T U ES DAY, A P RI L 1, 2014
HOUSE of CARDS (FBLA version) VOLUME 55 NO. 7
The Prospector
CHSPROSPECTOR.ORG
Student Newspaper of Cupertino High School
10100 FINCH AVENUE, CUPERTINO, CA 95014
McDonalds maintains sphere of influence through school paint job
EDWARD MEECHUM features assistant
CHARLIE SHEEN flipside assistant
McDonald’s: the stereotypical unhealthy — yet appetizing — restaurant. For two years, developers of the shopping plaza across the street from Hyde Middle School have been working diligently to construct a McDonald’s restaurant. However, due to concerns from neighborhood residents regarding traffic, noise and public safety, the idea was eventually shot down. McDonald’s, on the other hand, did not lose hope, instead continuing their search for the ideal site to settle. One year later, they discovered the perfect location — here at Cupertino High School. The school had been under construction for nearly a year,
JOHN MULANEY news assistant
To pee or not to pee? That is the question that male students at the school have asking themselves during the protests in the quad that have been occurring for the past week. As a result of the absence of dividers between the men’s bathroom urinals at the school, the male students have decided that it is time to speak up. Done with the awkwardness and embarrassment that result from the blatant lack of privacy, these brave students have decided to boycott the restrooms until further changes are made. Although the bathrooms at the track and in the new student union building do include dividers between urinals, the bathrooms near the science wing and in the main hallway are still lacking dividers. Because these two bathrooms are the most commonly used and accessible, the males at this school are outraged by the
until finally its true identity was revealed — McTino. School administrators claim that there’s nothing wrong with the school building being the same iconic red and yellow of a McDonald’s restaurant. In fact, according to a recent McDonald’s TV advertisement, the school’s API score skyrocketed past that of the nearest Burger King after the completion of the construction. Much of the school’s staff has reacted in a positive manner to this situation. Said yearbook adviser and business teacher Jen Townsend, “After we discovered the colors of the new building, we decided to rename our yearbook ‘The McNugget.’” In addition, due to widespread complaints about the wait times for the student drop-off, McDonalds representative Donald McRonald stated, “We’ve received your complaints through our customer service page and we’ve decided to grant this local
school’s failure to protect their dignity. The boys have refused to urinate where they are supposed to, resulting in a large amount of kids wetting their pants throughout the day. These brave Pioneers are even refusing to wear diapers, insisting that the feeling of moist undergarments is not as bad as it smells. Teachers and girls are outraged, annoyed by the wet seats that the angry boys leave behind. The protests in the quad are loaded with crosslegged boys holding signs with statements such as “United we strike, divided we pee!” while the entirety of the school’s female population has been passing their time in the library. Since the boycotts and protests began last Monday, the school board has stated that they will not consider adding dividers to the urinals because of a lack of funds. They claim that they chose to install a teacher’s spa in the office during construction instead of
franchise additional funding to open a new drive-thru at the front of the school.” The new drive thru is scheduled to be completed in early 2015; however, sources have claimed that due to past experiences with construction, a more accurate estimation would be late 2017. Since the transformation from Cupertino High School to McTino, many changes have occurred. Last month, Principal Kami Tomberlain received a promotion to “Head Manager” and the school updated the menu at its cafeteria with new, healthy options. In addition, the curricula for several of the AP science classes on campus have been modified to reflect the recent changes. AP Biology students, in collaboration with the Gardening Club, will be growing tomatos and lettuce on the school’s turf. AP Chemis-
Boys strike until urinal dividers are constructed
APRIL SHOWERS | Protestors vent their frustration on the walls of Room 611
2
News
The Prospector
The Prospector
S TA F F
April 1, 2014
To pee or not to pee
2012-2013
cont. page 1 Cupertino High School Established 1958 Vol LV, No. VII | 2014
dividers in the bathrooms. Said principal Kami Tomberlain, “It’s urinALL, not urinDIVIDED. The boys need to learn to share and pee together.” The guys insist that the protests will not stop until they can pee in privacy. This has incited reasonable fears in students, who fear the consequences of increased levels of ammonia in the air, as well as the impact this will have on school tourism. “While URINE our school, keep urine OUT” said representatives from the anti-protest movement.
