SAVAGE LOVE QUICKIES

They’re coming in waves

BY DAN SAVAGE

My fiancé has a foot fetish, and he hates it. Can you tell him it’s harmless and immutable?

Harmless! Immutable! Also, we’re living in the golden age of foot-fetishist representation — from the conniving, murderous, unctuous Ser Larys Strong on HBO’s House of the Dragon (prestige television!) to the sweet, goofy, traumatized Jimmy on TLC’s MILF Manor (trash television!), guys with a thing for feet are suddenly all over our screens. And as kinks go, there are far … well, I don’t want to say worse fetishes. Let’s just say there are fetishes that are far harder to explain, far riskier to attempt, and that a vanilla partner is far less likely to happily indulge you in.

Would you contact an ex after a year to ask how they are?

Depends on the ex, depends on the breakup, and depends on where we left things. If the ex was a genuinely nice person that I liked, I might be inclined to reach out. If I experienced the breakup as amicable and I have every reason to believe my ex did too, I might be inclined to reach out. And if the last time we talked we both said we would be open to being friends in the future, I might be inclined to reach out.

Are you experienced with chastity?

I have tried on a cock cage — once a philosopher — but the idea of having my cock locked up for an extended period of time doesn’t appeal to me.

Is sexting real sex or mutual masturbation? Is sex with an AI chatbot real sex or masturbation?

The American Psychological Association defines “mutual masturbation” as a “sexual activity in which two individuals stimulate each other’s genitals at the same time for the purpose of sexual gratification.”

(Emphasis added for, well, emphasis.) Since you can’t touch someone’s else junk via sext message, sexting wouldn’t count as mutual masturbation. It’s a shared erotic experience, and one many people in monogamous relationships would consider cheating, but it’s not a sex act. And while you can certainly stimulate your own genitals as you swap messages with an AI chatbot, that’s not fucking. That’s typing.

How do I get my libido back? I’ve lost it to SSRIs and boredom.

Talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds — advocate for your own libido — and then talk to your partner about breaking out of your sexual rut(s). If you’re always having sex with the same person, in the same place, at the same time, and in the same way, try having sex with someone else, someplace else, at some other time, and in some other way. If you aren’t allowed to have sex with anyone else, then have sex someplace else, at some other time, and in some other way with your partner. And if the only person you’re allowed to have sex with (or want to have sex with) isn’t willing to give other places, times, and ways a try, well, breakups are never boring.

How does one find space for masturbation when living together with very little alone time?

One takes long showers, one gets up early or goes to bed late, one seizes opportunities as they present themselves, e.g., partner has a doctor’s appointment, partner is out with friends, partner is locked in the storage unit in the basement.

Speaking of Muppet faces … who is your favorite actual Muppet?

My ideal man has always been Janice from the Muppets no lipstick, less mascara, and a very big dick.

What can/should I wear to a fetish party if leather/latex aren’t my thing(s)?

Check if the fetish party you’re planning to attend has a dress code. Some require a certain kind of fetish attire (usually leather and/or latex), but these days most fetish parties are open to any kind of fetish attire. You’ll see people at fetish parties in leather and latex, of course, but you’ll also see people in zentai suits, wrestling singlets, jockstraps, canvas straightjackets, fursuits or nothing at all.

What is the best way to meet bi cis women in LTRs with men who want to hook up?

There are apps for that.

Shoes or boots?

Wearing? Shoes. Licking? Boots.

I have two friends who hate each other. Neither knows I’m friends with the other. What do I do? Whatever you’ve been doing, I guess, seeing as you’ve managed to be friends with both without either finding out. Alternatively, you could tell them both and watch what happens. If one issues an ultimatum (you can’t be friends with both of us, you have to pick, etc.), you should definitely end your friendship — with the person who issued the ultimatum. If they both issue ultimatums, go make new and better friends.

How do I cope with feeling ostracized from my local kink community due to some unfair accusations?

