REFLECTIONS

CARLOS CARA: I’d like to start our time together by reading you a quote from your installation speech on September 8, 2008. You said, “At this moment, we are all a part of something much larger, much greater than ourselves. I’ve come from Virginia with my family because of that belief and because of the ideals and values of Princeton Day School and those who are here today: values of patience, equity, excellence, empathy, justice and respect.” That’s a powerful and lasting statement. Do you remember that day and how you felt as you began this journey?

PAUL STELLATO: Wow. Yes, I remember that day quite vividly. You know, my experience here from the moment I stepped on campus to interview was incredibly powerful. I began to pick up in conversations a deep love and fondness for this school that I just hadn’t experienced elsewhere. And PDS is my sixth school. So you can say I’ve been around the block! (He laughs). But there was something incredibly powerful happening here, and then it just amplified.

CC: Did you find that same energy and emotion in the students?

PS: Oh, certainly. I knew that getting to know the students was most important and also would be the most difficult. So every two weeks for a year, I had lunch with student leaders. The editor of the Spokesman, Jake Felton ’09, even wrote about our lunches. So, I was able to get a good feel for the beating heart of the school. Which was, of course, the students. That perhaps was a different approach for the school at the time.

CC: Yes, it was. I believe you were the first head to write to every faculty member asking to meet individually that summer. You and I had a great conversation, and then you did that with, what, another 100 people?

PS: It was terrific. And I think it perhaps inspired me to get back into the classroom. I couldn’t commit to a yearlong Upper School course, but I taught a Middle School elective for four or five years. Many of those students I taught gravitated to this office to become my advisees when they moved to the Upper School.

CC: I think that’s the beauty of PDS. You know, Kathy Schulte [assistant head of school for advancement and strategic priorities] has a quote about you that ties to this. She says, “Paul put the mirror up to our faces and made us see the magic.” Meaning that not only did you appreciate what was here and the traditions and the people around you, you wanted to take it one step further. You saw the possibilities.

PS: Well, I think, even going back to the years of Miss Fine’s School and Princeton Country Day School, this was a place of history and achievement and aspiration. The school had and has the one virtue among many, the one virtue that every school covets and very few schools have — it’s prized academic and intellectual excellence and rigor. And so, with that, anything is possible. Not to mention the incredible faculty who prize both the minds and the hearts of the students they’re working with.

CC: Speaking of the faculty, it’s dawned on me just how many faculty and others have sat here in your office on this very couch over the years. I’m sure it’s heard many a conversation.

PS: (He laughs). I remember once when some middle schoolers needed me to remind them on how to be their best selves, and I was asked to attend a Focus Assembly to speak to them. And so I introduced myself and said, “My office is across the hall from the Health Center, and I have a couch across from my desk. I have lots of conversations on that couch, and it’s often the case that if you’re invited to sit on the couch, things may have gone astray. So I invite you to sit on the couch for the right reasons.” And, what do you know, the next day I had a parade of middle schoolers poking their heads into my office.

CC: Is that the magic of the couch?

PS: I think it’s a privilege of being the head of school. It’s the privilege and the responsibility to often speak with people at their most vulnerable moments. And, one reality of my work is that, despite having a packed schedule, I rarely get through my day as it’s lined up. Because my door, and my couch, are open.

CC: I know that any time I’ve appeared in your doorway looking for advice or to talk, I’ve always been invited in. Invited to the couch. “Have a seat on the couch,” I think, is the infamous line.

PS: We just hosted an alumni reception in Boston and Isaac Rosenthal ’16 and Rory Finnegan ’13 introduced me — apparently I’ve been around long enough that my former advisees are now introducing me at alumni gatherings — and they both say, “Is the couch still there? But more importantly, you don’t let anybody sit in our seat, do you?” (They laugh).

CC: Do you reflect on the conversations you’ve had in this office when you’re away from campus? When you’re fishing, let’s say. What do you think about? What memories come and go for you?

PS: (He pauses and reflects). When I returned from my medical leave, I stood on the McAneny stage in front of the entire Upper School, and the first thing I said was, “When I was in treatment every day, I thought about coming back to the stage. It’s what kept me going. It was the thought of all of you, it was the thought of this.” I reflect constantly on my work, on the students and on the remarkable transformations and self-discovery that happen here. And in those reflections, I realize I have, too, been changed. You can only do this work by evolving and adapting.

