Let's talk about gay sex

Catholic school sex education failed me. I learned everything I thought I needed to know about gay sex through gay porn. Thank heavens Jesus couldn’t see my 13-year-old self’s Google search history; otherwise, I’d really be in trouble.

Unfortunately, like professional wrestling and my patience for Tennessee lawmakers, gay porn is equally fake. Every jizz shot, grunt and moan is scripted and staged for the cameras.

Thus, much of my expertise — if you can even call it that — comes from real-world experience instead of the fictional world of gay erotic cinema. I’ve made mistakes, and I’m still learning new things about myself and my body every time. So don’t feel like you need to know everything from day one and enjoy your sexual journey.

Albert Einstein might not have thought of gay sex when he said, “The only source of knowledge is experience, you need experience to gain wisdom.” However, it still applies.

Within gay and bisexual communities, men use the terms “bottom” or “top” and

“vers” in describing their sexual preferences and penetrative role(s) during intercourse. However, the meaning of each term varies from person to person.

But generally, a “top” prefers to take control and typically penetrates and receives oral sex. A “bottom” takes on the more receptive role, gives oral sex and is penetrated. Finally, someone who is “vers” is willing to take on either position.

Contrary to popular belief, these descriptors are not exclusive to queer men and each category is not all-encompassing. For example, being a “top,” “bottom” and “vers” is multiplex, but here is a fundamental overview of what it means to be a top and bottom.

Mom, this is your time to leave if you’re reading this. 'Bottoming' is a pain in the butt, literally

Though "bottoms" have a more passive role during intercourse, the preparation "bottoms" go through is admirable.

For one, many douche before "bottoming." Douching is using water to clean the lower part of your rectum, flushing out the excreta, according to WebMD. One of the simplest ways to do this is by using a disposable enema which can be found at any drugstore.

Before "bottoming," I suggest avoiding eating hearty meals from places like Taco Bell and Chipotle. Keep it light if you absolutely must eat before "bottoming," which I would never recommend. Using flushable wipes is also a great way to keep clean and smell great downstairs at all times, which is just sound advice for anybody.

Truth be told, "bottoming" hurts and is hardly enjoyable the first couple of times. Your anus isn’t made to accommodate a penis, so it might feel like you’re forcing a square peg into a round hole at first. However, after a few tries and the right amount of lube, it can feel great.

Masturbating with a dildo or finger is also

ILLUSTRATION BY PEYTON MCKENZIE