editors-in-chief beyoncé jennifer lawrence news editor jay-z opinions editor lil wayne features editor frank underwood lifestyles editor 2 chainz sports editor lebron james flip side editor rob ford photo editor stevie wonder business manager donald trump
news assistants
bo burnham john mulaney louis c.k.
opinions assistants
jimmy fallon jimmy kimmel
features assistants
claire underwood edward meechum
lifestyles assistants
lady gaga brüno
sports assistants
stephen curry michael phelps
flip side assistants
charlie sheen lindsey lohan
copy assistant photo crew
dennis rodman kanye west
McDonald’s maintains sphere of influence throughout school try students will be synthesizing new fertilizers to help these crops grow. Said AP Cashier Mark St. John, “My one and only goal is to ensure the education and happiness of our valued customers.” Finally, as a result of the objections from parents regarding the unsatisfactory lunches provided by the cafeteria, the school will now provide Happy Meals to all students, in part to try to get students to smile more after brutal tests.
NOT HOLDING BACK ANYMORE | Angry students protest the horrific
statements by the school board
Student found dead among maze of green fences Corpse raises concerns about duration of construction DENNIS RODMAN copy assistant
CLAIRE UNDERWOOD features assistant
adviser anderson cooper
Editorial Policy “The Prospector” is an open forum of expression for student editors to inform and educate their readers. It will not be reviewed by or restrained by school officials prior to publication or distribution. Advisors may and should coach and discuss content during the writing process. The staff of “The Prospector” seeks to recognize individuals, events and ideas and bring news to the Cupertino community in an accurate, professional and unbiased manner. “The Prospector” will not avoid publishing a story solely on the basis of possible dissent or controversy. If you believe an error has been made or wish to have your opinion expressed in “The Prospector,” please contact us via mail or email. Letters sent become the sole property of “The Prospector” and can be edited for length, clarity or accuracy. “The Prospector” editorial board reserves the right to accept or reject any ad in accordance with its advertising policy. Contact Us The Prospector 10100 Finch Avenue Cupertino, CA 95014 prospector.chs@gmail.com
Ji Piay | The body of junior Ji Piay was recently found after months in the green fences
The consequences of chasing school legends were brutally realized when Junior Valerie DictorIan stumbled upon the body of late Junior Ji Piay. She was found in the labyrinth of green fences littering the school, hugging an AP Bio textbook that had a bite taken out of it. Students believed that rumors surrounding the mysterious green maze have a close link to Piay’s death, as she had been missing since Pi Day. Piay wasn’t the first to disappear, either, in a growing line of disappearances and deaths amongst students--all having gone missing on Pi Day. “I was just looking at my APUSH FRQ, you know, when it just blew out of my hands or something. It flew over one of the green fences and then I found Ji’s body,” Dictor-Ian said. “I definitely think there’s a connection between her and the rumor about the pi people.” The popular legend is as follows: students can join the secret colony that appears only once a year, on Pi Day, if the exact number of moles of sodium bicarbonate is chanted backwards. The initiation process of becoming a part of the Pi People consists of answering an AP question correctly. What happens to students who answer the question wrong still remains a mystery. Thrill seekers had been preparing for Pi Day ever since the green gates were set up for construction, studying eagerly for the day they could attempt initiation.
Senior Gene Yas, one of these brave students, said, “I heard that the Pi People AP questions are crazy hard, but I think I could totally make it in. I’ve taken eight AP classes.” According to a poll, Yas is the most popular candidate for the Pi People amongst Cupertino. His fanclub can be found at geneyas.tumblr.com. Because of the past deaths, many students coined the science building as the DeMuth-a Triangle, as that was the rumored entrance point of the secret colony. In honor of Piay, students have agreed to hold a memorial in front of the science building on April 1st, during which they will share their treasured memories of Piay with each other. Students often even referred affectionately to Ji Piay by saying “my Ji Piay”. Students often even referred affectionately to Ji Piay by saying “my Ji Piay”. I knew Ji Piay when she was a freshman, but as the years passed she seemed to get down,” said senior Ivan Idean. “My poor Ji Piay just got worse and worse.” Nevertheless, this epidemic of disappearing students may be an explanation to this legend. All students were discovered on different days--although some disappeared have altogether. When Mrs. Uji used her fingerprint chemiluminescence equipment to calculate the dates of the students’ deaths, she found that the date of death for all of
the students was most likely Pi Day. All data seems to point to the conclusion that Pi People claim only the most exceptional students at Cupertino High School, based on the failures of students passed. Because of this, many parents are encouraging their children not to go near the science department on Pi Day. A source on Yas’s tumblr has divined that the next date the Pi People will reveal themselves is actually on April 1st. The source encouraged students to participate in studying for the initiation process. In memory of the late Piay, students are to meet together at 11:59 today, to chant the exact number of moles of Sodium Bicarbonate backwards together. As these events unfold, the moving lesson we can ultimately take away from this sad story is that, unfortunately, AP Biology textbooks do not make a good meal.