Get input from people who know you and may have observed your interactions at kink events and/or with your past partner(s), learn from your mistakes (if any), make amends (if possible), and get help (if necessary). And if you’re still not welcome in your local kink community … you’ll have to find or create a new one.

I’m feeling very weird about trans women exploring tampons with such wonder, a feeling that has taken me off guard.

We got used to having a King of England who once explored — through fantasy and, for all we know, through roleplay — being his then-mistress’ tampon. How did we all manage to do that? Well, we tried not to think about it; and when that failed (when certain prestige dramas reminded us), we tried to remember that it’s none of our business. You can get used to trans women exploring tampons the same way: Try not to think about it and if you find yourself thinking about it despite your best efforts … remind yourself that it’s none of your business.

Can someone be bad at cuddling? Yes.

Is it possible to “turn” someone gay? No.

Is marriage worth it? Yes and no.

Gay tops and bottoms — nature or nurture?

Some gay men really, really wanna bottom but can’t because bottoming — being the one getting fucked during anal intercourse — just doesn’t work for them; there’s just some physiological thing that prevents them from getting fucked. That’s nature. Some gay men don’t wanna bottom because it conflicts with their selfconception — the person they see themselves as — and some gay men don’t want to top for the same reason. That’s nurture. And some people are versatile, of course, and some — sides — aren’t interested in topping or bottoming, at least when it comes to anal sex.

Why would my boyfriend spend an amazing weekend filled with sex and affection with me, then make future plans, only to dump me over the phone a few days later without any real explanation, empathy, or care? I feel confused and abandoned.

Your ex-boyfriend’s behavior wasn’t confusing. It was clarifying. Now you can clearly see what you missed before: Your ex-boyfriend is an asshole. You don’t (or shouldn’t) want to be with an asshole, so he did you a favor — a painful favor, but still — by revealing himself to be an asshole and promptly exiting your life, which is the nicest thing an asshole can possibly do for you.

My boyfriend drinks three to four drinks per day. Is it my place to ask him to reduce consumption? It’s his body, after all.

It’s his body, he can do what he likes with it, and he gets to make his own choices. But your body is your body. You can do what you like with your body, and you get to make your own choices. And if you and your body don’t wanna be with someone who drinks as much as your boyfriend does, you can choose to take your body and go. If your boyfriend and his body would like you and your body to stay, he can choose to drink less.

I’m a 40-year-old man and I’m about to be single again. How do I approach dating?

With a sense of wonder and anticipation — also, a real appreciation for your luck, as your timing could not be better. You don’t mention your sexual orientation, but the world is suddenly full of men and women — some your own age, some significantly younger — who are all about dating, fucking, and possibly marrying daddies, e.g., hot men in their 40s and 50s. Make sure you’re in good working order, be respectful, and brush up on the campsite rule (always leave ‘em in better shape then you found ‘em), and have fun out there.

Is it wrong to watch incest scenarios in porn?

I fear this is a trick question designed to make me say something that could be construed as positive about incest. So, for the record: As a person with siblings, parents, stepparents, aunts, uncles, etc., and a vivid and very visual imagination, blech blech blech. With that out of the way…

If watching incest porn troubles you, ask yourself why you’re watching it. If incest scenarios are your kink, well, then you’re going to keep watching incest porn. But if you’re watching incest porn because it’s transgressive and taboo and it feels wrong, well, there’s lots of other transgressive, taboo, and wrong sexual scenarios portrayed in porn and erotica that you might enjoy just as much and feel a little less shitty about “consuming.”

Send your burning questions to mailbox@savage.love; podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love!

