Proscenium Journal Fall 2014

Proscenium Volume One º Fall 2014

It All Starts Here.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 1

TABLE OF CONTENTS Volume One º Fall 2014

The Plays

33 Black Coffee Green Tea Damon Chua A-Squared Theatre Workshop

See pg. 35

04 Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio

38 Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador See Pg. 7

62 Ski Lift Chris Holbrook Ethan David Kent

66 Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi

See pg. 53

prosceniumjournal.com Questions? Comments?

Contact us at info@prosceniumjournal.com Like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/prosceniumjournal Follow us on Twitter @ProsceniumPlays

Ryan Murphy 2 Proscenium Fall 2014

Dear Reader,

Proscenium

Welcome to our inaugural issue of Proscenium Journal, the first literary journal exclusively dedicated to publishing plays. In this issue, you will find five stunning, contemporary plays by a diverse set of voices representing some of the most exciting work in theatre today. These plays were hand-selected from over 200 submissions.

We were truly impressed by the number of exceptionally talented individuals who submitted to Proscenium.

The submissions we received struck us, moved us, and made us think. The five plays selected are timely, highly original, and are making an impact in the American theatre.

Now, a bit about Proscenium. After noticing no journals dedicated exclusively to publishing plays, we set out to change that. Proscenium sprang from an absence of publication opportunities outside of larger publication companies. Unlike those venues, Proscenium does not take royalty cuts from authors. Instead, it obtains onetime publication rights to the plays it prints, allowing the playwright to maintain complete ownership of his or her play.

Another thing we are proud of about Proscenium Journal is that the journal is completely free. As a nonprofit organization, we see ourselves as a service to the playwright and the reader, and feel as if the best way to share our playwrights’ works with the largest audience is to create a free, online platform like Proscenium.

Our goals for Proscenium are twofold: we aim to promote play readership and to promote playwrights. While plays are written with the intention of being performed, they can often be equally compelling to read. When you read a play, it is not filtered through the visions of the director, designers, and actors, and letting your imagination fill in those gaps can be extraordinary.

On the other hand, we also hope to serve the playwright. It is incredibly difficult for playwrights to have their works seen. Stage readings, festivals, and print publications can expose a play to an audience, but a comparatively small one in the context of our technology age. We at Proscenium hope to bring playwriting into the modern age, facilitating a conversation between readers, playwrights, and producers.

We hope that our first issue is more than just a beginning for our journal. We hope that it is the start of new play productions, new connections between writers and producers, and a new genre for readers to enjoy.

That’s why we chose the motto, “It all starts here,” for our journal.

We would like to thank you, the reader, for your support of Proscenium Journal! We hope you enjoy the plays!

Sincerely, Steven Rathje Founder and Co-Editor-in-Chief Proscenium Journal William Rathje Founder and Co-Editor-in-Chief Proscenium Journal Fall 2014 Proscenium 3

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio

Looking for the Pony A conversation with the playwright

Andrea Lepcio, photo by Joey Stocks.

About the Playwright Andrea Lepcio is best known for Looking for the Pony, finalist for the Dramatists Guild Hull-Warriner Award and for the NEA Outstanding New American Play Award. It was presented in a “Rolling World Premiere” Off-Broadway at Vital Theatre Company in New York and Synchronicity Performance Group in Atlanta and had several subsequent productions. Plays and musicals under development include World Avoided, Strait of Gibraltar, Central Avenue Breakdown, Room 16 and Lf&Tms. Andrea is the Dramatists Guild Fellows Program Director. M.F.A. Dramatic Writing, Carnegie Mellon University. B.A. Human Ecology, College of the Atlantic. Andrea lives in Harlem, New York and Seal Cove, Maine.

night about six months after my sister died. It is a true story and suddenly I felt moved to try to capture the extraordinary experience that was cancer. I wrote a 20-minute play that went on to be done by several festivals and got published.

The second director and cast asked me to write a full length version. I said “She’s dead, what do you want from me.” But with their encouragement, I went back to writing. The core of this supportive group was Michelle Hurd, Adrienne Hurd (yes, sisters) and Barbara Gulan. I wrote and tossed out pages. We would get together to hear it. I was resisting much of what the play wanted to be. Finally, my mentor, who is Big Writer in the play, said why don’t you tell the story chronologically. I sat down and it started to feel right -- hard and painful -- but right. Different notions of the play caused the original group to disperse and I found new colleagues as I moved toward production. That was also sad, but sometimes that can happen as a work finds its life.

What do you want the audience to come away with?

I love sharing my sister with audiences. So first that they have to joy of coming to know this wonderful person. I want them, of course, to have a catharsis, but it is very important to me that they are released by the end of the play.

J. Smith Cameron who originated the role of Oisie really helped me with this. It was her idea to bring their familiar mantra in as the closing line of the play. I always loved how she delivered that line because I think she gave audiences what they needed. Release from the pain back to the fullness of life which is, of course, what had to happen for Oisie to be able to go on. And for me.

What was the most challenging part of What was your inspiration for this play? writing this play?

I woke up writing the play in the middle of the That I was writing me. I wanted to write my sis4 Proscenium Fall 2014

ter. I was less interested in writing me. I found my story much less compelling. I had to dig in to allow myself to write the fullness of our relationship. She was helping me give birth to my new life as she was fighting for her own life.

What playwrights have inspired you?

So many, truly. I had the great joy of studying with Irene Fornes, Tina Howe and Milan Stitt (Big Writer). Beckett is a beacon. Williams is an invitation. Current writers I go to school on include Lisa Kron, Janine Nabers, Kimber Lee, Will Eno, and more. I think we are in a very rich time for playwriting.

Why did you start writing plays?

I wanted to be an actor when I was little, but got derailed by conservative parents. When I came back to acting as an adult, I got involved with a new theater that became the Mint Theater. At the time, they were offering classes and one was playwriting. I took it…for fun. It was like meeting myself. It had never previously occurred to me to be a writer, but that class was life changing. Does that answer the question?

Suddenly I had stories I wanted to tell and I fell in love, specifically, with dialogue as a way to tell stories. I got teased a lot as a kid for talking too much, and I guess it is true that I love what people say and that we say things to get what we want, to figure life out, to make connections. I also feel once I discovered writing, I found it to be a great way to think about the world. It allows me to ask questions and ponder all the things about life that I don’t understand.

So much! It is a way to reach for….truth.

What projects are you working on now?

I am kind of insane. I write multiple projects at once. The lead project of the moment is a climate change play specifically about the ozone agreement (Montreal Protocol) and the contrast between the success of that agreement and the

failure to date of the climate agreement (Kyoto Protocol). It is a big fat research dependent play about extraordinary people doing the good work. I’ve got a new rock musical with Ariel Aparicio called Lf&Tms. And I’ll be doing a workshop this fall with a dance theater piece Me You Us Them with director Jo Cattell.

What kind of theatre excites you?

I like theater that is intimate with the audience (as opposed to distancing). I like wild and theatrical. I like to see things I’ve never seen before.

I have to have diverse casts. All white theater bores me.

What advice do you have for playwrights starting out?

Write every day. Tina Howe told me to do that about 15 years ago. She said that way I can write poorly for… And she paused. I thought she would say a day or at most a week. She said for four months. That struck fear in my heart.

She said, I can write poorly for four months because I know I’m going to write every day and eventually I will start writing better again. I’ve written every day ever since.

Looking for the Pony is copyright © 2014 by Andrea Lepcio.

All inquiries regarding rights shall be sent to info@prosceniumjournal.com and shall be forwarded to the playwright or their agent. Performances of Looking for the Pony are subject to royalty, and are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries covered by the International Copyright Union. All rights, including professional and amateur productions, staged readings, television, motion picture, radio, translations, photocoiesies, and all other reproductions of this play are strictly reserved.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 5

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio

Looking for the Pony by Andrea Lepcio

Copyright 2014 by Andrea Lepcio

Cast of Characters

OISIE: A woman LAUREN: Her sister WOMAN: Technician, Secretary, Gynecologist, Weepy Assistant, Media, Radiologist, Rabid Parent, Insurance Rep, Acquaintance, Wig Maker, Announcer, Brenda, Dr. KillCure, Tara, Head Nurse, Breeder, Broker, Publisher, Passenger MAN: Technician, Media, Principal, Dr. Diet Coke, Rabid Parent, Surgeon, Wig Maker, Big Writer, Lawyer, Saul, Darryl, Dr. Wrote A Book, Flight Attendant, Nurse, Costco Worker, Geeky Reference Guy, Rabbi

Present.

Time Setting

The places cancer takes us.

Note

Oisie and Lauren are really step-sisters. As it says in the script, they look alike, but that is more of a feeling or vibe than any necessary physical similarity.

The medical procedures are explained in stage directions for information only. In the playing, actions can suggest what is happening. Realistic detail is not needed and likely distracts.

Oisie accumulates paper pads, loose leaf, journals, index cards, file folders as time goes on. As she takes notes, makes lists, writes, struggles to write, organizes she will drop sheets or discard crumbled balls that will accumulate on the floor or the edge of the playing space. An additional option is to have Man or Woman add to the pile of paper at the Year Two and Year Three moments.

Looking for the Pony was developed and originally produced for the stage by Vital Theatre Company in New York City in a rolling world premiere with Synchronicity Group in Atlanta, Georgia. It has received an additional three domestic and one international productions.

6 Proscenium Fall 2014

-----------------------------WITH AUDIENCE OISIE: (To Audience) There once were two children who could see the bright side of any situation. One day, they are put in a room filled with manure. Hours later they are discovered laughing, scooping up the manure, digging underneath. “What on earth are you doing,” the children are asked. With beaming smiles they answer, “All this poop, there has to be a pony in here somewhere.”

--------------------------TOGETHER OISIE drops a crumbled piece of paper.

LAUREN: (To Oisie in the moment) This morning OISIE: (To Audience) My sister.

LAUREN: I woke up with my hand on my, OISIE: Right breast, LAUREN: Last night I showered, clean, thorough.

OISIE: No way she couldn't have felt it.

LAUREN: But I didn't.

OISIE: And now, she does.

Together, experiencing the discovery.

LAUREN: It's a lump. A large lump.

OISIE: (To LAUREN) Aren't they supposed to be small and stony?

LAUREN: This is huge.

OISIE: Maybe that's good?

-------------------------EXAMINATION ROOM MAN - TECHNICIAN: A mammogram, WOMAN - TECHNICIAN: Had been taken, MAN - TECHNICIAN: Six months ago.

WOMAN - TECHNICIAN: Said mammogram, MAN - TECHNICIAN: Was reviewed.

WOMAN - TECHNICIAN: Showed nothing.

MAN - TECHNICIAN: New one taken.

Machine whirs.

WOMAN - TECHNICIAN: We'll just place your breast on the plate and press down.

OISIE: Smooooshsmash!

LAUREN: I'm okay.

-------------------------AT HOME WAITING FOR THE RESULTS WOMAN - SECRETARY: (Calling) Phone call.

LAUREN: Glorious!

OISIE: Thrilling!

LAUREN: They say it's nothing!

OISIE: (To Audience) Unbelievable relief.

--------------------------

From Left, Deirdre O’Connell and J. Smith-Cameron in Looking for the Pony at the Vital Theatre Company; photo by Ethan David Kent TOGETHER LAUREN: Brownie?

OISIE: Those look amazing.

LAUREN: Eli made them.

OISIE: With those little hands?

LAUREN: That's the latest. Baking.

OISIE dives in. LAUREN nibbles.

OISIE: Thank god you're okay.

LAUREN: I'm okay.

OISIE: This is the best brownie I ever ate.

LAUREN: Oisie?

OISIE: Lauren?

LAUREN: Grad school? What's going on? Are you going to accept?

OISIE: No. It's. I'm. Reeling from the invitation.

LAUREN: Tell me.

OISIE: The Big Writer I'm taking that workshop with to... try to see if I can try to be a writer. Saturday before you called, he starts talking about this grad program he's taking over, how he's picking a new class, how he likes older students.

LAUREN: He invited you because you're old?

OISIE: ...er. Yea, but he must, I think, he must also like my writing.

LAUREN: Ya think?

OISIE: He said in two years he can teach me what it would take me ten to learn on my own. I've wasted so much time.

LAUREN: What's it going to take? Can you work at all?

OISIE: Consulting. I think so. The program is pretty intense. He offered a scholarship.

LAUREN: Oisie!

OISIE: Only half...but.

LAUREN: But nothing. I know you can make this happen.

OISIE: Laur.

LAUREN: Ois. OISIE: If only I'd gone in my twenties.

LAUREN: Abandon all hope for a better past.

OISIE: Laurenism.

LAUREN: Oisification.

OISIE: You're established, you're happy, you never lost your way.

LAUREN: You've had a brilliant career at the bank.

OISIE: That I never meant to have.

LAUREN: O. OISIE: L. LAUREN: When you signed up for the Big Writer's workshop, I went and dug this out.

LAUREN pulls out an old literary magazine.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 7

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio OISIE: You kept my high school literary magazine?

LAUREN: You've been miserable. I couldn't stand it.

But the workshop and now grad school.

OISIE: Why did you keep it?

LAUREN: This is what you wanted. If you still do...

OISIE: Can it be? Do you think?

LAUREN: Anything is doable.

OISIE: Laurenography 101.

LAUREN: Doesn't make it not so. Fourteen Forty.

Ready, Set, Go! --------------------------AT HOME WOMAN - Gynecologist: (Calling) Phone call.

OISIE: (To Audience) Short.

LAUREN: Terrifying.

WOMAN - GYNECOLOGIST: There's been a mistake.

MAN - TECHNICIAN: We read the old film.

WOMAN - GYNECOLOGIST: Come in right away.

-------------------------FAST CAR RIDE Vrooommmm....

OISIE: (To Audience) Her gynecologist comes in.

LAUREN: We sit.

OISIE: (To Audience) She says, WOMAN - GYNECOLOGIST: It's cancer.

(Beat. Saying what LAUREN and OISIE hear) Here's the name of a doctor. Immediately you are beyond what this office can do. This is the name of the first doctor, you need a surgeon, and then an oncologist, or an oncologist, and then a surgeon. There needs to be a surgeon, but there will be an oncologist, and a surgeon, both, and a radiologist, although from the way the tissue looks on film: there is no doubt you have cancer.

OISIE: Six months ago there was nothing. I read the words that said come back next year, monthly self-exams. Six months ago, you had nothing.

LAUREN: And now I do.

--------------------------WITH AUDIENCE OISIE: (To Audience) They called her my second mother when we were kids. Now...she's telling her husband.

They're telling their sons. Eleven and four. Our beloved nephews. (Explaining “Our”) Me and my partner. Female. We live Back East. They live out West. We come together all of us all of the time. Vacations--------------------------LAUREN INTERRUPTS LAUREN: I want to keep life as normal as possible for them.

OISIE: The boys.

8 Proscenium Fall 2014

LAUREN: Joe too.

OISIE: Don't you think he'll want toLAUREN: I'm asking you. He... You don't have a normal.

So it's you and me.

OISIE: You and me.

LAUREN: That's what I want.

OISIE: Fourteen Forty. Ready, Set, Go. LAUREN nods and goes to make dinner.

--------------------------WITH AUDIENCE OISIE: (To Audience) Remember my first words? There once were two children.

LAUREN: Dinner!

OISIE: This isn't the story of a wife and her husband. Or a mother and her sons. This is the story of two sisters... who can see the bright side of any situation.

--------------------------AT HOME OISIE has the list.

OISIE: (To Audience) We call for an appointment.

WOMAN - Secretary: The doctor can see you at 4:45 p.m. on April 5th.

OISIE: That's three weeks from now!

LAUREN: Isn't there anything sooner?

WOMAN - Secretary: No. OISIE: Call the next guy.

WOMAN - Secretary: All booked up.

OISIE: There's one more name on the list.

WOMAN - Secretary: The doctor is not seeing new patients at this time.

LAUREN: Cancer, apparently, my cancer, is no one else's emergency.

OISIE: This doctor wrote a book, that one treated a celebrity. All busy.

LAUREN: I need this taken off.

OISIE crumbles list.

OISIE: No wait. Rona!

LAUREN: I have her number.

OISIE: (To Audience) A distant cousin, thank God, is married to an oncologist, thank God, lives close by, thank God, gets us in.

LAUREN: Thank God. -------------------------AT HOME OISIE: (To Audience) We buy books. Spend hours on the floor of the breast health section of Barnes & Noble.

LAUREN: (To OISIE) People stopped by the house, with more books and lots of pink ribbons.

OISIE: (To Audience) By the end of the first day, we

possess five copies of Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book.

LAUREN: Let's read them all.

OISIE: (To Audience) Sprawled on her bed.

(To LAUREN) See this is the thing I don't get, this book says - look at the picture - it takes yeeaars to grow a tumor of the smallest size. Yeeaars like eight to ten before you can even feel it with your fingers. How did yours happen so fast?

WOMAN AND MAN - DOCTORS: We don't know.

-------------------------LAUREN'S OFFICE OISIE: (To Audience) The next day. We go to Lauren's office.

WEEPY ASSISTANT is on the phone in the middle of a brain fizz.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: As soon as she gets here. Lauren can explain. Lauren knows everything.

MAN - SAUL: (Eighty-two) Then what good are you.

LAUREN: (To WEEPY ASSISTANT) Who is it?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Saul.

MAN - SAUL: For crying out loud.

LAUREN: Give me the phone.

OISIE: (To Audience) Lauren is a licensed psychiatric social worker. She's worked in hospitals, been a therapist LAUREN: Saul.

MAN - SAUL: What's this about my check book?

OISIE: (To Audience) Now she has a business taking care of people who can't take care of themselves because they're old or disabled.

LAUREN: I have your checkbook.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Hey, Eloisa.

OISIE: What's wrong?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Saul. He's eighty-two.

Fixed income. And his daughter-in-law completely emptied out his savings account.

OISIE: No way.

LAUREN: I'm handling all your banking now.

MAN - SAUL: You going to rip me off too?

LAUREN: No, Saul, I'm going to take care of you.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: (To LAUREN) That's what I told him.

LAUREN: (To WEEPY ASSISTANT) Do you have my calendar?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: No. I left it right where you like it.

LAUREN: (To OISIE) Any appointments yet for Monday?

OISIE: Not yet.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: (The calendar) Wait!

No! I do, I have it.

LAUREN: Saul. I'm going to come see you on Monday.

MAN - SAUL: Not until then?

LAUREN: I have a few things I need to take care of this week.

MAN - SAUL: I'm not getting any younger.

LAUREN: I know, Saul, me neither.

MAN - SAUL: I ran a marathon, you know.

LAUREN: You can tell me all about it when I see you.

MAN - SAUL: I could do it again.

LAUREN: I'm sure you could.

MAN - SAUL: I'm just not in the mood.

LAUREN: Alright, Saul.

MAN - SAUL: (Struggling to hang up) This phone...

LAUREN: (Listening) ...Bye...

MAN - SAUL: (Still struggling with phone) Is this the right button? How do I...Oh, for pete's sake.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Oh, look at me. I need to fix my face.

WEEPY ASSISTANT dashes to ladies room.

OISIE: How can you rely on her if she's always weeping?

LAUREN: She's quite good with numbers.

OISIE: I would never have the patience.

LAUREN: I need to get Saul more income. Are interest rates going up?

OISIE: The Fed's watching core inflation. The dollar weakening. The yield curve could steepen in response... if it doesn't invert.

LAUREN: So interest rates are???

OISIE: Yes. Maybe. I'll let you know Friday.

WEEPY ASSISTANT returns.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: If only Saul'd come to you sooner, none of this would've happened.

OISIE: How'd the daughter-in-law even get to him?

LAUREN: He was lonely.

OISIE: Ya, but his savings?

LAUREN: People do what they LAUREN: Want to do.

OISIE: Want to do.

OISIE: (cont'd) Lauren-phorism.

LAUREN: (To Weepy Assistant) I'll let you know what doctors' appointments I have.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: (Burst of tears)Okay.

LAUREN: I'm not dying.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I know.

LAUREN: (To OISIE) Let's go.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: What're they going to do to you?

LAUREN: Diagnose.

Fall 2014 Proscenium  9

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio -------------------------WAITING ROOM Soothing Muzak.

OISIE: (To Audience) A video welcomes us to the waiting room.

WOMAN - MEDIA: Welcome.

MAN - MEDIA: To the Waiting Room.

OISIE: (To Audience) Where we wait.

OISIE grabs all available brochures. Sifts through her notes.

WOMAN - MEDIA: The National Breast Cancer Coalition LAUREN: What's happening with grad school?

MAN - MEDIA: The Susan G. Komen Foundation.

OISIE: (Re: Susan Komen) Her sister started that.

LAUREN: Grad school?

OISIE: I'm not going.

LAUREN: Yes, you are.

OISIE: Not now.

LAUREN: You were invited. You can't snub the Big Writer.

OISIE: He'll understand.

LAUREN: Why do you assume that?

MAN - MEDIA: S.H.A.R.E. OISIE: (That organization) They're on my list to call.

LAUREN: Oisie.

OISIE: You said you want to keep everything normal.

LAUREN: You said you wanted to write.

OISIE: I want to be here. You and me.

LAUREN: You are. You will be. Until you have to go.

OISIE: It's my decision if I want to stay.

LAUREN: I'll change the locks.

OISIE: You don't lock the door.

LAUREN: I'm not letting you turn my cancer into your latest excuse.

Beat.

LAUREN: (cont'd) I've watched you. I've listened.

You've walked away before.

OISIE: Daddy.

LAUREN: Yeah, well, he's dead. When are you going to start living the life you want?

OISIE: If only I'd gone LAUREN: (cont’d) If only I’d in my twenties. encouraged you in your twent- ies.

OISIE: It's not. Your fault.

LAUREN: Abandon all hopeOISIE: L. LAUREN: O. WOMAN - MEDIA: REMEMBER. MAN - MEDIA: Early detection is the best prevention.

10 Proscenium Fall 2014

OISIE and LAUREN take that in.

OISIE: You found it early.

LAUREN: Does that mean...I can still prevent it?

TECHNICIAN approaches.

MAN - TECHNICIAN: Lauren?

LAUREN: Can my sister come in with me?

MAN - TECHNICIAN: Oh, you look so much alike.

LAUREN and OISIE share secret smiles.

--------------------------EXAMINATION ROOM RADIOLOGIST AND TECHNICIAN are all over LAUREN poking, prodding. Machines whir.

WOMAN - RADIOLOGIST: Fine needle aspiration comes first.

Ultrasound illuminates the tumor on a monitor. The doctor injects a large needle into her breast to pull out cells.

MAN - TECHNICIAN: Comfortable?

LAUREN: I'm okay.

WOMAN - RADIOLOGIST: Full body x-rays next.

Technician puts LAUREN in multiple positions to view all body parts.

MAN - TECHNICIAN: Bone scans.

Different machine, more positions, whir.

WOMAN - RADIOLOGIST: Magnetic resonance imaging.

Tight circular tube. She must be perfectly still.

LAUREN: I'm okay.

OISIE: Just make sure there isn't any more cancer.

The doctors are looking for tumors. There is no method to detect microscopic cells.

WOMAN - RADIOLOGIST: We can only see.

MAN - TECHNICIAN: What we can see.

-------------------------WAITING ROOM OISIE: (To Audience) We wait for the radiologist to read the film.

LAUREN: It's taking too long. She sees something.

OISIE: Something else?

RADIOLOGIST approaches.

WOMAN - RADIOLOGIST: T-10.

OISIE: What's that?

WOMAN - RADIOLOGIST: Tenth Thoracic.

LAUREN: Back.

WOMAN - RADIOLOGIST: There's a spot.

OISIE: A spot? What kind of spot? What are we going to do about the spot?

-------------------------IN THE CAR LAUREN: (On her cell phone) We're having a party.

OISIE: (To Audience) Her youngest is turning five.

LAUREN: In the afternoon. How's one to four? ...Perfect.

(Hanging up, telling OISIE) Paint-it-yourself can do it.

OISIE: Our favorite! What's next?

LAUREN: Pizza.

OISIE: That's easy.

LAUREN: Kosher pizza - his Hebrew school class.

OISIE: Where are we supposed to find kosher...? You have cancer!

LAUREN: I already found it.

(On the phone) Twenty kids give or take...That's great.

OISIE: (To Audience) We celebrate the boy.

--------------------------AT ONCOLOGIST MAN - DR. DIET COKE: Results in.

OISIE: (To Audience) Oncologist. Funny man.

LAUREN: We're grateful you can see us.

OISIE: (To Audience) Spills diet coke all over his desk.

Explains MAN - DR. DIET COKE: This is why I'm not a surgeon.

OISIE: (To Audience) Rescues her pathology report.

Dabs at the coke. Starts to talk.

MAN - DR. DIET COKE: Surgery first, twelve weeks of chemotherapy, followed by a likely course of additional chemotherapy if more than four nodes are positive, Herceptin if estrogen receptive, there are always new drugs to try, followed by radiation.

OISIE: (To Audience) First you hear cancer and it is scary then you read the books, optimist that you are, and you think, maybe it's not so bad after all, and then doctors start to talk.

MAN - DR. DIET COKE: It's bad.

OISIE: (To Audience) Unspeakably bad.

-------------------------IN THE CAR Time.

LAUREN: I'm not done.

OISIE: You're not. You're not done.

LAUREN: I don't want to do this to you.

OISIE: I'm okay.

Time.

LAUREN: Let's stop by Costco.

OISIE: What for?

LAUREN: Groceries.

OISIE: Now? LAUREN: I need to get food in the house before everything starts.

OISIE: I'll do the shopping. I'll take care of everything.

You don't have toLAUREN: I want to.

-------------------------SHOPPING OISIE: (To Audience) Costco has very large carts. We fill two. To the brim.

COSTCO WORKER offers them samples.

MAN - COSTCO: Tofu Bleu Cheese?

They LOVE samples. LAUREN nibbles on one. OISIE takes three. They move on.

LAUREN: Grab a ketchup.

OISIE: (To Audience)A ketchup is actually two thirty-two ounce glass bottles linked by a plastic thing disguised as a handle but is really a trick. When I lift one of the bottlesGlass shatters.

LAUREN: Leave it.

OISIE: (To Audience) Ketchup glass everywhere. I grab another with all hands.

--------------------------AT HOME LAUREN: (Shouting up to unseen sons) We're home.

OISIE: (To Audience) Lug in the bags, unload.

LAUREN: I have your uniform ready...

OISIE: (To Audience) Little League. She's the team mother.

LAUREN: The game's in twenty minutes. Dad's meeting us there.

OISIE: (To Audience) I grab the ketchup.

LAUREN: You're going to make the same mistakeGlass shatters.

OISIE: (To Audience) Ketchup glass all over the dining room floor.

LAUREN: It's okay.

OISIE: Everything is far from okay.

LAUREN: I'll be in the car.

--------------------------LITTLE LEAGUE OISIE: (To Audience) We go to Little League.

MAN - RABID PARENT: There she is.

WOMAN - RABID MAN - RABID PARENT: PARENT: Can we schedule Been drilling Joey every a trip to the batting cages? day after work. Can you Billy's seeing the ball talk to the coach? Never better,but his timing's still going to make high off with these teams we've ball if he spends all of got coming up.

Little League in right LAUREN: This is my sisterWOMAN - RABID PARENT: You look so much alike.

Fall 2014 Proscenium  11

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio

From Left: Deirdre O’Connell and J. Smith-Cameron in Looking for the Pony at the Vital Theatre Company, photo courtesy of Sun Productions Inc. LAUREN and OISIE share secret smile.

WOMAN - RABID PARENT: (cont’d) The batting cages.

Can we schedule a trip? These teams we have coming up...

MAN - RABID PARENT: About right field. Been drilling Joey. Can you talk to the coach? High School Ball.

LAUREN leaves OISIE to attend to PARENTS. --------------------------WITH AUDIENCE OISIE: (To Audience) See the thing is...we weren't always sisters. Lauren and I met when my Mom divorced my father and moved me and my real sister across the court from where Lauren lived with her Dad and her real sister. Her Dad had already divorced her Mom and gotten custody which was unusual for a man in the 60s.

--------------------------OISIE'S MEMORY OISIE is five and Lauren is ten.

LAUREN: Hi. OISIE: I'm five. I graduated kindergarten. I'll be a first grader next. My school's made of white bricks.

LAUREN: I go to the same school, you.

12 Proscenium Fall 2014

OISIE: What grade?

LAUREN: Fifth.

OISIE: You must be old.

LAUREN: I'm ten.

OISIE: I don't know my left from my right.

LAUREN: Want me to show you?

OISIE: I've been shown it doesn't stick.

LAUREN: I'll show you a way to make it stick.

OISIE: Really?

LAUREN: Come here. Turn around. Put out both arms.

Straight ahead.

OISIE puts her arms out.

LAUREN: (cont’d) Now look at this arm.

OISIE: This one.

LAUREN: Yes, this one. You see your pointer and your thumb. Stick them out.

OISIE: Like this?

LAUREN: See how they make a letter.

OISIE: I know my alphabet.

LAUREN: What letter do you see?

OISIE: L. LAUREN: L for...

OISIE: Llllll.

LAUREN: Lllleft.

OISIE: L for left. But this hand has an L too.

LAUREN: But your left hand has an L the right way.

OISIE: This is my left.

LAUREN: That's your left.

OISIE: Left. Left. Left. My left.

OISIE grabs LAUREN like a life-line.

-------------------------LAUREN'S OFFICE WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Wait, so you each have a real sister. I met Lauren's.

OISIE: We're all sisters.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: So, you and Lauren are like half?

OISIE: No, step.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Like no same parents?

OISIE: Her Daddy raised me. Raised all of us.

LAUREN: (On phone) Phone call.

MAN - PRINCIPAL: Beach Elementary. Your children are our students.

LAUREN: (On Phone) Ed, I wonder if I could come in to see you. It's about teachers for my youngest. There are special circumstances just for the next few months.

MAN - PRINCIPAL: Now our normal policyLAUREN: I am really looking forward to being back at Beach. I'd like to volunteer in art class again.

OISIE: With what time?

LAUREN waves her off.

LAUREN: I'll see you then.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: But you don't say step?

LAUREN: Too Cinderella.

OISIE: It was a little Cinderella.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Like how?

LAUREN: Phone call.

MAN - PRINCIPAL: Beach Middle School. Your teen is our student.

LAUREN: John, I wonder if I could come in to see you.

OISIE: We weren't allowed to cry.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: No crying?

OISIE: Not unless we were sick or hurt.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Lauren never cries.

LAUREN: Enough with history. (to WEEPY ASSISTANT) I need you to finish invoicing. (to OISIE) I need you to get yourself something to eat.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Still, everyone always just totally knows you're Lauren's sister.

--------------------------

OISIE'S MEMORY OISIE at 6 runs away fighting back tears. Lauren at 11 follows and waits.

OISIE: I like it here. I like living with you.

LAUREN: I like living with you too.

OISIE: What if I can't stop crying?

LAUREN: You have to breathe. If you don't, you'll choke.

OISIE: How come Daddy says no crying?

LAUREN: He's the Grown. That's his rule.

OISIE: But why? Cause it's quieter?

LAUREN: Sure.

OISIE: But then why does he yell, why does Mommy slam the door? That's not quiet.

LAUREN: They are the Growns. We have to hush.

OISIE: Mommy says my real father only pays $80 a month child support and everything else I have is from the generosity of Daddy's heart.

LAUREN: Don't worry about that.

OISIE: Does your Mom pay child support?

LAUREN: She gives me headbands.

OISIE: So everything you have is from the generosity of Daddy's heart too.

LAUREN: Yup. OISIE: Maybe if I follow the rules Daddy will have a generous heart and the Growns will be quiet too.

LAUREN: Maybe. I don't know.

OISIE: I can try.

LAUREN: Okay.

OISIE: I can try hard.

LAUREN: I can try too.

OISIE: And then we can stay together.

--------------------------AT HOME MAN - SURGEON: Surgery has been scheduled.

WOMAN - Insurance REP: Phone call.

LAUREN: (To OISIE) Insurance says I have to wait.

OISIE: For what?

WOMAN - INSURANCE REP: (On phone) According to your policy, a mastectomy is considered elective surgery. For elective surgery, you have to wait ten days.

LAUREN: (To Insurance) Would you elect to have your boob cut off?

OISIE: Let me talk to them.

WOMAN - INSURANCE REP: According to your policyOISIE: My sister is scheduled for surgery ThursdayWOMAN - Insurance REP: If you'd let me finishFall 2014 Proscenium  13

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio LAUREN: (Meaning the cancer) Get this off.

WOMAN - INSURANCE REP: According to her policyOISIE: There is a malignant tumor in her breast five centimeters -that's two inches. There already is a spot on T-10 and who the hell knows where else. Every minute you wait more cells sluff off and migrate to who knows where inside her body. Breast cancer goes to bone, liver, lungs. Save my sister not your money, do not kill her with your rules and regulations, save her life.

WOMAN - INSURANCE REP: We require a letter explaining why this is an emergency.

OISIE: The surgeon is writing faxing you right now she is having surgery on Thursday approve it Thursday approve it Thursday approve it.

-------------------------SURGERY OISIE: (To Audience) Thursday. They wheel her away.

The surgeon removes the tumor, her right breast, and twelve lymph nodes.

MAN - SURGEON: I got it all.

OISIE: Excuse me?

MAN - SURGEON: Clean margins. I got it all.

OISIE: (To Audience) Okay, so why is the oncologist scaring us with chemo and radiation if the big bad surgeon cured her?

--------------------------POST OP LAUREN: (Interrupting) Oisie, get this. The surgeon came to check on me. He walks in, I notice, kind of sidewise with his hand held up covering his face.

MAN - SURGEON: Sorry, I had dental surgery and I look a little funny.

LAUREN: That's okay, I had a mastectomy and I look a little funny too.

OISIE helps LAUREN up.

LAUREN: (cont'd) Did you call the Big Writer?

OISIE: I'll make an appointment when I get back.

LAUREN: Did you accept?

OISIE: When I get back.

LAUREN: What are you waiting for?

-------------------------AT ONCOLOGIST MAN - DR. DIET COKE: Surgical pathology report.

OISIE: (To Audience) Oncologist. This time, no diet coke.

MAN - DR. DIET COKE: Six out of twelve nodes are positive. We'll do the first twelve-week cycle of chemotherapy here. Then you will need more, there are several research hospitals you can investigate, I will give you names. Insurance won't like it, start early, you need this 14 Proscenium Fall 2014

bone marrow transplant, insurance won't approve, you will have to fight them, all the doctors will write, you may need a lawyer.

-------------------------WITH AUDIENCE OISIE: (To Audience) Don't think there's no hope. There is hope.

--------------------------LAUREN INTERRUPTS LAUREN: (To OISIE) I just need time.

OISIE: Treatment equals time.

----------------------------ON WAY TO CAR ACQUAINTANCE accosts LAUREN. WOMAN - ACQUAINTANCE: (About her cancer) Lauren! I just heard.

LAUREN: I'm okay.

WOMAN - ACQUAINTANCE: (Eyebrows raised - all hopeful) You got it early!

OISIE: (To ACQUAINTANCE) Yes, she did.

WOMAN - ACQUAINTANCE relieved, leaves.

LAUREN: There was no early.

OISIE: That's all people know. That's all they're taught: “Early detection is the best prevention.”

LAUREN: Just put on a pink ribbon, stick your head between your legs, and kiss your ass good-bye.

Maybe they laugh.

LAUREN: (cont'd) Hungry?

OISIE: A little.

LAUREN: We have time.

--------------------------AT SURGEON'S OFFICE OISIE: (To Audience) We go to get Lauren's bandage off.

MAN - SURGEON: Looks good.

SURGEON leaves. LAUREN looks at OISIE. Beat.

LAUREN: Does it? Look good.

OISIE: The lump's gone. Like you wanted. It's...a line... like horizontal. Very even...with a little pucker here.

(Near where Lauren's cleavage was) It's...

