2_Sexuality

about sexuality It doesn’t matter what era or culture, people go to great lengths to satisfy their sexual desires.

When a mine in northern Chile collapsed in the Summer of 2010, it left 33 men stuck below ground for nine weeks. The first 17 days were in desperate isolation. Miners rationed a few cans of tuna just to survive.

Once communication was established, basic needs were addressed first.

Food was sent down and letters from relatives began to arrive. Doctors then went to work on how to appease the expected rise in sexual desires. A request from the miners for inflatable sex dolls was rejected after the doctor in charge feared having to share them— a donor offered 10 instead of the necessary 33— would lead to jealousy.

“I said 33 or none. Otherwise they would be fighting for inflatable dolls: Whose turn is it? Who was seen with whose fiancée? You are flirting with my inflatable doll,” explained the medic, Dr Jean Romagnoli.1 Fighting over blank-faced plastic women was not healthy, so instead they were sent were sent pornography to temporarily feed sexual appetites.

3. the power of pixels

Our culture is desperately in search of its own sexual needs.

We live in what is, arguably, the most permissive, sexualized society in history. As Christ-followers, we have a lot to talk about here.

4. THE GEARS OF TEMPTATION

Like, what is sex really all about?

excursions 1. Sex and Sensibility 2. The search for something more

1. http://www.thaindian.com, 02.14.11 Sexuality 1

And where does the desire for connection and the drive to overcome separateness come from?

And the important distinction between sex and sexuality.

God created sex in the first place; He understands how we are wired, how relationships work, and how sexuality was designed to function. And He has a lot to say about it.

Buckle up. We have some work to do.

2  Sexuality

excursion one

Sex and Sensibility

Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

Mark Twain

Sex is like going to the supermarket: lots of pushing and shoving and not much to show for it.

Shirley Valentine

Nothing is so much to be shunned as sex relations.

Saint Augustine

There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden.

King Solomon

4  Sexuality

Excursion one

I didn’t hear the ‘S’ word at church until I was in high school. I guess they figured we were ready by then. It came up only three times (yes, I counted), always in the context of “The Talk.”

On each occasion the pastor’s wife showed up unannounced—wearing a white Victorian blouse buttoned up to her lower lip—and marched the girls to another room.

There, in a loose circle of metal folding chairs resting on the overwaxed brown linoleum floor in the Fellowship Hall, the Reverend hemmed and hawed and played with his collar like he was adjusting an imaginary tie. Each time, the message was short, simple, and the same: Sex outside of marriage is sin, so don’t do it.

Any questions?

Nope.

Time for foosball.

The vision Christian sexuality was nothing more than what not to do if we wanted to avoid God’s wrath. Mess around too much and it’s the hot flames of hell. Here was an organizational culture anchored in fear and ignorance.

Never mind the emotional hurricane bat­tering a teetering conscience and a tentative will. The message was clear: “Whatever personal storm is swirling inside, ignore it. Don’t even talk about.

That’s what we do.”

But how do I do that? How do I keep my mind from wan­dering where it shouldn’t go? Am I sinning just because I can’t quiet the sexual storm inside? Why doesn’t God take these urges away when I ask Him to? Is something wrong with me?

Sexuality 5

Those kinds of questions were met with silence. (After all, we’re not supposed to ask those kinds of questions, are we?)

Mention of the ‘S’ word set off a vigorous and scintil­lating scriptural debate: Where was the line?

It was akin to asking how close we can camp to a volcano without getting covered by molten lava. This was the heady stuff of Christian youth magazines and over-caffeinated camp speakers.

Everyone was an authority; no one had a clue.

The backroom chatter was all about a “baseball diamond.”

According to The Talk, God didn’t allow a home run (inter­course).

Fair enough. But was He okay with our getting to first base (kissing)? Or by grace, possibly even second (touching above the waist)? Or in His boundless mercy, might He even condone third base (touching below the waist)? At what point does the Divine yes become no?

The theological possibilities boggled our pubescent minds.

Sadly, Christian sexuality had been reduced to a juvenile discussion. Instead of encouraging maturity in per­sonal relationships and nurturing indi­vidual responsibility, the whole discus­sion was about what not to do.

The list of don’ts did nothing to encourage honest reflection about what it meant to grow as fully integrated and fulfilled men and women who under­stood the essential nature and meaning of our sexuality.

The discussion we never had was: What does it mean to be holy and wholly male or female? What is this gift of sexual­ity and how do we embrace, nurture and celebrate it?

We need a bibli­cal framework for sexu­ality—one that authentically engages the themes of mystery, identity, spirituality, gender, roles, 6 Sexuality

Excursion one

boundaries, and more. We need values with clear meaning that provide a moral GPS for navigating life in the 21st century.

Let’s begin with a look at our cultural context.

What does it mean to be holy and wholly male or female?

What is this gift of sexual­ity and how do we embrace, nurture and celebrate it?

Sexuality 7

What’s happening? The sex tsunami On December 26, 2004, a 9.0+ earth­quake under the Indian Ocean unleashed a killer tsunami, sending waves up to one hundred feet tall crashing onto the shores of Southeast Asia. It killed an estimated 275,000 people, making it one of the deadliest disasters in modern history.

The earthquake lasted close to ten minutes; most are no more than a few seconds. The effects were felt around the world, causing the planet to vibrate at least a few centimeters. NASA scientists have calculated that the earthquake slightly changed our planet’s shape, shaved almost 3 microseconds from the length of the day, and shifted the North Pole by centimeters.1 Meanwhile, the planet continues to shake from a “cultural earthquake” unleashed in 1989, when British computer scientist Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web. Along with the infinite advantages of the Web, this new technology also set in motion a sexual tsunami that continues to crash upon the lives of millions, or billions, of people around the globe with devastating effect.

• According to N2H2, an Internet content filtering company, there are 275 million pages of pornography online. That’s a separate page of porn for each person in the U.S.2 • Pornographic business trade on the NASDAQ and the NYSE is esti­mated to be $20 billion per year in the U.S.—$14 billion in California alone. This number is $57 billion worldwide—the same as the Gross Domestic Product (the value of all final goods and services produced within a nation in a given year) of countries such as Russia, Brazil, or Australia.

• What really is America’s favorite sport? Revenue from pornography in the U.S. is more than the combined revenues of

1. http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2005/10jan_earthquake/ 2. http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/internet-pornography-statistics.html 8 Sexuality

Excursion one

the National Football League, Major League Baseball, and the National Basketball Association.

• Where do we really turn for enter­tainment? Revenue from pornogra­phy exceeds the combined revenues of broadcasting companies ABC, NBC, and CBS. • According to the Kinsey Institute, 77 percent of Americans look at pornography at least one time a month; 58 percent at least once a week; 19 percent at least once a day.

• Same story with Christians: 53 percent of men who have attended a Promise Keepers gathering view pornography each week; 47 percent of Christians say that pornography is a major problem in their home; in 2003, Today’s Christian Woman magazine found that one in six Christian women struggles with pornography addiction.

• One study shows that 8-10 percent of all Internet users become hooked on cybersex (“the act of having sex, between two or more people, in a chatroom or in e-mails, without ever hearing the voice of the other, by simply viewing words typed on a screen.) 3 • Conservative estimates indicate that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair.

With statisti­cal projections, that means at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages.4 3. Dr. Bob Lanier, www.askbob.com 4. See, Peggy Vaughan, The Monogamy Myth (New York: Newmarket Press, 2003).

Sexuality 9

You wonder . . . is there something going on here?

It seems that we should be asking some basic questions. For example: • Why do Americans spend more money each year than the Gross Domestic Product of more than 80 percent of the world’s countries just to look at pictures of naked people?

• What is it that can cause an individual to become addicted to pictures of naked people after just a couple of glances, and cause a significant percentage to risk their marriage, career, family, finances, and health?

• How have we become the most sexually indulgent society in the history of mankind, where the entire culture is steeped in sexual imagery and permissiveness?

• Perhaps the ultimate question is: What are we searching for, and why?

Before we explore what’s happening, just a word about the need for this conversation.

Beyond a “head in the sand” history Historic Christian leaders understood and respected the power of sexuality. They knew that it needed boundaries in order to contain it and to keep it from destroying us. They realized that it was too raw, too powerful, too consuming for us to control on our own—a fire so consuming that, once released, could not be stifled.

However, in their attempt to contain this raw, powerful force, they often created boundaries that led to repression and denial instead of celebration. What was given by God as a gift was rebranded as a curse. An honest conversation about sexual wholeness means moving beyond the repressive ideas that have handi­capped the church for centuries.

10 Sexuality

Excursion one

An honest conversation about sexual wholeness means moving beyond the repressive ideas that have handi­capped the church for centuries Beginning in New Testament times, amid rampant sexual sin and Greek dualism (the flesh is evil, the spirit is good), early church leaders established a course of belief that dishonored the physical body and sexual pleasure.

Tertullian (A.D. 155–220) and Ambrose (A.D. 340–397) were said to prefer extinction of the human race to continued sexual intercourse.

Origen (A.D. 185–254) was so convinced of the evils of sexual pleasure that he created an allegorical interpretation of the Song of Solomon, and at one point, took a knife and castrated himself. If nothing else, that’s personal conviction!

Gregory of Nyssa (A.D. 335– 394) taught that Adam and Eve were created without sexual desire and that if the Fall had never occurred, the human race would have re­produced itself through some harmless mode similar to that of vegetation.

Chrysostom (A.D. 347–407) commented that Adam and Eve could not have had sexual rela­tions prior to the Fall.

Jerome (A.D. 340–420), who translated the Bible into Latin, warned Christians that “anyone who is too passionate a lover of his wife is an adulterer.” He often threw himself into thorny brambles in order to overwhelm himself with pain when he began to desire a woman sexually.

Augustine (A.D. 354–430) was sexually active prior to his conversion and later decided Sexuality 11

that sex within marriage was not sinful, though the lust and passion associated with it was sinful.

The view of the Catholic Church through the Middle Ages was that sexual love, both in and out of marriage, was evil. By the fifth century, priests were forbidden to marry. The church eventually began to limit the days on which sex was permissi­ble and continued adding days until more than half of the year was off-limits.

Peter Lombard (A.D. 1100–1164), Bishop of Paris and a leading theologian at the University of Paris, maintained that the Holy Spirit leaves the room when a married couple has sex, even if they do it without passion.

G Our society is filled with people for whom the sexual relationship is one where body meets body but where person fails to meet person. . .The result is that [relationships] lead not to fulfillment but to a half-conscious sense of incompleteness, of inner loneliness, which is so much the sickness of our time.

Frederick Buechner

Thomas Aquinas (A.D. 1225–1274) taught that sex was only permissible for pur­poses of procreation. “Because marriage is designed for procreation, a man who loves his wife too passionately is an adul­terer.” Aquinas also warned husbands that a wife’s touches give her dominion over her husband’s body and drag him into “a slavery more bitter than any other.”5 Martin Luther (A.D. 1438–1546) said, “Intercourse is never without sin; but God excuses it by his grace because the estate of marriage is his work, and he preserves in and through the sin all that good which he has implanted and blessed in marriage.”

Sadly, the church’s long legacy of distort­ed ideas about sex persists in many ways today. Instead of a vibrant, attractive message about the One who created sex and the purpose for it, the

5. Summa Theologica, II/II g.54 a. 8 12 Sexuality

Excursion one

Christian message comes packaged in the cobwebs of irrelevance and shame— a list of “dos and don’ts,” without the dos.

More than ever, we must recapture and articulate a vibrant, engaging, Biblical vision for sexuality.

While you were growing up, what were the five most significant influences (people, events, media, circumstances, etc.) that shaped your understanding of sex?

Sexuality 13

The Holy Spirit is in the process of conforming every aspect of personhood in the life of a Christ-follower—including sexuality. Pick 3-4 words from the list below that describe where you are in the process of your sexuality being transformed?

Stuck

Changing

Afraid

Healthy

Distorted

Nothing

Diseased

Hiding

Maturing

Unknown

Hopeful

Passive

Out of control

Thriving

Progressing

Blocked

Uncomfortable

Confused

Embarrassed

Vibrant

Learning

Conflicted

Optimistic

Worn-out

Overcoming

Challenged

Trusting

Out -of-it

Expectant

Desperate

Trying

Deep change

Beginning

Destructive

Emerging

Wanting

Just right

Struggling

Shut-down

Immature

Content

Ignoring

Shame

Freedom

Fearful

Empowered

Numb

Risking

Other:

Explain:

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Excursion one

What are the biggest obstacles to your taking “next steps” in this area of your life?

