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APOCALYPSE TOP Or THE TCPS lt-". t6t'ov' ALBAN rAN roor-BALL
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F IVEC,O MAD
IN TURO?E
TLTTRBOROUCU UTD,
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ATTILA THE STOCKBROKER
\
q€T U? AruI) This issue's look at o.
RA l\rTt N q Noh[mRt Nq PcrrRy
V*lliarq {he,Cffil Hel'etB a quest.iorr []eople ofren po$e * iu co$rr f ron, Billy llrsgg, s
Wtrere .loes
to the m,ntirtg poetrY section of 4, featurtrtg elaasic works of ErrylLish Literature fnorn sueh LnlLot'ted artd revered the - aeribes as KooL Y'notee, Attila Veleome
ELaz,e
'toekbroker ard Suvift ltr'ek. Ve start wttt a eouple IYon Riclnrd KooL lrnotes Eduards, internatiottallA rerwurned ag the man behind the gneatest fanzine in the hiotony of tke entire univenee, CooL \btes - a rwn, stnarqelA obsessed urith regga'e'
ar-d goats, who lns only one naion - he eupports Colehester Wnited! Vhen youtve stopped Laughirq, Let me remind Aou tltat the bro Boys thnasheC the Essex Bcutn 2-A at Lonclpn Road Last xer$Qnt an'd with ullparcLleled generosity, gm,ci,austy allouted tlwm a drart at La,yen Road, Posh ertd.ed up one pLaee arul one point aboue the M{ghty busea
fafit
s, Hal Attila tlte Stoekbroker is, at the moment, eonvcrleseing in Hqrlou, Teeouering slouly and. painfuLlA from a t'nntonly vioLent attack by a bedspring in ,lltisaerdine in Ihe despicable, achen'tng, }ctober. eonniuing abiect, obuiouslu in League with the spirit of tlwt tw'heaCed boungeoie f.izard Kiry bg, or else that filthY ' ,euisioniat Cryotal Palaee &tppontens Clubn d in thrc nrtddLe of the night' piereing the Stoekbnoking buttoeks, &d caueirq a tetarus scave t?voughout ffutlard, nrteerable atincker t I Ihe inanimate exietenee urLLL make ite only w"tlathile eontTibution to Life on this plane,t uhen it is arctioned at ow Ethiop'ia benefit on tFyidaA 23rd Nouember, at Peterbonough Toun lJ '
HaLL,
firtft fftek, mearuhile, ts und.engoing psyehiatrie treatnent for a t'teind mental diacrder, whieh rmnifests i tsetf in the moet distaatefuL of aLL syrnptoms - he supporte ItuLL City ! They 're almost dz$ bad as Pont VaLe! fut, enough of this parti?,Qn' intoLerunt iwnsense - stuff old.-fashioned,, elitist, irteontpnehenat)ble, 'deep' poetrA & this is rantirq verset
nclge?
A long rinre ago, down in llest l{am, A trorrib le utrape elrer:getl f rom a pram. [.Ias i t bu i 1t by r.tie Egypt i enr ? Was i u tlre f in of' & gr"eat whi ue shark? Was i f a nehr ltrfl$€$ frarr ier? A giant lrod carrier? 0r an extens ir:n [o Uplon park? t{e11, the t,rur[h of ttre natter is, nobotly really nose, They jusr ca'tt Irace thre rear tiirrrrplace of that cerrible, iiianf ltrmSr on hie fu.*, So they called ir llilly llreggts none. They waLclre.d Ililly's n(lse Brov,rl like Pinnoctrio, I'eo1:1e lauglr wtrerevcr lre g$es, but tlrey run f ,,rr cover wlr€n he b lows that nose. {icot r- iee airr t r enough, Kl eenex a irr t t toirgh . ccls our Ililly needs muclr sfrr,nger stulf , You f ee l t lre g rr.rtftl t r"emb le bcnea th your t ee t when lre bl:wg tris nose wirtr a double bed eheet. l{ow tsilly'" f'l lowi.ug lri s gu i t.ar herc}es, wlrere it's what yorr we.;rr"$ arrd Lhe styLe of your hair, anrl no* one care$ alrr;ut ttre s i_ee of your no$e . (When lre s i ng s , '[c, llnve Or Have ]b t i , he doesn t t. uesn rnoney, tre