Caretakers and microaggressions

My Mom and I have this joke: if she doesn’t behave, I’ll send her to an old folks’ home – not a nice one, the kind you see on “60 Minutes.” She’s seen me be a caretaker for other older family members, so I guess she figures my threat is pretty hollow.

It’s not, however, unusual for the care of parents to fall on the gay kid. Historically, LGBTQ+ people haven’t usually had kids, so families reasoned that the queer sibling had more time and fewer responsibilities and thus could more easily step into the role of caregiver.

But we’re not just helping our parents. Like our straight friends, gay folks are taking care of their spouses, partners, friends, and children. In fact, according to the LGBTQ Caregiver Center, there are an estimated 3 million LGBTQ+ caregivers in the United States, or about 12 percent of all adult Americans.

Being a caregiver can be a scary and frustrating role. Dealing with insurance companies, medical professionals, and support staff can be daunting. And, not surprisingly, for gay people, that means we can face both blatant discrimination and microaggression.

According to Karan Chawla, Chief Product Officer at Homethrive, a solutions-based platform for caregivers, “Microaggressions include everything from dismissing a partner’s role in care decisions to hostile remarks from medical staff.”

A 2021 article in The HuffPost noted that although these microaggressions may seem harmless at first, research indicates a link between them and physical and mental health issues. They can be a root cause for everything from high blood pressure to anxiety in a caregiver.

Although we didn’t recognize it at the time as a microaggression, Kelly and I were subjected to it by a doctor we’d taken our then-6-year-old son to see. Our regular pediatrician was out of town, and someone else from the practice saw us. In spite of the fact that there were two dads in the room, this doctor repeatedly asked us what mom thought about the medical situation.

We actually did discuss that experience when we saw the boys’ regular doctor a couple of weeks later. But apparently, we were in the minority. According to Chawla, “LGBTQ caregivers often worry about speaking up about microaggression for fear of it affecting their loved ones’ treatment.”

Chawla also warns that this can be especially true in care facilities. Staff might treat a patient differently – and negatively impact care – because of that person’s or their loved one’s sexual or gender identity. Indeed, that fear is so real that he adds nearly half of older queer adults said they’ve never told their doctors that they are LGBTQ.

So, what can queer caregivers do to address microaggressions? The folks at Homethrive suggest companies and healthcare professionals look into sensitivity training, help groups, employee assistance programs, and DEI strategies. And Chawla says, “People need to remember that they are not alone. There are support groups, online classes, in-person and virtual activities, and platforms dedicated to helping with the financial and emotional burdens of caregiving.”

I may tease my mom, but she punches back harder. One day, a couple of years ago, I dropped by her house, and she handed me a newspaper article she’d been saving. The headline read, “Mom reportedly kills son who wanted to move her to a facility” — ouch!

Hey, if you want to learn more about gay parenting, check out the podcast Gaytriarchs. The hosts kindly had me on as a guest in June. As the hosts say, it can be found in all the same places you find the podcasts of Barack Obama. And gaytriarchs.com