Sexuality 15

At its roots, sexual energy is a longing for wholeness, and that is why sexuality is at the heart of the spiritual life The meaning of “sex” Sometimes the real meaning of a word gets lost when it gets popularized in culture.

While sex means many things, the predominant use in American society is to describe physical intercourse. In a world saturated with pornography and obsessed with sex (see, you all know what I mean by this), it’s hard to imagine that just a little over 80 years ago, the word sex had nothing to do with intercourse, only gender (i.e. male or female).6 The word sex first showed up in the English language in the 1520’s, meaning “the quality of being male or female.” The origin can be traced back to 1350-1400 A.D., the time of Chaucer’s England, when English was displacing French as the language of the upper classes in schools and law courts.

Sex is derived from the Latin root verb, secare, which means to “cut off,” to severe,” “to amputate.” To be of one sex—male or female— means to be cut-off or severed from the whole.

This understanding points us back to the fundamental drive behind human sexual energy: The yearning to reconnect. At its roots, sexual energy is a longing for wholeness, and that is why sexuality is at the heart of the spiritual life.

6. The use of the word “sex” to mean sexual intercourse is first found in the English language in the writings of D.H. Lawrence in 1929. http://www.etymonline.com

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Excursion one

This powerful, life-force energy either moves us toward integration, wholeness, selflessness, sharing, and creating in the image of God, or it brings about disintegration, brokenness, selfishness, and isolation.

One of the important tasks of spirituality is to help understand and channel this energy so that it can be life-giving and lead to becoming conformed to the image of Jesus for the sake of others.

G Sexuality lies at the center of the spiritual life. A healthy sexuality is the single most powerful vehicle there is to lead us to selflessness and joy, just as unhealthy sexuality helps constellate selfishness and unhappiness as does nothing else. We will be happy in this life, depending upon whether or not we have a healthy sexuality.

Ronald Rolheiser The Holy Longing

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The difference between sex and sexuality Our use of the word sex influences our understanding sexuality.

We commonly use sexuality to describe sexual character, interests, or desires. It’s hard to think of this word without the cultural undertones of suggestiveness, eroticism, sexiness, or provocativeness.

But sexuality means something far more.

Sexuality is what we do with this enormous, all-encompassing energy we are given. At its roots, sexuality is drive for reconnection, for wholeness. It is about friendship, belonging, love, and transcendence. Sexual intercourse is simply one aspect of sexuality; it is a part of our sexuality, but it does not contain our sexuality.

Sexual intercourse always involves the entirety of our personhood. Though we exist as embodied persons, we are not just physical beings. Sex cannot be divorced from sexuality, which

18  Sexuality

Excursion one

encompasses the entirety of our experience: thinking, emotions, conscience, and will. We cannot divorce the physical act from the other dimensions of our experience.

Interestingly, physical sex alone cannot ultimately fulfill this longing for community, friendship, and delight. Without a context of unconditional love and commitment, sex by itself eventually results in feeling cut-off from self and others, and leads to disintegration instead of wholeness.

It is possible to experience healthy, dynamic sexuality without engaging in physical sex. At its roots, healthy sexuality both seeks and flows from a dynamic, life-giving connection to others.

We are healthily sexual when we have love, community, communion, family, friendship, affection, creativity, joy, delight, humor, and self-transcendence in our lives. Having these, as we know, depends on many things and not just on whether or not we sleep alone. One can have a lot of sex and still lack real love, community, family, friendship, and creativity, just as one may be celibate and have these in abundance.

We all know the popular dictum (and how true it is) that it is often easier to find a lover than a friend. Sexuality is as much about having friends as it is about having lovers. It is painful to sleep alone but it is perhaps even more painful to sleep alone when you are not sleeping alone.

Thus, while genitality should never be denigrated and seen as something that is not spiritual or important, it should not be asked, all by itself, to be responsible for community, friendship, family, and delight within our lives.7

7.  Ibid., 195-196.

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Maybe the ancient Greek philosophers had it right when they made the distinction between several kinds of love, for example: philia, friendship; agape, selflessness; eros, sensual desiring; and, storge, familial affection. Sexuality involves the totality of life energy this is directed toward wholeness in many different ways.

Understanding our worldview Either sex is a sacred and holy act or it has no more importance than a handshake. It all has to do with how we understand the meaning and context for our lives.

During a Starbucks discussion, a twen­tysomething man put it like this: “Why do you make such a big deal out of sex; after all, it’s just f---ing. Why drag God into it?” Crude, but clear.

He’s got a good point. If we are nothing more than complex proteins that randomly evolved from the primordial soup billions of years ago, then sex is simply a basic evolutionary mechanism and represents nothing more than rubbing bodies together. Period.

By contrast, the Bible informs us that we are much more than the by-products of evolutionary chance. Being created in the image of God means that our lives our sacred. Sex, therefore, not only has a Designer, but also a design.

Our sexuality is an integral part of what it means to be created in the image of God. Together, male and female com­prise a kind of communion that reflects the oneness found in our Creator. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”8

8. Genesis 1:27 20 Sexuality

Excursion one

A Biblical perspective on sex The Bible tells us that God created both man and woman, and that as male and female they represent two aspects of one reality which was pronounced to be very good.9 Sexual intercourse is the physical uniting of these two separated dimensions of personhood into one, representing the wholeness of God’s original creation.

The Hebrew term for this coming together, yada, to know, portrays sexual intimacy as the ultimate, sacred act of knowing and being known—the very reconstitution of these two complementary natures into one.

C. S. Lewis’s discussion of the four loves is helpful here. Lewis makes a dis­tinction between Eros and Venus. Eros is “that kind of love which lovers are ‘in’”. Venus is the “animally sexual element within Eros”.

Lewis writes, “Sexual desire, without Eros, wants . . . the thing in itself”—that is, intercourse as an end in itself. On the other hand, true love involves Eros, which “wants the Beloved.”10 God created intercourse as a way to express the intimate oneness of mar­riage. It is the covenant of marriage—the commitment to unconditional love11— that safeguards the sacredness of intercourse. What is sacred is thus safeguarded by a bond that cannot be broken.

9. Genesis 1:31 10. C.S. Lewis, “The Four Loves,” in The Inspirational Writings of C.S. Lewis (New York: Inspirational Press, 1994), 263.

11. ... and be united to his wife (Genesis 2:24).

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Is sex just an appetite? The tale of two windows Is sex just an appetite—a drive—an instinctual, physical need to be met, no different than hunger? An honest conver­sation about sexu­ality challenges the Darwinist assump­tions that for too long have informed our thinking.

Set into the side of a plain brick wall just off Rush Street, in the heart of Chicago’s famous Loop, was a huge, opaque pink window. All about town it was referred to it as the infamous “Pink Window.” With stage lights shining behind it, the Pink Window had the feel of a jumbo-sized lava lamp.

The pink window was the backdrop for a strip club stage. A writhing female silhouette seduced the steady crowd of curious men who clogged the narrow sidewalk. Hurried stockbrokers, landlocked sailors, giggling schoolboys, and bearded ortho­dox priests all stood mesmerized in front of the Pink Window. The energy pulsing through the crowd was measurable.

By contrast, on the corner at the end of the block, was an upscale neighborhood bakery. The window was crammed full of threetiered cakes and elegant pastries.

Passersby would steal a hurried peek at the Linzer tortes and the cream-filled éclairs, but no crowds formed outside to ogle these delicacies, not even for the Chocolate Macaroons.

22 Sexuality

Excursion one

Two windows. Two appetites. Two different reactions.

I wonder if there is something sacred about sex as opposed to food?

Even a good evolutionist can’t keep a straight face here. There is something eminently more powerful and meaning­ful and more complex about sex than there is about a lemon raspber­r y mousse.

Though there are more than a quarter-billion pages of pornography online, it’s hard to find a Web site with ex­plicit photos of des­serts that are “barely 18.” Where can we find an “adult store” (what is so adult about them?) to watch a peep show of a glazed donut?

And it can be a real challenge to find a magazine that features glossy, airbrushed pin-ups of perfectly shaped pork chops.

C. S. Lewis gives us a warning that some­thing is awry in our culture.

You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease act— that is to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you came to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on to the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food?

And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think that there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us?12 Lewis points out that if we encountered a culture that engaged in strip-tease acts with food, we might conclude that the people in that country were either: (1) starving, or (2) the natural appetite had been perverted.

12. C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: Macmillan, 1972) 89-90.

Sexuality 23

We have the same basic options con­cerning the issue of sex in our culture. Are we starved for sex as a society—do the media and the Internet not provide enough visual stimuli? Is our culture too restrictive—too Victorian?

Or has that appetite been perverted?

In the first place, our warped natures, the devils who tempt us, and all the contemporary propaganda for lust, combine to make us feel that the desires we are resisting are so “natural,” so “healthy,” and so reasonable, that it is almost perverse and abnormal to resist them. Poster after poster, film after film, novel after novel, associate the idea of sexual indulgence with the ideas of health, normality, youth, frankness, and good humour.

Now this association is a lie.

Like all powerful lies, it is based on a truth—that sex in itself (apart from the excesses and obsessions that have grown round it) is “normal” and “healthy,” and all the rest of it. The lie consists in the suggestion that any sexual act to which you are tempted at the moment is also healthy and normal.13 Our worldview will dictate how we regard the meaning of sex.

Either, sex is an ultimately meaningless, evolutionary response for meeting a physical need, much like hunger.

Or, sex is sacred, created by God for humankind to experience the ultimate form of intimacy through self-giving within the protected context of a committed, unconditional relationship.

Which is it? It can’t be both.

13. Ibid., 93.

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Excursion one

Genesis 2:18-25 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” 19Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air.

He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” 24For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 25The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

18

Thoughts.

In Genesis 2:7, Yahweh shapes man, Hebrew, adam, from ‘adamah, the soil of the ground, and blew the breath of life into man’s nostrils, and man became a living being.

It is interesting to note that man, who had God to talk to in the Garden (2:16-17), was still not satisfied; he needed one of his own nature (flesh) to relate to, and so God made woman. Genesis 2:18 states that it is not good for us to live alienated from one another.

Man falls into a deep sleep, and from his side God forms woman.

The two were created as complementary parts of one another.

The fullness of these two complements together is what overcomes isolation. This oneness—sexual intimacy—is the reconstitution of the whole. It is the story of the sexual energy that God built into humanity’s flesh so that they might experience the deepest sense of oneness humanly possible.

Sexuality 25

This kind of oneness is meant to be protected. God gives basic instructions about His design for human sexuality: to establish a new family constellation; to unite men and women in committed relationships (this is where institution of marriage comes from); and for them to become one flesh.

Woman is described as man’s helper, ezer, in Genesis 2:20. Note that the Hebrew word is ezer, “helper,” and not ebed, which means “servant.” Woman is a true com­plement for man, and not subject to him. God created woman to be an equal partner.

“For this reason” (v. 24) summarizes the purpose of sexual intercourse. What is that purpose?

According to the text, what is the context in which sexual intercourse is intended? Why do you think that is?

26 Sexuality

Excursion one

sharing wisdom

On a trip to Starbucks, you see Pete, who attends the same home Bible study group. He wants to follow-up on the topic of sexual purity, which was the focus of last night’s lesson. He’s honestly confused about why some Christians are so uptight about sex.

“Why do you make such a big deal out of sex; after all, it’s just f---ing. Why drag God into it?”

What would you say to Pete?

Sexuality 27

28 Sexuality

excursion two

The Search for Something More

“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best”—and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.

Winnie the Pooh

The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God. Bruce Marshall

Desire is always stronger than satisfaction.

Ronald Rolheiser

When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.

King Solomon

30 Sexuality

Excursion two

People are bored and seeking a fix. They’re searching for something more.

11:00 p.m.

While his wife and kids are asleep upstairs, Brad is busy viewing graphic images on porn sites. Nothing is “enough” for Brad— the longer he sits, the more empty he feels. Brad explores whatever fetish catches his eye, drifting from one series of photos to the next. He is stimulated, bored, numb and ashamed all at the same time.

Brad rationalizes that he can stop at any time. And he does for a season, before inevitably returning to sit transfixed in front of glowing monitor in a dark room, in the middle of the night, with a cast of thousands to entertain him. . . and yet desperately alone.