redll I y neans snot , ) ttilly went far, wiilr hie,ro$€ and gui ter, l ike Pe te T'r**strend lre bec&me rr $ tar lle made a record ttratrs Lrigtily reted, Bi g conks l:,*c'nnm Bo Eophirticlrcdl I lnd (lle ringe atiout '[l'rn l*tarr In r]re rron I'lask.., lrut [o get i t *,ver hi ri ccrrk wot.rld be a bloocly task. ) Tlren rhe trousewivea I lrcf,o came to one af h is sh ot.rs ancl I}iIIyts no$e ctraIleugetl Barry Hauilowrs. Ril Ly co*ld*'t stancl hig sickening poae, 8c) he floored tlre creep virlr a couple of bloi,rg f rorn thst conk, tha[ trroke the baalard I s nooe. BUL potrr tli t ly ran rlut of luck, CIne nigtrt on atngfl.".. ,lisaster srruck, l.lith both lrarrrlg on tiis gtritar tre tregan to plsy, lruI ttrat massivc uncrrrt gof in tlre *uy. l,llr*n the rnicr"olrhune torrc lr,ltl tl i I ly t * rl$8e i t cerrt f ive e hounanrl vol te rhro*glr to hic toefi. A pair af pliursollg itepr lJilly sliv€, Lrut thgt f arunue snout d i<in, t surviue, lle was rtrelrerl to ht;api ca I f or a hurried oFeraE ion, rro tirne for det>attr or coneu'l ratiorlr they replacerl it wirh a sirerr f'rom rhe ambulsnce st.ation. ni t l.y wa6 f ur i r.l'B wlrerr lre t ire r awoke, liut 6(x)n saw tlre funny sicle ofl ttre joke. 'coe the ttAF bought Bi.ttyrs t'aruoue lrooLer, added a Ro l ls Royce eng ine ancl a sinc l ai r compucer. Arrql tlre f'ormer priile of I$itlyts face wss launclrerl ds a saIc]. lit-e Lut tc; .space, srtql fhc wlrole worltl i:r-rrrltl hear, irearned fronr tlre sky, 'l,i{'e'tr A Rjot hli th Spy Vs. $pyr, Itirl.y anrt refurnetl til IIast Hs' l*cw he'etired worka CIn rhe roo f ilf an ice cream varl * n
\{#
Krt,ltes
,84
A.{e* fihrencr
'Iti..:Be are Lrr.rtttr I t:rl t tuics $cre;ilu press lreadI iirtrs, foo rnanv $tri.kes aili.l jrracis(ltrat-* i.i-r,es
rs$$iat$ to b€
f,59r000.
lderk's business Pnrtner, Mr
$teve Tipping, cleims that the rnoney wiU eventuelly be Prid M"*1, into the rccountE
of
-.^S.T'St1f-t
'Ihere I s tttrtclr nroney t {'.t he u1srlr* in lurt igrr litn,t r if ycil know thre r igtrt pr*r};rle' atrd sliake tlre rr1;trt. liutttl:*Ot' c{}urst} ir helps if. you employ
z, -
s
c-crnenta*
tion's betnlf for work during thi$ period F $aid bY his
fgr peace prot-t'gi:t,:rs atltrJ lrir:ket littes. tlut tirey Chrrclse tt.t i#,11Ortl sp&rg pt:t)plets clitiit:$* Y1;u wOtl t t S€t: i rr llr"{tftft (}r lrea r (}lt Ilitt tlehtS aIoul- tlre slrady dealp tl[' Lor,.l ]"lal-fltews. Maggie matJe lrinr art ui"ter he c()ulclnr I ref ttse" Ite wa6 a bloke wlro ctlulcl H$fiily {rf turd tlre [40,000 f'ee fur tr*r:unirrg, s I.,ortl . He hild ntltttirrg Lo loo* rllsti ttruclt trl g,e irr hry invcatinp, in Ihu'I'ury clecepti*n canr[)aiiirt. Ilecauge wittr sclrtlnee Iike t"his fortunes are in*de, and fwel"ve rnotit-hs laIer" the debt wa$ F€[raid.
z IrI
femd
on
Secret payment
M*rgfiretf e littIe: girlrlr:rr br:Y. llrere al'd f rieirrl$ in trigli pl acrl$ Iiir t lrt.' lriE uroney rilr:ttl and t.lrere is tto li r.gticr ttumhet" f ltnn rtumtrtlr t-en. In tlre Hiddle llitsI a cortt-rilt:t was ]r(]tl wi.tlr ttre co-optirtit itin of' "llrfltclier al'rd 6oli is Io c{irllpleIe the 8uil1. Now atl t.lraLrs lt,tt t40rtJ00 lor t-tre elt:ctiotr fun'{, a f 59 , t)00 li orttrs I'o t' ite r f iivcltr r i Le sotl r Ltlrcl t'laf thews is in tir* I..or"ds tc Lakc his $t:at, f ui th a tl{)t} rur ll iorr 1,rot i i. and thtl rieal. s l:(iilil)l*te.