LAUREN is looking now.

LAUREN: Okay. Okay.

OISIE: Sweet somehow.

LAUREN: I want to get a wig before my hair falls out.

-----------------------WIG MAKER OISIE: (To Audience)

We go get a wig.

WOMAN - WIG MAKER presents a short wig.

LAUREN: Longer.

WOMAN - WIG MAKER: You'll be happier with something shorter.

LAUREN: I wear my hair long.

OISIE: This could be cute.

WOMAN - WIG MAKER: Adorable.

LAUREN: I want to look like myself.

WOMAN - WIG MAKER: She won't.

OISIE: (Flash of bitch) She told you she wants something like her hair.

MAN - WIG MAKER takes over.

MAN - WIG MAKER: It'll be expensive.

LAUREN: Show me.

MAN - WIG MAKER: Real European hair. I can match it to your color, perm it to curl. You look fierce.

LAUREN: What do you think?

OISIE: It looks...

LAUREN: Okay.

OISIE: Yea...

--------------------------AT AIRPORT WOMAN - ANNOUNCER: We are now ready to board your flight Back East.

OISIE: I have it all figured out. Sometimes work can use me out here, so I can get my flights covered if I work a couple of days.

LAUREN: You've been great, Ois. OISIE: You and me.

LAUREN: But now you need to get ready for grad school. And pay some attention to your girlfriend.

OISIE: You still needLAUREN: I'm okay. Chemo, bone marrow, radiation.

OISIE: Girlfriend, grad school, write.

LAUREN: Fourteen forty.

OISIE goes and then....

--------------------------OISIE'S MEMORY ...Is surprised by LAUREN running with her. Suddenly, OISIE is 11. LAUREN is 16.

LAUREN: Ready, Set, Go! OISIE holds her back from the beach edge.

OISIE: We've never been to the beach. Together. We've never been.

LAUREN: I know.

OISIE: I've been to the beach without you.

LAUREN: Me too without you.

OISIE: In Florida when you visit your Mom? LAUREN: Yes. And here.

OISIE: Here too?

LAUREN: I haven't been here in a very long time.

OISIE: Since you met me?

LAUREN: If it was since, I would've gone with you.

Ready?

OISIE: My father doesn't call any more.

LAUREN: I heard.

OISIE: He used to call every Friday, see us every other, and then he got married and then he called and said he'd see us next week, and then he called and said he'd see us next month and then he called and said he'd see us in the summer, but he hasn't called.

LAUREN: My Mom got married too.

OISIE: I heard.

LAUREN: To this man.

OISIE: Uh Huh. LAUREN: I don't like him.

OISIE: Why don't you like him? Is he not nice?

LAUREN: (He touched her) .....

OISIE: Does he smell funny?

LAUREN: .....

OISIE: I mean or did he make you cry?

LAUREN: I don't cry.

OISIE: Me neither.

LAUREN: ...

OISIE: So...

LAUREN: Yea, he smells funny.

OISIE: Is that why you're here this summer?

LAUREN: Can we go in the water now?

OISIE: Now we can go.

--------------------------EAST/WEST The stage splits East and West.

OISIE: (To Audience) Big Next Step: Lauren's starting chemo.

BIG WRITER and FELLOW PATIENT - BRENDA wait.

LAUREN waves OISIE to go.

OISIE: (cont’d) (To LAUREN) Okay.

(To BIG WRITER) Okay. I accept. I want to come to grad school. I want to study with you.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Excellent.

OISIE: My sister will be done with chemo and the BMT - bone marrow transplant - and be ready for radiation before school starts.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Sounds like she'll be fine.

OISIE: She will. She totally will.

WOMAN - BRENDA: New? LAUREN: Just started.

WOMAN - BRENDA: Second time around.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 15

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio LAUREN: Oh. MAN - BIG WRITER: I'm turning down other equally talented students. If you don't need this, don't waste my time.

OISIE: I won't.

WOMAN - BRENDA: Stage One: lumpectomy, radiation. Two years off for good behavior. Suddenly, a pain in my shoulder. Now I'm Stage Three.

LAUREN: Me too. Stage Three, I mean.

WOMAN - BRENDA: (Surprised, concerned) Already?

LAUREN: Clean mammogram six months ago. Mastectomy. T-10.

MAN - BIG WRITER: There's a first year contest. It's a must win. I tell that to all my students. Make sure it's you.

OISIE: Okay. I will.

WOMAN - BRENDA: Brenda.

LAUREN: Lauren.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Good. We start on the 20th.

OISIE: That early?

MAN - BIG WRITER: Is there a problem?

OISIE: No. But, I wanted to ask you. I have to work, consulting, very flexible. And my sister. I may need to miss some classes. I need to flyMAN - BIG WRITER: You may not miss any classes.

You must meet all deadlines.

OISIE: Oh. MAN - BIG WRITER: Those are the rules.

OISIE: I'm good at rules.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Are you writing?

OISIE: Now? Yes. Not enough.

MAN - BIG WRITER: It's the only thing you can do.

OISIE: The only thing...

MAN - BIG WRITER: Let the doctors treat cancer. You write. No matter what's going on. No matter how you feel. Sit down every day and write.

--------------------------EAST/WEST WOMAN - INSURANCE REP: Phone call.

LAUREN: Insurance says no.

WOMAN - INSURANCE REP: This treatment is experimental. According to your policy, there is no experimental treatment allowed.

OISIE: We need to find a lawyer. I'll make some calls.

LAUREN: I got one.

OISIE: Oh...good.

MAN - LAWYER: The lawyer WOMAN - INSURANCE REP: And insurance company MAN AND WOMAN: Negotiate.

LAWYER and INSURANCE REP exit wrestling.

16 Proscenium Fall 2014

-------------------------AT HOME OISIE rushes in.

OISIE: (To Audience) It takes me forever to finish something for work. Finally, I fly out.

(To LAUREN) What's with the lawyer? What can I do?

LAUREN: Mezuzahs.

OISIE: What does that have to do withLAUREN: The lawyer is handling it. I want mezuzahs.

OISIE: (Realizing Audience might not know) Mezuzahs are the small boxes you see tilted on doorposts. She already has one hanging on the front door.

LAUREN: I want them on all the doors.

OISIE: (To Audience) Only the orthodox put them on all the doors, we are far from orthodox. But if she wants them, right?

LAUREN: (Counting) ...three, four...

OISIE: (To Audience) This is the West. She's got a lot of doors.

LAUREN: Five. The garage.

OISIE: (To LAUREN) Okay, so why mezuzahs?

LAUREN: The scroll.

OISIE: (To Audience) There's a handwritten scroll inside.

(To LAUREN) I don't remember what it says.

LAUREN: It promises that if we love God - then God may provide rain for our land.

OISIE: Oh, the rain bit.

LAUREN: The rain bit.

OISIE: That we can't ask, right? We can't pray “dear God, please make it rain.”

LAUREN: We can not ask. We can only love God. Life.

Beat.

LAUREN: (cont'd) Turns out there are kosher and non-kosher mezuzahs.

OISIE: Let's get the kosher ones.

LAUREN: Then I'll buy you lunch.

LAWYER and INSURANCE REP wrestle themselves back on...

WOMAN - INSURANCE REP: According to her policy.

MAN - LAWYER: According to her doctors. ...and off again.

OISIE: Those two are costing you valuable time.

LAUREN: I'm okay.

OISIE: You were supposed to start this treatment weeks ago. You were supposed to finish before I leave for grad school.

LAUREN: I'll be okay.

OISIE: I know. I believe that.

I can postpone.

LAUREN: No. OISIE: Wait a semester.

LAUREN: Absolutely not.

OISIE: Or find a grad school here.

LAUREN: You're going to study with the Big Writer.

OISIE: Why can't you let me decide? I want to be withLAUREN: Oisied.

Beat.

OISIE: Can I? I want to tell you this. When I was heading off to Europe for the first time.

LAUREN: I know.

OISIE: But I was going to be back in plenty of time. I planned it, for the birth of your child.

Overlapping.

LAUREN: Ois. OISIE: And then Joe called and said you'd gone into labor prematurely and my flight and then...the baby died.

LAUREN: ...

OISIE: I flew to Paris.

LAUREN: I wanted you to.

OISIE: Yeah, but...I didn't tune in to what you were going through. Too twenty-five with a Eurail pass. Even when I got back. I knew, but I didn't get it. I missed... this...irreparable... I don't want to miss any more.

LAUREN: You have to. That's living your life. You have to.

OISIE: The Big Writer has more rules than Daddy. If I go. I can't miss any classes. I can't miss any deadlines.

If only I'd gone to grad school instead of Paris.

LAUREN: You are going now.

LAWYER and INSURANCE REP come back into view still wrestling.

MAN - LAWYER: Hoo- Hah! Lawyer wins.

WOMAN - INSURANCE REP: All right, little miss pain in the ass, make a fuss, break all the rules, cost us lots of money, your lawyer scared us so go ahead and get your experimental treatment if you want. But now you have to travel sixty miles on the truck-congested freeway instead of three miles from your house. You still can change your mind and save us money.

LAUREN: (In her full power) Thank you for your support. And don't worry about the freeway. When truckers cut me off...

(Traffic sound) I whip off my wig.

-------------------------AT OFFICE OISIE: (To Audience) Count down to the BMTLAUREN: (Going down her list) The boys have their teacher assignments, new clothes.You're taking them shopping for school supplies after I go in.

OISIE: We'll pick our supplies out together.

LAUREN: (To WEEPY ASSISTANT) Get your calendar.

OISIE: (To Audience) She'll be away for upwards of five weeks in isolation, completely incapacitated.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Got it.

LAUREN: I want you to mark your calendar.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: What do you want me to mark?

LAUREN: (Taking calendar) Here. I'll show you.

MAN - SAUL: Phone call.

LAUREN: I'll get it.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: (To OISIE) I like your sneakers.

OISIE: She just got them for me. She always does for the first day of school.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: What are we going to do without her?

OISIE quickly turns away. Sits to write.

MAN - SAUL: Hello.

LAUREN: Hi, Saul.

MAN - SAUL: This is Saul.

LAUREN: I'll pick you up at 3:00.

MAN - SAUL: I have that appointment at the bank today, you know.

LAUREN: You stay right inside until I get there, Saul.

MAN - SAUL: I can meet a pretty lady on the curb.

LAUREN: I want to come in to get you.

MAN - SAUL: This bladder. I can barely finish a sentence, I got to go back in.

LAUREN: We can stop along the way.

MAN - SAUL: I'm not wearing diapers. I'd rather shoot myself.

LAUREN: Can I take you to the bank first?

MAN - SAUL: (Struggling to hang up)This phone...Is this the right button?

LAUREN: (Listening)...Bye...

MAN - SAUL: (Still WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISstruggling with phone) TANT: (To OISIE) Can How do I...Oh, for pete's you give me the address sake. of the research hospital?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: (cont’d) I want to come see her.

LAUREN: (To WEEPY ASSISTANT) It's too far. I need you here in the office.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 17

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I can come see you too.

LAUREN: You can't do everything. Where's your calendar?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Right here.

LAUREN: This is plenty. I know you want to see me, but sometimes, to get things done, you have to amend the goal.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Wait. What do I need to do?

LAUREN: Amend the goal.

OISIE: There's a Laurenism if there ever was one.

LAUREN: It works.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I'll do my calendar.

You don't have to worry about anything.

LAUREN: Good.

(She's ready) Time to hit the mall.

OISIE: You already got me sneaks.

LAUREN: You need a whole new outfit for the first day of school.

OISIE: You have Saul at 3:00.

LAUREN: I have time.

OISIE: You already spent enough money on meLAUREN: I have plenty of money...and time.

OISIE: L. You don't have to. I'm not twelve.

LAUREN: O. I want to. And you are too. To me you are twelve forever. Banana curls and all.

------------------------SHOPPING OISIE: (To Audience - Pure Joy) We shop for the first day of school.

LAUREN and OISIE shop with the help of MAN and WOMAN as store clerks. Various “Yes” “No” “This one” “Thank yous” can be heard. It ends with OISIE in her first day of school outfit.

--------------------------At SAUL'S LAUREN drinks water.

MAN - SAUL: I don't know how you drink so much water.

LAUREN: That's what the doctor has me doing. Pushing fluids.

MAN - SAUL: What's this about I'm not going to see you for months?

LAUREN: Five weeks. Or so. My assistant will take care of you.

MAN - SAUL: The cry baby.

LAUREN: She's very skilled.

MAN - SAUL: What about my money?

18 Proscenium Fall 2014

LAUREN: I'm working on it.

MAN - SAUL: How're you going to work on it in a hospital?

LAUREN: You heard the branch manager. The fraud department is reviewing your case.

MAN - SAUL: That dame charmed me. Charmed me like a snake. Charmed my son too.

LAUREN: I know.

MAN - SAUL: It's a lost cause.

LAUREN: It's not, Saul. I don't believe that for a minute. I'm going to do everything I can to get your money back.

MAN - SAUL: I'll probably meet my maker before I see you again.

LAUREN: Don't you dare die on me, Saul. Don't you dare.

MAN - SAUL: You neither.

--------------------------AT RESEARCH HOSPITAL OISIE: (To Audience) At the research hospital, we settle into Lauren's glass room..

LAUREN: Oh, look, I can see the nurse's desk.

OISIE: All the time.

LAUREN: Okay.

OISIE: (To Audience) There's a special channel on the television with tips on tying scarves around your head, draping scarves down your chest, stuffing scarves in your bra.

(To LAUREN) It's amazing what they think you can fix with scarves.

WOMAN - DR. KILLCURE appears in a mask with a clipboard. OISIE retrieves it.

OISIE: (cont'd) These are the papers you need to sign.

LAUREN: What does it say?

OISIE: You don't have to worry about cancer any more because there's lots of ways they can kill you with the cure.

LAUREN: Give me the paper. I'll sign.

OISIE: No. LAUREN: Come on.

OISIE: (Counting) There are seven failures and nine, ten, eleven damages.

LAUREN: Give me the paper.

OISIE: You could die.

LAUREN: We knew that.

OISIE: I know we knew that. But what if we're wrong?

LAUREN: This is the plan. I'm going to live. Or die trying.

OISIE gives LAUREN the paper. LAUREN hands paper to DR. KILLCURE.

OISIE: (To Audience) Dr. KillCure has taken her case from Dr. Diet Coke.

LAUREN: Go to grad school. I'm okay. Go. -------------------------EAST/WEST The stage splits East and West.

OISIE: (To Audience) Lauren's in isolation, weak - getting weaker. I'm far away at grad school. Every day between classes. Phone call.

Hospital machines beep.

LAUREN: (Extremely weak) Hey. DARRYL and TARA stand around OISIE blocking her view of LAUREN OISIE: It's Oisie. Hey. LAUREN: Hey. WOMAN - TARA: Darryl, that is so totally not what he meant.

MAN - DARRYL: Read it again, Tara.

Overlapping LAUREN: How's it going?

OISIE: How are you? Tell me.

WOMAN - TARA: I don't need to.

MAN - DARRYL: Ya, you do.

LAUREN: Grad school.

OISIE: Demanding.

LAUREN: Good.

OISIE: We have to read and analyze like 300 pages every night and write like 300 pages. I'm exaggerating.

And read each other's work and critique.

LAUREN: I got to go.

OISIE: You didn't tell me how are you?

LAUREN: (She's already gone.)

MAN - DARRYL: Hey. OISIE: Hey, Darryl.

Man - Darryl: Your name really Oisie?

OISIE: Eloisa.

MAN - DARRYL: I heard you say Oisie.

OISIE: To my sister, yes.

MAN - DARRYL: Should I call you Oisie?

OISIE: No, you should call me Eloisa.

MAN - DARRYL: I read your piece.

OISIE: Thank you. I read yours.

MAN - DARRYL: It's so technical. I mean, I don't know, even, what a stem cell is. I mean I know what a stem is, you know. And I know what a cell is. But I have, like, no idea what a stem cell is.

OISIE: And you still don't, after reading...the whole... thing?

MAN - DARRYL: I get that she's dying.

OISIE: She's not dying.

MAN - DARRYL: I thought she was dying.

OISIE: No. No, no, no, no. Not dying.

MAN - DARRYL: It says she lies there...”a complete inability to move” OISIE: She has no white blood cells.

MAN - DARRYL: And then she “flips on all fours retching then back and immobile again” OISIE: That's part of the bone marrow transplant - She's waiting for her stem cells- She's waiting for her blood to recover.

MAN - DARRYL: “not knowing how she ever moved.”

OISIE: It's as close to death as you can get without- I can make it clearer.

MAN - DARRYL: So what did you think of my piece?

OISIE: Yeah, right, so, ah, it took me awhile to figure out what ass floss was. I mean I know what an ass is and I know what floss is. But ass floss took me a minute.

MAN - COLLEAGUE: OISIE: (cont’d)Thong.

A thong.

MAN - DARRYL: (Funniest thing ever) Right.

OISIE: So I get that he doesn't get laid.

MAN - DARRYL: I get laid.

OISIE: Oh, it seemed like he never got laid.

MAN - DARRYL: I totally get laid.

DARRYL moves away.

OISIE: Phone call.

LAUREN: Can't talkOISIE: Okay. Bye. LAUREN: (She's gone.)

OISIE turns. TARA is on top of her.

OISIE: Tara.

WOMAN - TARA: Did you hear?

OISIE: What?

WOMAN - TARA: Darryl.

OISIE: ...

WOMAN - TARA: He won a Webbie.

(OISIE has no clue) The biggest blog award. Now he thinks he's going to win the contest and everything.

LAUREN: Phone call.

OISIE: (To TARA) Excuse me. Sorry.

(To LAUREN) Hey. LAUREN: It's me.

OISIE: You sound good.

LAUREN: How's school?

OISIE: Fine. Great. What's going on?

LAUREN: I'm going home.

OISIE: Oh, Lauren.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 19

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio LAUREN: I feel lousy, but better. I'm okay. Grateful.

BIG WRITER: Final drafts due tomorrow. I'll be selecting for this month's readings. I need your contest submissions by Monday.

OISIE sits to write as...

-------------------------WEST ...LAUREN finishes a gesture, perhaps tying her shoes or buttoning her shirt still tired, but with increasing vigor.

LAUREN: Phone call.

OISIE: You're starting radiation.

LAUREN: Bring it on.

OISIE: And then you'll be done, you'll be done.

LAUREN: How's your deadline?

OISIE: Darryl's a threat.

LAUREN: Knock him out.

OISIE: I'm trying. Mr. “Blogging since I cut my teeth.”

LAUREN: My money's on you.

WOMAN - TECHNICIAN: (Bitchy) Take off your clothes. Sit there. Wait.

LAUREN: Isn't there someplace more private?

WOMAN - TECHNICIAN: I SAID SIT! LAUREN: Are you having a bad day?

WOMAN - TECHNICIAN: My boyfriend dumped me, my car ran out of gas, I'm constipated, my hair won't stay straight (curled), I have a zit...

--------------------------EAST OISIE: (To Audience) Every day life puts cancer in perspective.

Year Two begins. That was all year one.

--------------------------WEST LAUREN faces DR. KILLCURE, still hidden behind a face mask. OISIE wades through a large accumulation of papers.

WOMAN - Dr. KILLCURE: It's in your back.

Thud.

OISIE: We already knew about T-10.

LAUREN: There's more, higher and lower. And in my pelvis.

OISIE: Bone. Only bone. Tumors on your bones is much better than your organs.

DR. KILLCURE hands LAUREN a piece of paper, leaves.

LAUREN: Oh, there's good news.

OISIE: What?

LAUREN: Dr. KillCure got me in to see Dr. Wrote A Book.

20 Proscenium Fall 2014

DR. WROTE A BOOK approaches autographing a book for LAUREN. MAN - Dr. WROTE A BOOK: We're going to start Taxol twice a week - Laura, right?

LAUREN: Lauren. L-A-U-R-E-N. MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: And add Aredia to strengthen your bones. And you'll need to come in every day for hydration.

OISIE: What's that?

LAUREN: Calcium is a by-product of bone metastases (muh-TAS-tuh-sees.)

MAN - Dr. WROTE A BOOK: We need to flush your system for four hours every single day.

OISIE: Four hours.

LAUREN: That's okay.

MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: (Reading her chart) Apparently a mistake was made. Your cancer is estrogen receptive. You should have started Herceptin twelve-months ago.

LAUREN: Can I start it now?

OISIE: How did that happen?

LAUREN: Labs make mistakes.

OISIE: With your life?

MAN - WROTE A BOOK: That's why my office re-tested.

OISIE: What does all that wasted time mean?

LAUREN: We'll find out.

OISIE: Pisses me off.

LAUREN: I'm okay.

OISIE: Call the lawyer.

LAUREN: You call him.

(If I die) If it doesn't work.

OISIE: What are we going to do if it doesn't work?

LAUREN: (On her cell phone) We're having a party.

OISIE: (To Audience) Her oldest is being Bar Mitzvahed.

LAUREN heads off, leaving OISIE. OISIE: (cont'd)You were supposed to catch a break. I was sure you'd get a break.

--------------------------EAST OISIE waits for BIG WRITER. TARA approaches.

WOMAN - TARA: Have you seen him?

OISIE: I'm next.

WOMAN - TARA: So you don't know?

OISIE: No. Do you?

WOMAN - TARA: I know I didn't win. Not that I expected to win the contest against Darryl. Or you. Between his balls and your boobs, Medieval prose doesn't stand

a chance even though it is so much harder to write.

TARA rushes off as BIG WRITER steps out.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Congratulations.

OISIE: I won?

MAN - BIG WRITER: No. OISIE: Oh....?

MAN - BIG WRITER: You both did.

OISIE: Both?

MAN - BIG WRITER: You split the award MAN - BIG WRITER: OISIE: With Darryl. (cont'd) With Darryl.

OISIE: (cont'd) Why am I not surprised?

MAN - BIG WRITER: I was.

OISIE: You were?

MAN - BIG WRITER: I thought Darryl would take it.

OISIE: She's not better.

MAN - BIG WRITER: ...

OISIE: My sister. I'm here every day, every class, make every deadline and the cancer's moved into her back, her bones, in her back.

MAN - BIG WRITER: You are welcome to go. It's your choice.

OISIE: ...

MAN - BIG WRITER: When I started submitting my work, I would take each rejection letter and hang it on the wall above my desk. As soon as my wall was covered with rejections, I started getting accepted.

OISIE: The contest's the only thing I've ever submitted to...

MAN - BIG WRITER: It's time for you to start.

OISIE: Really? I mean, I know Darryl does.

MAN - BIG WRITER: There's a journal, small, noteworthy, a former student of mine called looking for new writers. I was thinking of sending your piece.

OISIE: Do you think itsMAN - BIG WRITER: Yes. OISIE: Ready?

MAN - BIG WRITER: Unless you want to go back to the bank.

BIG WRITER leaves her.

LAUREN: So you split it, that'sOISIE: You must be disappointed in me too.

LAUREN: Now you've got more to fight for.

OISIE: The Big Writer wants me to submit for publication. There's a journal, noteworthy. He wants to send my piece.

LAUREN: Oisie!

OISIE: There are deadlines every month. So many opportunities. I don't know how I'll keep up.

LAUREN: Put them all in your calendar.

OISIE: (to Audience - won an award expression) “My sister had Stage Three breast cancer, but she's here with us tonight.” I can see her sitting there. The spotlight on her.

--------------------------OISIE'S MEMORY Tossed back into past. LAUREN (21) approaches OISIE (16) holding magazine. And maybe a joint.

LAUREN: I think it's great. Really great.

OISIE: But? LAUREN: You're the editor.

OISIE: Co-editor.

LAUREN: So doesn't it...isn't it funny that your piece is the longest?

OISIE: It's not the longest.

LAUREN: One of the longest.

OISIE: It's just a high school literary magazine. We're just practicing. It doesn't mean anything.

LAUREN: It means somethingOISIE: Daddy wanted to know why I had to write about something ugly.

LAUREN: Try getting asked endless questions with answers he doesn't want to hear.

OISIE: Like what?

LAUREN: Like where I'm going to live this summer.

OISIE: I thought you were going to stay home.

LAUREN: I can't listen to his questions.

OISIE: Can I come visit?

LAUREN: Like he'd let you. With my answers.

OISIE: Andrew?

LAUREN: What's he want me to be? A nun?

Beat.

OISIE: Do you think its ugly? My story?

LAUREN: It's a little dark.

OISIE: So's...life.

LAUREN: Well, if that's how you feel.

OISIE: Forget it. Life's great. I don't even like my story.

OISIE discards the magazine.

--------------------------EAST/WEST WOMAN - HEAD NURSE: Calcium levels look good.

OISIE: (To Audience) Dr. Wrote A Book's nurse. He's at a book signing.

LAUREN: Good enough to take my kids on vacation?

WOMAN - HEAD NURSE: I'll ask the doctor.

LAUREN: Did you look at the house?

OISIE: You can't miss hydration and chemo.

LAUREN: Dr. Wrote a Book gave me a week off.

OISIE: That's great.

LAUREN: The boys and Joe want mountains. We all Fall 2014 Proscenium 21

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio need a break. Unless you're too busy.

OISIE: No. I mean, yes. My writing's generic.

MAN - BIG WRITER: I kept turning the pages wondering what's happened. What's happened to her?

OISIE: It's that bad?

MAN - BIG WRITER: I was shocked.

OISIE: Shocked?

MAN - BIG WRITER: It's...generic.

OISIE: ...

MAN - BIG WRITER: All your distractions. It's showing in your work.

OISIE: I sit down every day to write. But it all crumbles to dust.

MAN - BIG WRITER: I wouldn't submit this.

OISIE: No. I get it. I won't. I'm going to re-write it and draft my thesis...

MAN - BIG WRITER: Write what only you can write.

See you in August.

-------------------------MOUNTAIN HOUSE OISIE: (To Audience) July. We all meet up at the mountain house.

LAUREN: What do you think of bonds versus stocks?

OISIE: Long term stocks have the highest total rate of return. But when...when people stop earning, they need income.

LAUREN: And then college.

OISIE: College funds are different. You know exactly when you're going to need the money. Is this for the boys?

LAUREN: The boys, Saul, me.

OISIE: I can make an investment plan.

LAUREN: Concentrate on your writing.

OISIE: You think it's generic too.

LAUREN: I think you should listen to the Big Writer.

OISIE: I AM I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. Sorry.

LAUREN: You're not sleeping.

OISIE: I'm sleeping.

LAUREN: I hear you rattling around.

OISIE: Sorry, I thought I was quiet.

LAUREN: You think loud.

OISIE: Because my writing is generic!

LAUREN: You're trying to do too much.

OISIE: You do too much all the time.

LAUREN: My writing's not generic.

Beat.

LAUREN: (cont'd) When you get upset, you distract yourself, when you're distracted you stop sleeping, when you stop sleeping, you stop concentrating, when 22 Proscenium Fall 2014

you stop concentrating your work suffers, when your work suffers you get upset and to keep from feeling upset, you distract yourself.

OISIE: I keep picturing myself. Winning an award. I don't know what award. But I'm a writer winning. And you're there with me. I'm on the stage and you're in the seat.

LAUREN: I need you to be okay.

OISIE: I need you to be okay.

LAUREN: No. I need you to be okay.

--------------------------OISIE'S MEMORY OISIE, 21, joins Lauren, 26, at Funeral Home waiting room.

OISIE: I was at the College when Mom called to tell me. My bras were at my girlfriend's. So I had to take my friends on different phones, everyone checking bus schedules, flight times - to get me to my bras. I figured Mom didn't need to deal with me bra-less for Daddy's funeral.

LAUREN: I could've bought you some.

OISIE: That's a waste. I mean, I have two.

LAUREN: Well, you and your bras got here.

MAN - RABBI steps up. RABBI pins a black ribbon first on LAUREN, then on OISIE. MAN - RABBI: When a parent dies, we wear the K'riah ribbon over our hearts. This placement reflects the passing of someone who is irreplaceable. For other losses, we wear the K'riah ribbon on our right side. A spouse, a sibling, a child even. For we may have another spouse, another sibling, another child. A parent can never be replaced.

OISIE: Can we cry now?

LAUREN: You can cry.

OISIE: If we're hurt or sick or if Daddy dies not talking to you.

LAUREN: He could've died not talking to me.

OISIE: Yeah, well, he died not talking to me.

MAN - RABBI: Yis'ga'dal v'yis'kadash sh'mey ra'bbo...

ALL: (Except Maybe Oisie) Omein.

OISIE: The generosity of his heart stopped.

--------------------------MOUNTAIN HOUSE LAUREN: Did you settle on your thesis topic?

OISIE: By August, it could all be dust and I could be back at the bank as if this all were a dream.

LAUREN: You need to get back into your work.

OISIE: Get back in. I'm in. Don't you get it. I'm in. That doesn't mean I'm going to make it.

LAUREN: You're going to make it.

OISIE: Laurened.

Beat.

LAUREN: Can I? I want to tell you. When I was in grad school and you came to see meOISIE: After Daddy died?

LAUREN: And I asked you what you were thinking of doing after you graduate and you started talking about business school. And I said that sounded great because it sounded great to me to learn about the bond market and currency trading and microeconomics. I wished I could go.

OISIE: You were about to get your MSW. LAUREN: Out of my love for school, for learning, for money.

OISIE: Money, money, Depression-scarred Daddy. He couldn't be an artist, so I couldn't be an artist. “Vocation over Avocation.” Work was a prison for him. But he was such a good artist. He made this print. I was with him at work. And like nothing. This beautiful. On plexiglass. Then back to printing supermarket signs for the rest of his life. He needed to turn his generous heart on himself.

LAUREN: Exactly, but listen, listen, oh, Ois that visit I could feel your confusion. I could feel it and I didn't ask you why.

OISIE: I didn't know why. Make a dead man happy?

LAUREN: I knew, I knew.

OISIE: You knew?

Beat.

LAUREN: Daddy was wrong. I was wrong. Forget him.

I was wrong. And now we can fix it. You and me.

OISIE: Maybe it's too late.

LAUREN: It's not. Don't say that. Don't you say that.

OISIE: It feels late.

LAUREN: No, you're doing it. Forget me. You are doing it.

OISIE: Maybe. And maybe I can't fix it. Maybe we can't.

LAUREN: We can try.

OISIE: Please, please just go home and rest.

LAUREN: We can try.

--------------------------EAST/WEST LAUREN busy with her activities. OISIE maybe throws paper with each new thing LAUREN has accomplished as her frustration with LAUREN not resting builds.

LAUREN: I picked up some art supplies.

WOMAN - SCHOOL TEACHER: These will last for five years.

LAUREN: I can get more.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Better. Specifics, not logistics.

Yes? LAUREN: Here's the new laminated rule book.

WOMAN - RABID PARENT: This is terrific.

LAUREN: Now everyone can keep score.

(Off her look) Well, maybe not everyone.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Detail. Detail. Detail.

LAUREN: How about a wine tasting fund raiser?

WOMAN - FELLOW PARENT: The Hebrew School needs new text books.

MAN - BIG WRITER: What you never knew.

LAUREN: Maybe one of her pups will make champion.

WOMAN - BREEDER: I have the perfect stud.

LAUREN: (To her dog) Maybe one of your pups.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Blood. Write with blood.

LAUREN: Can you get me in to see that duplex on Blufton Lane?

WOMAN - REALTOR: It needs a little TLC. But you should be able to get $2000 a month for each unit.

LAUREN: I always wanted a renovation project.

MAN - BIG WRITER: What is the thing she has never said to anyone?

OISIE: STOP. LAUREN: What?

OISIE: Just. Stop.

LAUREN: Stop what?

OISIE: Doing.

LAUREN: Doing?

OISIE: Everything.

LAUREN: I like doing everything.

OISIE: For everyone.

LAUREN: I like doing for everyone.

OISIE: All the time.

LAUREN: I like doing everything for everyone all the time.

OISIE: I know you like it, but you have to stop fundraising and dogbreeding and buying real estate and picking people up from the airport.

LAUREN: I can pick you up.

OISIE: I'm renting a car. I'll see you at home.

LAUREN greets OISIE. LAUREN: How was your flight?

OISIE: You look tired.

LAUREN: I have cancer.

OISIE: Give me the list. You stay home and rest. I'll be you.

LAUREN: You rest. I like being me.

OISIE: Okay, then you and me.

LAUREN: You're exhausted.

OISIE: I'm fine.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 23

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio LAUREN: No, you're not.

OISIE: Neither are you.

LAUREN: Don't you need to finish your thesis?

OISIE: I already did.

LAUREN: Want me to read it?

OISIE: You don't have time.

LAUREN: I can make time.

OISIE: I wish you could.

LAUREN: If you don't want me to read it.

OISIE: What do you know about fractal alienation? I mean, seriously.

LAUREN: Nothing, I hope.

I need to go to the bank. And then, I'll buy you lunch.

LAUREN leaves OISIE. --------------------------AT OFFICE OISIE rushes in.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Oh, Eloisa, you scaredOISIE: Where's Lauren's calender?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Is something wrong?

Ohmygod.

OISIE: No. I just need her calendar.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Is Lauren? Where's Lauren?

OISIE: She's fine.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I just didn't want to think with you running in like that.

OISIE: Lauren's at the bank.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Phew!

OISIE: Can I have Lauren's calendar now, please? I need to see her appointments.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Oh, no.

OISIE: What?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I just had it.

OISIE: Unreal.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Right where Lauren likes it.

OISIE: If it were right where Lauren likes it I would have it already.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I don't know.

OISIE: Just find it.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I can't.

OISIE: Why the hell not?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I'm too upset. I need a minute.

OISIE: I don't have a minute. I need Lauren's calendar right now.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I don't have it.

OISIE: STOP CRYING. 24 Proscenium Fall 2014

LAUREN arrives.

LAUREN: What are you doing?

OISIE: She lost your calendar.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I'm sorry.

LAUREN: You have nothing to be sorry about.

LAUREN cradles WEEPY ASSISTANT OISIE: I wanted to see what you had for appointments, if I could help you with scheduling. Like I used to.

LAUREN: (to OISIE) Here's money. Get your own lunch.

OISIE: How come she gets to cry?

LAUREN: You can cry if you want to.

OISIE: Why don't you?

LAUREN: I got nothing to cry about.

Beat.

OISIE: I just wanted...

LAUREN: You wanted to have not gone to Paris. Guess what? You went.

Beat. OISIE heads out.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I want to go to Paris.

--------------------------AT CHEMO DR. WROTE A BOOK approaches carrying a stack of books.

LAUREN: Oh, is that the new book?

MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: It just came out. I don't know. My editor insisted on this new picture of me.

LAUREN: I like it. Looks like you're at the beach.

MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: That's what I told her.

Ah, well. The second edition will print soon enough.

Let's see your test results.

LAUREN: Have you looked?

MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: Not yet.

LAUREN follows DR. WROTE A BOOK off.

WOMAN - BRENDA enters, picks up new book.

OISIE enters.

OISIE: Excuse me.

WOMAN - BRENDA: Yes. OISIE: Do you know Lauren?

WOMAN - Brenda: Everyone knows Lauren.

OISIE: Is she in with the doctor?

WOMAN - BRENDA: I'm sorry, who are you?

OISIE: I'm. I'm Oisie.

WOMAN - BRENDA: ...

OISIE: Lauren's sister.

WOMAN - BRENDA: Oh, I know she had the appointment before mine. She's likely in with the doctor now.

BRENDA reads.

OISIE: Are you Brenda?

WOMAN - BRENDA: Yes.

OISIE: Lauren's mentioned you.

WOMAN - BRENDA: Lauren's the best.

BRENDA returns to her book. Uncharacteristically, OISIE does nothing. Just sits.

Time.

LAUREN comes out. Sighs for the first time.

LAUREN: I think I just caught a break.

OISIE: That'sLAUREN and BRENDA hug. OISIE watches.

OISIE: (cont’d) ...great.

LAUREN: I'm cleared till my three month check up.

