T E O V N O L S I E S U B A A GUIDE TO FORMING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Introduction
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Healthy Communication
Mutual Trust
Did You Know?
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Boundaries
Warning Signs
What To Do
What Can We Do?
EVERY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS BUILT ON:
Respect Trust Communication & Equality 1
Relationships that lack respect, trust, communication and equality, might be unhealthy, draining or even abusive. It is important to learn what it truly means to build a healthy relationship. This zine will walk you through the key concepts of healthy relationships, as well as what to look out for as signs of dating abuse. Sometimes as a teen, you might feel like dating violence wouldn’t happen to you, you’re alone in your experience and there’s no one to talk to, or that unhealthy behaviors are OK because your partner says they love and care about you. This zine is meant to debunk these myths, and to reassure you that you deserve healthy and caring relationships in every aspect of your life. If you think you might be in an unhealthy relationship, you can call our 24-hour hot-line and talk to one of our trained advocates about what you’re experiencing. Our advocates can help you find resources in your community that may be helpful, and create a plan for keeping you safe.
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There is a time for everything
Respect & attention
Appropriate times and places to speak your mind should be when you and your partner are calm and not distracted. Make an appropriate time for your partner to express themselves in the same way you are able to. Find an appropriate time to reschedule if you or your partner are busy.
Show your partner yo respect their thoughts and feelings by actively listening to what they have to say. Give them your full attention and try not to allow things to distract you. If you are not able to limit external distractions, work out a time when you can listen to each other effectively and respectfully.
Face-to-face conversations Try to avoid important conversations over the phone, through text, or online. Speaking face-to-face can help keep thoughts or reactions from being misinterpreted and eliminate distractions. If writing is more of your style try writing your thoughts on paper and giving them to your partner instead.
Be truthful It`s important to be honest with yourself and your partner to maintain a healthy relationship. Be open to admitting your mistakes and focus on making apologizes instead of excuses. Remember, a healthy partner will consider, appreciate and accept meaningful apologies. An unhealthy partner will only make excuses for their actions and demand an apology for yours. If it feels like the difference is too blurry it might be time to have a serious talk with your partner or seek support from a trusted adult.
Word choice Even though we mean well, sometimes our words come off harsh and not as intended. Try using words such as “I” and “we”, using words like “you” can sound as if you are attacking or blaming your partner which could result in them becoming defensive or feeling hurt. Words hurt, so be cautious how you use them.
Communicate your feelings If your partner does something that makes you feel hurt of angry it is important to communicate your feelings; however you don’t have to do it right away. Tray waiting 48-hours to take your mind off what happened. If it`s still bothering you by that point, say something. Your partner has no way of knowing what you’re thinking or feelings if you don’t share it with them. If you decide to forget about it or your partner apologizes onces you bring it up, let it go. Holding grudges or bringing it up in the future can be harmful and hurtful.
Resolve conflicts It`s OK to get angry in a relationship--it happens at some point, but don’t let it control your emotions. What`s more important is trying to resolve the conflict in a healthy and respectful way. This includes stepping away from the conversation and taking a deep breath. Reflect on your anger, figure out the real problem and think about how you can respectfully express your feelings. Talk to your partner when you`re ready. It`s OK to not always see eye-to-eye and disagree in a healthy relationship. However, it`s not OK for your partner to invalidate your feelings, tell you you’re overreacting when you’re upset or get angry at you for expressing your own anger.
Body language In order to feel safe with your partner, communicate with each other about how and when you like to be touched. This conversation needs to happen continuously because answers can be different depending on what mood you are in, as well as, many other factors. These conversations can be a little awkward at first, but communicating about what your wants and needs are is to make sure everyone is feeling safe and having fun.
Trust is at the foundation of every healthy relationship because it’s necessary for setting and respecting boundaries. Trusting someone means you’re confident that you can be physically and emotionally safe with them. Building trust happens gradually. It can be difficult to figure out the degree of trust in a new relationship. Building trust is a mutual commitment, and it is on both partners to help each other feel safe and secure. 5
Emotionally trustworthy
This includes actively listening to your partner, respecting their feelings, being sensitive to their problems and worries, and showing compassion and genuine care for one another.
Physically trustworthy
No matter what comes up you can trust that your partner won’t react in a way that harms you or threatens to harm your physical safety.
Building Trust
Building trust also includes being consistent, and following through on their words and feelings. Saying one thing and doing another makes it really difficult for mutual trust to develop. If someone (a partner, friend, family member, etc.) has broken your trust in the past, it’s understandable that you might have a difficult time opening up to another person or trusting a new partner. However, try to remind yourself that your new partner is not the one that broke your trust before, it can be unfair to treat them as so. If you feel like you need more time to heal since you trust was broken, it might not be the right time for you to be in a dating relationship.
statistics from: http://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/dating-violence-statistics/
ONE IN THREE ADOLESCENTS IN THE U.S. IS A VICTIM OF PHYSICAL, SEXUAL, EMOTIONAL OR VERBAL ABUSE FROM A DATING PARTNER.
TWO OUT OF THREE TEENS WHO WERE IN A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE ABUSE.
boundaries
Setting&Respecting
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Setting boundaries in relationships, especially your intimate relationships, is a very important part of building trust and respect. Whether it’s someone you’re casually hooking up with, or someone you’ve been dating for a while, having open conversations about what each of you are comfortable with is vital to a healthy relationship. This includes your worries, your physical limits, and what you are looking for in an emotional commitment. It is okay for your boundaries to change or develop at any time, and your partner should be open to talking whenever they do. It is important that you are able to be honest about what you are and are not comfortable with; if your partner makes you feel otherwise, then they are giving you the respect you deserve. Though sometimes we might think of boundaries as only physical, emotional and digital boundaries are just as important; this section will discuss all three.
