whatever you go though is what actually HR: Yes I did in Ghana. It was a brunch makes you. It was so great for me to realised event and I went in thinking no one is that at an early age. So I used to tell myself going to open up. This is Ghana where
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Cover Story everyone is conservative and researved. I did an exercise where everyone present had to speak about one thing that they are insecure about. And what happened was someone will say I am insecure about say me for example; my cheeks. I don’t like my cheeks so I’d say that and someone else will say but that’s the one thing I love about you. ASH: Yes because it makes your smile so beautiful! HR: And that was the most beautiful thing. When people were open about things they don’t like about themselves either someone was going through the same thing or someone gave a compliment to refute it. Someone will say I hate the gap in my teeth and another will say so do I but that makes us unique. And the toughest part was most of these insecurities were based on the perception of a man. So I nipped that one in the bud quickly. The time wasn’t long enough. You knew my schedule I had to run off straight from the event before everyone else to a shoot. But it really made me feel I could do something here; talking to women and all that so that reassured what I wanted to do. Who knows I may be in Oprah Magazine someday.
Brunching in Accra
HR: That is where my career helps because my day job is to build other people’s brands. So I thought why not just build mine. ASH: I can see that. Now it all makes sense. I love the way it all came together for you and I look forward to so much more from That Hayet Rida.
ASH: Yes! Speak it into existence. HR: And when I make it I will call you first! ASH: Please do. You have spoken it into existence and so shall it be. HR: Amen. And I just want to say thank you so much. I remember our first conversation. You had no idea who I was or why I was calling you but you still gave me a chance. You are one of the first interviews I ever did. Thank you. ASH: That was a pleasure. I am a sucker for positive stories about “us”. You know that #BlackGirlMagic? I like to share our stories as much as possible and as far and wide as possible. I am so happy that you have developed a remarkable and somewhat powerful personal brand.
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Hayet Rida was styled by Afua Rida for this shoot and she wears a dress by Christie Brown which is now available as part of their ready-to-wear collection in their flagship store in Accra, Ghana. Find out more about Christie Brown>>
Live Believe Love Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you in his life; the one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’ Wait for the one who pursues you; the one who will do anything to be your everything. Wait for the one who loves you for who you are but brings out the best in you.
@asouljahsheart
Now available on
Today, be happy]
You are enough!
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An OdeToSelf When loving you becomes poetry... the end of every Showing a little bit of Towards year, some people get compassion to yourself panic attacks as they go through their checklist of all the things they set themselves out to achieve at the start of the year. In my experience resolutions don’t work and some get abandoned as early as the end of January. There are so many variables in life and things do not always go to plan. I am already behind on my healthy living plan.
So instead of focussing too much resolutions about going to the gym more often and loosing a set amount of weight, or getting richer, or setting targets to increase my social media following, this year I have decided to just love me. I decided to commit myself to loving me more a little more. Sometimes we need to bring out the pompoms and be our own D.I.Y cheerleaders. Sometimes we need to get up on our own two feet for a well deserved standing ovation. Sometimes a pat on the back helps or a little nudge to keep going regardless is much needed. Not withstanding selfimprovement, which will always be a part of the agenda.
can go a really long way. Reminding yourself that even with all your flaws and mistakes, you do have a purpose on this earth that only you can fulfill. This year I have decided to count myself worthy whether I gain or lose 5 lbs. And for the mornings I wake up feeling ugly before I even look in the mirror, my Ode To Self Lovebox comes in handy.
I have written positive affirmations and love notes to myself either to remind me of accomplishments, compliments or the things I love about myself. I have written a little over 365 of these and put them in a jar. Every day I will unveil one to remind myself that no matter what, I am loved, I am alive and I have so much to be thankful for. The extras are for the days when I need an extra “fix.” I invite you to join me as I declare that 2016 will be love-filled by every means necessary. Starting February 14 I will be sharing my notes on instagram: @ asouljahsheart and you can join in too.
Join the #SelfLove party>>>
You are socia
#OdeT
Starting: F 365 Days O
What do you love m Share your love n Please hashta #ASouljahsHea follow an
ally invited
ToSelf
Feb 14th Of Self Love
most about yourself? notes and selfies. ag #OdeToSelf art so that I can nd share.