WOMAN - BRENDA: Wow. MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: Brenda.

LAUREN: Wait. Let me get. Could I get your phone number?

WOMAN - BRENDA: Sure. I'd like that.

LAUREN: Like the last day of school.

WOMAN - BRENDA: (Handing her number) Call me.

LAUREN: I will.

--------------------------OISIE'S MEMORY OISIE is six and LAUREN is 11. OISIE is scrunched up small. LAUREN finds her.

LAUREN: Oisie. Ois. O. OISIE: I'm not crying.

LAUREN: This is what I do. Are you listening?

OISIE nods.

LAUREN: (cont’d) When things seem yucky and there's yelling, or icy silence or it's raining NOs. I go. Fourteen Forty. Ready, Set, Go. OISIE: Fourteen Forty?

LAUREN: It's a magic code. Want me to tell you?

OISIE nods.

LAUREN: (cont’d) There's 60 minutes in one hour.

OISIE: I know that.

LAUREN: And how many hours in a day?

OISIE: Like...maybe ten? There's more in the summer.

LAUREN: More daylight in the summer, but there's the same number of hours every day.

OISIE: I give up.

LAUREN: Twenty-four.

OISIE: That's alot of hours.

LAUREN: It is. And it's even more minutes.

OISIE: Fourteen forty?

LAUREN: Fourteen hundred and forty minutes in every single day. And you know what else?

OISIE: What?

LAUREN: Those minutes are mine. Those minutes are yours. Nobody can take your time away.

OISIE: Fourteen Forty LAUREN: Ready, Set, --------------------------BACK TO PRESENT LAUREN: GO! LAUREN pushes OISIE back to her life. Exits to hers.

OISIE lingers. The stage splits.

--------------------------EAST WOMAN - PUBLISHER: Phone call.

OISIE rushes to her desk.

OISIE: (To phone) LaurenWOMAN - PUBLISHER: Hello. I was looking for Eloisa...

OISIE: I'm Eloisa. Who's this?

WOMAN - PUBLISHER: Zoe from Spin Glass Press.

OISIE: Oh, yes, hello, sorry, sorry I wasWOMAN - PUBLISHER: Read your submission. Your take on fractal alienation. Very fresh. We'd like to publish it in our Spring Issue.

OISIE: That's. Wow. Thank you.

(To Audience) I graduated. Rejection letters cover my wall. And now Spin Glass wants toWOMAN - PUBLISHER: I have some notes.

OISIE: Great. I'm ready.

OISIE leaves the stage for the first time as...

--------------------------At SAUL'S ...LAUREN hurries in. She's in pain, moving with increased difficulty.

MAN - SAUL: You're late.

LAUREN: Sorry.

MAN - SAUL: What's the matter with you?

LAUREN: Nothing. A stitch.

MAN - SAUL: Is it the cancer?

LAUREN: I don't know. I woke up with it. I was fine last night.

MAN - SAUL: Take a seat.

LAUREN: I'm okay.

MAN - SAUL: I said sit.

LAUREN sits.

MAN - SAUL: (cont'd) You still pushing fluids.

LAUREN: I...yes...

SAUL goes to get her water. LAUREN waits. The pain's not good.

MAN - SAUL: I don't like people.

LAUREN: I know.

MAN - SAUL: I like women.

LAUREN: I know, Saul.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 25

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio MAN - SAUL: Women aren't people. That's why I like them. Gets me in trouble. The kind of trouble I like being in. That son of mine couldn't negotiate his way out of Port-o-potty lands this babe. I knew something was wrong the minute she walked through my door.

But then she took a seat. Right by my side. She had a way. She'd lean in and tap my arm, just tap, never linger. That son of mine be in the other room drinking my beer watching dopeball and she'd be...tapping my arm asking about the Catalina marathon or listening to me again about the U.S.S. Philadelphia or the time I met Ingrid Bergman. I got no regrets. You understand me.

Whatever you're costing me too. No regrets.

LAUREN: (Sudden tears) I'm running out of time. Sorry. I shouldn't...I don't...cry.

MAN - SAUL: Nothing wrong with crying.

LAUREN: (Laugh/cry) I don't know about that.

MAN - SAUL: My wife was a crier. Movies, greeting cards, commercials. Used to drive me nuts. Now. When say I catch myself tripping on the way to the john. I picture that face breaking up with tears. I'm not anxious to die. But I can't wait to see that face breaking up with tears.

LAUREN: You believe you're going to see her.

MAN - SAUL: I know it.

LAUREN: That's nice. My Dad. Seeing him would scare me more than dying. Getting all his questions about what I did with my life. Who I did it with. My son. The boy I lost. But I don't. I only believe in what I can do now. What I leave behind. I want more time.

MAN - SAUL: We get what we get.

--------------------------ALONE LAUREN: (cry for help) OISIE. --------------------------ON AIRPLANE OISIE boards plane.

OISIE: (Finding her seat, someone is in it) That's my seat.

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: Oh, well, let me check. Now where did I put that.

OISIE: (Waving hers) My boarding pass says 22D. This is 22D. MAN - FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Please take your seats to ensure our on-time departure.

OISIE: (Trying to get FLIGHT ATTENDANT's attention) Excuse me. Ah, hello. Could you- Help.

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: Here it is. 22D. You must be mistaken.

OISIE: Let me see that.

26 Proscenium Fall 2014

MAN - FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is there a problem?

OISIE: She's in my seat.

MAN - FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Your boarding passOISIE: They both say 22D. WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: Probably just a clerical error.

OISIE: I don't believe this.

MAN - FLIGHT ATTENDANT: This is a very full flight.

We may have to re-book you.

LAUREN: (Cry for help) OISIE. OISIE: Please you have to let me stay on this flight.

My sister the doctor has to insert a port-a-cath there's a staph infection in the veins that are swollen on her hands I need to get there so they can put this device in her chest above her heart so they can chemo directly everything she needs woosh in so they don't have to poke more holes in her hands where the staphMAN - FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (Executive decision) 22E is available.

OISIE melts into the seat.

MAN - FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (cont'd) There you are.

Everything's fine. I'm going to get you a nice glass of wine.

OISIE: I don't drink. I don't.

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: I do.

OISIE fidgets with her stuff, trying to get it placed for the flight.

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: (Offering space under seat) You can. I don't mind. If you need more room.

I never carry anything on board. Just my purse. That's all I need. I like to look out the window or watch the movie or talk.

OISIE: Thank you.

OISIE lays out her manuscript.

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: Are you a writer?

OISIE: Yes, yes I am.

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: Oh. OISIE: I have a...deadline. Publisher's notes. I have to...

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: Oh. I'll be quiet as a...you won't even know I'm here.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT delivers wine.

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: (cont'd) Oh, aren't you the sweetest.

Time.

OISIE: I think science. Only knows so much, because humans only know so much, because humans can only work so hard. They get tired, cranky. I keep picturing this scientist. Some man or woman, some genius scientist somewhere working on a drug that will cure my sister. It's late, but he's making headway, he feels the

answer is near. But he needs to eat. And he's willing to just have a Snickers bar or chips to tide him over except the vending machine won't take the only crumbled single he has. He has to dig for every coin he can find. And the scientist gets enough. Feeds the machine. The coins fall. He picks between the snickercarmelpeanuts and the coolranchDoritos. Pushes D2. The machine starts to push the chips forward and then it stops. The bag gets caught.

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: Oh, dear.

OISIE: Bang, bang, shake, slap, hurt hand. No chips, no taste. It's late. He has to go home. Pick up tomorrow.

Except the next day is not the same. And he doesn't remember exactly where he was and he never quite recaptures it. The cure stuck like his Doritos. My sister's cells...

FELLOW PASSENGER gives OISIE a pat.

OISIE: (cont'd) Sorry.

WOMAN - FELLOW PASSENGER: Will you do me a favor? Will you write down your name for me? I want to watch for when you book comes out.

OISIE: Spin Glass. It's a literary magazine. I'll write that down too. Spring issue.

-------------------------AT CHEMO LAUREN is led in by MALE NURSE. LAUREN: (To NURSE) She's coming. My sister from Back East. She'll be here soon. She'll be with me.

OISIE: (To Audience) At chemo, a nurse is inserting a needle in the new port-a-cath. They have to break through her skinThe MALE NURSE hesitates.

LAUREN: Do it.

MALE NURSE does it. It is excruciatingly painful. The NURSE leaves.

Time. They are together.

--------------------------At OFFICE LAUREN and OISIE arrive.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Saul had a stroke.

LAUREN: Is he conscious?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: He's unresponsive. I can go.

LAUREN: I want to see him.

OISIE: You want me to come?

LAUREN: Do you mind if I go?

OISIE: Take your time.

LAUREN: I'm really close to recovering his money. Not all of it, but enough to make a difference.

OISIE: If you want. I could go to Costco. Get what you need.

LAUREN: (Nodding okay) I'll be back.

LAUREN leaves. WEEPY ASSISTANT goes back to work.

OISIE: Would you like to come?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Me? OISIE: You don't have to.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: No, I can come.

--------------------------SHOPPING OISIE: (To Audience) Costco - one cart this time - We do Lauren's stockpiling. Forty-eight rolls of toilet paper. A case of Cheerios - Joe's cholesterol's up. Fruit roll-ups for the boys' lunches.

COSTCO WORKER offers samples.

MAN - COSTCO WORKER: Death by Chocolate?

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: (Mouthful) Delicious.

OISIE: (Crunching) Those are. Good.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I'll get the ketchup.

OISIE: Watch outWEEPY ASSISTANT handles the ketchup with aplomb.

Impressed, OISIE leads WEEPY to get coffee. WEEPY is, indeed, less weepy.

OISIE: (cont'd) People say “things happen for a reason.” They don't say if it's good or bad...just some sort of...”Because...”

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I guess things happen for a reason. I mean how else would they happen.

OISIE: But don't you think, it kind of... - lets us off the hook? As if what we do, our choices, don't affect anything. Like “There are no accidents.”

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: I've heard that. There are no accidents.

OISIE: Initial condition. Chaos theory.

WEEPY ASSISTANT has no idea what chaos theory is.

OISIE: (cont'd) It's... how a butterfly flapping its wings can cause a tornado a continent away. Newton sat under an apple tree. The fruit hit him. Everything mathematically fell into place. Now after centuries of scientific progress, we look around at the universe and conclude we don't get it. Which is probably why we think early detection is the best prevention. Because we won't stop flapping our wings. I won't.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: So like my mind used to be like what you're saying. Like a million butterflies flapping. There wasn't one thing I thought that I could think. But since I've been working for your sister. I watch her. And the phone's ringing, a client's on hold, she's asking me for the mail, scheduling an MRI, planFall 2014 Proscenium 27

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio ning a fund-raiser. And she's calm. You can almost see her thoughts like complete sentences, floating out of her brain. She imagines something and it's done. And I watch her do this, amazed, and when I first started if I forgot one thing or the fax machine was out of paper, my brain would start flapping. But now I can do it too. I can think a thought, and let it float and wait for the next one and let that float and remember an important piece of the first thought and link it up and still be ready for the next thought.

OISIE: Wow. I get that. That's good.

WOMAN - WEEPY ASSISTANT: Your sister...she's like my personal Oprah.

--------------------------TOGETHER AGAIN OISIE: (To Audience) It's now Year Three.

LAUREN: Fourteen Forty. Ready, Set, Go. OISIE: (To Audience) She's still here. There are new treatments. She is on them. She puts up with anything, everything, for more time.

LAUREN: Cancer keeps me very busy, but every day I also live my life. I love my life.

OISIE: (To Audience) In the spring, she whelps puppies.

In the summer, she kayaks. In the fall, she renovates the rental. In the winter --------------------------AT ONCOLOGIST MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: It's in your liver.

OISIE: Oh, God. LAUREN: I stopped by the beach coming back from hydration on my way to work and I sat. It was so beautiful.

OISIE: For three years, we've been in that roomful of manure.

LAUREN grabs some of OISIE's crumbled paper.

LAUREN: Scooping up the poop, tossing it back, giggling.

OISIE: Because we need to believe.

-------------------------AT HOME OISIE: (To Audience) She finds a Feng Shui expert who combs the house for hours. I go back to Barnes and Noble.

OISIE heads out as FENG SHUI makes her entrance.

WOMAN - FENG SHUI: Uh....

LAUREN: I'm not attached to anything.

WOMAN - FENG SHUI: Orange flowers. Here. Here.

And here.

LAUREN: I like orange.

WOMAN - FENG SHUI: And red.

LAUREN: Red. 28 Proscenium Fall 2014

WOMAN - FENG SHUI: Do not go in the dining room.

LAUREN: We can squeeze into the kitchen to eat.

FENG SHUI, horrified, moves LAUREN's bed.

WOMAN FENG SHUI: Your bed is in the death spot.

LAUREN: Now it blocks the bedroom door.

WOMAN - FENG SHUI: But it is in the direction of your nein yen.

LAUREN: Okay.

--------------------------BARNES AND NOBLE GEEKY REFERENCE GUY mans his station. OISIE rushes in.

OISIE: (To GEEKY REFERENCE GUY) What are those things called when time and space open up. When gravity bends space and time? The thing you can crawl through to go back in time.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: A wormhole?

OISIE: That's it.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: On your right past home decorating - the Theory of Everything.

OISIE: I need more of a how-to.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: For. Why? OISIE: So I can go back in time and fix it so my sister never gets cancer.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: Wormholes are kind of only really theoretical.

OISIE: I know.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: Right.

OISIE: I still want to try. To see if I can do it. I think I can. Anything is doable.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: For sure, yeah, right.

But like with wormholes. There's kind of a...paradox.

OISIE: Para- What... what kind of a paradox.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: Well...it's just...like even if you go back and kind of fix itOISIE: I'm not going to “kind of” fix it. I'm going to fix it fix it.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: Sure, well, yeah, but then, but then if you do and then you climb back through the wormhole to today your...well, ahOISIE: What?

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: She'd still...get it.

OISIE: No, she wouldn't. Not if I fixed it.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: No, see, that's the thing. Cause like if today she was okay. Your sister. You wouldn't need to go back in time.

OISIE: Well, yeah.

MAN - GEEKY REFERENCE GUY: But like...if... if you don't go back, then she still gets it...See? OISIE: I do. See.

--------------------------EAST WOMAN - PUBLISHER: Phone call.

OISIE: Eloisa.

WOMAN - PUBLISHER: Zoe. Spin Glass Press. I have notes.

OISIE: Ready.

WOMAN - PUBLISHER: Your piece really can be terrific.

OISIE: Thank you.

WOMAN - PUBLISHER: It's the first time we've ever taken on an unknown author. We believe in you.

OISIE: ThankWOMAN - PUBLISHER: Now get to work.

--------------------------OISIE finds BIG WRITER. OISIE: I have all these notes from Spin Glass.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Zoe has a very sharp eye. She's made Spin Glass a must read.

OISIE: She said they don't usually take unknowns.

MAN - BIG WRITER: Ever.

OISIE: My sister needs me.

MAN - BIG WRITER: There's only one thing you can do.

OISIE: Write?

MAN - BIG WRITER: Write.

OISIE: That's kind of...that's kind of...ridiculous, isn't it.

MAN - BIG WRITER: It's your life line.

--------------------------ON WAY TO CAR LAUREN now must support herself by banisters, poles, anything handy. ACQUAINTANCE sees her, eye brows elevate.

WOMAN - ACQUAINTANCE: (Speaking very loudly as if to a child) Lauren! You need help?

LAUREN: (Experienced with this treatment) I'm fine, thank you.

WOMAN - ACQUAINTANCE: I can help.

OISIE hurries up.

OISIE: I parked as close as I could.

WOMAN - ACQUAINTANCE: You helped me so much.

If I could help you back.

LAUREN: Thanks.

OISIE: Bye. What the hell?

LAUREN: Cancer. Makes people talk funny.

LAUREN remains leaning.

OISIE: Makes you walk funny, too.

LAUREN: I'm okay.

OISIE: (Starting to go) The doctor's office must have a wheelchair.

LAUREN: No. No wheelchair.

OISIE: How about a walker? Can I get you aLAUREN: No. OISIE: L. LAUREN: O. OISIE: You have to let me help you.

LAUREN: I'm going to be late for Little League.

OISIE: ...

LAUREN: Cane. You can get me a cane.

--------------------------AT OFFICE MAN - SAUL: Phone call.

LAUREN: It's Saul.

MAN - SAUL: Can you believe it?

LAUREN: He's dead.

MAN - SAUL: I'm dead.

SAUL gives LAUREN his cane. LAUREN sits at his funeral.

OISIE: (To Audience) My sister's the only one at the funeral. She always goes. Even if no one else is there. No one to see her. She shows up.

--------------------------AT CHEMO LAUREN greets BRENDA. OISIE stands removed.

LAUREN: How'd it go?

WOMAN - BRENDA: No smaller.

LAUREN: No? WOMAN - BRENDA: Not so much. What about you?

LAUREN: Well, my blood counts are good.

WOMAN - BRENDA: Mine too.

OISIE: (To Audience) Their immunity isn't deteriorating. Which is a good thing, but their cancers...

LAUREN: He can't take us all.

OISIE: (To Audience) God, I realize. She means God. If Lauren's right. If God can't take them All. Who gets to pick? God? Did the cancer already pick and we just don't know? Or you?

(Meaning Audience) Can you...pick? Can I ask?

(Grabbing BRENDA) Can I ask you to take her?

(Sheltering LAUREN) And not her?

RAIN. No. Love. I love.

I love you. I love you.

-------------------------TOGETHER AGAIN OISIE goes to work on her manuscript, finds LAUREN. OISIE: What are you doing up?

Fall 2014 Proscenium  29

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio LAUREN: The new liver protocol. Not so much with the sleeping. You? OISIE: Fractal alienation deadline.

LAUREN: When?

OISIE: End of the month.

LAUREN: Oisie, you shouldn't even be here.

OISIE: I want to be here. You and me.

That's what it...fractal alienation. It's how we keep losing each other and finding each other and losing each other and finding each other again.

LAUREN: But I always feel like. I always feel like I have you.

Beat.

OISIE: I'm running out of time. I don't know what to do.

LAUREN: Want a Laurenism?

OISIE: Yes, please.

LAUREN: Amend the goal.

OISIE: (To Audience) She was right. No more notes.

Spin Glass is happy.

--------------------------TOGETHER LAUREN: (With life) I'm not done.

OISIE: You need something?

LAUREN: Time.

OISIE: Treatment equals time.

LAUREN: The Big Boy furniture I ordered for Eli. Now it's not coming till the 10th. They keep delaying. Noah's new computer...something's not...He needs to download for high school homework.

OISIE: I'm here. I'm going to be here.

LAUREN: I keep having to say no. I don't want to say no when my sons ask me.

OISIE: Sometimes you have to. It's okay.

LAUREN: No. OISIE: I'll be here.

LAUREN: I was always afraid...I'd be a bad mother. My mother, what did I know about mothering?

OISIE: You did good with me. You saved me. You saved my life...

LAUREN: I don't want to do this to them.

OISIE: I know.

Time.

LAUREN: My business had its best year ever and there'll be extra income from the rental. The renovations are done, tenants are in. The life insurance money'll come in a lump. I need your business brain to help Joe. He'll be okay. Interest rates, you'll tell him.

-------------------------DRIVEWAY Sound of rain.

30 Proscenium Fall 2014

OISIE: (To Audience) She starts to use a walker.

LAUREN: This is so much better.

OISIE: It's raining.

LAUREN: You go in.

OISIE: I don't want you to slip.

LAUREN: I don't want you to get wet.

OISIE: The leaves.

LAUREN is supposed to take care of OISIE, not the other way around.

LAUREN: THE RAIN. GO IN! -------------------------DRIVEWAY OISIE: (To Audience) Now she needs a wheelchair.

(To LAUREN) You okay?

LAUREN: I'm great.

-------------------------AT ONCOLOGIST MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: There is no pony.

OISIE: What did you say?

MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: There is no more treatment.

LAUREN: None?

OISIE: How can that be so suddenly after all this time?

LAUREN: Isn't there anything else? Please give me something.

MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: For pain?

LAUREN: For time. I want more time.

MAN - DR. WROTE A BOOK: It is too late, you need to go home now, stay home.

LAUREN: I don't want to go home. I don't want to stay home.

OISIE pushes DR. WROTE A BOOK away from the immoveable LAUREN. LAUREN: (cont'd) Don't make me say it. I can't say. I can't say goodbye.

OISIE: L. L. L. You have to You have to Amend the goal.

LAUREN sinks.

--------------------------WITH AUDIENCE OISIE: (To Audience) “My sister had Stage Four breast cancer, but she's... she's...” not in the seat. The spotlight.

(Audience fully becomes her god) Take away my luck. Give me no success, no recognition. I want her. Only her.

(Remembering she's not supposed to ask.)

I'm asking. I'm asking.

OISIE may throw her manuscript in the air. If she does, pages fall around her as LAUREN rises with her full strength. She gathers the pages. OISIE watches, gives up, helps LAUREN help her. They re-assemble the manuscript. LAUREN hands it to OISIE who puts it down with care. If she doesn't throw her manuscript, LAUREN's voice draws her.

-------------------------TOGETHER LAUREN: No high school ball, for Noah, no major league career. What will it be? What will he find? High school he's hit his stride, asks me to check his work less, he has more confidence, more perspective, he gets anxious like you, you'll help him. Soon to-be-published author, you know, you've risen in stature. He has goals, 4 Oh. Things he wants to accomplish, he's so well rounded. Noah's okay.

I talked to Eli's teachers. They all had Noah such a different mechanism Eli feels his way through the world.

He wants the Big Boy furniture for his books, he reads so fast, and his designs. He's young, he's himself, he'll...

What will he do?

My. Joe. Those nineteen years sure flew. Flew. We made. Those boys. All those boys. We made and made and made. I'm going to get him that barbecue he's been eyeing. Probably be too busy to use it, but he'll have it.

Some substitute. All those first days. So many first days ahead. You'll take them shopping. When Joe's busy. If they need...

OISIE: They have me. I'm theirs.

LAUREN: I know.

Time.

LAUREN: (cont’d) I...would like to go to the Westminster Dog Show. I'd like to get my M.B.A. I want to read your literary magazine. I want to be mother of the groom. I want to get kissed again in the Jardin du Luxembourg...

--------------------------AT HOME Silence and then...

LAUREN: (Meaning everything she needs done for her family after she is gone and OISIE for herself) Will you?

OISIE: Yes, I will.

Time.

--------------------------TOGETHER OISIE: (To Audience) Remember the good old days when she was on a walker? In a wheelchair? Lucid?

Time.

LAUREN: I think I'd like to work on some protein nutrition.

OISIE: (To Audience) And with that last effort, she is gone. The faintest beat in her wrist and then nothing. I lie down beside her, my head on her arm.

--------------------------AT CEMETARY OISIE: (To Audience) We bury her body. Me and everyone who loves her.

People pour in. Flowers. The Rabbi goes to pin the memorial ribbon on my right.

OISIE moves his hand to her left, over her heart. Sound of dirt/pebbles falling on the coffin, softening as the coffin is gradually covered and dirt falls on dirt.

OISIE: (cont'd) I listen as MAN - RABBI: Yitbarachthe shovel digs into the v’yishtabach, v’yitpa’ar dirt and the dirt falls on v’yithadar v’yit’aleh her coffin. And I feel v’yit’halal sh’mei myself not believing d’kud’sha, b’rich hu... she's gone.

OISIE: Not knowing if I'll ever believe.

MAN - RABBI: Omein.

RABBI hugs OISIE. OISIE hugs WEEPY ASSISTANT. WEEPY and RABBI step away.

--------------------------ALONE OISIE: And now, now, now. Suddenly. For the first time.

I believe. In my gut...I know...she's gone.

Silence.

OISIE: (To Audience) Grief is like falling off a cliff into a deep lake. You fall quickly through the air, not knowing what is going to happen to you and then you hit the water and sink slowly under the weight, not knowing how long you'll stay down, but relieved too that there's a place to be away from life.

LAUREN appears. She removes OISIE's memorial ribbon.

(To LAUREN) It feels...like you're pushing me out of the water. All of a sudden...I feel buoyant. Like you're tossing me out.

You're showing me the body wants up, it has an instinct to survive.

Beat.

There is no pony.

LAUREN: I know that.

OISIE: So why are you smiling?

LAUREN: Because you are my sister.

Beat. Yes. Take time.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 31

Looking for the Pony Andrea Lepcio OISIE: Will you?

LAUREN: Yes, I will.

Time. LAUREN turns to Audience.

OISIE: I had a sister. My sister.

LAUREN: There once were two children who could see the bright side of any situation.

OISIE: And I still find her everywhere.

LAUREN leaves.

OISIE: (cont’d) Fourteen forty. Ready, set, go.

END OF PLAY

32 Proscenium Fall 2014

Black Coffee Green Tea

Damon Chua, Photo by Win Lubin About the playwright Damon Chua is a New York based playwright who won an Ovation Award for his noir drama “Film Chinois,” published by Samuel French.

His short play “Stuffed Grape Leaves” was picked as one of the Best 10-Minute Plays of 2009 and published by Smith & Kraus. Chua is a current member of The Public Theater Emerging Writers Group. Black Coffee Green Tea was produced by A-Squared Theatre Workshop in Chicago in 2013. The Chicago Theater Beat called it “hilarious.”

I think it is a combination that is uncommon. I also think it is needed. Through the juxtaposition of different ethnicities on stage, I hope not only to highlight stereotypical views we often harbor of one another, but also to challenge the audience on such thinking.

Of course, I also like to entertain, and Black Coffee Green Tea is clearly a comedy. I believe that if we can laugh about our differences, the more likely we are to see our similarities, and the quicker we will emerge into a post-racial world, where such labels are no longer necessary. I may be considered naïve and too optimistic about this matter, but hope springs eternal. That is why I write.

One of the challenges about writing this play is building up a stereotype and then tearing it down – there is only so much anyone can do in ten minutes, across four characters, while cleaving to a narrative that is compelling from start to finish. However successful I have been on this front, I am proud of this play, for its somewhat subversive transgressions wrapped in an easy-to-swallow candy patina.

I admire plays that are political without being preachy, cutting-edge without being self-conscious. I am currently working on a fulllength piece, incidentally titled “Optimism,” on how the social optimism of the 1960s morphed into the capitalistic optimism of the 1980s. Like Black Coffee Green Tea, it is ostensibly funny while dealing with serious issues at its core. I guess that is where I am as a playwright, and truth be told, it is not a bad place to be.

A statement from the playwright

I am a playwright of color and committed to creating opportunities for artists of all color. To that end, all my plays, full-length and the shorter ones, are ethnically diverse or are designed to allow for color-blind casting. Black Coffee Green Tea is no exception. The piece calls for four actors – three Asian and one black.

Black Coffee Green Tea is copyright © 2014 by Damon Chua.

All inquiries regarding rights shall be sent to info@prosceniumjournal.com and shall be forwarded to the playwright or their agent. Performances of Black Coffee Green Tea are subject to royalty, and are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries covered by the International Copyright Union. All rights, including professional and amateur productions, staged readings, television, motion picture, radio, translations, photocopies, and all other reproductions of this play are strictly reserved.

A conversation with the playwright

Fall 2014 Proscenium 33

Black Coffee Green Tea Damon Chua

Black Coffee Green Tea

By Damon Chua

Copyright 2014 Damon Chua

Cast of Characters

EMMIE (F/Asian/20s): Has a complicated relationship with her mom.

WILL (M/Black/20s): Ex-college jock. Calm and collected, mostly.

MITCH (M/Asian): Chatty, with a big personality.

IRIS (F/Asian/50s): Emmie's mom. Beautiful, imperious.

Location

An indie coffee place that tries to be more hip than it really is.

Lights. Emmie and Will sit at a small table, looking at a tiny menu. Bing. It's a text message. Emmie fishes out her cellphone from somewhere. She looks at it, texts back and prominently places the phone on the table.

EMMIE: You've never been here?

WILL: Nope.

EMMIE: Coffee's great. They roast it on the premise.

WILL: Cool. I'm more a tea drinker myself.

EMMIE: Really? What kind?

WILL: All kinds. Jasmine, Dragonwell, Tippy Oolong.

I buy them online.

EMMIE: You and my mom. She drinks pots of them.

WILL: Me too. Anti-oxidants.

EMMIE: That's what she says.

Mitch enters, a pen tucked behind his ear.

MITCH: So you guys know what you want?

(Before anyone could answer; to Will) You go to the gym on Main right? I part-time there as a massage therapist and if you're a member I can give you fifty off. My touch melts all aches, as they say.

(To Emmie) What can I get you?

EMMIE: Just coffee. The house blend.

MITCH: Sugar? Milk?

EMMIE: Black.

MITCH: You like 'em black, huh?

(Aside to her) Me too.

34 Proscenium Fall 2014

(Turns to Will) And you?

WILL: Tea. Green tea.

MITCH: With honey?

WILL: No just ... plain.

MITCH: Black coffee house blend and green tea plain no honey. Hmmmmmm!

Mitch exits. Will stares after him.

WILL: Strange dude.

(Turns to Emmie) So ... how long have you been EMMIE: On Match.com?

WILL: I was gonna ask you how long you've been single. You said on your profile EMMIE: Right. Right. Six months. Seven. No, Eight.

WILL: What happened? You don't mind me asking do you?

EMMIE: No. He's just ... you know ... a complete asshole.

WILL: So you turned to Match. Have you EMMIE: This is my first time.

WILL: Me too. And here we are.

EMMIE: And here we are.

This is going nowhere. Will begins to sweat a little.

WILL: So. Bing. A new text. Emmie looks at her phone. She texts back.

WILL: So. Bing. Another text. Emmie looks at her phone.

EMMIE: Sorry.

She texts back.

EMMIE: I should really turn off my phone but it's my mom.

Will looks at Emmie, expectant.

EMMIE: I made the big mistake of telling her about this.

WILL: This.

EMMIE: That I'm on a date.

WILL: (God no!) Right.

EMMIE: I even told her about Match.com. Now she thinks I'm going to be raped ... or worse.

WILL: How much worse?

EMMIE: (Realizes her mistake) Tell me about you.

WILL: Well. Things not on my profile -- I ate a whole habanero pepper once, bad idea -- can recite all fifty states alphabetically -- and ... I'm able to whistle Beethoven's Fifth.

EMMIE: Let's hear it.

WILL: Seriously?

EMMIE: I love Beethoven.

Will starts, falters.

From Left, Actor 1, Actor 2, and Actor 3 in Black Coffee Green Tea at [Theatre] From left: Benjamin Jenkins, Sunny Choi, and Bex Marsh in Black Coffee Green Tea, directed by Joe Yau for A-Squared Theatre Workshop’s My Asian Mom 2.0.1.3. Photo by Marivi Ortiz. Courtesy of A-Squared Theatre Workshop.

WILL: Can't do it when I'm nervous.

EMMIE: You're doing pretty good so far.

Will tries whistling again.

Will: I'm better in the shower.

EMMIE: (Hmmm) I bet.

Bing. A new text. Emmie looks at her phone.

EMMIE: Jeez.

She texts back.

EMMIE: I promised her ... it's a long story.

WILL: I have time.

(No response) C'mon.

EMMIE: Gosh. Well. I'm her little baby. There, I said it.

You can leave now if you want.

WILL: My mama calls me her lil'est one too.

Bing. A new text. Emmie looks at her phone.

WILL: (Getting a little irritated) Don't you think EMMIE: Sorry.

She texts back.

EMMIE: All right. That's it. Let's get back to the habanero. When? How?

WILL: It started with a bet. Fifty bucks.

EMMIE: I'd do it.

WILL: I was in bed for two days.

EMMIE: Still worth it.

WILL: Not really.

Bing. A new text.

EMMIE: I'm ignoring. See? WILL: I love spicy food though. Thai especially.

EMMIE: Have you been to Bistro Esarn? You must go.

I'll take you.

WILL: Anytime.

EMMIE: Northern Thai cuisine. THE best.

WILL: Sounds dee-lish.

Bing. A new text.

EMMIE: (Ignoring) I can do this.

Then Emmie's phone begins to ring.

WILL: Don't.

EMMIE: (Looks at caller ID) It's her.

WILL: Will power.

But Emmie caves in. She picks up the call.

EMMIE: Mom. I'm all right. It's just that ...

Fall 2014 Proscenium 35

Black Coffee Green Tea Damon Chua (Beat) He's ... nice.

(Beat) I said nice.

(Beat) Can you ask me that later?

(Beat) Please mom.

(Beat) I gotta go.

(Beat) I really gotta go.

She hangs up.

EMMIE: Sorry.

WILL: Shall we do this another time?

EMMIE: No. She's just, you know, curious.

WILL: About?

EMMIE: (Lying) Uh, everything.

Something occurs to Will.

WILL: Have you ever dated somebody who's ... like me?

EMMIE: Like you? But I don't know you ... yet.

WILL: What I mean is Emmie's phone rings again. She rejects the call.

WILL: Why don't you turn off the phone.

EMMIE: She'll kill me.

WILL: No she won't. Have you ever dated a Mitch enters with coffee and tea.

MITCH: Black coffee. Green tea plain no honey. Anything else?

Emmie's phone rings again.

EMMIE: This is the only way to stop her.

She answers.

MITCH: Oooh, showdown!

EMMIE: Yes, mom.

(Beat; exasperated) I realize that.

(To Will) Won't be long.

Emmie moves to a far corner. Meanwhile, Mitch offers Will a business card.

MITCH: I'm on call twenty-four seven.

EMMIE: I said nice.

(Beat) No. Not Asian.

(Beat) Can we not talk about that now?

(Beat) Because!

(Beat) I said because!

36 Proscenium Fall 2014

But Emmie is at breaking point.

EMMIE: Mom! (Explodes) All right, if you must know. He's black, okay? Black black black black BLACK!! Are you happy now?!

Will and Mitch look on, dumbfounded.

At that very moment, Emmie’s mom, IRIS, walks in. She is dressed to the nines.

Emmie almost has a heart attack.

EMMIE: How did you Iris holds up her phone.

IRIS: You checked into Foursquare.

Iris surveys the room with the air of an empress.

MITCH: (To Will) Run away now while you can. Look, my mom's Asian. Duh. You don't mess with them. With their sons, yes. No one else.

IRIS: (To Emmie; indicating Will) Is that him?

Without waiting for an answer, Iris walks right up to Will, extends her hand with her palm facing down.

IRIS: I'm Iris, Emmeline's mother. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?

Standing up, Will grasps Iris' hand, not sure if he should shake it or kiss it.

WILL: I'm Will. William.

IRIS: I have several questions for you.

EMMIE: Mom! WILL: (To Emmie) It's okay.

(To Iris) Before you begin. A few facts. I'm twenty seven. Grew up just outside of Cleveland. Went to Dartmouth, graduated summa cum laude. I work in investments, and I earn ... well, more than you can imagine. And I'm an expert in green tea.

IRIS: An expert? All right, where does the best Dragonwell tea come from?

WILL: The West Lake region of China.

IRIS: Spring or summer oolong?

WILL: That's a trick question. The best oolong is picked in late spring or early summer.

IRIS: Your favorite tea?

WILL: Monkey-pick Iron Goddess.

Iris nods and beckons Emmie to follow her. They move to somewhere near the cafe's entrance, out of Will’s earshot.

IRIS: Don't fuck this up.

With a super-friendly wave to Will, Iris exits. It is Emmie's turn to be dumbfounded.

EMMIE: (Returning to the table) How did you do that?

She's been pushing me to date Asian guys forever.

WILL: You don't go to the dragon's lair without your

sword.

MITCH: You must have a nice sword.

A glare from Emmie deflates Mitch immediately.

MITCH: Shut up Mitch.

(Aside to Emmie) Grab him or else I will.

Mitch exits.

EMMIE: What do you mean dragon's lair?

WILL: My ex is Korean. And her mom ... let's just say that when they hear Ivy League and finance and (He gestures “cash”) They shut up.