Midnight Karisa, who spends her weekend nights in bed with different men, has been binging and purging food for two hours. She’s trying to cope with being out of control.

1:00 a.m.

Vivian, 16, is in her bedroom, secretly cutting herself with a razor because of what her boyfriend made her do. She’s too ashamed to admit it to anyone, including herself.

2:00 a.m.

Derrick stares through the darkness at his ceiling, wondering how he is going to convince his girlfriend to have an abor­tion.

Sexuality 31

3:00 a.m.

Once again, Annie has spent the night online in sex chat rooms. At times like this, when she is tired and vulnerable, she asks herself how she has come to this place in her life.

Annie feels ashamed when she thinks about the drive to fantasize, talk, flirt, and possibly “hook up” with faceless men. She thrives on the attention, mystery and danger that have become the sum of her sexual life.

This excitement is familiar. Annie grew up with little affirmation from a mother who was addicted to pills, and a father who valued his sons and ignored his daughters. When Annie was twelve, she discovered her father’s collection of Playboy magazines and was fascinated by the perfect bodies and the obsession that men seemed to have concerning sex.

In her teen years, Annie discovered that she could get male at­tention by using her body, and began to have sex to get the affirmation she so desperately needs.

Years later, Annie is still driven by a need to feel loved and complete. Now, however, her sexual behavior is out of control.

4:00 a.m.

After partying all night, Luis takes another man home, not mentioning that he has tested positive for HIV. 5:00 a.m.

Helen is in the bathroom, crying because . . .

32 Sexuality

Excursion two

Bewitched by the possibilities of “some­thing more,” we are drawn into a com­pelling current of sexual indulgence, pulled into places never dreamed of or desired. Again, this is one of those places we need to ask some honest questions. “What are we searching for?” “And why?”

Sexuality 33

Lectio Divina I Corinthians 6:12-20 12

”Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is

permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13”Food for the stomach and the stomach for food”—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. 18Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

34 Sexuality

Excursion two

Relinquish, relinquere • To “leave behind”; choosing availability to God’s invitations; relinquishing the heart.

• A fixed resolve ahead of time to obedience.

• Inner shift from distraction to awaiting.

Reading, lectio • Ingesting the words, absorbing their meaning.

• Instead of mastering the text, allowing the text to master us.

• Inner shift from control to receptivity.

Thinking, meditatio • Horizontal focus.

• Not, “What does this passage mean?” but, “How does Jesus want to reveal Himself to me, or what does He want to say to me, through this passage?”

• Gnawing on words, awakened and alert to God’s possibilities in and through them.

• Inner shift from analysis to awakening.

Praying, oratio • Acknowledging and embracing God’s invitations.

• Our response can look like many things, e.g. thanks, conviction, hope, tears, praise, confession, repentance, courage, choosing, worship, giving, etc.

• Inner shift from observation to obedience.

Responding to God, contemplatio • Vertical focus— personal, dialogical.

• Dialogue— consisting of both receiving and responding.

• Inner shift from processing to Presence.

Sexuality 35

The “Something More” Knit into the fabric of humanity is the hunger for transcendence.

It’s how we’re wired. We long for: • Mystery—for what is beyond us.

• Beauty—that which captivates and moves our being.

• Truth—the search for meaning.

• Belonging—the need to know and be known.

These longings are unique to human beings, and they give us a window into what it means to be fully alive.

As far as we know, neither pinecones, petunias, or penguins experience these kinds of longings.

Sexuality’s true glory, as revealed in the Bible, is the emotional, spiritual, and physical self-giving that co-joins two people into one. Here, the transcen­dent—the sacred—happens in our midst.

Mystery, Beauty, Truth, and Belonging come together.

We long to stand in awe of one another, just as Adam and Eve must have done when they first locked gazes. We long for our whole body to tingle with the thrill of knowing that this one fascinating being, this being of a different gender, has been created especially for us and given to us unreservedly for our help, comfort, and joy. Men and women ache for the heart

We long to stand in awe of one another, just as Adam and Eve must have done when they first locked gazes 36 Sexuality

Excursion two

with which to know this reality, and for the eyes with which to see one another (and therefore themselves) as the astounding miracles that they are.1 The mystery of sexual oneness is lost on a culture characterized by self-focused, short-term gratification. In our search for intimacy, we have emptied sexual intercourse of its true meaning by separating it from its intended purpose and context. The idol that commands our attention and energies ultimately steal from us the very thing we seek.

The mon­strosity of sexual inter­course outside of mar­riage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.2 The Message translation of the New Testament captures this same idea: There is more to sex than mere skin to skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two shall become one.”. . . We must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us lonelier than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another.3

Sexual intercourse is the physical expression of oneness. Without the accompanying emotional and spiritual oneness, it leaves us, ultimately, searching for something more.

1. Mike Mason, The Mystery of Marriage (Sisters, OR: Multnomah Press, 1985), 27.

2. C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: Macmillan, 1972) 96.

3. I Corinthians 6:16-18 (Message Translation) Sexuality 37

The Counterfeit Search When Friday Goldman launched her career as a phone sex operator as an 18-year-old, she began to ex­periment with “what works.” Her research paid off. In her first year, she brought in more than $150,000 talking dirty on the phone. By age 23, she was student at Cleveland State University, and operating her own phone sex company, em­ploying about thirty people.

How did she do it?

Goldman says there’s a formula for good dirty talk, an algorithm of desire. Her tips and tricks eventually morphed into a sophisticated digital guide that sex phone operators could quickly search and refer to, known as the Phone Sex Matrix. Goldman’s guidance helped stretch the length of the average call from 14 minutes to 24 minutes (at $2.99 per minute) within six months—nearly double the industry average.

“Most people could be phone sex opera­tors,” she says. “You just have to tap into what’s human about you,” Goldman says, “the key is to just take something in your everyday life and pervert it.”4 Friday Goldman is onto something important here.

Just take something in your everyday life and pervert it.

4. Wired Magazine, July 2005, 93-94.

38 Sexuality

Excursion two

Let’s call it The Perversion Principle—to take that which was intended for good and distort it, in order to accomplish the op­posite effect. In fact, there is a long and inglorious history of God’s people doing just that—substituting counterfeits—e.g., idols, ceremonies, and rules— for the real thing.

Perversion is a Latin word consisting of two parts: per, away + vertere, to turn. It means to reverse the meaning or direction of something—to do some­thing similar which in reality creates the opposite effect.

For example, sex.

God intended sex to be the high point of self-giving and self-revelation. In pornography, how much self-giving and self-revelation is there? What is intended as an act of sacred intimacy to both com­municate and foster a profound sense of oneness is instead driven by self-fulfillment, control, abuse, and worse.

Just take something in your everyday life and pervert it.

What was designed to be sacred is made to be profane.

Biblical history reveals that when humankind does not worship the Creator, it will instead worship its own procreative abilities. The longing for something more has simply been hijacked by the Perversion Principle.

Sexuality 39

sharing wisdom

Blog response to: Diane Sollee, Director of Smart Marriages Conference Dear Diane, I love reading studies about cultural attitudes towards relationships. . . .

It’s funny because I think the only reason to be with a person is to build a future, and if you see the relationship as incompatible or not suited for the long run, then I wouldn’t waste my time.

And even though I realize that this is a mature and positive attitude, I criticize myself for being so serious.

Anyways, I agree that the general population of twentysomethings don’t connect sex with morality or commitment. It’s sad.

Don’t you think that something must be done?

I think that the programs that Smart Marriages has are great, but it seems that so many of them have a religious connection.

Do you offer any that aren’t?

Thanks for your informative e-mails.

Kristine

40 Sexuality

Excursion two

How would you describe Kristine’s worldview?

What is Kristine looking for?

What are Kristine’s choices for guidance regarding sex and morality outside of a “religious” framework?

Sexuality 41

Write a short, one paragraph response to Kristine using bullet-points.

42  Sexuality

Excursion two

G

immorality—when we become one

This sinful tendency becomes partic-

heterosexual covenant.

with an image or person outside the

ularly oppressive the longer it goes on.

The Father revealed this to me a while

The deep-rooted nature of these

back after an intense period of sexual

practices and the spiritual oppression

temptation. Although I didn’t yield

that accompanies them involves a fear

to sin, I was puzzled and cried out to

and a flight from real connectedness

Him, “Why the intensity, Father?”

with real people. I refer to non-erotic intimacy here. Most persons with

Over the course of an hour, the Father

long-standing struggles with sexual

revealed a chain of memories that

sin do not know the meaning of rela-

conveyed how deep and constant

tionships where esteem and empow-

my pursuit of illicit sexual imagery

ering transpire without seduction,

was, beginning in late childhood and

with both members fully clothed.

extending over the course of my teens.

I spent much time alone seeking out

Early on, I began to equate sex with

erotic pictures and books and ulti-

intimacy. Aware of my aloneness and

mately people.

the perceived inability of others to meet my needs for empowering and

No one knew this in “real life,” but in

esteem, I discovered the power of

my private world a powerful broken-

sex. Legitimate needs get suppressed

ness deepened each time I entered

in the rush of orgasm and the lure of

into an illicit union with an image on

erotica yet to be had.

paper or in person, or one summoned from my own debased memory bank.

Illicit sex afforded me a kind of control.

I need not face the pain and risk being

Satan inhabits this private world

involved in becoming known by oth-

and does all he can to strengthen

ers as a person who is as strong and

the tie between immoral images

gifted as he is wounded and needy.

and the deceived heart that does not

I found cover in the flesh—idealized

resist them. He wants us to sacrifice

body images wholly separate from the

more time and money and energy

heart. I can get it when I want it and

in devoting ourselves to idols in the

thereby exert control over the more

form of idealized man or woman. A

risky and tenuous returns of relating

very real form of worship transpires

to others at a heart level.

here. We bow down to the lord of perversion—he who imitates life and love and creativity via sexual

Andrew Comiskey, “From the Famine of Sexual Addiction to the Feast of Life”

Sexuality 43

My sexuality Take an honest inventory of your own experience. (These will be discussed in separate all-men or all-women settings.)

True False I have never experienced the pull of the Perversion Principle.

I have experienced the reality that “Satan inhabits this private world.”

I struggle to have meaningful and empowering relationships.

There is a part of me that is seeking “something more,” but I don’t know how to appropriately pursue it.

These kinds of questions make me feel uneasy.

Satan and counterfeit: The perversion principle in action WARNING: This section deals with the worship practices of the Church of Satan. It reveals the Perversion Principle, which counterfeits that which is True. A reminder: Though we have a real spiritual adversary, we also have a more powerful spiritual advocate.

My dear children,. . . the Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world.5

5. I John 4:4 44 Sexuality

Excursion two

An honest question here is, “What is it that exacerbates and enflames the perverted search for something more into a compulsive frenzy?”

A Biblical worldview includes the reality of Satan, a spiritual adversary who opposes God’s purposes for our lives. Scripture reveals Satan as the master of all lies, one who takes what is sacred and makes it profane.

He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.6

We find the Perversion Principle as a primary tactic used by Satan.

Angelic beings cannot create. Thus, as a fallen angel, Satan cannot create anything on his own; he can only use, pervert, or distort what already exists. Satan’s tactic is to take that which is meant for good and distort it for the purpose of evil.

Worship in the Church of Satan is a good example of the Perversion Principle. Their liturgy carefully follows an ancient Christian liturgy, perverting it step-for-step. Their liturgy reveals a satanic agenda for the fulfillment of human lust.

Whereas Christian worship nur­tures personal holiness, satanic worship encourages sexual gratification. The Black Mass is traditionally used as a sex ritual, intended to bring sexual favor to the participant.

Let’s take a brief look at the first part of the Black Mass.7 (Red highlights are added for emphasis.)

6. John 8:44 7. See, Anton LaVey, The Satanic Rituals (New York: Avon Press, 1972).

Sexuality 45

The Black Mass Liturgy • Ringing of the Bell • Opening/Banishing Rite • Invocation to Satan (and/or other demonic powers) • Drink from Chalice Celebrant: Before the mighty and ineffable Prince of Darkness, and in the company of all the demons of the pit, I do hereby proclaim that satan-lucifer rules the earthly domain, I renew my promise to honor and respect him throughout life, without reservation, desiring in return his manifold assistance in fulfilling my desires and enflam­ing my passion for vital existence (i.e., intercourse) Offertory: Blessing of a wafer of turnip or black bread upon the altar.