ROADKILL | Another student lies dead from the Pi People
Opinions Opin-
3
The Prospector
April 1, 2014
LIL WAYNE opinions editor
A recent poll conducted by the AP Statistics class revealed a disappointing truth: students simply don’t care enough about the SAT. The poll, which found that only 14% of students considered the SAT “somewhat important”, while an overwhelming 62% of students called it “meh” and a somewhat lesser but equally overwhelming 47% ranked it “between conducting AP Statistics polls and maintaining proper dental hygiene on my list of priorities”, came as a sorely-needed wake-up call for students, parents, and administrators alike. “These results demonstrate a clear need to focus more closely on preparing for the SAT,” said Assistant Principal Andi Wallsack. “With this in mind, we will be replacing all regular classes with SAT bootcamp courses until further notice. Our goal is to raise each student’s score that extra 25 points, as we recognize that this is an important distinction that will set them apart from their peers, ensure academic and financial success, and overall maintain a significant impact on the students’ lives both during and after college.” Parents have also expressed concerns over the frustrating results over the poll. “It is clear that spending several thousand dollars a year on SAT classes, prep
books, and college counseling is far below the minimum that we should be doing in order to prepare for the SAT,” said David Coleman*, a concerned father. “Students need to start taking this test seriously.” “You know what else they need? Some sort of website or forum, where students can exchange SAT prep advice, brag about scores, and voraciously read about who got into what college in the hopes of figuring out the admissions formula**,” he added, somewhat reflectively. Students, when questioned regarding the results of the poll, expressed a lack of interest in commenting roughly equal to the lack of interest expressed in the SAT. The College Board refused comment as well, except to remind everyone that “we are reverting back to a 1600-point scale in 2016, so all of your preparation will be useless.” “Good luck!” they added thoughtfully. *As a background detail that is in no way relevant to the context of this article, Mr. Coleman happens to be the CEO of The College Board. ** © 2014 Collegeconfidential.com
SAT scores
projected by Mr. Wallsack COMPILED BY AP STATS
600
12%
85% 800
1000
1200
1400
SHARK
WEEK
Does your uterus ever feel like this? BRUNO lifestyles assistant
LADY GAGA opinions assitant
Disclaimer: The authors of this article were not PMSing nor on their periods during the writing of this article. There is quite possibly nothing in this world more infuriating than the ill-conceived notion from males that just because a female is angry, it unquestionably means that she is on her period and has thus become the equivalent to a melodramatic, savage beast from the darkest corners of the earth. For starters, could such an assumption be any more stereotypical? To assume that every female on the face of the planet would turn into a wild beast when on her menstrual cycle is an obvious and complete overgeneralization. Newsflash: females
1600
1800
one minute
32%
hours studied
one hour
Take standardized testing more seriously: a call to action C A B D
out of your range
9 10 11 12
year
don’t just suddenly transform into the likes of the Hulk the second ovulation starts. Admittedly, it is normal to be a bit crankier and emotional—forgive us for not constantly being the sunshine in your life—but it’s hard to be cheerful every second of the day when the bloody falls of the Niagara are flowing out between our legs into a disgusting pool of femininity. That being said, males have no reason whatsoever to run away screaming upon realization that a girl is on her period. We might have cramps and a migraine, but that doesn’t mean that we’re going to rip out your intestines and wear them as a necklace if you dare utter one wrong word. If a girl does happen to be on her period, however, be ready to cater to her every whim and need- for both your safety and her sanity. Always remember to carry around a bar of chocolate to offer a female that seems to be on the edge of losing it. Get the bad stuff and you’re digging your own grave-she’s not going to dig it for you. Never forget to open the door for a girl in case she is already lamenting the loss of chivalry in her head- missing your cue could result in swift retribution. Note that the female has every right to be angry or upset at any moment she wishes to be so. When she asks you to do her a favor, carry through exactly as she instructed you to do it. If you can’t take the heat, man up. Most importantly, treat her like she’s a princess and worship the very ground she walks on. Failing to do so will imminently lead to bloodshed. And not just her’s. On a serious note, menstrual cycles are truly a pain that could use the sincere sympathy and consideration of males- not the recurring, incessant jabs and jokes that seem to accompany all instances of shark week. Joking about periods isn’t funny. Period.