EMMIE: You just called my mom a dragon.

WILL: (Caught) It was a figure of speech.

EMMIE: And you think all Asian moms are only interested in money.

WILL: (Thinks it over) Can we start again? Please?

Emmie picks up her coffee and downs it in one breath.

WILL: I think your mom has given us her blessing.

EMMIE: I'll never live this down. Why are we so hung up about race?

WILL: Did you say hung?

(No response) My bad.

EMMIE: You really want to do this.

WILL: I do. More coffee?

EMMIE: (She thinks about it) Why not?

WILL: (Doesn't go there) No milk no sugar?

EMMIE: (She gets it) Yep. Black.

WILL: Let me.

Will exits with Emmie's cup.

Emmie looks on, smiles.

Black.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 37

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador

Kissing Che A conversation with the playwright

mel New Play Festival at the Phoenix Theater.

Recently, Augusto was named as a finalist for the prestigious 2013 Terrance McNally Award as well as being a finalist for the 2013 Clifford Odets Ensemble New Play Commission from the Lee Strasberg Theater & Film Institute.

Augusto recently has been named one of eight playwrights for the 2014 Latino Theater Alliance’s New Work Writers Circle.

What was your inspiration for this play?

I’m very obsessed with historical events and the impact on human lives that they exact, whether just or unjust. What caught my attention was that the persecution of homosexuals by the Castro regime was not very well known, at least by most Americans. So through my imagination, I found myself compelled in telling the stories of Augusto Federico Amador the persecuted. More obsessed than inspired I About the Playwright guess you could say. And in Kissing Che, one of Augusto was a playwriting fellow with the the perspectives was through Reina, a fictional 2010/2011 Emerging Writers Group at the es- Cuban female impersonator. teemed Public Theater in New York. In addition to the Public Theater’s Spotlight Series, What do you want the audience to come his plays have also been presented at The Lark away with?

Play Development Center, Terra Nova Col- I want the audience to experience what Reina lective’s Groundbreaking Series, Repertorio and Tamika experienced -- the guilt, the shame Espanol, Red Room, Queens Theater in The and finally the redemption. As the poet Rilke Park, and INTAR Theater. In Los Angeles, they would say, “To begin is violent.” And that is have been presented at the Celebration The- particularly true of these two. atre, Audrey-Skirball Kenis Theater Projects, Playwrights Arena, The Blank Theater, Ricar- What was the most challenging part of do Montalban Theater, Imagined Life Theater, writing this play?

John Anson Ford Theater and the Inkubator Well, I’m not gay, nor have I have I ever been a new play reading series at the Skylight Theater. drag queen. So, it was important to allow these Augusto has also participated in playwright people to talk as human beings and not get residency at the Arkansas Repertory Theater caught up in perceptions. And once I allowed in Little Rock, Ark. His plays have been final- my imagination to roam -- that is let Reina, Taists or semi-finalists for the Eugene O’Neill mika, Mirabella and Derek just speak to each Conference, Sundance Theater Lab, INTAR other as people -- I knew I could start writing Playwright’s Lab, The Metlife National Lati- their stories. no Playwriting Award, Bay Area Playwrights Foundation, Kitchen Dog Theater and the Hor- Why did you start writing plays?

38 Proscenium Fall 2014

It’s safe to say that one could label me as a lon- What advice do you have for playwrights er. Solitude has for the most part come easy to starting out? me. And well, writing requires solitude, so it’s Love your solitude. been a good fit.

Is there anything else you would like to What projects are you working on now? add?

I just finished a play called the Book of Leo- Yes, special thanks to my family, director Vicnidas which centers around a small time Do- tor Maog, the Latino Theater Alliance, the Pubminican-American hustler selling loosies on a lic Theater and my past mentor Diana Castle. block in Queens that his deceased and legend- As she says, “The work informs your life.” ary crime lord father used to rule over in the 1970s. It’s a play that asks if it’s possible for a son to escape the sins of the father.

And I’ve begun a new play about a young prison caretaker working in a hospice in San Quentin taking care of the dying inmates while struggling to come to terms with his accepting the consequences of his guilt. Redemption ain’t an easy road.

Kissing Che is copyright © 2014 by Augusto Frederco Amador. All inquiries regarding rights shall be sent to info@ prosceniumjournal.com and shall be forwarded to the playwright or their agent. Performances of Kissing Che are subject to royalty, and are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries covered by the International Copyright Union. All rights, including professional and amateur productions, staged readings, television, motion picture, radio, translations, photocopies, and all other reproductions of this play are strictly reserved.

Introducing...

Proscenium

Young Playwrights

What’s Your Story?

Are you a playwright in middle school, high school, or college? Would you like to have you play published in the Proscenium Journal alongside an exclusive interview? Submit to Proscenium Journal’s inaugural Young Playwrights Competition! To submit, simply send your play as both a PDF and Word file to submissions@prosceniumjournal.com with the subject “Young Playwrights Submission.” Please also send us a 100 word author bio, information about production history (if applicable), and state your age and the school you attend. We look forward to reading your submissions!

Fall 2014 Proscenium 39

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador

Kissing Che

By Augusto Federico Amador Copyright 2014 Augusto Frederico Amador

ACT ONE Scene One

(Spotlight on a gorgeous Cuban Woman in her early twenties. She is dressed as a 1950's Havana show-girl and alluringly sings the Cuban love ballad, “Besume Mucho”.

The SPOTLIGHT WIDENS to REVEAL that she is singing to a MAN dressed in green army fatigues and wearing a beret seated in a chair with his BACK to the audience. Though we can't see the details of his face, we notice that he has a long unkempt beard.

The Cuban Woman shifts her hips seductively, teasing the man ever so closely. She leans into him, her lips inches from his.

He reaches out his hand and just as he's about to caress her-SPOTLIGHT to BLACK.)

Scene Two

(1984, Miami, Fla. It's been four years since the Mariel Boatlift from Cuba. “Careless Whisper” by Wham! was a hit song. “The Cosby Show” was the highest rated show on TV. Nuclear annihilation appeared to be on the horizon. “It's morning in America”: It's the time for voting for Ronald Reagan and bumping lines of cocaine.

LIGHTS UP on a plainly furnished but immaculate living room of the Ponce De Leon Convalescent Home.

On a small TV, President Reagan's inaugural speech is heard.

REINA, 60, who speaks with a Cuban accent and has a very flamboyant and dramatic flair, sits at a TV dinner table, in front of a plate of liver. He stares at it with a severe grimace.

Finally, he picks up a knife and fork and cuts into it. He lifts the piece of liver to his mouth. But his hands shake so much, that the liver falls off the fork and back onto the plate.

REINA: (muttering) Puta madre...

It takes him a few moments before he can regain his composure. Beginning again, and with great concentration he stabs the fork into the piece of liver loudly.

Methodically, he raises it to his mouth and shoves it in...

40 Proscenium Fall 2014

The metallic taste causes his face to sour. His jaws clench tight. He tries to swallow but his gag reflex is too much and he spits the liver out with a fury.

Suddenly, he swipes the plate of liver off the table and it crashes loudly onto the floor.

Offstage we hear loud concerned voices.

A moment later, the HEAD NURSE enters. She is a blonde woman and speaks with a slight Floridian drawl.

HEAD NURSE: (loud and fed up) Now what is all the fuss in here about?!

(She looks around to see the mess on the floor. She turns an angry eye to Reina who ignores her presence.)

HEAD NURSE: (shutting off the TV) Explain yourself, Mr. Dominguez?

(Reina doesn't respond.)

HEAD NURSE: Don't make me ask again.

REINA: (with soft disgust) Yo no quiero higado.

HEAD NURSE: (folding her arms) In Miami, we speak English, Mr. Dominguez?

REINA: (loudly protesting) I don't like liver. The taste of blood reminds of that cabron, Castro!

HEAD NURSE: We serve you liver for a reason.

(Reina gets up.)

REINA: No lo quiero. This food isn't fit for a peasant.

(He begins to walk off.)

HEAD NURSE: Don't you turn your back on me!

REINA: (fighting) It was not supposed to end here. No aqui!... (dreamy; dramatic) It was supposed to end differently. Gloriosamente. In a villa, on the coast in Ibiza. Or in a mansion in Beverly Hills with a large swimming pool filled with beautiful cabana boys...

HEAD NURSE: (cold) You done?

REINA: (dissing) With you? Si. (He begins to limp off.)

HEAD NURSE: Where do you think you're hobbling off to? I'm not finished with you, Mr. Dominguez!

(Reina ignores her.)

HEAD NURSE: Mr. Dominguez?!

REINA: (stopping and turning around) First of all, mamita...

Please address me as, “Reina” or “Mi Angel de las rosas”. “Ms. Dominguez” if you must!

HEAD NURSE: (final) Mister Dominguez!

REINA: And second of all, darling: I don't hobble. I sashay.

HEAD NURSE: I swear, if I hear just one more complaint fromREINA: (dramatically indignant) Oh, please! They have

been touching me with their eyes for months. Ravaging me really. I should be the one complaining!

HEAD NURSE: Stop molesting the male nurses!

REINA: Jesus, I'd have better luck trying to teach a goat how to do the Conga than for anyone to listen to what I have toHEAD NURSE: This is your last warning, you hear?

The next time, your backside will be huggin' the pavement. We clear?

REINA: Ay, you are such a drama queen.

HEAD NURSE: Well, you finally got something right! I am the queen! (pointing a finger at him) The last time, hear?

REINA: (submissive) I'll be a good girl.

(TAMIKA enters.)

TAMIKA: (relieved) Oh, there you are.

HEAD NURSE: Where have you been?

TAMIKA: With Mrs. Wilkins.

HEAD NURSE: And? TAMIKA: She won't eat. She hasn't eaten all day.

HEAD NURSE: (sigh of exasperation) Fine. Just tell herTAMIKA: Yes maam. I told her like you told me to, that St. Francis don't like a quitter, but she says she don't care what he thinks, on account of that she's not a Catholic no more.

HEAD NURSE: Shoot, I swear that woman changes religions more times than I change my panties. Okay. I'll handle Mrs. Wilkins. In the meantime you can make yourself familiar with mister Dominguez.

(The Head Nurse exits. Silence.)

TAMIKA: Hi, I'mREINA: You're new here.

TAMIKA: It shows that bad, huh?

(Tamika cleans up the broken plate and liver.)

TAMIKA: Goodness. It's like a hurricane passed through here.

(Beat.)

REINA: (sniffing at the air) The smell of this place...I don't know how you get used to it.

TAMIKA: It's not so terrible, really.

REINA: During the revolucion. I smelled death. But in here, it smells like bread that is slowly becoming moldy...

TAMIKA: Huh? To me this place smells more like Pinesol.

REINA: In here, mami...Death is turning me into a hustler. Hustling a man is one thing. But to hustle God? (shaking his head)

Cono...Always trying to hustle God for another jodido second, another jodido minute, another jodido hour, another jodido day, jodido week, jodido month. Another (he exhales deeply) But if a hustler is good? Really good, tu sabes? God will give him immortality...Do you believe that?

TAMIKA: No. REINA: (playfully) Mierda, neither do I. But every girl has got to have a dream.

TAMIKA: (amused) Well I suppose so. I suppose so...

(She goes to straighten up the rest of the room. Reina studies her.)

REINA: Do you have an esposo?

TAMIKA: A what?

REINA: Are you married?

TAMIKA: Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

REINA: It's good to have a big strong man to hold you in his arms, no?

TAMIKA: (amused) Can't argue with you there.

REINA: Is it a fairy tale marriage?

TAMIKA: Fairy tale?

REINA: Are you living happily ever after?

TAMIKA: (friendly) Boy, you sure ask a lot of questions?

REINA: (proud) I like to know who's taking care of me.

TAMIKA: Well, I guess that makes sense.

REINA: Sabes, I just realized that you never introduced yourself to me.

TAMIKA: I'm Tamika.

REINA: (easy sarcasm) Tamika? Sounds like a dessert, no? Tapioca. Tamika. Tamika. Tapioca.

TAMIKA: I was named after my great grandmother.

REINA: And so do you have any little Tamika's or Tamiko's at home to suckle from your breasts?

TAMIKA: (embarrassed) I'm sorry?

REINA: (looking her over) Si, si, si. You have good, big hips. A Cubana's hips. Good hips for spitting out the ninos.

TAMIKA: (going back to cleaning) Well, I don't have any.

REINA: Mi mama(making the sign of the cross) -may that gran puta still be burning in hell, told me that I could never be a real woman, nunca! Because, “A woman is only a woman, when she knows what its like to have a fetus punching around inside her big, fat belly.”...

TAMIKA: (trying to change the subject) So, so do you like it here?

REINA: (ignoring her) Claro que no, I could never bear Fall 2014 Proscenium 41

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador children, myself. For you see, my womb?TAMIKA: (nervously ignoring him) Because I think this is a very nice placeREINA: -Has turned into a tomb. Or is it your womb that has turned into a tomb?

TAMIKA: (shocked) What did you say?

REINA: (unrelenting) Or does your husband's hands turn to stone every time he tries to touch you?

TAMIKA: (bothered) I don't believe that's any of your business.

REINA: (sadly shaking her head) Oh, I know, mija. Yo se...yo se, what happens to the woman when her husband no longer wants to make the fuki-fuki with her.

TAMIKA: (taken aback) Excuse me?

REINA: Does she become a tortillera?

A lesbian?

TAMIKA: You don't- You don't have no right to talk to me like this.

REINA: Does she find a new man? Or even better, does she become religious and fall in love with Jesus? Desiring only to wash men's feet...

TAMIKA: (upset) Why are you saying this? Why? REINA: Because isn't it obvious, mija? (beat; dramatic) I was one such woman!

(Tamika and Reina stare at each other. Tears stream down Tamika's face. The Head Nurse re-enters.)

HEAD NURSE: (oblivious) Well, it's official: Mrs. Wilkins is now a Protestant. (noticing Tamika) What's wrong with you?

TAMIKA: (wiping away her tears) Oh, it's nothing.

HEAD NURSE: (turning angrily to Reina) You! REINA: (innocently) Who? Me? HEAD NURSE: Yeah, I'm talking to you Chiquita Banana. (gestures to Tamika) He responsible for this?

TAMIKA: It's nothing.

HEAD NURSE: (glaring at Reina) Nothing, huh?... (to Tamika; angry) Baggage?

TAMIKA: I'm sorry?

HEAD NURSE: Baggage? Do you have any? (clarifying) Emotional problems, girl?

TAMIKA: (off-guard) Oh no, ma'am.

HEAD NURSE: You sure now?

TAMIKA: Yes, ma'am.

HEAD NURSE: 'Cause I ain't got no time to baby sit any 42 Proscenium Fall 2014

nurses now.

TAMIKA: It won't happen again.

HEAD NURSE: Good. Now follow me.

(The Head Nurse leads Tamika offstage. Tamika glances back to see Reina staring at her.)

Scene Three

Time: 1964 Place: Havana, Cuba (Reina, 30 years old, sits at a table. His face is bruised and bloodied. He wears an expensive red evening gown that is torn and dirtied. Note that the same actor will be portraying the role of the younger Reina.

A CUBAN OFFICER, early 50's, stands opposite of him. He wipes the sweat from his moustache with a handkerchief as he glares at Reina.

He leans over the table and slides a blank piece of paper and pen to him.)

REINA: What are you expecting me to do with this?

OFFICER: Alleviate your guilt with it.

REINA: Of what guilt are you professing that I have?

OFFICER: Write down exactly where and who you have been associating yourself with. And the revolucion will decide what crimes you are guilty of.

(The officer steps to the side of Reina.)

OFFICER: You have been charged with, “Public flaunting of your homosexual condition”. How do you explain that?

REINA: I was just being myself?

(Silence. The officer leans in close.)

OFFICER: You're shivering.

REINA: (dramatically) Oh you know, how a man in uniform can have an affect on a woman?

OFFICER: I have studied many of you maricones very well. Your vices? Your immorality? I mean, in the end, you are all imperialists. Corruptores. Claro. But it is you travestidos that intrigue me the most. Your identity lost somewhere between chico and chica...Ah, pobracita...

(He slides his hand along Reina's cheek.)

OFFICER: ...I would guess correctly, that you are the, “taker”? Si? REINA: (fanning himself) That is not the language one should use around a lady.

OFFICER: (backing off; amused) Una mujer, are you?

REINA: Claro. I am just not at my best right now.

(The officer grins, he goes into a sack and pulls out a blonde wig.)

OFFICER: I believe this is what you meant, no?

(The officer laughs and tosses it to Reina.)

OFFICER: What are you waiting for? Put it on. Allow me to witness this transformación?

(Reina smiles nervously.)

REINA: Whatever you wish, corazon.

(Reina turns his back to the audience as he adjusts the wig. Finished, he turns around.)

OFFICER: (studying)Que linda?...And as simple as that, you are a woman. Maravillosa...

(The Officer steps to Reina.)

REINA: Call me...”Reina”.

(The Officer violently grabs the back of Reina's head and slams it down on the table holding him there. Still in his female persona, Reina, pleads with him.)

REINA: Esperete, corazon! There are other ways of doing this. There are other waysOFFICER: (putting his finger across Reina's lips) Ssshhhhhhh!...

(Beat; With his free hand the Officer unzips his pants.)

OFFICER: Call me, mi papito...

(Lights slowly to black.)

Scene Four

(We hear the sounds of a TV sitcom playing. DEREK, Tamika's husband, an African-American man, 50's, sits on the couch, his eyes glued to the TV which is represented by a simple wooden frame. He is the everyday man, numbed by an everyday work week.)

TAMIKA: (Offstage, calling out) Hey baby?!

(He belts out a laugh at the TV.) DEREK: (calling off) Yeah, in here!

(He lights up a weed pipe. Derek chuckles at the TV. She enters. They kiss each other.)

DEREK: So, how's the job?

TAMIKA: Hard. Then again, what else was I expecting, right?

DEREK: Well, I'm not saying we couldn't use the extra money, babyTAMIKA: I'm not quitting.

DEREK: Wasn't saying you should.

TAMIKA: You inferred it.

DEREK: (RE: “inferred”) Guess I know I stepped in it when you start using the “big words”.

TAMIKA: Let's not start this evening off arguing.

DEREK: We're not arguing.

TAMIKA: (avoiding) Okay.

(Tense moment. Derek goes back to watch TV. Tamika sits down on the couch and takes off her shoes.)

TAMIKA: Geez am I beat...

DEREK: (beat; warming up) Want me to rub your

shoulders?

TAMIKA: It's my feet that's really killing me.

DEREK: (playfully declining) I don't do feet. And I don't do windows.

TAMIKA: Please?

DEREK: (warmly) Alright. Anything for my hardworking baby.

(She leans back on the couch and he starts to massage her feet.)

TAMIKA: (easy) Ouch, not so hard.

DEREK: Sorry. It's been awhile.

(Rubbing.)

TAMIKA: A little more gentle.

DEREK: Alright, alright. I'm just gettin' warmed up.

TAMIKA: Get into the arches some more.

(Derek massages her arches.)

DEREK: (proud) Now I got it. Bet you're feeling you're in heaven right about now, right?

TAMIKA: (bearing it) Not what I'd call it.

DEREK: You kiddin? You used to melt like margarine when I'd rub your feet.

TAMIKA: Well it's-ouch!

DEREK: Just relax into it.

(He tries again. It's not working. She pulls her feet away and sits up.)

TAMIKA: Actually, I'm feeling much better.

DEREK: Come on, now? Let me have another shot?

TAMIKA: (gracious) I'm fine. Thanks though.

DEREK: (indignant) Alright.

(He goes back to the TV, lighting up his weed.)

DEREK: Oh hey?...got word that Sean and his woman are splittin' up.

TAMIKA: (stunned) They're getting divorced?

DEREK: What's his woman's name again?

TAMIKA: (astonished) ...Lorraine.

DEREK: Yeah, that's her.

DEREK: (shaking his head) Moved to California. Never could understand why you both was such good friends, no how.

TAMIKA: How you hear about it?

DEREK: Cousin Eddie...I gotta say...she was one fine lookin', woman...Too fine lookin for his ass, anyway.

TAMIKA: (softly) You thought she was beautiful?

DEREK: Probably, got tired of all his Muslim speechifying. Mohammed this and Farrakhan that. No pork.

No bourbon. No wonder she took it on the arches?

TAMIKA: They were together for ten years....

DEREK: You ever keep in touch with her?

TAMIKA: (shaking her head) ...No. DEREK: (Cont'd) Ain't no wonder why she left him.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 43

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador

From left: Obie winner Saidah Arrika Ekulona as Tamika and Michael Shepard as Derek in Kissing Che at the Celebration Theater in Los Angeles. Directed by Victor Maog. Photo by Stephen Albanese.

Ain't that right baby?...

TAMIKA: (staring off) No...Ain't no wonder at all...

Scene Five

(Lights up on the convalescent home. Tamika tends to a sleeping invalid in a wheelchair. Reina sits on the couch pretending to read a magazine.)

TAMIKA: (to invalid) Must be having real good dreams when you sleep so much eh, Mr. Porcher?

REINA: He can't hear you, tu sabes? You might as well be talking to a mummy.

TAMIKA: (to Reina) I don't believe you've been invited into our conversation.

REINA: Fine! And just in case you were wondering I'm not interested in being friends either.

TAMIKA: (to invalid) Friends? Did you hear that Mr. Porcher? I don't think Mr. Dominguez even has any of those?

REINA: I have muchos amigos. Muchos y muchos amigos!

TAMIKA: (to invalid; rubbing it in) I bet you have more friends than him? Don't you Mr. Porcher?

44 Proscenium Fall 2014

REINA: Honey, you'd have to go back to the time of the Pharaohs to find his last living amigo.

TAMIKA: You really dislike the other patients, don't you?

REINA: They have a word for them. It's called “ugly.” (wagging his finger) And I no like the uglies, mija. No senorita. No feas for me.

TAMIKA: Everybody's 'fraid of bein' forgotten, Mr. Dominguez.

REINA: (very prideful) I'll never be forgotten. Nunca, nunca.

TAMIKA: Unforgettable? That's what you are, huh?

REINA: Famosa! I used to be muy famosa!

TAMIKA: 'Scuse me?

REINA: I was famous, darling.

TAMIKA: (skeptical) Uh-huh.

(She crosses the room.)

REINA: What that primitive noise suppose to mean?

TAMIKA: (w/attitude) “Uh-huh” means “Uh-huh”.

(Reina suddenly moans in pain. Tamika goes to attend him.)

TAMIKA: Are you okay?

(Reina shakes his head defiantly.)

REINA: I'm fine.

TAMIKA: Not from where I'm standing REINA: I said I'm fine!

(Tamika notices Reina hasn't taken his medication that sits at the table.)

TAMIKA: I see you haven't been taking your meds?

REINA: (Cont’d) You know what I miss most about not being sick? Suenos...

(Tamika ignores him and attends to her patient.)

REINA: Cubanos are great dreamers. The trick is, no letting Castro find out what you dream about. (lost in his thoughts) My grandfather...Teofilo, the great moreno singer of Guajira music and the favorite son of Chango used to say, “it's our African blood chasing around in our heads that makes us dream so much.”

TAMIKA: And why's that?

REINA: You never rest until you go back to the way it was. (beat) I don't dream so much no more.

TAMIKA: Come to think of it...Neither do I...

(Silence.)

REINA: About the other day?

TAMIKA: I don't want to talk about it.

REINA: I'm sorry, Tamika. I no mean any of it!

TAMIKA: (curt) I said forget it.

REINA: I can be such a ferocious kitty-cat sometimes.

Let's make, how do you gringos say? A “fresh beginning?”

TAMIKA: (aside) Fresh start? (cold shoulder) I don't think that's possible.

REINA: I can be a loyal friend. Please forgive me?

TAMIKA: I don't know if that's possible.

REINA: Of course you can, mija. Is that no what your church teaches?

TAMIKA: Shoot. I don't think even Jesus has enough Jesus in him to forgive what you said to me.

REINA: I promise I'll be the kindest friend you ever had...Cross my breasts and hope to die.

TAMIKA: Why would I want to be friends with you?

REINA: Us girls have to stick together.

TAMIKA: (dismissing) We do, huh?

REINA: I'll even protect you from that mean nurse!

(Silence. Tamika suddenly looks around and then leans into Reina as if confessing a secret.)

TAMIKA: She is kinda mean, don't you think?

REINA: (crossing herself) Like the el diablo himself.

(They both share a light moment.)

TAMIKA: (beat) Alright, I'll think about it.

(Reina falls over herself in appreciation.)

REINA: Really?! Oh, gracias, corazon! Gracias! You no regret it!

TAMIKA: (charmed) I said I'll think about it, Reina!

(A handsome MALE NURSE enters. Reina is instantly taken with the Male Nurse and never takes his eyes off him.

Tamika notices that Reina's eyes are drunk with lust.

TAMIKA: What are you doing?

The Male Nurse pushes the other patient out of the room and exits. Reina watches after him.)

REINA: (beat) Abelando used to come into my aunt's bar in the evenings...so many hard muscles from working all those days in the fields. He would stare at her with those eyes. Those ojos hermosos...I was only eight years old but I could already see that she was the one responsible for the bulge that was happening in his pants...I would stand next to him with the smell of his African sweat...mixed with the dirt from the fields, his rum soaked breathe from his beautiful mouth...

TAMIKA: Lust is a sin.

REINA: But that's what makes it feel so good, corazon!

TAMIKA: It goes against God, if you ask me?

REINA: (toying with her) Tell me, Tamika?...Does my maricon ways bother you?

TAMIKA: I don't have a problem with you being gay. If that's what you're asking?

REINA: Claro que, si! What's not to like?

TAMIKA: We all make our choices in this life.

REINA: You think I'm going to hell don't you?

TAMIKA: It's not what I think that counts.

REINA: Ah... (pointing upwards) You meaning the big jefe up in the clouds?

TAMIKA: It's all in the scripture. Clear as daylight.

REINA: Ay! Sounds like your god has a big stick up his culo?!

TAMIKA: (shocked) Excuse me?

REINA: I no mean in a good way, either!

TAMIKA: Okay, this conversation is over.

REINA: What I say?

TAMIKA: You know exactly what!

REINA: Lo siento, mi amor. I was just moving your funny bone.

TAMIKA: Don't be fooling around about my Lord, you hear?

REINA: Si, si, I hear, I hear. Tell you what? I'll make it Fall 2014 Proscenium 45

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador up to you by sharing some gossip.

TAMIKA: Not interested.

REINA: Are you sure? It's very caliente.

TAMIKA: It is, huh?

REINA: Did you know that here is a celebrity gracing this mausoleum?

TAMIKA: (intrigued) A celebrity? I knew Mr. Greene from room 15C was in the Lone Ranger once but I never knewREINA: I was talking about me!

(Sauntering the stage) REINA: Night after night, men threw lust and roses at my feet...I was Cuba's last famous drag queen!

(Moving around the room like a seductress.)

REINA: (Cont'd)...When I was on that stage? Dressed in my silk stockings that showed off my statuesque legs...A brassiere that cupped my ample breasts... (tracing his finger down his thigh) A dress slit down the side allowing for a peek at the black garter belt hugging my thigh...Ruby red lipstick that brought out the fullness of my lips. And finally, I wore a variety of wigs: Straight, jet black hair if they had a thirst for the erotic, far east. Curly, blonde if they were in the mood for something more...American. (beat) When I was on that stage, they all wanted me: Judges, doctors, millionaires and garbage men. The sane and the insane. Married men?

Especially...All I had to do was open the door and they came stampeding in through like cattle. (beat) I turned Kings into Queens.

And they begged me for it! They adored me for it!

(Reina sits down exhausted. He wipes the sweat off his face.)

REINA: What I miss most were the stares of men...Men, whom if you would prick, would bleed semen...

TAMIKA: (taken in) Oh my...

REINA: (suddenly very inspired) Bueno! Enough talking!

(Walking excitedly around the room.)

REINA: In case you want to bring the romance back into your marriage? Have some foreplay before the foreplay? Or even if you want another man to desire you? Lesson numero uno: Know how to move your nalgas.

TAMIKA: Beg your pardon?

REINA: Your culo! Your ass! Cono! Don't you no speak English?

(Reina steps over to a radio and turns it on. He quickly 46 Proscenium Fall 2014

dials through different channels, stopping at the sounds of salsa music.)

REINA: Si, that's the shit, baby.

(Reina does a continuous dance move. He moves and shakes like a pro.)

TAMIKA: (amazed) Lord, what are you doing?

REINA: Living, baby. Living...Now your turn.

TAMIKA: No way, Jose. My body don't move like that.

REINA: (still moving) Desire starts with the hips. Mira, it's always easy for a naturally beautiful woman to seduce a man. Why? Because beauty is for men without imagination. But?...But if you can make a man imagine?!... Aye! He will eat from a dog's bowl if you told him to. Now try.

TAMIKA: I don't want to have men eat from a dog's bowl!

REINA: (pulling her to him) I said, try! Shake your peso maker!

(Tamika takes a clumsy try at a dance move.)

REINA: Baby? This ain't the Hula-Hoop.

TAMIKA: See, I told you. I just ain'tREINA: Put your nalgas into it. Like this...And then like that...

(He dances, she follows, getting a bit better. Finally, she finally starts to get the hang of it.)

REINA: (clapping loudly) You got it, baby! Fuerte!

Fuerte!

(The salsa music's rhythm starts to hit stride!)

TAMIKA: I'm doing it!

(They keep dancing faster and faster as the music tempo is really cooking. Suddenly, Reina is hit with a coughing attack. She eases him back onto the couch and shuts off the radio.)

TAMIKA: Enough for you, Reina of the rhumba.

REINA: (resisting) Cono. I'm going to bring out the inner diva in you, even if it kills me.

(He coughs some more.)

TAMIKA: Sit, Reina.

(Reina lets Tamika help him to a chair.)

REINA: No worry. A little morphine and I'll be as good as a Spring chicken.

TAMIKA: You outta your mind.

REINA: Or maybe some cocana. But only just a little.

TAMIKA: -And your senses.

REINA: Dios mio. What I wouldn't do for some rum.

Good Cubano rum...

TAMIKA: (spirit soaring) God, that was great! It made me feel so...soREINA: Desirable?

HEAD NURSE: (Offstage) Tamika?! Tamika?!

stops and turns to see Derek watching TV. Suddenly anTAMIKA: (anxious) Oh, shoot, it's my boss. gered, she steps to him, grabs the remote and turns off HEAD NURSE: (Offstage) Tamika?!

TAMIKA: And it sounds like she's in gangsta mode. the TV.) DEREK: What you do that for?

We'll talk later.

TAMIKA: I wanna talk.

(Tamika rushes off stage in a panic.)

DEREK: I was watching TV. TAMIKA: I want to talk about James.

Scene Six (The lights come up on Tamika's living room. Derek (Surprised, Derek remains quiet.)

DEREK: You what? sleeps soundly on the couch as the TV blares loudly.

Tamika enters wearing a bathrobe and carrying a por- TAMIKA: You married me. table cassette player. She sets it down and turns off the DEREK: Yes, I married you. We got married.

TAMIKA: Because it was the right thing to do.

TV.) DEREK: That's right.

TAMIKA: (gently shaking Derek) Baby? Baby?

TAMIKA: Because it was the responsible thing to do.

DEREK: (groggy) Damn. What time is it?

DEREK: Yes, we did the responsible thing...

TAMIKA: Nine-thirty.

TAMIKA: Because you loved me?

DEREK: Tsk. Then what you wakin me up for, baby?

DEREK: We did what good Christian people should do.

(He grabs the remote and turns the TV back on.)

TAMIKA: (shyly) I thought...maybe you might be more TAMIKA: We loved each other.

(He gets up and walks away.) comfortable, you know...in bed?

DEREK: Why you rehashing all this now?

DEREK: Shoot, Tamika(Tamika opens her robe and awkwardly lets it drop to TAMIKA: 'Cause sometimes life needs to be rehashed.

DEREK: (avoiding) We already talked this out a long the floor, revealing a sexy negligee.)

DEREK: (beat) Ah, I'm too tired for that, baby. I'm sor- time ago.

TAMIKA: I need to be reminded. ry. It's been a helluva day...

DEREK: It ain't nobody's fault what happened.

(He fires up his pipe.)

TAMIKA: Remember what you said after I had the hysDEREK: A helluva day...

(She hits play on the portable cassette player and the terectomy?

(Derek doesn't respond.) song, “Besame Mucho” starts playing.)

TAMIKA: You said, “I guess we ain't very lucky.”

DEREK: (RE: music) What in the hell is that?

DEREK: I also told you it don't matter to me.

TAMIKA: (swaying) Mood music.

TAMIKA: Tell me that again, Derek?

DEREK: Why you movin around funny like that?

DEREK: What's the point of asking these questions, TAMIKA: (sensually) Like what, baby?

DEREK: You gonna get sea sick rocking side to side like anyhow?!

TAMIKA: I haveta know. that.

(She seductively waves him over with her index finger.) DEREK: Now?! Now you gotta an itch to know?

TAMIKA: I gotta hear it from you that you woulda marTAMIKA: Come here, big boy.

(Derek steps over to the cassette player and shuts it off.) ried me, pregnant or not?

DEREK: All this Monday morning quarterbacking!

TAMIKA: (hurt) What you do that for?

TAMIKA: I can't-I can't keep going through this routine.

(He plops back onto the couch.)

DEREK: Baby, I told you before, I'm tired. I worked DEREK: What routine?

TAMIKA: This. This routine. three twelve hour days in a row.

TAMIKA: I've worked four...It's just that's it been awhile DEREK: We been doing this for years now. After this long it ain't a routine. It's life. since, since we shared company?

DEREK: (exhaling) Alright, baby. I'm sorry. You're TAMIKA: Things need to change.

DEREK: Or what? right. You're right.

(Tamika doesn't answer.) (he kisses her) DEREK: Or what, Tamika?...Let's drop this all before I'll be up to bed in a few minutes. we say some unfortunate things.

(He turns on the TV.) TAMIKA: (noticing his lack of enthusiasm) Okay, baby. TAMIKA: I wanna talk this out.

(She picks up her robe and begins to walk away. She DEREK: You wanna hear me tell you how much better Fall 2014 Proscenium 47

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador our life mighta been if we got divorced at that time?

TAMIKA: No. DEREK: How much the both of us regret not having the guts to start over then? You wanna talk about all that now? After all that time been passed by?

TAMIKA: No. DEREK: What chance we got starting over out there now, huh?! Me, with my pot belly and hair falling out?

TAMIKA: I want to hear you tell me that you love me.

(He steps to her and takes her in his arms.)

DEREK: (tenderly) I love you...We'll just keep doing what we been doing, baby. No use thinkin, “Coulda, woulda, shoulda.” Look, we'll try harder in making it work.

(She nods and holds him tight.)

DEREK: And yeah, so you know? Know again? ...I would have married you, Tamika. Pregnant or not. Understood?

(He kisses her.)

Scene Seven

Time: 1965; a year after the last flashback.

Place: Havana, Cuba (We hear the sounds of a packed bar: Music beneath people laughing and having a good time. Reina, dressed in a men's suit, stands with a drink in his hand. Mirabella, aka Pablito, dressed fashionably in men's clothes enters. He looks around and sees Reina.)

MIRABELLA: Jesus. I'm so sorry I'm late, Reina.

REINA: You're just lucky I have the patience of a saint.

MIRABELLA: (overly-apologetic) Yo se, yo se...I'm impossible.

(They kiss each other on the cheek.)

MIRABELLA: Oh, please don't be cross with me. So? Que bola?

REINA: Did you see that army of “Carmen's” when you walked into the club?

MIRABELLA: Ay, and such ugly “Miranda” impersonators too. They look like a pack of burros with fruit on their heads.

REINA: Relax, corazon. Those putas are beneath you.

MIRABELLA: I can't help it. They are all so jealous of you!