Celebrant recites canon: Lord of Darkness, I Beseech You that You shall receive and accept this sacrifice, which I offer to You, I, upon whom you have set your mark, that you may cause to go forth at my bidding Your Minions for the fulfillment of my desires and destruc­tion of my enemies. For Thy unfailing assistance in this particular need; to be purged of all conditioned ignorance that has been forced upon me! Destroy that ignorant morality that combats nature itself! Cleanse my mind and heart with the Infernal Flames of Hell!

Consecration of the cup and the bread Celebrant recites: O Dark Lord, I am Thy Faithful Child, I do trust in your boundless power and might. It is through you that gifts come to us; knowledge, power, wealth are yours to bestow upon Thy Spawn. I place my trust in myself and in You, God of the Flesh, God of the Living. For I seek the satisfaction of all my desires and success in the land of the living, the earthly domain! For I have been incarnated into the flesh, born into 46 Sexuality

Excursion two

carnality, guided by the precepts of earthly satisfaction. I make bold to say: Our Father which art in Hell, hallowed be Thy name.

Thy Kingdom has come, Thy Will is done on Earth as it is in Hell. Give me this everlasting night, my rightful due, and trespass not on paths of torture.

Lead me unto enlightenment and power! Deliver me from ignorance and weakness, for Thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever!

Ceremony of the bread: The bread is then thrown to the ground and repeatedly smashed into the ground (representing the body of Christ) while the gong/bell is repeatedly struck.

Ceremony of the cup: Drink from Chalice, the Elixir of Life and Ecstasy.

Closing declaration: Hail Satan, Hail Lucifer, and Hail all the Gods of Liberation, by whose assistance I am liberated in conscience and in heart!

Desecration: [The Lord’s Prayer Backwards (beginning with the last letter of the last word reading backwards) is read aloud to commence the Desecration. Sometime during the Desecration, it is suggested that the celebrant visualize shackles on the wrists and ankles, representing the repression of Christianity, with the shackles being struck by thunder­ous bolts of lightning and breaking free from any constraints.]

Instead of creating new realities, Satan can only distort what already exists. Distortion leads to misdirection, which ultimately leads to destruction.

Satan distorts what is sacred as a way to destroy it, taking that which was created for good—Mystery, Beauty, Truth, Belonging—and profaning it.

Celebrant (with extreme anger): [Prayer of curses against Jesus]

Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey understands how to appeal to human nature.

Pay attention to the tactics employed here, and to what is chiefly exhalted in the human experience.

Sexuality 47

Angelic beings cannot create.

Thus, as a fallen angel, Satan cannot create anything on his own Fantasy plays an important part in any religious curriculum, for the subjective mind is less discriminating about the quality of its food than it is about the taste.8

Back to our questions. . .

Why do we spend billions of dollars to look at naked people?

Why are there almost 300 million pages of porn on the Web? Why is it that what was created to be the most glorious and powerful form of intimacy—mirroring the oneness of God and with the potential to create eternal beings—is now the catalyst multi-billion dollar industry that

8. Ibid., 34.

48 Sexuality

enslaves millions in addictive and destructive behav­ior?

Is there an oth­erworldly power that drives the perver­sion of true sexuality? A power that cannot create, but can only distort what already exists? A personality that attempts to enslave God’s creation in bondage, and to destroy individuals, relationships, marriages, and families?

Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.9

The search for transcendence— for God—has been hijacked.

While pornography appeals to our internally hardwired quest for mystery, beauty, truth, and belonging, it distorts the Real.

Pornography taps into our quest for mystery. It appeals to our desire for beauty. Porn implicitly 9. Ephesians 6:11-12

Excursion two

imposes a distorted framework of truth. And it portrays the highest form of belonging. However, instead of experiencing intimacy and wholeness, we are left with an anxious need for “more.”

Whereas true sexuality brings about integration, the counterfeit results in disintegration, isolation, and bondage, as we become increasingly cut-off from the very things we seek.

When a person resists seeking completion in the Creator, he/she will inevitably pursue it in the created.

How do you respond to the insights in this section about Satan’s tactics, and his use of the Perversion Principle?

Choose the response that best fits.

Skeptical: Hard to believe in a literal Satan who would undermine my sexuality.

Uneasy: I don’t like hearing or reading about Satan or his tactics, because it makes me feel vulnerable.

Intimidated: I never knew Satan was so entrenched in the battle for my sexuality, and it intimidates me to think that he actively targets my sexuality as a way to destroy my relationship with Christ and others.

Aware:It makes sense that Satan would employ certain tactics and attack us in the area of our sexuality in an attempt to derail God’s design for our lives.

Empowered: Having seen a little of Satan’s “playbook,” it just confirms what I already believe and have experienced. It motivates me to take inventory in my own life and to close any doors that may have been opened to him.

Not sure: Other:

Sexuality 49

Explain:

The counterfeit relationship Sexual intercourse was created for relation­ships characterized by sacred belonging within a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. However, a culture bent on self-fulfillment is quick to create its own rules, dis­missing even the possibility that life has ultimate designs.

It’s sex on one’s own terms.

Cohabitation is replacing marriage as the relationship of choice.

When blush­ing brides walk down the aisle today, well over half have already lived together with their boyfriends. In 1960, there

Pornography taps into our quest for mystery. It appeals to our desire for beauty 50 Sexuality

Excursion two

were ninety married couples for every cohabiting couple; today the ration is 12 to 1. In one decade alone—the 1990s—the number of unmarried couples living together increased by 72 percent.10 For the first generation to come of age during the divorce revolution, living to­gether seems like a good way to achieve some of the benefits of marriage and avoid the risk of divorce.

Couples who live together can share ex­penses and learn more about each other. They can find out if their partner has what it takes to be married. If things don’t work out, breaking up is easy to do. Cohabiting couples do not have to seek legal or religious permission to dissolve their union. And they have ready access to sex.

Not surprisingly, most young people say it is a good idea to live with a person before marrying. One survey of high school seniors found that 66 percent of boys and 61 percent of girls said that they “agreed” or “mostly agreed” that “it is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married, in order to find out whether they really get along.”11 But a careful review of social science evidence sug­gests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or avoid divorce. In fact, the odds of a divorce after living together are much higher than for couples who have not lived together prior to marriage.12

10. U.S. Census Bureau, 2000.

11. Paige D. Martin, Don Martin and Maggie Martin, “Adolescent Premarital Sexual Activity, Cohabitation, and Attitudes toward Marriage,” Adolescence, vol. 36, no. 143, Fall 2001.

12. See for example, Alfred DeMaris and K. Vaninadha Rao, “Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Instability in the United States: A Reassessment,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 54 (1992):178-190; Pamela J. Smock, “Cohabitation in the United States,” Annual Review of Sociology 26 (2000); William G. Axinn and Jennifer S. Barber, “Living Arrangements and Family Formation Attitudes in Early Adulthood,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 59 (1997):595-611; Susan L. Brown, “The Effect of Union Type on Psychological Well-Being: Depression Among Cohabitors Versus Marrieds,” Journal of Health and Social Behavior 41 (2000):241-55; Catherine L. Cohan and Stacey Kleinbaum, “Toward a Greater Understanding of the Cohabitation Effect: Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Communication,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 64 (2002): 180-192.

Sexuality 51

Multiple research studies conclude that the divorce rate for those who have previously cohabited is about 46 percent higher than for non-cohabitors.“13 The current divorce rate in the U.S. is around 50 percent. The divorce rate for those who have lived together and then married is 73 percent.

The authors of a study of premarital co­habitation and subsequent marital stabil­ity, after reviewing all previous studies available on cohabitation, stated that the enhanced risk of marital disruption following cohabitation “is beginning to take on the status of an empirical gen­eralization.” That is, it’s a predictable outcome.14 One has to wonder if “test drive” doesn’t work because it contradicts God’s design for relation­ships, and how He wired the human soul.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.15

If living together were a test of marital compatibility, the statistics would presumably indicate that couples living together have stronger marriages. But they don’t.

Consequences for the conscience and will Augustine comments on the search for something more: “Our hearts are rest­less until they find their rest in Thee.”16 Whether aware of it or not, all are searching to fill the God-shaped vacuum within.

The God who created us knows how we are wired physically, emotionally and relationally, and out of love, gives us clear 13. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, “The State of Our Unions 2004: The Social Health of Marriage in America,” The National Marriage Project. Rutgers University, 18-20.

14. Alfred DeMaris and K. Vaninadha Rao, “Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability in the United States: A Reassessment,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 54 (1992): 178-190.

15. Genesis 2:24 16. St. Augustine Bishop of Hippo, Confessions, Book 1, Chapter 1.

52 Sexuality

Excursion two

guidance about how to preserve our greatest joys. When we contradict that guidance, we mar the fine-tuned systems of the soul. Choosing a path of sexual indulgence affects our emotions, conscience, and ultimately, our will.

Scripture makes it clear that we are free to choose God’s gift of grace through His Son Jesus Christ. Choosing involves the capacity of the will. However, through the continued practice of sexual sin, it is possible to damage and even annihilate our own ability to choose. The will can become the slave of desire to the degree that we can close our­selves off to God’s possibilities.

Scripture links the darkening of the will with the continued choice to abuse our sexuality.

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. . . .17 (emphasis added)

17. Romans 1:21 Sexuality 53

Choosing involves the capacity of the will.

However, through the continued practice of sexual sin, it is possible to damage and even annihilate our own ability to choose Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.

They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. . . .18 (emphasis added) Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. . . Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.19 (emphasis added)

18. Romans 1:24-26 19. Romans 1:28; 32 54 Sexuality

Excursion two

The apostle Paul also mentions the connection between sexual sin and “the darkened” heart in his letter to the church in Ephesus.

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. 20 (emphasis added)

The writer of Hebrews speaks to the same issue when he writes that we can so harden our hearts by continually choos­ing sin, that we can lose the ability to repent—literally, “that we can no longer bring ourselves to repentance.” 21 When the will becomes so consumed with darkness that it loses its capacity to recognize and choose light, it falls into a way of life characterized in the New Testament as “darkness” and “sexual im­purity.”

Sexual sin can progressively damage our capacity for intimacy and choice, to the degree that we risk forsaking the gift of God altogether.

The power of sexual intimacy is unlike anything else in the human experience. It mirrors both the oneness found in God Himself (Father, Son and Spirit) and the procreative power to create eternal beings. Because of its power in our lives, God cautions us to carefully steward this sacred gift, so that what was meant for our greatest joy does not become what hardens our heart toward God.

20. Ephesians 4:17-19 21. Hebrews 6:4-6 Sexuality 55

56 Sexuality

excursion three

The Power of Pixels

At the heart of pornography is sexuality haunted by its own disappearance.

Jean Baudrillard

I don’t really trust men who claim they are not interested in porn.

Moby

I’m too shy to express my sexual needs, except over the phone to people I don’t know.

Garry Shandling

Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper.

The apostle Paul

58 Sexuality

Excursion three

Meet Kaya. She’s a model.

Her personal fact sheet says she is 5’5” and 121 pounds, and was born in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Her personality is described as “clumsily funny, sometimes cocky.” She has full lips, long lashes, and a slightly upturned nose. Her expression radiates confidence and power, and her smooth skin is dotted with freckles.1 Kaya doesn’t have much of a body. In fact, she’s little more than 48,200 poly­gons. She is the offspring of a software program and a dual Athlon 1.7-GHz processor with 1 Gigabyte of RAM. Kaya was a finalist in the Miss Digital World beauty pageant. She exists only in pixels.

The promoter of the Miss Digital World pageant, Franz Cerami, hoped to start the world’s first computer graphic talent agency.

His vision was a staff of virtual beauties involved in porn, pinup calendars, video games, ads, and movies. The benefits of digital models are obvious—they never age, never have bad hair days, and they can be on location in Tokyo, Paris, and Hollywood simultaneously.

1.Brian Lam, “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Digital,“ Wired November 2004.

Sexuality 59

Lectio Divina Matthew 5:27-30 27

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. 28 But I tell you

that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

60 Sexuality

Excursion three

Relinquish, relinquere • To “leave behind”; choosing availability to God’s invitations; relinquishing the heart.

• A fixed resolve ahead of time to obedience.

• Inner shift from distraction to awaiting.

Reading, lectio • Ingesting the words, absorbing their meaning.

• Instead of mastering the text, allowing the text to master us.

• Inner shift from control to receptivity.

Thinking, meditatio • Horizontal focus.

• Not, “What does this passage mean?” but, “How does Jesus want to reveal Himself to me, or what does He want to say to me, through this passage?”

