Of gnomes and fathers

BY CHRISTOPHER KATIS, 2-MINUTE READ

This column is coming out a few days after Father’s Day – or at our house, Fathers’ Day. I’ve never been one for these made-up holidays, so it’s never been that big of a deal to me. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate the sentiment. I mean, my 75-plus gnome collection started with a single pointy-hatted little guy that the boys gifted to me when they were young.

Although I’ve been a father for 20 years, it’s no easier now than it was that first night a baby slept in a crib next to our bed. In fact, in some ways, it’s actually a lot more difficult. That’s probably true for every parent, no matter their circumstances.

Not long before we legally became parents, I bought a book of essays and sayings about fatherhood written by dads. Some were funny; some were heartwarming. All these years later, two stuck with me (one from each of those categories):

Never ask what your 14-year-old son is doing all that time in the locked bathroom; he’s doing exactly what you were doing in the bathroom at that age.

After a little boy was freed from a storm drain, he was asked if he had been scared. He said, “No. My dad was there, so I knew nothing bad could happen to me.”

That’s how I always felt about my dad. When he was around, there was nothing in the world that could harm me. But I’m not my dad. And that’s OK.

What that book of essays, purchased on a whim, taught me was that there is no right nor wrong type of father. Sure, being abusive in any way or abandoning your kids is obviously wrong on multiple levels. But every guy comes into this situation the same way — his own upbringing and his own experiences.

My experiences as a gay man influence every aspect of my life. That includes being a dad.

One of those experiences that LGBTQ+ people bring to parenthood is a strong sense of self-identity and expression.

That’s why neither Kelly nor I blinked an eye when 11-year-old Gus asked to dye his hair magenta and pierce his ear. Of course, he could do both. And since Niko has always shown amazing talent for the culinary arts, when he asked Santa for a kitchen set, that’s exactly what showed up under the tree.

As gay men, we also know that sometimes rules are made to be broken. After all, that’s where the fun is had. Naturally, no one was going to be doing anything outrageous, but it was fun to see our little boys get so excited about breaking the bedtime rule so they could stay up a few minutes longer to watch a movie or finish playing a game.

And I believe being gay helped us parent with greater empathy. We both know what it’s like to be on the outside, to struggle with self-identity – at levels probably greater than straight parents – and in my opinion, those experiences led us to be more open as dads.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that only gay parents can provide this type of parenting. Nor are we always great, or even good, parents. I’m just saying that, for Kelly and me, being gay men proved to be a positive contribution to our parenting.

A friend once told me that no matter how old they are, dads will always try to parent their kids. It was true with my dad, and I imagine it’ll be true with me. I just hope the boys keep giving me gnomes.

Happy Fathers’ Day, everyone!