REINA: Let those peasants have their dirt.

Last night, after my show, Gabriela started snapping at me. Could you believe it?

MIRABELLA: Cono, is that puta still not over it?

REINA: Says I stole her gringo cowboy. “My own little John Wayne”, she calls him.

MIRABELLA: (agreeing) Mmmm-mmm.

48 Proscenium Fall 2014

REINA: To tell you the truth I can't get rid of him. But, that's a gringo for you: Always wanting to conquer someone or something.

MIRABELLA: Mmmm-mmm. (looking offstage) Oh. Speaking of which, here comes Gabriela now...

(They both look offstage as if addressing Gabriela.)

REINA: (to Gabriela; indignant) What's that you barking out of your snout?...Well, honey? Maybe if you stopped prancing around in a mini-skirt you might be able to keep a man...Si, I see those legs! Unfortunately they are more suited to holding up a Steinway piano than enticing an hombre!

MIRABELLA: Mmmm-mmm. Tell it, chica!

REINA: (to Gabriela) Ahora, keep walking and take your gorilla trainer with you.

MIRABELLA: (laughing) That tongue of yours, chica...

So do you mind telling me why you insisted we come here dressed like this?

REINA: I have to tell you something.

MIRABELLA: I mean, it feels so unnatural dressing as a man. It's so, so...

REINA: Masculine?

MIRABELLA: (correcting) Boring. Like being at a costume ball without a costume.

REINA: Get used to it. (looking him over) Though I have to say I love how that guayabera looks on you.

MIRABELLA: Get used to it? Used to what? (suddenly switching to guayabera) Do you really love it? I was going for something Mexicano. Dime, does it bring out my inner Anthony Quinn?

REINA: (with dread) The Marica sisters got picked up last night outside Joey Guapa's.

MIRABELLA: (dismissing) Well, those chicas never met a pinga they didn't want to stroke.

REINA: I mean, by the policia.

MIRABELLA: Claro que si! The policia pretend to arrest them and then drive them to the countryside where the Marica sisters let them have their way with them.

It's a game they been playing for years now. You know that?

REINA: (serious) It wasn't that kind of arrest...

(Reina steps away.)

MIRABELLA: (concerned) Carino?...What's the matter?

REINA: This is just the beginning.

MIRABELLA: What is?

REINA: Soon it will be a bad time to be a maricon.

MIRABELLA: How can you say that? I mean, look

Sal Lopez portraying Reina in Kissing Che at the Celebration Theatre in Los Angeles. Directed by Victor Maog.

Photo by Stephen Albanese. around, Reina.

REINA: I'm talking about persecution.

(Mirabella looks at Reina very seriously for a long moment.)

MIRABELLA: (laughing it off) Oh, por favor...

REINA: Will you listen to me?

MIRABELLA: Who is going to do this, tell me that?

REINA: The party.

MIRABELLA: (getting upset) Quien? Fidel would never allow such a thing. La revolucion would never allow such a thing. Nunca. Besides, I hear from the other chicas, that his brother, Raul, is big ganso himself.

(Reina grabs Mirabella.)

REINA: (lowering his voice) Who do you think is behind it, estupida?

(Beat. Mirabella becomes very nervous.)

MIRABELLA: You shouldn't say such things...

REINA: What if it is true?

MIRABELLA: (glancing around) Ssssh. That's treason to say such mierda. To even think it will get you shot.

REINA: I know this to be happening.

MIRABELLA: From who? Forget it I don't want to know.

REINA: An admirer. Judge Jerez...Have I ever misled you?

MIRABELLA: No. REINA: Have I not taught you everything?

MIRABELLA: Yes, I have learned from a maestro.

REINA: Cuidate. Things are changing for the worse.

MIRABELLA: What are we going to do?

REINA: For now, we keep a low profile.

MIRABELLA: (indignant) Low profile? Me? Hmmm!

Chica, that's like asking Marilyn Monroe to stop looking so fabulosa.

REINA: (grabbing Mirabella) You have to trust me on this!

MIRABELLA: You're scaring me, Reina.

REINA: Do you trust me?

MIRABELLA: Claro. You know I do...

REINA: Don't worry. I'll keep us safe.

MIRABELLA: I love you, Reina.

REINA: I love you too. Con todo mi corazon...

(Blackout.)

Fall 2014 Proscenium  49

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador

Scene Eight

(Spotlight on Reina sitting in a bathtub as Tamika gives him a sponge bath.)

TAMIKA: So, who's Mirabella?

REINA: Where you hear that name?

TAMIKA: You repeated that name over and over in your sleep.

REINA: I no remember.

TAMIKA: I figure maybe it was town where you were from?

REINA: I no remember.

TAMIKA: Oh...So how's the water? Not too caliente?

REINA: (suddenly cheerful) If a man was bathing me it would be just right.

TAMIKA: I guess I'm going to have to do.

REINA: The men nurses are scared of me. Like I am contagious.

TAMIKA: I suppose you've had sex with lots of men, huh?

REINA: (worried) My doctor has been asking me a lot of questions about my sex life.

TAMIKA: (comforting) You relax now. Soon enough, you'll be as right as rain.

REINA: Tu sabes? Mi papa was a great lover of women.

I get that power from him.

TAMIKA: He was real womanizer huh?

REINA: Si. That until he gave mama syphilis. Jodido! You should seen her chase him through the streets with her machete.

TAMIKA: For real?!

REINA: He suffered from diabetes so his feet were always swollen. He didn't make it very far before he tripped over himself, fell into the street and got run over by a bus.

TAMIKA: (shaking her head sadly) Lord what a shame.

REINA: ...mama never married again.

TAMIKA: She still loved him, huh?

REINA: (shaking his head) She got too fat. But men still wanted her...

TAMIKA: So then how come she never re-married?

REINA: In our barrio, most men were poor. And every hombre knew that they could not afford to support this woman with the insatiable appetite of a goat. (beat) I think that's why she ate so much. So, the men would finally let her be a widow...

TAMIKA: (shaking her head sadly) That's so romantic.

Still loving your daddy after all that.

REINA: She was born from the tears of Yemaya. Cursed from the moment she was pulled from the womb.

50 Proscenium Fall 2014

TAMIKA: You were very close.

REINA: Until I was nine when mama caught me wearing women's clothes. She got so scared that I was turning into a maricon that she took me to a priest, praying that the Holy Ghost would chase the gay out of me.

TAMIKA: Well, we know how that worked out.

REINA: The priests could no understand how Jesus could walk on water but can no make a gay man straight? Mama finally get so desperate, she takes me to a priestess of la Ocha and gives me this potion to drink called, “Gay be gone.”

TAMIKA: No go, huh?

REINA: Chica! It made me even more gay!

(They share a moment in laughter.)

REINA: (Cont'd) Had it, mama take me to see a prostituta with these huge worn-down tetas! But I jump out of the window and run for my life. My pinga swinging in the wind...

TAMIKA: (amused) You are scandalous, Reina!

REINA: And you? What scandalous things you have to tell me?

TAMIKA: (giggling) Me?! I've never been the type of girl that men wanted to do scandalous things with.

REINA: Morena, please! They must have!

TAMIKA: (shaking her head) Momma'd tell me, “Lord knows Tamika, you got plenty of inner beauty, little girl. But it's a darn shame none of that ever showed up on the outside. Darn shame.”

REINA: Well, fuck her.

TAMIKA: (besides herself) Reina?! That's my mother!

REINA: Then fuck her even more!

You proved her wrong. You have a man, si?

TAMIKA: Yes, Derek. We met in the most romantic of ways.

REINA: Tell me?

TAMIKA: It was at Friday night bingo at my church.

REINA: (rolling his eyes) You one chica loca, allright!

TAMIKA: You shush, now! (going back to that old feeling) I'm looking over my Bingo card and I glance up and see this man is giving me the eye. He's got a mushy nose and crooked hairline but no question about it: He's shooting me a smile. At the end of the night he walks up to me and asks if I want to grab some coffee and maybe some pie?

REINA: (sarcastic) You're kidding?

TAMIKA: (nostalgic) He was a real go getter...Two months later we were married.

REINA: He knock you up, eh?

TAMIKA: (blushing) What?

REINA: You Jezebel!

TAMIKA: He was so charming, I couldn't resist.

REINA: And how old your baby now?

TAMIKA: What? He's not with us.

REINA: I no understand?...

(Silence.)

REINA: (Cont’d, realizing) Oh...

TAMIKA: God's taking good care of him, I'm sure.

REINA: And you never had another?

(Tamika doesn't respond.)

REINA: (Cont’d) What kind of hombre is that man of yours that he no give you many new babies?

TAMIKA: It wasn't his fault, Reina.

(Silence.)

TAMIKA: (Cont’d) Besides, who wants to have a child when the Ruskies could nuke us to smithereens any day now, right?...

(Reina takes her hand and affectionately kisses it.)

REINA: (beat) Ay...What heartbroken women are we, eh corazon?

Lights slowly to black.

Scene Nine

Time: 1965; flashback Place : Havana, Cuba (Spotlight up on black stage. We hear the sounds of hooting and hollering. Long, ear piercing whistling are combined with taunts of, “Hola, maracon!/Oy, faggot.

Suck my pinga!”

A moment after, Reina (31 years old) falls into the spotlight as if he was violently thrown. He struggles to one knee. His face bruised and dress stained with blood and in tatters. The unseen voices become louder and more violent.

Suddenly, Reina gets up defiantly and confronts the unseen voices.)

REINA: (calling out violently) You think you can destroy me! You can't! That's right! You hear me, putos?!...

Come here and I'll show what a maricon I can really be!

(Reina takes a wild swing at the voices but spins around and falls to the floor. We hear wild laughter and ear piercing whistles!

Spotlight on D.S.R. The same revolutionary man we saw in the opening scene stands staring at Reina, who lies motionless on the floor. He calls out to Reina. His voice is sweet and compassionate almost singing to him.)

CHE: Reiiiiiinaaaaa?! Reiinnnnaaaaaaaa?! Reiiiiiiiinnnaaaaaaaaaaaa!

(Reina doesn't move. Spotlight slowly to black. End of Act One)

ACT TWO Scene One

(Derek lights a candle at a carefully set dinner table, giving it a romantic air. He checks it making sure he's crossed all his “t's” and dotted his”i's”. Tamika walks in holding a bag.)

TAMIKA: (surprised) What's all this?

DEREK: It's date night. Or did you think I'd forget?

TAMIKA: I thought you'd forget.

DEREK: Well I didn't. Your chair awaits you ma cheri.

TAMIKA: (taken) My, isn't this so unexpected?

DEREK: Very enchante, wouldn't you say?

(He kisses her sweetly on the lips. Tamika is enamored by it.)

TAMIKA: Yes, it's very enchante.

DEREK: Oh, and I got this...

(He pulls out a bottle of champagne from bucket of ice.)

TAMIKA: Bubbly!

DEREK: And it's pink.

TAMIKA: Oooh. Well what you waiting for baby? Open it up.

(The bottle opens with a loud pop and the cork goes flying! He pours two glasses.)

DEREK: What should we toast to?

TAMIKA: (thinking) “The right here and now!”

DEREK: (clueless but enthusiastic) Alright. To what you just said.

(They klink their glasses and take a sip. She leans over to him and gives him a soft kiss on the lips.)

TAMIKA: I love this. Thank you.

DEREK: Well, if you love this, you gonna love what's gonna happen later even more.

TAMIKA: (blushing) Ooh, go on...I do like the sound of that?

DEREK: (all charm) Oh, do you now?...

(They both giggle like school children.)

DEREK: Shall we take a seat?

TAMIKA: (sitting down) What are we having for dinner?

DEREK: Your favorite.

TAMIKA: Beef stroganoff?

DEREK: Close. Momma's meatloaf.

TAMIKA: Smells wonderful.

DEREK: Baby, you notice anything different about me?

TAMIKA: (beat) Like what?

DEREK: Like what? Like it's been a week since I smoked any weed.

TAMIKA: (impressed) A week? That's amazing, but I never asked you toDEREK: Didn't have to. Figured that out on my own.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 51

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador Figured it would make you happy. Figured it would be good for both of us...

TAMIKA: Thank you. That is very thoughtful.

(Silence.)

DEREK: It's been a part of what I been realizing lately.

TAMIKA: Oh? Part of what?

DEREK: Part about what's happened to me. What's happened to me since the baby.

TAMIKA: I'm sorry for bringing that up last week.

DEREK: (toucher hand tenderly) Please let me finish...

He was supposed to be our son. We spent months fixing up the apartment, getting ready for him. ...Those little tiny blue and white Adidas sneakers.

Dreamin' about what it would be like playing ball with him? Watchin' him get ready for the prom? College?

All that feel good shit that happens to a parent. That happens to a parent that has been blessed...Then one day it's over. It's not going to happen. He ain't even lived one day except in your heart and mind... (beat) The thing is, Tamika...Our baby may have been born dead but you are still alive...How did I forget that?...I'm ashamed about that, and I want you to know that from here on out, I'm gonna be there for you. The good Lord only knows that I'm a lotta years late speaking my heart to you. But, but if you could ever forgive me?...

(Moved, Tamika smiles. She leans into him and kisses him tenderly.)

TAMIKA: I just did.

Scene Two

(We hear the sound of President Reagan giving a press interview coming from the TV. Reina sits in a wheelchair, sleeping soundly. His appearance reflecting his rapidly deteriorating health. Tamika enters with a tray of medication and a glass of water. She notices a shoe box of photos lying next to him. She picks up a photo and examines it.

Reina wakes and sees Tamika.)

TAMIKA: So these girls in the photo with you are all really fellas?

REINA: Si, all of them. Except for Suzanna. She was half-man.

TAMIKA: Where are all your friends now?

(Silence.)

REINA: (switching subjects cheerfully) And you? You have many amiga's here?

TAMIKA: I used to have a best friend.

REINA: Not no more?

TAMIKA: She got divorced a year ago...

52 Proscenium Fall 2014

REINA: (sensing Tamika is bothered) What is it?

TAMIKA: I just, been wondering...how that happens to a marriage?...

(Silence on that thought.)

REINA: Maybe your friend is happier this way?

TAMIKA: Yeah maybe...

(She hands him a series of pills which he dutifully swallows.)

REINA: (disgusted) Pills. Pills, pills y aun mas pills.

TAMIKA: It's good for you. Except for maybe a hallucination here and there.

REINA: Rojo...I always look muy fabulosa in red.

TAMIKA: I bet you were stunning.

REINA: I wore it for him, tu sabes? It was his favorite color...

TAMIKA: Who? REINA: I was just a young show girl in Mexico City.

Just beginning to spread my wings.

TAMIKA: What were you doing there?

REINA: I was born in Mexico. So there I was...peacocking down the sidewalk, looking fabulosa in my summer dress and red Ferragamo heels. Suddenly I see him! Standing outside a cafe, looking bored as he was talking to a couple of beautiful girls. Cono! His face!

Dark eyebrows. Black hair combed to the side. And his eyes. Cono...He looked over and stared at me. I stepped to him...my hips swaying from side to side.

TAMIKA: Go get him, Reina.

REINA: I stepped in between the two girls and told him the club where I was headlining, “a very special kind of show.” He smiled at me ever so inquisitively and ask, “How special?”... “So special...”, I say...”That it would make you never want to go back to the way you were...”

TAMIKA: (waiting) And then what?

REINA: That was it. I walked away.

TAMIKA: You walked away?!

REINA: I always leave them wanting more. ...After my show, I was having a glass of rum, and all of a sudden, I hear a man's voice whisper in my ear, “Convencer a los que me quede, mi amor?...Convince me to stay, my love?” I turn around and see mi amor. Mi Ernesto...

He had this way of looking at me after we make love.

Like the way a writer looks at a piece of paper when he's in the middle writing something beautiful.

TAMIKA: Sounds 3dreamy.

REINA: He was Che Guevara!

TAMIKA: Che? You mean, that guy with the beret and long black beard?

REINA: The very same one.

TAMIKA: How long were you lovers for?

Kissing Che Cover Art by Ryan Murphy. Photo by Stephen Albanese.

REINA: A few days.

TAMIKA: A few days? That's it?

REINA: I watch from my balcony, with tears in my eyes, as he walks out of my life. I tried to forget him but I could not. So, I get on a ship to Cuba...

(Silence.)

TAMIKA: (impatient) And what happened when he found you?

REINA: (beat; changing subjects) Y tu? What love you have in your past?

TAMIKA: Me? REINA: Love so fuerte that you chase it to the ends of the world?

TAMIKA: I told you before, I wasn'tREINA: (finishing her thought) -that kind of chica, I know. But I no buy it.

TAMIKA: It was so foolish...

REINA: Oh, now you definitely have to tell me!

TAMIKA: Just drop it.

REINA: It's good to remember what it was like to feel such joy.

(Reina lovingly touches her hand.)

REINA: (Cont’d) Intiendeme?

TAMIKA: (beat) We'd used to stay up late in bed.

Dreaming about going away together...to California... we even traced our fingers down a map to this little town...Solana Beach...

REINA: Must be very special hombre to make you dream so good?

(She laughs to herself in astonishment.)

REINA: (Cont’d) What? Tell me...

TAMIKA: (beat) When we was living in Topeka...Derek Fall 2014 Proscenium 53

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador and me met another couple while bowling.

REINA: (disappointed) I ask is for a love story and you talk to me about bowling?!

TAMIKA: (getting up) You're right. It'll probably bore you.

REINA: Okay, okay! Cono! But this story better end with you touching more than a bowling bowl!

TAMIKA: You want me to tell this story or not?

(Reina relents.)

TAMIKA: (sitting back down) Sean and Lorraine. They were really nice...We all became close ...One night I was at the store shopping for Derek's supper and who do I run into but Lorraine?...Well, we got around to talking... and then talking some more over drinks...it was fun. To be seen...You know what I mean?...We were walking together to our cars and I started to feel something?...

And suddenly the strangest thing happened. She kisses me on my mouth...

REINA: Cono! You are filled with surprises aren't you, girl?!

TAMIKA: We made love that night. I never done that with a woman before...

REINA: How wonderful!

TAMIKA: As you could see, it didn't last.

REINA: Why not?

TAMIKA: We had this little joke that someday we would leave our husbands and be together. Could you believe that?

REINA: Sounds like a beautiful joke.

TAMIKA: ...that's all it was.

REINA: What happened?

TAMIKA: It just all faded away.

REINA: You left her?

(Silence.)

REINA: You loved her.

TAMIKA: It was a sin for me to be with a woman.

REINA: Pobracita. You were ashamed.

TAMIKA: It was misguided. I was misguided.

REINA: You meet the greatest love of your life and you walk away?

TAMIKA: I was a married woman. I am a marriedREINA: Si! You are married to the happiness of your husband over your own.

REINA: You ran away from her because you felt ashamed.

TAMIKA: (ignoring) With Derek, I have a history. A friendship. Fifteen years and Derek and me gotREINA: -Familiarity?

TAMIKA: Intimacy. Now maybe it's an intimacy that 54 Proscenium Fall 2014

you can't understand?

(Reina takes a moment and shrugs it off.)

REINA: Sounds boring.

TAMIKA: Boring? Look what your life has gotten you?

Nobody ever walks through those doors to visit you!

REINA: But no will ever accuse of me of ever being an imposter! Unlike a certain lesbiana morena I no name...

TAMIKA: Don't call me that.

REINA: (taunting) What? A lesbian?

TAMIKA: Yes, that. Because it isn't true!

REINA: Only gay for Lorraine are we?

TAMIKA: (getting up) I should have damn known better than to tell you about it.

(Tamika's pager goes off again. She gets up.)

TAMIKA: (Cont’d) I gotta go.

REINA: You can bet your culo that this conversation is no over!

TAMIKA: (final) Yes, it is! And if you ever dare throw that in my face I'll never speak to you again! We clear?!

(Tamika shoots him a look before indignantly exiting the room.)

REINA: (beat; thoughtfully to himself) Intimacy...

(Reina watches what plays out next as another spotlight comes up on Derek sitting on the couch in front of the TV.) Tamika enters a moment later holding a bowl of popcorn.)

TAMIKA: Hey, baby?

(Derek doesn't hear her. He is zoned out, watching TV.) TAMIKA: You remember that patient I was telling you about? The man? Or should I say woman? Well, however you wanna describe her?

(He ignores her and laughs at the TV.) TAMIKA: (shyly) ...Anyway, she was...So, she was telling me this story aboutDEREK: Baby, can it wait until the commercial break?

TAMIKA: (trying to hide her hurt) What?...oh sure...I'll just sit right...here...

(She sits down next to him. He laughs out loud to the TV. Seemingly clueless to her existence.

Long silence. Tamika stares out. A look of depression fills her face.)

DEREK: (eyes on the TV) Oh hey?

TAMIKA: (suddenly attentive) Yes, baby?

DEREK: ...Pass me the popcorn, will ya?

(The smile drops from her face...She hands him the bowl and he takes it without looking at her.

Lights slowly fade to black as Tamika silently stares out from her despair.

Derek lights his pipe and takes a deep hit...)

Scene Three

(Reina sits on the couch, listening to some Cuban music coming from the radio. Appearing medicated, he coughs loudly from time to time. His health is degrading rapidly. CHE enters. He is attired in green military fatigues.)

CHE: (re: music) You were always a sucker for Beny More. Me, I always liked Beny's musica. But not Fidel...He thought he was a counter-revolutionary. Then again Fidel thought everyone was a fucking counter-revolutionary...

REINA: Or a faggot?

CHE: (amused) Si. “A counter-revolutionary, cock-sucking faggot.”

REINA: You been muerto for so long...

CHE: Ah what is time when you're a fucking ghost, eh?

REINA: What is heaven like?

CHE: No se. I refuse to go.

REINA: Even in death you still a revolutionary, eh mi vida?

CHE: I like it here in purgatory. Gives me lots of time to haunt Fidel in his dreams. (beat) Es jodido. Es jodido what he did to my beloved Cuba.

(Pained, Che touches his stomach.)

REINA: You okay?

CHE: Si, si I'm fine. When you're dead, your regrets like to stab you in the guts.

REINA: Regrets? What regrets could you possibly have?

CHE: Now you sound like one of those sheep who never knew me at all.

REINA: I know you best.

CHE: I was different then.

REINA: Can't have changed that much. Eh, carino?

CHE: And your regrets?

REINA: (firm) Me? No. Nada!

CHE: Es importante to alleviate one's pecados.

REINA: Sins?! You never had no sins! They say you were responsible for the labor camps but I never believe them. No, mi Ernesto, I say!

CHE: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Pobracita.

Don't you think it's time you start preparing?

REINA: Preparing? Preparing for what?

CHE: For your...

(Che gestures having his throat slit.)

REINA: (turning away) I don't like you anymore!

CHE: (lovingly) Que?! You adore me...

REINA: No, this is not the hombre I remember and loved.

CHE: No?

REINA: The Ernesto I remember had the face of a boy.

CHE: Is that the only way you remember me?

REINA: I want to remember you like before...

CHE: (sweetly) And how was that, mi vida?

REINA: (beat; with vulnerable eyes) Desnudo...naked.

(Che takes off his shirt to reveal a tank top. Reina looks over his arms with inspiration.)

CHE: Like this?

(Reina shakes his head. Che takes off his shoes and socks.)

CHE: Like this?

(Reina shakes his head. Che takes off his pants. Now standing only in his tank top and underwear.)

CHE: (smiling) Or more like this?

(Che takes off his tank top and underwear. He presents himself to Reina, three fresh, bullet wounds mark his chest.

Reina takes it all in. He is breathless.)

REINA: Que linda...Even with your flesh torn open, you are still so beautiful, Ernesto. Mi Ernesto...

(Che signals Reina to approach him. Reina does so as if pulled by a magnet. Che suddenly puts up his hand to stop.)

REINA: Que pasa?

CHE: One last thing...

(Che pulls off his long hair and then his beard to REVEAL: ) REINA: (taken aback) Mirabella?

MIRABELLA: Claro...

REINA: (scared) What?!...What are you doing here?

MIRABELLA: (with a sweet smile) Isn't it obvious, mi amor? I'm here to torment you...

(Blackout.)

Scene Four

Time: 1973; flashback Place: Town, outside of Havana, Cuba (A large spotlight up on a bare stage.)

MIRABELLA: (offstage) (loud whisper) Reina?! Reina?! (louder) Reina?!

REINA: (Offstage) Si, callar, ya!

(Mirabella enters dressed casually in men's clothing.

He skulks in the spotlight.)

MIRABELLA: Is that you?

REINA: Si, idiota!

MIRABELLA: (loudly) Well, where are you pendejo?

(Reina steps into the spotlight.)

REINA: Cono! You're speaking loud enough to wake Fall 2014 Proscenium 55

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador

Juan Villa portraying Mirabella in Kissing Che at the Celebration Theatre in Los Angeles. Directed by Victor Maog. Photo by Stephen Albanese.

Fidel himself!

MIRABELLA: Disculpe, but I got scared, Reina.

(They step to each other and hug each other.)

REINA: It's okay. It's okay...

MIRABELLA: Did you hear about Fernanda? They arrested her and closed down Joey Guapa's!

REINA: Calmate Mirabella...

MIRABELLA: They are arresting anyone they suspect of being homosexual! Dios mio what are we going to do?

REINA: They don't know anything about you.

MIRABELLA: How do you know that?

REINA: I just do.

MIRABELLA: Unidades Militares de Ayuda a la Produccin, these camps where maricons like us are forced to work, cutting the sugar cane fields until their back breaks.

REINA: You're exaggerating.

MIRABELLA: Exaggerating? Wake up, por favor! Despierta Reina! All my friends that I've been telling you about? All of them have been arrested or have disappeared.

56 Proscenium Fall 2014

REINA: Have you been doing what I told you to do?

MIRABELLA: Si, But Cardenas is such a peasant town.

REINA: Maybe. But it's quiet. By the way? Have you been practicing?

MIRABELLA: I been trying...

REINA: Mirabella?

MIRABELLA: It's just not that easy to change my mannerisms. The way I say things! I've never been “masculine”. Mierda, I am who I am!

REINA: You can do it. It's like performing.

(Mirabella steps away. Long silence.)

REINA: What is it?

MIRABELLA: (matter-of-factly) They found Lucinda hanging in her room...dressed in her dead mother's wedding gown...

(Reina steps to her and comforts her.)

MIRABELLA: Estados Unidos...That's where I wish I could be...America. Have cocktails with Errol Flynn by his swimming pool. America, that's the only place left for people like us.

REINA: Muchacha? America says, “We'll take your tired and poor.” Not “We'll take your tired and poor

and your hombres who like to suck cock.”

MIRABELLA: (brushing it off) It's implied. (beat) That's where we're planning to escape to.

REINA: Escape? What are you talking about?

MIRABELLA: To Miami. It's in Florida. Which is in the Estados Unidos. It's already been set up.

REINA: What? How? MIRABELLA: With my novio, Manolo.

REINA: Don't be estupida. Nobody can leave the island.

MIRABELLA: Manolo can.

REINA: You never told me about him?

MIRABELLA: No. He swore me to secrecy. Says if anyone found out we would be sent off to the camps for sure.

REINA: Esperate. How could he get you out?

MIRABELLA: He works for the politburo.

REINA: For the partido?

MIRABELLA: And he just got promoted to the ambassador's cultural attache to Mexico.

REINA: Seguro?

MIRABELLA: Ahora Manolo says it's only a matter of time before he's assigned in Mexico City. And when that happens he'll bring me along as his assistant. And from there we go to Miami and live free. I really love him tu sabes? It's really true love this time.

REINA: (big smile) Felicitaciones.

MIRABELLA: Well, if it wasn't for his padre none of this could have happened.

REINA: How so?

MIRABELLA: Manolo's padre is a general after all...

REINA: And which general is that?

MIRABELLA: (stopping himself) I'm not supposed to say.

REINA: (throwing on guilt) Okay. No problemo. If you don't want to tell your bestMIRABELLA: General Nunez...Manuel says Fidel is going to soon announce his promocion.

REINA: Promocion? Promocion to what?

MIRABELLA: And don't think I will forget you. Soon as I get toREINA: Promocion to what, Mirabella?

MIRABELLA: Party secretary...Que pasa, Reina?

REINA: Nada..es nada...

(Mirabella steps forward and looks out. Beat.)

MIRABELLA: I wonder if it snows in Miami? I would like to know what snow feels like very much. I imagine it's lovely...

(Mirabella continues to look out dreamily as Reina watches on.)

Scene Five

(Tamika sits on the couch.)

DEREK: (offstage) (calling off) Tamika? Hey baby?...

You home?...

(Tamika doesn't respond. A moment later Derek enters cheerfully carrying some candy and a VHS cassette.)

DEREK: I picked up “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.

(He gives her a quick kiss on the cheek and steps to the TV.) DEREK: (Cont'd) How was work?

(She doesn't respond. Derek tries getting the VHS player to operate but is having problems. He spots the suitcase.)

DEREK: (Cont'd) What the hell's the matter with this thing?

TAMIKA: (softly) Derek?

DEREK: (annoyed) Hold on now. I just bought this player!

TAMIKA: (softly pleading) Could you please just leave it alone for a minute?

DEREK: Shoot. That's what I get for buying, “Made in Taiwan”. Lord help us if this country ever stops making our own shit.

(He pounds on the VHS player loudly.)

TAMIKA: Honey?

(Derek ignores and continues to pound away on the machine.)

TAMIKA: (Cont’d) Please? Could you?DEREK: Well, if you wanna watch the video I gotta fixTAMIKA: Just stop!

(Derek stops.)

TAMIKA: (Cont'd) I need to be honest with you about something.

DEREK: (nervous) Okay...

(Silence.)

TAMIKA: (Cont'd, softly) I had an affair...

DEREK: How's that?

TAMIKA: I was seeing someone.

DEREK: I know what an affair is girl! With who?

(Tamika doesn't respond.)

DEREK: (Cont'd) I asked with who, damnit?!

TAMIKA: Before I tell you, I need you toDEREK: (suddenly realizing) Don't tell me it was with?..

Don't tell you was with Sean?

TAMIKA: No...

(A look of relief falls over his face.)

TAMIKA: It was with Lorraine.

DEREK: Lorraine?...Sean's ex? That Lorraine?!

TAMIKA: Yes. DEREK: (still not believing) LORRAINE?!

Fall 2014 Proscenium 57

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador TAMIKA: I fell in love with her.

DEREK: Nah, nah, nah! Women don't do that!

(Silence.)

TAMIKA: We're not together anymore.

DEREK: You're broke up?

(She nods her head.)

DEREK: How long that been for?

TAMIKA: Since Topeka.

DEREK: Hell...

TAMIKA: Derek?

DEREK: You ain't seen hide or hair of her since? You're expecting me to believe that?

(Silence.)

TAMIKA: Is the truth...

DEREK: The truth?...Has this turned to habit?

TAMIKA: What?

DEREK: A habit? There been other women you need to cop to me about.

TAMIKA: It's only ever been her.

DEREK: You know what this is, right? A sin! (counting off) Let's see, what we got? Homosexuality. Blasphemy.

Adultery.

TAMIKA: Stop, please!

DEREK: What? Listing your sins?

TAMIKA: (correcting) Shaming me.

DEREK: ...You know? I could have cheated on you to?

Had me a plethora of opportunities! A whole parade of women to be choosin' from! But I never did! And you know why?...My wedding vow I made to you. In front of God...

TAMIKA: You watched TV more than you ever watched me...

DEREK: That's not true.

(Tamika stares him down.)

DEREK: (relenting) My folks watched TV together for sixty years...

TAMIKA: You spent more time with your weed than you do talking with me?

DEREK: (beat; outraged) Goddamn! My own wife a!(He cuts himself off cold.)

TAMIKA: (with difficulty) Say it?...Go ahead, say it?...

DEREK: (beat; continuing) ...A bull-dagger.

(Tamika lets the possibility sink in.)

DEREK: (inspired) I'll try harder to make it work this time!

TAMIKA: It's no use, baby. In the end, we always go back to the way we were.

DEREK: I got an idea! We'll go see the Deacon. He'll know how to fix this. Us. 58 Proscenium Fall 2014

(Tamika shakes her head sadly.)

DEREK: What? You don't love me no more? Is that it?

TAMIKA: Love you? You're my best friend.

(She hugs him and he holds onto her passionetly.)

DEREK: I wasn't so unhappy, baby.

(Tamika snaps to the truth and pulls away from him.)

TAMIKA: I have to go.

DEREK: What you gonna do now? You gonna just show up at her front door?

(Tamika remains unsure.)

DEREK: Just show up on her front door? You think she's been waiting for you like a Goddamn dog?!

(Tamika looks pained.)

DEREK: (Cont’d) Shit, she probably shacked up with some dude, right about now.

TAMIKA: I don't think so.

DEREK: (aggressive) Maybe then she shacked-up with some other woman?

TAMIKA: (hurt) Maybe.

DEREK: So, so, so, if she don't take you back you gonna go and find yourself another woman?

TAMIKA: Ain't thought about it.

DEREK: (beat; pained) I just want to get this straight?

You taking loneliness over me?

(Beat; She steps to him and gives him a tender kiss on the lips.)

DEREK: (Cont'd) What if it don't work out with her?

TAMIKA: I haven't even left the house yet.

DEREK: Yeah, I know but what if? You can come back, you hear?

(Silence. She smiles sadly at him one last time. Wipes away her eyes and exits with her suitcase.)

Scene Six

(Reina lies sleeping in a hospital bed. He is hooked up to a heart monitor and breathes through an oxygen mask. Tamika sleeps next to him in a chair.

Suddenly, he jolts violently awake. He pulls off his oxygen mask to reveal a face filled with dread.

Frantic he tries to sit up, but is too weak. He doesn't see Tamika.)

REINA: (loudly) Tamika?! Tamika?!

(Tamika awakens and comforts him.)

TAMIKA: Shhhh. It's okay, I'm here.

REINA: (in dread) I've been having such terrible dreams.

Terrible!

TAMIKA: Well, they're over now...

REINA: I don't think I sleep more than an hour.

TAMIKA: Are you kidding? You've been asleep for the last three days.

REINA: Tres dias? (looking around nervously) Donde estoy? I don't know this room.

TAMIKA: Take it easy, Reina.

REINA: Am I back in Havana?

TAMIKA: You were moved from the home to Mercy hospital.

REINA: Porque?

TAMIKA: You had an aneurysm.

REINA: A what?

TAMIKA: It's a bleeding in the head.

REINA: Ay, dio...

TAMIKA: I've been here with you waiting for you to wake up.

REINA: (holding on to her) You're such a good amiga.

TAMIKA: I'm going to have to get the doctor.

REINA: No, por favor. Don't leave me alone.

TAMIKA: I'll be right back.

(Tamika exits.)

REINA: (calling after) Tamika?!

(Silence. Mirabella enters. He is naked as before but now his bullet wounds bleed profusely.)

REINA: Tu! MIRABELLA: You almost didn't make it.

REINA: Are you real?

(Mirabella looks down at his bleeding wounds and wipes some blood with his finger.)

MIRABELLA: Cono! Again with the bleeding. I no know how Jesus can stand it?!

REINA: It was those fucking communistas who did that to all of you! Los cabrones Castro!

(Tamika re-enters.)

REINA: (to Tamika) Did you see him?

TAMIKA: Who? (Reina doesn't answer.)

TAMIKA: The doctor should be here in a little while.

REINA: Do you believe in ghosts?

TAMIKA: I believe in the Holy Ghost.

REINA: What about the unholy ones?

(Mirabella enters.)

MIRABELLA: (to Reina) Who you calling, “unholy”, puto?!

REINA: I look back to Cuba and I don't remember it that way at all. Not at all...I wish I could feel Ernesto in my arms one more time.

MIRABELLA: I never even believed that story to begin with!

REINA: You weren't there! It was love! It was love I tell you!

TAMIKA: Who are you talking to?

REINA: (to Mirabella) I never knew you would end up this way.

MIRABELLA: (screaming) Liar!