• Gnawing on words, awakened and alert to God’s possibilities in and through them.

• Inner shift from analysis to awakening.

Praying, oratio • Acknowledging and embracing God’s invitations.

• Our response can look like many things, e.g. thanks, conviction, hope, tears, praise, confession, repentance, courage, choosing, worship, giving, etc.

• Inner shift from observation to obedience.

Responding to God, contemplatio • Vertical focus— personal, dialogical.

• Dialogue— consisting of both receiving and responding.

• Inner shift from processing to Presence.

Sexuality 61

The technology of temptation Though the first book published on Gutenberg’s press was the Bible, it wasn’t long before there was a lucrative market for books with more lustful topics.2 History shows us that technology transforms the nature of sexuality. And here in an era of exponential technological growth, sexuality is being regularly rede­fined.

Dogbert, the comic strip character, offers some humorous but possibly truthful commentary about the future: “I predict the future by assuming that money and male hormones are the driving forces for new technology. Therefore, when virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.” 3 Where will sexuality go as new technologies are introduced at an exponential pace?

Pornography will likely take a back seat to virtual affairs. After all, why stop with pictures. Using wireless, very-high-bandwidth communica­tion technologies, individuals can have sex with a computer generated partner.4 Eventually, people will want to touch, taste, smell, and feel the body heat of their virtual lover. The adult entertainment industry is now developing software and hardware that will make virtual sex almost indistinguishable from the real thing. It will be safer, and even “provide sensations that are more intense and pleasurable than conventional sex, as well as physi­cal experiences that don’t presently exist.”5

2. For examples, see A History of Erotic Literature, by Patrick J. Kearney (Hong Kong: Macmillan Press, 1982).

3. Ray Kurzweil, The Age of Spiritual Machines (New York: Penguin, 1999), 146.

4. Vladimir Edelman, “Touch Goes High Tech,” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com/articles/ pto-19960101-000031.html 5. Kurzweil, 147.

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Excursion three

This kind of technology as­saults sensory perceptions, destroying the barriers between fantasy and the conscious perception of it In this electronic environment, individuals can engage in virtual sex with the woman or man of their dreams. Many will schedule regular face-to-face meetings with their virtual lovers before, during, or after work. “Once the simulated virtual partner is as capable, sensual, and responsive as a real human virtual partner, who’s to say that the simulated virtual partner isn’t a real, albeit virtual, person?”6 Sexual robots—sexbots—are in various stages of design, combining sex dolls and sophisticated software to create a lifelike sexual partner, with intelligence, softness, feel, pliancy and passion of their human creators.

And from the world of neural biology come tiny brain implants that will allow us to have almost any kind of experience with anyone, real or imagined, at 6. Ibid., 147-148.

any time. “It’s just like today’s online chat rooms, except that you don’t need any equipment that’s not already in your head, and you can do a lot more than just chat.”7 This technological sexual revolution is beginning to blur the lines of traditional sexual ethics, and introduces a new set of questions for our culture to wrestle with.

One of the distinguishing features of Virtual Reality tech­ nology is that it completely captures the user— tricks him or her, through com­plete sensory immersion— into believing that an unreal world is in fact reality.

This kind of technology as­saults sensory perceptions, destroying the barriers between fantasy and the conscious perception of it. In layman’s terms, one cannot tell the difference. And

7. Ibid., 148.

Sexuality 63

if one cannot tell the difference, then who is to say which “reality” is more real?

Why bother with a lifelong partner, when we can live in a virtual world programmed to give us exactly what we want? What can human relationships bring that technology cannot adequately simulate?

And what’s wrong with having “virtual affairs” with someone that doesn’t really exist?

No one can predict where technology will take us by the end of the century or the impact it will have on sexuality. However, two things are always true: 1) human nature is vulnerable to sexual temptation, and, 2) God’s roadmap for preserving our greatest joys is always relevant.

Fulfillment through the internet?

Zogby International conducted a telephone survey for Focus on the Family on Internet sex. One question was: “How likely do you think it is to find sexual ful­fillment through the Internet?”

Sexual stimulation on the Net? Plenty of that. But sexual fulfillment? What does the Internet—which consists of imper­sonal electronic key strokes—have to do with finding sexual fulfillment, which is personal and involves a body?

But it wasn’t such a dumb question. Survey results showed that one in four American men (25.9 percent) and about one in six women (16.7 percent) say it is either “very” or “somewhat likely” that they can find sexual fulfillment online.8 Interestingly, nearly one in five Christians (18.68 percent) gave the same response.

8. Christianity Today, June 12, 2000.

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sharing wisdom

A friend wants to meet you at Starbuck’s “to talk about a personal issue.” When you arrive he/she seems a little nervous and quiet.

After a few minutes, he/she gets to the point. “Because you are taking a spiritual growth class, I thought you might be able to help me. I would feel uncomfortable with the idea of seeking out someone to satisfy my physical sexual needs. But I don’t see anything wrong with having a ‘fantasy affair’ over the Internet.

It’s not physical contact with another person, so I’m not cheating on anyone. It’s safe, and no one gets hurt. This way I can at least satisfy my sexual needs in a harmless way. It’s no different than watching a movie or playing a video game—it’s just entertainment.”

What would you tell your friend? (Reference the thought map below.)

Sexuality 65

Thought map: Two contrasting worldviews Evolution

Creation

↓

↓

Source of Life Random Accident

Source of Life Designer/Design

↓

↓

Meaning of Life

Meaning of Life

↓

↓

None

Purpose of Sex

Purpose of Sex

Biological Appetite

Expression of Intimacy

↓

↓

Meaning of Sex

Meaning of Sex

Self-gratification/ end in itself

66 Sexuality

Purpose

Sacred

Excursion three

The power of pixels: How pornography works The field of neuroscience is exploding with research about the brain and pornography. Innovative imaging technology now allows us to observe how the brain processes thoughts and emotions such as depression, suspicion, anxiety, ir­ritation, joy, fear, hate, and more.9 As a result, we can now understand how viewing pornography affects the brain.

The addictive nature of porn It takes just a fraction of a second for an incredibly small signal— a word or a picture that exists in your head as an electrical impulse—to leave a trace that will last for years. Repeated exposure to and fixation on that image can create and reinforces neural pathways.

It takes three-tenths of a second for a pornographic picture or symbol to flood the brain with sensory experiences, trig­gering a network of memories that have been labeled as “sexual,” “lust,” or even “love.” The part of the brain that registers and pro­cesses images—the amygdala—can take control over what we do, even as the “think­ing brain”—the neo­cortex—is still coming to a decision. In other words, impulsive feel­ings can override the rational mind.

Pornography elicits a basic “fight or flight” anxiety response, which produces fear, shame, anger, and lust in most people.

Perhaps the most common response is anxiety, which commonly gets mislabeled as sexual arousal.10

9. For example, Single Photon Emission Computed Tomography (SPECT), which uses a radioactive isotope which can be tracked by a supercomputer. SPECT maps bloodflow/metabolism, and can help identify certain patterns of brain activity correlated with psychiatric and neurological illnesses. SPECT studies show which parts of the brain are activated when we concentrate, laugh, sing, cry, visualize, or perform other functions.

10. See, Judith A. Reisman, “The Psychopharmacology of Pictorial Pornography: Restructuring Brain, Mind and Memory” (Sacramento CA: Institute for Media Education, 2003).

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This fear-anxiety re­sponse sends an urgent message to every major part of the brain, stimulating the creation and out­pouring of adrenaline and noradrenalin into the nervous system and the adrenal glands.11 The secretion of the body’s fight-or-flight hormones flood the cardiovascu­lar system, the muscles, and the central nervous system, overriding the cognitive thought process and interfering with ra­tional decisions for self-protection.

The body is affected in a number of ways: blood pressure in­creases, sensory per­ception increases, pupils dilate, pain awareness is reduced, the skin flushes, and the hands become clammy.

The heart begins to beat wildly, the signal is sent to release energy from fat, and muscle readi­ness is increased, all bringing about a porn-induced high.

Pornography can quickly become a path­ological relationship with a mood-alter­ing experience. The biochemical rush from viewing porn is comparable to that from amphetamine use.12 “Fantasy behaviors can trigger neu­rotransmitters such as dopamine, norepi­ nephrine, or serotonin, all of which are chemically similar to the main psyche­delic drugs such as LSD.”13 In her book published by the Institute of Medicine National Academy of Sciences, Sandra Ackerman notes that epinephrine

11. Norepinephrine (INN) is released from the adrenal glands as a hormone into the blood, but it is also a neurotransmitter in the nervous system, where it is released from neurons during synaptic transmission. As a stress hormone, INN affects parts of the human brain where attention and impulsivity are controlled. Along with epinephrine, this compound affects the fight-or-flight response, activating the sympathetic nervous system to directly increase heart rate, release energy from fat, and increase muscle readiness.

12. Viewing pornography stimulates the release of epinephrine (adrenaline), testosterone (the male fight-or-flight hormone), endorphins (the body’s form of morphine), oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, phenylethylamine, and other pharmacological stimuli.

13. M. Douglas Reed, “The Role of Pornography in Compulsive or Addictive Sexual Behaviors,” a paper presented to the National Family Foundation convention, November 10, 1990, Pittsburgh, PA. 68 Sexuality

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Pornography is not like a drug; it is a powerful drug that provides an intense, though misleading, sensory reward (adrenaline) alone gets the “vertebrate brain ‘high’ on its own self-produced morphine or heroin.”14 Pornography is not like a drug; it is a powerful drug that provides an intense, though misleading, sensory reward.

Most stimuli, as they become fa­miliar and predictable, become less attractive, creating a diminishing chemical reaction.

In order to produce the same level of biochemical response and achieve the same level of arousal, new or more powerful images must be in­troduced.

14. Sandra Ackerman, Discovering the Brain (Washington, D.C.: National Academy of Sciences Press, 1992) 76-77.

Thus, the addictive nature of pornography.

The brain on porn The brain is an ingenious, complex organ consisting of a mass of electrical circuitry and chemicals which regulate and control all functions. The circuitry provides the pathways for the chemicals to flow, and the chemicals in turn, reinforce these pathways or create new ones, based on the power and repetition of the stimuli.

The brain is also a chemical factory, producing hormones (e.g. testosterone, estrogen), neurotransmitters (e.g. dopamine, norepinephrine15, and serotonin), powerful euphoric chemicals (endogenous opiates) and compounds that bind one to their affections (e.g. oxytocin and vasopressin).

Viewing pornography is more than simply “looking at pictures”— it changes the circuitry and neurochemistry of the brain. The elec­trical activity at the neuron level, and the 15. Norepinphrine, or noradrenalin, can also act as a hormone.

Sexuality 69

release of powerful chemicals within the body changes the physical structure of the brain. It also alters how we form relationships and attachments to others.

Exposure to porn triggers a biochemical event, stimulating arousal.

When this arousal leads to a sexual act such as masturba­tion or intercourse resulting in orgasm, neural path­ways are established that correlate por­nography with the rewards of personal satisfaction. Memories are established about how to respond to visual cues, and when triggered, set-off psychological, emotional, and physical responses.

Neurological pathways deepen as the The brain reacts in such a pattern of arousal and response continues.

G

way as if you were the person engaged in the sexual act.

Viewing a pornographic movie creates a neurological experience whereby a person vicariously participates in what he is watching. As a man watches a pornographic movie he can neurologically

identify with the performers in the video and place himself into the HD signal. No longer is he restricted to responding to just the nakedness of the woman. To deal with the arousal it creates, the brain mirrors and heightens the arousal, causing even more sexual tension. The sexual drive is fueled even further and screams for an outlet.

William M. Struthers Wired for Intimacy

This is how pornography addiction and sexual compulsion is built from scratch.

It involves the visual system (looking at porn), the motor system (masturbating), the sensory system (genital stimulation) and neurological effects of orgasm (sexual euphoria from opiates, addictive dopamine in the nucleus accumbens and reduced fear in the amygdale). They have now begun to store this pattern as a reinforced neurological habit.16 Real or virtual = same impact Another significant finding in brain research indicates that the brain does not distinguish between real physical experiences and images of fantasy (video, print, etc.) This happens through the presence of mirror neurons, a set of brain cells found in specific parts of the brain.

16. William M. Struthers, Wired for Intimacy, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2009), 99.

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Excursion three

The brain registers lust, shame, and fear equally from a pornographic image of a human body, whether it’s in real life, on a computer screen, or on a printed page. It affects the brain the same way, regard­less.