Winter 2015 Collection
Coup de Classe
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Model | Victoria Michaels @vicamichaels Photographer | Charlene Asare @charleneasare MUA | Lawrencia @sparkle_n_shine_makeupartists
>>SHOP A Souljah’s Hearrt | Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own 39
Inspired
CONFiDENCE
10 WAYS TOways to FAKE IT TILLways to YOU MAKE IT Adapted from pickthebrain.com
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Inspired you think that you are incapable and failure is I fyour middle name, you are absolutely right. If you believe you’re brilliant and can accomplish anything in the world, you aint never lied! We are what we think we are. Obviously we can’t all be Kanye so if you are struggling with your self confidence, look no further. It might waver from day to day, leaving you shy or confused at the wrong time. Or it might not be there at all. If you could use some better eye contact in your life, there are a few simple strategies which can help you fake it till you make it. Like Hayet rightfully put it, nobody hands you confidence on a platter. You have to work on it and here are some tips which I have found very useful: 1. Remember that it’s not always about you. Sometimes people might do or say very hurtful things to you. Don’t take it to heart. People’s actions, even when hurtful, rarely have anything to do with you. It’s easy to read into the negativity of others and see it as a slight to our personality or a challenge to our ego. This type of reaction causes unnecessary stress and can prevent you from focusing on the positive things in your life. People are people; there’s never a need to link their behavior and your happiness. Knowing this gives you freedom to feel the confidence you deserve. 2. Dress well and wear clothes that fit. Be it your favourite boho chic look or dressing in all black, in reality sometimes the things we think cover up our flaws only make us look bigger. You don’t have to “dress your size” as long as your clothes fit well and flatter your body shape. You dont have to be at your ideal weight to look good. Your clothes dont make your person. It i s all in your attitude. Love you, love what you’re wearing and the world is likely to love it too. 3. Laugh a little. Or maybe a lot. Let your brain give vent to the endorphins that will fill you with authentic happiness and internal confidence. Laughter releases some of the tension that invariably builds in your body each day. Pepper your routine with the people or media that make you most happy. You don’t have to overdo it, but a bit of levity goes a long way toward elevating your level of confidence. 4. Don’t gossip. Exit conversations that swim in hearsay. Indulging in idle chatter might make you
l feel in the loop, but the feeling is fleeting and will eave you wondering what others are saying about you when you’re not around. Take the high road – you’ll feel better inside and appear far more confident to others around you. 5. Embrace solitude. You can be comfortable alone with your thoughts. You don’t need to populate every waking second with activity and that includes switching off your phone. This will make you more comfortable with yourself, helping you appear more confident to others. 6. Make a budget. Claiming control of your finances is an early step to a healthy attitude about money. Though many people believe confidence comes with having lots of cash, confidence accompanies a clear picture of what you have and what you need. Knowing how to manage the two is key. 7. Do as you say and say as you do. If you articulate your goals, and start to accomplish them, starting with the easy ones first, you will develop a mindset of success. This, in turn, makes it easier to feel confident. Your goals could be anything from running your first 5K to finally cleaning out the garage; learning how to strum a guitar or play the piano. Whatever your goals, find something you truly desire, make a promise to see it through to the end, then feel the confidence of success. 8. Make peace with your body. You will always want to stay active and improve your health, but your confidence comes with the understanding that no matter your size, shape, number of wrinkles or height, you are a person who deserves love and dignity from yourself and those around you. Truly know this, and confidence will bleed through your skin. 9. Realize you know more than you think you do. All those things you think everyone else just knows? Well, they don’t. If you don’t know something, there’s no shame in asking for the answer. Admitting you don’t have the answer is the first step toward finding it, and the right answers pave the road to confidence. 10. Be enthusiastic about life. Playing it cool is a great way to ignore your honest emotions and bury the authentic you. Be happy and excited, and allow the world to see it. Your joy will be infectious, your confidence contagious.