TAMIKA: What way, Reina?

REINA: They don't know. They only accuse!

TAMIKA: Accuse?

REINA: (to Tamika) The first sign of the apocalypse began when you no hear the musicians playing their drums at night no more.

TAMIKA: Apocalypse, what apocalypse?

REINA: Castro's apocalypse! The second sign was when all the gorgeous drag queens that once peacocked down the Malecon were arrested. And beautiful men were made criminals for simply sucking cock!

(Reina rises up exclamation. Tamika eases him back down.)

TAMIKA: Ssshhh. Lie back now.

REINA: En la noche...In the night, the sounds of the executions...Gunfire. You go to bed imagining it only a matter of time before it be you standing against that wall.

MIRABELLA: (screaming) We were all scared! You think that you the only one?!

REINA: (beat) They put a pistole to my head and say I have a decision to make: Inform for the revolucion or be executed. What was I suppose to do? I want to live!

TAMIKA: Calm down, Reina.

REINA: Uno by uno...all the maricones begin to disappear. As if a plague were suddenly killing the gays.

They send them to labor camps to cut the sugar canes.

Dia y noche they swing the machete like slaves. Dia y noche...

TAMIKA: Oh, no, Reina...

REINA: I informo y informo. Lucy, Esmeralda, Josefina, Albina, Camille, Vanessa, Emilia, Beatrice. So so many...until I was the only one left.

TAMIKA: Mirabella wasn't the name of a town was it?

REINA: (shaking head; sobbing) ...I informed on her.

Informed on her for a one way ticket to the Estados Unidos...I never think that Mirabella be harmed. I swear! (to Mirabella) I swear to you!

TAMIKA: But she was, wasn't she?

(Reina looks deeply at Mirabella.)

REINA: (to Tamika) She was shot.

MIRABELLA: Four and a half breathes and it was over.

(Reina starts to sob and Tamika comforts him.)

TAMIKA: Ask for forgiveness.

REINA: I no believe in God. TAMIKA: Then ask it from Mirabella.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 59

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador REINA: She won't believe me.

TAMIKA: Then convince her.

REINA: I can't...

TAMIKA: What are you not telling me?...

(Reina remains silent.)

TAMIKA: The story about Che? That was a lie...wasn't it?

(Reina refuses to answer.)

TAMIKA: Why, Reina?

REINA: To help me forget TAMIKA: You need to rest, sweetheart.

REINA: And you?

TAMIKA: (unsure) I did it...I left Derek.

Left Derek.

REINA: That's wonderful...

(Tamika appears pained.)

REINA: Then why are you wasting your time here with me?

TAMIKA: (avoiding) You're sick. Now isn't the right time toREINA: Go find her.

TAMIKA: ...What if this is all one big mistake?

REINA: Find her. After all, California is closer than Havana.

TAMIKA: Actually, it's further away.

REINA: Cono, chica. Go to her.

TAMIKA: She didn't invite me.

REINA: She left her husband.

TAMIKA: What if she's forgotten me?

REINA: Simple. Make yourself remembered.

TAMIKA: And if she says she doesn't love me anymore?

REINA: Then you move on.

TAMIKA: (worried) Alone?

REINA: Si, alone. But with so many new beautiful possibilities...

(Beat. Reina is struck with a coughing fit. Tamika comforts him.)

TAMIKA: You need to rest.

REINA: No. No, I'm okay.

(She checks Reina's pulse.)

TAMIKA: Rest, mi Reina.

(She looks back at the door.)

REINA: Go get the doctor.

TAMIKA: I want to stay here with you.

REINA: It's okay, mi amor...I'll still be here.

(Reina caresses Tamika's face for a few moment.

She exits, leaving Reina alone with Mirabella.)

REINA: Is that true what Tamika said? That you and the girls could forgive me?

MIRABELLA: (thinking) Hmmm. I suppose it's possi60 Proscenium Fall 2014

bility...

REINA: Really? Do you really mean that?

MIRABELLA: (sing-song) An ojo for an ojo. An eye for an eye...

REINA: I don't understand.

MIRABELLA: Me and the girls died a violent death.

Which means you must die a violent death.

REINA: But I'm dying as it is.

MIRABELLA: (cold) Talk to me when you're serious.

But be quick, eh? At this rate your soul is going to burn in hell for eternity. (relishing the word) E-tern-i-dad...

REINA: (terrified) No, por favor!

MIRABELLA: Forgiveness must be earned, my dear Reina.

(She starts to exit.)

REINA: (blurting out) What if I killed myself?

(Mirabella freezes.)

MIRABELLA: Do I hear an offer?

REINA: Yes! Yes, I'll kill myself! Will I be forgiven then?

MIRABELLA: We're suffering, Reina. Me and all the girls. Proving that you are serious about being forgiven will end the reason why we must stay as ghosts. We suffer because you suffer. That's why ghosts exists.

Because suffering exists. Why Jesus will always stay a ghost for as long as man exists...

REINA: Then I will end our suffering.

MIRABELLA: That's a good girl.

REINA: I'm scared shitless to die.

MIRABELLA: Sshhh. Death is a gift from God, mi amor.

An act of mercy that frees us from the sins of this life.

REINA: And then I will be forgiven, right? We will find peace?

MIRABELLA: For forever and ever...I love you, mi Reina.

REINA: I love you too. Con todo mi corazon...

MIRABELLA: What do you say? Let's get on with it?

REINA: (nodding his head) Okay.

(Mirabella steps to him with a plastic bag.)

MIRABELLA: Let me help you.

REINA: (worried) Esperate. I need to freshen up first, I must look a mess?...

MIRABELLA: (laughs) Ah, Reina. No need to worry about that. The next life is all about inner-beauty...

(Mirabella steps to Reina and begins to place the bag over Reina's head.)

Blackout

Sal Lopez portraying Reina in Kissing Che at the Celebration Theatre in Los Angeles. Directed by Victor Maog.

Photo by Stephen Albanese.

Scene Seven

(Spotlight on a gorgeous Cuban Woman in her early twenties. She is dressed as a 1950's Havana show-girl and alluringly lip-syncs the Cuban love ballad, “Besume Mucho”.

The SPOTLIGHT WIDENS to REVEAL that she is singing to Tamika seated in a chair.

The Cuban Woman shifts her hips seductively, teasing her ever so closely. She leans into Tamika, their lips inches from each other.

Tamika reaches out her hand and just as she's about to caress her-SPOTLIGHT to BLACK.)

END OF PLAY

Fall 2014 Proscenium 61

Ski Lift Chris Holbrook

Ski Lift

A conversation with the playwright

out during our daily lives.

Somewhere in between these lifts, usually on the way down, “Ski Lift” began to percolate.

What was the most challenging part of writing this play?

As is often the case, it's the cutting and revising, not the writing, that nearly kills you.

What playwrights have inspired you?

Recently, Joe Orton, Neil Labute, Alan Ayckbourn.

Chris Holbrook What was your inspiration for this play?

A ski lift, for me, is the perfect place for great theater. You're stuck with strangers whom you would never talk to otherwise, and there is no escape. Even better, once you arrive at the top of the mountain, you'll probably never see them again. I love that too. You spend all this time getting to know them and then you've got about two seconds to say goodbye.

I started thinking about this play when I was on a ski lift in France. I was skiing alone, and half the time I would ride with total strangers.

The lift was long, and we had plenty of time to small talk, or in some cases, talk about things that I've never discussed with anyone since.

Now I don’t want to suggest that I had deeply profound discussions with these people. But at the same time, it wasn’t small talk either.

The other half of the time, I rode up alone, and, surrounded by a beauty that bordered on the dream-like, I had plenty of time to think about these conversations—as well as Life’s Profound Questions that most of us succeed in blocking 62 Proscenium Fall 2014

Why did you start writing plays?

I got tired of convincing myself not to write them.

What projects are you working on now?

Too many. The question is, how do I get these projects produced?

What kind of theatre excites you?

Almost anything. The one exception is the skeleton-in-the-closet, family-reunion dramas. But even those, if they're funny, and if the acting is great, I still enjoy.

Ski Lift is copyright © 2014 by Chris Holbrook. All inquiries regarding rights shall be sent to info@prosceniumjournal.com and shall be forwarded to the playwright or their agent. Performances of Ski Lift are subject to royalty, and are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries covered by the International Copyright Union. All rights, including professional and amateur productions, staged readings, television, motion picture, radio, translations, photocopies, and all other reproductions of this play are strictly reserved.

Ski Lift

By Chris Holbrook

Copyright 2014 Chris Holbrook

A ski lift at a swank ski resort. Ralphe, a Londoner, tall, contoured, wearing the full ski regalia, waits for the ski lift.

Egbert is Ralphe’s opposite, straight out of a lost twenty-something “Mumblecore” film. Slouched over.

Glasses. Wearing a jacket better suited for golf in May. But the real striking thing about Egbert is that he doesn’t have any skis—or poles or boots.

The lift arrives and sweeps them up. As they go up, Ralphe looks around and admires the view. Egbert, meanwhile, pulls out a pen and a piece of paper and begins writing.

RALPHE: Hell of a view.

(EGBERT continues to write.)

RALPHE: (Cont’d) I said, hell of a view.

EGBERT: It’s a mountain.

RALPHE: It’s not just a mountain. This is one of the pearls of the Alps. And the fifth highest in France. Is this your first run?

EGBERT: I suppose.

RALPHE: Fourth one for me. Was here at 9:00 a.m., as always. Nothing like the mountain when it hasn’t been touched all night. Snow like a virgin on her wedding night. You can hear the gasp of the mountain, while you admire the danger in her curves, the beauty of her face.

EGBERT: (still writing furiously) Do you mind? I’m busy here.

RALPHE: Doing what?

EGBERT: What does it look like?

RALPHE: Taking notes on the beauty. Good man. The mountain inspires me too. I get all my best ideas when I’m looking at her, but I rarely have the foresight to get out the pen and paper and start writing.

EGBERT: This isn’t about the mountain.

RALPHE: A love letter?

EGBERT: No. RALPHE: A lonesome ode to a paradise lost?

EGBERT: If you must know, it’s a suicide note.

RALPHE: You don’t say?

EGBERT: Isn’t it obvious? Do I look like a skier?

RALPHE: Not an orthodox one, I admit. But those are the ones you have to fear. Remember Toni Sailer, that Austrian scoundrel? Picked up 3 golds in Cortina

D’Ampezzo like he was shopping for bread.

EGBERT: Or poles.

RALPHE: Who needs poles? Andrea Lawrence won a gold in ‘52 without them.

EGBERT: I don’t even have any skis!

RALPHE: A point well-taken. But neither did Sondre Norheim. A little before your time, I admit. 19th-century, Norwegian. Jumped all the time without them.

EGBERT: You’re not understanding what I’m saying.

RALPHE: You’re saying, you’re a real ski bird.

EGBERT: I’m saying, I’m jumping.

RALPHE: Jumping?

EGBERT: Head first.

RALPHE: You devil, you.

EGBERT: I’m serious.

RALPHE: A bit cheeky, I admit, but I can see you’re the type. All the same, don’t you think it’s a bit dangerous?

Especially with this being your first run and all.

EGBERT: That’s the point.

RALPHE: What’s the point?

EGBERT: I’ll die.

(Silence. RALPHE, unperturbed, continues to admire the mountain.)

RALPHE: (indicating the letter) Mind if I have a look?

EGBERT: I do, in fact.

RALPHE: Just a peek.

EGBERT: Why? RALPHE: I could help. With the note, I mean. I know I’m just an amateur, with my skis and poles. You’re the pro. But, now and then, I’ve been known to go hors piste.

EGBERT: Hors what?

RALPHE: Off the trail. Where you’re not supposed to go. Right for the trees and the cliffs and the impossible thrill. (confiding) Put differently, I’ve been in your shoes.

EGBERT: You have?

RALPHE: Often, in fact.

EGBERT: That’s hard to believe.

RALPHE: Trust me, I know you’ve got to think these things through. And if you jump now, no one will be impressed. It just snowed last night, and you’ll land like a quail feather on a bed of pillows.

EGBERT: What should I do?

RALPHE: You want a hard landing?

EGBERT: Very.

RALPHE: Wait until we get over that ridge. Then, you’ll slam into those diamonds of rock and they’ll pierce through you like hot butter on a crusty biscuit.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 63

Ski Lift Chris Holbrook

EGBERT: You’re serious?

RALPHE: Deadly. And in the meantime, you can have me take a look at the letter. We’ll tweak it a bit, and then when you jump, I’ll make sure it gets into the right hands.

(EGBERT, hesitating, hands it over.)

RALPHE: (reading the letter out loud) “Honey, could you cancel my subscription to the ‘Economist’? And I forgot to tell you that Juanita is coming on Tuesday instead of Wednesday. Can you make sure the house isn’t a mess?” (to Egbert) Who’s Juanita?

EGBERT: The cleaning lady.

RALPHE: You’ve got to clean up for the maid?

EGBERT: Don’t ask.

RALPHE: (continuing to read) “Feel free to use my Metro Card. It’s in the top shelf of the living room bureau on the right-hand side. It’s good for another two months. Gotta go. Sorry about everything.

Bye. Egbert.”

64 Proscenium Fall 2014

(back to Egbert) That’s it? “Sorry about everything. Bye. Egbert” EGBERT: Well, like I said, I don’t have much time.

RALPHE: You want me to disseminate this?

EGBERT: No, don’t disseminate it. Just make sure my family gets it.

RALPHE: Okay, we’ll start with the family. Good thinking. But at the same time, with this kind of letter, you’ve got to reach for more. Live up to the moment. Evoke the spirit of our times. And, if you’re good, capture the scream of the soul in free fall. You game?

EGBERT: I don’t know.

RALPHE: Listen, Egbert. If you want to make a splash with this, we’ve got work to do.

EGBERT: Work?

RALPHE: Yes. And we’ve got about one minute left before we’re over those razor-sharp spirals. First step, we’ve got to acknowledge history. You’re not the first to pull the plug, you realize?

EGBERT: I guess.

RALPHE: Kurt Cobain. He didn’t talk about magazine

subscriptions. He said that he rather “burn out then fade away.” The gentleman acknowledged history, you see.

Found a seat in an empty pew and gave it up to the master fiddler, Neil Young. Who are you referencing?

The cleaning lady?

EGBERT: I’m not— RALPHE: Or Stefan Zweig. He said his beloved homeland was “gripped with madness.” He was doing it for the future of his country. What’s your cause? To save money on the metro?

EGBERT: Who is Stefan Zweig?

RALPHE: Or Virginia Woolf. You’ve heard of her, I assume. She said she had “never been happier” than when she was with her husband. Who do you love? Where is your sense of family; history; literature; the edge of the abyss; the fragility of humanity...

EGBERT: How do you know so much about this?

RALPHE: Oh, I’ve written a few suicide notes in my time. Nothing I’d present to the Queen, mind you...

EGBERT: You’ve written suicide notes?

RALPHE: Sure. I’m no expert. But I know you’ve got to work at it, not just scribble a shopping list on a ski lift. I’ve been working on my current one for at least two months.

EGBERT: Your current one?

RALPHE: Sure. Posted it this morning.

EGBERT: To who?

RALPHE: Oh, with these things, you can’t trust anybody. Sent it registered mail to my mother, wife, the children.

EGBERT: You sent the note to your children? That’s horrible. How can you just send a letter like that and have them open it?

RALPHE: You think it’s better if they wait until the newspaper publishes it? You really have no appreciation of the tradition.

EGBERT: Are you saying...

RALPHE: I’m telling you.

EGBERT: What?

RALPHE: This is it, Egbert.

EGBERT: But...but...this...is ridiculous. We can’t jump at the same time.

RALPHE: (thinking hard) Tell you what. You go and then I’ll do it on the next lift.

EGBERT: What?

RALPHE: You heard me. You go and then I’ll take the next lift.

EGBERT: Suppose you change your mind?

RALPHE: What will you care, you’ll be dead.

EGBERT: No, no. You go and then I’ll go on the next

lift.

RALPHE: Ah, very gallant of you, Egbert. But just so I understand, you’re saying you’ll let me go first and that I should commit suicide now?

EGBERT: I didn’t say it like— RALPHE: You don’t trust me, is that it?

EGBERT: No, I just...

RALPHE: Or, you want to create a distraction, so no one will try to stop you when you do it.

EGBERT: Maybe...but...

RALPHE: Good thinking. Maybe you do know what you’re doing here. Okay. Here we go.

(RALPHE begins to remove his clothes.)

EGBERT: What are you doing?

RALPHE: Taking off my clothes. No use wasting them.

EGBERT: What am I going to do with them?

RALPHE: Give them to some poor chap on the way down. Or looks like you could use some of them. Don’t want to die from frostbite before you take the plunge.

EGBERT: But how can I get down? I don’t even have any skis.

RALPHE: (lifting the bar of the lift) That’s why I’m giving you mine. Well, it’s been a real pleasure. (about to jump) See you on the other side!

EGBERT: Wait!!!

RALPHE: Sorry?

EGBERT: I’ve got something to say.

RALPHE: Step on it, Egbert. We’ve only got 30 more seconds of deadly peaks.

EGBERT: Like I was saying, I’ve got experience too.

RALPHE: We all have experience. It’s called age.

EGBERT: But I know how beautiful life can be. Especially with age.

RALPHE: Don’t lecture me about beauty. Why do you think I’m jumping here, on the most beautiful mountain on the planet?

EGBERT: I don’t know.

RALPHE: Why do any of us want to do this?

EGBERT: Because we have doubts. Because we lose our way.

RALPHE: Egbert, please.

EGBERT: Because we’ve taken too many wrong turns.

Because we didn’t fulfill our dreams.

RALPHE: This really isn’t the moment...

EGBERT: Or maybe we can’t face the realization that our minds and bodies aren’t what they used to be; and that our hopes for the future are just shadows lost in the early morning sun of younger generations.

RALPHE: Egbert, that’s enough!

Fall 2014 Proscenium 65

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi EGBERT: You think you’re so special because you want to do this? You’re not. You said it. We all think like this.

Some more than others. But in the end, these thoughts visit all of us, and what matters is how you fight against them rather than how your give in!

RALPHE: Goddamn it, you made me miss the peaks!!!

EGBERT: I’m sorry.

RALPHE: Now, I’m going to have to ski down the mountain and start this all over again.

EGBERT: I didn’t mean to— RALPHE: This is already my fourth run today. I told you that.

EGBERT: I know.

RALPHE: With you, I thought I had a real shot. Finally, someone else on his way to the other side. But what do I get? A total amateur. A pre-debutante. Give me those bloody poles back!!!

(RALPHE begins to put on his clothes) EGBERT: Why are you smiling?

RALPHE: No reason.

EGBERT: You seem very happy.

RALPHE: It’s a beautiful day.

EGBERT: But you were about to commit suicide!

RALPHE: That was then. Now we’re going to ski down one of the most beautiful mountains in the world.

EGBERT: You weren’t planning to jump were you?

(Looks.)

RALPHE: It’s hell of a view, Egbert.

EGBERT: Yeah. Hell of a view.

(Blackout.)

END OF PLAY

66 Proscenium Fall 2014

Mai Dang Lao A conversation with the playwright

doesn’t seem like it’s a government manual from halfway around the world. It could easily be ours.

What do you want the audience to come away with?

I definitely want the audience to leave feeling less safe than they did before. It’s easy to dismiss the real life event by saying, “Well, of course something like this happened in Kentucky,” or “It makes sense because they were minimum wage fast food workers” as if abuse and subjugation have geographical or socio-economic boundaries.

What was the most challenging part of David Jacobi, photo by Patrick Weishampel writing this play?

Adapting the real life event while not letting it What was your inspiration for the play? dictate where the play could go. In many drafts, I hope this doesn’t spoil the ending. this play came across like a grotesque post-morThe play was born from two separate ideas. tem. That’s the last thing I wanted. This event is The incident that occurs in the play is based on far from dead; these events are still occurring, true events that occurred in 2004 at a Kentucky and in far more subtle and insidious ways.

McDonalds. A young employee was detained, strip searched, and raped by people who were I tend to lean towards comedic work. While it given instructions by a man over the phone who seems wrong to allow opportunities for an audience to laugh following a horrific scene, I think claimed to be a police officer. it was important to keep the absurdity of the From 2009 to 2012, I lived in China, working in world chugging along. After seeing a reading theatre. During my time there, I learned about of this play, Constance Congdon referred to it a persistent issue. Every city in China has a as “Kevin Smith meets Kafka.” law enforcement division called “Chengguan.”

They’re kind of like traffic cops; enforcing picayune code rather than tackle crime. Some of these officers are extremely violent, hospitalizing and occasionally beating to death migrant workers for petty infractions. One day, their employee manual was leaked online. It’s some scary, troubling stuff; tips on how to beat someone without leaving marks, philosophical statements that cement an “us vs. them” mentality.

I noticed that when translated into English, it

What playwrights have inspired you?

Ionesco, Brecht, Shepard, Thomas Bradshaw, Sarah Kane, Naomi Iizuka, Richard Maxwell, Megan Gogerty, Nick Jones, Gina Gionfriddo, Kathleen Tolan.

Why did you start writing plays?

I think I was always writing plays, as early as the 4th grade. But I was very confused, and thought I was writing short stories or poems or love letters. Once mentors started taking me to Fall 2014 Proscenium 67

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi

shows, I realized what I’ve been trying to do.

What projects are you working on now?

This play is actually the first installment of plays about labor politics in the US and in China. I’m currently working on the third and final play, which is about retirement. I’ve just finished my latest draft of Widower, a pro-wrestling play inspired by David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest.

to see a play that has to end abruptly because a riot broke out in the audience.

What advice do you have for playwrights starting out?

Read. Follow your tastes (especially non-theatre related), and it’ll eventually take you somewhere you want to be. If you’re never fully satisfied, you’re on the right track. Be your strongest advocate. As Naomi Iizuka says, find I’m entering my final year at UC San Diego. your tribe.

My biggest project right now is to find an artistic home once I graduate.

What kind of theatre excites you?

I like the plays that unravel in your head hours after you’ve seen them. The plays that make more sense to you in the first few minutes after waking up, when you’re still shaking out the cobwebs. Polarizing plays. Plays that are either under two hours or over six hours long. I long

Mai Dang Lao is copyright © 2014 by David Jacboi. All inquiries regarding rights shall be sent to info@prosceniumjournal.com and shall be forwarded to the playwright or their agent. Performances of Mai Dang Lao are subject to royalty, and are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries covered by the International Copyright Union. All rights, including professional and amateur productions, staged readings, television, motion picture, radio, translations, photocopies, and all other reproductions of this play are strictly reserved.

Proscenium Submit To

Want to submit to Proscenium Journal? Simply send your play as both a PDF and Word file to submissions@prosceniumjournal.com with the subject “Submission: [Title], [Author.]”

68 Proscenium Fall 2014

Please also send us a 100 word author bio and information about production history (if applicable). We look forward to reading your submissions!

Mai Dang Lao

By David Jacobi

Copyright 2014 David Jacobi

Cast Of Characters

SOPHIE: Female, 16-18. Leaving, in order to do anything else but this.

KARA: Female, Older than Sophie, Younger than Roy. Floor manager slash shift supervisor.

ROY: Male, Older than Sophie, maybe younger than Officer Bill. Inventory supervisor slash branch manager.

MIKE: Male, older than Sophie, younger than Roy. Mike might be a lifer at McDonalds due to indecision.

OFFICER BILL: Male, 40's. Police detective.

NANCY: Female, around Sophie's age. Works here.

Moving up. So that's cool, I guess.

OTHER ROLES: (RECORDED) Voice, Customer #1, Customer #2, Angry Man.

Setting

A McDonalds Fast Food Restaurant in a suburbia you'd love to escape from. Winter.

Louder quieter

Key

Slashes ( / ) denote interruption. When inserted inside dialogue instead of the end of a line, it is meant to be overlapping dialogue.

Regarding Stage Directions: I have left a lot of them out. The majority of the characters in this play are on-the-clock working. McDonalds is a movement-intensive job; at no time is there to be any employee not moving something from here to there, wiping something with a rag, pushing a button.

These actions should be complex, simple, repetitious, and pointless.

Some text has been taken from Chengguan Zhifa Caozuo Shiwu, an employee manual for Chinese city administration enforcement squads.

This story is loosely based on true events.

“One fish swims over to another fish and says, 'Boy, the water's cold today!'

The other fish says, 'What's water?'”

-Unknown

Prologue

(Sophie is sitting on stage. She sits on the floor, cell phone to her face.)

VOICE: Do you think it's okay to be even one minute late to work, even if it's only one time? Do you: STRONGLY AGREE, AGREE, DISAGREE, STRONGLY DISAGREE SOPHIE: strongly disagree VOICE: Was there ever a time where you thought you could steal something, but decided not to?

SOPHIE: no VOICE: How often do you do the following recreational drugs: marijuana, salvia, crack cocaine, MDMA, crystal meth, and/or opiates? Often, Sometimes, Rarely, or Never?

SOPHIE: I...Never?

VOICE: You have no undesirable personal habits. Do you strongly agree, agree, disagree, or strongly disagree?

SOPHIE: I agree.

VOICE: What are your weaknesses? At the tone, list two of your weaknesses.

SOPHIE: perfectionist family history of diabetes VOICE: who ARE you? Are you a dreamer? Are you complicated? Or are you diligent?

SOPHIE: . i'm diligent. i'm very diligent. i work very hard and i don't stop i'm perfect for the job. i think i'm perfect for the job VOICE: Thank you. If you have passed this telephone interview, you will have an opportunity to interview in person in one of our McDonalds locations closest to you. Thank you, and have a wonderful day.

AT THE REGISTERS SOPHIE: Hello, Welcome to McDonalds. How may I help you?

CUSTOMER #1: ...

SOPHIE: Can I interest you in our newest ninety-nine cent menu item, McCheese Marinara sticks?

CUSTOMER #1: All of you are white trash bottom-feeding shitheads.

SOPHIE: I'm...

CUSTOMER #1: You don't recognize me?

SOPHIE: I'm sorry, no.

CUSTOMER #1: Hello? I was just in the drive thru?

SOPHIE: Oh. I don't work in the drive/thruFall 2014 Proscenium 69

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi CUSTOMER #1: Well, you work here and/ (Mike leans out from drivethru) Yeah, you too! Get the fuck over here.

(He does.)

CUSTOMER #1: I'm bout to call the police because you're wasting my fucking precious time That guy over in the first window takes my nine dollars twenty and then you give me a napkin and a fucking straw and close the stupid window in my face.

Now I'm waiting all day for FAST FOOD SOPHIE: I'm sorry/ MIKE: I'm sorry/ CUSTOMER #1: Fuck you. Fucking criminal enterprise. McDumbasses.

(Sophie stifles a laugh.)

CUSTOMER #1: it's not funny, bitch!

(ROY appears.)

ROY: Hello, madam, can I help youCUSTOMER #1: Madam? This isn't the Olive Garden, so stop putting on airs.

ROY: Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?

CUSTOMER #1: The problem is I came to this restaurant for food and you all got me sitting out there like an asshole. Now, I want what I paid for/ ROY: What did you order?

CUSTOMER #1: Number 2 and an apple pie and a nine piece/ SOPHIE: He asked you to pull up to the white line/ ROY: If you pull up to the white line, we'll bring you your food.

CUSTOMER #1: I'm not pulling my car up to any FUCKING WHITE LINE I did that shit last week and I was out there forever what happened to this fucking place? It used to be all about instant gratification, now it's like I gotta grow old watching you idiots assemble a sandwich I'm staying right over there and I'm not moving my car from the window until food gets sent through it.

AND MY COKE DOESN'T COUNT ROY: How long has she been sitting at the window?

(They look at the clock.)

MIKE: Six minutes and thirty seconds/ ROY: Six minutes and thirty seconds...six minutes and thirty seconds...six minutes and thirty seconds...six minutes and thirty seconds...six minutes and thirty seconds...

(Roy takes the time in. He stares, first at each of their faces, and then out, as if staring at himself.)

(Roy tries to come up with the significance to the an70 Proscenium Fall 2014

swer of his question. He is stumbling. Not stupidly, but earnestly lost.)

(Eventually, sadly, he remembers that six minutes and thirty seconds isn't just an arbitrary time, but a lapsed deadline.)

ROY: I'm so sorry, ma'am. I'm terribly sorry. If you can just move to the white line/ CUSTOMER #1: Not an inch/ ROY: If you'll just move up, I'll bring you back your money plus your number two and an apple pie and nine piece and whatever else you want.

CUSTOMER #1: Quarter Pounder. And that fancy fish sandwich And a small cup filled with the Big Mac sauce ROY: Thank you. Have a great day.

CUSTOMER #1: No apology?

(He nudges them.)

SOPHIE: I'm sorry. Have a /nice day.

MIKE: /I'm sorry. Have a nice day.

(She leaves.)

ROY: Guys, what do we go over and over?

SOPHIE: C'mon, she was being/ ROY: /You have ninety seconds from the time they pull up to get them out of the window spot.

SOPHIE: The food wasn't ready/ ROY: I don't care. Move them. You have to move them.

Put them up to the white line.

The clock stops if you move them to the white line and we don't lose our numbers we actually had good numbers, and then we lost those good numbers because we got too confident. And now we're just average and that's terrible. I want to get the numbers back.

SOPHIE: Fucking whore.

ROY: who, me?

SOPHIE: No, her. If I wasn't on shift, I'd pop her jaw.

Gutter trash.

ROY: Don't say that. She's a customer.

SOPHIE: she didn't pay for shit ROY: Not today. But she'll come back by Wednesday, and she'll pay then.

What if these other customers heard you saying that about another customer? Do you think they'd come here? Nope. They'd just head over to the Ronkonkoma location. Where they don't swear at their customers.

SOPHIE: Stupid bitch.

ROY: Stop it.

SOPHIE: No. Fuck her. She's a stupid bitch. If I wasn't such a nice person, I'd grape stomp her face in with my

feet.

ROY: Do you want to take a ten minute break?

SOPHIE: Yeah.

ROY: Go ahead.

(She fills her dixie cup with Sprite.)

SOPHIE: I'm going to go sit down in my mom's Turcel.

(Sophie leaves. KARA walks over, followed by NANCY.) KARA: Would you believe that? Some nerve on that girl.

NANCY: She's a little witch sometimes. But change the

W to a B, am I right? AM I RIGHT?

(Mike goes back to drive thru.)

KARA: If we weren't about to be slammed by the dinner rush I'd send her home.

SOPHIE: (offstage)

IT'S SNOWING!

NANCY: You should make it so she doesn't become assistant manager next month.

KARA: Oh, you didn't hear? She gave her “eight week notice” earlier. “Little miss thing” is going to Suffolk Community College next semester.

NANCY: Phh. Thirteenth grade. Why doesn't she get off the other half of her ass and go to a real college?

KARA: I don't know.

NANCY: Suffolk Community. Place sucks. I went there for two semesters Didn't learn shit Went to bartending school learned a lot more there than I did at suffolk I was a bartender for a few weeks At parsnips, by the lake.

Made good tips but I had to quit yeah I had to come here couldn't bartend anymore because of my Epstein Barr my disorder my uh sleeping disorder/ KARA: /Some people just don't know what their place is moving forward isn't a right for everyone it's a privilege that's what my old manager taught me and he was the best employee McDonalds ever had and now I teach that hopefully i'll be as good as him someday he knew how to get stuff done

when the truck came, that freezer was stocked in no time also taught people how to take this job seriously it's not a joke here. You need to keep your head on straight or your ass is grass. he made great crews. You either learned your place and got in line or you were toast he would have eaten sophie up NANCY: Want to know something about Sophie?

(Kara nods.)

NANCY: Sophie got drunk after Doug Cooper's Superbowl Party and hooked up with Jose from the Farmingville branch and her cousin Susan, who used to work at the Walmart McDonalds Express.

HER OWN COUSIN. Brian Hooper walked in on Jose jerking off, watching Sophie and Susan scissoring each other.

KARA: Her own cousin.

NANCY: She's insatiable.

I mean, it's not above anyone to have an office romance but she's going through the Mac crew like tissue paper KARA: Oh, my. We certainly take on anybody here NANCY: yeah KARA: her own cousin ROY: I don't know...

NANCY: it happened. Everybody was there. Jose had his dick in his hand and everything Marsha Parker broke up with him over it ROY: No, I heard it too, but, I don't know. it's not that bad, considering they're cousins and not sisters. Right?

Right?

NANCY: I don't know, Roy. Ever sucked your cousin's PEEEENIS? (Kara and Nancy laugh. Roy doesn't. From outside in the parking lot, “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal plays loudly from a car stereo with a broken woofer. It's halfway through the song.)

ROY: Nancy. I'm your manager, Nancy. I'm Crew manager slash inventory supervisor you're not allowed to talk to me like that.

KARA: He's right.

NANCY: Sorry. i was just joshing ROY: Also, It was her girl cousin. That makes it less bad too. i mean, think about it it's not real sex. and girls are pretty (most of them I find pretty, I find beauty in everyone because I'm an artist at heart) maybe this is why I hate gay guys, but lesbians are okay with me NANCY: Remember that time that John and Daniel ass Fall 2014 Proscenium 71

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi fucked each other behind the dumpsters?

KARA: They're not gay.

NANCY: No, they're not.

(The chorus to “Kiss from a Rose” hits. Sophie appears in the drive thru window, lip synching, and slow jam grooving. Mike, the recipient of the serenade, joins in.

Sophie floats away. Unamused, Kara sticks her head out of the drive thru window.)

KARA: (out the drive thru window) SOPHIE, YOUR BREAK IS UP! YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL AND NOT GETTING SPECIAL TREATMENT (The music stops.)

ROY: you're being a little harsh KARA: What? I'm her superior for the next few weeks.

I'm not going to let her leave stomping all over our rules and wiping her butt with our management (Sophie reenters, and goes back to register. Kara walks over to Sophie. Nancy follows. Staring happens.)

SOPHIE: what's up KARA: Nothing. (to Nancy) Go ahead.

NANCY: Go restock the fry hopper and work drive-thru with Mike.

MIKE: (offstage) YO SOPHIEEEEEEE LET'S DO THIS SOPHIE: You...um...you're a/ KARA: Nancy is training to be an assistant manager.

NANCY: I've been here for eight months. they're rewarding my tenacity KARA: From now on, just treat Nancy like an assistant manager, like Phil or Gary or Louise or Madge or Jose or the other Phil or Sandra or Stephen or Steve NANCY: I'm one of those people now. I earned it.

SOPHIE: (to Nancy) Can't lift a box that heavy.

KARA: I can.

SOPHIE: Well, you're bigger than I am.

KARA: ...well, I used to be your size, little miss thing, when I started working here I could lift them back then and you could lift them now if you put your back into it and put your head into your work and actually gave a crap about helping your/ crew SOPHIE: /OKAY TERRIFIC (Sophie moves a couple of things around. Kara makes an exaggerated shrug and smirk to others, and exits.

Eventually, Roy comes up to Sophie.)

ROY: Hey, Sophie.

NANCY: I'm

so busy

72 Proscenium Fall 2014

god, there's so much to do around here

(Nancy is speed walking, flat footed, around the stage.

She's dragging her hand on every surface with a rag as she does a million tasks, at speed.)

(She looks at a receipt, fills a cup with ice, looks at the receipt again, sighs, dumps the ice out. Closes a register with a flying knee. Opens every door she can, only to close most of them, while assembling a bag of food.)

SOPHIE: she's just doing that because you're here as soon as you leave she's going to bury her head into that box of fries from the freezer.

ROY: I know you're leaving soon, but I think we should talk.

I'm ready to play hardball with you. are you ready? this is me playing hardball. can you play?

SOPHIE: what? I don't know ROY: just say yes.