The brain reacts in such a way as if you were the person engaged in the sexual act. Viewing a pornographic movie creates a neurological experience whereby a person vicariously participates in what he is watching. As a man watches a pornographic movie he can neurologically identify with the performers in the video and place himself into the HD signal.

No longer is he restricted to responding to just the nakedness of the woman. To deal with the arousal it creates, the brain mirrors and heightens the arousal, causing even more sexual tension. The sexual drive is fueled even further and screams for an outlet.17 An equally powerful sense of sexual arousal can result from a real experience, from fantasy, or from memory, all pro­ducing the equivalent of a drug-induced high.

17. Ibid., 96.

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Processing your thoughts. . .

Agree Disagree Pornography is simply about looking at naked people. Since that’s how God made them, what’s wrong with that?

There are many people who benefit positively from the use of pornography.

Jesus said nothing that pertains to pornography.

Pornography is just a form of entertainment.

Use of pornography doesn’t necessarily detract from the process of being conformed to the image of Christ for the sake of others.

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Excursion three

Wired for intimacy, exploited by pornography God created us according to His image, and now in Christ, He is in the process of recrafting our very personhood. Therefore, we have to ask ourselves: Does pornography contribute or detract from God’s design for our lives?

“What’s wrong with looking at naked people?” The answer is, nothing. But don’t stop reading yet.

God is supremely concerned with what pornography does to us— how it shapes our emotions, thoughts, conscience, and will. If anything subverts His design for our lives—if in any way it perverts or dis­torts what we were made for—God loves us enough to tell us to avoid it, in order to preserve our greatest joys.

The issue is lust. If our actions cause us to lust, at that point we have engaged the systems of the soul —thinking, emotions, conscience, will— contrary God’s dreams and designs for us.

Lust is defined as an “intense, obsessive, or unrestrained sexual craving.”18 The Greek word is epithumia, meaning the “desire for what is forbidden.”

Jesus said, You have heard that it was said, “Do not commit adultery. “ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.19

The purpose of Jesus’ statement is to convey the seriousness of where we place our thoughts. Thoughts lead to words, words lead to actions, actions become habits, habits become character, and our character is who we are.

18. www.dictionary.com 19. Matthew 5:27-28 Sexuality 73

Lust corrupts our ability to love God—it cripples our ability to give and receive love, and blocks God’s love from working in us It all starts in the heart.

Lust has many destructive effects.

Isolation from God, self, and others Lust corrupts our ability to love God—it cripples our ability to give and receive love, and blocks God’s love from working in us.

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. 20

Other effects of lust include bondage to destructive behaviors, dissatisfaction, blocked intimacy with God, guilt, shame, self-hatred, and hard­ening of the heart.

Pornography intensifies the drive to serve oneself rather than serve others. For example, masturbation, which typically accompanies looking at pornography, reinforces a self-centered sexual orien­tation, and can detract from a person’s ability to give and receive love.

20. I John 2:15-17 74 Sexuality

Excursion three

Practicing the Presence of Darkness Pornography can open the doorway to spiritual oppression and confusion. Satan can use porn to distort God’s true designs for sexual oneness. The ritual involved in porn addiction is very much like a dark ritual of satanic worship, where one can be drawn into worshiping the created, rather than the Creator. As porn gains influence, a viewer’s ability to discern and choose truth can be deadened.

Confusion Regular exposure to porn can desensitize us to what is true by promoting a series of false assumptions: • Sexual freedom = happiness.

• There are no consequences to sexual promiscuity.

• Porn doesn’t harm anyone.

• Sex is something to be done pri­marily for self-gratification.

• Men or women are simply objects for my pleasure.

• Adults can view porn without any lasting effects.

When we engage the faculties of our inner person in a way that distorts God’s designs and purposes, we tear down what He is trying to establish in our lives.

If we entertain fantasies through pornography, masturbation, voyeurism, adultery, fornication, phone sex, etc., we abuse God’s purpose for our inner lives.

Sexuality 75

Jesus tells us that sin comes out of the unseen regions of the inner person (the heart). He encourages us to take extraordinary steps—even removing the influence of things that are precious to us—in order to guard our hearts from feeding on the wrong images and activities.

How are you doing at guarding your heart? (Circle your answer below) Couldn’t Be Better

Making Progress

No Comment

Struggling

Holding My Own

Explain:

76 Sexuality

Excursion three

A Case Study: Matthew 5:27-30 Jesus and lust Having created us, God understands the systems of the soul, including what they were designed for, how they optimally function, and what kind of capacity they have. God fully understands the inner workings of our thinking, emotions, conscience, and will. God designed our sexuality. He comprehends what makes relationships thrive and He has full knowledge the intricacies of the soul.

And because God is committed to our greatest joy in life, He actively speaks into our lives to guide us in how to live according to our design.21 God communicates because God cares. Because of His consuming love for us, God is not silent. He provides us with a roadmap and guardrails for the journey through life.

Since God is committed to our greatest joy in life, and considering His comprehensive understanding of the complex workings of our inner being, what is God’s perspective on the use of pornography?

According to a biblical worldview, how should Christ-followers evaluate and consider the issue pornography?

At the heart of pornography is the issue of lust. Just what is “lust” and why does it matter? Let’s explore this brief passage from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount.

God communicates because God cares. Because of His consuming love for us, God is not silent 21. In Psalm 119, King David writes at length of his love for God’s commandments, fully understanding that on his own, he would have no idea how to live a life with ultimate joy and meaning.

Sexuality 77

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

27

Verse 27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’

Notice the contrast at the beginning of verses 27 and 28: You have heard . . . But I tell you. This same formula is used in verses 21-22, 31-32, 33-34, 38-39, and 43-44.

It points to the Jews’ mis­understanding of God’s law, which Jesus ad­dressed in this fashion: “You have heard from the rabbis, who inter­preted the law; but I’m telling you the truth of the law—the standard you have is not right, nor is it sufficient.

Your teachers of tradi­tion have reduced the law of God to a simple exter­nal, and consequently they haven’t given you the whole story. They have told you that if you don’t commit adultery, then you’re okay; but I’m telling you there’s more to it than just that.

You have merely in­vented a system that you can live up to and then convinced yourself that you are righteous.”

The Pharisees of Jesus’ day had created a standard of personal righteousness based on their behavior; they believed a person was holy if they acted holy. Jesus is trying to show them how sinful they really are, no matter what their outside behavior is.

The Jewish leaders thought they were holy because they had kept the seventh commandment—do not commit adul­tery. Jesus

78 Sexuality

Excursion three

points out that the tenth commandment—do not covet—which deals with the heart, is as important as the actions.

Jesus says, “The tradition taught to you by the scribes and Pharisees says that if you just don’t commit adultery, you are righ­ teous. But that standard is not God’s standard.” He’s trying to get back around to the point that righteousness is not something we alone can accomplish; it is an un­obtainable standard—a gift from God. Jesus wants to show His listeners that they can’t help themselves, in spite of the fact that they can control their actions. They could avoid committing adultery, but they couldn’t do anything with the inner thoughts and motivations, about which they were essentially powerless to change.

This realization should have driven them in desperation to seek God, who alone can change the heart. They desperately wanted to believe they were okay, but Jesus showed them they weren’t.

If Jesus says that we cannot accomplish righteousness on our own, then exactly what should we do in order to have a pure heart? What role does our effort have in the process? And, specifically, what do we do to make that happen?

Sexuality 79

Verse 28: But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

But I . . . ego, is an emphatic pronoun in Greek. Jesus makes the point that He is speaking with ultimate authority, in contrast to the prevailing Jewish understand­ing and rabbinic tradition.

The present participle of blepon, translat­ed anyone who looks, conveys the idea of a continuing process of looking. It isn’t the inadvertent, casual glance.

Rather it is the purposeful, repeated, lustful look for the purpose of fulfilling sexual desire.

Jesus doesn’t say that the one who lusts after a woman commits adultery at that point. Rather, He says that whoever purposefully looks upon another in order to fulfill a sexual desire has already committed adultery in their heart, because it is the adulterous heart that promotes that kind of look.

There are a lot of different ways to look at another human being (concern, love, ap­preciation, etc.) Rather it has to do with the purpose for the look. Lustfully, pros to, indicates that it is wrong when it is only for the purpose of fulfilling sexual desire.

The sin has already happened in the heart—it is a heart bent on fulfilling its own desires, no matter how inappropriate or 80 Sexuality

Excursion three

destructive to persons or personhood. The look is simply the expression of what has already taken place in the heart. Lust is the manifesta­tion of an adulterous heart that is seeking an object to fulfill its fantasy.

So what’s wrong with pornography? Explain in your own words what the heart of the issue is from a biblical worldview.

Sexuality 81

Verse 29-30 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

The Greek term skandalizei se, translated causes you to sin, means, “ensnares you.” The root word, skandalon, means “the stick in a trap that springs and closes it when an animal touches it.”

In other words, get rid of anything that triggers your capture into bondage.

If Jesus has just said that the issue is the heart, why is He now saying, Pluck out your eye? Wouldn’t a person who had lost their eyesight still be able to lust?

If a person plucked out their right eye, or cut-off their right hand, the heart would still be able to lust. Jesus is not saying that there is a physical remedy for a heart problem; that would undermine the whole point.

This powerful word picture makes the point about the critical need for self-mastery. The language is clearly hyperbole, as there is no benefit to mutilating the body in response to a problem of the heart.

Jesus is simply saying that there is nothing too precious to eliminate from our life if it is going to cause our hearts to be in bondage to adulterous desires. The right eye, arm, and leg were symbols of the most valuable faculties a person possessed (particularly in a culture where daily survival depended on health and vigor, where those limited by infirmity, deformity or disability would struggle to survive.)

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Excursion three

Jesus’ point is this: If it means eliminating something valuable from our lives in order to avoid bondage to insatiable, destructive desires, then get rid of it, even if it’s as important as your right eye or your right arm.

What are practical examples of “valuable” things that a person might have to consider giving up in order to avoid the bondage of sexual fantasy?

Sexuality 83

What do you need to eliminate from your own life in order to maintain a pure heart?

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excursion FOUR

The Gears of Temptation

It is our choices . . . that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

J. K. Rowling

God knows our situation; He will not judge us as if we had no difficulties to overcome. What matters is the sincerity and perseverance of our will to overcome them.

C. S. Lewis

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Mae West

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

The apostle Paul

86  Sexuality

Excursion four

Oscar Wilde wanted it all in life. He denied himself nothing that aroused his passions.

Although married and the father of two, the gifted Irish poet, playwright, and novelist during the late 1800s was sentenced to two years hard labor on charges of “gross indecen­ cy” for homosexual acts (then illegal in Britain).

Just a few years after his release from Reading Gaol (jail), Wilde died penniless in a rundown Paris hotel at the age of forty-six.

Wilde’s works often reflect his struggle with the meaning and implications of his temptations. In his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray, the main character becomes a mirror for Wilde’s inner wrestlings.

Sensitive about the damage he is doing to his own soul, Wilde explores the implications of his sin through the life of the fictional Dorian Gray.

Dorian is described as an innocent and handsome man. Dorian’s friend, Lord Henry Wotto, con­vinces him that his looks are his most important asset, but reminds him that they are fleeting and will diminish with age. Dorian becomes obses­sively worried that his youth is not eternal.

A famous artist, Basil Hallward, decides to paint a portrait of Dorian.

When Dorian sees the finished work, his response sets in motion the main plot of the novel.

“I shall grow old, and horrible, and dreadful. But this picture will remain always young. It will never be older than this particular day of June. . . .

Sexuality 87

If it were only the other way! If it were I who was to be always young, and the picture that was to grow old! For that—for that—I would give everything! Yes, there is nothing in the whole world I would not give! I would give my soul for that!”1 By uttering those fateful words, Dorian sells his soul. His desire for eternal youth soon comes true. From that point on, the image in the picture ages instead of Dorian.

Dorian lives a life devoted to new experienc­es and sensations, with no regard for mo­rality or the consequences of his actions.

Eighteen years pass. Dorian remains young and handsome while his painted image grows increasingly old and hideous. With each indiscretion, Dorian’s portrait becomes more grotesque.

At the end of the novel, Dorian decides to kill his sins and his past by destroy­ing the portrait, but in doing so, he actually kills himself.

The last sentences of the novel describe the discovery of his body near the portrait.

