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mansplain it to me

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Praise for: ‘An essential window into many of the hazard-strewn worlds younger women are living in right now.’ --Margaret Atwood, author of The Handmaid’s Tale ‘An important if not essential collection of essays, this book is almost impossible to put down..’ --Louise O’Neill, author of Asking For It ‘An essential, incredible multitudinous riot of voices... required reading.’ --Nikseh Shukla, editor of The Good Immigrant ‘mansplain it to me is The Intersectional Essay Collection Feminists Need’ --The Huffington Post ‘The most discussed upcoming publication of the year’ --The Independent ‘Sizzling hot, radical, and a great solace.’ --Chitra Ramaswamy ‘A bloody masterpiece. I’m shook!’ --Joelle Owusu ‘It’s powerful. This book is a treat like no other.’ --Zeba Talkhani A strikingly fresh cultural critic.-- Ron Charles Washington Post) mansplain it to me is so great at weaving the intimate and personal with what is most bewildering and upsetting at this moment in culture. It is always looking, always thinking, always passionate, always careful, always right there. -Sheila Heti, author of How Should a Person Be? Let this be the year of the angry women -Time Magazine

mansplain it to me women

mansplain it to me Copyright ÂŠ 2018 by angry women First published in Great Britain in 2018 by

Redefine Publishing The News Building 1 London Bridge St London se1 9gf

redefinepublishing.com facebook.com/redefinepublishing @redefinepublishing

The right of the angry women to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988 A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN-978-1-4093-1941-2 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in a retrieval system, in any from or by any means, without permission in writing from Redefine Publishing

Design by Jaz Moodie @jazmoodie Printed and bound by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CRO 4YY

for every woman.

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don’t know about you, but I’m tired of hearing ‘is a man is available?’ and being accused of menstruating when I voice a strong opinion. When a man voices his opinion, I don’t ask him if he’s been kicked in the balls, so I think it’s only fair that I’m given the same courtesy. mansplain it to me follows the experiences of women in the workplace. Those pesky wandering male hands, being mistaken for a secretary and being a ‘maternity risk’. Most men believe we have reached equality- women would disagree. Hannah Rose- Editor

contents the contributors

quickfire sexism

first job 53 meetings

bosses

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pay gap

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male ego 193 high ranking, 223 mediocre men different women, different ages

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foreword Caitlin Moran

the contributors Jen Pinner Linda Castro Louisa Poole Mel Lowe Beckie Huskinson Miranda Zapor Cruz Kristina Gossman Jane Jones Jane Doe Christienne Frank Corynne Cirilli

Jennifer Kelly

QUICKFIRE SEXISM stolen ideas

‘Moments later, a male in the room -offered up my suggestion’-

ome women recalled moments when they relayed an idea during a meeting, only to have a male colleague chime in later and claim it as his own. “I work in the oil and gas and power generation industry, and I am surrounded by mostly males. “I offer suggestions and comments during meetings, and often my suggestions do not even get acknowledged. Then, moments later, a male in the room offers up my suggestion and claims it as his own, and everyone acts real supportive and cheers it on, so to speak. “I have been on email threads with a team of colleagues, and if I state a fact that is not in agreement with what one of my male co-workers has said, he sends me a message later telling me that I need to ‘soften my responses’ to him. “I have been told by friends and family members that have not seen me for a while that I speak ‘with such authority,’ even just in friendly conversation outside of work, and that I ‘sort of talk more like a guy.’ I am certain I picked this up at work, as I need to seem as ‘unfeminine’ as possible in order to be taken seriously.” — Jennifer Kelly “I am a [male to female] transgender engineer working for a large aerospace company. I transitioned midcareer. I have found that prior to my transition, my input and opinions in meetings were regarded and considered. Post-transition, I could render an opinion or assertion, and it seems that only when a male colleague affirms the same assertion, only then is it taken seriously. He will then get credit for the idea. This is apart

mansplain it to me to constantly being interrupted while speaking. “If anyone wants to proclaim that this type of behavior does not exist, I have my life, lived in two genders, to refute this.” — Christienne Frank A male colleague said, ‘I’m sure you know a lot about cleaning.’ People chuckled. Some women shared stories about having sexist remarks hurled at them during meetings or having their contributions ignored. “I am an associate professor in informatics with a Ph.D. in Computer Science. Most recently, while at a meeting discussing faculty hires, I was explaining how a job candidate (who was a man) should not be hired for our faculty slot because he had never worked with medical data, which is sparse, messy and needs a lot of cleaning. “I was cut off after the ‘cleaning’ part by a male colleague saying, ‘I’m sure you know a lot about cleaning.’ People chuckled.” — Jane Doe “At a former company, the C-suite was dominated by men, but management was predominantly women. I remember sitting with two other intelligent women waiting for the C.E.O., and when he walked in, he looked around and said, ‘Where are all the guys?’ “If he had only realized that we were the ones getting stuff done.” — Jen Pinner “I am a retired attorney in California. I was having a telephone discussion with a male attorney during which I was vigorously advocating my client’s position. Midsentence, I was interrupted by the male attorney who said, ‘I think you need to take a Midol and call me back when you feel better.’ Although I was outraged at this sexist and ridiculous comment, I chose to ignore it and continued making my argument. The male attorney then hung up on me.” — Linda Castro “I worked in investment banking and was the only female in the team for awhile. “I’ve been told, ‘The only reason you would be in the boardroom is if you were bringing us tea.’ When I said that was out of line, I was told that I couldn’t take a joke. I raised this with the head of the division, and he refused to believe me. “The same head of the division had commented when I asked about overseas transfer opportunities. I was asked: ‘Why do you want to go overseas? To find a man?’ “I pushed my direct boss to do something about it and to his credit he did try. But sure enough I was ostracized for speaking up and complaining. “What the experience tells me is that it’s a top-down cultural issue. If the senior leaders are not serious about it or held accountable for it, there’s no hope for the rest of the team.” — Louisa Poole

