SAVAGE LOVE MANNERS

If you’re having guy problems I feel bad for you, son

BY DAN SAVAGE

I’m a gay man and I’ve recently started seeing a guy in an open relationship. He’s intelligent, funny, and sexy. He told me early on that his partner is a Dom top, into kink (leather, latex, etc.), that his partner has caged boys, and so on. Moreover, with his partner he’s a “bratty sub,” meaning he engages in erotic disobedience and defiance. I was indifferent to this initially, but I have begun to become aware of his partner’s presence in a way I don’t like, even though I’ve never met the guy. I also find myself feeling resentful and jealous of the idea of him being told what to do, held back, or controlled. (The sex we have is hot, intimate, and intense, as well as completely vanilla.) I know his relationship with his partner is none of my business, but if he truly is a bratty sub, and his partner is a “tamer,” am I just a pawn in their games? Is the intimacy we share in the service of his primary D/s relationship? I like this guy and wish I could be with him but that’s not possible because he and his partner are engaged. I’m okay with that. But I can’t stand the idea of our connection being incorporated into an erotic game he’s playing with his partner. I don’t want to be conscripted into their power exchange. I welcome your advice.

NEITHER BRAT NOR TAMER

Let’s call the guy you’re hooking up with “Brat” and call his fiancé “Dom.” Worst-case scenario, NBNT, Brat goes home and tells Dom everything you’ve been doing together, presumably in a very bratty way, and then Dom punishes Brat for being a slutty brat. If that’s what they’re doing — and we don’t know if that’s what they’re doing — then, yeah, I guess the vanilla sex you’re having with Brat is being “incorporated” into the erotic powerexchange games Brat and Dom play together. You could ask Brat not to tell Dom anything about the time he spends with you, NBNT, but you ultimately can’t control what Brat does or says when he’s alone with Dom … and them telling each other everything might be a condition of their open relationship … and you attempting to control what Brat says to Dom when they’re alone while at the same time objecting to the control Dom has over Brat is a little hypocritical.

Zooming out for a second: Anyone who doesn’t like the idea of someone they’re fucking talking to a primary partner about the fucking they’re doing shouldn’t fuck primarily partnered people and/or should only fuck primarily partnered people who have DADT arrangements with their primary partners. (Submissive English majors: I order you to diagram that sentence.)

Back to you, NBNT: I think the real issue here is that you’ve caught feelings for Brat. But since you can’t object to Dom’s existence, as Dom was a given at the start (and Dom’s willingness to open the relationship made your connection with Brat possible), you’ve subconsciously landed on the idea of objecting to the sex Brat has with Dom and the possibility that the sex Brat has with you — in addition to being great and hot for you — fuels his connection to Dom. So, it’s not that Brat plays a subordinate role in his relationship with Dom that bothers you (e.g., Brat being told what to do, Dom controlling Brat), but the subordinate role you play in Brat’s life. You want Brat the way Dom has Brat — not the sub part, NBNT, the partner part — and you’re going to have to come to terms with that if you decide to keep seeing Brat.

P.S. Just in case any Tucker Carlson producers are digging through my column looking for things to get outraged about: “caged boys” is a reference to submissive adult men, sometimes called “boys,” who enjoy wearing locking male chastity devices, sometimes called “cages.” Brat’s fiancé is holding the keys to cages with cocks in them, not the keys to cages with children in them.

What is the etiquette for running into people you’ve hooked up with? My partner and I, both males, practice ENM, so long as he doesn’t know who I hook up with and I always play safe. I was recently on my own at a store and saw a guy I hooked up with. I would’ve said hi/acknowledged him, but he was with another guy, so I actively avoided eye contact since I didn’t know if they were together. But we definitely saw each other, just not at the same time. I want to be ready for when this happens again either when I’m alone or with my partner.

Ran Into Guy I Dicked

Fucking questions, sucking questions, cock-locking questions — I feel qualified to answer those on my own. But etiquette questions? Those are outside my areas of expertise, RIGID. So, I shared your letter with Daniel Post Senning, great-great grandson of Emily Post and coauthor of Emily Post’s Etiquette: 19th Edition

“Etiquette says we acknowledge people we know with our eyes, a wave, a nod, and a polite ‘How’s it going?’ when we meet in passing,” said Senning. “So long as the other person understands the limits of your romantic connection, there’s no reason for the encounter to be awkward.”