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READING
LH T R Selection by
AYET
IDA
Words by Pamilerin Beckley
READING LIT brings you the brightest and best African literature to light up your reading list. Always looking for stories with strong female protagonists. Send your suggestions to souljahsheart@gmail.com.
Daughters Who Walk This Path The Joys of Motherhood
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Hayet is reading lit with two novels from two of Africa’s finest female authors. Both novels focus on strong female protagonists leading narratives that are deeply rooted in cultures and traditions which are often detrimental to us women. In Yejide Kilanko’s Daughters Who Walk This Path, Morayo’s coming of age story is led by her childhood experience of repeated sexual abuse at the hands of her troubled cousin, Brother Tayo as she battles with the culture of oppressive silence. In Buchi Emecheta’s The Joys of Motherhood, it is fertlity and the desperate desire for sons and not daughters, that NnuEgo is faced with. Both award winning novels though tragic highlight the reality that so many women still face, even in the midst of our progress towards a world that is free from gender bias. These literary classics highlight the ever growing need for an active feminist movement on the continent. A Souljah’s Hearrt | Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own 43
Press Play Selection by
HAYET RIDA
Words by Pamilerin Beckley
What an eclectix mix! If blue eyed soul is actually a thing then Adele and Sam Smith are leading the wave! Hello might already be the most covered song of 2016! Hayet is also listening to a lot of old school Alicia Keys. Her sophomore offering The Diary of Alicia Keys remains my personal favourite album of hers. So Where Ya At? Wanna F Up Some Commas with Future? I have since learnt that it means to freely blow a lot of cash. You know like how they “make it rain”? Well maybe I should wait until I am worth 4 million dollars and more too! Cheers to focus and and a bright future of stacking commas!
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Eye Candy
What ya know ‘bout KAYSHA is the undisputed King of Kizomba, a genre originating from Angola, not too distant from the Lover’s Rock elements of Zouk given the sensuality of the sound and the way the body rocks instinctively to the African rhythm.
reminiscent of what we have come to love and respect from Zouk / Kizomba; exuberant, uplifting and a tropical image of love.
In order to make the sound more accessible to a wider audience, a lot of artists including Kaysha Where as Zouk means “party” or have been remixing commercial “festival”, Kizomba is the slower, club hits and these are the top 5 sexier variation. It has a unique on my Valentine’s Day playlist: quality to it that the likes of Kaysha have mastered. > Diamonds Originally by Rihanna It is the kind of vibe that makes you want to sway your hips anrd > Drunk In Love tap your feet at the same time. Originally by Beyonce You get the urge to sing along; if only you could understand what > Human Nature the song is about since they are often not in English. Well here’s Originally by Michael Jackson a secret; they are all about > Sexual Healing Amour... Love... Orginally by Marvin Gaye When I heard Kaysha’s Bien Plus Fort Que Mes Mots I was > Hold On, We’re Going sold. The passion that emanates Home from the melody of this song is Originally by Drake 46 A Souljah’s Hearrt
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Congo’s Finest
Kaysha > Listen as Kaysha discusses Life and Music with DJ Edu on BBC 1Xtra’s Destination Africa.
Feature
An Exciting First Date Doesn’t Have To Break The Bank
First impressions are everything “especially if you are trying to get the attention of a potential love interest.
“
I was once made to feel like a gold digger because I turned down a first date to McDonald’s. Different person but it wasn’t the first time. Not even Burger King so that I can at least get my flame-grilled on with fresh lettuce, no onions and tomatoes! He said it was a test and I failed miserably. I crowned him Chairman of the Federation of Extraordinary Piss-Takers and took my exit. As far as I was concerned, in the name of self respect I passed with flying colours! It wasn’t where he wanted to take me or how much he intended to spend that threw me off. It was the fact that he hadn’t valued me or my time enough to put a little bit of thought into what we could do on a first date. It was the fact that he wasn’t eager to put his best foot forward. He clearly didn’t take me seriously and so I returned the favour. It wasn’t a quick meet up for a chat during our lunch break since we worked close to each other. He actually used the words “make time in your busy schedule”, “take you out,” and “McDonalds” in the same sentence. My reaction wasn’t even instant. I actually allowed time for laughter and for him to recover and say “Punked,” or “Just joking.” I only served him my hell to the no when I realised he wasn’t budging. Why did he not feel the need to make a good first impression? Did he take my easy going and chilled demeanour to mean easy aka simpleton aka anything will do? He already acknowledged that I was busy so why not value my time a bit more than a Big Mac? First impressions are everything especially if you are trying to get the attention of a potential love interest. Just like I wasn’t about to spend a first date with Ronnie Mac, the typical movie and dinner dates can be tiresome even for couples that are already dating or married. So I have been thinking outside of the box and I encourage guys to think outside of their boxers too and be creative. To hell with Netflix & Chill. Doing something different creates an opportunity to bond with your date while learning something new. It could also potentially give you talking points for days. Here are some ideas.