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Setting digital boundaries is just as important as setting physical and emotional boundaries in today’s social media ran society. What are your rules for posting and interacting on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, and Snapchat? Do you post a relationship status? When is it okay to text me and how often? When figuring out a digital dating agreement, it’s also important to consider keeping passwords private. Even if you trust your partner, it might not be the best idea to share online or phone passwords. It is okay for you to keep certain things private, and it is not okay for your partner to keep track of who you talk to or what you post without your permission. Just like in-person boundaries, you should also talk about what you’re comfortable with sending via text message. Even if you trust you partner, it’s important to remember that once you press send on a photo or text, you lose control over who sees it. It’s not okay for someone to send you photos that you don’t say yes to, or for someone to get angry at you for not wanting to send them photos or sexts. It is never okay to share a photo or sext someone sends you in confidence with your friends. Remember, it is illegal to distribute nude photos or videos even if that person willingly sent them to you.
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Digital Boundaries
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Emotional boundaries are really important for maintaining a healthy and safe relationship that doesn’t exhaust or drain you. It is totally normal and okay for people to fall in love with each other at different paces. If your partner tells you they love you, you shouldn’t feel pressured to say it back if that is not how you feel. Instead, tell them how it makes you feel, and explain some of your goals for the relationship to them. I your partner really does love you, they will not be angry with you or make you feel guilty for being honest about your feelings. Caring about your partner means caring about their commitments, goals, and activities. Being in a new relationship can be super exciting, but it’s important that both of you take time for your own interests without feeling guilty for doing so. Similarly, both of you should feel free to hang out with your own friends, regardless of any gender. It is healthy to take time for yourself, to pend time you your family, and yo make sure you have time to stay on top of your school or work.
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Emotional Boundaries
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Setting physical boundaries about what types of intimacy you’re comfortable with is really important to making sure your relationship is safe and healthy. Remember that consent i an ongoing process, and should be an open, calm, and honest conversation between you and your partner. Your partner should be respectful, mindful, and excited about physical and sexual boundaries no matter what they are. Going at your own pace is important too; getting physical with your partner doesn’t have to happen all at once if that’s not what you’re ready for. It is always okay to say no whenever you start to feel uncomfortable. Consent is necessary whether it’s your first time hooking up or if you’ve been in a long-term relationship. Expecting sex is never okay; sex is not currency. A healthy partner will treat you well because they care about you, not because they want you to do something you’re not comfortable with.
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Physical Boundaries
if someone you know is experiencing abuse
WHAT TO DO 13
Listen Believe Validate Refer
Stop what you’re doing and show them you appreciate that they trust you with this information. Actively listen to what they have to share.
Believe them. Too often in our culture we are taught to question someone when they confide in us about abuse. It causes more trauma when someone we trust dismisses our experience.
Validate them by letting them know you are sorry this has happened. It is okay that they are feeling upset, hurt, or angry.
Refer them to a resource like the Survivor Advocacy Outreach Program. We have trained advocates available 24-hours a day, 7 days a week.
“Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. You have found the edge where their respect for you ends.� - Anonymous
One in Three adolescents in the United States is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner. *taken from loveisrespect.org
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? o d e w What can Parents
It can be difficult to have these conversations with your teen, but it is important to discuss: • Boundaries and consent • The dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships • How to think critically about the media they consume • How to communicate in a healthy way
Keep an eye out for warning signs. Never convey to your teen that what they are going through is “not that bad.” Make sure you listen with respect and make them feel as safe and comfortable as you can.
Educators
Interact from a trauma informed care perspective. One in four students have had some type of trauma in the last year and it is important to have an understanding of how that affects a student’s performance. • Attend trainings • View webinars • Read materials that discuss how to educate with trauma in mind • Keep and eye out for red flags, such as a drop in performance or combative behavior. Students dealing with trauma benefit greatly from compassion and empathy from trusted adults.
Friends
If someone you care about has experienced abuse, assault, or is in an unhealthy relationship, remember these four rules:
1. Listen
to this person by stopping any tasks you’re working on and show with body language that you appreciate that they have trusted you with this information.
2. Believe
them. We live in a culture that constantly blames or questions survivors, so make sure when someone trusts you with this information that you believe them.
3. Validate 4. Refer
their feelings by acknowledging how painful this must be. them to an organization that specializes in supporting survivors.
Visit SAOPSEOH.org for more information
SURVIVOR ADVOCACY OUTREACH PROGRAM Our mission is to create a safe community where victims and survivors of sexual assault, sexual abuse, stalking, and domestic/dating violence are thoroughly respected and sup-
ported. We work to engage the community through prevention, advocacy, and education. We strive to end interpersonal violence in all of its forms, and to provide and coordinate re-
sources that foster healing and promote empowerment for victims, survivors, and communities of Southeastern Ohio.
24 Hour Crisis Hotline: 888-597-7267 Office Phone Number: 740-591-4266
Address 77 East State Street Athens, OH 45701
Find Us Online www.saopseoh.org saopseoh@gmail.com Facebook: SAOPseoh Twitter: saopseoh
SAOP is funded by grants including the Rape Crisis Fund and Victims of Crime Act (VOCA) funding awarded by the Office of Victims of Crime, through the Ohio Attorney General’s Office. Victims of federal crime will be served through SAOP services.