4
Features
April 1, 2014
HOUSE of CARDS
(FBLA version) CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER FOUR
There are two kinds of pain. The kind of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain. The sort of pain that’s only suffering. I have no patience for useless things. Jeremy Xue, Auxiliary Officer of Cupertino High School’s Future Business Leaders of America, has been playing 2048 for the past 2048 hours. Not only has he beaten the game 2048 times, but he has finally achieved God Status: 4096. It is a Wednesday. 3:37 a.m. His phone rings. A raspy, Batman-esque female voice greets him. “You got the goods yet?” “Yeah.” “Screenshot that bitch.” CHAPTER TWO The nature of promises is that they remain immune to changing circumstances. “I’m sorry, Jeremy. It’s politics.” “But Keely, I got you the 4096 score. It got 2048 likes on Facebook!” “I value your services as an Auxiliary Officer, but you’re more useful there than you ever would be as Vice President.” “You’d be nothing without me, and you know it.” Keely Zhang, sitting co-President of FBLA*, wears a sharply cut suit and taps her foot impatiently. This is Jeremy’s signal to leave the AP Calculus BC classroom that houses the offices of the presidents. Jeremy turns on his heel to leave, but stops just steps from the door. CHAPTER THREE I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood. Isabel Lin, fellow Auxiliary Officer and Jeremy’s partner-in-crime, has a new target: Nick Samoray, Vice President and the only blonde person in FBLA. Isabel has already compiled a 500-page document detailing Nick’s every strength and weakness. Mostly weaknesses. “Nick, I’ve been following you very closely for some time now.” Nick smirks. “I get it. Lots of girls do. You know, my good looks and all.” Isabel eyes the Ukrainian with a steely glare. “I know why you really joined FBLA, and I know you’re unsatisfied with the program.” Nick’s self-satisfied smile fades. “That’s — that’s not true. I — I love it here!” His voice cracks mid-sentence. Isabel flips to her most-referenced page in the treasured document “Shachi Kakkar.” Nick takes a step back. Isabel continues. “You joined FBLA because he was an officer, never suspecting he would be kicked out the next year and join DECA instead.” A single tear rolls down Nick’s cheek. “I couldn’t have known,” he gasps. “We were supposed to be together forever.” “And you still can be. Join DECA and you’ll find yourself surrounded by those who love Shachi as much as you do.” “But the presidents will kill me.” “Stay here, and you’ll only slowly kill yourself.”
Power is a lot like real estate. It’s all about location, location, location. The closer you are to the source, the higher your property value. Jeremy sits at his desk, staring once again at the golden tiles gracing his computer screen. This time, he plays for himself. His phone rings. A distraught female voice. It’s Ashley Liu, sitting co-President of FBLA. “Jeremy … Jeremy … Kevin’s missing. We were supposed to meet at TPumps today to debrief the power play made by Monta Vista FBLA but he hasn’t shown up. I’ve tried calling — no answer. It’s been three hours. Ashley, of course, is referring to Kevin Cha, her longtime boyfriend and standing Vice President of Janitorial Services in FBLA. He is notorious for wearing jeggings at least three times per week, even when sleeping. “Don’t worry, ma’am. I’ll have him home by the end of the day.” Jeremy texts Isabel. “Mission accomplished. Bring him home.”