Beach Picnic... At sunset. Or sunrise, if you are early birds. If you are blessed enough to be not too far from a beach, a beautiful setting makes everything more enjoyable, and it’s the perfect time and place to bring along your favourite snacks and drink of choice. The rainbow sky is a great setting for getting to know someone.
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| Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own
Take a long walk...
Around the park. After dark. Find a spot to spark. Conversation. Verbal elation. Stimulation. Share your situations. Temptations. Education. Relaxations. Elevations. Maybe you can talk about Surah 31:18? Or Revelations 3:17? Or Psalms in entirety? Call it a soul walk. Jill Scott knew what she was talking about!
Visit not one, but three restaurants... If you must eat, eat at a different restaurant for each course. This breaks the monotony of sitting down for one long meal. Might be a tad bit more expensive if you were leaning towards the meal deal in one place but should be fun. Think about it as an opportunity to hold hands much sooner as you move from restaurant to restaurant. Wink. Wink.
Become a tourist... No matter where you live I can bet good money that you haven’t fully explored it. The things tourists enjoy when they visit our local vicinities are the same things that we often take for granted. Explore with your date. Visit tourist sites. Take the opportunity to learn something new about your area.
Make the body groove... Book a dance class. If you want to check for chemistry, there can be no better way. Provided it all goes well your next date can involve putting into practice what you learnt. Or if it goes so well that you can’t wait until the next date, go on with your bad self. Nothing wrong with a trip to the nightclub later on. If you are really really really feeling each other, forget Netflix. Have a private party and chill with the Henny on ice a la K. Michelle’s V.S.O.P!
WATCH
V.S.O.P
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My
Fun V
@diamonddonatello
Thank me later. Because I have scowered the interweb for the quirkiest Valentine’s Day cards you might ever come across. Who wants to receive the same old boring card anyway? Just tell me you love me more than Yeejus loves Kanye! Love should be crazy fun everyday! 50 A Souljah’s Hearrt
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nny V
Feature
lub
ec m o h y
@sta
alentine
@diamonddonatello
@bepaperie
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@pleasantbox
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@diamonddonatello
@dawanda
@beeisforbear
@punnypixels
@grainanddot
@emilymacdowellstudio
@thepapercub
@bepaperie
eel
@paperwh
@papersource
Nollywood &Chill 60 A Souljah’s Hearrt
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Movie Review hour into this movie, realizing I only had A good 40 minutes left to go, I was still wondering where it was going. A group of girlfriends in their fifties and not one of them seem to have it together. Not one I could personally aspire to be totally. I wondered how real these characters are. It could well be that the successful older women I know, who appear to have it all together are secretly battling their own demons. The more I thought about it, I accepted that this may well be an embellished version of our reality. Kate (Nse Ekpe Etim) the Catholic born again churchgoing prayerful one is struggling to keep her events planning business afloat while dealing with a scrub of a husband Chike who is “not the 9 to 5 type”, and her recently discovered ill health. Lizzy the doctor (Ireti Doyle) slept with the boyfriend of Shade, her now estranged daughter and is an unapologetically proud resident of Cougarville. Maria (Omoni Oboli), the business mogul, is having an affair with Lizzy’s friend’s husband. That friend (Dakore Egbuson) is the “Rich & Fabulous Tola,” a tv presenter cum diva way past Mariah Carey proportions with her “don’t interrupt me” self. And just when I was wondering why she is so dismissive and aggressive and overbearing, I have to move to wondering why her mother faced with the information that her son-in-law Kunle (Wale Ojo) had an affair and made another woman pregnant, chooses to chastise her daughter and tell her to “let bygones be bygones”?