QUICKFIRE SEXISM the pay gap

‘I was told that he made more because he was the head of his household.’

ome women spoke broadly of the gender pay gap, but many shared specific stories of being paid less than a male counterpart. “One of my most recent favorites was during an annual performance review. I was told I wasn’t getting a raise (not even a cost-of-living increase), so I was a bit taken aback. My manager’s response? ‘It doesn’t matter. Your money is just for fun, anyway.’” — Beckie Huskinson ‘I have never felt undervalued for regressive gender roles.’ While most women recalled numerous instances of sexism and gender bias in the workplace, others praised a culture of inclusivity. “I have had very positive experiences in my workplace. That may surprise people because I am an assistant professor of theology at an evangelical Christian university in the Midwest. Christians, especially conservative evangelicals, have a reputation for regressive gender roles. “I have never felt undervalued or had my voice stifled, even when I am the only female on a committee. My male colleagues understand (or are at least trying to understand) the importance of being advocates for full inclusion of women. “I think the major difference in my situation is my university’s theological commitment to gender equality. Sometimes we women, especially liberal activist women like me, can get so deep into the mire of sexism that we can lose sight of the fact that progress is being made, and there are places where women really do have it good.” — Miranda Zapor Cruz

mansplain it to me ‘I’ve had men ask, “Is there a man I can talk to?”’ “I work at a wastewater treatment plant, and hold a license in the field. I literally have men come into our plant, see me and ask, ‘Is there a man I can talk to?’ I’ve also been accused of ‘sleeping my way into the job.’ You know, because every woman dreams of sleeping her way into the sewer industry.” — Kristina Gossman “Who ordered the hooker?” I work in a particularly male-dominated industry where the majority of their time is spent in the pub guffawing about something to do with property or golf. In order to not miss out on this networking opportunity I too have to subject myself to this event every Thursday where their four pints are matched with my four large glasses of wine. Last week when I walked into the pub one of my male colleagues shouted across the room (in front of both clients and bosses): “Who ordered the hooker?” So as not to offend anyone by seeming “sensitive” I pretended to laugh along with the brutes. Ha. Ha. Ha. — Jane Jones,

high ranking mediocre men

Corynne Cirilli

Women, You’re Not The Problem -Our Sexist Workplace Culture Is-

fter more than a decade of working full-time in various editorial roles and in a range of office environments, I am now, at 35, a freelancer. On one hand, there is an obvious explanation for why I no longer hold a fancy title like executive editor or editorial director. I lost my job in late 2016 and, six months later, got pregnant with my second child. “It’s just not a good time to start an office job right now,” I say when anyone asks about my plans to go back “full-time.” (As if having seven deadlines a week isn’t working full-time.) Yes, I enjoy the extra time I have with my family and 3-year-old son, but if I’m being honest, “time with my family” isn’t the real reason I haven’t pursued an office gig. I’m not going after any high-level jobs right now because, honestly, I am exhausted from dealing with the rampant and unapologetic sexism of workplace culture. I graduated NYU cum laude in under four years with a degree in journalism and a minor in gender studies. Yet as I steadily climbed from reporter to senior editor to managing editor to news editor, every new position came with more reminders that being a woman was a clear disadvantage. There was the male colleague who watched porn all day at his desk — which was directly next to my desk — and commented about it, loudly, with other men at work. (Do I even need to say this was a male colleague? Do women ever, ever proudly announce they are watching pornography at work?) When I expressed disgust, I was told to stop being so immature and to “lighten up.” That same guy, about 30 years my senior, also once told me “your boobs look great in that shirt.” I wore headphones for six months and eventually quit. There was the reporter who had less experience than I did, who was hired after me, and

