Empowering your child Overcoming perfectionism and fostering self-worth

Does your child often find themselves doubting their abilities, even after achieving success? Do they struggle to celebrate their accomplishments?

While occasional self-doubt is normal, persistent feelings of inadequacy can hinder your child’s growth. In March Dr. Eleanor Krol conducted a parent speaker series at QMC, focusing on perfectionism. We wanted to share the key points from her talk with you.

Firstly, it is important to debunk the myths surrounding perfectionism. One common misconception is that perfectionism is “healthy”. Other myths include the belief that perfectionism is achievable, that it affects all aspects of one’s life, that perfectionists are always high achievers, and that it is an innate personality trait.

The crucial point to understand is that perfectionism is learned. We acquire it through modelling, receiving rewards for striving for perfection, facing negative consequences for not meeting our ideals, and absorbing behavioural patterns from our environments.

Unfortunately, many individuals tie their self-worth to achieving perfection. This can lead to exhaustion, social isolation, insomnia, burn out, challenges in recovering from illnesses, relationship difficulties, physical ailments, eating disorders, high blood pressure and self-harm.

Now, let’s focus on strategies to support your child:

1. Normalise seeking help from others. Encourage your child to ask for assistance, seek advice and utilise your community resources such as QMC psychologists Megan and Eleanor.

2. Praise and encourage character traits. Emphasise their perseverance, resilience and kindness towards others. This helps develop a strong sense of identity and values, shifting the focus away from achievement as the sole measure of selfworth. It also strengthens your relationship with your child.

3. Show them compassion. Compassion releases oxytocin, which fosters trust, calmness, safety, generosity and connection. Offer hugs, prepare a relaxing bath or make them a comforting drink. Ask “What can you do to bring kindness to yourself right now?” Reinfroce care and love for them as individuals.

4. Acknowledge their struggles. Validate their feelings by saying, “I can see that you’re really struggling with this assignment” or “I know this is really important to you”.

5. Be present with their suffering. Let them know that “It’s normal to be disappointed when you haven’t got the grade you want. Lots of people feel this and so have I”.

6. Describe and model sitting with uncomfortable emotions. Share a situation where you have felt you have failed and explain how you moved past those feelings.

7. Provide procrastination tips. Set time limits to complete tasks; get easiest tasks out of the way; set an achievable first step; complete five minutes of work, then review progress; place Postit notes saying “Just get started” for gentle encouragement, and plan rewards for completing small steps.

8. Discuss what self-compassion is with them, and start practising it together. For more information on activities that help with selfcompassion look at www.selfcompassion.org

In conclusion, perfectionistic behaviours do not foster wellbeing. Perfectionistic behaviours left unchallenged can lead to harmful outcomes for our physical and mental health. As parents, be mindful of the values you reinforce.

If you have any further questions, please contact: eleanor.krol@qmc.school.nz megan.williams@qmc.school.nz.

Elenor Krol Psychologist