Regis Walling
Abortion and Men A university psychology class was viewing a film showing prenatal development when suddenly a male student stood and rushed from the room. The professor found him crying in the corridor. “I didn’t know it was a baby!” he sobbed. “I would never have paid for it if I had known a baby was there!” The “it” he had paid for was an abortion. His tears made it apparent that he, like his aborted child, was a victim of a procedure done in a “reproductive clinic” months earlier. In Earth Father, Sky Father, Arthur and Libby Colman write, “Since therapeutic abortions are generally performed before the fetus...can be felt or seen, few people acknowledge the act as the death of child. Even fewer think abortion has any powerful meaning to the father... The effect of abortion on a prospective father is overlooked and even denied by professionals, both in the literature and in many counseling agencies.” Roe v. Wade stripped fathers of all parental rights during the first nine months of a baby’s life. Only at birth do the man’s full rights (and obligations) return. While some men are outraged at this, others enjoy the option of telling their pregnant partner, “That’s your problem.” Some men pressure the woman, threatening to break off the relationship if she doesn’t have an abortion. Many men are like the young man described above. Misinformed about what abortion really is, they acted in ways they thought were supportive and caring. They may have felt uneasy regarding abortion, but lacking accurate information they were not capable of actively opposing it and simply left the decision to the woman. Some of them had no serious qualms of conscience at the time of the abortion but became convicted later, perhaps while awaiting the birth of another child. The force of the impact will depend on many different circumstances. What role did the man play in the abortion? Did he oppose it totally or halfheartedly? Did he encourage it or run away from the situation? What type of relationship
M ay I Have a Word? did he have with the mother, and what happened afterwards? Did they break up or eventually marry? If they married, did they go on to have other children? A man must take steps toward healing if he is to be freed of unresolved guilt, shame, and anger. First, he must admit to himself that he needs healing—that, wittingly or unwittingly, through his own fault or not, he has been seriously wounded by the loss of his unborn child. Sleeplessness, nightmares, undefined sadness, and unexplained physical pain are symptoms of the inner wound. Often the healing begins with tears, which are the most appropriate response to death and loss and personal failure. If he tried vigorously to stop the abortion, one of his strongest feelings will be a sense of powerlessness because he was unable to protect his child from this violent death. On the other hand, if he is guilty of having encouraged, promoted, or forced the abortion to take place, his dominant feeling will be a profound sense of shame and guilt. Confronting shame can be a devastating experience, but it must be done. Self-loathing is not the answer. Forgiveness is possible. No matter how terrible our sin, our heavenly Father’s love is greater. The man who acknowledges his own sin can lift his eyes to Christ on the cross and know true forgiveness. Then the man will take full responsibility for his part in the abortion; he will be filled with gratitude for God’s mercy; and he will know that he is not the same as before. He has fathered a child and can never again be a non-father. He recognizes he has been changed by this experience. How he handles it will determine if the change is for the better or is harmful to him, but deal with it he must. If you have experienced an aborted child, here are some further practical suggestions: 1. Give your child a name and visualize the little one in God’s arms. Tell your child how much you love him/her now and how deeply you regret what happened. Ask and receive this child’s forgiving love.
2. Ask forgiveness from the child’s mother and forgive her for her part in the abortion. 3. Examine your own values and patterns of action. Thank God for revealing your true self—who you were, who you are now, and who, with his help, you can become. It’s important to share your process with a close friend or counselor. Many crisis pregnancy centers have counselors trained to help men. 4. Seek to improve your connection with God. Pray to know his will and for the grace to carry it out. 5. Become more actively involved in your community of faith. 6. Be willing to share your experience with others so they can avoid the same mistakes. Offer your healing testimony to other victims of abortion. 7. Try to rid your life not only of impatience but of all violence, remembering that healing and growth are a gradual process. Be gentle both with yourself and with others. 8. If necessary, rediscover how to smile. Serving others is a good way to start. Abortion has done its devastating work. We face an epidemic of victimized men and women. Thankfully forgiveness and healing are always available. King David, Zacchaeus, Paul, and Augustine are all men who discovered that what looks to us like a dead end can, with God, be a new beginning.
A retired educator and the author of When Pregnancy Is a Problem (Abbey Press, 1980), Regis Walling spent six years as a full-time organizer of crisis pregnancy centers in Michigan.
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