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who, I later found out, was being paid almost $10K more than I was. When I asked my company for a raise, my editor just started critiquing me more harshly and giving me poor performance reviews to justify the lower earnings. I was punished for not working harder to nurture and uphold a culture built around the lethal combination of aging white men’s ego and libido. Even though I knew I was outperforming that guy — breaking and writing more and better stories — I still believed, somewhere in me, that I wasn’t good enough. There was the managing editor — one of the only men on our team — that I went to for guidance on how to resolve a workflow issue I’d been having with another colleague. His response? “This is why you don’t fill an entire staff with 20-something girls.” There was the manager who, every week, after I gave in-depth, highly researched presentations about our website’s performance and KPIs, would take something I said and then repeat it back to everyone on the call — including our company’s president — as though it was his original thought. One time, I called him out on it. His response? Something along the lines of, “But the way I am phrasing it makes it more clear.” There was the male friend who was recruiting for an editor of a startup. When I reached out to throw my hat in the ring, he told me, “We’re actually only looking for a guy for this role. Sorry!” When I pointed out that wasn’t legal, he told me to “chill.” There was the male staff writer who, even though he reported to me, constantly interrupted me and talked over me in meetings. There were the colleagues (both male and female) who, after I had a baby, rolled their eyes or got frustrated every time I left for 20 minutes to pump breast milk. There was the hiring manager who asked if I would be dedicated enough to my job considering I had a young child at home. (She herself had kids.) I know some of these actions are against New York State and other laws. I know I could have gone to “HR.” But not only did many of these companies not have a functioning HR department, it was super clear to me — as it was to many of the woman who have recently come forward with their stories of everyday harassment in the workplace — that it wouldn’t make a lick of difference. How do you prove gender discrimination? How do you prove you’re not bad at your job when the man in power wants you gone for pushing back? Thanks to the many women who have come forward with their own stories of experiencing harassment, bias and even assault in the workplace, we are now in a moment of dissecting how toxic workplace culture is for women. But it’s not just the disregard for our basic rights to comfort and safety that make it so toxic ― it’s also the general disregard for women’s ability to succeed. When men in the workplace, intentional or not, call women “girls,” create hyper-sexualized environments, begrudge us for wanting equal pay, dismiss our desire for conflict resolution as immature, punish us for having children, interrupt or co-opt our ideas, they are telling us: You matter less. The basic truth, that we are simply not as valuable as men, is drilled into us at every turn possible. In response to The New York Times’ decision to continue reporter Glenn Thrush’s employment despite the culture of toxicity he created and contributed to, feminist author Jessica Valenti tweeted: “What the NYT is doing—and has done since Thrush’s

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suspension—is signal to women that their careers are not as important as men’s. Full stop.” That is the same signal I received from nearly every workplace environment I’ve ever been in. It didn’t come from one person. It wasn’t created or enforced with intention. But, left unexamined, this dismissal of women’s concerns at work has the cumulative effect of making us believe we are less valuable. I, for one, internalized that message as one of personal failing. I blamed myself for “allowing” the weight of these double standards crush me. Certainly plenty of women have risen to the top of male-dominated environments. Why wasn’t I able conjure their steely grit? Why couldn’t I lean in? In the end, I think I just got too tired. Tired of watching mediocre guys coast to high-ranking positions based on their likability. Tired of the message that I needed to figure out how to exist in a culture that prizes and supports maleness and whiteness above all else. I got tired of hearing my own ideas repeated back to me. Of being cut off. Of watching women tear each other down in order to get ahead. Of course, I’ve made my share of mistakes as an employee, as a manager and as a writer. Who hasn’t? I’m not here to say I was perfect. But the punishment never seemed to fit the crime. Because in the end, I wasn’t ever really punished for poor performance. I was punished for not working harder to nurture and uphold a culture built around the lethal combination of aging white men’s ego and libido. Recently, Rebecca Traister wrote a piece in response to workplace harassment titled “This Moment Isn’t (Just) About Sex. It’s Really About Work,” which describes how these power dynamics wear away at women’s confidence in the workplace. She unpacks the disappointment women feel for having “tricked ourselves into thinking [men] might see us as smart, formidable colleagues or rivals, not as the kinds of objects they can just grab and grope and degrade without consequence.” Traister writes, “Women’s access to work and to power within their workplaces is curtailed, often via the very same mechanisms that promote, protect, and forgive men, the systems that give them double, triple chances to advance, and to abuse those around them, over and over again.” The year I have spent away from the system of abuse has been one of reflection. I have focused on the many great bosses and colleagues I’ve had over the years, including male bosses who mentored me, treated me like a true colleague and saw my female qualities as an asset instead of a hindrance. Over time, I was able shift the blame away from myself and start to accept that I am fine — it’s the culture that’s in desperate need of repair. To the many women who came forward with their stories, along with the voices of the journalists and writers who have analyzed and put these truths about workplace culture and sexism into context, I thank you. I thank you for helping me see that I was not alone in my struggle. For helping me see that my resistance to accepting this great untruth — that I was not good or smart or qualified — is a positive attribute.

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Women. There’s a lot of us. We’re strong, powerful and achieve academically, but we’re highly unlikely to get a top job. It’s time to change the narrative. New female voices of the 21st-century are brought together to challenge archaic sexism and inequality. By talking we expose, we support and we make change. Together.

“An essential window into many of the hazard-strewn worlds younger women are living in right now.” - Margaret Atwood

£12.99