CC: I feel that when I walk from the parking lot every day. And what you said about transformation goes beyond the individual — you had transformative visions surrounding the institution as a whole from day one. Even the positions you created — the director of wellness services, director of diversity, equity and inclusion, director of service learning, director of performing and fine arts and design… in some ways, you put things in place before we realize that we needed them. Amazing results came from that.

PS: That’s a lovely way of putting it. I remember a conversation very early on when I asked Treby Williams ’80, former board chair, for direction. She said, “We trust you to take your time to get to know the school.” That stuck with me. So I started teaching, I started meeting with the students and I soaked it all in.

CC: And then the ideas began to flow?

PS: Well, yes, but always in partnership with others. Years ago, former Head of Upper School Carlton Tucker, several past faculty members and I got into conversations about the social, emotional and mental health of our students and the ways in which stress was compromising the learning taking place. Because of their insight, a group of faculty wrote a proposal for funding from the Edward E. Ford Foundation in New York. There was an opportunity for us to build a wellness program that stands alongside our academic program. We received the funds which gave us legs to approach donors for additional support, and we were fortunate to receive an endowed gift. Then we were off and running. It’s always the confluence of the idea, the financial support and the people.

CC: I agree. And I think you could say the same thing for the STEAM initiative.

PS: Absolutely. The STEAM initiative really took off when three faculty members arrived almost at the same time: Jason Park, Lee Rosenberg and Jason Robinson. You get those three giants in a room, and they’re bringing all of their resources together around one idea and giving it shape. I just stepped out of the way. Now we have extraordinary STEAM facilities in each division. We were very fortunate they all landed at PDS at the same time. Fortunate that Candy Shah [director of wellness services] was here, fortunate that Lisa Surace [associate head of school] was here.

CC: It really is remarkable. But I don’t think it’s just luck. Under your leadership, people are encouraged to create, to push the envelope, to have ideas and come to you or go to others and say, “Look at this possibility.” There has to be some catalyst that allows that to happen.

PS: I appreciate that. You know, sometimes it’s directing one way or the other, and sometimes it’s just listening and nudging. Take the sustainability program, one of our signature programs. I arrived in June of 2008, the garden had been built in late April of that year. This was a very new program. One of the first people to visit me that June was our former colleague and friend, Liz Cutler. I knew nothing about sustainability. Nobody did — except Liz.

CC: She certainly did!

PS: I quickly realized that my job with that program was to always support it, support Liz, but also occasionally challenge it. And always get out of her way! (They laugh). She knew where we were going, and the worst thing I could do was to stand in the way.

CC: People, resources and a little push in the right direction.

PS: I think so. And the right circumstances. Take our DEI work, which is central to our institution. I knew Tony McKinley [director of diversity, equity and inclusion] when he was a student of mine at Millbrook School. I bumped into him there 20 years later as a teacher, and he was surrounded by a group of kids. I said, “When you’re ready to move, come and talk to me.” He came here and was a great English teacher and a very successful coach. When the world began to understand — and I began to understand, because I didn’t understand the way I should have — the challenges presented to students, people of color, I knew I needed to listen. I was able to turn to Tony for guidance and benefit from a relationship of 20 years.

CC: That could be a difficult conversation. Having built those bonds made it a lot easier, I’m sure.

PS: Absolutely. Bonds are built through peril and prosperity because there is richness and there are lessons in both parts of that. They go hand in hand, especially in a school. You know, the people who were at the helm of the Thrive! Campaign will tell you there are really two campaigns. There’s the one I thought up by myself, which did not work, and the one that was crafted through the good advice and the guidance of those around me, which did.

CC: There it is.

PS: All I did, in the end, was give voice to it, to speak about the school in a way people recognized.

CC: It needed to resonate with them.

PS: Yes. I want people to be proud of PDS and to see themselves in that narrative. You know, when Jack Wallace ’48, the longest-serving board member and graduate of Princeton Country Day School, comes to an event, he always says to me, “Are you reading off a sheet of paper or are you speaking from the heart? If you’re speaking from the heart, I’ll be in the front row.” It’s about being moved by the moment.