When they entered, they found hanging upon the wall a splendid portrait of their master as they had last seen him, in all the wonder of his exquisite youth and beauty.

Lying on the floor was a dead man, in evening dress, with a knife in his heart. He was withered, wrinkled, and loathsome of visage. It was not till they had examined the rings that they recognized who it was.2 Oscar Wilde’s own experience taught him an important truth about the impact of decisions on the soul: We make our choices, but in the end, our choices make us.

1. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, (London: Modern Library, 1998), 31.

2. Ibid., 203.

88 Sexuality

Excursion four

The dynamics of temptation Sexual temptation is multi-dimensional—a complex process involving all aspects of our inner lives: Thinking, feeling, conscience, and will. Part of the human experience is wrestling with the tensions created by temptation, and deciding who we will be. . .and become.

Understanding our own process of temptation can be helpful in dealing with underlying needs, behaviors and beliefs that predispose us to failure. Awareness of our inner dynamics—including vulnerabilities and weaknesses— helps us to recognize our real needs in real time, and to make decisions that lead to wholeness.

Let’s explore some of the physical, emotional and spiritual “gears” that drive our experience of temptation, so that we can be better equipped to live in fidelity to God’s dreams and designs for our lives.

Sexuality 89

Cycle of Temptation

Biochemical Event

My Grid

Fear Inadequacy Loneliness Anxiety Low Self-Esteem Guilt/Shame Emptiness Stress

Doorways

Preoccupation

Denial

Trigger Event

despair

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Excursion four

Voices of False Assurance

Personal Rituals

Acting Out

The Slide

“The Bucket”

Guilt and Shame

Voices of Condemnation

Sexuality 91

Our Grid Our grid is the lens through which we see and experience life.

Such mood altering coping strategies keep individuals from developing more adaptive and healthier ways of managing emotions.3

When we commit our lives to Christ, the Holy Spirit becomes resident in the midst of our life-development process. It is from that point that He begins a process of conforming us to the image of Christ for the sake of others.

If we have not learned to manage our emotions in appropriate ways, we may seek the comfort of acting out as a way to manage emotional distress.

If we have diseased emotions and beliefs, we will experience God, ourselves, and others accordingly. Self-hatred, fear, shame, doubt, and anxiety are prime con­tributors to emotional unrest.

Remember the Four Rules?

Compulsive behaviors of any kind (e.g., involving alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, and sex) are at risk for developing when the behavior in question is used to manage feelings.

Pornography is no exception, and is often utilized to “selfmedicate” against feelings of anger, disappointment, boredom, stress, anxiety, loneliness, or sadness.

Recognizing a common vulnerability

• “Don’t think what you want to think. Think what we want you to think.”

• “Don’t feel what you want to feel. Feel what we want you to feel.”

• “Don’t do what you want to do. Do what we want you to do.”

• “Don’t say what you want to say. Say what we want you to say.”

3. See, Pamela Paul, Pornified: How Pornography is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families (New York: Times Books, 2005).

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People who grow up not having their thoughts, feelings, ideas, or words vali­dated (whether verbally or nonverbally), often have difficulty understanding how to articulate their real needs. They strug­gle to know how to manage their emo­tions, and have difficulty knowing how to get their needs met in healthy ways.

When parents don’t meet their children’s needs, the children learn to meet their own needs. The next time they have a need, they figure it out for themselves. In this way, they begin to learn how not to have needs, or they learn how to ignore their needs.

Either way, their strategy is to control their feelings by making them go away, because they don’t have the tools to deal with their needs directly.

Suppressed needs are a perfect breeding ground for sexual temptation, because sexual behaviors offer an immediate way to feel better. These behaviors become coping mechanisms, allowing adolescents to get their emotional needs met in a consistent, intimate way that was missing as they were growing up.

Doorway (Tigger Event) A “doorway” is an oppor­tunity that opens in our minds—a specific thought or image, accompanied by a whole entourage of feel­ings— that presents a way to anesthetize the emotional distress we are experiencing.

This doorway to the mind is pushed open when something triggers an emo­tional response. A trigger can be virtually anything: a person, a magazine cover, a memory, a description in a book, a look, a scent, song, a thought.

When our conscious minds entertain the possibility of acting in a way inconsis­tent with our prevailing value structure, something has triggered this response that purports to be a remedy to our emo­tional unrest.

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It’s one thing for emotions, images, and ideas to visit the threshold of our thoughts. That’s common to everyone, including Jesus Himself.4 It’s another thing to open the door, invite these emotions, images, and ideas in and provide them a home where they are fed and nur­tured.

Crossing the threshold of this doorway can happen months prior to the actual temptation “event.” The result is typically, restlessness, unresolved low-grade anxiety, or uneasiness that results in curiosity, daydreaming, fantasizing, and indirect exploration.

Denial

G

We experience emotional conflict any time we consider acting in a way that is inconsistent with our value structure.

By fantasizing, one can maintain an almost constant level of arousal. Together with obsessing, the two behaviors can create a kind of analgesic “fix.” Just as our bodies generate endorphins, natural anti-

When we are faced with a fact that is un­comfortable or painful to accept, denial is one option to resolve the emotional conflict.

Often, we will insist that some­thing is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Denial can be both conscious and un­conscious.

depressants, during vigorous exercise, our bodies naturally release peptides when sexually aroused. The molecular construction of these peptides parallels that of opiates like

When we fail to acknowledge and deal with the thoughts, feelings, or actions that deviate from our fundamental beliefs, we allow a destructive process to escalate within us.

heroin or morphine, but is many times more powerful.

Pamela Paul Pornified

4. Hebrews 4:15 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.”

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Biochemical Event The moment we enter through the doorway of temptation, the heightened sense of arousal produced by our deci­sion initiates the production of powerful chemicals in the brain.

God, knowing our emotional, spiritual, and physical makeup, advises us to simply run from tempta­tion.5 It is hopeless to debate or reason with lust, as it has a power all its own.

Spiritual Voices of False Assurance • Many Christ-followers experience the reality of false assurance.

This is the echo of both self-rationalization, and the sug­gestions of Satan himself.6 These are nothing more than false justifications for sin. For example: • “God will forgive you.”

• “No one will know.”

• “You’re not hurting anyone.”

• “This is nothing compared to what other people do.”

• “You deserve it.”

• “No one is caring for your needs, so you need to care for yourself.”

• “It’s only one time.”

• “You are still in control.”

• “Even Jesus was tempted, and He was God.” 5. I Corinthians 6:18 “Flee from sexual immorality.”

6. This kind of satanic encouragement is well documented in the Bible. So, Genesis 3:4-5: “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

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• “Everyone deserves a little excite­ment in life.”

• “You’ve been so faithful for so long, and what has God done for you?”

Though the messages differ, they typical­ly derive from a couple of core deceptions: “Your needs matter most,” and, “Your actions have no consequences.”

Preoccupation Preoccupation is when we indulge in fantasy thinking about the images and ideas that we have allowed to enter our thoughts. It can escalate to the point of frenzy, at which point we focus entire­ ly on getting where we want to go, as if there is no other reality.

People become hostages of their own preoccupation. Every passerby, every relationship, and every introduction to someone passes through the sexually obsessive filter. More than merely noticing sexually attractive people, there is a quality of desperation which interferes with work, relaxation, and even sleep. People become objects to be scrutinized. A crowded downtown area is translated into a veritable shopping list of possibilities.7 When we become preoccupied with our fantasies, our thinking becomes distorted. It is common during this state to mistake obsession for caring; control for security; or intensity for intimacy.

Personal Rituals The next step in the cycle is developing special routines that create a rush of ex­citement and a sense of control. Personal rituals provide a distraction from feelings of being unlovable and worthless, and create a sense of expectation that has a powerful biochemical component. These routines intensify our experience 7. Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2001), 6.

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Desire boils over into temptation, temptation gives birth to sin, and sin produces a deaden­ing of our hearts— perhaps, a foretaste of spiritual death and may be more important than reach­ing orgasm.

Examples of personal rituals can include cruising, Web browsing, looking for the same car in a parking lot, watching the soaps, reading romance novels, choosing particular clothing or music, cleaning the house in order to create the right “vibe” to act out in, walking by someone’s desk each day, etc.

The routine contains a set of subtle, well-rehearsed cues that trigger arousal. A person functions almost as if they are in a trance, so they don’t have to stop and think or disrupt their focus.

Like climbing to the top of a towering playground slide, the tension builds with every step up the ladder. Finally, at the top, the tension reaches a point where the most natural next step, the path of least re­sistance, is to allow the force of gravity to have its way, and to simply “let go.”

A similar dynamic takes place in the world of temptation, when we become so energized around a certain behavior that the tension builds both emotionally and physically to the point that release becomes the easiest choice.

Acting Out The actual acting out phase is the short­est in the cycle. The behaviors include, but are not limited to, affairs, compul­sive masturbation, use of pornography, cybersex, exhibitionism, voyeur­ism, strip clubs, phone sex, etc.

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Guilt and Shame Guilt, the feeling that we did something wrong, is produced when our behavior violates our consciously held beliefs. It often results in shame, which is the emo­tional response to the conscious aware­ness of dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.

“The Bucket” “The Bucket” is a state of physical depletion, emotional numbness, and spiritual depression. Desire boils over into temptation, temptation gives birth to sin, and sin produces a deaden­ing of our hearts—perhaps, a foretaste of spiritual death.

Spiritual Voices of Condemnation It’s interesting how the tables are turned once temptation has given birth to sin. The voice of con­demnation arises from both the conscience, and in great measure, from Satan.

• “God will never forgive you.”

• “You can never change.”

• “You are hopeless.”

• “You should just give up.”

• “It’s best just to isolate yourself from everyone, including God.” • “Others are going to find out and reject you.”

• “You are broken/flawed/dirty.”

• “God gave up on you.”

That’s just a sampling of the different messages that seek to anchor us in a cycle of destruction and a state of despair, compromising the dreams and designs that God has for our lives.

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Despair and Loss of Control Despair often begins shortly after acting out. Despair is utter hopelessness, sadness, desperation and fear about being powerless.

These emotions further erode and damage a person’s integrity, self-respect, and self-esteem, and tend to isolate him or her from others—including God.

Living in “The Zone” “The Zone” describes the three-part practice of Boundaries, Counting the Cost, and Accountability. This is about creating a way of being—a rhythm for living—that takes into careful consideration one’s vulnerabilities and what is at stake with the decisions we make.

Underneath it all is a profound understanding that actions begin with thoughts, and a dogged commitment to deal with the root issues and not just the symptoms.

King Solomon raised the need for “The Zone” to the highest level: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.8

Here are a few ways to safeguard our hearts.

Accountability James hints at an important piece of the temptation process: . . . but each of you is tempted when you are dragged away by your own evil desire and enticed.9

When we are emotionally, spiritually, or physically isolated from other Christ-fol­lowers, we are left to fight temptation on our own.

8. Proverbs 4:23 9. James 1:14 Sexuality 99

Instead, God intends others to be conduits of His power, hope, grace, mercy, and peace to us.10 Because the Internet offers easy opportu­nities for instant and anonymous impul­sive behavior, you may want to automati­cally send to your accountability partners a posting of Web sites you have visited.11 Left to our own devices in the battle for the mind, where our core struggles remain anonymous to others, we are vulnerable, weak, and subject to self-deception and overwhelming accusation.

Boundaries Boundaries are barriers that we set in place in order to restrict undesired influ­ences.

We build a fence around a backyard in order to maintain privacy.

We put a door on a mountain cabin in order to limit the flow of wildlife into the living room. We also need boundaries with people, places, and situations.

There are several different kinds of boundaries we may need to consider. For example: • Thoughts—Choosing not to enter­tain fantasies or suggestive com­ments; instead, to readily dismiss them when they cross the thresh­olds of our minds.

• Emotions—Being aware of how we are feeling, and where we are vulnerable, and choosing to regulate both our expression and reception of certain emotions with some people.

10. Ephesians 4:16 11. See, www.xxxchurch.com or www.covenanteyes.com 100 Sexuality

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• Conversation—We need to show discretion about the things we share with others. Conversations that open the door to unhealthy thoughts or arouse certain feelings make us vulnerable.

• Visual—We may need to restrict what we watch on TV, the sites we visit on the Internet, the magazines we subscribe to, and so on. It’s part of managing our inner lives and guarding our hearts. Job writes, “I made a covenant with my eyes, not to look lustfully at a girl.”12 That’s a boundary.