April 1, 2014
The Prospector
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER EIGHT
Friends make the worst enemies.
The best thing about human beings is that they stack so neatly.
“But Jeremy, I don’t understand. Why would Keely ever want to kidnap Kevin?” Ashley and Jeremy sit cross-legged on the floor of the AP Calculus BC classroom, enjoying a five-course meal consisting solely of pizza. Ashley still looks distraught. Jeremy shakes his head. “Keely has a weakness: games.” He gingerly places a hand on Ashley’s shoulder. “And you know Kevin’s bossness at Team Fortress 2. She wanted his secrets.” Ashley is shaking. “What a bitch. I bet she didn’t even get to 4096 on her own. Anyway, in light of your outstanding services and Nick’s sudden resignation, I would like to extend the Vice President position to you.” “Surely there must be someone better than me.” “No, you’re the only one I can trust.”
It’s Tuesday. An FBLA officer meeting. Jonathan Mo, Jeremy’s trusted bodyguard, holds a crumpled sheet of paper up to the flickering fluorescent light in the AP Calculus BC classroom. “I can’t believe she would kill herself,” Matthew Porras, a thus far completely unimportant character in this story, says quietly. Jeremy lowers his gaze. “I understand. Anyone would lose hope after seeing their loved ones killed so brutally. Especially in Team Fortress 2.” The entire officer team shudders in unison. Reading the note again, Jonathan says, “It looks like Ashley wanted you to become the new President of FBLA after her death.” Jeremy feigns surprise. “I could never—” “But you must.” Matthew pulls his trusty FBLA handbook out of his back pocket. Jeremy places one hand on the cover and the other over his heart. “I, Jeremy Xue, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of Future Business Leaders of America, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of CEOs-to-Be.” The room erupts in bittersweet applause.
EPILOGUE The road to power is paved with hypocrisy, and casualties.
CHAPTER SIX Let the butchery begin. Ashley stabs Keely in the back. Literally. She sells the remains to the Cupertino High School cafeteria.**
CHAPTER SEVEN There is but one rule: hunt or be hunted. Jeremy opens his door — he has overtaken the AP Calculus AB classroom that once belonged to Nick. Ashley stands before him. “Why’d you invite me over?” “I have something that might interest you.” Taking Ashley’s hand, Jeremy delicately guides her to a swivel chair facing two monitors. On one are the Team Fortress 2 characters belonging to Jeremy and Kevin. On the other is a live feed of Kevin Cha helplessly tied to a chair in the AP Statistics classroom, watching the same Team Fortress 2 feed. “Not AP Statistics!” Ashley cries. Jeremy’s eyes widen with excitement, his pupils laced with menace. Ashley is amazed. Jeremy has pupils? Jeremy picks up his keyboard and begins smashing the ‘g’ key. Kevin’s idle avatar is helpless against Jeremy’s unceasing attacks. It soon collapses and fails to respawn. The real Kevin, gagged and bound by ropes, cries pitifully, forming a pool of tears on his new prized jeggings. This horrific sight brings Ashley to her knees. “Why would you do this to me? To him? To both of us?” “It’s time for you to disappear. You know too much.” “What will become of FBLA?” “You won’t have to worry about that where you’re going.”
Several months have passed since the incidents described. Unfortunately for Isabel, Jeremy has moved on to Jonathan Mo. Stricken with grief, Isabel turns to the bottle — Naked Juice — and grows a beard. One rainy Thursday night, Isabel, drunk on her five daily servings of fruit and singing about dying for Ireland, stumbles into the AP Calculus BC classroom. “What are you doing here, Isabel? Go home.” It’s Mr. St. John. “I can’t. My heart is too heavy, and I will drown in the rain.” Mr. St. John looks concerned. “Do you need to talk?” So Isabel begins her narration. It goes a lot like this story. By the end, Mr. St. John is writhing in anger. “This is unacceptable!” he proclaims. “Jeremy will bring ruin to FBLA. You have to do something!” “I’ll see what I can do.” The next day, Mr. St. John files an executive order to remove Jeremy from office, effective immediately. He replaces the now-deposed tyrant with Isabel. After being sworn in and greeted by the rest of her team, she fixes her eyes on the pathetic lump of meat in the corner. Jeremy returns her gaze through his tears. Isabel smiles widely. “Aren’t you going to wish me a happy April Fool’s Day?”
