KINGDOM ETHICS D a v id p. G u shee
What Kind of People Succeed in Marriage? It’s summertime, and the wedding magazines are everywhere. It seems time to consider once more the issue of marriage. Marriage reveals and tests character. It shows you who you are and who your partner is, in all your glory and in all your weakness. Every marriage book or conference offers discussion of issues like communication, intimacy building, romance, conflict resolution, and so on. Most offer tested techniques and skills aimed at success in these arenas. This is all very important, and yet there is another level that goes beneath all these techniques and skills and moves to the pivotal question of character. We can gain the right knowledge about what works and what doesn’t in these various areas. But we have to become the kind of people who have the core capacity to succeed in marriage. And this cannot be taught in a marriage seminar. But here Christian faith does have particular insight. The Bible teaches us that we are God’s wonderful creation, made in his image and much beloved by him. He made us full of capacities for relationship, love, reflection, growth, and change. But the Bible also says that we are damaged, that the world is fallen, that nothing in the world is untouched by sin. It goes on to say that, in Christ, healing is possible. There can be restoration toward what we were made to be. Creation-Fall-Redemption is what this pattern is called in Christian theology. And it is very clear from scripture and hard experience that the redemption process is never complete in this life. We can make
progress — but it never ceases to be a struggle, and we remain painfully imperfect all the days of our life. So those heading to the altar this summer will do well to remember each day that your new spouse is a good yet fallen creature, who with God’s help is struggling toward being their best self but often falling short. And of you, too, this is true. Remembering this can help create a basic posture toward yourself, your spouse, and your marriage that simultaneously aims for excellence while being unsurprised at mistakes and failures. I suggest that perhaps the first attribute of the “kind of people who succeed in marriage” is that they adopt a posture of being excellence-driven but always grace-filled.They seek to be the best they can be while showing plenty of mercy and patience toward their spouse (and yes, to themselves) when either misses the mark. Here are some thoughts on some other character qualities important for success in marriage: A capacity for happiness. People who are incapable of happiness are going to be incapable of happiness in marriage. In marriage, those homely sayings about “the power of positive thinking” and “the behappy attitudes” are not so homely after all. People who smile and laugh and enjoy life are much more fun to live with. Mental health. Sanity contributes greatly to success in marriage! I refer to the mind, emotions, and spirit working right; freedom from addictive, compulsive, sadistic, or masochistic behaviors; a decent level of self-control; clarity and lucidity in thinking. Such a spouse is peaceable — they don’t need drama to keep life interesting. Their moods are generally steady. (Medicine may be necessary. Plenty of exercise. Whatever it takes.) Trustworthiness. Trust is essential to marriage. A successful married person
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is both worthy of trust and capable of offering trust.They speak the truth, keep their promises, pull their share of the load, and keep faith with their marital promises in ways large and small. Endurance and resilience. A lifetime marriage is a triathlon, not a sprint. Successful married persons are tough enough to hang in there through the times of suffering, disappointment, boredom, frustration, and unresolved conflict. This involves the capacity for hope, the ability to see what is not yet visible. Even if for a time they are crawling rather than walking, running, or jumping, these spouses keep putting one foot in front of the other. Humility. Those who succeed at marriage have no trouble acknowledging their imperfections, their constant need for growth, and the inevitability that they can and do mess up.They have the capacity to request forgiveness and to offer it. They don’t let pride stand in the way of resolving conflicts; they are able to be kind amidst frustrations. Godliness. Surely there are some unbelievers who succeed at marriage. But godliness — understood as a commitment to Christ, knowledge of Christian principles, and spiritual vitality—is a profoundly helpful resource to bring into the human drama that is marriage. Don’t approach the altar without it. n David P. Gushee is a distinguished university professor of Christian ethics at Mercer University in Atlanta, Ga., co-chair of the Biblical/Contextual Ethics Group of the American Academy of Religion, and president of Evangelicals for Human Rights. He is the author of 11 books, including Getting Marriage Right: Realistic Counsel for Saving and Strengthening Relationships (Baker Books, 2004).