LAURA TOOP

Laura is a grief & loss coach, a mentor and emotional health expert.

POWERHOUSE GLOBAL MAGAZINE (PGMAG)

INTERVIEW WITH: LAURA TOOP (LP)

PGMAG: Laura, welcome to today's interview.

LP: Thank-you for inviting me, I am both honoured and humbled to be here.

PGMAG: So, talk us through your journey of becoming a 'grief & loss coach'.

LP: 5 years ago, my life spectacularly imploded. I lost my husband, my health and my career in quick succession. Indeed, my then 4-year-old nephew said to me, ‘Auntie Lollipops (a.k.a. Me), now that Uncle Chris is dead, you have nothing1” He did quickly follow it up with ‘but I will look after you for 100 days’. Okay, so if you’re four, 100 days is a long time, but at 42, it wasn’t going to get me much passed March! The world was so spinning so fast around me, my mind was in a washing machine mega spin cycle already, and needed no further pressure from the world beyond. I had to allow myself the time to rest, the space to breathe., and everyone else’s voices be quiet so I could hear my own. I desperately needed to hear my own, and reconnect with who I was and what was important to me now my life had been reduced to nothing. 5,000 miles away, on an island, ironically called ‘The Happy Island’ by the locals, I found that space. &

began to put the pieces of my life together again, in the only way I believed I knew how by creating a plan! “Project Me” was born on that beach, in Aruba, in May 2016. I knew ‘Project Me’, whilst driven by me, would need external help. In the months that followed, I reached out for support to help me with the grief I was experiencing. Initially I reached out to counsellors, unfortunately in my area there were none who specialized in grief, but also, counselling didn’t feel like the right fit for me and what I needed right then. Counselling focuses on the past and our emotions, for me, no amount of focusing on the past was going to change the simple, yet harsh reality that Chris was dead & most definitely not coming back. I needed something different, something that would allow me to focus on what I was going to do about where I found myself now, and what I wanted for my future and would empower me to find the tools within myself to make steps forward and embrace my grief & loss in so doing. I was fortunate, one of the counsellors who I’d gone to see, realized my need was different from what she could offer, and recommended me on to someone else, a therapeutic coach. She wasn’t a grief and loss specialist, but her approach was the support I needed and felt I had been missing. Through my own experience with my therapeutic coach, I had been inspired to become one myself, in order to help people gain back clarity, rebuild their confidence and get back control with their lives. I was motivated by the gaping hole in the services available to those who have lost and are grieving, so this was the starting point of my becoming a grief & loss coach. I am a firm believer in being able to adapt what I do to be sure I can meet a client where they are at, rather than fit them into a specific box so I have trained in many areas that cross the coaching/ counselling divide, from NLP to Counselling, and CBT to hypnotherapy, for example, all so I can be confident I can offer the very best support at a critically, vulnerable point in another’s life

PGMAG: With the current global challenge (covid-19), where a lot of people are struggling to come to terms with their losses. How can your service help some of these people?

LP: The current global pandemic has interrupted or, in some cases, stopped completely our familiar patterns of behaviour which made us

I have learned many lessons myself, and whilst helping my clients. First and foremost, when the sense of overwhelm is building, stop and take a breath, pushing on through rarely gets us to our destination quicker, and if it does, the results often are not as we had hoped.

feel safe & secure, Navigating this uncertain and unknown world we feel many conflicting emotions, fear, anxiety, anger, lack of confidence, overwhelm, isolation, loneliness to name but a few, we are grieving the loss of not only what we had, but also of what might have been. For some, of course, these changes have involved the physical loss of loved ones, and normal grieving ‘rituals’ have not been allowed, which has added another layer of intensity to their loss. I can help in a number of ways, most importantly by meeting people where they are at. Loss is a very personal experience, and no two people will experience grief in the same way, offering a space without judgement, criticism or expectation is important for

people to begin to understand, to find their voice, and to connect with themselves and the world again. This is the foundation to regaining clarity, confidence and control once again. whether it be through 121, small group coaching and mentoring or wider support within my close-knit community group, I offer people that space.

PGMAG: What are some of the lessons you have learned, whilst helping others to gain control of their emotional health?

LP: I have learned many lessons myself, and whilst helping my clients. First and foremost, when the sense of overwhelm is building, stop and take a breath, pushing on through rarely gets us to our destination quicker, and if it does, the results often are not as we had hoped. Alongside this, is taking one step at a time, the skyscraper we have in our minds we feel we must achieve, does not need to be done by tomorrow! Focus on that one step you could do right now that will take you one step closer. It is a marathon not a sprint. To run a marathon, however, it is key to look after our physical health, and to put our own self-care, or as I call it, ‘me time’, at the center of what we do, after all if the heart is not pumping well, blood will not reach our organs, and we die, we have to look after our heart, ourselves, first, something we so often overlook.

PGMAG: If you knew what you know now, what would you do differently?

