All’s fair in love, war, hotel contracts and soft towels

Like any of us, when working out of one of the many fantastic 5-star hotels in London, I look forward to availing myself of the bathroom facilities. Who wouldn’t? Glass screens on the urinals protect polished shoes, the softest of toilet tissue (though I hate disturbing those ones folded into a point) and, obviously, the neat little, fluffy white hand towels, which are very handy for cleaning car windscreens.

Visiting the toilet in these fine establishments is the only liberty I personally take with these grand premises and their uber-rich owners. But it appears the same courtesy is not afforded me from them. Heading toward one particular revolving door I pass morning greetings to the doorman, who I know well enough to call him by his first name.

Porcelain sanctuary

“G’morning Door, are you well?” We shake hands but when I try to proceed toward the porcelain sanctuary he stops me and asks: “How do you get your work, Kev?”This question has been put to me many times before, usually from other drivers, so I have a stock answer primed and ready to go when asked.

“Because I am bloody good at what I do!”. Now, I am not being big-headed here, though I do consider myself to be one of the best chauffeurs in the industry. This is purely a personal opinion and not one shared by this magazine who only placed me secnd, to a Green Tomato Cars driver, back at the 2014 QSi Awards. Still, my therapist said I mustn’t dwell on the past…

My answer is geared to convey a humorous response and, hopefully done with sufficient flippancy in

which to allow me to continue with my day as, basically, “I'm not telling you”.

Door Man (who sounds like the worst superhero in the Marvel series) persists when telling me that his hotel had contacted my client and offered a courtesy car for the duration of his stay. Except, Mr Man tells me, the client had turned them down.

The second-best driver

When I return from the loo, one load lightened and jacket full of window wipes, the doorman introduces me to Rachel from Guest Services. Now she wants to know who I am, where my work comes from and why their guest had stuck with me over their free ride. My answer remained pretty much the same. “I was the second best driver in London nine years ago, deal with it.”

The following week I am waiting at St Pancras Eurostar for a delayed train from Paris. The service is irritatingly late yet not as annoying as the muppet on the public-access piano next to me who is bashing out the same note for forty minutes straight (there really should be a minimum standard before being allowed to harass beleaguered passengers).

Anyway, I look along the line of drivers to spot that the same hotel has a driver waiting. I wonder? So I sidle up, ask the question and lo and behold he has only come to meet the same client. The driver is even called Kevin! Coincidence, or am I paranoid? What is going on? Hotels, it would seem, are now actively nicking our work!

How would they feel if I picked up from Heathrow and offered them to come and stay at my house for a couple of days? “Half the price and I've got SkyGo in all rooms.”

And look, hotels have always offered a car service but they at least used to partner with a chauffeur and/ or taxi firm to facilitate their work. Now, they have upped the ante by supplying their own car and employed drivers. Do they have an operator’s license?

Look, all is fair in love and war, and what I wouldn't give to be afforded the travel plans of the rich and famous who frequent these hotels, but this particular hotel is pursuing an aggressive tactic to freeze out people like me, like us.

Talking to Kevin (the imposter) at St Pancras he shrugged and said “she’ll still be charged, they add it to their bill, and hardly anyone checks”. It is a worrying trend as businesses try to recoup the lost revenue of the Covid years any way possible. There may come a time soon when none of us receive direct bookings, without a middle man either taking their cut or dictating our rate.

Shake the disruptors

I have very loyal clients but trends like these become the norm. It wasn’t that long ago I believed I would never lose a client to Uber. Yet passengers think nothing of hailing an Uber to meet the guide at Tower of London or drop them off at Wembley.

In the meantime I will continue to shake the disruptors to the point it is easier to buy me out than fight me. We do that by offering the service, being punctual and having a pile of mini towels to keep the car clean…

[Not wishing to spoil the flow of your story, but Chirton Grange did win Gold for Chauffeur Company, 1-10 cars, in 2015. So get over yourself!- Ed]