And children do have offspring born out of abuse whom they have raised as younger siblings. Because some African mothers are the real MVPs from whence ride or die originated, backed by a bourgeois choir singing about purity, as they stand firmly at the sacred pulpit of submission, with faces covered by the veils of fakery and false pretences, secretly accepting that some African fathers are no angels, but publicly safeguarding and defending their “honour” anyway! Old sins have very long shadows and the after effects they cast last even longer. There are several morales here. For one everyone has a story that is far deeper than what the cover illustration portrays. If you can, dig a little deeper. If you can’t, don’t judge. But perhaps most importantly for our demographic; when you decide to say yes to a man’s proposal, let it be for the right reasons. Not because you think he can “fix” you. Likewise, if you have any desire to fix any part of him, then you might already be setting yourself up for an epic fail. If you are a young African woman watching this film, then you will probably come away with more questions than answers because according to the book of life by African standards that is forced down our throats our whole life, you should have your life together by the time you are 50 and you definitely should not be in a nightclub as a singleton dancing shoki and talking about spanking a boy young enough to be your son at that age!
When you decide to say yes to a man’s proposal, let it be for the right reasons. Not because you think he can “fix” you. Likewise, if you have any desire to fix any part of him, then you might already be setting yourself up for an epic fail.
I didn’t have to scratch my head for too long because right there and then I get slapped with the dramatic plot twist. The saddest thing was knowing as I watched that the storyline is not as far removed from reality as I would like for it to be. Fathers do rape their daughters and mothers do cover up for their husbands desperate to save face and protect their broken marriages, while blaming their daughters for “running around naked and flaunting themselves”. Because surely it is the responsibility of the child to ensure that she doesnt tempt an adult.
On the cinematic front, this movie like most Mo Abudu productions depicts the unspoiled and glamorous side of Africa which we don’t get to see enough of on our TV screens. Well Lagos to be precise. Biyi Bandele aces this as the director cutting out a lot of the annoying features we have grown to accept from Nollywood and the Nneka, Tiwa Savage, Waje, Femi Kuti and King Sunny Ade cameos were all very well placed. In all, this is a must watch that charater Lizzy sums up in one sentence; “Life is full of paradoxes.”
WATCH on NETFLIX www.bit.ly/ashfifty A Souljah’s Hearrt | Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own 61
Movie Review
Nollywood
&Chill
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Movie Review
Memorable scene: Post come to Jesus meeting about her loveless marriage and her husband’s philandering, Tola’s Father walks out with Kunle her husband after a I was named after shockingly disrespectful comment the late great Dr from Tola.Then we realise it may not have been so shocking after all Elizabeth Abimbola as Tola reveals that the reason why Awoliyi. She was my her husband keeps having affairs is mother’s heros she was West Africa’s because she can’t stand him touching her due to the fact that she never dealt first female doctor; with the sexual abuse from her past; a reknowned baggage forced on her by her father. gynaecologist. That is the reason why they haven’t started a family. Not because she is Lizzy’s speech at an event. barren as most people would assume...
Memorable quote: “
Mother: Why did you marry him then? Tola: Because I loved him and I believe there was a time that he loved me too.
Fun quote: “Abracadabra nor dey form belleh. Lizzy to Maria.
Mother: (With disdain) Yeah hmmmm lovewantintin. Why did you marry him? Tola: I married him because I thought marriage and companionship will rid me of all the memories of all the nastiness that happened but obviously that didn’t work. Mother: You should have let him go. You should have let him go a long time ago. It would have been cheaper to let him go. (Alluding to the fact that they will now need to give Kunle a hefty payout.) Tola: I let him go. He just never left.