LP: I would have come to learn to love and accept myself sooner, all of me, the good and the not so good, and being ‘perfectly imperfect’, is okay, because I am just like everyone else in the world. Perfect is unattainable, it doesn’t exist. I would have been kinder on myself, and the expectations I placed on myself, taking more time to enjoy the moment, the richness of life around me, allowing things to unfold naturally rather than to force them to happen, things that were meant for us will not pass us by, so take time to enjoy the journey.

PGMAG: What are the top three books that changed your life?

LP: Randy Pausch’s ‘The Last Lecture Lessons in Living’ has particular resonance, as Randy, like my husband died of pancreatic cancer. Randy was a university professor, and it was tradition to give a ‘Last Lecture’ at the end of the year, in which the lecturer would give some thoughts to their students about life beyond university. Randy used this opportunity to leave his legacy to his wife and family and deliver what in fact was his last lecture, on achieving your childhood dreams. He said, ‘we cannot change the cards we are dealt, only how we play the hand’, life is a choice, we get to choose how we live that life, we can be ‘ether Tigger or Eeyore’, I wanted to be Tigger, to live life fully.

Brene Brown’s ‘I thought it was just me’, allowed me to begin to embrace ALL of me, and to realize in showing my vulnerability I was stepping forward courageously, and connecting with others in a truly authentic way, which gave me purpose and meaning in my life, people & experiences came into my life that brought me joy & happiness, which truly made me feel alive. I wanted to feel alive, with my inner sunshine shining brightly.

Michael Singer’s: ‘The Untethered Soul’, saw me recognize, fully, the only limits and boundaries in life are the ones we impose on ourselves, therefore it is only ourselves who can set ourselves free. He wrote ‘eventually you will see that the real cause of the problem is not life itself but the commotion the mind makes that really causes the problems’, and I did see, and I found inner peace, and set me free. I wanted to be free, to live beyond boundaries, a limitless life.

PGMAG: What is your message to those who are grieving for the loss of their loved ones?

LP: Losing a loved one, is one of the most painful experiences you can have in life, losing them during a global pandemic, with all the restrictions being placed on ‘normal’ grieving rituals and many not being present for their loved ones final hours, my heart goes out to you for the pain you are feeling.

Words can rarely offer solace for those who have been

bereaved, however, what I have learned for myself and through others is to breathe, be kind to yourself, grieve on your own terms, in your own time, it is you who is grieving the broken heart, the loss of a love, only you know what your love truly meant. There are no comparisons, there are no timelines, there is no right or wrong way, do what is right for you.

PGMAG: How would you describe 'fear', and what are some of the steps to conquer it?

LP: Harriet Lerner, in her book ‘The Dance of Fear’, describes fear as ‘what happens when we learn, from experience it is not safe to think, see, speak and act authentically’, I rather like this description. Fear can stop us in our tracks, prevent us from taking action, but there are some steps we can take to overcome it. Fear magnifies when no action is taken, we don’t need to take big bold steps, just one step forward to what it is we want, the more steps we make, so our courage grows. Yes, our momentum may flag, so find your ‘light leaders’, your ‘A-Team’, you know, those people who inspire you, motivate you, help you figure out & find that first step and remind you of your own potential & your possibilities. Reach out, too, to the ‘torch bearers’ those who have had similar experiences, for wisdom, for insight and most of all reassurance you are not alone.

PGMAG: What would you say to your younger self?

LP: Have faith in who you are, and what is important to you, focus your energies on the things & people that truly bring you alive, that spark the sunshine within you, rather than trying so hard to meet the expectations of others/society. Do not worry about what others think of you or make comparisons, they will take you off course from what truly brings you joy to your life. Your time is a precious gift there is no rush to get to the end game, enjoy the journey. fill it with things & people who bring you joy & make you feel alive.

PGMAG: What motivates you to keep pushing forward in life?

LP: My cause, that every voice should be heard. I want to leave this world feeling I have had some, albeit small, impact in making it a better place for my nieces & nephew & the generations who will follow after me. I actively seek to break down barriers that prevent freedom of voice, as I will not watch on at the pain & the suffering from the isolation & anxiety it creates. I believe, in being heard, we begin to understand, and in being understood, so it is I feel we can truly & authentically connect with one another, with love, kindness, compassion & respect. We all have our challenges, many of them hidden, but treating others as you yourself would like to be treated, is a good start to making this world a happier & more joyful place to live. Because, for me, it is people, in the end, that truly matter in our lives. There is nothing like loss & death to teach you that lesson.

PGMAG: Thank you for your time today. We are grateful for your contribution.

LP: Thank you for inviting me, I appreciate the opportunity you have given me today.

PGMAG: Please share your contact details with our readers.

LP:

email: laura.bridgingthegap@ gmail.com facebook.com/lauratoop. bridgingthegap linkedin.com/in/ laurabridgingthegap