Since you weren’t with your partner, RIGID, you were free to acknowledge your hookup without your partner both noticing and knowing. But let’s say you were with your partner. What then?

“In a small world where we might be managing multiple relationships where the parties would rather not interact or know about each other, it’s a good idea to make explicitly sure everybody knows that fact,” said Senning, “and everyone knows that might mean walking past each other in public or otherwise limiting interactions.”

In other words, RIGID, what you know your partner knows — he would rather not know about your hookups — your hookups need to know, too. It’s a small world and the gay world is even smaller; even if you were to stick to horny tourists and business travelers, your chances of running into a hookup when you’re out with your partner are high. So, you should say something like this to your hookups as you’re showing them to the door: “Hey, that was great. Look, if we run into each other and I’m with my partner, I might not be able to say hi. We’re open but we’re doing the ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ thing, and saying hello to a hot guy like you is a tell. My apologies in advance.”

Now, in the example you mentioned, RIGID, you were alone, but your hookup was with someone else, and you opted to pretend not to see him. Was that the right thing to do, etiquette-wise?

“Thinking about how you manage these moments with consideration for all involved is the right way to think these things through,” said Senning. “RIGID was right to consider the possibility the guy he saw might not want a past hookup to say ‘Hello’ or otherwise engage when he was with someone else.”

While I agree with Senning — and defer to him on all matters of etiquette — I think gay men should err on the side of acknowledging the existence of men whose asses we’ve recently eaten, whenever possible. Ignoring someone we’ve fucked is cold and it can leave that person wondering what they may have done wrong. So, a quick smile and a nod. If the guy he’s with notices — or if the guy you’re with notices — telling a small lie to spare someone’s feelings is a courtesy that etiquette allows.

Some suggestions: “We used to work together,” “He goes to my gym,” “That’s George Santos.”

Daniel Post Senning co-authored Emily Post’s Etiquette: 19th Edition with Lizzie Post, also a great-great grandchild of Emily Post. Together they co-host the podcast Awesome Etiquette

I’m a 42-year-old gay man living in San Francisco, and I can’t stop playing the cum dump. My partner of 10 years wants to marry me next year. That’s not the problem. My problem is that we have ridden an STI train for two years. Every three months we get a positive for something. It’s a roller coaster ride of shots and pills. My partner wants us to close our relationship and get off the STI train. My partner enjoys being topped by me, but he is older and struggles to top me. I’m vers and love bottoming. So, I end up exploring all the normal spots for anonymous sex when I want to get topped. I tried going to these spaces and just giving oral. Something I also love doing, but I always end up bottoming. And I quickly go from “please wear a condom” to “load me up.” My doctor isn’t supportive, and I get lots of “you need to stop doing this” from him. What should I do?

LUSTING OVER ANON DICK

You should find a few regular fuck buddies who can load you up. That won’t eliminate your risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections, LOAD, but having more sex with fewer people will — under most circumstances — significantly lower your risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections. And if you find it hard to stick to using condoms or oral when you visit places where men have anonymous sex, LOAD, you should avoid those places.

Again, I wanna emphasize that finding a small group of regular fuckbuddies isn’t a perfect system for avoiding sexually transmitted infections — only abstinence is, it saddens me to say — but taking non-anon and/or nearly-anon loads from a small number of regulars as opposed to anon loads from a large number of irregulars should result in less time on the STI train. And if you like the sleazy vibes at “the normal spots” for anonymous sex — bathhouses, sex clubs, public sex environments — you can arrange to meet your regular fuck buddies at them.

P.S. Your doctor shouldn’t shame you, LOAD, but you can’t expect your doctor to congratulate you after you’ve contracted your fourth STI in less than a year. And your partner sounds frustrated with the track you’re on. He’s talking about closing the relationship right now, LOAD. If you don’t want him to start thinking about ending it, you’ll make some changes.

P.P.S. Therapy.

Send your burning questions to mailbox@savage.love; podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love!

