Angela Karanja

LEADERSHIP ROLE THAT MATTERS MOST...

— BY ANGELA KARANJA

Leadership role that matters most...

Have you ever felt that desire to change the world so deeply that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen? yes?

So, you boldly step out and acquire skills and strategies to make this happen!

I’d say everyone reading this has that desire; - otherwise you’d not be reading this – you are a leader at heart and that’s what leaders do, they deeply desire to make a difference.

But did you know that most of us leaders have neglected the ONE leadership role that matters most?

That was me about two years ago!

Most people know that for over 20 years I’d been working to empower young people to live their fullest potential- I was making a big mark in this area.

Then in our psychological research we began to notice that more and more parents were losing connection with their teenagers and subsequently their leadership role and influence. That’s when I pivoted to helping parents upscale specific leadership skills for parenting teenagers so parents could successfully raise mentally healthy and highly effective teenagers without losing their own mind.

Here’s the irony!

At around the same time, I was losing my own mind because the relationship between my teenage daughter and I was in crisis – literally we were not seeing eye to eye.

I was not only losing my mind, but I had also lost my influence and leadership in her life. Gosh, talk about feeling hopeless and helpless - it's a feeling that kills you silently as a parent.

The problem I had been graciously helping parents of teenagers to solve, was now in my home.

I can’t tell you the many nights I cried myself to sleep - wishing if only I could reclaim my relationship with my daughter.

Scarier for me is knowing that when teens are disconnected with their parents they become prime targets for mental health problems, crime exploitation, drug exploitation and sex exploitation.

What was I doing wrong?

What had happened that I lost my leadership?

One Monday summer evening, teen daughter was supposed to be going to her girl guides club.

Usually, we’d leave the house at 6pm to arrive at 6.15pm.

It’s 5.50pm now and no sign of a ready teen daughter downstairs.

5.52pm. I really should call out and find out if she’s ready.

But I didn’t.

I was afraid.

5.55pm. I’m now trembling.

But, I muster some courage, and I walk upstairs.

Truth be told, I had come to a point where I was afraid of my own daughter’s reactions.

5.58pm. I stood outside her bedroom door.

My knuckles are shuddering. I'm unable to knock - yet I know I must knock.

The clock hits 6pm.

I knock at her door.

Double guessing myself I mutter some words, cautious and determined not to cause trouble or rock the boat

“Do you remember it is guides…”

The full sentence had hardly come out of my mouth when the door flung open.

A visibly irritated teen sweeps past me, nearly dropping me to the ground.

Shouting “you do not tell me what to do”

At that moment I felt as if she’d driven a sharp sword into my heart whilst I was kicking for breath.

I knew something had to change!

It was a do or die day for me!

I followed her downstairs. I wore my running shoes and didn't say a word to her.

I asked my partner to take her to her guides club.

I jumped out of the house and ran!

My mouth burst wide open. I was crying! Warm tears mixing with warm sweat - dignity out of the window.

I ran and ran and ran.

I would have still continued running had I not come to this stream and the thought came to wash my face.

I immediately stopped, pulled closer and bent over.

I didn’t wash my face but instead watched as my tears dripped & dropped in the river and got dragged along.

After a few moments later I shouted!

What am I doing wrong?

The very same question I’d heard from so many parents of teenagers.

A voice, firm and soft, answered me straight away.

“if you want to change the world, go home and love your family”

I jabbed the water in the stream with my fist as if to beat that voice up!

I shouted back at the voice “I love my family”

The voice spoke again “then go home and practise what you preach”

Straight there was the revelation - I had not been practising what I preached!

And for this, I was paying dearly. I had lost my impact, my influence as a leader - clearly she had no respect for me.

For some strange reason I had thought I was invincible.

That I didn’t need to implement the skills and strategies specific for parenting teenagers, the ones I had been teaching and encouraging parents to learn and take action on.

Ridiculous right?

Especially for me as an adolescent psychologist and parenting teenagers expert whom you’d think should know better having observed my colleagues and other “supposedly good families” lose their relationships with their teenagers to mental health problems and other forms of teenage problems. Surely I should have known better - obviously not.

As I walked back home that night from that run, I made a definite decision to apply the specific skills and strategies for parenting teenagers into action, I was ready for my family’s transformation.

And this intentional decision changed everything!

My relationship with teen daughter began to improve. In just a few months, respect was restored. She now actually seeks advice from me and wants to listen to me. We have wholesome discussions and I’m so grateful to be able to make that positive impact in my daughter’s life.

I can today confidently say that I’m raising a mentally and highly effective teenager without losing my mind.

Here’s what’s even better, when I work with parents, I have the double whammy advantage of not only sharing the practical psychological strategies and expertise, but even more importantly heart-felt lived experience. I know the pain, fear and frustration of disconnection. BUT even better, I know the hope, the relief, and the true joy of regaining your relationship with your teen.

Mother Teresa's words are true unending wisdom “if you want to change the world, go home and love your family”

So, If you are ready to change the world, (i.e.) to raise a mentally healthy and highly effective teenager, then it's time to acquire and upscale skills and strategies for undertaking this most important leadership role.

My name is Angela Karanja, adolescent psychologist and world-renowned parenting teenagers expert and founder of Raising Remarkable Teenagers

https://www.raisingremarkableteenagers.com/

Let’s normalise intentional parenting and leadership – that’s the only way we’ll raise mentally healthy and highly effective teenagers without losing our minds.