I’m a Bereaved Parent. My Story Begins

by Kara Palladino

In early June of 2014, my husband and I were excited to learn that we were expecting our seventh child, and immediately got to work on very important details, such as how we were going to fit nine people into one minivan. That painful move from a car to a minivan pales in comparison to the move from minivan to passenger van!

My pregnancy was going great considering I’m a woman who from the moment of conception until birth lives on Zofran to prevent nausea and vomiting. I undergo a surgical cerclage at 13 weeks and deliver our babies at 30-32 weeks. I know the NICU nurses so well they say, “See you next year Mrs. Palladino!”

So I had a pretty good idea of what to expect; what is typical for me. But something in my heart didn’t feel 100% typical this time.

I remember reading an article about miscarriage in a magazine and thinking, “Oh, I wonder how those poor women do it?” and quickly turning the page. However, at that moment, I can also remember feeling the Lord was calling me to do something, but since I had no idea what it was, I ignored it.

In September of that same year, the mission for which Our Lord was preparing me became clear amidst the most difficult time in our lives.

During an ultrasound, we learned that our sweet baby, Francis Josephine, had died. The ultrasound technician, Karen, the same one who met most of our babies before I did, had tears in her eyes. With multiple high risk pregnancies, I have been through more than one hundred ultrasounds. So when I looked at the screen it was obvious to me the baby was not alive. I know a beating heart from a still one. And instantly, my own heart, full of love and anticipation, was broken.

My first reaction was one of astonishment. This kind of thing happened to “other people” but not to me. Not to us. Yes, we camped at the NICU but we LEFT together. They LIVED. I was genuinely floored this was happening.

Then, a memory flashed before my eyes of a woman at a bible study I attended years back describing how even years later she was still

haunted by not being able to lay her baby’s remains to rest. So my next reaction was one of pleading with my doctor: “Please, let me bury my baby.”

The bereavement coordinator went on to tell me about a burial program provided by the hospital. I remember saying “I think that’s lovely but I’m sure my church has a plan for this…” How embarrassing, in hindsight. She covered my ignorance in a polite smile and said that she would help me in any way she could if I made arrangements for a private burial.

The first thing I did was call my church. My church--the place I felt most at home. I was so sure they had a plan for burying babies who died in utero. When I didn’t hear back from someone, I called again. I left a message. And called again. I left a detailed message. On my final call, I boldly left a message with the secretary: “Look I’m not calling because I need a pat on the back, I’m calling because I have a dead baby to bury.” Would you believe that even those stark words would not lead to a return call?

I still love my parish. It’s a wonderful church with thousands of families and I learned later that the pastor was out of town, so the staff was not prepared for my request. However, as difficult as it was to face at this painful time, looking back now, I thank God they didn’t return my calls because, otherwise, A Mom’s Peace wouldn’t be here.

When I realized that my parish did not have a burial plan, I accepted that I, with God’s help, had to find a way to bury my precious baby, Francis Josephine. Little did I know at the time, I was laying the foundation for A Mom’s Peace. But God knew.

I started calling funeral homes and cemeteries because I had no idea what you do when a baby dies in utero and, apparently, plenty of funeral homes and cemeteries didn’t either. I heard “no,” “no” and “no” over and over again. When I finally heard “yes” we can bury your baby, I heard “$5,000.” “That’ll be $5,000.”

One man actually said to me, “Change your language. When you’re calling people don’t say ‘baby.’ They’re confused. Just say you have some tissue and per your religion you want to bury it.” My precious child, my hopes and dreams have been reduced to “tissue” because she wasn’t born alive!

I couldn’t believe what was happening. I needed to find that person who started a burial program for babies that died in utero. Only to find there wasn’t one and someone needed to start it. Right then, I realized that God wanted that someone to be...me.

Within the month, and in practically a trance-like state, I was building

“A Mom’s Peace; An Apostolate for Mothers of Miscarried and Stillborn Souls.” I needed peace and I was going to find it here. If I could help just one mom so she didn’t have to go through all of the work I did, hear all the “no’s,” be discouraged by all the dollar signs, it would be worth it.

I’ve prayed my whole life, “Please God, do not ever make me bury a baby.”

Now, instead of burying one baby, my baby Francis, we’ve helped parents bury hundreds of babies. This wasn’t the plan I envisioned for my life. It wasn’t supposed to happen to me. But now, when I hear “Tell God your plans and watch Him laugh,” I know exactly what they mean.

In just six years, by the grace of God, our small 501(c)(3) nonprofit has had the privilege of serving more than 800 families. We’ve connected with hospitals, funeral homes and many cemeteries. We have placed babies in 17 different cemeteries and have served in six states. We have even been gifted entire sections of cemeteries for this purpose.

The Lord has also called us to grow beyond what the Palladino family initially needed in the wake of our baby dying. While a proper, affordable and timely burial is incredibly important in respecting lives lost and also necessary to support the emotional needs of the parents, we quickly learned that the parents’ needs start before internment and continue afterwards.