CC: I recognize when you are fully invested, when you are speaking from the soul, and I truly think I’ve learned something from you every time I listen. And Thrive!, by the way, really allowed incredible things to happen here — increased endowment for financial aid, for faculty support, new facilities like the Athletic Center…it’s remarkable.

PS: Visitors to our campus should have a memorable welcome. The elegant front sign and the warm Colross living room, both designed by David Burkett [architecture teacher]. The main building, with gleaming spaces in every direction — the arts atrium straight ahead, an inviting Shepherd Commons and its classrooms to the left and language and math classrooms to the right. A wall of glass for the STEAM Center, allowing everyone who walks by to be pulled into the space. And the Princeton Day School Athletic Center and its Linville Lobby, from which spectators can watch games in every direction. We’ve built beautiful spaces that enhance the experience for all.

CC: Absolutely. And of course, faculty benefit from this, too, which means our students benefit.

PS: I wanted us to attract and retain the best students we could find. A number of very generous donors helped us build an extraordinary endowment so we have more funds available for need-based financial assistance. But I didn’t want to lose kids to other schools. I wanted the most committed, engaged and curious kids we could find, which then goes to what the student body becomes over the course of 15 years. And so they have shaped the program, they have made of it things that I couldn’t imagine, that you couldn’t imagine. That’s the beauty of it.

CC: I’m curious, as you’ve spent so much time and energy invested in the growth of PDS. What happened when you got home at the end of every day?

PS: Much of what I may feel at the end of the day I talk to Maureen about. Maureen and I have lived our entire adult lives together in schools. She is deeply steeped in it. And she’s been and continues to be a vital part of the success of this institution. And I listen very closely to what she has to say to me, so I’ve gotten some good advice.

CC: I’m certain that’s true.

PS: But I’ll say also, Carlos, that I have been in partnership with four world-class board chairs. Treby Williams ’80, who brought me on board, steadied the school (and its new head) during the recession of 2008-2009, guided and supported me and set us on the right course. Barbie Cole ’78, a brilliant thinker and strategist, generous and empathetic, as dear a friend as I will ever have. Rebecca Bushnell ’70, whose trajectory was altered profoundly by a world-wide pandemic and social awakening. And Marc Brahaney P’11 ’15, who began our relationship as a member of the search committee that hired me, will close our school relationship as the board chair and who shared these wise words with me on the day I was appointed: “You’ve successfully led a school that struggled, and we’re excited for you to lead a school that is flourishing.” Those words capture the trust that each of them had in me and in the hopes they have had for our school.

CC: So, now, it’s time to begin anew and build new relationships steeped in trust in your role as head of school at Friends Academy in Long Island. What drew you there?

PS: At the core, what I sought and valued in this community, I believe I have found at Friends Academy. And I found it there. It’s about the students, that’s where the meaning is for me. I imagine people sort of scratched their heads when I announced this new role and said, “Why?” But, truly, the ‘why’ is actually all around us every day.

CC: It goes back to the question of if teaching is a profession or if it’s a calling.

PS: That makes me think of my final interview as a candidate for this job 15 years ago. The first classroom I ever stepped into on this campus was one of your freshman biology classes. So my impression of the school, of its academic and intellectual rigor and of its deep and abiding care of students…you were present at that creation. It’s one of the reasons I’ve sought you out so often. And it’s one of the reasons this is a community that places such value on that. I see the enormous pressure put on our students and also our faculty — achieve, achieve, achieve. Push, push, push. And yet, we are surrounded by — and we spend our days in the middle of — people who care about the habits of heart and soul as much as they care about the habits of mind.

CC: That’s true. This leads me to my last question, which I’m not sure you can do, but we’ll give it a shot. (They laugh). Can you sum up your time here, the lessons learned, the inspirational moments, the ups and downs, the good and the bad…can that all be summed up in one word?

PS: (He pauses). It’s been renewing. I’ve been renewed at almost every turn. That’s what it is. This also answers the question of why I’m taking on a new role. To feel renewed, to continue to be renewed. Why would I stop?