• Location—Not putting ourselves in a place where we are exposed to the wrong kind of stimuli.

• Time—The way we use and invest our time is a measure of what matters to us. Certain people and situations might tempt us to invest great amounts of time that, simply put, we should not.

• Activity—Certain activities, even harmless ones, are often the gateway to inappropriate thinking and actions. A boss who works late and has a candlelight dinner with an admin­ istrative assistant of the opposite sex opens the door to all kinds of potentially destructive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

• Physical—No matter how “nice” you are, there are some people you should not hug, look too long in the eye, or even touch on the shoul­der, when that generates in either person an inappropriate emotional response.

There are countless other boundaries (e.g., dress, money, gifts, etc.), but this serves as a primer on the kinds of dis­cretion that might serve God’s purposes best in our lives.

It’s all about guarding our hearts.

12. Job 31:1 Sexuality 101

Counting the Cost The effects of sin are devastating. It marks our souls in ways both seen and unseen. The resulting devastation resulting from affairs, pornography addiction, and more, is a sober re­minder of the consequences.

If only we would rehearse in advance the overwhelming consequences of immoral­ity, we might be far more prone to avoid it.

During a time of temptation or weak­ness, read through this list.

Personalize it. It can cut through the fog of rationalization and give us clarity about the broader meaning and consequences of our choices.

Possible consequences of temptation giving birth to sexual sin include the fol­lowing13 : • Deeply grieving God’s heart.

• Bringing disgrace upon Christ (non-Christians see you as a hypo­crite).

• Losing the trust of and relationship with spouse.

13. Adapted from a list compiled by Randy Alcorn, Eternal Perspectives Ministry, www.epm.org 102 Sexuality

• Losing relationship with and respect of children.

• Losing self-respect and selfconfi­dence.

• Losing your reputation.

• Losing relationship and trust of friends.

• Losing what has been accomplished through education and hard work.

• Losing home.

• Losing job.

• Losing future opportunities.

• Depression, despair.

• Losing physical and emotional health.

• Sexually transmitted diseases.

• Unwanted pregnancy.

• Public humiliation and shame.

• Anxiety and guilt.

• Deadening your heart toward God.

Excursion four

In times of temptation, Christfollowers have the wisdom and the power of the Holy Spirit within us. It is up to us to partner with Him The Holy Spirit In times of temptation, Christ-followers have the wisdom and the power of the Holy Spirit within us. It is up to us to partner with Him. If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth . . . for he lives with you and will be in you.14

The Holy Spirit makes real to us the person and ministry of Jesus, and empowers us with wisdom, courage, and resolve.

Christ works in us to accomplish His purposes as we do our part to be atten­tive and obedient to Him. Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.15

We are neither alone nor helpless in this very personal and often intense struggle.

14. John 14:15-17 15. Philippians 2:12b-13 Sexuality 103

A Case Study: Proverbs Chapter 7 The Anatomy of Seduction Proverbs 7 provides an example for how we can go from being innocent bystanders to speeding along the highway of selfdestruction. The twists and turns are subtle, but real. This passage gives us an insider’s look at the gears of temptation.

Let’s explore what this passage means in practical terms regarding the battle for sexual purity.

The Way of Wisdom (vv. 1-5) My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you.

2 Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye.

3 Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart.

4 Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,” and to insight, “You are my relative.”

5 They will keep you from the adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words.

1

Verses 1-2 Beginning in verse 2, we have three different word pictures for how we should regard the wisdom being imparted here.

Apple of your eye is translated from the Hebrew word ishon, which means “little man of the eye.” It denotes the image of a little person reflected back to the individual looking into the eyes of another. The em­phasis is on maintaining these instructions as the primary focal point of our lives—what we must consistently and continually be paying attention to—no matter what!

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Verse 3 Bind them on your fingers refers to the leather strap that faithful Jews wound seven times around the left arm and seven times around the middle finger. The point is that God’s wisdom should be in plain view at all times so that it can be inwardly observed.

Verse 4 Say to wisdom, “You are my sister” is the encouragement to build a close and confi­dential relationship with wisdom. It is an invitation to develop a deep and lasting personal relationship with God’s instruc­tions about life. The reference to a sibling carries the nuance that we should know the deep truth of this wisdom, not simply rec­ognize its appearance. We should know not only what it looks like, but also what it is all about.

Verse 5 The words of wisdom will protect us. They will keep you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words.

Wisdom is our line of defense. If we truly understand where our activities and acquaintances lead us, we will avoid bad choices at all costs.

As the saying goes, forewarned is fore­armed.

Wisdom is proposed as the best hedge against temptation.

Describe in your own words what “wisdom” means? (See Proverbs 1:7 for one definition.)

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The Set-Up: Becoming the Victim (vv. 6-9) At the window of my house I looked down through the lattice.

7 I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men, a youth who had no sense.

8 He was going down the street near her corner, walking along in the direction of her house 9 at twilight, as the day was fading, as the dark of night 6

Verse 6 The narrator tells the story of a scene he observes as he peers through his window to the street below. Through his observa­tions, we learn about the anatomy of se­duction.

The book of James describes something quite similar, when a person is dragged away and enticed by his or her own evil desire, and that once “desire has con­ceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”16 Verse 7 The victim here is one of the simple, from the Hebrew pathah, which means “one who is open to any influence.” It de­scribes a person who lacks intentionality. He is aimless.

Because he is just wander­ing, he puts himself in a situation to be tempted to do things that he never set out to do.

This young man had no sense (lit., lacks heart), which has a broad range of mean­ings. Here we are to understand that he has no compass to chart his course. He is undirected and simply drifting in what­ever direction events unfold.

16. James 1:14-15 106 Sexuality

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Verse 8 His aimlessness is about to put him in the wrong place. He was going down the street near her corner; that is, exposing himself to a perilous situation that need not have hap­pened.

Verse 9 It is not only the wrong place, but also the wrong time. It’s a Perfect Storm—a number of elements conspiring to produce tragic results.

In Hebrew, we are being walked through four successive degrees of darkness—at twilight, as the day was fading, as the dark, and of night set in. We are left in ‘aphelah—darkness, gloominess, calamity, wickedness. The light is fading. The darkness described here is the dimming of his senses and the young man’s spirit. Even here, amid seeming anonymi­ty, God sees all of our steps, includ­ing our choices to self-de­struct.

Notice an important grammatical link here. The phrase dark of the night contains the word ishon (apple, middle, pupil), the same word used in verse 2.17 The use of this same word is meant to contrast the center of wisdom with the center of darkness.

Aimlessness has led the young man here, meaning he lacks both awareness and inten­tionality. Certain events in life make us vulnerable: arguments, stress, depression, anxiety, loneliness and despair, to name only a few.

The victim wanders into a temptation, where place and time join forces against him. He is now in the crosshairs—a target for someone else.

17. Very rare word—used only five times in the Old Testament (Deuteronomy 32:10; Psalm 17:8; Proverbs 20:20; and two times here in Proverbs 7).

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A critical factor leading to moral failure is described here as being “simple.” What would the opposite of “simple” look like in practical terms? (v. 7) Explain.

The Hunter (vv. 10-12) Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.

11 (She is unruly and defiant, her feet never stay at home; 12 now in the street, now in the squares, at every corner she lurks.)

10

Verse 10 Notice what the woman has that the young man lacks—intent, natsar, which means “preserve, guard, watch over.” She has carefully guarded her purposes. This is an important theme of this passage. Here, sin (personified as a woman) is carefully and

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intentionally pursuing its objectives. On the other hand, the young man is aimless, and aloof to his circum­stances.

The stage is now set. The outcome is “To be announced.”

The Downward Spiral (vv. 13-21) She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: 14 “Today I fulfilled my vows, and I have food from my fellowship offering at home.

15 So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you!

16 I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt.

17 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.

18 Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love!

19 My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey.

20 He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.”

21 With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk.

13

Verse 13 With a brazen face (lit.,“she hardened her face”) she sizes up her prey and calculates her approach. She fine-tunes her demean­ or—her look, her posture, her walk —all dialed-in to win. She puts on her game face; she’s ready for action.

Her tactic is “shock and awe”—she wants to catch him off-guard and overwhelm him. She swoops in—and then she kissed him.

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Verse 14 There’s a lot packed into what the woman says here—a multitude of motivations, each meant to turn the young man’s heart in her direction. She is so exuberant—how can you not celebrate with her? It would be rude not to. The pressure builds. The emotional walls are being breached.

begins to think to himself: “This is no big deal. She’s a good person who’s just excited about what God’s doing in her life.”

The occasion is fellowship offerings at home. Such offerings were meant to restore or reaffirm a right relationship with God; they expressed a desire and obligation to pursue God. What a sincere and God-fearing woman she must be.

• She believes in God, so she must be a well-intentioned person.

Today I fulfilled my vows. At the Temple, one-third of bull, a lamb, or a goat was consumed by fire as an offering to YHWH; one-third was consumed by the priests; and one-third was taken home as a gift from the altar of YHWH. It was to be eaten and enjoyed as a cel­ebration with one’s family.

Verse 15 I came to meet you. Nothing like a little bit of flattery to draw a young man in. The woman tells him that she specifi­cally wants him. I looked for you and have found you! Could a woman be more fortunate than seeing and locating you?

“You know, I don’t usually do this, but these are special circumstances, and after all, it’s all meant to honor God and enjoy His goodness.” The young man 110 Sexuality

Illusions: • It would be bad manners (and em­barrassing) to be a “prude”—she’s just excited about a special occa­sion.

• She must have integrity— she ful­filled her commitment to God.

You’ve won the lottery!

There’s nothing like feeling special, or sought after. The young man’s ego is on the ropes.

Excursion four

Verses 16-17 Next, the woman engages his sensual nature. Visualize the setting.

Feel it. Taste it. Smell it. She paints enticing images on the canvas of his imagination. I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. His heart beats faster and faster, his nostrils flare, his pupils dilate; he feels his body coming to life.

Ch inv ca wi thr co pra sin to ev ou to

Fantasy embracing all the senses is in high gear.

Verse 18 This is not just some chance encounter, full of cheap emotions.

This is love. “You matter to me.” Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love!

What, after all, could be wrong with love, and who could possibly say no to it?

“Come on, enjoy yourself—you work so hard. You deserve it!”

Verses 19-20 My husband is not at home. No one will know. “It’s okay—we won’t get caught.” Sin is energized by anonymity, where no one knows, and anything goes.

You can feel the pull.

My husband (lit.,“the man”) is a phrase somewhat akin to the phrase “my old man” in our culture. It implies that the relationship isn’t all that meaningful anyway, or that it’s basically over, so it’s no big deal.

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In your own words, list in sequence each of the tactics of temptation from vv. 13-20.

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Religion plays an important role in the temptation equation.

What is it about religion that makes it a tool of temptation? (v. 14)

The phrase “I came to meet you� (v. 15) is just another tool in the temptation arsenal. What is it that makes a person vulnerable to this particular tactic? Explain.

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The Fall (vv. 21-27) With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk.

22 All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose 23 till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life.

24 Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say.

25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths.

26 Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng.

27 Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death.

21

Verse 21 Going, going, gone!

The woman has successfully directed the young man’s affections, imagina­tion, senses, thoughts, conscience, and will through a long passageway of many thresholds. With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk.

Verses 22-23 All at once . . . The tension has built up to the point that personal judgment gives way to fully charged emo­tions. The path of least resistance is to give in, little knowing that in­nocently stepping into this trap will cost him far more than he bargained for—it will cost him his life.

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Verses 24-27 The text shifts so that now we are made to see ourselves as conceivably filling the same role. Accordingly, we are told three things: • Guard your mind—Do not let your heart turn to her ways. You’re in danger as soon as your thoughts wander in this direction.

• Guard your feet—Do not stray into her paths. Be careful not to put yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time. This presupposes an important reality: Given the right circumstances, anyone is capable of just about anything.

• Consider the consequences—The way to her is the way to hell; her rooms are the chambers of death.

Look past the moment to the consequences of the price you are paying.

Is the cost really worth it?

This palace of personal indulgence—her house—has instead become a highway to the grave.

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Intentionality is a big deal when it comes to temptation. If our lives are focused and our energies committed in a direction, we will be much less vulnerable to the pull of tempta­tion.

Take some time here and construct your “Zone” by writing your own per­sonal plan. (Refer to the discussion on pp.

99-102.)

Specific boundaries you need to have in place. . .

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Specific accountability you need to have. . .

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What losses does moral failure represent to you?

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