the insider
The rover’s return – but with limited opening hours
O
f the many great things I will take from my three-
harder than “sixteen hours a week, closed on Wednesdays and month sabbatical, alongside stellar ideas like ‘teat out Sundays!” to help out’ (special thanks to those who got in touch We, Nicola and I, have had to cut short our travels by a couple to offer seed funding), is the undeniable fact that all we of weeks and part of the reasoning for heading back to the land of SMEs, trading as Limited companies, were not merely ignored by reliable Wi-Fi and mobile signal early (it might sound a romantic this government throughout the pandemic. Rather, we were royally notion to live in an unconnected world but it gets very annoying, shat on from a great height from the lofty towers of parliament. very quickly) is because business is slowly returning and we might And before all those self-employed eyebrows are raised in my actually be seeing the green shoots of recovery. direction as you look to twitter on about how “we” pay minimal tax Fingers crossed, insh’allah. So, in preparation, we order a brand so only have ourselves to blame, (while you look out on the financenew Mercedes V-Class to keep up with the competition and, if I am Kevin Willis free vehicle you purchased with the grants that kept coming), honest, because I cannot shift the distinctive smell of camping from please remember that for the most part, it was businesses like these my current van despite now owning shares in Febreze. Foolishly I that you relied on to provide you with work, pre-Covid. Everyday problems had assumed delivery would be in or around September 1, for the Travelling through the school holiday month of August was hell. from the operator’s new plate launch, so was knocked off my seat when told “sometime Literally every pub, hotel, B&B, restaurant and even campsite pitch next year”. Apparently, I missed the news that the world had point of view... was booked solid, some through until Christmas! Initially I enjoyed stopped turning because of the poor Wi-fi connection in North West seeing ‘SORRY FULL’ and ‘NO VACANCY’ signs posted along the Wales. quaint High Streets I strolled along, as it signified an end to the depressive lockdowns And this is my point, during any travels we have attempted in previous years over as people looked to travel and give businesses the opportunity to earn money. the duration of our business, our SME, we were always interrupted by customers’ However, it soon became apparent that a lot of places were only full because enquiries, drivers’ problems or drunk Russians asking me to put in a call and get them they couldn’t be bothered to open six days a week. One pub I walked into couldn’t into Ministry of Sound at 2am. We field constant emails that “need an answer ASAP” accommodate me because they only catered four nights a week, in August! So what only for that person to then go missing for three days when we need a response from happens in November? So help me God, I will explode if I hear one more excuse of “a them. And now the knows-no-boundaries WhatsApp messages sound with impunity. lot of our staff have been pinged” and/or “due to a lack of staff” as being the reason So yes, I employ an accountant to mitigate my tax returns and I do take advantage for them limiting numbers and running a reduced menu. of lesser-rate dividend payments. But I do so within the law and transparent scrutiny Turn off the bloody app, as like most things this government has done during of our tax officials. So I get very frustrated when around 3 million of us have had to the pandemic, it is not fit for purpose. Oh, here’s another great idea I won’t need personally finance a Bounce-Back loan to survive, not to stay in business mind you, investment for, how about you appreciate your staff by paying them more than but survive, survive to pay mortgages, car payments and the like. minimum wage over a zero-hours contract, you greedy leeches? Why? Well I believe it is because we come under the all-encompassing banner of Hotel and bar owners get more TV airtime than those “comedians in a camper van” “entrepreneur” so will surely have the wherewithal to work it out somehow? I feel programmes, and are frequently popping up on low-news days crying on about how confident enough to speak for all those companies, just like ours, when saying we they had to ‘let go’ their workers, leaving the owners to bravely struggle through on definitely wouldn’t be closing early or taking days off at the height of the busy season furlough pay and quarterly handouts. and would never contemplate turning customers away with a ‘SORRY FULL’ notice. Yet they still do not comprehend why those same workers haven’t come crawling Pubs, I am reliably informed, laid off staff, took furlough wages and then grants of back begging for their anti-social hours job back. They have been closed for 18 months up to £55.000 during lockdowns, tax-free and not repayable. That is all we ask! and now want to work only part time? Can you imagine any chauffeur company not The car hire company LCH, known to many of you, has recently coupled up with grabbing every single booking available to them in an effort to right the sinking ship as that other well-known industry face Ethos Finance to launch a scheme that rents quickly as possible? Utter madness! vehicles to chauffeurs as a way for them to build back up enough of a credit score in Even those great cuckoos over at National Trust and English Heritage are guilty order for Ethos to get drivers back into vehicles they might have lost or surrendered of limiting their properties. Open at 10am (Garden only, Castle opens at 11am) then due to Covid. Brilliant guys, I love it. as soon as I’ve consumed a scone costing four quid they deploy an aged volunteer to Sam McCarthy at Tasker insurance who answered my call on a Bank Holiday follow me around reminding me that Lord and Lady InBred would like me to piss off in Monday waving away my apology with a “that’s what I am here for” attitude, thank half an hour for early closing as per their tenancy agreement. you. I must also applaud the ingenuity of Castle Point Council, Essex who have taken If any of us at SME Ltd owned a castle we wouldn’t let those eager punters leave! more business (in the way of registered drivers) from the blood sucking, incompetent Breakfast served from 7am, then archery, scones, cup of tea, dog kennels while TfL, who sit in their ivory tower congratulating each other for ‘clearing’ the polluted looking round the castle (another business idea of mine), creche, pub, camping in the streets of London of professional drivers, totally unaware that the same amount of grounds, cup of tea, half marathon in the grounds, jousting, cup of tea and a game of cars are coming into town but no longer funding the coffers of Mayor Khan. ‘groom the stool’ for the kids while dad gets the chance to grope a lowly maid in the These concerns are the perfect examples of the kind of attitude and forward scullery. Who says history can’t be fun? Lord and Lady Incestuous wouldn’t get back thinking needed to make a business successful. I am inspired and rejuvenated and, into their East wing apartment until late November. NO, I might not be able to get you or your clients into Ministry of Sound any more. But The British went from a nation of shopkeepers to rule over an Empire the sun I can however get you a table for lunch at a pub I know as long as it is Wednesday to refused to set upon. Despite the rumours, I wasn’t actually around then but I’m pretty Saturday, 1 to 3pm (last food orders 2.30) anytime in November. Now to discover how confident that we didn’t achieve any of this by working part time and shutting early tight the suit is on me… n Kevin Willis runs Chirton Grange, (though some of our methods were, at best, questionable). The Industrial Revolution contact@chirtongrange.co.uk was instigated from these small islands and the working week was a damn sight
AUGUST 2021
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