Sudoku

BY LINDA THISTLE

Trivia Test

BY FIFI RODRIGUEZ

1. ART: Where is the Prado Museum located?

2. GEOGRAPHY: What is the only country that the Equator and the Tropic of Capricorn pass through?

3. LANGUAGE: What does the Latin phrase “tempus fugit” mean?

4. MATH: What is another name for the division sign?

5. MUSIC: How long did it take singer Bob Dylan to write the big hit “Blowin’ in the Wind”?

6. ANIMAL KINGDOM: How many times on average does a rubythroated hummingbird flap its wings in one second?

7. MOVIES: Which movie features the line, “Keep the change, ya filthy animal”?

8. LITERATURE: Which novel features four children named Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy?

9. TELEVISION: What is Joey’s famous line in the sitcom “Friends”?

Crossword

PLACE A NUMBER IN THE EMPTY BOXES IN SUCH A WAY THAT EACH ROW ACROSS, EACH COLUMN DOWN AND EACH SMALL 9-BOX SQUARE CONTAINS ALL OF THE NUMBERS ONE TO NINE.

10. ANATOMY: What is a common name for the pinna in human anatomy?

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Guess what, Lamb? You’re about to experience a new perspective on a situation you long regarded quite differently. What you learn could open up more opportunities later.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) The Bold Bovine is tempted to charge into a new venture. But it might be best to take things one step at a time so that you know just where you are at any given point.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) It’s a good time to go on that fun getaway you’ve been planning. You’ll return refreshed, ready, and, yes, even eager to tackle the new challenge that awaits you.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) The Moon Child loves to fantasize about magical happenings in the early part of the week. But the sensible Crab gets down to serious business by week’s end.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) What goes around comes around for those lucky Leos and Leonas whose acts of generosity could be repaid with opportunities to expand into new and exciting areas of interest.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Your concern about your job responsibilities is commendable. But it’s time for you to take some quiet moments to share with someone who has really missed being with you.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Aspects favor getting out and meeting new people. And, as a bonus, you might find that some of your newly made friends could offer important business contacts.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) You might take pride in wanting to do everything yourself. But now’s a good time to ask family members to help with a demanding personal situation.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Pay more attention to the possibilities that could come with a workplace change. It could show you the way to make that long-sought turn on your career path.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) Your need to succeed might overwhelm obligations to your loved ones. Ease up on that workload and into some well-deserved time with family and friends.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Love rules for amorous Aquarians who can make good use of their ability to communicate feelings. Don’t be surprised if they’re reciprocated in kind.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Fishing for compliments? No doubt, you probably earned them. But it’s best to let others believe they were the ones who uncovered the treasure you really are.

BORN THIS WEEK: Your good work flows from an open, generous heart. Nothing makes you happier than to see others happy as well.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) A hectic period begins to wind down. Take time to draw some deep breaths and relax before getting into your next project. A long-absent family member could make contact as well.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You’re eager to move forward with a new challenge that suddenly dropped into your lap. But you’d be wise to take this one step at a time, to allow new developments to come through.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) You’re almost ready to make a commitment. A lingering doubt or two, however, should be resolved before you move ahead. An associate could provide important answers to your questions.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Caution is still the watchword as you move closer toward a decision about a new situation. If you act too fast, you might miss some vital warning signs. Go slowly and stay alert.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) Your new goal looks promising, and your golden touch does much to enhance its prospects for success. In your private life, Cupid does his best to make your new relationship special.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) That impatient side of yours is looking to goad you into moving before you’re ready to take that big step. Stay calm and cool. Let things fall into place before you act.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) A legal matter you hoped would finally be settled could be a pesky problem for a while until all the parties agree to stop disagreeing with each other. Be patient.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Partnerships -personal or professional -- which began before the new year take on new importance. They also reveal some previously hidden risks. So, be warned.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Your associates are firmly on your side, and that persistent problem causing you to delay some activities should soon be resolved to your satisfaction.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) Favorable changes continue to dominate, and you should be responding positively as they emerge. Someone wants to become more involved in what you’re doing.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) A friend wants to share a secret that could answer some questions you’ve wondered about for a long time. Meanwhile, travel aspects continue to be strong.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Stay on your new course despite so-called well-meaning efforts to discourage you. Rely on your deep sense of self-awareness to guide you to do what’s right for you.

BORN THIS WEEK: You have the capacity to meet challenges that others might find overwhelming and turn them into successful ventures.