A Souljah’s Hearrt | Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own 63
Hearrtily Cosigning
“... Love Your Imperfections...” When people sign up to online dating agencies they probably concern themselves with how to put their best foot forward so that they can walk away with the best fit. No one thinks about the subtle imperfections which are the real deal breakers depending on how annoying your partner finds them.
is so organised that they can account for every second of their time? Someone who has a specific pocket in their handbag for every essential. I know exactly what mine would say. She will cook you a treat provided you are happy to wash up after you eat. The worst chore ever!
For the last couple of years UKMatch have embraced this for their advertising campaigns. Using the hash tag #LoveYourImperfections, in print it features headshots with people sharing things about themselves that you would probably never think to discuss when out on a date. Ideal since love isn’t just a strong feeling about superficial things like how people look. Love is imperfect! The TV advert is set to Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus.
So many of us go through life struggling to accept who we are. We look in the mirror and see a mirage of discontent. We hold on to our flaws instead of celebrating life as we should and embracing who we are. Every day I strive to be perfect in my imperfections, secure in my insecurities, content in my pain, strong in my weaknesses and beautiful in my own very unique way. I wish the same fore you and that is why I heartily cosign this.
Imagine how vexatious Mark seen here on the top right would Click here to find out how you be to the spirit of someone who can join me on my #OdeToSelf mission.
WATCH UKMatch advertising campaign via www.bit.ly/ashmtch 64 A Souljah’s Hearrt
| Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own
FLAWLESS?
Hearrtily Cosigning
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ONTHEBLOG
You Can’t Hurry Love A broken heart is bad enough.
But to lose yourself is to lose your soul.
Souljah Monologues
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On The Blog
E verywhere I went I was hearing the same thing:
“Hurry up and get married. I must eat your Wedding Jollof.” Every African knows that whether in Ghana, Nigeria, Gambia or Sierra Leone, Wedding Jollof is the best jollof rice there is! “Just seen the perfect hat for your big day when is it?” That was the basic gist from aunts and grandaunts. It was as if they could think of nothing better to discuss whenever they saw me. Forget all the amazing things I am doing with my life. Forget that my company made front page news just the other day. Forget all of that. Who am I without a man to show for all these amazing achievements? If a man can’t find me and my achievements attractive enough to want to wife me, then said achievements can’t possibly mean anything right? My friends and I regularly giggled about these things as we shared similar experiences of conversations with the older women in our lives. Until they started getting married and I became the black sheep in the midst of a veiled herd in pure white; the always a bridesmaid never the bride cliche. “Surely you can take another chance on love.” “We haven’t heard of you dating in a while; don’t waste your pretty.” “Don’t you want to have children?” “Hurry up before its too late. What are you waiting for?” “Independence is admirable but loneliness is not cute.” Or my favourite; “Work! Work! Work! When are you going to slow down enough to bag yourself a man.” “Bag myself a man?” From what supermarket? What aisle? Can he be custom-made? Can I self checkout?
“Bag myself a man?” From what supermarket? What aisle? Can he be custom-made? Can I self checkout? That was a few years ago. While most of my friends were settling down and starting families, I was on an indefinite man ban. I was still trying to find my lost soul after a heart wrenching break up. A broken heart is bad enough. But to lose yourself is to lose your soul. It was akin to learning how to walk again because I realised I had put my everything into one man. I gave him everything. Every single piece of me and when he left, he took it all with him. I was nothing. Or let me rephrase that; I felt like nothing but an empty shell. Let me throwback a little further. When we started dating, I had one goal in my mind and one goal only: Prove yourself to be the perfect wife material and get your ring girl! I had a checklist of what the perfect wife should be. Proverbs 31 provided the ultimate guide. I lived my life by that checklist,trying so hard to be the woman I thought he would like for me to be. In the process I began to lose my true essence. I forgot how to just live and even how to love. I forgot how to enjoy life. I forgot how to enjoy precious moments and just be happy because I was too busy orchestrating my situationship to be the perfect set up for a marriage proposal. So instead of minding my own business and focusing on my love and my situation, I concerned myself with his friend who was getting married in a few weeks and yet there he was in the night club kissing on another girl while my Mr Right Then was right there and I was right next to him. Bemused he definitely was, but that didn’t matter to me because I was convinced that if that was happening in my presence, Lord knows what happens when I am not around. We argued, and we fought about something that had absolutely nothing to do with us. Trust issues. I had to check what my list said about this kind of behaviour. Surely being a party to this is against the rules. For both of us. Because of course I also had a checklist of what I felt the perfect husband should be and I was determined to fit him into that mould. Read the rest ON THE BLOG...
