R on Sider Reflections on 50 Years of Marriage Our little cabin beside our favorite lake in northern Maine is a good place to reflect on 50 years of marriage. Arbutus often notes that, much of the time, I am in the fast lane and she is in the middle lane. But when we get to our beloved spot in Maine, where we listen to the loons calling as we fall sleep, we are together in the slow lane. With extra time for each other, our feelings of tenderness and love are more vivid and intense. Several times during this current two-week vacation, I have marveled at how much joy, security, contentment, and—yes—ecstasy two people in their early 70s, married 50 years ago, can give each other. Gratitude is my overwhelming response. That is not to pretend that all 50 years have been joy and ecstasy. We have quarreled, hurt, and betrayed each other and demanded unfair things of each other. There was a time (yes, a midlife crisis at about 40!) when my boiling anger was so frequent and furious that I doubt our marriage would have survived except for the wonderful gift of months of wise counseling from a Christian family therapist. We learned how to listen more deeply to each other, stretching ourselves to better understand each other’s feelings and viewpoints. Our counselor asked us to put on each other’s shoes (literally) as we prayed for each other (I only managed to wedge my toes into Arbutus’ small loafers). We learned how to make “I statements” rather than “you statements” (“I feel hurt when…” rather than “You hurt me when…”). We slowly came to accept that we could end disagreements, even on important issues, by saying, “It’s okay for us to disagree on this.” It took months of intensive marriage counseling and a couple more years of especially focused effort to work through our hardest time of struggle. But the result was a new plateau of less pain and more happiness. Of course we still continued to quarrel and get angry with each other. But those times became less frequent and less intense. Today, I
marvel at how seldom they reappear. What would I want to say to my children, grandchildren, friends, and others about these 50 years? Basically, that I am certain that the joy we have shared for five decades and the peace and delight we have had and continue to enjoy are far greater than if we had given up on our marriage—either through divorce or by staying together without working through our problems. Several things have been especially important in our experience. First, since before we first met, we have both been committed to Jesus Christ above all and determined to obey him. Divorce, therefore, was never an option. We have always (albeit imperfectly) communicated to each other our thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires. Over the decades we have learned how to do that better. Full transparency has been our goal. We have frequently asked for and granted forgiveness to each other. We have had a few close friends with whom we could talk about our struggles when we seemed unable to work through problems by ourselves. We both were committed through all the years to make our commitment to each other our highest commitment after Christ. Love involves passionate feeling, but it is also a decision. And through all of this flowed the mysterious divine grace of forgiveness and the Holy Spirit’s special strength when our own power seemed so feeble. The petite, vivacious Amish redhead I married 50 years ago on August 19 is today far more truly and deeply my sweetheart and best friend than she was on our wedding day. She has been God’s best gift to me after his Son. That two people can bring each other so much joy simply astounds me. I can only say thank you—again and again and again—to my Heavenly Father for the wonderful gift of this lovely woman in my life for 50 years.
"Love involves passionate feeling, but it is also a decision."
48 PRISM Magazine
Ron Sider is the founder and president of Evangelicals for Social Action, author of dozens of books, and professor of theology/holistic ministry/public policy at Palmer Seminary of Eastern University.