* FBLA is known for turning out only the best in Future Business Leaders (of America). In fact, 99 percent of FBLA alumni go on to earn executive-level positions in the States. 99 percent of FBLA alumni outside the country become hobos. ** See “News Briefs” in page 3 for more information
Features
5
6
Lifestyles
The benefits of setting sail on a LINDSAY LOHAN flip side assistant
You walk through a sea of cute, adoring couples, alone. People ignore you; they’re too busy being in love. You begin to realize how out of place you are, when suddenly, you see a familiar face. She’s waving, walking slowly toward you. You start to walk faster, matching your pace with hers. You embrace each other and suddenly, you don’t feel so out of place. You finally have someone to pay attention to you. Even if you didn’t go to school where everyone happened to hangout in a weird relationship-clique, having someone to pay attention to you when you talk about how you think Becky shouldn’t be dating Alex because he totally had a thing with her sister last year, or how the cafeteria food totally is not worth the long lines, but you just can’t resist it. Or maybe you just want someone to tell you that you look good in those sweats, even though you know you really don’t. But really, why does it even matter? You’ve already landed some-
April 1, 2014
Relationship
one who’s seen you at your Lohan and still loves you at your Beyonce. What’s
t h e point in trying to impress anyone else? On a more serious note, not only do relationships make you cooler, but they also have a lot of added perks. Like when you go out to eat and you ask for a ta-
ble, they can find a table for two without feeling bad for you, not like before when they would have had to find you a table in the corner so people wouldn’t be weirded out that a loser like you had come to a romantic restaurant, alone. Similarly, they will, 99.99% of the time provide you with free food and drinks, LIKE CHIPOTLE AND STARBUCKS, and treat you to the occasional movie. There’s the added benefit that when you’re feeling lonely, there’s always someone there who wants to cheer you up and see you smile. Additionally, because the weather in California gets so unbearable in the winter months, having someone to huddle up with is incredibly useful. Basically, having a girlfriend (or boyfriend) makes you infinitely better than everyone else, and anyone else who says otherwise (Nikita) is wrong.
Relation Who needs the hassle?
Relationships are for (April) fools MICHAEL PHELPS sports assistant
Cooties. Boys have cooties. Girls have cooties. Everyone has cooties. With all this overwhelming evidence, we can conclude that relationships are completely not worth it. And for those of you who are trying to evade the long line of boys or girls --here’s a list that you can recite to your long list of lovers. Seriously though, having a significant other is such a waste of time. First of all, you have to share the
Did you know ... 99 percent of couples break up and the other 1 percent get divorced
The average length of a relationship is 3 to 5 minMost marutes riages take place
in the jungle because couples enjoy the scenic wildlife and the peace already meager amount of food that you have. Almost Looking all of my food would be split in half, and I would have acceptable, and quiet of the mon- depending on to upgrade my eating choices in order to live up to the standards of being in a relationship. I would have to give your face, takes keys up Costco samples and stuffing my pockets with packets an extra 30-40 of ketchup from Burger King. Instead of shopping from the dollar menu at McDonalds, I would have to upgrade and spend my money on things like Happy Meals, which cost a whole $1.99 more. Could you imagine the horror? Not only do you have to improve your living conditions, you have to pretend to be all cutesy and happy and interested in people. Let’s be real here, we all would much rather stay at home and watch “She’s the Man” while snacking on popcorn than go outside with a person, no matter how special they are. And going outside would mean you would have to look acceptable for someone.
An average pint of Ben and Jerry’s costs $5,000 less than chocolates for your significant other.
minutes of prep time, and therefore you would have to wake u p earlier everyday just to look great -- or as close to “great” as you can possibly get. Being in relationship not only creates situations in which you have to move from your beloved couch and go out to watch Frozen for the 6th time, but also ruins your sleep schedule by forcing you to wake up earlier every day. Being in a relationships also means that you have to give up time with your large group of two friends to spend every dying moment of the day with your significant other. You have to watch everything you say in case the water works decide to start, and give up the already limited social life that you have. Make up and gel is a must, and movies are never your choice. And let’s not forget about the ever present dangers of cooties. Bottom line is, being single is probably the best thing that could ever happen to you. So sit back, enjoy your freedom, and start another tub of ice-cream, because Ben & Jerry are the only men you’ll ever need.