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ONTHEBLOG
I Hate Fake People
Sorry I dislike them. Bear with me.
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Subliminal Truths
On The Blog
Y es I hate fake people. Sorry I dislike them.
Bear with me. I am not perfect but if I have issues with anyone, for any reason, if I can’t confront it, I will keep my distance. One thing you would never catch me doing is badmouthing or mocking someone privately and then lauding them publicly for favour. Never have I participated in such fockery in my life. Never. I will smile and be civil to keep the peace, but that is it. What disgusts me even more, is when it is done underneath the mask of sisterhood. If I stand with you, I stand for you, through thick and thin, embracing all your flaws, regardless of what anyone has to say about you, until I can’t take it no more and then I bounce. Simple. I may complain about certain things, but I won’t dog you out behind your back while trying desperately to be your friend in your face. Oh you better believe that I can be fake too. I can be a really fake b!tch! I hate confrontations, arguments going back and forth etc. With my emotional mindset and passion I tend to save all of the above for people I love dearly or debates on issues I care about deeply. Some may put it down to a lack of courage and conviction. That in itself is a weakness. A horrible one. Sometimes I will rather suffer in silence and dig my way out, instead of confronting the issue. Dig, grin and bear it, until I find the end to my means. These are usually times when I feel like the issue might be a non-issue to the other person involved so why bother, or it is an issue that I don’t believe I need to confront because the other person should already know. I hate explaining that which should already be known and obvious. I know. I am working through it. If you are that kind of fake, we have to do better, but I am not talking about you. You see, sometimes unsolicited information will land at your feet that will make you think long and hard about how much of yourself you give, the people you trust and the people you surround yourself with. You may be left thinking what the flying fudge cake while you sip on the tea? You might feel confused. In shock you may want to divulge what you know, to reveal the hypocrisy and fakery that you have just been met with but please exercise caution. Stop yourself and in that very moment, you may actually feel the one hand of God over your mouth, the other holding your hand and leading you away. You may actually hear Him whisper very softly in your ears; “Mind your own business.” For a while now I have been praying fervently against she said, she said and the evil forces of fake sisterhood. For real. I can’t deal. I just can’t. As in I can combust when I smell it, see or hear it. I know my mouth. Madam Gossip Slayer! Walking around with a sword sling strapped to my back, feeling like a truth warrior. But I really don’t know what gave me the audacity to fight that battle when I am not perfect myself. I am learning that one wo/man can
For a while now I have been praying fervently against she said, she said and the evil forces of fake sisterhood. For real. I can’t deal. I just can’t. change the world but one wo/man can’t save it. Yes there is a difference. There is no point in running around trying to pick out other people’s faults or right other people’s wrongs. Why hold up the mirror to someone else when you can be staring at it and finding ways to better yourself? Why even try to correct the gossip when you can just change the topic and mind your own damn business? Call it paranoia but I treat everyone like they have an agenda. People use people when it is convenient or when they are desperate. Fact. Even people they don’t like. Fact. And the person whom you are trying to “save” may have their own agenda too. Fact. So mind your own damn business. On the other hand, if you are the one on the receiving end, if you wake up one morning and realise Damn! I have just been used and discarded like a piece of dirty tissue paper, don’t feel bad. Don’t you ever feel embarrassed or ashamed. If you gave yourself out of love, remember that compassion and a pure heart will always win! Always. Even when it doesn’t seem like it. Learn the lesson you need to learn and make better choices. No matter what you give, with the best of intentions, for some it will never be enough. Rip your heart out of your chest, and they will ask; does it come with your soul? So never cut your nose to spite your face for anybody! Because that same person will be the first one to shout to the world with a great big grin on their face that you are an ugly fool! Whatever you do, be conscientious and expect nothing in return. No respect. No love in return. No loyalty. Nothing. Expect nothing in return unless it is an official business transaction with receipts and you will sleep well at night. And if you get your worth in return, it will be a beautiful surprise. One wo/man can change the world but one wo/man can’t save it. Sorry if I sound like a broken record but it is a note to self. A reminder that change should always begin with you. Me. Not the fake people I hate dislike but me. My heart, my soul, my mental form, my entire being. I can control only me. I can change me. I can become a better version of me. But I cannot change anyone else. I have no power to dictate how someone else can make their lives better. The least I can do is inspire by being true to my authentic self and growing through rather than just going through the motions. I choose to focus on that. I choose to seek me first. Let the church say Amen! Read more Subliminal Truths ON THE BLOG...