Too many moms experiencing the traumatic loss of their baby through miscarriage and stillbirth aren’t given all their options at the moment they learn their baby has died. A Mom’s Peace has helped guide parents through these questions they may have never thought to ask such as: How do I get my baby’s remains? Will the hospital release them to me or do I need a funeral home? If I miscarry and need a D&C, can I still secure my child’s remains? What if I miscarry at home, how do I collect the remains? How do I care for them before burial and what should I expect physically depending upon the gestation age of the child?

Because miscarriage and stillbirth aren’t comfortable topics to discuss, many moms are completely caught off guard when it happens to them. We want to make sure that we advocate for our parents and help them navigate through this disorienting time, so they are at peace at the time of the burial that they did all they could to treat their baby with dignity.

Over the years, moms have contacted us asking if we have a place to honor babies who were too young to leave remains behind or burial for their miscarried babies was, for var-

ious reasons, not possible. We recognized this as God inspiring us to grow in a different way, by providing a virtual resting place, a memorial garden, for miscarried and stillborn babies. This spring of 2020, we began The Garden of Remembrance.

The Garden is an online space that treasures each child gone too soon regardless of how many days, weeks or months their short lives blessed ours. We invite parents to share the name of their child, the date of loss and to select a flower that adorns The Garden in their memory.

In only a few short months, The Garden has blossomed and is still growing. We honor more than 245 miscarried and stillborn souls dating back as early as the 1930’s and 1940’s. And though it was originally created to honor lives lost when interment was not an option, we welcome all parents to commemorate their child here even if he or she has already been buried or cremated.

Our hope is that The Garden is a place that celebrates life while grieving loss and that parents may feel supported when they see they are not alone on this difficult journey. The Garden has been a rewarding addition to our apostolate.

Once the baby has been laid to rest or otherwise memorialized, however, the pain of the parents continues. This is only the beginning of their journey towards peace and healing. The question that continued to be asked was “How do we help parents emotionally in the trauma of losing a child?”

In our research, for parents who lose a child after birth, there seem to be strong support systems in place to assist parents in the grieving process. A newborn or infant loss is terribly difficult, so we were thankful to see these parents surrounded by options for psychological and emotional support. However, this was not the case for support systems for those of us who lose a child before birth. Many moms are forced to suffer in silence. We did not want the moms who reach out to us to be left to suffer alone.

Dr. Sabine Heisman, like so many of our volunteers, experienced loss herself several years ago and we had the privilege of helping lay her twins’ remains to rest. She is now our Therapeutic Director, empowering parents not to bury their big emotions but to feel them fully and completely. To learn how to accept your new normal and how to reframe memories of your child from painful to beautiful. She leads monthly support group meetings, all of which have been virtual in the past several months due to physical distancing.

We are also blessed with a very spe-

cial volunteer, Deacon Gerard-Marie Anthony, for spiritual guidance. He helps us remember our God is a God of healing and that He loves us in and through our grief. He reminds us that Our Lady of Sorrows knows all too well the difficult path of a grieving parent and that she accompanies us as only a mother can in the healing days that follow. He, along with countless other religious, have served as celebrants for the services we help parents plan to lay their children’s remains to rest. Our 501(c)(3) is completely run by volunteers, who are the lifeblood of our organization. From the beginning, administrators, directors, lawyers, and religious, helped to establish A Mom’s Peace with the goal of providing peace to moms suffering in the wake of pregnancy loss. Our sewing and knitting teams use their crafting skills and time to gift layettes to our families for their babies. Their babies are buried in hand sewn gowns and linens. And parents are provided with handmade blankets and other keepsakes so that parents may have something tangible in memory of their baby. Our local casket maker, while in prayer, handcrafts each casket to the perfect size needed for the child’s remains. These caskets are gifted from family to family. No one ever purchases a casket. When you donate to the apostolate in the wake of your loss, you in turn provide for the family who will grieve next. A Mom’s Peace would not be here if it wasn’t for God working through me to begin this apostolate in the midst of the worst of nightmares, the loss of a child, and in the small, daily ‘FIAT’ each of us in the apostolate offers to bring peace to families in need. He has turned our suffering into sacrifice. He has made it fruitful in helping the next family faced with burying a child. And He, with praise and thanks, has led us to peace.

For “A Mom’s Peace; An Apostolate for Mothers of Miscarried and Stillborn Souls” contact information, please visit: https://www.amomspeace.org/

For “The Garden of Remembrance”, please visit: https://www.amomspeace.org/garden-of-remembrance.html

For “The Garden” where the memorial flowers are located by initial of the baby’s last name: https://www.amomspeace.org/garden-290435.html

For the virtual ‘monthly support group meetings” the link is https://www.amomspeace.org/virtualsupportgroup.html

For our volunteers: https://www.amomspeace.org/whowe-are.html