7
Sports
April 1, 2014
Kremlin defeats Kim in controversial LoL match JAY-Z news editor
Russia faced off against longtime rival South Korea in the OCE League of Legends Spring Showdown sponsored by Moscow Airlines. Diana Kremlina Kruzmanovich (Диана Кремль Кузманович) represented Russia on the Red Team and YaneNa Kim represented South Korea on the Blue Team in a bestof-three series to determine the ultimate champion of Eurasia. In Game 1, a mid-lane matchup, Kruzmanovich played Diana against Kim’s Ahri. Kim led by 10 minion kills at the six-minute mark. Kruzmanovich unleashed a Crescent Strike, which caught Kim by surprise. Unable to land the Spirit Rush, Kim was tossed inward and slowed by a Moonfall and suddenly lost connection as Kruzmanovich finished it off with a double Lunar Rush to claim the first blood. Kim was unable to recover from the financial deficit and eventually lost as Kruzmanovich pushed through and destroyed her nexus. Game 2 saw a bot-lane contest with Kruzmanovich playing Arctic Warfare Caitlyn against Kim’s Vayne. The two were tied at eight minutes in terms of minion kills when Kim landed a Condemn right as Kruzmanovich hit a 90-Caliber Net. Both were knocked back quite a long distance as Kruzmanovich missed a Piltover Peacemaker. The trading in lane continued as they took potshots at each other. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge, lumbering bear wearing a Soviet military uniform barged into the battle and viciously clawed at Kim. Kim was forced to quickly retreat to her
10% believed that Kim was the rightful winner of the LoL match.
tower as she rapidly disposed of the bear; however, she was extremely low on health. Remembering her KGB training, Kruzmanovich pulled out the sniper rifle and trained her sights on Kim. BOOM. HEADSHOT! Stalin’s portrait smiled approvingly from the wall behind the analyst desk as the Russians took Game 2 in a blizzard of glory. After the series, American analysts began spreading rumors that the Russians had used shady Bolshevik tactics to cheat the South Koreans out of a fair victory. “Kruzmanovich sucked,” Challenger I player Marcus “Dyrus” Hill proclaimed. “Even Miley Dyrus has more skill than she does. I think Edward Snowden purposely knocked Yane-Na offline during Game 1 so the Russians could win.” Added Diamond I player James “PhantomL0rd” Varga, “The cops should just leave me alone and investigate this scandal instead. Seriously.” South Koreans were extremely disappointed by the loss. Said a red-faced President Park Geun-hye, “This loss represented a failure on the behalf of Riot Games to make these international competitions fair and equitable for all participants. South Koreans would like to make the statement that Queen Yane-Na still reigns in Seoul!” Vladimir Putin was at a conference with Sergey Akysonov but went on international television to put in his two cents on the victory: “Crimea river.”
NUMBER OF WORLD LEADERS SUPPORTING EACH COMPETITOR
90% believed that Kim should have beaten Kruzmanovich by a minion.
Diana Kremlina Kruzmanovich
Yane-na Kim
“Let it grow. Let it grow. It’s not growing back anymore.” Students outraged that turf is not growing
JIMMY FALLON opinions assistant
Two years after the remodeling of the field, all seems to be going well. That is, except for one incongruity. The artificial turf, on which the school has spent so much money, is not growing at the same pace as the previously-used natural grass. “In the two years since this turf has been installed, it hasn’t required any trimming or watering,” said head gardener Notta Cloo. “In fact, it appears not to have grown at all. I don’t really mind though, I get paid whether I have to mow it or not.” Cloo may be the only one pleased, however; this peculiar observation has incited angry protests from the student body, who are gravely concerned that the artificial turf seems to violate the fundamental laws of nature. “My AP Bio book says that grass uses photosynthesis to synthesize carbohydrates and grow!” protested junior Studee Ying. “How dare this turf disobey the biological principles that I’ve been cramming every Sunday night for the past year? Who does it think it is, to threaten the foundations of science that way?” To address this issue, Ying has started a new movement via social media, #GrowtheTurf2014. They are currently petitioning the school to stop using chemical fertilizers and pesti-
cides on the turf, hoping that organic artificial turf may grow more successfully. Until then, students are holding daily demonstrations in the quad to express their fervent opinions on this momentous topic. In response to these demonstrations, botany teacher Ida Ngo said, “Admittedly, I majored in natural plant botany and not artificial plant botany, so I’m not the ultimate authority on this subject, but I believe that we must conduct more qualitative and quantitative analysis before we can reach any definite conclusions. The protests in the quad do not make any real progress in this situation.” Despite Ngo’s evaluation, the influence of #GrowtheTurf2014 continues to expand. In fact, a related movement is currently forming, with many students expressing their resentment of the fact that the escalators going up to the balcony of the new building never seem to be working. The success of this new movement remains to be seen.