I
F
Ttrtrge
E
are trottirletl
llut thtly cttoose to i.14rrore SSue Pflopte: t'inanci.a1 deaIs $lttl oltl si-''tr{x}I ties KeeP'crirt Y 1 i *er
#il WERY TIHf,
hy Artila
I
Shipping (995,810) ; Trafalgar Hou.se (f40,000) ; Hanson Tnrst (f40,000) ; Northern Engineering Industries (f40,000) ; .Trustlouse Forte
; and
Neparthill,
concertr (t35,000).
Ihe
critues.
uF
chairmen
of four
,t\
5
search says, have recelved peerages from Mrs Thatcher. They are Lord Cayzer ( of
British and Cornrnonwealth Lord Matthews (Trafalgar House), Lord
Shipping),
Forte, and Lord McAlpine of Neryarthill.
EAT VECf,TAIILES - . .
Eha $tockbroker lc)84
V
()' rlre h lanr{e.s t hnrrt in llor-erlom vou dre ttre c$f}t s i rt of i"lre creb, b atrtleveryrinteleafvegetalrlenirmakeglllr|tlrink;lfY(}ti. you rl ieil tlre ,lay ttrat you brere horn and nob, yfiil sit and rnt-
a ttrrer-piece-suitetl dinotsur in the lronrt that tirnr forgof .. y6rrr irnage is rs$yrectahle, theret s notlring rtnderllt' ath an4 tlre phole rlrinlg is as aurety false as [isther Rantut:nrri t{' r'tlt y6trr views drre car:hon copiee or tlre rublrislr tlrat yott read an,l you ,qwnl I r:w every morse l" Rupert ilurrlocll Bneks to fet d Y6rr ll6 f r) lier'l nt f en hecaufie youtve ncttring t:1s* f rr rlo anrl every f inre I eal vegetah[ea it makrls fitr tlrink rrf yolr. o
\.t
f
w o
s
of
these eompanies, Labour Re-
t*i agony, n() ecstsrlyf n() ples$ilre sttd no pain s0 r.xqr,isifely rrlintereatlrrg yotl tlrive YOur r"tife itrsane 'llre IV iu your orrtcle, ttre rleht6paperB your gtriile anrl your.,i,i,,y Iitrl.e velrir:le is y(rur lrfltrtiir:n and yoirr Prttltr Y'u've rlclne ttre {l&lne f li i ng,a every rlay f or rr iglr on f 0rty yi:are anrl in yorJr lurticroua r()r.rtirren y(lu tride yorrr w{}rtlrle*x fcara
@
I
the building and constiuction
.'fn
-
British and Conqonveslth
(ti!?,800)
t.r.l[es
scream preBu lr€ad I i tres, too lnany striktrs tind i.nadequate fines f or peace proLr:6L(:r.s arrcl picket lines ' ts
o
It "sqys, came last year from
lrint of nralir:c r-attrer tlrap eperrd the tlay wi rh yriu l rJ plrry f or tlryb t al I'rl lace l I rea I 1y love your cumpatly wlren you art] far awny irnrl I ' I i go ttr* re t omorr()e it yott'r'e goinp, t lit:re' to.ltty
And nDw ii fcw clroice norda witlrcxrr tlre slillltteuf
$
r
If yog love tlre e6fahlishment as rttrctt aB yLlr.t rlt:clare t6en p.o t.rl a ('rrrise rnisuile ha*e nlril e$Lilblislr yoursel i r.hef8.. Ynt"r" tltr" nri'ldlr:-sgcrl e{ltlivalerrt r:rf- a ki'l wlt'rrs sltit ting p'ltre arrtJ evrry t ilue l- caf veg$tatr leri i r ntakt'* rlr{." ttr ink trf yort.
anrl yorlr Itrnin liss $l]rttlti: ,i lerk 11 pickIe t{:on I veirnit wtr*rt yotl tiilt:irk Bil ItrLflce keep {}rlr digr.ance Itl1 riluays rlp a rtrnner fo [|m trioirrg tllrere y,ru've bt:.rtt tcgB t1 ri6(: yilri clri.llr ny mnrrow RttrJ t.ur"rtti nty toffi,Ilfrt{'B gr'(:tll} ycrit rc $n eigtrIeen carrtlt crerirr wif lr H ,lnn,ir:l iorr wlrirre r t $o s r ick tn y.rrrr lrerbaceou$ lrordelr .lnrl I I I rt. rck l.rl ttti rte hr,tI it's trtlet-qit irtpl nulitiz,ilrg glt.irorrgih is cr)rrt!, verge rlris nrrr! that. {}vcr-y tirng I e$t vegr}tnt, les it maltc* tn(r f-lrink 0f Y{ill: K.*--p
you, r.t. {r calrhage irr
c3 fi (3
"-llfr r
0K, to titit one'A a,Lneadg been in Tin.ane Thtta.th 2, @ollatu 7, Janming: 20 ,,,.. Btrt the,La alte undoubtetl-Ll ttillnilliont o{ undontunatz fudividuolt who have ywt. UQ,t ,Lefld it., atd. wlw mbted teu.ng Niek pa$onn it on The Tube., a0,,..... .