SOPHIE: yes ROY: stay SOPHIE: no ROY: why not SOPHIE: because I'm going to school to become a vet ROY: being a vet is for people who fought in wars HA HA DO YOU GET IT SOPHIE: yeah. I want to be someone who fixes animals and pets. that's what i mean by vet ROY: I know what you meant. I was telling a joke BUT ANYWAY...HARDBALL, ARE YOU STILL READY SOPHIE: I'm going to school. I'm gonna take care of animals for a living that's what I wanted to do when I grew up, and now I'm grown up and I'm not doing it so I should get started on that, or else my life is a waste. gonna follow my dream ROY: life's not about dreams. It's not. anyone who tells you that is lying to you it's about responsibility and respect. in here, you've always had both SOPHIE: I respect my vet she reset my cat's dislocated shoulder and dewormed my dog when she had WORMS so, yeah. I want that ROY: I used to be like you we're really quite similar I understand and respect your decision to leave and do a what you think are great things with your life I'm so excited for you I've got amazing things in MY pipe, too

You know?

My music career can take off at any minute my solo artist career, not the stuff I did with my band but in my experience and I've had a lot of experience in the world you're always going to need a backup something to be tethered to because the world is scary and you don't want to fall having a place like this helps you when you work towards your dreams I mean, in the end, you most likely don't reach your dreams but at least you've gone the journey and you still have this place you can always have this, like we do well, I've stayed with it longer, so I have a bit more than most I have this store. I have a restaurant kind of This place is mine. I can say that. in a way.

You're good at this job, and you have a bright future anywhere but mostly here and it starts with attitude and humility and acceptance SOPHIE: I've accepted that I'm going to leave ROY: Look at this.

(Roy pulls out a document.)

ROY: Do you know what this is? this is the document that you think will change your life you signed it. It's your walking papers now I'm SUPPOSED to give this to HR and start the process of taking you off the payroll and crew list BUT I don't have to.

It's not too late.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS. You stay. But NOT AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW YOU STAY AS

ASSISTANT MANAGER

SOUNDS AWESOME, RIGHT SOPHIE: it does it really does I'd make a great assistant manager how would that work with Nancy? She's assistant man-

ager/ ROY: You'll just cancel each other out.

(Roy starts tearing the document.)

SOPHIE: don't please don't do that ROY: you want me to do this you don't want to leave SOPHIE: maybe I don't want to leave but I have to leave also, I think I want to leave ROY: Rght now it's just paper.

Paper. But also potential the potential spills out all over the place once I tear this up I'm going to kill the crap out of this paper just say “tear it, roy.”

SOPHIE: don't tear it, roy ROY: okay have it your way tried to be the nice guy PSYCHE I'm gonna tear it anyway you're going to thank me one day/ (Sophie grabs the paper out of his hands forcibly.)

SOPHIE: NO I kind of made the decision I quit because I knew that once I quit I wasn't going to un-quit ROY: lots of people do that I did that once kara did that/ SOPHIE: /i know i'm sorry last week I realized that I'm not you there's nothing wrong with you there's just something wrong with me being you i kind of like working here but i want to see what else is out there (laughs) why do I feel like I'm breaking up with my boyfriend/ ROY: /I think we should talk about your insubordination SOPHIE: huh?

ROY: I mean, if you're going to leave we might as well clear the air, then to make your final weeks livable for the ones who still work here SOPHIE: oh okay ROY: /You know, when I was staff and this was before I moved up the ranks Fall 2014 Proscenium 73

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi I didn't just do register. I did everything I was asked.

I reloaded the shake machine and changed the fry vats and did the monthly chair wax all one hundred and twenty seats with turtle wax.

SOPHIE: ...

ROY: I didn't just stand there and do register like I was too good to do anything else. this was when I was staff before I became leader SOPHIE: The fry vats make me sick.

I can't go near them without wanting to puke into the oil The milkshake machine makes my teeth wiggle.

I don't know why my but my teeth feel like they want to escape/ ROY: /You should really think hard about how you want to be remembered here you could, one, pretend like you're never going to leave come in, and do the same job you've always done give it your best, make everyone proud and happy to work with you and be remembered as someone we'll all miss, and hope you'll someday come back to us or two, you could stick your nose up at the work we do and pretend you're too sick to do this, and too sick to do that and leave and be remembered as someone we were happy to see go and if and when she ever came back, she would have to work extra hard just to regain respect and admiration from others which way would you want it?

SOPHIE: .

I think I'd rather not be remembered at all.

(He thinks he can pity her. He goes for a hug. She goes along with it.)

SOPHIE: (to Mike) MIKE MIKE: YEAH SOPHIE: LET'S WORK, BITCHES (Roy leaves. Nancy puts her face against the frozen cardboard box) NANCY: ohhhhhhhhhh MY FACE IT JUST NEEDS THIS SOMETIMES 74 Proscenium Fall 2014

DRIVE-THRU MIKE: Can I tell you a secret?

SOPHIE: I don't know.

MIKE: I want to tell you a secret.

SOPHIE: Okay. Tell me a secret.

MIKE: I am HIGH. right now.

SOPHIE: That's not a secret that's never a secret MIKE: Okay. Then I'll tell you a better secret.

I used to think TKO meant “TOTAL KNOCK OUT.” SOPHIE: I don't know what TKO/ is supposed to mean.

MIKE: /it means when you're boxing some dude and you keep knocking him down and he keeps getting up you eventually say he's the loser and give him a Technical Knock Out even though he's working his ass off it's a stupid rule little bitches invented so boxers would stop dying in the ring SOPHIE: Oh. MIKE: That was a shit secret. Give me a sec.

SOPHIE: okay.

MIKE: I have no secrets.

SOPHIE: Okay.

MIKE: I broke up with my girlfriend. Is that a secret?

SOPHIE: I didn't know that.

MIKE: Okay. There you go.

SOPHIE: Why'd you break up with her?

MIKE: I don't know. She said I work at McDonalds and shit.

I did everything for that bitch she said I was a burnout, so I quit smoking but then she hooked up with this DJ who works at Fishbone MAN why are there still DJ's in the world they press play on CD players and shit I mean, I've done that and nobody's blowing me for putting on a Black Eyed Peas album DJs are needed for sweet 16's and that's also roller rinks but we don't have those anymore

fuck DJs

they can't play any instruments, and got

NO SKILLS

I quit weed for that bitch now I'm smoking again

it

and I don't even care SOPHIE: I smoked a couple of times it didn't really work MIKE: You got cheap shit. my weed is crazy I got this weed strain, “Drops of Jupiter” . cause once you take it you wont need another hit for like, 12 years IT WOULD MAKE YOU FULLY RETARDED they wouldn't even let you work here you'd be numb to the world and a chore to be around .

You quit working here?

SOPHIE: Yeah. I gave my two months notice.

MIKE: Why? SOPHIE: I'm going to go to school.

MIKE: You can do both.

SOPHIE: I don't know. Not really.

MIKE: What about money? Books are expensive.

SOPHIE: I think I'd rather be poor than be the girl at college who works at McDonalds.

MIKE: Yeah. they try to keep you working here anyway?

to try our yogurt McBlurry Blast/ err..mmm How can I help you?

(The sounds that come out are technically words. It does not sound reminiscent of any country's language.

It's coming from a human being, most likely. More than one? But distorted. Altered. Repetitive. It almost hurts her ears. ) SOPHIE: hello?

(It continues until the other line hangs up.)

(Sophie walks out, assembles a happy meal. Takes it into the BREAK ROOM.) (Sophie is eating from a happy meal box.)

(Kara, followed by Nancy, enter the break room.)

KARA: Sophie?

SOPHIE: ...

NANCY: Sophie?

KARA: Sophie?

SOPHIE: Yeah?

KARA: What are you eating?

SOPHIE: hamburger (She holds up a hamburger.)

SOPHIE: I don't like onions, pickles or cheese. Well, I like cheese, but not the cheese here or the meat SOPHIE: OH MY GOD, THEY WON'T so STOP. it's a grilled cheese sandwich does it EVER work? without cheese MIKE: (sadly) . . (icky sound at realization) Yeah. it's hot bread with ketchup (Sophie understands what he means.)

KARA: Sophie.

SOPHIE: I have a secret.

SOPHIE: What?

You know how you're not supposed to stick Q-tips in KARA: Sophie. your ear canal? I go all the way in.

SOPHIE: ...

MIKE: Me too. I just go crazy.

KARA: ... (long pause.)

SOPHIE: What? I'm working a nine hour. I'm allowed SOPHIE: every time I clean my ears, it's like I'm having one and a half meals. an eighth of an orgasm.

KARA: That's not the issue.

(MANAGER ROOM.) SOPHIE: Small sandwich, small fries, small fanta (Everyone changes stations.)

NANCY: The rules don't say anything about a Happy (Sophie mops.)

Meal.

(The phone rings.)

SOPHIE: (sigh.)

SOPHIE: (the phone is ringing) THE PHONE Come on.

THE PHONE KARA: Those boxes are inventoried. They cost the HELLO store a/ THE PHONE IS RINGING SOPHIE: /a percentage of a cent/ (She picks it up.)

KARA: /and did you put a toy in it?

SOPHIE: Hello, welcome to McDonalds, what you like SOPHIE: Well, It IS Happy Meal.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 75

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi KARA: The Happy Meal is a special... uh mm nnnn premium item for paying customers.

You can't just make one for yourself. Give me the toy. (she shows her the toy.)

SOPHIE: It's Mulan.

From a long time ago from when I was seven jesus seven (beat) seven oh my god, seven years old . huh. .

I found it in the stock room behind the fire extinguisher.

KARA: It's not yours to give to yourself.

SOPHIE: ...

KARA: You know, last year at the Macy's in Smith Haven Mall, the janitors had to throw out the Summer collection of dishes.

Break them, and throw them into the dumpster.

But instead, they kept them. Do you know what happened?

Boom.

Fired.

Twelve people, most of em just got their green card.

Out on their asses. Did you know about that?

SOPHIE: I don't watch the news.

KARA: They wouldn't put that on the news. Because outside people don't understand that it still counts as stealing.

SOPHIE: that's terrible you can't steal garbage NANCY: yeah you can it's a liability thing yeah like, you didn't buy the summertime china plates but if you brought the summertime china plates home and then they, like if you got cut on them you could sue the people who threw them out for cutting you up SOPHIE: on...on a dinner plate?

NANCY: Abercrombie and Fitch shreds their clothes before throwing them in a dumpster so homeless people can't strangle each other with them 76 Proscenium Fall 2014

(Nancy tries to retort, but she doesn't know what there is to say. She struggles, and then looks at Kara with her arms out to Nancy and her whole body is saying, “What the fuck is she talking about?”)

NANCY: (in response to nothing) pppf, whatever.

KARA: Give us the happy meal, Sophie.

SOPHIE: .

NANCY: Give us the happy meal, Sophie.

(Sophie pulls the bag of fries out of the box. Takes a bite of the burger, throws the rest in the box. Puts the toy in, and pushes the box off the table with her drink. Nancy picks it up. Kara just feigns shock.)

KARA: Are you being insubordinate?

SOPHIE: .

KARA: You can't just go monkey wild and do whatever you want it's not Doug Cooper's superbowl party (Beats. Nancy wants to disappear. Sophie is staring at a corner of the break room. Even Kara feels a little bad.

Sophie looks at Kara.)

SOPHIE: give me two dollars.

KARA: wut SOPHIE: Give. Me Two. Dollars.

KARA: Why? SOPHIE: I had to punch out because I'm on my half hour lunch break and you're forcing me to be in the same room as you and I'm not doing it for free so give me two dollars NANCY: What? kara, she's being weird does that count as insubordination/ KARA: Two dollars? (thinking) you make...six twenty an hour and I've only been in here for two or three minutes, so I/ (Sophie kicks a nearby chair in frustration.)

(Roy enters.)

ROY: What's going on here?

NANCY: I don't know sophie's being weird she stole a happy meal toy and she just tried to mug kara ROY: Sophie? .

She's not saying anything/ KARA: Can we just let her leave without the eight week notice?

ROY: NO If that happened, she'd have to leave with a bad refer-

ence that's a fate worse than death Kara, could you/ KARA: /you're not my boss you can't tell me what to do ROY: I'm intervening/ KARA: You're inventory supervisor slash branch manager I'm floor manager slash shift supervisor you're out of your jurisdiction obviously ROY: . uhhhh ! as branch manager I'm supposed to intervene and mediate conflicts regardless of rank so this qualifies/ KARA: Fine. As shift supervisor, I allow it.

ROY: .

Okay.

Rules state we need to reach a resolution or this has to be written up as an incident Sophie, Kara FEELS/ KARA: You're supposed to represent management and since I'm management you need to address the the the the... insubordination/ ROY: I'm being impartial/ KARA: You can't. It's technically a write-up-able offence, so before mediation/ ROY: Yeah, but this is during high volume hours, so the rules state/ SOPHIE: /BE QUIET! ROY: hey.

Respect me.

SOPHIE: leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone I have three minutes left on my break and I don't...I just...

I just want I don't know what I want but I just need to not talk right now ROY: Hey, aww.

HEEYYYY it's okay. It's alright/ (Roy goes to Sophie. Tries to hug her. She pushes Roy off of her.)

SOPHIE: stop doing that i don't want you hugging me

stop touching me you're not allowed to touch me (Embarrassed, Roy leaves. He walks out.)

SOPHIE: I hope you die here.

KARA AND NANCY Me? (Sophie nods.)

(Kara leaves. Nancy remains for a moment, looking at Sophie and hoping that Sophie doesn't turn her eyes to her.)

DRIVE THRU (Roy walks over to Mike.)

ROY: (speaking with agitation.)

Music's pretty good. the MUZAK, I mean First form of satellite radio MIKE: yeah ROY: not bad.

Not as good as Metallica, though.

MIKE: I guess.

ROY: Do you know Metallica?

MIKE: Yeah, of course I know Metallica.

ROY: Do you like them?

MIKE: Not really.

I don't hate them but I don't love them it's just not my thing I don't know what I like ROY: They're geniuses.

They are massive geniuses I mean, they're technically classified as heavy metal so with that comes, you know, this idea that they're drunks and maniacs and satanic rebels and they are but did you know that their IQ's are at the level of Mozart?

MIKE: no ROY: Same intelligence level. they tested them and then put those tests against what Mozarts IQ would be MIKE: This is all awesome.

ROY: Did you know that Metallica's song “Orion” is the most complex song ever written? It has three hundred and twelve melodic changes.

MIKE: I didn't know that.

ROY: do you know what melodic changes are? they're sometimes called “Vivaldi shifts.”

MIKE: nope ROY: I know what you're thinking.

Fall 2014 Proscenium 77

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi That I don't look like a guy who knows that much about Metallica, right?

Because I've got a tie and this mustache, I shouldn't know about JAMES HETFIELD or the “KILL EM ALL” album.

Do you know that I have the bootleg of their entire St. Anger tour?

MIKE: Nope.

ROY: I don't look like I do.

But I do.

MIKE: Great.

ROY: could use some Metallica right now some heavy metal to get rid of this rage MIKE: yeah, you sound pretty angry I was just going to say that ROY: You know, I TRY. I really do I try to be a good manager to be not just everyone's boss but their friend You know?

I don't know.

MIKE: yeah, man ROY: it's just, you know I don't know SOPHIE: she's got a huge attitude problem and I'm trying to be a good guy just trying to get in her head, so I can be a better friend and she's pushing me away I'm not sad you know I'm a professional but she's pushing me aw/ay MIKE: /oh sorry ROY: It's not your fault she's just got such a HUGE chip on her shoulder.

MIKE: fuck it, man let it go no use stressing it ROY: yeah, you're right FUCK /HER MIKE: /I didn't say that I said fuck IT. /IT. ROY: /Maybe it's good she's leaving MIKE: Yeah Maybe it is ROY: After all I've done for her and all I was going to do for her if she would just swal78 Proscenium Fall 2014

low her pride and stay she's so stuck up and all this, after I stopped the girls from talking about how she fucked all those people at Doug's Superbowl party MIKE: I don't know NOTHING about that leave me out of all that ROY: you know I was at Doug's Superbowl Party because I'm friends with Doug and all those guys (I get invited to all those parties) I didn't even know it was going on I didn't know she was taking on a bunch guys in the other room I had no idea/ MIKE: ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh ROY: I know, I know I'm just sick of being a nice guy, you know? I don't/ (Sounds of a fight outside.)

ANGRY MAN: (OS) man oh, you motherfuckers FUCK YOU BOTH FUCK YOU NO FUCK YOU I'M SO MAD I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING THE SUCKER WHO ALWAYS BUYS THE FUCKING NINE PIECE NUGGETS I WANT THEM SO BAD AND THEN WHEN I GET THEM YOU ALWAYS FUCKING EAT HALF OF THEM NEXT TIME YOU GET THE FUCKING NINE PIECE AND WE'LL SEE HOW YOU FEEL WHEN I TAKE MY UNFAIR SHARE (Roy looks out of the drive thru window.)

ROY: there's a man in the parking lot he's beating up men who won't or can't fight back this is terrible so violent and strange wow look at him he's a man he fights MIKE: he's running away ROY: yes look at him go

MANAGER ROOM (The phone rings. Kara picks it up.)

KARA: Thanks for calling McDonalds/ BILL: Yeah, hi. Who am I talking to?

KARA: This is Kara, who am I speaking to/ BILL: I'm Detective Officer Bill Wildon, Suffolk County Police Department 119. I'm calling regarding an ongoing criminal investigation. Are you an acting manager?

KARA: Yes. What/ BILL: /Were you aware that there is a crime in progress going on right now at your McDonalds location?

KARA: No, not at all/ BILL: Persistent criminal activity.

Perpetual state of illicit environment liable incarcerated culpable injunction misdemeanor immunity awareness incarcerate KARA: Am...am I in trouble?

BILL: I'm not at liberty to say right now. You've got bad people swarming around in there. Just trying to figure out how many are over there.

KARA: Oh, no.

BILL: Relax. Calm down. There's a chance you have nothing to do with this investigation, and are completely free from wrongdoing.

KARA: I am free from all...illicit... activity. I haven't done anything bad, ever BILL: Well, maybe you can assist us in this case. That would be good for you.

KARA: Okay, sure.

BILL: I'm currently investigating one of your employees. For the past six hours she's been shortchanging a large percentage of the customers probably pocketing the money. This happens from time to time we don't know how many customers she's done this to but from the victims we've spoken to, she's gotten away with quite a bit. we were going to arrest her earlier but we didn't but we're ready now KARA: What do I have to do just tell me and I'll do it BILL: We can't get a unit in there right now you're aware of consistent drug activity in your area am I right?

KARA: I don't know. Yes? I don't do drugs I'm allergic to marijuana I didn't try it

my doctor told me that/ BILL: the Drug Enforcement Agency currently is working on an undercover bust a few blocks away from your location we can't go over there. It might muck up their bust.

I can have patrollers over to you in a few hours but for now you need to make a citizen's arrest does your manager's office have a locked door?

KARA: Of course. It's where the safe is.

BILL: You need to bring her in the back and detain her.

KARA: What then?

BILL: I'll give you instructions when the moment calls for it. But I need you to be compliant, and do exactly as I say.

KARA: I can do that.

BILL: Great. What's your name again?

KARA: Kara Conroy.

BILL: Kara. Thanks, Kara.

KARA: You're welcome, officer.

THE REGISTERS KARA: Hey Sophie.

SOPHIE: hey KARA: How's the register tonight?

SOPHIE: fine KARA: is the final count going to line up?

SOPHIE: yeah, no problem.

KARA: because it has to stay within twenty cents. Can't be missing more than that.

SOPHIE: I know. It's not a problem. It's really easy math.

KARA: yeah, easy not like, college, right?

SOPHIE: I don't know haven't attended yet still got the summer KARA: are you excited?

SOPHIE: I guess KARA: What are you going there to be again?

SOPHIE: a vet KARA: is that so i was more interested in the psychology program there SOPHIE: you went there?

KARA: no I mean, I was there visiting my boyfriend I had a boyfriend who went there and I was thinking of signing up for some classes but at the last second I chose not to because I had a good thing going SOPHIE: where?

Fall 2014 Proscenium  79

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi KARA: here. so. if I were to check your balance, it'll be fine?

SOPHIE: would you like to check it now?

KARA: there's no need for that, no. so, books are expensive, right?

SOPHIE: yeah KARA: I think college is stupid.

And a waste of time.

SOPHIE: Yeah.

People here keep saying that but I want to see for myself, you know?

I kind of don't want to work here for the rest of my life.

I'd kill myself. no offense KARA: no, that's fair. (beat) College.

Real expensive. How are you going to pay for them?

SOPHIE: huh?

KARA: The books.

SOPHIE: I saved up some.

KARA: oh yeah?

SOPHIE: yeah. and my stepdad is going to help and my dad is going to help next semester maybe and I'll figure it out KARA: Where'd you get the money for this semester, though? and also those shoes SOPHIE: What?

KARA: SOPHIE: We both know what I'm talking about SOPHIE: SOPHIE: you know what you're talking about I don't have a fucking clue KARA: Sophie.

Is there anything you want to tell me?

SOPHIE: (giant sigh) KARA: Okay.

YOU'RE UNDER CITIZEN'S ARREST SOPHIE: WHAT KARA: Keep your hands where I can see them don't make this difficult on yourself you're in enough trouble as it is SOPHIE: since when is thinking you're a stupid bitch a crime?

KARA: come with me right now police are on their way you're in a massive amount of trouble.

80 Proscenium Fall 2014

SOPHIE: for what? god, you're just...

I'm calling my step-dad KARA: I think you should call you know your lawyer. now follow me and I don't want to see any sudden movements I've been deputized by the Suffolk County Police Department precinct....

714 and you're aware that I am a black belt from all those ninjitsu classes I take so I could take you down and it would be ... sanctioned by the police force get moving MANAGER ROOM (Kara is on the phone. Sophie is standing near the safe.)

KARA: 36 Ocean Ave, Bohemia, NY, 11BILL: yeah, yeah, got it. thanks KARA: thank YOU BILL: thank ME? For what?

KARA: for keeping us all safe all the time you don't get enough credit you're all heroes .

I hated it when 9/11 happened BILL: Thank you. That means a lot.

SOPHIE: Where are the police? are they coming?

KARA: I'm on the phone with them right now SOPHIE: I want to talk to them put me on the phone KARA: (to BILL) She wants to talk to you BILL: no KARA: why not?

BILL: I don't need to explain myself to you, but I will.

I'm not there.

You're there.

KARA: Got it/ BILL: /Not yet, you don't.

Since you're there, you're in charge

well I'm in charge of this investigation but you are acting on my behalf if you start giving her the phone, you're not in charge, you're just holding a phone.

KARA: I don't want to just hold a phone/ SOPHIE: give me the phone (Kara gets super grabby with the phone.)

KARA: No you're not allowed to have the phone, only I can have the/ BILL: /stop responding to her she's out of this she's not able to get to where we are SOPHIE: I promise, I didn't do anything BILL: ignore her KARA: really?

BILL: she'll just keep repeating the same thing over and over until you let her go and then she'll try to find a way to sue you and McDonalds too do you want that?

there's an easier way. take her shoes and socks and her keys take them to your car KARA: Oh I don't know BILL: What don't you know I don't get it what do you mean, “I don't know?”

KARA: I don't know that kind of brings me into this, doesn't it?

BILL: Of course it does.

It means you're helping me detain her KARA: Can I do that, though? maybe I don't have to take her things I put her under citizens' arrest that's enough, right?

BILL: No it's not enough it's not close to enough KARA: I mean, II know a little bit about/ BILL: /Okay, Kara.

You need to listen to me KARA: oh, NO BILL: Just listen. In a few minutes she'll start spouting we need to bring another person in on this.

KARA: from the precinct? off some legal BS she saw on TV. BILL: no, from your restaurant.

SOPHIE: aren't I allowed to talk to someone?

KARA: oh BILL: there you go.

BILL: is there anyone there that you trust? do you have handcuffs?

KARA: no KARA: no BILL: Say the sentence “No, I don't have any hand- I don't trust anyone here BILL: I find that hard to believe. cuffs.” no one you trust?

I want her to hear that not even a little?

KARA: No, I don't have any handcuffs.

KARA: Not even a little.

(Kara looks over at Sophie.)

BILL: We'll make due. Are there any other managers on KARA: Why don't you have a seat duty?

(Sophie sits.)

KARA: just me and roy KARA: (to Bill) Okay BILL: Roy. Is he your boss? what happens now?

KARA: What? No. do I call her parents?

I'm the floor manager slash shift supervisor BILL: No it's a position that's fairly high up not yet Roy is the that just gets things complicated inventory supervisor slash branch manager/ she can call them from jail BILL: /who would you say is the head superior? we need to detain her KARA: I don't know KARA: isn't that what we're doing maybe it's us BILL: not really I'd say that she can still run BILL: Okay.

KARA: I can stop her KARA: Nancy I know ninjitsu we can get Nancy in here BILL: no, no, NO Fall 2014 Proscenium 81

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi she's a trainee assistant front manager she's directly under me I maybe could trust her BILL: I don't know how to say this without sounding terrible but I need to get a man in there and swap you out KARA: why I thought I was but wait i if you when but hold on I mean wait I was doing what you wanted me to I was helping you you needed my help BILL: I did and now I need Roy's help I need someone to do what I say without question KARA: I can do that it's what I was just doing BILL: I asked you to do that one thing before and you didn't do it you were balking I can't have someone balk on me and that's why I'm going to work with someone else from here on out he won't balk KARA: I'm not a balker BILL: ehhhh, kind of KARA: I'm not, though I'm a go getter you can't be a balker and make it as far as I have you have to be a go-getter here or you wouldn't survive BILL: I know but this is police work this can get rough it's not that you can't do it you were great KARA: are you sure?

BILL: yes you did an amazing job 82 Proscenium Fall 2014

I was very impressed you handled yourself so well (Sophie pulls out her cell phone and starts dialing.)

KARA: Uh, UH UH she's dialing her cell phone, is she allowed to do that/ BILL: NO. GET IT. KARA: GIVE ME THE PHONE! GIVE ME THE PHONE! (Sophie isn't really scared, but weirded out. Kara was way too loud. Kara relaxes.)

KARA: I understand that you have questions and they will be addressed at a later time but for now the police want me to...apprehend your phone.

(Sophie sighs, and gives it up. Kara picks up the phone.)

KARA: Got it.

BILL: Thank you. Don't worry. No matter what happens, you're still in the loop. Okay?

KARA: Okay, great.

BILL: and Kara?

You are an excellent woman THE REGISTERS (Kara walks over to Roy. She's holding the office phone receiver. The cord dangles.)

KARA: Do you have your office keys on you?

ROY: of course I do. did you lock yourself out/ KARA: /you need to go to the office ROY: you need me? someone needs me?

KARA: i didn't say that it wasn't my decision to be honest, I don't need you at all i'm fine ROY: who?

KARA: I don't know. I don't understand. this is stupid.

I want you to take care of it (Kara looks at Nancy and Mike. Mike is on the phone.)

KARA: (to Roy) Come over here I have to debrief you on the situation

IT'S NOT FOR THEM TO HEAR THEY'RE NOT INVOLVED IN THIS ALSO, MIKE'S ON THE PHONE.

ROY: oh, I didn't see that MIKE, GET OFF THE PHONE KARA: GET OFF THE PHONE, MIKE YOU'RE NOT BEING PAID TO MAKE PHONE CALLS YOU'RE GOING TO GET WRITTEN UP

(the sentence crumbles, over-enunciated, the words are just sounds and hold no meaning) SUSPENSION DOCK PAY GROUNDS FOR DISMISSAL BAD REFERENCE OSTRACIZE EXILE STRIPPED WARNING GARNISHED WAGES RETRAINING REEDUCATION TERMINATED MIKE: those are just a bunch of angry sounds I didn't get that at all (Mike slowly gives a “hold on” gesture.)

KARA: ARE YOU KIDDING ME I'M YOUR DIRECT SUPERIOR/ ROY: I'm his direct superior/ KARA: /IF I SAY GET OFF THE PHONE, MIKE YOU GET OFF THE PHONE, MIKE MIKE: MAN, RELAX Give me a second There's no cars, and no customers it's dead. Let me finish this or fire me which you won't because who else is going to work til'

TWO- A-FUCKING-M on Saturdays?

(Kara and Roy leave.)

MIKE: (to phone) sorry just sounds nothing but angry sounds YEAH I'll get there around nine I got to pick up the HUGE LOADED WATERMELON SERIOUSLY I've been cutting holes into the rind for a week and draining bottles of everclear into it it takes a long time but I got three bottles in it and stuck that bitch in the FREEZER IT IS SATURATED One slice per partygoer, yo OR ELSE THEY'LL DIE So yeah, I'll catch you then yup. Bye. (Nancy walks over to Mike.)

NANCY: who's that?

MIKE: My friend.

NANCY: Sounded like JP. MIKE: nah wasn't JP. you don't know this guy this was my friend Chad NANCY: From Lindenhurst?

MIKE: no/ NANCY: which branch?

MIKE: no branch NANCY: what does he do?

MIKE: he works for Harrods he sells pools, and makes commission which would be crazy if we got to do that here I'd make everyone buy the expensive ass fish sandwiches and retire early NANCY: when's the party?

MIKE: tomorrow at Chad's house he has a place near sound beach I'm co-running this party with him NANCY: any crew going to be there?

MIKE: No NANCY: oh okay (Mike notices Nancy's disappointment. She's selling it pretty well.)

MIKE: I don't know I thought about it But, like, I realized that I ONLY go to McDonalds people parties and then I go to sleep and then I wake up and then I come and work here. Kinda want to move away from that NANCY: can I come?

(Mike waits to answer.)

MIKE: I don't know. can I say no this one time?

NANCY: I know, I know, you don't want it to be a McDonalds party so just invite me only me and then it won't be MIKE: Yeah, BUT if I invite YOU, then I have to invite KARA and then for some reason Roy will show up and then it's a McDonalds party and I don't think I can live with that NANCY: why would you have to invite Kara?

(Mike looks at Nancy.)

NANCY: why would you say that?

MIKE: you know, it's just

FUCK

I don't know you two are really tight, you know? It's weird.

NANCY: she's our boss, she's close to everyone MIKE: she's not close to me Fall 2014 Proscenium 83

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi she doesn't like me she hates Roy and she's treating Sophie like shit/ NANCY: Sophie's leaving also, you don't know this, but earlier, in the break room, Sophie was being INSUBORDINATE MIKE: Oh. I didn't know that.

NANCY: well, you're not “IN THE KNOW” because you just sit in your little corner and don't socialize and when people try to socialize with you and try to get close, you stick your nose up at everyone it's like you don't want to be cool and that's why you're not “in the know.”

MIKE: I don't want to be “in the know” I just want to clock in and clock out and buy a car next year and do donuts in the parking lot as I leave (put my car on a ferry and move to England) that's just one plan, I got others I don't want to sit around and talk shit and make friends with everyone I work with because THEN I NEVER REALLY CLOCK OUT NANCY: so Kara and I can't be friends?

MIKE: you guys aren't friends NANCY: well we're work friends MIKE: I think you're cool, I really do but I kind of thought you were cooler before you started working here NANCY: you didn't know me before I started working here MIKE: I know but now you're not as cool because you're starting to sound like Kara NANCY: She says she's “grooming” me I can be a manager and eventually have my own store just like her MIKE: yeah you can own a store just like her (Mike goes back to work lifting something, and putting it back down.)

NANCY: WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER UP YOURS EFF YOU AND YOUR STUPID PARTY 84 Proscenium Fall 2014

bunch of potheads doing POT oh yeah, GOOD TIMES HAVE FUN THERE, GUY MIKE: yeah, yeah NANCY: no, have fun it'll be awesome OH, WAIT, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE MIKE: Man, even if I invited you, you still couldn't come because tomorrow you're supposed to be jumping up into Kara's ass all day (Nancy takes a cup of ice. Spits in it. Throws it at Mike.)

MIKE: I deserved that a little NANCY: Eff you.

MIKE: I'm/ NANCY: Eff you.

MIKE: I'm sorry . hi. hi.

I'm sorry. hi.

(He waits to start over. She doesn't let him. He leaves.)

KARA: okay I got you Roy is there something else I can help you with?

I want to be helping you BILL: well, have you changed your mind about how I need you to/ KARA: yes I don't know what happened there. It was a misfire/ BILL: okay take her shoes and socks do it this time perps aren't complete idiots they won't run away if you take their shoes not in this weather they're stupid, but they're not that stupid KARA: “BUT THEY'RE

PID.” HAHAHA

You're right you're really right.

I'll put them in my car put them in my car and lock it BILL: good. go get em (She goes over to Sophie.)

KARA: Where are your keys?

(Sophie gives them to her.)

KARA: Shoes and socks.

NOT THAT STU-

no jibberjabber, this is what the police said.

(Kara takes her shoes and socks off of Sophie.)

SOPHIE: Kara. Kara. Kara. Stop taking my things, Kara.

KARA: just listen to the officer this is out of our hands (Kara leaves.)

SOPHIE: Roy, Kara's not telling me anything, and I didn't/ ROY: uuhhhhh, hold on. It's the police. (on phone) Hello, welcome to McDonalds, how may/ BILL: Is this Roy? ROY: yes it is. May I ask who is calling?

BILL: Detective Bill Wildon. Have you been briefed on the situation?

ROY: Um, yeah.

BILL: “Um, yeah,” or “Yes?” ROY: yes I'm sorry yes BILL: How are you doing tonight, Roy? ROY: I'm fine we're a little backed up but I'm fine BILL: just trying to relax you you seem nervous ROY: Oh, no, I'm not nervous this is just the way I talk BILL: okay guy you're my guy on the inside I can't be there so I need you to handle this are you my guy?

ROY: I'm your guy.

BILL: Good. Great. Let's work.

The suspect. How does she look?

ROY: She looks good.

BILL: That's not what I'm asking. How is she standing?

Where are her arms? are they folded?

What angle is her chin? is she making eye contact with you?

These are very important questions.

ROY: I don't know she looks like she always looks.

BILL: which is what?

ROY: I don't know BILL: “I don't know,” he says ROY: wait I'm sorry

BILL: just do me a favor don't make the same mistake your boss made/ ROY: she's not my boss, I'm her/ BILL: /just think a second before spouting off “I DON'T KNOW.” it's a knee jerk reaction you guys seem to do you say “I don't know” before you know if you know or not know no one in the world should do that no one should talk like that ROY: yes sir BILL: Do you have a camera phone?

ROY: yes. it's an app.

I'm an owner of apple products/ BILL: what's your number? give me your number (Roy looks at Sophie, then whispers into the phone.)

BILL: I'm sending you a text ROY: got it BILL: I want to know what she looks like I want you to text me her picture BUT LISTEN don't let her pose for it don't let her know what you're going to do do it quick; don't let her react catch her offguard with this, and everything else we do it's how we're going to work (Roy swings his phone up, quickly snaps a picture of Sophie.)

SOPHIE: hey ROY: got it. sending it sending it it's sent (beats) BILL: look at that typical I'm sorry to say things like this I really am but I'm looking at a serious level EC ROY: What's that mean?

BILL: Entitled Cunt.

She's not going to do us any favors like this she'll just stand there and excrete noncompliance without a police presence there we can't really do much about that tell me, Roy what do you guys do over there?

Fall 2014 Proscenium 85

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi WOY YOY YOY YOY, YOY YOY-YOY YOY YOY! (Kara and Nancy watch Mike.)

KARA: what, is he a hip hopper now?

NANCY: yeah, I guess WHATEVER keep dreaming buddy am I right?

I mean, last week he's saying how he's going to be a cop someday KARA: HA HA HA Okay there, guy could you imagine what that would be like? there's trouble, and you call the police and Mike shows up to help you?

HE'D PROBABLY FORGET WHAT HE WAS DOING (They laugh. Mike looks over.)

MIKE: Really?

(Kara playfully pushes Nancy.)

KARA: DO YOU HAVE A BOY NANCY: no KARA: playing the field, are we?