Flip Side
April 1, 2014
8
MARCH IN PHOTOS KANYE WEST
KANYE WEST
STEVIE WONDER
THU DAM
STEVIE WONDER
STUDYING HARD | Sophomores
Dana Tsuri-Eztioni and Hannah Lundquist study intently while prepping for the CAHSEE.
SAFARI ADVENTURE | Michael Li
returns from his six-month excursion to the safari desert in Africa, looking tanner than ever.
TOMMY NO MORE | CAT Members stand without direction after director Arcadia Conrad decided to cancel “The Who’s Tommy” because, according to her official statement, “musicals are stupid.”
FREE AT LAST | Angela Chang,
Gopika Hari and Muaz Amir celebrate as The College Board announces the cancelation of AP testing.
FRESHMAN VICTORY | For the
first time in school history, the freshman class comes in fourth place at a rally.
Connect-the-dots contest It’s time to design! Whoever submits the best drawing using this connect-the-dots template will win a free monthly subscription to The Prospector!
SERENA NGAN
Ask Joyce JOYCE YE features assistant
Q: Something most peculiar has been happening to me recently! I have noticed that the unusual contraption which takes in and lets out air on my face has been spurting a red liquid. How do I stop this from happening? A: Stop picking your nose. Q: My older sister is married but she told me that she can never trust her husband. She said that since he’s such a cheater, she’s not even sure the baby she’s carrying is hers! A: Wow, he sounds like a real cheater to me! You do know that if he has intercourse with another woman, you might actually be carrying her baby, right? Q: So there’s this guy in the school whom I like. He’s really sweet, but I am not sure how to approach him to let him know I like him. A: First, try to make your face extra attractive. All the boys will fall for this! Make sure to tuck your chin into your chest to accentuate your beautiful chins, and then roll your eyes upward to show off your whites. Also make sure to flare your nostrils and bit your upper lip with your full set of bottom teeth. Next, follow him around with this face all day, and make sure you’re in plain sight. It’s not stalking if he knows! When you finally approach him, immediately start talking about your period. Boys are secretly very interested in this subject, since they are unable to get periods of their own. COMPILED BY RISHI NAIR
THIS MONTH : APRIL
Bring Your Pet to School Day Monday, April 7
Dress Like a Hamster Day Thursday, April 24
STAR Testing Monday - Friday April 14-18
Sadie Hawkins Dance Friday, April 25
No School Saturday, April 19
New Constrution Begins Wednesday, April 30 JOYCE YE
Q: I’m really nervous about my upcoming junior year! I just don’t know if it’s enough to get me into college! I’m taking APUSH, AP Bio, AP Chemistry Honors, AP Calculus Z, AP Stats AB, AP Comp Sci and AP French, as well as AP Ancient Greek at Foothill. I’m also the president of two clubs and I play three sports. Furthermore, I founded a company, went to Zimbabwe on a mission trip and speak eight languages. Is that enough?? A: No, that’s probably not enough. Unless you’re okay with going to UC De Anza, that is. Q: HELP!!! MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK!!! HOW DO YOU FIX IT?? A: I’M SORRY. I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM! UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS NO WAY TO TURN IT OFF. YOU ARE STUCK WITH SOUNDING LIKE YOU’RE YELLING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!