A Souljah’s Hearrt | Souljah Of The Month | February’s Own 69
ONTHEBLOG
Reflections...
What is true beauty?
On The Blog
There are a many definitions of beauty
with variations. Men are visual creatures with an inflated idea of beauty. But to see how he really finds beauty in his surroundings, look at the girl with whom he spends time and feels most comfortable. She is often the opposite of the poster girl on his bedroom wall; maybe a close friend, sister, aunt or cousin. She is the one he enjoys being around the most. To be able to laugh with someone, we must drop our guards and feel comfortable around them. Beauty is to be free and to act naturally. Today, messages and information are aimed at us in very new ways. It is happening faster than humans can adapt and evolve. Life is demanding more than we can give. In turn, you rely on text messages rather than physical conversation. The heart is missing in our lives and we must bring it back. We judge the book by its cover. It’s usually untrue and unwise, but we place a great weight of importance on the first impression. Physical appearance is the first thing we see and it becomes our Achilles heel. The first impression is always the most expensive. It is expensive because of what we lose. The priority one sets on appearances in the physical realm is to deny oneself the quality and beauty of the spirit. If you choose to focus on the beauty within, you will receive the value of true communication with another. To ignore the essence of another is to deny your own humanity. Beauty has always been costly. By the time you have been plucked, pinched and enhanced, you can easily spend a fortune on the latest product or the most popular nip and tuck. The pursuit of beauty can also deny nature. In the fevered race to erase a wrinkle, we try to stop time and the slow and inevitable progress of nature. It is a fight no human can win. Beauty can also be a sport or a goal. Can you be more beautiful than you already are? No. Sure, every car needs a fresh coat of paint and a few new pin stripes but the real, true beauty comes from within your chassis. There is boldness in choice and people can easily recognize it in you. To choose beauty, determines that you have pondered the
Can you be more beautiful than you already are? No. Sure, every car needs a fresh coat of paint and a few new pin stripes but the real, true beauty comes from within your chassis. question, objectified the issues and made a choice. You have asked, “What will I project today? What will I put out into the world?” Then you choose and follow it through. Embracing victimhood is a way to lick your past wounds but it never yields any positive future-oriented gains. You lead by example. Choose beauty. Look at a flower as you would look upon a work of art. Appreciate it. Enjoy it. Relax and just let it all in. Then look at yourself the same way. You are a perfect and unique creation of nature, just like a flower. This may be hard to do and you must persist through all of the negativity and voices in your head. Remember those voices do not speak truth. They are merely the echoes of insecurity and comic relief. Appreciation for beauty isn’t forced. Beauty cannot be beaten into you. Beauty must be invited and it must flow. If you want to exhibit your true nature, all you can do is let go. These days, with life howling around us like a hurricane, we instinctively try to hang on for dear life. To be beautiful, to live in the flow, is a monumentally important task that requires only openness, desire and a few simple actions. Silence is the key that unlocks the mystery. A quiet meditation. Say a prayer. Sit down and have a little chat with yourself. Open this door and you will be answered with your own beauty. Do something that makes you happy. Let go and take the time for yourself. Something simple. Call a friend. Go to a movie. Get a massage. You do not need to spend a hundred dollars. Shop, but don’t buy anything, at a flower shop. Bake a cake. Take a hike. Do something that is purposed for you. When this happens, your beauty will begin to show. Others will recognize it and be drawn to it. That us when you have allowed your beauty to flow.
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