Sudoku

BY LINDA THISTLE

Trivia Test

BY FIFI RODRIGUEZ

1. MUSIC: Which band sang the theme song to TV’s “Friends”?

2. ANATOMY: What is the only bone in the human body that isn’t attached to another bone nearby?

3. LITERATURE: What is the setting for the “Anne of Green Gables” novel series?

4. TELEVISION: Who plays the lead role in the sitcom “Mr. Mayor”?

5. GEOGRAPHY: Where are the Spanish Steps located?

6. HISTORY: How long did the first man in space, Yuri Gagarin, orbit the planet?

7. AD SLOGANS: Which restaurant chain advises customers to “eat fresh”?

8. SCIENCE: What is the only form of energy that can be seen with the human eye?

9. ANIMAL KINGDOM: With which animal do humans share 98.8% of their DNA?

PLACE A NUMBER IN THE EMPTY BOXES IN SUCH A WAY THAT EACH ROW ACROSS, EACH COLUMN DOWN AND EACH SMALL 9-BOX SQUARE CONTAINS ALL OF THE NUMBERS ONE TO NINE.

10. MOVIES: Which movie features the famous line, “I see dead people”?

Crossword

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Shutting people out to avoid distractions, even under a deadline, can cause hurt feelings. Instead, return calls and emails, and explain why you need a zone of privacy for now.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Although your keen Bull’s eyes usually can discern what’s fact from what’s faux, that upcoming decision will need really solid data before you can risk a commitment.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) As your confidence grows, you should be able to work toward your goals with more enthusiasm. Open your mind to suggestions. Some of them might even work for you.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Reconnecting with someone from your past stirs up that old sense of adventure. But before you do anything else, be sure to get answers to any lingering questions.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) Some people might resent the way you plan to resolve a difficult situation. But your commitment to making tough but fair decisions soon wins you their respect and support.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Mixed signals could be causing that vexing workplace problem. Before you choose to leave the project, ask for a meeting so that you can get things out in the open.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Your good intentions could backfire if you’re not careful with other people’s feelings. Try using persuasion, not pressure, to get others to see your side of the situation.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Your dedication to finishing the task at hand is laudable. But be careful not to overdo the midnight oil bit. Take time for relaxation with someone very special.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Although your intuition will help you make some tough choices in the first half of the month, you’ll need more facts to back up your actions later on.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) All that hard work and research in the workplace finally pays off as you hoped it would. Ignore comments from jealous types who are out to get the Goat riled up.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) An unfair decision creates unnecessary problems. But avoid anger and move carefully as you work this out. Expect to get support from an unlikely source.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) A fuzzy financial vista persists until the end of the month, when things begin to clear up. You’ll also gain a better perspective on how to handle pesky personal problems.

BORN THIS WEEK: You have a wonderful way of being there for those who need your help in difficult times.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) You might be hurt by a colleague’s harsh criticism. But don’t let it shake your confidence in what you’re trying to do. A more positive aspect starts to appear by week’s end.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You’re torn between your sensible self and the part of you that enjoys acquiring lovely things. Best advice: Wait for a sale, and then buy yourself something wonderful.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Your artistic side has practical applications this week, such as redecorating your home or redesigning your personal stationery. Whatever you do, someone special will like it.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You could be drawn into a problem between friends or family members. Best bet: Ask the questions that go to the heart of the matter, and then get them all together for a group hug.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) As much as you love being the center of attention, your big Lion’s heart impels you to share the spotlight with a colleague who helped you with that well-praised project.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Your eagerness to act on a challenge is wisely tempered early in the week by a lack of necessary information. Things begin to clear up during the weekend.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) A relationship you’d hoped would keep going seems to be going nowhere. Close it out and move on to a brighter romantic aspect just beginning to manifest itself.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Things don’t go completely as planned this week. But enjoy the surprises, even if you have to adjust your schedule. Some of them could be quite delightful.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Making choices is usually easy for you straight-shooting Archers. But a new development could deflect your aim. Try to put off decisions until you know more.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) While part of you might prefer taking a more familiar path, let your more daring and -- admit it --super-curious self see what the unexplored has to offer.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Those nasty types have slithered back under the rocks and present no more problems. Now’s the time to move ahead on that promising new relationship.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) A new offer could clear up that lingering money problem. Also, a more confident attitude on your part might help you get that personal situation back on track.

BORN THIS WEEK: You have a way of turning chaos into order. You’re also generous with your help for those who seek it.