6uftt
-In
nn{
ore, they a Iwayrl conte att'l ['ve seen these cults sttd f arl* tre f ttt-i' nrr-rlt ti[1-:tt'!lf Itlo$st)m Like ttre tre{::s rtl st,ri,rrg tlrcn
Sr)
'
Itve seen the rri.rty*grit.ty skinhe,arle and rtre atty-farrY sttldenf$, lrve Been rtre wirIy-Jritifrrl treatnik.*r and those triplry* l- I ilipartt lttCIve$rettt $. Itve clrtrnk wi ttr the t't"tti Iy-l'uf i le glarn-1"(]ckers arrd tlre ir lrotne -m&de atrurle f r i etrtl $ , Eaten with f rarrt ic nelt rontanr icpl and brougtr t i r bac k ltp i"n lrunky t rrntlg . The aggrers ive modg gntl ror:ker.'$ becflme lr ot rotlr arrtl urrlrkwrs in chenrica I t,##tr: f i.r.:rrn, fire no-\dfive brciuglr t new wsve thrt t e ltattged to trunky- ftrnky rnpyr i ng fact. i onn
4
i,
I krit'rw I mtrgt arknit' ' ' I waa clrawn j us t' a 1 i rt 1r: tri r O, o cotrPle of cheee attit'ucles' But r.here sre ttrose I ccluld nall'tl wlto I know wcxrld treg,in Ii) claiin ttratno.onegugEcdt.ll(llral.lre-t:ltt't^le(t. t ruus t have becrr a Put{ irr a Hrrttk , wtrir:hever you prefeir to clroone, Btrt I cail t r get ttre l.ur,rk *t l l-o a f ee, I e t tluwtl lry liiy p I ;t t" l'r'r rttt slt *e $ . I
lcantLigrrorettreexIt'{::tneexfrr}vtlrts' Ihar i.s the Perv&rr'$f
0
on tlre i r: k nob e ' ic schoolhrtlys in LLe i r c l aus ' hash' wtrct Prefetrtl t-o rebel by snolcirrg andtrelievertreylrerrritlrJleclarisyrllrs'
wi uh c r €affi buns
A";
ptrhr
l
Yourre all starrdini:, irr cl it:hcrtt pelttr-rri, tri tlr rubber tr i*etl irr t nofie& | snd laughe as f a I r** ss your t'ee tlt '
\*."
,,\
ne your orrtfitf e an irJentity, but reat1y it,ts a nonettt:ihy, wi. ttr notlr i.ng rrnil€irrrleHtlr.
You tell
ffi:y,,,,*oft:fl8{1tt*rcttang,*rther*or,lrl rehell"'i"r:ttf B alwaya coB we,re yo"rrg an4 valati.le an*J
9.A
f.s
'+
4o\ C
lr'rerks 1i'ke' And $e nll i*nn* wlraf. ff r$voiutinnfiry I vs lrre t t sut iltt tlr* n lr *t*l t' coe ue ' $oa[)-boxt]c' t,irnping a l.rng csrr:ying poI't-ab l* t$ltl-flway ,-l i r+sat is f ac t i ott ' ical toa spew t-o ich wh f rom ^ f-
ls swadt
vtr
toeoe'
,-*t"*
ic yotrf ti ' Arrottrer etngt i6nal srrf)€:r*clt*g.gerl ert(lrget' sec sriy flctLoil. rievet Lrut we Just like rtre cuIrs antl fad*, f w{rt We -ius t ralnb le otl f rlr" a yecrr rrr unt-il. otrr ti-nre is ttrrrruglr,
ttren tade ai-rsy irrto obscut:ity'
tltrt nol, wetve re,&li$ed ttte u&elessr'ltit' in I . let s cltanrrel ottt. s trerrl;t h irr trtti ty,
llvery rrationrt yottth togetlrer, all rel igi.otts <ttte, lranple on liravea of 1>ae t. prc juilicer llate, cl.taa, corrd irioning untiL every one ia gerne. $tart the final youth $ovement und bring orrr kirla u1i rigtrt, Hake renl hate lhe usel.eg wars:rld g()vernmeuLri Llto! ruakc vorlting people Liglrtt If the ponerts Lhere anong us, lecra all ntrine the gui.ling light, fluori.rh overrriglrt. Sow rhe futureta ueeds lluw.........to
unI
S,-rt
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