NANCY: HA HA HA I DON'T KNOW ROY: GET IN THE CORNER KARA: HA HA HA (She does.)

YOU LITTLE BITCH BILL: tell her it's the wrong corner/ what about Curtis ROY: /WRONG CORNER! WRONG NANCY: who's Curtis?

KARA: he's from the Port Jefferson Branch CORNER! (Sophie quickly goes to the other corner of the office.) he comes here every few weeks as an alternate he's assistant district stock manager now BILL: How does she look? he's the black guy Take a picture and send it NANCY: oh, okay You can take your time with it (Roy takes time to line up and take a photo of Sophie, yeah, he's cute KARA: are you into black guys who looks a bit scared and confused.)

NANCY: I don't know BILL: see?

I'm not AGAINST black guys better.

I don't know that's a far more accurate picture you know?

AT THE REGISTERS I don't know (Mike is texting and singing.)

MIKE: I'M JUST A BUFFALO SOLIDER IN THE KARA: Yeah.

NANCY: But. HEART OF AMERICA STOLEN FROM AFRICA, BROUGHT TO AMERI- I mean ANYONE'S better than MIKE, right?

CA SAID HE WAS FIGHTING ON ARRIVAL, FIGHT- KARA: HA HA HA YOU'RE TOO MUCH ING FOR SURVIVAL SAID HE WAS A BUFFALO SOLDIER WIN THE NANCY: WATCH THIS (They do bits of work. Nancy walks over to Mike.)

WAR FOR AMERICA DREADIE, WOY YOY YOY, YOY YOY-YOY YOY, (During the conversation she occasionally looks over WOY YOY YOY YOY, YOY YOY-YOY YOY YOY! to Kara, to see if she's watching.)

DREADIE, WOY YOY YOY, YOY YOY-YOY YOY, (In the manager room, Sophie is being asked to shake ROY: what do you mean?

BILL: I mean, come on you hire anyone off the street ROY: well, we have standards we're not wal-mart BILL: yeah, but it isn't like you exclusively hire boy scouts and promise keepers how do you rein in the unruly how do you keep the riff-raff in line keep the idiots at bay herd the sheep ROY: I don't know I have my strategies and the corporate office trains us to, you know, what you said but I don't know BILL: Okay, here's what we're going to do.

Repeat after me EXACTLY. Tell her to stand in the corner.

ROY: Sophie, stand in the corner.

BILL: ROY, YELL IT OUT

86 Proscenium Fall 2014

her clothing around, and jump up and down.)

NANCY: HIIIII MIKE: hi NANCY: how are you doing?

MIKE: I'm alright how are you?

NANCY: better now you're a nice guy I think it's cool that you want to be a police officer and that you have a daughter that shows how dependable you can be I like that (Mike smiles, gets back to work.)

NANCY: before you go to the party do you want to hang out? Just get coffee.

MIKE: okay NANCY: OH WAIT I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT TO HA HA HA HA HA (Mike just stares at Nancy while she laughs loudly. She realizes her stupid cruelty halfway through the laughing and it turns into something sad.)

(Kara walks over.)

KARA: What happened?

NANCY: leave me alone I want to be by myself KARA: MIKE: WHAT DID YOU SAY TO NANCY NANCY: shut up KARA: Excuse me?

(Nancy walks away.)

(Kara does some sort of twitchy eye roll/shrug movement, as if to bring Mike in on the joke. Mike cleans while exiting.)

MANAGER ROOM (Sophie is doing some sort of body routine, puffing out her shirt, pulling the cuffs of her pants up, turning around, shaking, lifting her arms up, as if to dislodge something.)

ROY: okay, that's fine BILL: What was all that?

ROY: It's our security protocol. We call it “Tops and Tails Loot Sweep.” It's corporate policy. It's how we handle possible theft.

BILL: Oh. That's not going to work. Maybe if she stole, I don't know, the ketchup packets or a Beanie Baby, but we're talking close to five hundred dollars here.

Just strip her down, Roy ROY: Oh. Okay. Hold on a second BILL: Why? ROY: I can't do that. I'm going to get Kara.

SOPHIE: OKAY What are you talking about on the phone?

BILL: Why? ROY: I can't ... (looks at Sophie) strip search her BILL: Why not?

ROY: I'm a boy and she's a girl I'll go get someone/ BILL: If you leave that room, she'll dump the money somewhere in the office.

Then we won't have a case at all You'll have to do it. Right?

ROY: Really?

BILL: You have to do it.

ROY: I thought you're supposed get female officers/ BILL: I'll talk you through it. Just repeat after me. but be my eyes ROY: sophie SOPHIE: call my mother ROY: sophie SOPHIE: what ROY: you have to be strip searched SOPHIE: . .

NO

ROY: yes that's what the police said/ SOPHIE: that's not what I was saying no to I was saying “no” to you you're not going to touch me ROY: I'm not going to touch you you can just do it yourself I'm just going to watch you know for the money to drop out/ SOPHIE: no give me the phone give me any phone give me my phone, it's in the break room I'm going to call my mom she's going to come down here ROY: you have to comply SOPHIE: I will but with my mom if she comes and tells me to do it I will but she wouldn't want you in here ROY: are we supposed to trust your mother? you could just slip her the money maybe you're doing this on her behalf Fall 2014 Proscenium 87

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi maybe she wanted you to steal the money for her (Sophie puts her hand to her mouth. Tears up at the thought.)

ROY: I'm not saying that's the case I'm not saying that's what I believe I'm just asking questions SOPHIE: give me my phone I want to call my mom she wouldn't want me to steal she taught me not to steal let me talk to the police BILL: What do you see?

ROY: Nothing.

BILL: Well, there's a girl in her underwear in front of you, right?

ROY: ...yeah.

BILL: okay great.

ROY: . yeah.

BILL: Give me a picture.

ROY: I don't know.

BILL: why not? I mean, she's been strip searched, right?

ROY: don't lie to me you got to toughen up she's running you and allowing herself to control the pace over you soon she'll have YOU in your underwear ROY: no

ROY: we decided you can keep your clothes on we aren't going to strip search you but you have to do what we say you have to do what I say do you understand?

(Sophie nods.)

ROY: you can call your mom later but right now I have to check your pockets(Sophie goes to do it.)

ROY: watch that!

SOPHIE: what what was I going to do ROY: you can't just/ SOPHIE: /just what?

ROY: uh, mm you can't, you have to/ SOPHIE: /You said you want to check my pockets, so I'm showing you/ ROY: You can't just reach into your own pockets SOPHIE: Why not?

ROY: . you might have a weapon (Beats. Sophie starts laughing.)

SOPHIE: Why would I have a weapon?

ROY: stop laughing/ SOPHIE: (still laughing) No! Why would I have a weapon? no she wouldn't Is this...like...

BILL: are you the manager? ..

ROY: yes I'm trying to think of that prison TV show, it's on the tip BILL: are you in control? of my tongue I can't think of it.

ROY: you said no/ A weapon? Really, Roy? BILL: ARE YOU IN CONTROL? (She goes to pull stuff out. He smacks her hands out of ROY: YES the way. She's startled. Silence.)

BILL: Then go through her pockets.

ROY: I'm just going to put my hand around on different you can do that, at least. parts of you. can't you?

Like I'm a parent. Or police. Or someone who's allowed ROY: yeah to.

BILL: Before you do it, ask her if she has any weapons (He reaches into her pants pockets and her shirt pocket.

ROY: she wouldn't have/ Sophie closes her eyes while he does so. He pulls things BILL: I know. out and sits back down.) but I want her to know that we think she would.

BILL: Tell me everything you see. she should never have the opportunity to underestimate ROY: a ticket stub for some movie, the title is rubbed you out do you get it? a friend's telephone number written on a napkin ROY: . two Tylenol without a bottle yeah. gum (Roy goes over to Sophie.) and a pack of Newport cigarettes 88 Proscenium Fall 2014

and condoms BILL: how many condoms?

ROY: Why? BILL: I'm curious.

(Roy waves the condoms in the air.)

ROY: Do you have any more of these?

(Sophie shakes her head.)

ROY: Nope. And that's it.

She doesn't have it.

BILL: Doesn't have what?

ROY: The money.

BILL: What's she doing?

ROY: Crying.

BILL: Standing or sitting?

ROY: Sitting.

BILL: Don't let her sit at no time let her sit ROY: OH OKAY (to Sophie) don't sit down get up you're never allowed to sit down never so get up and stay up SOPHIE: why?

BILL: Roy. is she asking you questions? is she retaliating ROY: no she's just sitting down/ BILL: /you told her to stand up If you told her to sit, she'd be fine but you told her to stand, so sitting is retaliation. don't let her take control of this you are the officer you are in control of this you set the pace and the tone and her questions are disrupting that pace you can't let her do that if you do, she wins and we lose ROY: (to sophie) You have to stop talking and do it He can hear you and you need to stop you need to comply I'm sorry, Sophie but this is just what happens when you break the law this is just what you do these are rules that aren't meant to be broken now you have stand up

(She does.)

AT THE REGISTERS (Sound of youthful laughter offstage. Kara investigates.

Comes back.)

KARA: Mike, Nancy, can you come over here?

NANCY: What happened?

MIKE: yo, hold on a sec, be right there.

KARA: I'll cover register and drive thru for a little while.

NANCY: What? What happened over there? I just cleaned it.

KARA: Get a rag and the degreaser.

NANCY: what what oh my god, why are you doing that with your face what what .

OH NO WHAT please tell me what's going on (The three walk to the other side of the stage. The dining area corner near the exit is a mess. BBQ sauce tracked on the floor. Napkins littered over tables and chairs. On the wall, someone tagged his or her name in ketchup.)

NANCY: no MIKE: Oh, goddammit.

KARA: Watch your mouth out here.

I'm sorry.

We should have been watching them.

(She leaves.)

MIKE: I'll get the wall.

Use the ripped up napkins to wipe the floor.

Save the napkins that aren't all fucked. (they get to work.)

NANCY: I served them I gave them their food and when they asked for extra ketchup packets I gave it to them while they laughed in my face MIKE: MOTHERFUCKER you know what I hate? Even more than this shit?

People.

I think I hate people. this makes me hate people. that's terrible. I used to like everyone. but, GREAT JOB, EVERYBODY. now I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE (Through this, Nancy has been crying. Now she's making sobbing sounds.)

MIKE: Hey, hey,

Fall 2014 Proscenium  89

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi don't cry it's cool. it's cool NANCY: these these jerks these mean jerks these stupid idiots I hate them I hate them to death I hope they die little chicken shits little pieces of shit running away like little scared pieces of shit if they were still here they'd be dead my dad would come over I'd have my dad come over and beat them up beat their little asses my dad would beat them up my dad would do that for me he's done it before so don't ever mess with me buddy (Mike goes to comfort Nancy.)

MIKE: Do you want to sit down NANCY: I don't know.

Yeah.

MIKE: find a seat without shit all over it. Relax for a bit. or go outside and smoke go out through the back so kara doesn't see I don't care (She sits.)

MIKE: seriously you can go NANCY: I'm not Kara's...thing.

I can't believe you thought that MIKE: and then I said I was sorry didn't I? yeah, I did that didn't work?

NANCY: I'm not anyone's pet I don't want to be here either I want to work and go home and in between I don't want anyone I know to come in and see me just like you just like everybody else MIKE: I'm sorry NANCY: you weren't before MIKE: well I am now 90 Proscenium Fall 2014

NANCY: you sure are . thanks for cleaning up this shit these napkins are completely destroyed MIKE: oh well NANCY: do you want to know something kind of funny these napkins cost more to make than the french fries.

MIKE: NO NANCY: YEAH MIKE (amused) YOU'RE LYING NANCY: YEAH I mean yeah, like, I'm not lying Not “yeah, I'm lying” ahh, ahh my brain is confused the napkins are costly the potatoes come cheap I don't know why also, the potatoes are made out of corn don't ask me how that's weird I wanted a flying car MIKE: I wanted the hoverboard from “Back to the Future II” but they don't exist unless you're rich NANCY: maybe you'll be rich MIKE: someday but first I gotta do this (he cleans. She shuffles the napkins like playing cards.)

NANCY: what the hell am I doing/ MIKE: /what happened to sophie NANCY: she stole a bunch of money MIKE: really NANCY: yeah the cops called roy's working with the police MIKE: is she going to be arrested NANCY: probably she did something really bad and not just mcdonalds bad but like, actually bad . no matter what this is her last day that's weird she's gone now she's leaving in cuffs

but it still counts .

I don't know I don't know I don't know . .

I don't know what to think or if I should think I'm not stupid but it feels stupid (she looks at the napkins) NANCY: this is just stupid cloudy. just an entire cloud its not the weather or the cold maybe its too many carbohydrates I don't know. Maybe I knew, but now I don't think I can I want to say something extremely hard I want to say a very difficult and hard thing . it's not that I'm stupid but, I don't know I don't know. You know? I don't know. (she looks around. She's sees the audience, but quickly averts her eyes.)

NANCY: I don't want anyone looking at me right now I'm not ashamed but just I'm going to take a break I just want to disappear I want to vanish temporarily, literally, and figuratively (Nancy goes to exit, but looks outside and shutters at the snow. She turns around, takes a table, and turns it over on its side and sits behind it.)

MIKE: they say we're getting the Angus burger next week what does “angus” mean?

NANCY: more meat (Mike is on his hands and knees, scrubbing at stuff. He spots something on the floor where the table was. He picks it up. It's a Mulan toy.

MIKE: I'm fucking rich.

THE REGISTERS KARA: Hello, welcome to McDonalds can I offer you the McRib before it disappears forever until next April?

CUSTOMER #2: No, thank you.

I would like um hm

A uh how's the fish sandwich?

KARA: It's really good.

CUSTOMER #2: Alright. .

I trust you, it's just I never see anyone order a fish sandwich outside of Lent.

KARA: I dunno people are scared of them. They're pretty good CUSTOMER #2: What kind of fish is it?

KARA: Pollock.

CUSTOMER #2: Pollock, huh?

Okay, let's do it. Fries and a water too, please.

KARA: Would you like to try our pineapple pies or our burger taco CUSTOMER #2: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh No, that's okay.

(Kara assembles the meal.)

CUSTOMER #2: You're...Kara...Clonsky.

KARA: uh CUSTOMER #2: We were, um security guard training. together. right?

(Kara stares at the customer.)

CUSTOMER #2: You uh, gave us all coupons for a free ninjitsu class near Christmastime KARA: yeah oh yeah hi CUSTOMER #2: How are you?

KARA: . i'm good How are you?

CUSTOMER #2: good! okay. .

I'm a guard at Stony Brook Mental Hospital did you know that the training school only sets you up with mental hospital jobs when you're done?

KARA: yeah, that's why I was going how's being a mental health security guard?

CUSTOMER #2: so so.

I mean, some weeks I have to sleep during the day and work the night shift seen someone die some of the patients are very scary, and dangerous And you'd think you have to be tough for the job, you know? Tell them what to do and yell when they don't do it but actually...you're just helping them. You have the Fall 2014 Proscenium 91

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi pepper spray but...you don't want to use it because they don't really know what they're doing sometimes. so you just talk them down a bit, maybe guide them to their bed It can get really stressful. People sometimes treat you like a doctor, and you're not or, even worse, they freak out and you have to stop them without hurting them I got punched in the face by someone who was covered in blood . yesterday (Kara smirks. Not in a mean way.)

KARA: yeah um I had to drop out family family issues my mother got sick and I had to take care of her and the bills/ and um CUSTOMER #2: /yeah/ KARA: I came back here I had to. for the hospital bills CUSTOMER #2: I'm so sorry.

What was wrong with your mom?

KARA: . it was, uh . rabies.

CUSTOMER #2: . ? what?

KARA: uh, I mean, no it was It uh brain disease from not from uh meat from the cow the cow disease it was like it cancer brain, brain cancer 92 Proscenium Fall 2014

it was like uh (Makes the size of the tumor the size of a plum with both hands.)

KARA: in her, uh hemisphere cortex . she's better now, though.

CUSTOMER #2: oh. that's great!

KARA: I finished ninjitsu classes though CUSTOMER #2: Also great!

(Kara nods.)

KARA: I could legally open a dojo but the, um, I mean, all the red tape/ CUSTOMER #2: /it's a process KARA: yeah.

CUSTOMER #2: .

KARA: .

CUSTOMER #2: . uh could I get this to go?

KARA: . uh, yeah/ CUSTOMER #2: /it's just that I totally forgot to say that as I was / ordering and KARA: Oh, no problem, no problem/ (Kara takes the food off the tray and assembles the meal to go. A few awkward beats.)

CUSTOMER #2: Can I, um, have some sweet and sour sauce?

(Without taking her eyes off the customer, Kara reaches down with both hands and puts, like, fifteen sauces in the bag. She smiles weakly.)

CUSTOMER #2: Kara...!

Good to see you!

KARA: Same here!

Thank you for coming to... . (erm) Take care.

(Kara is unhappy. Frustrated. Missing out.)

MANAGER ROOM (Sophie and Roy are not talking.)

(Kara enters. Looks at Sophie's belongings from her pockets.)

KARA: oh ROY: searched her pockets SOPHIE: Kara/ KARA: On Officer Bill's authority/

ROY: /in coordination with the police investigation, yes.

KARA: I could have done this I should have done this, right? they have female cops for this reason, right?

ROY: No. (to the phone) it's Kara she says she should have done the search KARA: Ask him if there's anything/ (Roy holds out the phone.)

ROY: He'd like to speak to you (She takes the phone.)

KARA: hello?

BILL: please don't question my authority in front of the suspect/ KARA: I'm, I'm so/ BILL: don't apologize in front of the suspect. We're a well oiled police machine, okay? All of us. Nobody is saying sorry to anybody. we are in harmony we are a harmonious society do you understand KARA: yeah BILL: are you sure?

KARA: got it SOPHIE: why don't you have a seat ROY: um KARA: you're not in the loop anymore she's not to sit down ever KARA: I hate you so much (Kara leaves.)

SOPHIE: . .

Roy? Let's go back to work.

ROY: huh?

SOPHIE: I'll just work. Just go back to working. You and me.

And whenever the police come, I'll stop and talk with them, and work it out.

I don't like being in this office.

ROY: Why? What's wrong with it?

(Beats.)

ROY: No. That's not a good idea SOPHIE: C'mon, Roy. It's the dinner rush.

ROY: It's snowing/ SOPHIE: Anything could happen. A bus filled with hungry football players could show up (She smiles.)

ROY: .

SOPHIE: .

(Roy reaches for the phone.)

SOPHIE: Don't ask him. .

Tell him.

(Roy hesitates, but picks up the phone.)

ROY: Um, so/ BILL: /I don't even know what to say/ ROY: this isn't really familiar territory for me, and/ BILL: Talking to girls?

ROY: ....uh, no, I mean/ BILL: Put her in her place, Roy ROY: How? BILL: My god, how do you wipe your own ass? put her on the defensive she's guilty, after all ROY: She says she isn't/ BILL: Then what IS she guilty of?

(Roy thinks. Beats.)

ROY: I don't think you should be out there with everyone right now. . it wouldn't be right.

SOPHIE: .

ROY: Kara and Nancy...they're not too happy with you.

SOPHIE: I couldn't care less.

ROY: I think...the reason there has been some you know friction is because of your behavior at a superbowl party. and, you know, I don't know you should think of how you represent uh, our branch, when you intermingle with the other people. The guys.

SOPHIE: Oh. ROY: You're...nineteen. (shakes head) is it true?

SOPHIE: .

Yes, Roy Every single story is true.

ROY: ......are you being sarcastic?

(Sophie nods as if to say, “yes, you idiot.”)

ROY: Were you drunk?

SOPHIE: What's he telling to do?

ROY: This is, I have a right to ask/ SOPHIE: NO YOU DON'T ROY: If you're underage, getting drunk at a party thrown by McDonalds managers, then yes, I do. Were Fall 2014 Proscenium 93

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi you drunk?

SOPHIE: (sigh) A little.

ROY: Is that why you... .

I heard things. About...boys.

More than one boy. . are you denying it?

(Sophie isn't talking to Roy.) ROY: oh. .

I was at that party. Did you know that?

(Sophie nods.)

ROY: If I walked into the bathroom, would I have gotten laid?

(There is a long silence. Sophie doesn't know what words to use. She looks at the exit. She looks back at Roy.) SOPHIE: No. Absolutely not. do you want to know why?

(He doesn't answer.)

SOPHIE: It's because I hate you. it's not even pity, or dislike anymore I hate you. and that's why... that's why...even though I actually didn't get into vet school and I'm lying to everyone and saying that I did and I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm still leaving. because I hate you. you don't get that? You don't feel that? you spend so much time trying to get me to like you, when you should be trying to get me to stop hating you.

(Roy waits. Thinks. Gets a bit angry.)

ROY: Is that why you've been stealing?

SOPHIE: ...Oh, go f/ ROY: /Yeah. That's it. Fuck Roy. Fuck Roy. “I hate Roy, so I'm gonna hit him where it hurts!” by stealing from him stealing from customers, stealing stock just because you want to watch me hurt I've been here for twenty years. I've moved up to where it's like this place is owned by me. My success? My livelihood? It's tied to THIS ONE RESTAURANT and YOU you don't give a shit you'd pick this place apart and let it fall on top of me .

You're done. After this, you won't be able to work in the service industry period 94 Proscenium Fall 2014

and that's what everything is right now everything is the service industry as far as the eye can see and you won't be able to be a part of that all because you stole out of hate. Fucking hate. and then when YOU GET CAUGHT WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT and asked NICELY to show us what you might be hiding under your clothes you talk to us like we're nothing to you and that we have no right.

And I could hit you. . .

I could I'm allowed to Officer Bill said I could he actually said I should but he said I'm in control and could use my own discretion I could hit you he taught me how no he didn't I knew how I've always been a scrapper I know my way around a fight always have I know I don't look like I do, but I can and will fight. criminals at any cost, because we believe people shouldn't steal ...so watch what you say and do because I don't know how much more I can tolerate you taking my kindness as weakness GRILL AREA (Mike is scraping the grill.)

(Nancy comes over.)

NANCY: hi MIKE: hi NANCY: kara's letting me go home early MIKE: good hey do you want to come to the party / NANCY: no it's my cousin's birthday she rented a limo, we're going to ride around all night I can't come but thanks for inviting me MIKE: hey, I want you to have something (He gives her the Mulan toy.)

NANCY: hey, that's uhh . hm that's uh chinese Pocahontas MIKE: yea from that Disney movie about badass fucking Genghis Khan I found it holding up a table she's that girl who had a dad who was called to duty but he was sick and she had no brothers because it was china and she was all, “fuck this, I'm gonna be in a war” so she taped em down and drew on a beard and fucked shit up in basic training and met a dude who didn't know she was a girl he started digging her so it probably made him think he was turning gay so then she saves china, which was a big deal because china's huge she's into honor and family and fighting like scarface that's kind of neat, because before her, all Disney girls were like, pretty, and that's it at best, fast readers . shit's old . like, 1997, I wasn't here yet it's probably worth something like beanie babies, which are worth more than houses now NANCY: no, you have it MIKE: nah, I already have a couple these mulan things are all over the place found one underneath the ball pit, and another behind the framed Hamburglar painting guess no one wanted them cause it's not the Red Dragon Eddie Murphy one stashed away in crawlspaces and shit .

I'm gonna give one to my babygirl she's not chinese but I think she'll get it . have fun tonight drive down DP Ave and throw shit at all the assholes they deserve it (They hug. She leaves.)

(Mike is scraping the grill while singing.)

(While this is happening, Sophie is removing her clothing, down to the underwear. Roy may or may not be watching, but he lets her put on an apron.)

(The clang of something breaking. Mike screams.)

MIKE: help help please help me (Kara runs in.)

KARA: what happened?

MIKE: the the scraper snapped the blade snapped off when I leaned on it KARA: Are you bleeding/ (Kara looks, and sees the growing puddle of blood.)

KARA: are you going to be okay (Mike pulls the apron away. Blood pours off his arm and pools onto the stage. It's obvious the blade has cut open an artery.)

KARA: are you going to be okay MIKE: please help me KARA: okay okay we have a procedure sit down near the office don't go in no one can go in right now (Mike sits on the floor for a minute, alone.)

(Kara comes back with towels and a small box.)

KARA: I spoke to 911 they're sending an ambulance and they want you to put pressure on the arm but not the wound so here are towels (he grabs the towels with the space between his shoulder and the side of his face.) (she holds out a box.)

KARA: now you need to do this MIKE: do what KARA: this (Mike looks at the box in her hand.)

KARA: it's a drug test we have to submit to a drug test whenever one of us has an accident while working MIKE: no please no KARA: they make everyone do this policy says you have to do this within an hour of the accident and they're not going to let me into the ER Fall 2014 Proscenium 95

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi so you have to do it before the ambulance comes MIKE: please no please help KARA: it's policy I don't know what happens if you don't do this. you're supposed to be clean when you clock in MIKE: Please don't I can't KARA: it's not up to you I'm sorry MIKE: it wasn't my fault KARA: I didn't say that but it's policy MIKE: you didn't make me do this when I started

it's policy there's no other way . you can't do it here we can't have any urine around here it's a kitchen we can't have urine in the kitchen I'm sorry, Mike you have to do this MANAGERS ROOM (Sophie is in the corner. She's wearing an apron, and that's it. Roy is on the phone with Bill.)

ROY: I've learned so much since we started talking.

Thank you. you didn't make me do this ever BILL: No problem, partner I've been here for years we're partners now you never made me take a drug test before like Dragnet or Hawaii 5-0 please don't do this ROY: Bill, how old is the cutoff to become a police ofit wasn't my fault it broke ficer it wasn't supposed to do that BILL: oh, man, let me think I'm trying to yell Thirty-five? why can't I yell? why, man? How old are you? why can I only sound like this?

ROY (sad) KARA: I don't know Thirty-six i BILL: Oh, that's probably okay I just you interested? what's going on with you?

I can give a good word, rub out the age limit .

ROY: really?

I can't BILL: Yeah let you I can do that sort of stuff not take this ROY: I just now realized that I want to be a cop. I've it's policy, I'm sorry/ never wanted something so much.

MIKE: help what do I have to learn to be a good policeman? me BILL: people, you know, say patience KARA: (Kara looks around. Her mind and soul are split or tolerance into two pieces. She goes back and forth in her mind, or respect for fellow man again and again, trying to choose one path over anothand they're probably right er. This makes her aware of the stage lights, which have but they're probably not cops really been bothering her for over an hour.)

People are getting desperate.

(Back and forth. In her mind, the division between EMThey forget where they are, think they can do what they PLOYEE and PERSON is cut.) want (Nothing else exists but Kara.) we have to stop that, right away (She screams at the pain of becoming two separate enthat's the hard part tities, and choosing one over the other. It's as terrible a seeing and dissolving sound as you would imagine.) and for that, you have to achieve unawareness (She's brought back to what she thinks is a McDonalds you can't stop to consider if you're a match for the susrestaurant in a real world.) pect (A beat. She holds out the drug test kit to Mike.) whether or not you'll harm the suspect KARA: get up how long it'll take for the resistance to subside you have to do this you must get to a state in your mind where none of this 96 Proscenium Fall 2014

matters you become this beacon, where nothing is important but enforcing the law ROY: unawareness. wow BILL: yeah, wow

BY THE WAY how's our suspect?

ROY: still here BILL: she give it up yet?

ROY: no BILL: Roy. Can I ask you a question?

ROY: Yeah, of course/ BILL: Are you a faggot?

ROY: . no...

BILL: You sound unsure/ ROY: No/ I'm BILL: It's okay if you are/ ROY: I'm not/ BILL: You can be gay. It's fine.

ROY: NO. NO. Why would you say that?

BILL: it took you so long to strip search her ROY: but I...was being...

BILL: just stop being a faggot and do it ROY: do what?

BILL: . it's up to you.

ROY: . .

No. BILL: Don't say no to me/ ROY: /What's your name again?

BILL: ...Detective Officer Bill Wildon/ ROY: What's your badge number?

BILL: ...I...

I don't have to give that to you/ ROY: Yes you do.

All police do. .

Who is this?

BILL: .

Listen, I/ (Roy hangs up the phone. Silence. Sophie is still.)

(For the entirety of this moment, Sophie and Roy are

nowhere near each other. They are completely still.)

ROY: Wow. That guy. He was...

There's no way he was a police officer.

The things he asking me to do, and... he thought I would just do it.

Just blindly listen to him, because he said he was “the authorities.”

I can't believe Kara was so fooled.

Well, It took me a little while... (looks at clock) but I figured it out. (ick) he was a pervert . you're safe now. I saved you.

SOPHIE: can I go home now?

ROY: hold on one second .

Oh my god I wonder if that ever worked before that guy from before, the guy who posed as a cop like, maybe he did this to other people and they went along with it, and... oh my that's terrible to think stop luckily it was me he was talking to. because I respect you. Even if maybe you don't always respect me. Or yourself.

SOPHIE: I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone before I hate the way you wring your hands I hate the way you stare at me I hate that you let customers talk to you like a piece of shit and I hate that you take it I hate that I'm forced to be nice to you because I'm trying to be a better person and in doing so, it makes you feel like you can talk to me and try to teach me things that you don't understand I hate that you get faxes from invisible people and you actually read them/ ROY: /I wish you wouldn't quit but...I know you'll be happy somewhere else. because when you figure out how to move on and be a veterinarian your life will be really satisfying The people you'll work with when you move up and on are going to be really great coworkers. Honest and kind. Friendly. They're going to be good people because they're intelligent and hardworking Fall 2014 Proscenium 97

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi stay still You know, what that guy on the phone tried to do? That actually happens sometimes HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN? I know how. He probably just calls a lot of McDonalds locations because they're stupid, the people that work there.

They're so stupid and they're sheep people here are petty and weird and pathetic and easily confused and they do whatever someone tells them to do, without question/ SOPHIE: /I hate that you try to hug me you smell like your job I hate that someone made you this way without you even knowing it I hate that you gave up and you've settled on this I hate that I should have left but I couldn't because up until today I've been told to listen to what people say and respect authority ROY: /please stop I know what the problem is with this place we give promotions based on loyalty, and not much else sad, unfair, but true if we keep our mouths shut and do what they say, they reward our loyalty. just like China.

That country runs the same way as McDonalds, did you know that? china's government is filled with people that are only in high up positions because they're the most loyal to the communist party and these political leaders do whatever is asked of them by the powerful groups that put them in their position I read there might be a war some day between us and them I'm not scared. Their military is a joke.

I mean, their army is comprised of mostly peasants! could you imagine that? people signing up for the army, not because they love their country or freedom but because they're really poor and desperate and they can't do anything else?

SOPHIE: I hate that I'm a girl I hate that I hate that I'm supposed to love that you're supposed to love that and you don't 98 Proscenium Fall 2014

I hate that I'm using the word hate and it feels like I'm using the word love/ ROY: /stop they have McDonalds in China, you know do you think they're called “McDonalds?”

The Chinese language is way different than English.

They probably don't have that “ick” sound in “MICK” or the “UL” in “DonALDS” they don't have the same sounds as us actually, let's be fair, they were here first, so WE don't have the same sounds as THEM SOPHIE: i hate that the man on the other end of that phone only needed to make five phone calls before he found someone like you I hate that you wanted this day to happen a day when someone would tell you to do things that you really wanted to do I hate that Officer Bill isn't even Officer Bill he's not a real person I hate that what he says to you isn't even English but lines taken from a manual for Chinese Police a manual about how to properly exercise authority over non-criminals and how to beat people without drawing blood and how to get away with doing terrible things to people because it's their job, their duty to keep them down a manual that refers to themselves as “the upperhand” and everyone else as “the opposition.” it doesn't seem out of place anymore I hate that this makes sense I hate that this really happened I hate that people will say I wanted this, I planned for this to happen by people who imagine and invent 18 year old girls who want to be raped I hate that you can't hear me right now.

But, to be fair, We're not speaking.

We're not listening.

We're not standing.

We're not sitting.

I'm not angry, I'm terrified I hate that it's not really like this with me all the way over here, and you all the way over there. but they don't need to see what's really happening right now but they know just like they know you and where you live (Roy changes. He becomes aware that his deeds are not

unseen, and that the audience has been privy to everything. Fear? Regret? Shame? He keeps looking at the phone on the desk.)

ROY: I'm not doing...anything nothing is happening, this is something that is...this is a part of...something they said this is mine, he said you stole. she told me to take care of this .

I'm working I'm not doing anything, I'm just working I don't know/ SOPHIE: /Roy. (He listens.)

SOPHIE: I'm leaving now. and I'll run into an ocean of yous before I find a tiny island of mes. and I hate that you'll eventually find that island of mes and you'll cover it with yous.

I'll eventually win we always win but I hate that it means that you have to lose (Roy looks at the phone. He's waiting for a phone call that doesn't come.)

(Mike gives up on treating his wound with paper towels. He stumbles his way over to the door.)

KARA: No, don't go in they told us not to go in/ (Mike opens the door. No one is moving. Mike is horrified. He drops down, a mixture of emotional and physical shock.)

(Kara enters. She doesn't understand.)

KARA: I told him not to open the door . where is officer bill? what's going on you're not doing anything nothing's happening (Sophie notices Mike. She breaks her frozen state and kneels over him, checking him.)

SOPHIE: Mike?

ROY: Officer Bill wasn't real we weren't prepared for that luckily it was me, and not someone more like him someone violent who makes up horrible things to do (Kara sits at the desk.)

KARA: Roy, go work out there I want to work back here now

.

I'm a manager. I like it Instead of serving meat I can work with papers (Sophie helps Mike up. Grabs a first aid kit. Starts to leave.)

ROY: I want to go home .

I think something bad happened here and I need to go home .

I have to walk past you on the way out . please let me pass/ (Sophie exits the office with Mike. She shuts the door on Roy on her way out.)

(We can no longer see inside the office.)

THE REGISTERS (Sophie props Mike against the registers, customer side. She sits down next to him. Opens up the first aid kit and gets to work on Mike's bleeding arm.)

MIKE: are you alright . are you alright/ SOPHIE: I'm trying to do this.

MIKE: why SOPHIE: you're bleeding a lot I'm the only one here who can do it (Mike pulls his arm away. They make eye contact.)

MIKE: Are you okay?

(Sophie thinks about many somethings.)

SOPHIE: Yeah.

(Sophie thinks about something. Decides to smile.)

MIKE: . okay (She works. She hums.)

MIKE: Do you think you'll be a good veterinarian SOPHIE: Yeah MIKE: Me too look at those hands Those are good hands People are going to let you near their cats and dogs (She finishes.)

SOPHIE: let's go let's leave together MIKE: you have to go to the police i have to go to the hospital we can't leave we have to do these things SOPHIE: I know Fall 2014 Proscenium  99

Mai Dang Lao David Jacobi but we should leave because we want to leave MIKE: Then we should leave before anyone forces us to stay it's winter you need your clothes SOPHIE: my clothes are at home (Sophie finishes his bandages and gets Mike up. They make their way to the exit. Mike hesitates. He's shaken and crying.)

MIKE: I'm worried .

I'm worried. about the snow about my arm about what happened to you about everything after right now about this and that and the next thing/ (Sophie gives him some of her strength.)

SOPHIE: /there's nothing to be afraid of it's all just water (Sophie and Mike exit.)

(Sounds of winter winds.)

END OF PLAY

100 Proscenium Fall 2014

Proscenium Advertise In

Want to reach the same large, web-based audience that we help our playwrights reach? Advertise with Proscenium! For more information, including rates and different advertising packages, please contact info@prosceniumjournal.com.

Want to submit to Proscenium? Visit prosceniumjournal.com/submit/ Want to join the Proscenium team? Visit prosceniumjournal.com/work-with-us/

Watch prosceniumjournal.com for our next issue in the Winter!

Fall 2014 Proscenium  101

Kissing Che Augusto Federico Amador

102 Proscenium Fall 2014

Copyright Š 2014 Proscenium Journal. All rights reserved.